April 17, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the 2019 NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's around Easter time, and you know what that means? A lot of movies about a certain long-eared, furry, buck-toothed bunny rabbit who has a thing for eggs. I'm, of course, talking about Jesus. (A picture of Jesus Christ appears in the corner)
(The footage of the following movies is shown: King of Kings (1961), Jesus of Nazareth (1977), The Last Temptation of Christ (1988), and Jesus (1999))
NC (vo): Yeah, this is the time when a lot of Christ films start making the rounds. The funny thing about Jesus movies...before they actually became funny things... (The Pure Flix logo is shown) ...is when it comes to Christmas, they're usually shared with other Christmas-type movies (Three posters are followed: for The Santa Clause, It's a Wonderful Life and Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas (with a caption "Please Give Me A Job" next to the main character)) You know, about Santa Claus, or family togetherness, or helping the poor and hungry get work. But that's not how Easter works. Easter is prominently Jesus' cinematic time to shine, whether for better or Gibson. (Two posters are shown: The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Passion of the Christ) I don't really have a problem with this, as a lot of these movies hold up pretty well, many of them cinematic classics...
(The images related to the Easter Bunny are shown)
NC (vo): ...but it is strange that one of the most popular holiday mascots doesn't have many cinematic movies about him. (The posters for Here Comes Peter Cottontail and Rise of the Guardians are shown) There's plenty of TV specials and maybe an occasional appearance here or there, some more balls-to-the-wall insane than others...
(The poster and footage for the 2014 film The Beaster Bunny, aka Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell are shown, showing a giant rabbit, which is pretty sloppily animated, jumping and squishing a human and chopping heads off three other ones)
NC: Note to self: must add to queue.
NC (vo): But entire films based on one of our favorite breaking and entering icons are surprisingly far and few.
NC: (slams the table) Well, I'm putting up with it anymore! That's why today, we're going on our own Easter Bunny adventure!
(The door to NC's room is opened...by Carrotjuice, who's smiling as always)
Carrotjuice: Hey, Critic.
NC: (overdramatically surprised from here on out) Carrotjuice? What in the world?...
Carrotjuice: (holds up a basket of Easter-related products) As the official mascot of Easter, I decided to hand over my Easter duties to you.
NC: Wha...you mean, you've been the Easter Bunny all this time?
Carrotjuice: That's right! And I've chosen you to continue on the tradition.
NC: Me?! (gets up and goes...or rather, skips to Carrotjuice, chuckling) But that just sounds wacky! I can't possibly be the Easter Bunny...can I?!
Carrotjuice: Come on, Critic. I'll take you to my factory.
(Carrotjuice turns away and leaves. NC gasps and follows him, still skipping. He bumps into Carrotjuice, who is waiting for him at the door to the another room in the hallway)
NC: But, Carrotjuice, however will we get to the Easter factory, from this, our studio?
Carrotjuice: Through the magic of magic doors. (quickly waves hand, and sparkles follow) Magic!
(NC puts his hands on cheeks, surprised. Carrotjuice opens the door to...the colorful-looking factory. In the background, there is a banner that reads "Infinity Days Since Last Work Incident". The rainbow appears over the factory)
NC: Wow! Unbelievably imaginative and/or magical!
Carrotjuice: Now, come on, Critic. We gotta get you ready to be the ultimate Easter Bunny.
NC: Well, I'm sure I'm gonna have some slip-ups along the way, but if I only believe in myself, I know I can not only save Easter, but also have some hilarious hijinks along the way!
Carrotjuice: Now, let's hop to it, Critic!
(Both hold on to the basket and laugh. They merrily skip across the hallway)
NC and Carrotjuice: (singing) Here's the Easter Rabbit, hooray! The happy Easter Rabbit, hooray!
(Cut to...NC and Carrotjuice calmly sitting on the studio couch. The clock's ticking is heard)
NC: So, aren't you gonna, like, show me how to use magic and make candy and stuff?
Carrotjuice: No. You mostly just sit around while I tell you what not to do.
(NC gives a low sigh. He takes one candy from the basket, preparing to unwrap it)
Carrotjuice: Oh, don't do that.
(NC goes to typing on his phone)
Carrotjuice: Oh, no, don't do that either.
(NC puts the phone down in annoyance, sighing)
Carrotjuice: Did I say you could breathe?
NC: THIS EASTER ADVENTURE SUCKS!
Carrotjuice: Hmm. You might be right. Something's missing. Oh, I know! Your flannel shirt! (takes out a shirt) It wouldn't be a cool Easter movie without your flannel shirt. (throws it to NC) There. Now you're hip. And remember: keep smiling!
(NC gives a forced smile)
Carrotjuice: Not that much.
NC: Is this all we're gonna do? We're just gonna sit around a room while you tell me things not to do?
Carrotjuice: Of course not.
NC: Oh. Well, that's- There's a cut to something disappointing, is i-
(Smash cut to Carrotjuice and NC inside a car)
Carrotjuice: We're gonna sit in a car while I tell you what not to do.
NC: I see no whimsy in this. This is whimsy-less!
Carrotjuice: Well, you've got your flannel shirt. And do you know how to play the drums?
NC: Not really.
(Carrotjuice gives NC a slap on the cheek)
Carrotjuice: You're gonna play the drums! You're the Easter Bunny, for God's sake!
NC: What does any of this has to do with Easter?!
Carrotjuice: I don't know. (turns and speaks to the camera) But it made Hop a ton of money.
NC: What, is Hop in the backseat...
Carrotjuice: You know what we're doing.
NC: Yeah, I know what we're doing.
(The title for the movie Hop is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): The 2011 Illumination film Hop was a big hit at the box office and continues to be one of the dominant Easter movies whenever the subject is brought up. Just Google "Easter movie", and it's literally the first film to appear. There's a few reasons for this. One: it was a big-budget Easter Bunny movie. Two: it was a well-advertised Easter Bunny movie. And three: it is the only Easter Bunny movie, at least with a big budget and was well advertised. Many families rent this bowl of rabbit droppings, confusing it for Cocoa Puffs and convinced themselves they're enjoying chocolate, when really, they're swallowing shit. It lacks any kind of imagination, wonder and creativity that will be associated with such a timeless icon. So, of course, we're gonna look at it here today.
NC: (returns to his room) So, let's see if their magical world of the Easter Bunny is anything like the real magical world of the Easter Bunny...
Carrotjuice: Remember, Critic: keep smiling!
(NC gnaws his teeth at Carrotjuice angrily)
Carrotjuice: And learn to play the drums. I gotta catch my rocket sleigh back home.
NC: Wait, didn't I see you travel via magic door?
Carrotjuice: (scoffs) Like we'd put our A-material in this script. Wa-hey! (speeds off)
NC: (sighs) This is Hop.
(The Universal logo is shown, only with the globe being egg-shaped)
NC (vo): So, long before there's an egg pun in this movie...literally the first frame!
NC: Even Egghead needs a few moments to set up! (A picture of this character from the 1966 Batman TV shown appears)
(As the opening credits roll, we're shown a montage of pictures featuring bunnies that are based on the more famous works, like "The Birth of Venus"-esque)
NC: (face covered with both hands) OH, GOD, THIS IS GONNA SUCK!
(The following paintings are showing the Easter Bunnies over the years)
(A Photoshopped image that features Huey, Dewey and Louie with heads of Thumper the bunny is shown with the title "Thump Bumps". An editor program window appears with a note "Make Thumper Quack Pack" and a cursor moving towards it)
NC: Stop taking notes, Disney! (A cursor slowly slides away from an editor)
Mickey Mouse (voiced by NC): Ha-ha. I'm still gonna make it.
(The last picture is of Fred O'Hare, played by James Marsden)
NC (vo): We see one of our leads is named Fred, played by Thank-God-I-Went-To-That-Westworld-Audition James Marsden, who introduces the idea that he is somehow the next Easter Bunny.
Fred O'Hare: (narrating) Hi, I'm Fred O'Hare. The first human Easter Bunny. Sounds insane, you say?
NC: (as Fred) Well, hold a rally at Charlottesville, you anti-human garbage.
(We cut to the coast of Rapa Nui or Easter Island, where the home and factory of the Easter Bunny is located)
NC (vo): Again, to the film's credit, this is kind of an inventive idea. A human being as an Easter Bunny has a lot of possibilities. And even with the lame pun setting off Easter Island...
NC: Get it? Because Christmas.
NC (vo): ...the credits open with a lot of creative imagery, showing how preparations for Easter works.
(We get several shots of the inside of the factory. We start with a conveyor belt, where young chickens use machines to decorate candy-filled Easter baskets with lollipops shaped like the Easter Bunny. The scene then shows a conveyor belt, where pieces of chocolate are pressed into various forms, including eggs and rabbits. Finally, we get an overview shot of the place with trees made of candy, more machinery to transport sweets and a giant egg construction working as a rainbow waterfall for jelly beans. Cut back to NC, where Tamara, dressed as a waitress, serves NC three bowls with toppings)
Tamara: Hot fudge, sprinkles, whipped cream?
NC: (Gives her a dismissive hand gesture) No, thanks, I don't think we're gonna top this.
(Tamara leaves. Back to the movie, Mr. Bunny, the current Easter Bunny, voiced by Hugh Laurie, shows his son E.B. the factory)
NC (vo): The current Easter Bunny shows his son, E.B., what's in store for his future. He is voiced by Hugh Laurie, which just reinforces that this is (picture of...) Arthur Christmas if his balls were cut off by Peter Rabbit.
Mr. Bunny: Someday, this will all be yours.
(We cut to a scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where the King of Swamp Castle has a similar dialogue with his son Herbert)
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle: (Smacks his son on the head) No, not the curtains, lad.
NC: And, hey, (The Illumination intro for this movie is shown, with a Minion dressed as the Easter Bunny throwing sweets around, as another looks confused to the audience) this is an Illumination movie. Shouldn't there be some...
(Cut to the chickens having a secret meeting)
NC (vo): ...obnoxious dick donut holes stealing way too much screen time?
Carlos (Hank Azaria): Too long have we labored under the yoke of the Bunny's tyranny.
NC (vo): How do you think they come up with these inspired comedic designs?
NC: (as an Illumination designer, stressed. A yellow dot pops up, transforming into a Minion) Umm...yellow dot. Put a face on it. Brilliant! (Next an orange dot, turning into the Lorax) Uhh...orange dot. Put a face on it. Brilliant! (Another yellow dot appears, transforming into a chicken) Ummm...yellow dot, again. Put a face on it. Brilliant!
(Back to the movie, Carlos gives some instructions to a subordinate in front of Mr. Rabbit)
Carlos: Phil, too much marsh, not enough mallow.
NC (vo): This is Carlos, a Hisp...talian voiced by Hank Azaria.
Carlos: (speaking with a very thick accent) Foggy tides are lifted. Easter will be clear sailing, senior.
(Cut back to NC, a poster titled "The Problem with Carlos" is shown. It is identical to the The Problem with Apu poster, only with Hank Azaria on the top and Carlos replacing Apu on the bottom)
NC: Well, start making this poster. You know we got to deal with this movie in the near future.
NC (vo): Carlos doesn't like the white rabbit privilege and thinks he should be in charge. But that's not important right now, as the Easter Bunny starts his deliveries around the world.
(The sled of the Easter Bunny, being carried by chickens, lands in the backyard of a young Fred, played by Coleton Ray, who happens to wake up when the sled landed, and he witnesses the working progress of the Easter Bunny)
NC (vo; as a young Fred): So that's why Dad told me to stay out of the medicine cabinet. (normal) Years later, the boy grew up into James Marsden, playing a man named Fred O'Hare.
NC: His brother Bucky has some stories.
(We see the cover of the NES game Bucky O'Hare with Bucky Barnes' head Photoshopped on top of O'Hare's head. Back to the movie, a grown-up Fred and his family are having dinner together, as the father wants to know about Fred's progress in getting a job)
NC (vo): He apparently still lives at home with his family.
Henry O'Hare (Gary Cole): How did that job interview go?
Fred: Don't know if this is really what I'm looking for.
Henry: Did they pay money? Then it's exactly what you're been looking for.
NC: (as Henry) Look, you keep dying in franchises, you need backup employment!
NC (vo): But it turns out this is an intervention by his family to try and kick him out to get a real job. (sighs) Reminds me of dinners at my home.
Henry: You need to get a life, you need to get a job and you need to move out.
Alex (Tiffany Espenson): Sometimes, I think you adopted me because Fred was such a disappointment.
(The scene pauses, and the logo of the movie appears in the lower center. Below it appears a slogan for this movie, which is read out loud by NC)
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! It's like The Ice Storm, only somehow more depressing!
(We're reintroduced to the grown-up E.B., now voiced by Russell Brand, playing the drums in his room. His father enters the room to discuss his son's future)
NC (vo): At the same time, E.B. has grown up into everybody's favorite...well, somebody's favorite hair clog, (photo of...) Russell Brand, who actually does a passable job as this character, but whose voice is so recognizable, you can't help but imagine what the real Russell Brand would say in a lot of these scenarios.
E.B.: No, Dad! I don't want to be the Easter Bunny.
Mr. Bunny: You're about to be crowned the Easter Bunny in front of 3,000 of your peers.
Russell Brand: (audio) When I was a crack and heroin addict, I made some unusual decisions. They included dressing in an inappropriate way on September the 11th. Now, before I talk about this, remember: I was on crack and heroin.
(Intimidated by the calling's demands and ignoring his father's orders, E.B. runs away to Hollywood to pursue his dream of becoming a drummer. At the same time, the fed-up Fred moves out as well, but is stopped by his younger sister Samantha, played by Kaley Cuoco)
NC (vo): E.B. doesn't want to be the Easter Bunny because of the pressure of being too perfect...again, Russell Brand was cast in this role, so he's clearly not gonna achieve that...so he runs away through a magical door to Hollywood, where Fred gets done packing his emotional baggage.
Samantha: Fred, wait. Wait, wait.
NC: (as Samantha) You should know they did adopt your younger sister because they were ashamed of you.
NC (vo): His older sister gives him a lead to a good job at a nearby mansion, while E.B. looks for a place to stay. At the Playboy House.
NC: (hand on cheek) God, these Russell Brand jokes really do write themselves, don't they?
(At the entrance of the Playboy Mansion, E.B. presses a button on the intercom to speak to the camera)
Russell Brand: (audio) You must never destroy a marriage, unless you're really bored. / Pop yourself down on my knee and see if we can't get you pregnant.
(Driving away in his car in Van Nuys, Fred hits something and walks out to see an unconscious E.B. lying on the road)
NC (vo): E.B. literally bumps into Fred, who realizes there's only one way to put him and the audience out of its misery.
(Fred takes a boulder in the nearby garden to crush E.B.)
Fred: Don't you worry, little friend. I'm gonna end your suffering.
(After he lifts a boulder, squinting, the movie's logo appears again with a caption)
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! Remember when your dad hit that cute animal, kids? Now you know this also probably happened. Hop.
E.B.: (recovers) No! (Fred opens eyes in worry)
NC (vo): E.B. talks, and Fred can't believe his agent...I mean, eyes.
Fred: Who said that?
E.B.: Your latest victim. (Fred realizes that the bunny he was about to crush is talking) I could just, maybe, come live with you for a couple of months.
NC: You know why I can't take this bunny seriously?
(A huge list appears for a second, consisting of: "Russell Brand Voices Him", "He Has No Personality", "He's Not Funny", "He is Charmless", "He Looks Like the 90s Gang Banged the Cadbury Bunny", "He Makes You Long for a Rabbit's Foot", "You Wish He Got Burned Instead of the Velveteen Rabbit", "He's the Only Easter Bunny to Be Given a Big Budget Easter Bunny Movie", "He Shits Jelly Beans, No, Really, That Happens", "He Plays the Drums, Which Honestly Isn't a Bad Thing, but Come On...Easter Bunny", "He Wears a Flannel Shirt, No Easter Bunny Should Wear That Unless He's Rabbit Kurt Cobain", "His Father is Hugh Laurie, and Somehow He's Not the Least Bit Cool", "Unless It's 'Despicable Me', There's No Good Illumination Characters, I Think It's a Law", "Bugs Bunny Called, He Says You Suck".)
NC: Outside of that. He looks so generic and uninteresting, I keep expecting him to sell me car insurance at any moment!
(A scene of E.B. holding a carrot in Fred's kitchen is shown with the gif animation of the dancing Geico Gecko next to him)
NC (vo; as E.B.): So, if you want to save 15% by switching to Geico, do the gecko dance down to your nearest location. Here's a talking hamburger the animator did in his spare time.
(Just as said, the badly animated hamburger that talks appears in the frame)
NC (vo; as the hamburger): I'm gonna get my own movie and/or TV show, too! (as E.B.) He is!
(Horrified, Fred runs away from E.B.)
Fred: Not real, not real, not real, not real...
(He runs inside an all-too-familiar mansion)
NC: No, no, don't go in the X-Mansion! Only Wolverine is there, and he hates you!
(As Fred is looking for a place to hide, but encounters E.B. each time, we briefly cut to the clip from X2 which shows Wolverine roaring and charging at the enemy. Eventually, Fred stops in the kitchen and turns on the light...to see E.B. in front of him)
E.B.: I'm E.B. And you are?
NC (vo): E.B. explains that he's hungry, but Fred doesn't know what to feed him.
Fred: Is there something you'd rather eat, you weird little thing?
E.B.: Well, uh... (puts up his ears and shakes his tail)
NC: (as Fred, perplexed) You want to eat rabbit?
(Fred throws a carrot on the floor for E.B. to get, but the latter pretends he's limping, even after getting the carrot)
NC (vo): Fred tries to get rid of him, but E.B. tries playing up a guilt trip.
Fred: Do you want me to look for some baby aspirin?
E.B.: No, no. You save it. Y-you might run over a baby.
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! Now you're thinking about babies getting run over! Hop.
(Fred decides to stay at home for the night and prepares a typical pet place for E.B. in the garage)
Fred: This is a place for you to stay.
E.B.: Oh, I understand. I'll just sleep down here, among my poo and pee...
NC: Okay, I better do a count of lines...
(The caption "Lines We All Know The Real Russell Brand Said" appears with a picture of Brand's face, starting off the count with a ding)
NC (vo): ...we all know the real Russell Brand said.
Fred: So, good night.
(Mr. Bunny's royal guards, the trio of Pink Berets, the girl bunnies in berets, appear at the entrance of the Playboy Mansion)
NC (vo): Fred lets E.B. spend the night while his father sends out the Pink Berets. They try to track E.B. down, and I'm not gonna lie, these things are damn adorable. But that could be because they never talk, in comparison to this walking 90s ad that forgets this all takes place in the early 2010s.
(The next morning, Fred is shocked to see a mess in the living room and E.B. playing his drums)
E.B.: I am the (speaks in a deep voice) Extreme Rock Master!
NC: (as E.B.) Come on! I was gonna play Extreme Pogs next!
E.B.: Hey, Fred, what's wrong? You look a bit put out. (The "Real Russell Brand Lines" count is 2)
Fred: You've destroyed the place!
E.B.: I wouldn't say "destroyed". I was just getting comfortable. (The count changes to 3) That Jacuzzi loosened me right up.
(Fred rushes to the bathroom and slips on the pile of bubbles E.B. left after going out of the tub)
NC (vo): It looks like E.B. uses too many bubbles in the hot tub, though, and... (sounds bored) ...yeah, haven't seen this before.
Fred: My sister's gonna kill me!
NC: You know what this film is? It's a bad school cafeteria of bland scenes you've seen a million times in other movies.
(Cut to a skit that features Aunt Despair standing in front of a white wall and holding a dish, with smoke coming around her and the faucet noise in the background)
Aunt Despair: (scratches the back of her head with a spoon) Okay, you want that scene where somebody gets messy and a lot of bubbles? (puts some corn on the dish) There you go. You want that scene...
Aunt Despair (vo): ...with two people arguing until they figure out they have a lot in common?
Aunt Despair: (puts more corn) There she goes. You want it to be so boring...
Aunt Despair (vo): ...you'll forget it even entered you?
Aunt Despair: (laughs, then leans towards the camera) Don't get married.
(Fred pulls over and takes out a box with E.B. inside)
NC (vo): Fred decides he's had enough of Peter Cottontwat and decides to put him in a box and get rid of him. (as Lennie from Of Mice and Men) Tell me about the Lennies, George.
(Fred opens the box)
Fred: All right, come on. Out. We're releasing you into the wild.
NC: No. No. Put the bunny back in the box and throw him off a cliff.
(Fred leaves E.B., who starts following him)
E.B.: But I want to stay with you! Oh, come on, man.
NC: (getting annoyed) Put the bunny back in the box!
E.B.: I'll behave. I'll clean up my mess. I'll do the dishes.
(Cut to a famous clip from Con Air)
Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage): Put the bunny...back...in the box.
(Fred sits back in the car, but E.B. stands on the hood...and grunts)
NC (vo): But no! He lets him stay, because...he can do this.
Fred: What are you doing?
E.B.: See? (changes his position to reveal...)
Fred: Jelly beans?
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! The jelly beans you've been eating all these years are shit...SHIT! Hop.
Fred: So what? So you talk and you poop candy.
NC: Trust me, you don't wanna know how he makes Reese's Feces! (The image of this "product" is shown)
(Fred recalls seeing an Easter Bunny's sled as a child)
NC (vo): Fred finally puts together that he's the Easter Bunny! You know, he confused him for all the other talking rabbits he came across in his life.
(Fred is shown driving E.B. somewhere in a car)
Fred: Why are you here now?
E.B.: Oh, just doing a little last-minute recon for Easter deliveries. Finding ideal egg hiding locations. (points in the window) There is one. That's perfect!
NC: (face resting in hands) This is trying to look like one of those films you see mocked in other films.
(A clip from Tropic Thunder is shown, or rather, the fake trailer for the action flick Scorcher VI: Global Meltdown, in which Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller) is starring)
NC (vo): Like, they look real, but they're just too lame to actually exist.
NC: You know, like (The fake poster for the movie Merman from Funny People is shown) George Simmons in Merman, or (Another fake poster, this time for The Fatties from Tropic Thunder, is followed) Jeff Portnoy in The Fatties, or Will Smith in Aladdin. (The actual shot of Will Smith as the Genie in then-upcoming 2019 remake of Aladdin is shown)
(Fred parks on a parking lot and prepares himself for his next interview)
Fred: I have a job interview. You are staying here.
E.B.: But here is boring.
Fred: Just do me a favor, wait in the car.
(Fred exits his car. We then cut to the cafeteria of Aunt Despair)
Aunt Despair: You want that scene were someone has a big obligation, but a wacky character comes and messes it up? (laughs for a moment and puts a spoonful of broccoli and cucumbers on the plate) You were dropped, weren't you?
(Back in the movie, E.B. sees that the Pink Berets have arrived on the parking lot, so he enters the company and tries to get help from Fred. At the same time, Mrs. Beck, the woman Fred has his interview with, enters the hall to get Fred for the interview)
NC (vo): The Donkey Kong Country characters are close by, so E.B. hides in the building where Fred has his interview.
Mrs. Beck (Chelsea Handler): Fred?
Fred: (shoves E.B. into the garbage can) Uh, yes?
NC: (excited) Oh, this is great! We already know how Chelsea Handler and Russell Brand get along.
(The next clip is from Chelsea Lately with Russell Brand as the guest star)
Chelsea Handler: The way you're looking at me makes me want to cover up my vagina. (The audience is laughing)
NC: They told her he'd be in a recording studio, yet she still requested mace.
(The next scene from the movie shows a part of Fred's interview)
Mrs. Beck: Oh, you're writing a novel? What's that about?
Fred: A crippled soldier who, in the future, goes to another planet and he becomes one of the indigenous people who are blue and live in the forest.
Mrs. Beck: That’s not Avatar?
Fred: Not really.
NC: That's funny. The actual pitch for Avatar went exactly the same way.
(The scene is repeated, but with the caption "James Cameron" over Fred's head and "20th Century Fox" over Mrs. Beck's head)
NC (vo; as Cameron): It's about a modern person who befriends a tribe and finds that environment is good, but modern people are bad. (as Fox) That's not Dances with Wolves, Ferngully, Pocahontas, and a dozen after-school specials? (as Cameron) Not really. (as Fox) Take all our money. (as Cameron) Cool.
(Mrs. Beck leads Fred around the company, where they meet an employee named Cody)
Cody: (sniffs on Fred) I smell potential.
NC: I smell Disney's tight grip on you.* (Three shots of Disney movies where Josh Gad plays a role in appear around NC. Counterclockwise: Lefou, Olaf and the poster for Artemis Fowl)
- Note: The guy he's talking about is not Josh Gad, but actor Dustin Ybarra.
(Back to the movie, E.B. has found a recording booth, where the Blind Boys of Alabama are recording)
NC (vo): E.B. stumbles into a recording booth that just happens to have a completely blind band called "The Blind Boys of Alabama"...
NC: (on his phone) Okay, if there is any good that came out of this movie, (The Google Search results are shown) it's that it forced me to Google this band to see if it exists. It does, and, by God, I want to know their story!
NC (vo): But we get a CG sock monkey playing with them, and, I guess, this is supposed to such as gripping.
(We get several seconds of the band singing with E.B. playing drums)
NC: Okay, it's cool seeing this kick-ass band play, but this scene is so awkward I keep expecting it to be it like...
NC (vo): ... a fake intro to the movie A Series of Unfortunate Events. (The fake intro of that stop-motion movie called "The Littlest Elf" is edited over the scene) You know, the one telling you this mindless sappy bullshit isn't the actual film you're gonna watch.
(The scene of the band and E.B. plays for a few more seconds, until it is interrupted and Lemony Snicket takes over)
Lemony Snicket (Jude Law): (narrating) I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you'll be watching. (Thunder roars and the scene changes to the dark cemetery with a lone man walking away from the camera) The movie you're about to see is extremely unpleasant.
(Back to this movie. One of the band members gives E.B. a flyer to the talent show "Hoff Knows Talent". A moment later, E.B. is back inside the car with Fred, who failed his job interview thanks to E.B.)
NC (vo): The boys tell E.B. that David Hasselhoff is holding auditions to find new talents and he should give it a shot.
Fred: Don't pull that with me, rabbit, okay?
E.B.: You're destined to do something great, I just know it. You'll find an awesome job.
NC: Hey, remember when they said this was gonna be about a man becoming the Easter Bunny?
NC (vo): If that meant just sitting around and talking in cars, then Jerry Seinfeld and (A scene from James Corden's Carpool Karaoke with Will Smith from The Late Late Show is shown) James Corden should look like Ralphie from A Christmas Story by this point! (Ralphie from A Christmas Story is shown, wearing his bunny pajama)
E.B.: (holding a newspaper with job descriptions) Look, what about this? Dog walker?
E.B.: CSI officer?
Russell Brand: (audio) I think I used to be quite lazy when I was signing on and taking drugs the whole time. Although being a drug addict can be quite taxing, 'cause you have to get the money for the drugs, then you have to get the drugs. Both of those things can be troubling.
NC (vo): Tired of boring shots of just the two of them talking? Well, don't worry. (We get a shot of our leads sitting in a cafe) Here is a crane shot of the two of them talking. (Beat) We needed a crane shot for that!
NC: This movie is almost halfway through and the imaginative wonderland we've been given is on par with My Dinner With Andre! (A scene from that movie is shown in the upper left corner, where Wally is meeting André in the restaurant. For a second, the face of Black Nerd is edited over André's face)
Fred: (holding "The Hoff Knows Talent" flyer) The Hoff?
E.B.: Yes, please.
Fred: You realize, you can't talk.
E.B.: I can.
Fred: No, what I mean is, you shouldn't talk.
NC: ("holding money") Things Russell Brand Hears for 500, Alex?
Fred: But from now on, especially not in front of other people. They might freak out and want to dissect your brain.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, we got to keep this a secret, while we eat in a public restaurant by the window, where (An arrow points towards the window) DOZENS OF ONLOOKERS CAN SEE YOU!! Why are you constantly trying to suck out what little magic you have?!
(On a side note, a waitress serves both Fred and E.B. a slice of cake with ice cream, as Fred orders E.B. to be silent. So even if he doesn't talk, onlookers would still notice a human-like, infant-sized, clothes wearing, sweets eating bunny)
NC: Just give me something, anything associated with a magical Easter Bunny movie!
(Suddenly, Carrotjuice enters the room and dramatic music starts playing)
Carrotjuice: Critic. Come quickly. An Easter emergency!
NC: Oh, my God, I'm on my way!
(He leaves his desk and follows Carrotjuice, and the emergency is...NC must learn how to play drums, as he sits in front of a door inside another room, with one drum in front of him and Carrotjuice sitting to his right)
Carrotjuice: You must learn to play the drums before the auditions for Pamela Anderson's talent show.
NC: (frustrated) This has nothing to do with EASTER!!
(Carrotjuice slaps NC. After a short pause, NC drums twice unenthusiastically)
Carrotjuice: Play it better!
(Carrotjuice slaps him again)
NC: This isn’t even "drums" plural, it's a drum.
Carrotjuice: Play it better!
(He slaps NC again. After that, NC drums twice again and Carrotjuice slaps him again. This continues even as the scene fades out and the logo appears. The scene ends with the sound of a punch. After the break, Fred arrives at the mansion and sees that his older sister visits him)
NC (vo): So Fred goes to the mansion he's looking after, only to discover his sister is there.
Fred: Oh, man, if she goes upstairs, I'm dead.
E.B.: Leave this to me. I'll smooth it out with her.
(As Fred holds E.B. back, the Russell Brand line counter changes to 4. A scene later, E.B. imitates a bunny plushie and gets noticed by Samantha)
NC (vo): E.B. sneaks inside, though, and pretends to be a toy.
Samantha: Oh. Oh, he’s so soft.
(As Samantha holds E.B. close, Fred sees that he is brushing over her hair and sniffs it)
NC: Okay, that's technically not a line, but it's still something Russell Brand would do.
(The counter changes to 5)
Russell Brand: (audio) I don't think God would give you that body and then give you soft morality.
Samantha: Oh, my God.
(E.B. pretends to be a clapping monkey toy who can walk. After that, Fred stuffs E.B. in a drawer)
Russell Brand: (audio) When you laugh at that, it makes me know what you sound like when you cum.
NC (vo): Fred puts him inside a Japanese motel, as his sister discovers his shit beans.
Fred: (as Samantha tries to eat a jelly bean) Don't eat that.
Samantha: Fred, relax. (She eats the bean) Watermelon.
NC: (as Samantha) It tastes E. coli-ish, but it's still better than Harry Potter jelly beans. (A photo of Bertie Bott's Beans is shown)
(The next scene of the movie is Fred trying to bring E.B. to the audition)
NC (vo): They go to the talent show, where he keeps E.B. hidden in a bag, only to have him come out and talk in front of everyone.
NC: (throws hand) This was written in a day.
Fred: Relax. I'll give you a good intro, I'll set you up, and you knock them down.
E.B.: Thank you, Fred.
Fred: No problem.
(NC looks puzzled for a second, then looks down to think)
NC: You think James Marsden meets up with Neil Patrick Harris once a year to share their war stories of working on Hop and Smurfs?
(We get an edited shot of Marsden and Harris holding glasses filled with beer)
NC (vo): The compromise is they meet on Easter, but they have to take a shot of something blue.
NC: Enjoy your meetups. I know you need them.
(E.B. is playing the drums in front of David Hasselhoff, while Taio Cruz's "Dynamite" is playing)
NC (vo): E.B. performs in front of Hasselhoff, and he looks surprisingly composed, seeing how he’s witnessing a bunny play the drums.
NC: How many drinks did you have before this? (A shot from the infamous burger video is shown with the caption "92 Beers" edited in) That explains it.
Hasselhoff: Stop, stop. (The music stops) I don't want to hear anymore. I didn't like it. (Dramatic pause and zoom-in) I loved it.
(Back to Aunt Despair for one last time)
Aunt Despair: You want that scene where a guy looks like he hates something, but, actually, he really likes it? (laughs shortly and smashes a spoonful of mashed potato on the plate) Take it and never have kids!
(Suddenly, Uncle Lies enters the scene, wearing an apron and a chef hat)
Uncle Lies: Darling, darling, no. You can't serve that! Not without our special garnish.
(Aunt Despair holds the dish under the camera's sight, as Uncle Lies unzips his pants and pisses all over it)
Aunt Despair: (whispers) Come here. (leans towards the camera) Tastes worse than it smells.
(The scene goes on for a few seconds. Once we're back to the movie, E.B. promises Fred to leave, as he is walking and talking in the middle of the city, before we cut to another scene of them talking in the car)
NC (vo): As they agreed on, Fred got E.B. the audition, so he agrees to leave.
E.B.: You've done your part. Now I'm ready to get out of your life.
(The counter reaches 6)
NC (vo): But it's interrupted by...hold on to your balls...another car scene!
E.B.: I know we said we’d go our separate ways, but please...
NC: (frustrated) I'm convinced the car is gonna be the Easter Bunny by the end of this!
(Fred goes to his sister Alex's school Easter pageant with E.B. hiding in a satchel. As she said, Alex performs her solo in a bunny suit)
Alex: (singing) Here comes Peter Cottontail...
(Everybody, including E.B., aren't pleased by Alex's singing. E.B. sees three bunny-shaped shadows on the wall approaching him, and thinking these are the Pink Berets, he dashes out to the stage, scared. Fred catches him, but after it's revealed they were only boys in bunny suits, they realize the audience is staring at them, so they are forced to feign a ventriloquist's act with E.B.'s as the dummy)
NC (vo): They go to his younger sister's play, but he's (E.B.) afraid he sees the Pink Berets, when it turns out it wasn't them. But he's stuck up there, so they pretend it's a ventriloquist act and they sing "I Want Candy". It sounds just as awful as it sounds.
E.B.: (singing) I know a girl who's tough but sweet...
(The audience is seen enjoying it)
NC: (as an audience member, laughs) I much rather watch...
NC (vo): ...this creepy man interrupt a children's pageant rather than watch my child perform.
NC: (as an audience member, grinning) I'm on so much WEEEEED!
(Fred is shown having a forced smile, and after that, we cut to a famous scene from I, Tonya, showing the titular character desperately trying to hold her tears and smile before her entrance into the skating rink)
NC (vo): The look on Marsden's face as he tries to maintain any dignity in this scene is the same Margot Robbie had in I, Tonya when things were exploding out of control.
NC: Coincidence? I don't care. It's there.
(After the play ends, Fred is approached by his father)
Henry: Is this your new career? Upstaging grade-schoolers with your ventriloquist puppet?
Fred: No! No, no. I got lots of other stuff going on.
NC: Am I...not supposed to side with the dad? 'Cause I'm really siding with the dad!
Henry: Can you give me just one reason not to be disappointed?
NC: Oh, come on. He...no, not a thing. This movie's terrible.
(Cut to a family dinner scene from before, before showing the scene of Alex performing again)
NC (vo): I mean, didn't the little sister say she was really looking forward to it, the teacher picked her to be, like, the big singing role?
Alex: They usually cast a boy as Peter Cottontail, but they made an exception for me on account of my singing voice is so strong.
(Alex's reaction to Fred interrupting the play is shown: she's legitimately disappointed and angry, even when seeing Fred receiving flowers from her classmate)
NC (vo): And...yeah, for whatever reason, her singing sucks, that doesn't really make sense, but why start now in this movie...regardless, this asshole still comes up and just ruins her pageant! And he doesn't make it up to her or anything! She just...has to live with it, and he's rewarded for some reason! This movie is just...shit!
(The movie's logo appears once again as NC, imitating the announcer, sounds less excited)
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! You know what? Just hate everything. Like...everything. Hop.
(After speaking with his father, Fred leaves to talk with E.B. at the mansion)
NC (vo): But Fred gets an idea all of a sudden.
E.B.: Wait, is this where you tell me you want to see other rabbits? 'Cause I'm open-minded, Fred. (The Russel Brand line counter reaches 7)
Fred: Tonight, it just hit me.
NC: (as Fred) I'm insane, and I'm walking into rubber rooms!
Fred: (whispers to E.B.'s ear) I want to be the Easter Bunny.
NC: So the moral, kids, if you can't find a job, you know... (His smile abruptly goes down) ...be a rabbit.
NC (vo): E.B. doesn't want him to do it, though...
E.B.: Come on, Fred, it doesn't make sense.
(The next morning, E.B. is surprised to see Fred painting hundreds of eggs)
NC (vo): ...until a moment later, when he decides...he does.
E.B.: I've changed me mind. We're gonna do this.
NC (vo): Well, that ran the emotional alphabet from A to A-. Insert embarrassing grown man montage here!
(Cut to E.B. training Fred, teaching him how to jump over hedges and bouncing...on a pink ball. The royalty free music track is playing in the background in place of the movie's music)
NC: (hands crossed) Mr. Marsden...do you have kids? Do they go to school? (The clip of Fred bouncing on a ball and falling is shown again) They have to live with this.
(As the Pink Berets close in on E.B., he prepares a decoy to fake his death by putting a chicken in a flannel shirt into a boiling pot and leaves for Hasselhoff's show for himself)
NC (vo): The Pink Berets find the mansion, though, and E.B. tries to fool them by making it look like Fred cooked him before leaving him to the slaughter.
E.B.: What about Fred? Oh, he'll be all right.
NC: (as E.B.) Humans can grow their testicles back, right?
NC (vo): Actually, the more I look at them (the Berets), the more they look like (picture of...) Officer Hopps. And...this is called Hop.
NC: (wide-eyed) What if this is all a prequel to Zootopia?
NC (vo): Cute critters can talk, they get organized, they handle Easter, 12 Monkeys happens, and the animals rule the Earth!
NC: Pieces were in front of us the whole time! We just really had to hate this movie to see them!
(Fred is captured by the Berets and is taken to the Easter Island. He is confronted by Mr. Bunny and Carlos. The latter silences Fred when he tries to say that E.B. isn't dead and seizes control of the factory, capturing Mr. Bunny and the other rabbits)
NC (vo): They bring Fred back to Easter Island just at the time when Carlos decides to take over.
Mr. Bunny: Pink Berets!
(The Berets appear at the scene, jumping at Carlos in slow-motion, but Carlos splashes them with chocolate, freezing them in place)
NC: (as Carlos) Now eat them! Eat them until their insides are hollow!
(Meanwhile, the Hasselhoff's show's production assistant walks in E.B.'s dressing room...and he's played by Russell Brand)
NC (vo): E.B. gets ready to go on stage, where...yeah, I didn't think he could do a movie without shoving his face on screen.
E.B.: It's E.B.
Assistant: Oh, all right, well, E.B., you're wanted on stage in two minutes.
NC: Is this like Timecop, where if they touch each other they both explode? (The movie's poster appears with a caption "Unrated" covering it) Can I see that unrated version, please?!
(E.B. prepares for his big entrance, but starts to feel guilty for acting selfish and leaving Fred, and Hasselhoff approaches him)
NC (vo): But the Hoff senses something is wrong.
Hasselhoff: How's my little guy? (The assistants pull out two director chairs for him and E.B.)
NC (vo; as Hasselhoff): You're not ready for Hop-and-Hoffenfeffer with Hop and Hoff.
E.B.: Fred could be in real trouble.
Hasselhoff: Now, I find a good way...
E.B.: No, it's not the jitters, David.
NC: Why is he (Hasselhoff) moving like a malfunctioning animatronic?
(As this bit of dialogue is repeated, the mechanical sound effects are added to Hasselhoff's every head turn and movement)
Hasselhoff: Now, I find a good way...
E.B.: No, it's not the jitters, David.
Hasselhoff: Go to him. (turns to E.B., with the same mechanical noise being heard) Go...to...him. (goes off to the stage as he is introduced there)
(E.B. finds evidence of Fred's capture and races back to the factory, confronting Carlos)
NC (vo): E.B. returns, but the chicks attack him.
Carlos: Fire at will!
(Three ramps controlled by three chickens appear above, and they shoot gummy candy at E.B. One chicken is shown having a blank look throughout this)
NC: That bird had the dead eyes of a psychopath! They are going to find body parts in his basket!
(Due to the magic of the Egg of Destiny inside Mr. Bunny's staff, Carlos is transformed into a giant chick-bunny combination)
NC (vo): Carlos uses the scepter to transform himself into a bunny...
NC: (shaking head) Look, there's actual focus on Easter now, I'll take it.
(Carlos then tries to lead the sled out with his sidekick Phil directing, but E.B. improvises a drum session)
NC (vo): ...as E.B. has the brilliant plan of outwinning the chicks by... (sighs) ...playing the drums.
(Phil is forced to uncontrollably dance to E.B.'s drum beat, providing the wrong signals)
Carlos: Phil! Knock it off! Phil! Phil!
NC: Remember that Aerosmith game where they say music's the weapon? (The cover for the 1994 arcade game Revolution X Featuring Aerosmith is shown) Well, this is nothing like that. It's Hop, and it sucks.
(The sled crashes as E.B. continues drumming. After Carlos is subdued, E.B. reunites with his father)
NC (vo): I guess getting the navigator to dance throws off the chicks' flight, causing them to crash. I know episodes of (poster of...) WordGirl that had more advanced strategies, but if we pretend we're having a good time, maybe they'll mercifully end early.
E.B.: Dad, I'm ready.
NC (vo): The day is saved, and it's decided that both Fred and E.B. will make deliveries on Easter while E.B. continues to do his drumming.
(Fred touches the Egg of Destiny)
Mr. Bunny: By the power vested in me, I pronounce E.B. and Fred O'Hare co-Easter Bunnies. (Everybody cheers)
NC (vo; as Mr. Bunny): They'll have an apartment in Boys Town, sing show tunes at bars and watch endless hours of Antiques Roadshow!
(Fred and E.B., now in the Easter Bunny attire, are shown piloting their own sled)
(The sled lands in the backyard of O'Hare house, as Fred's family watches his son with astonishment)
NC (vo): So Fred shows off that he finally did something with his life...he says he's the Easter Bunny, but I think he's Zachary Hale Comstock building Columbia. (The logos for BioShock Infinite and Zootopia appear) See, BioShock is in the sky, Zootopia is on the ground. IT ALL CONNECTS!
NC: (as Alex) I still think you're an asshole for ruining my play, asshole!
(Carlos and the other chicks are shown pulling the sled as E.B. and Fred fly on to their next destination)
NC (vo): It's nice to know they forgave the chicks by enslaving them for the rest of their lives.
E.B.: Yeah, come on, Carlos! Put your back into it!
Carlos: One little coup, and suddenly, I'm everybody's chump.
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! It's the Civil War in reverse. (The following isn't read, as he gets less excited) I will not give you a second "Hop" on this one. I'm...I'm too depressed.
(The movie ends)
NC: And that was Hop. What do I think of this bland, forgettable horseshit?
Carrotjuice: (reappearing in the door) Remember, Critic, keep smiling!
NC: (angry) Piss off, man! There's no way I can smile when talking about this film!
(The movie's clips are shown for the last time as NC states his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): This movie should have been a charming, cute adventure. I dare even say, it was practically unavoidable! A man becoming the Easter Bunny promises a lot of timeless, creative imagination. But with the exception of the first few minutes, it's dated, boring tedium. Nothing is funny, nothing is clever, there's not even much that's very colorful, it's just pointless musical numbers, bland scenarios and blase dialogue. I hope more Easter Bunny movies are made, not so we can have more like this, but so they can help us forget what is already pretty forgettable! And I still stand by the only reason anyone remembers it is because it's the only one! When you want to see a film that represents the magic and wonder of Easter, you can rest assure it's a million hops and skips away from this.
Carrotjuice: And you still haven't learned to play the drums. How do you expect to sit around and whimsically do nothing when you stuff stuff to do? Hop to it! (laughs shortly) I said the thing. (speeds off)
NC: Screw this shit. I'm gonna head over being Easter Bunny to some Candy Man or something.
(The door is opened by...Black Willy Wonka)
Wonka: Excuse me, did somebody say "Candy Man"?
(NC thinks for a bit. Cut to them walking out of the room and to the next door)
NC: You just grab this basket, you wave your hand in front of the door, and they'll take you to the magic Easter place. This guy named Carrotjuice will fill you in. (hands the Easter basket over to Wonka)
Wonka: Thank you, Critic. I promise I won't let you down.
(Wonka waves his hand, with sparkles coming out again. NC thumbs up to him, and Wonka enters the room)
NC: (sighs, smiling) He's gonna do a good job.
(He turns to leave. The time card "1 Second Later" appears for just one second...and NC hears the lightning crackling. He rushes to the door, opens it...and sees the grinning Wonka floating above the completely wrecked factory)
Wonka: The prophecy has finally come true. Long live eternal misery.
NC: (stunned) Uh... (clears throat) Sorry to interrupt, I know you have your hands full...you don't know where Carrotjuice is, do you?
Wonka: Oh, I caramelized him. Over there.
(NC turns head to see...Carrotjuice frozen in a screaming position, covered in caramel. NC is really horrified by this sight, as it cuts closer and closer to Carrotjuice)
NC: (suddenly speaking to camera, imitating Bugs Bunny from Easter Yeggs) Remember, Doc, keep smiling!
(He nervously laughs, holding a carrot. Iris out. The Looney Tunes starbust appears with an image of a shrugging Castor Troy from Face/Off, as the synth version of "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down" is heard. Cut to a clip from Con Air)
Cameron Poe: Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box?
(The clip switches to a still shot of Castor Troy, as the caption "That's All Folks!" appears)
Channel Awesome tagline - Russell Brand: Now, I have discussed the possibility of perhaps forming a collage of hair. A follicular structure to join us all.
(The credits roll)