June 29th, 2010
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Is it possible to make to make fun of the movie you like? I don't know, but I am doing it. This is Hook!
Footage of Hook
NC (voiceover): Well, people either love or hate this movie. Personally, I love it. I love the premise, I love the two lead actors, and I love the fact that it actually trys to dive into the psychology of Peter Pan. But with that said, there are a lot of stupid things about it too. It's very cliches, very corny, filled with even more Spielber's whimsical schmucks, than, um, Peter Pan!
NC: But my nostalgia aside, does that technically make Hook a good movie or a bad movie? Well, let's not waste any time. Let's cut right into Hook!
NC (voiceover): So the story begins as we start off with the backstory of Peter Pan.
In a very poorly set stage, there are Wendy and Peter Pan
Wendy(dramatically): Poor boy. Why're you crying?
Peter: I was crying 'cause I couldn't get my shadow to stick.
NC: Boy, I though the production value's be a little better than this.
NC (voiceover): Actually this is a school play, starring the daughter of our main character, Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams.
Peter Pan receives a phone call during the play
Peter (On the phone): Want a meeting, tomorrow, am?
Peter's Son, Jack: Dad, my game! You promised.
Peter (on the phone): Listen, it's my son's big game. (Whispering to Jack) I'll be there. My word is my bond.
NC(voiceover, mimicking the whispering voice of Robing Williams): By that I mean I'm lying to you, this will be the focal point of the movie!
NC(voice over): And then we cut to the next day at his son's game..
An umpire dressed as Santa Clause is seen
NC: Why Santa Christ is the umpire, I have no idea, as we see his father running late, having fun with the people at work. So he sends a co-worker to the baseball field to film the game... ouch, which causes him to lose.
NC: Peter tries to make it up to him on the plane right to Britain, (The words PAN AM is visible on the surface of the plane) which is in an airline that hasn't existed for years, but the pun was too tempting, as Jack wants nothing to do with it.
Peter: Jack, next season I am coming to six games. I promise. My word is my bond.
Jack: Your Junk bond. 'Jack throws his baseball to the ceiling of the plane which causes oxygen masks to pop out the ceiling. Peter is surprised and screams.
NC(waving his arms hysterically): TERRORIST! How did you get that baseball to pass the security!
NC(voiceover): So it turns out they are going to Britain because Peter's old friend Wendy, played by Maggie Smith, is having a children's hospital dedicated to her.
Peter's daughter, Maggie: Is your friend Wendy is the real, real Wendy from my play?
Peter's wife: Yes.
Peter: No, honey. Not really.
NC(voiceover): She also has another lost orphan she looks after named Toodles. Starting to see a connection here?
Toodles is searching for something on the floor
Toodles: Lost, lost lost.
Peter: Lost what?
Toodles: I've lost my marble.
NC Pray to god you laughed at that joke because this movie has three variations of it!
NC(voiceover): So Peter explains what he does for a living and why he was kept away from London for 10 whole years. Peter: I am still in emergence acquisition, and dabbled into some land development.
Jack: Any resistance! And he blows them out of the wall!
Wendy: So, Peter. You've become a pirate.
Film Brain suddenly appears and raises his arms upward and shouts.
Film Brain: Symbolism!
NC: What was that? I don't know.
NC(Voiceover): Before dedication he gets a call from work. But the kids are too dull and noisy for him to hear.
Peter: What, a five billion dollar deal falling apart because of this? Why doesn't somebody just shoot me in the head?
Jack: (making a gun gesture with his hands) Bang, bang!
Peter: Will everybody just shut up!
Jack: I'm sorry.
Peter: Moira, get 'em outta here, will you? I'm on the phone call of my life!
NC: I mean, it's not like I can go into another room or something!
NC(Voiceover): After that blowup, they get ready to go to the dedication dinner for the new hospital.
Maggie (To Peter): Toodles make it for me. It smells nice.
Peter: It's paper, honey.
NC(Voiceover): Dude, how much for killjoy is this jerk?
NC is seen receiving a phone call and a frown in his face. Off screen voice of a kid voiced by NC is heard.
Kid (Offscreen): Dad, is there a Santa Clause?
Kid (Offscreen): Is there an Easter Bunny?
NC: No! We made that up too.
Kid (Offscreen):Is there a god?
NC (nervously angrily): Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that god actually exists so probably not. In fact, the majority of the religions in fact all the religions are completely false!
The kind offscreen starts crying
NC: Oh, what?!
Peter: Hey, Jack. Jack, you are in charge now. This is my very special watch, so you can track the time.
The scene of Captain Koons giving a boy a watch from Pulp Fiction is shown.
Captain Koons: I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years.
NC(Voiceover): So the night's big hit, the children's hospital is named after her. But some evil is lurking outside the window.
The scene of Hook breaking into the house with green smoke and moving things without touching them' is shown.
NC(Voiceover): Ok, here's my question. This is obviously Hook coming in to kidnap children. But, what the hell is he doing? Where did the green smoke come from? How is he able to move things without touching it? Did he sell his soul to saint on the way to Earth?
Children's blankets are lifted into the air by themselves while children are screaming.
NC(Voiceover):ZUUL, LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL! A scene of Wendy being shocked, dropping her cup and slowly sitting down is shown.
Peter's wife: Are you alright? Wendy?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt the great disturbance in the force.
NC(Voiceover): So they come home to find that the place has been broken into and the children have been kidnaped.
Peter(Reaing the letter sent by hook):Dear Peter. Your presence is required at the request of your children. Kindest personal regards, James Hook., Captain.
NC: P.S. I don't care anyone says that I'd love a license to wed!
NC(Voiceover): So they call the police, as detective Phil Collins here to look over the situation. I'm not even kidding! That's real Phil Collins! It's totally him!
Toodles: I've forgotten how to fly.
Phil Collins: Well, one does.
Phil Colins hurriedly bows and walks away.
NC(Voiceover) (Mimicking Phil Collins): I'm off to ruin Disnsy's Tarzan.
NC(Voiceover): So Wendy decides to have a little talk with Peter about why all this is happening.
Wendy: How far back you can remember, Peter?
Peter: You looked after the orphans, you taught me to read, you arranged the adoption by American Terrence Hank and Jane Bennet.
Wendy: You were twelve, nearly thirteen! Can you remember before that?
Peter: There is nothing before that.
NC: I have the same unquestioned, repressed childhood that everybody has. Why?
Wendy: That was when you decided not to go back to the Neverland.
Wendy: To Never Never land.
Peter seems shocked. Suddenly a techno dance music can be heard while flickering shiny letters appear around Wendy's head saying: Nutball!, She's gone bye bye!, I'm the one who lost her marbles., Commit me!
Wendy: Peter! The stories are true! And now he's come back to seek his revenge.
NC(Imitating Wendy): It's Dustin Hoffman's Pieta. He wants to outmug you!
NC(Voiceover): So Wendy tells Peter about his true origins, but not surprisingly he doesn't believe it. However that night he gets a little more proof than he needed. Tinkerbell comes in played by Julia Roberts.
Tinkerbell: Peter Pan!
Peter: Peter Banning.
Tinkerbell: Well, whoever you are, it is still you. Because there one person has that smell.
NC (Smiling broadly): Yes. Your love of Mexican food was always a that giveaway.
NC(Voiceover): And I have to admit this is one of the casting choices I didn't like. I mean, she doesn't do a horrible job or anything, but she plays way to American-Sweetheartish. Tinkerbell in the original story could be nice, but she was also jealous and deceiving. This was the fairy that tried to have Wendy killed, remember? And now she is way too smilish and innocent.
NC: I mean, C'mon, Julia Roberts! You're supposed to kniving, attention-seeking person! You know, less like this (Picture of her portraying Tinkerbell is shown) and more like...
Picture of proud Julia Roberts holding her Oscar trophy is shown.
NC(Voiceover): So Tink tries to tell him who she is, but Peter still has a hard time grasping it.
Peter I do not believe in fairies.
Tinkerbell Every time someone says 'I do not believe in fairies', somewhere there's a fairy that falls down dead.
Peter I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!
Christa from NC's Ferngully review appears and falls dead with a thump.
NC(Voiceover): So Tink knocks him out and eventually flies him up to Neverland. On the way, she sprinkles some fairy dust on a kissing couple and they fly up into the air.
NC: That's a cute joke. But I have to admit, something about that couple seems familiar.
Pictures of George Lucas and Carrie Fisher overlaps with the scene of couple kissing on the bridge.
NC (voiceover): It's George Lucas and Carrie Fisher?! I swear to god, that's not a joke! George Lucas and Carrie FIisher are the couple KISSING on that bridge!
NC (Doing a motion of threwing fairy dusts): GO! Erotic fan fiction writers! To your keyboards! A new world of sexual Star War fantasies AWAITS YOU!
NC (voiceover): So, she carries him up to the... obvious set of Neverland. And thankfully she drops him on the most safe and protected area she could find... in the middle of the fucking pirate villiage! That's like dropping an ant in anti-ant convention!
Peter: Gentlemen, I, I am looking for someone.
All of the pirates suddenly roars and pulls out their weapons and starts to fight. Tinkerbell appears and knocks them out.
NC (voiceover): I am sorry, but when did Tinkerbell get so freakin' strong? She knocks out pirates, tosses them around, carries Peter to Neverland!
NC: Someone's been eating her steroid wheaties!
A fake advertisement of Steroid Wheaties with a picture of Tinkerbell smiling, saying "Now with more penis shrinkage!" is shown.
NC (Voiceover): So after rasing TinkerHell, she disguises Peter as a pirate and sneaks him aboard Hook's ship. So he see the villiam is Hook, played by Duntin Hoffman, and his sidekick Smee played by Bob Hoskins.
Captain Hook: I am going to kill Peter Pan, that quirky boy who cut off my hand fed me to the crocodiles. Who killed that cunning crocodiles?
Captain Hook: Who stopped them?
Captain Hook: Who made it into a giant clock?
Captain Hook: Who went into the other world and stole Pan's children?
Captain Hook: And who didn't believe I can't do it?
NC is about to shout "Hook!" but pasues and puts his hand on his mouth, realizing what Hook really said.
NC (Voiceover): So he brings up the children as Peter accidently outs himself, trying to run after them.
Captain Hook: Who are you?
Peter: I'm Peter Banning, Attorney at Law, these are my children and I want them back.
Captain Hook: These are your...
Captain Hook: These are your children.
Peter: Yes they are.
Captain Hook: And you are?
Captain Hook: You're Peter?
Captain Hook: You're Peter?
Captain Hook: No.
The arguing of Peter Pan and Captain Hook overlaps with 'Abbott and Costello's Who's on First Base skit
NC: SHUUUUT UUUP!
NC (voiceover): So Smee proves that he really is Peter Pan by pullin out his medical records... How the hell did he get that? As Hook can't believe what a worn out sack Peter Pan has become.
Peter: Let's finish this problem.
Captain Hook: Expediently I agree.
Peter: I want my children.
Captain Hook: I want my war!
Pirates: Aye! NC (Imitating Captain Hook): The Ninjas must die!
NC (voiceover): So he makes a deal that if Peter flies up and touches his children's fingers he'll let them all go.
Peter: I'm coming, sweetheart! Come and give me a hand?
Captain Hook: I already have.
NC (Imitating Hook): Oh, yes. I went that.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out Peter forgot to take his Flyagra and is not able to get up. This comes as a serious disappointment to Mr. Hook. Hook: Gentlemen, I am afraid I have decided to cancel to war.
NC (Imitating Hook): I will instead run Ernest goes to Camp. (sounds of disappointment from offscreen crowd)
NC (Voiceover): But before he can kill him Tinkerbell strikes up a deal the Captain. She says that if he gives her three days, he can get him back to normal.
Hook Better to deliver, miss Bell, no mode clapping will bring you back from where I will send you.
NC (Mimickinh Hook): That's a butcrack with your name on it. Ho Ho!
NC (voiceover): So Hook agrees but Pan is accidently knocked over. Thankfully he is saved by skittles commericals, as lifted up to the hideout of the lost boys. But the boys don't recognize him as new leader, named Rufio suggests that they chop him into pieces.
Rufio: Can't fly, fight, or crow. And any of you say this scum is at Peter Pan, crossed a line.
NC (voiceover): You know, for a lost jungle boy, he sure does seem to put a lot of mousse in that hair, doesn' he? But luckily their oracle or something comes in and sees the Pan inside him. So the lost boys finally decides to help Peter out. But unfortunately, Hook and Smee has a diabolical plan: To make Pan's kids love Hook, as that would be the ultimate revenge.
Hook: Jack. Your father went to your sister's school play, did he not? But did he go to your baseball game?
Jack: How'd you know about that?
NC (voiceover): Uh, that's a legitimate question. Where are they getting all these information? Medical info? Backgroung histoy? Is there just a private records building that's way too leaving on the their policies?
A picture of a cassette tape player appears as we can see "Audio Recording from Department of Record" in the bottom.
Recorded voice of Hook: Yes, I would like the medical records, background history including the rest of Mr. Peter Banning please.
Recorded voice of the agent: Well, I don't know..That sounds suspicious...
Recorded voice of Hook: It's not.
Recorded voice of the agent: Uh, OK.
Recorded voice of Hook: Also I would like to have background check of his children, please include any incurred emotional scars that might been made in the past a few days also.
Recorded voice of the agent: Now that sounds REALLY suspicious.
Recorded voice of Hook: No, it doesn't. No man dressed as a pirate with a hook on his hand honestly strike you as suspicious.
Recorded voice of the agent: I suppose not.
Recorded voice of Hook: Good. Now could you hurry along? I've been flying a green puff of smoke I need to catch.
Recorded voice of the agent: Ok.
Recorded voice of Hook: Most excellent.
NC (voiceover): While Mggie seems to find, Jack seems a little bit more leaning to Hook's offer, which means Peter has to work even faster to get into shape for big fight.
Montage of Peter working hard to get into shape is shown.
NC (voiceover): But while they take a break for dinner, Peter sees just what they eat in regular basis. Children shoves food into their plates from empty cooking pots.
NC (voiceover): Ah, it's the clister fucker diet.
Child: Eat up!
Peter: Eat what? There is nothing here. Ghandi eats more than this!
NC (voiceover): It turns out that Peter has to use his imagination in order to make food appear, as he does just that. Now They have all the beautiful.. purple pastes they can eat I guess.
NC (voiceover): But Peter's popularity distrubs Rufio as he throws the world's slowest moving coconut towards him! Peter slices the coconut into half with a sword as all the children watch him in admiration.
NC: That coconot had just two days left before the retirement, you bastard!
NC (voiceover): So the chubby black kid that everyone for the longest time that was the kid in Good Burger, talks about old friend, Toodles.
Peter: How do you know Toodles?
Chubby Kid: He was a lost boy. These are his marbles.
Chubby kid hands Peter a bag with stone marbles in it. Peter laughs.
Peter: He really did lose his marbles, didn't he?
Chubby Kid: Yeah, he lost them good.
NC (voiceover, mimicking the voice of the chubby kid): Hey, I can't believe we're still trying to put in this joke! A ha ha ha!
Cubby Kid: Do you remember your mother, Peter?
Peter: I wish I could.
NC (voiceover, mimicking Peter): I hear Spielberg is trying to be forcefully whimsical. We cut to the scene in Hook's ship, and we see pirates being confused while watching Maggie singing (very, very poorly).
NC (voiceover): You know, in a time like this I really wish the pirates of Neverland were the pirates of Carribean.
As Maggie continues to sing poorly, a scene of Captain Barbosa making face and shooting toward his henchman (Presumable to Maggie, in this review, by NC's editing) is shown. The singing stops, and then we cut to the scene of pirates shouting Aye! cheerfully.
NC (voiceover): So Hook has more plans to lure Jack to his side as he brings him to a museum of broken clocks. While in here, he convinces jack to smash his father's watch.
Jack: This is for... never letting me blow bubbles in my chocolate milk!
Smashes his father's watch. Hook And Smee cheers.
Jack: This is for never letting me jump on my own bed!
He smashes another clock and Hook and Smee Cheers again.
Jack: For never doing anything with me.
Jack then smashes another clock. A Drug PSA from NC's The Top 11 Drug PSAs is shown. A crazy woman smashes everything around her with a frying pan, saying: This what your FAMILY GOES THROUGH! And your friends and your MONEY!
NC (voiceover): So he put on a baseball game for Jack as Peter is told that stealing Hook's hook will make him proud and give him the energy to crow. But peter is distracted as Jack is brough up to bat.
Smee throws the baseball and Jack triumphantly hits it.
NC (voiceover): Dude, was there fucking smoke out of that ball?
NC: Smee is a fucking Olympian!
Jack wins the game and Peter shouts in joy but his smile suddenly disappears as he hears Hook saying "Well done, my Jack!". Then the camera does a close up of Peter's face as sconfused Peter murmurs "My Jack?". NC sneers.
NC: Yes. I do believe that is.
The same music and camera work is used as NC looks in the camera and mimicks Robin Williams by saying: "My Jack?"
NC (voiceover): So he goes back to the hideout, which is not really much a hideout, it's a tree with lights, as he stumbles upon an old cave from the past, or the fragments of it.
Tinkerbell: Do you like my dress?
Peter: What's the occasion?
Tinkerbell: You are. It's a welcome home party.
NC: I've been waiting here nine hours in this dress just praying you'll stumble onto this. Thank you for stumbling onto this!
Peter: I remember...
NC (voiceover): And thus we begin a reconstruction of Peter Pan's memory. Which must be missing a few guess because there are about a zillion of plot holes in this next few minutes. In fact, Let's count them down.
Peter: What happened here?
Tinkerbell: Burnt it when you didn't come back.
NC (voiceover): Well, then why did you build a new hideout on the top of the old hideout?
Plot hole counter appears and shows "1"
NC (voiceover): In fact, why the hell the Hook did not just burn the new hideout?
Plot hole counter appears and shows "2"
Peter: I remember my mother. I remember her.
Peter's mother (flashback of Peter): After graduation, he will prepare for being a judge in the higest court. Peter: I was afraid because I didn't want to grow up. Because everyboy who grows up has to die someday. So I ran away
NC (voiceover): Uh, you stolled away, as you can't really run yet. I guess he used his sidekick powers!
Plot hole counter appears and shows "3"
NC (voiceover): And plus, you are a frickn' baby! You have no concept of age or death, or even the color of orange! How can you comprehend all these?
Plot hole counter appears and shows "4". Tinkerbell in Peter's flashback finds the baby Peter.
Peter: You brought me to Neverland. You taught me to fly.
A boy Peter is seen who is peeking inside the window for his mother.
NC (voiceover): OK. So if you went to Neverland to never grow up, then WHY is he constantly growing up? He was a baby, he was then a boy, now he is a freaking teenager? I will sue Neverland for fucking false advertisement!
Plot hole counter appears and shows "5"
NC: There. There are five major plot holes in the past five minutes. FIVE major plot holes! What the hell happend? You were doing pretty good until then! What, the, writers are lost when coming into explaining everything?
Peter: I expected my shadow and I would to join together like drops of water.
Young Peter tries to stick his shadow to him but fails and starts to cry.
Young Wendy (In Peter's flashback): Boy, why are you crying? NC: 'cause you're Gwyneth Paltrow. You're gonna grow up to win an Oscar. I am gonna grow up to get supporting sole on Si-isters!
Peter: I came back many times for Wendy, always in the spring.
Young Wendy (In Peter's flashback): Peter!
Peter: When I came back, the last time...
Old Wendy (In Peter's flashback): Peter, I cannot come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. I am old, Peter.
NC (voiceover): Whoa! Creekeeper!
Young Peter (In Peter's flashback): No, no, no!
Old Wendy (In Peter's flashback): That's my grandchild, Moira, sleeping in the bed.
NC (voiceover): Peter's tights suddenly become a lot tighter, as he decides he wants to stay with Moira, because... she looks hot. I don't know..I heard of dummer reasons. And then he remembers his happy thoughts.
Peter: Now I know why I haven't come back, why I grow up. I wanted to be a father.
NC: That's right. To have children of his own to neglect and forget about. This of course gets him flying, and.. sewing some new tights together, as he rediscovers his childhood and shows off to the lost boys. This doesn't please Rufio though, as he get out his golden sword. Finally, this is the giant epic battle we've all been waiting for...okey?
Rufio falls to his knees in front of Peter.
Rufio: You are the Pan.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out Peter might have gotten to much of his memory back.
Peter: Are you sick? You need a bandage? Or thermometer! Thermometer make it all better!
Tinkerbell: Oh no, Peter! it's not about that. Peter puts his finger onto his mouth while saying the sentence below and thus makes a disgusting sounds.
Peter: If you put the thermometer, you get better!
NC: Uh, can we get the jerky, not delightful Peter back?
Tinkerbell: You remember the great next adventures for kids?
Peter: Peter Pan got kids?
Tinkerbell: Why are you in Neverland?
Peter: That's easy! Because...
Robin williams makes annoying long ad-libs.
NC: OK. Can you form a sentence out of these words? UP THE FUCK SHUT!
NC (voiceover): But Tinkerbell, out of nowhere, suddenly changes size, and... dresses.. because here she explains.
Tinkerbell: This is the only time I wished for myself. NC (voiceover): That's it. Good explanation, huh?
Tinkerbell kisses Peter Pan.
NC (voiceover, mimicking Robin Williams):I think I getting into my puberty again, hu huh!