NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Is it possible to make to make fun of the movie you like? I don't know, but I am doing it. This is Hook!
Footage of Hook
NC (voiceover): Well, people either love or hate this movie. Personally, I love it. I love the premise, I love the two lead actors, and I love the fact that it actually trys to dive into the psychology of Peter Pan. But with that said, there are a lot of stupid things about it too. It's very cliches, very corny, filled with even more Spielber's whimsical schmucks, than, um, Peter Pan!
NC: But my nostalgia aside, does that technically make Hook a good movie or a bad movie? Well, let's not waste any time. Let's cut right into Hook!
NC (voiceover): So the story begins as we start off with the backstory of Peter Pan.
In a very poorly set stage, there are Wendy and Peter Pan
Wendy(dramatically): Poor boy. Why're you crying?
Peter: I was crying 'cause I couldn't get my shadow to stick.
NC: Boy, I though the production value's be a little better than this.
NC (voiceover): Actually this is a school play, starring the daughter of our main character, Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams.
Peter Pan receives a phone call during the play
Peter (On the phone): Want a meeting, tomorrow, am?
Peter's Son, Jack: Dad, my game! You promised.
Peter (on the phone): Listen, it's my son's big game. (Whispering to Jack) I'll be there. My word is my bond.
NC(voiceover, mimicking the whispering voice of Robing Williams): By that I mean I'm lying to you, this will be the focal point of the movie!
NC(voice over): And then we cut to the next day at his son's game..
An umpire dressed as Santa Clause is seen
NC: Why Santa Christ is the umpire, I have no idea, as we see his father running late, having fun with the people at work. So he sends a co-worker to the baseball field to film the game... ouch, which causes him to lose.
NC: Peter tries to make it up to him on the plane right to Britain, (The words PAN AM is visible on the surface of the plane) which is in an airline that hasn't existed for years, but the pun was too tempting, as Jack wants nothing to do with it.
Peter: Jack, next season I am coming to six games. I promise. My word is my bond.
Jack: Your Junk bond.
'Jack throws his baseball to the ceiling of the plane which causes oxygen masks to pop out the ceiling. Peter is surprised and screams.
NC(waving his arms hysterically): TERRORIST! How did you get that baseball to pass the security!
NC(voiceover): So it turns out they are going to Britain because Peter's old friend Wendy, played by Maggie Smith, is having a children's hospital dedicated to her.
Peter's daughter, Maggie: Is your friend Wendy is the real, real Wendy from my play?
Peter's wife: Yes.
Peter: No, honey. Not really.
NC(voiceover): She also has another lost orphan she looks after named Toodles. Starting to see a connection here?
Toodles is searching for something on the floor
Toodles: Lost, lost lost.
Peter: Lost what?
Toodles: I've lost my marble.
NC Pray to god you laughed at that joke because this movie has three variations of it!
NC(voiceover): So Peter explains what he does for a living and why he was kept away from London for 10 whole years.
Peter: I am still in emergence acquisition, and dabbled into some land development.
Jack: Any resistance! And he blows them out of the wall!
Wendy: So, Peter. You've become a pirate.
Film Brain suddenly appears and raises his arms upward and shouts.
NC(Voiceover): Before dedication he gets a call from work. But the kids are too dull and noisy for him to hear.
Peter: What, a five billion dollar deal falling apart because of this? Why doesn't somebody just shoot me in the head? Jack: (making a gun gesture with his hands) Bang, bang! Peter: Will everybody just shut up! Jack: I'm sorry. Peter: Moira, get 'em outta here, will you? I'm on the phone call of my life!
NC: I mean, it's not like I can go into another room or something!
NC(Voiceover): After that blowup, they get ready to go to the dedication dinner for the new hospital.
Maggie (To Peter): Toodles make it for me. It smells nice.
Peter: It's paper, honey.
NC(Voiceover): Dude, how much for killjoy is this jerk?
NC is seen receiving a phone call and a frown in his face. Off screen voice of a kid voiced by NC is heard.
Kid (Offscreen): Dad, is there a Santa Clause?
Kid (Offscreen): Is there an Easter Bunny?
NC: No! We made that up too.
Kid (Offscreen):Is there a god?
NC (nervously angrily): Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that god actually exists so probably not. In fact, the majority of the religions in fact all the religions are completely false!
The kind offscreen starts crying
NC: Oh, what?!
Peter: Hey, Jack. Jack, you are in charge now. This is my very special watch, so you can track the time.
The scene of Captain Koons giving a boy a watch from Pulp Fiction is shown.
Captain Koons: I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years.
NC(Voiceover): So the night's big hit, the children's hospital is named after her. But some evil is lurking outside the window.
The scene of Hook breaking into the house with green smoke and moving things without touching them'is shown.
NC(Voiceover): Ok, here's my question. This is obviously Hook coming in to kidnap children. But, what the hell is he doing? Where did the green smoke come from? How is he able to move things without touching it? Did he sell his soul to saint on the way to Earth?
Children's blankets are lifted into the air by themselves while children are screaming.
NC(Voiceover):ZUUL, LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!
A scene of Wendy being shocked, dropping her cup and slowly sitting down is shown.
Peter's wife: Are you alright? Wendy?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt the great disturbance in the force.
NC(Voiceover): So they come home to find that the place has been broken into and the children have been kidnaped.
Peter(Reaing the letter sent by hook):Dear Peter. Your presence is required at the request of your children. Kindest personal regards, James Hook., Captain.
NC: P.S. I don't care anyone says that I'd love a license to wed!
NC(Voiceover): So they call the police, as detective Phil Collins here to look over the situation. I'm not even kidding! That's real Phil Collins! It's totally him!
Toodles: I've forgotten how to fly.
Phil Collins: Well, one does.
Phil Colins hurriedly bows and walks away.
NC(Voiceover) (Mimicking Phil Collins): I'm off to ruin Disnsy's Tarzan.
NC(Voiceover): So Wendy decides to have a little talk with Peter about why all this is happening.
Wendy: How far back you can remember, Peter?
Peter: You looked after the orphans, you taught me to read, you arranged the adoption by American Terrence Hank and Jane Bennet.
Wendy: You were twelve, nearly thirteen! Can you remember before that?
Peter: There is nothing before that.
NC: I have the same unquestioned, repressed childhood that everybody has. Why?
Wendy: That was when you decided not to go back to the Neverland.
Wendy: To Never Never land.
Peter seems shocked. Suddenly a techno dance music can be heard while flickering shiny letters appear around Wendy's head saying: Nutball!, She's gone bye bye!, I'm the one who lost her marbles., Commit me!
Wendy: Peter! The stories are true! And now he's come back to seek his revenge.
NC(Imitating Wendy): It's Dustin Hoffman's Pieta. He wants to outmug you!
NC(Voiceover): So Wendy tells Peter about his true origins, but not surprisingly he doesn't believe it. However that night he gets a little more proof than he needed. Tinkerbell comes in played by Julia Roberts.
Tinkerbell: Peter Pan!
Peter: Peter Banning.
Tinkerbell: Well, whoever you are, it is still you. Because there one person has that smell.
NC (Smiling broadly): Yes. Your love of Mexican food was always a that giveaway.
NC(Voiceover): And I have to admit this is one of the casting choices I didn't like. I mean, she doesn't do a horrible job or anything, but she plays way to American-Sweetheartish. Tinkerbell in the original story could be nice, but she was also jealous and deceiving. This was the fairy that tried to have Wendy killed. Remember? And now she is way too smilish and innocent.
NC: I mean, C'mon, Julia Roberts! You're supposed to kniving, attention-seeking person! You know, less like this (Picture of her portraying Tinkerbell is shown) and more like...
Picture of proud Julia Roberts holding her Oscar trophy is shown.NC:...This.