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'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.''' |
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'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.''' |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes.</p>
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(images of John Hughes and posters of his various filmography are shown)</p>
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(images of John Hughes and posters of his various filmography are shown) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like “The Breakfast Club,” “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and so forth. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the “National Lampoon Vacation” movies, “Home Alone”, “Pretty in Pink” and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation….then “Home Alone 2” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “Baby’s Day Out” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “101 Dalmatians”, “Flubber”, “Just Visiting”, “Dennis the Menace”, that shitty-ass “Miracle on 34<sup>th</sup> Street” remake.</p>
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NC (voiceover): He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like “The Breakfast Club,” “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and so forth. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the “National Lampoon Vacation” movies, “Home Alone”, “Pretty in Pink” and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation….then “Home Alone 2” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “Baby’s Day Out” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “101 Dalmatians”, “Flubber”, “Just Visiting”, “Dennis the Menace”, that shitty-ass “Miracle on 34<sup>th</sup> Street” remake. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like ''the'' voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit…. Or “slapshit” as I like to call it. But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as “Home Alone 3”.</p>
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NC: ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like ''the'' voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit…. Or “slapshit” as I like to call it. But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as “Home Alone 3”. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)</p>
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(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): This is a film where even if you saw the previews you felt dirty. How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low?</p>
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NC (voiceover): This is a film where even if you saw the previews you felt dirty. How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: Well…(sighs)…let’s see if we can figure it out. This is “Home Alone 3.”</p>
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NC: Well…(sighs)…let’s see if we can figure it out. This is “Home Alone 3.” |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So, the movie starts with the typical “Home Alone” music, followed by the typical “Home Alone” credits, taking place in the typical “Home Alone” setting: HONG KONG! Literally, the first minute completely misses the idea of the franchise!</p>
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NC (voiceover): So, the movie starts with the typical “Home Alone” music, followed by the typical “Home Alone” credits, taking place in the typical “Home Alone” setting: HONG KONG! Literally, the first minute completely misses the idea of the franchise! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mob Boss: $10 million for the missile chip.</p>
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Mob Boss: $10 million for the missile chip. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mob Boss #2: Sounds like your clients want to build a missile that can’t be detected by radar.</p>
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Mob Boss #2: Sounds like your clients want to build a missile that can’t be detected by radar. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mob Boss #3: Whoever possesses the chip could dominate the entire region. NC (voiceover): What is this? “Die Hard 5”? What does this have to do with “Home Alone”?</p>
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Mob Boss #3: Whoever possesses the chip could dominate the entire region. NC (voiceover): What is this? “Die Hard 5”? What does this have to do with “Home Alone”? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Beaupre (leader of the spies): That’s what you asked for. Air Force NSB-100 C-Series. Where’s my money?</p>
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Beaupre (leader of the spies): That’s what you asked for. Air Force NSB-100 C-Series. Where’s my money? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(A deal is made in the dark between two bad men by handing a suitcase to one another, with chilling music in the background)</p>
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(A deal is made in the dark between two bad men by handing a suitcase to one another, with chilling music in the background) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Seriously, how did we go from a kid being left at a house to weapons espionage? That’s a pretty big fucking leap!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Seriously, how did we go from a kid being left at a house to weapons espionage? That’s a pretty big fucking leap! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Beaupre (inside a car with the other spies): Here. (hands the chip to a female spy named Alice Ribbons) Hide it in the toy car. We’ll slip it right past airport security.</p>
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Beaupre (inside a car with the other spies): Here. (hands the chip to a female spy named Alice Ribbons) Hide it in the toy car. We’ll slip it right past airport security. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Oh, great. It’s because of bungholes like you that we have to take our shoes off at the checkpoint.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Oh, great. It’s because of bungholes like you that we have to take our shoes off at the checkpoint. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(brief cut of the three male spies and one female spy walking through the airport in a straight line)</p>
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(brief cut of the three male spies and one female spy walking through the airport in a straight line) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, the bag gets switched with some lady (Mrs. Hess), and the spies panic in order to find it.</p>
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NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, the bag gets switched with some lady (Mrs. Hess), and the spies panic in order to find it. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Ribbons sees Mrs. Hess getting into a taxi cab, which drives away)</p>
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(Ribbons sees Mrs. Hess getting into a taxi cab, which drives away) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Ribbons: She’s leaving. (the spies run up to the taxi, but are too late)</p>
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Ribbons: She’s leaving. (the spies run up to the taxi, but are too late) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So they get the number of the cab through their…Glove-cam…as they pin down the area where the woman was dropped off. And, seeing how it’s a John Hughes movie, my guess is it’s a Chicago suburb where everyone is rich, quirky and white. (a cut to such a neighborhood) Oh! What a shock!</p>
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NC (voiceover): So they get the number of the cab through their…Glove-cam…as they pin down the area where the woman was dropped off. And, seeing how it’s a John Hughes movie, my guess is it’s a Chicago suburb where everyone is rich, quirky and white. (a cut to such a neighborhood) Oh! What a shock! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex Pruit: All done, Mrs. Hess.</p>
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Alex Pruit: All done, Mrs. Hess. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mrs. Hess: You were supposed to deal with the snow promptly, weren’t you?</p>
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Mrs. Hess: You were supposed to deal with the snow promptly, weren’t you? |
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Alex: Yes, but- |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Yes, but-</p> |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mrs. Hess: Butts are for ashtrays. I don’t care for excuses. (the Wicked of the West theme music from “The Wizard of Oz” plays here) We had an understanding, and you broke it. Your word is worthless.</p>
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Mrs. Hess: Butts are for ashtrays. I don’t care for excuses. (the Wicked of the West theme music from “The Wizard of Oz” plays here) We had an understanding, and you broke it. Your word is worthless. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Sorry, there’ll be no charge, Mrs. Hess.</p>
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Alex: Sorry, there’ll be no charge, Mrs. Hess. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mrs. Hess: So you can tell the neighborhood I stiffed you on a snow removal job?</p>
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Mrs. Hess: So you can tell the neighborhood I stiffed you on a snow removal job? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: Sheesh, this woman is as compassionate as a punch to my ball sack.</p>
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NC: Sheesh, this woman is as compassionate as a punch to my ball sack. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mrs. Hess: (hands Alex the toy car she accidentally took at the airport) Consider this your payment. I have no use for that silly thing.</p>
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Mrs. Hess: (hands Alex the toy car she accidentally took at the airport) Consider this your payment. I have no use for that silly thing. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Thank you.</p> |
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Alex: Thank you. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Alex walking home through the neighborhood in the dark)</p> |
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(cut to Alex walking home through the neighborhood in the dark) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): This little boy is Alex. Not Kevin, Alex. He doesn’t even know Kevin. That’s because he’s not in this movie. None of the original characters are in this movie. This is because nothing about this movie has anything to do with “Home Alone”, despite that it carries the name “Home Alone.” Why does it carry the name “Home Alone”? BECAUSE IT’S A GODDAMN HORRIBLE MOVIE! So, it turns out Alex has the chicken pox, which means he has to stay home from school. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): This little boy is Alex. Not Kevin, Alex. He doesn’t even know Kevin. That’s because he’s not in this movie. None of the original characters are in this movie. This is because nothing about this movie has anything to do with “Home Alone”, despite that it carries the name “Home Alone.” Why does it carry the name “Home Alone”? BECAUSE IT’S A GODDAMN HORRIBLE MOVIE! So, it turns out Alex has the chicken pox, which means he has to stay home from school. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(brief cut of Alex’s sister Molly, played by Scarlett Johansson)</p> |
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(brief cut of Alex’s sister Molly, played by Scarlett Johansson) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Hey, look, Scarlett Johansson is his sister.</p> |
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NC (voiceover): Hey, look, Scarlett Johansson is his sister. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: I already made a “Lost in Translation” joke in “North”, so let’s move on. </p> |
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NC: I already made a “Lost in Translation” joke in “North”, so let’s move on. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): As Alex stays at home, he starts looking through a telescope in Mrs. Hess’s house with his pet rat Doris. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): As Alex stays at home, he starts looking through a telescope in Mrs. Hess’s house with his pet rat Doris. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Alex holds up the bag which Doris is riding in up to the telescope lens)</p> |
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(Alex holds up the bag which Doris is riding in up to the telescope lens) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Look, Doris.</p> |
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Alex: Look, Doris. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Doris looks through the lens but sees a cat’s face (coming from a TV screen), squeaks in fright and hides in the bag) </p> |
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(Doris looks through the lens but sees a cat’s face (coming from a TV screen), squeaks in fright and hides in the bag) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): You know, I’m actually trying to envision the great John Hughes writing scenes like that. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): You know, I’m actually trying to envision the great John Hughes writing scenes like that. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (dressed in a different suit and acting as John Hughes while typing on his laptop) “And then the mouse looks through the telescope and sees a cat. It’s just a cat on the TV screen, but nevertheless, he gets scared.” (laughs wholeheartedly) John Hughes, you’ve done it again. (laughs again) Where’s my whiskey? (takes a bottle of whiskey offscreen and gurgles it down) </p> |
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NC: (dressed in a different suit and acting as John Hughes while typing on his laptop) “And then the mouse looks through the telescope and sees a cat. It’s just a cat on the TV screen, but nevertheless, he gets scared.” (laughs wholeheartedly) John Hughes, you’ve done it again. (laughs again) Where’s my whiskey? (takes a bottle of whiskey offscreen and gurgles it down) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So, the spies rent a house on the street, as they know the old woman lives on the road, but they don’t know which house. And wouldn’t you know it? Both parents have to leave the house, as the father always goes on business trips, and the mother has to make a last-minute presentation at her job. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So, the spies rent a house on the street, as they know the old woman lives on the road, but they don’t know which house. And wouldn’t you know it? Both parents have to leave the house, as the father always goes on business trips, and the mother has to make a last-minute presentation at her job. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen (Alex’s mother): (to Alex) I’ll be gone an hour at the very most. I called Mrs. Hess and told her you’ll be alone. She said if anything comes up, she’ll be right over. </p> |
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Karen (Alex’s mother): (to Alex) I’ll be gone an hour at the very most. I called Mrs. Hess and told her you’ll be alone. She said if anything comes up, she’ll be right over. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute, why doesn’t she just have Mrs. Hess watch him? Your kid is sick and all alone! Who cares if she’s a bitch? She’s still a babysitter, you whore! Alright, well, despite that leap in stupidity, Alex continues to look through his telescope. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute, why doesn’t she just have Mrs. Hess watch him? Your kid is sick and all alone! Who cares if she’s a bitch? She’s still a babysitter, you whore! Alright, well, despite that leap in stupidity, Alex continues to look through his telescope. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Alex sees Ribbons walking a dog down the sidewalk, then one of the male spies jogging, then some middle-aged neighbor) </p> |
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(Alex sees Ribbons walking a dog down the sidewalk, then one of the male spies jogging, then some middle-aged neighbor) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So while looking through his telescope, he comes across the spies sneaking into one of the houses. Like a reasonably smart kid, he calls 911, but the spies escape before the cops could see them. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So while looking through his telescope, he comes across the spies sneaking into one of the houses. Like a reasonably smart kid, he calls 911, but the spies escape before the cops could see them. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(two cops break into the back door of a house and are armed; a dog enters in sight, and a cop aims his gun at it) </p> |
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(two cops break into the back door of a house and are armed; a dog enters in sight, and a cop aims his gun at it) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Cop #1: Freeze!</p> |
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Cop #1: Freeze! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(the dog freezes in place by crossing a foreleg in front of another; then a cut to black, and a gunshot is heard) </p> |
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(the dog freezes in place by crossing a foreleg in front of another; then a cut to black, and a gunshot is heard) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes”) Nah, nah, that’s too dark. (deletes the “scene” from his script) That’s too dark. That’s the old John Hughes. This is the quirky, lighthearted John Hughes! (sighs) Let’s see, let’s see…Oh! I know! (types on his laptop) “The dog actually'' freezes ''in place.” (laughs wholeheartedly) Delightful. (laughs again) Where’s my Epson (sp?)? </p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes”) Nah, nah, that’s too dark. (deletes the “scene” from his script) That’s too dark. That’s the old John Hughes. This is the quirky, lighthearted John Hughes! (sighs) Let’s see, let’s see…Oh! I know! (types on his laptop) “The dog actually'' freezes ''in place.” (laughs wholeheartedly) Delightful. (laughs again) Where’s my Epson (sp?)? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So both the mother and the cops think Alex made up what he saw and don’t look into it any further. But wouldn’t you know it? The spies break into another house the next day. Well, that’s OK, though, because we know the parents stayed home this ti- (cut to scenes of both parents leaving again!) Oh, you got to be kidding me. They left again?! What kind of parents are these? Do they leave their fucking medicine in the toy chest as well? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So both the mother and the cops think Alex made up what he saw and don’t look into it any further. But wouldn’t you know it? The spies break into another house the next day. Well, that’s OK, though, because we know the parents stayed home this ti- (cut to scenes of both parents leaving again!) Oh, you got to be kidding me. They left again?! What kind of parents are these? Do they leave their fucking medicine in the toy chest as well? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cops arrive in their squad cars again)</p> |
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(cops arrive in their squad cars again) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Ribbons: (communicates through a secret microphone, alerting the other spies) Abort! Abort! </p> |
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Ribbons: (communicates through a secret microphone, alerting the other spies) Abort! Abort! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So, once again, he calls the cops, the spies get away, and nobody believes him. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So, once again, he calls the cops, the spies get away, and nobody believes him. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: I saw a burglar yesterday, and I saw a burglar today.</p> |
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Alex: I saw a burglar yesterday, and I saw a burglar today. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Police Captain: There was no one in that house.</p> |
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Police Captain: There was no one in that house. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: But there was some…thing on the wing.</p> |
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NC: But there was some…thing on the wing. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So he figures it’s time to take matters into his own hands. (cut to Alex marking a map of the neighborhood he drew and crossing off the houses the spies have broken into so far) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So he figures it’s time to take matters into his own hands. (cut to Alex marking a map of the neighborhood he drew and crossing off the houses the spies have broken into so far) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: First, the Stephans, then Mrs. Hess. (Doris is standing on the map with her nose pointing to the Alcott’s house) I agree, Doris. The next stop is the Alcott’s house. What kind of a burglar goes into a house and doesn’t take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they’re looking for something special. They’re looking in everybody’s house ‘cause they don’t know who has it. </p> |
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Alex: First, the Stephans, then Mrs. Hess. (Doris is standing on the map with her nose pointing to the Alcott’s house) I agree, Doris. The next stop is the Alcott’s house. What kind of a burglar goes into a house and doesn’t take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they’re looking for something special. They’re looking in everybody’s house ‘cause they don’t know who has it. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (mimicking Alex while holding a cigar pipe) Yes, it appears we’ll be more than elementary at this matter. Doris, fetch me my violin. (pretends to play a sad song with a “violin”) </p> |
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NC: (mimicking Alex while holding a cigar pipe) Yes, it appears we’ll be more than elementary at this matter. Doris, fetch me my violin. (pretends to play a sad song with a “violin”) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So Alex gets a video camera and some duct tape as the parents leave him for the THIRD TIME! Alright, this is comical now. I mean, really comical. Remember what a big deal it was in the first film when they left him [Kevin] behind? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So Alex gets a video camera and some duct tape as the parents leave him for the THIRD TIME! Alright, this is comical now. I mean, really comical. Remember what a big deal it was in the first film when they left him [Kevin] behind? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Kate McCallister (from “Home Alone 1”): How we could do this? We forgot him. </p> |
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Kate McCallister (from “Home Alone 1”): How we could do this? We forgot him. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Uncle Frank (from “Home Alone 1”): Just horrible.</p> |
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Uncle Frank (from “Home Alone 1”): Just horrible. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Kate (“Home Alone 1”): What kind of mother am I?</p> |
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Kate (“Home Alone 1”): What kind of mother am I? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): And now, it’s like (mocking Karen in “Home Alone 3”) “Have fun while I’m gone, son! Be sure to stay away from the rat poison I keep under your pillow!” (normal voice) So with a video camera, duct tape and a few wires, Alex manages to get…his own wireless security network. The five-year-old now has a portable wireless security network! The realism in this movie just FUCKING astounds me! (a clip of Alex controlling his toy car with a camera strapped to it) So he sneaks his camera into the next house the spies are looking through. Yeah, thank God none of the houses have babies, toddlers or stay-at-home parents. Sort of lucked out on that front. But one of the spies finds the car as Alex tries to think up a plan to distract them. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): And now, it’s like (mocking Karen in “Home Alone 3”) “Have fun while I’m gone, son! Be sure to stay away from the rat poison I keep under your pillow!” (normal voice) So with a video camera, duct tape and a few wires, Alex manages to get…his own wireless security network. The five-year-old now has a portable wireless security network! The realism in this movie just FUCKING astounds me! (a clip of Alex controlling his toy car with a camera strapped to it) So he sneaks his camera into the next house the spies are looking through. Yeah, thank God none of the houses have babies, toddlers or stay-at-home parents. Sort of lucked out on that front. But one of the spies finds the car as Alex tries to think up a plan to distract them. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Alex holds up a phone up to his pet parrot, and its voice is transferred into the answering machine that’s inside the house the spies are in) </p> |
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(Alex holds up a phone up to his pet parrot, and its voice is transferred into the answering machine that’s inside the house the spies are in) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Parrot: Ring! Ring! Hello? This is Karen. Hi! How’s it going? I-I think burps are overvalued. </p> |
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Parrot: Ring! Ring! Hello? This is Karen. Hi! How’s it going? I-I think burps are overvalued. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes” typing on his laptop) And then…(tries to control his laughter)…he trains the parrot…(holds in his laughter)…he trains the parrot to record a fake message on the answering machine! (laughs again and smokes a joint and exhales loudly) </p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes” typing on his laptop) And then…(tries to control his laughter)…he trains the parrot…(holds in his laughter)…he trains the parrot to record a fake message on the answering machine! (laughs again and smokes a joint and exhales loudly) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): But that plan seems to backfire as the spies get the car and examine the video recorder on top. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): But that plan seems to backfire as the spies get the car and examine the video recorder on top. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Unger (male spy in black): It’s a camera. Someone’s onto us!</p> |
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Unger (male spy in black): It’s a camera. Someone’s onto us! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): (dubbing for Unger) Wait…now…now just hear me out. What if it’s a five-year-old boy who wired a security system in his own house… (dubs for Jernigan) Oh, come on, that’s something John Hughes would come up with if he was on Quayluds (sp?) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (dubbing for Unger) Wait…now…now just hear me out. What if it’s a five-year-old boy who wired a security system in his own house… (dubs for Jernigan) Oh, come on, that’s something John Hughes would come up with if he was on Quayluds (sp?) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes”) Did I really just write that? (deletes the “dialogue” and reaches for something offscreen) Where’s my Quayluds (sp?)? </p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes”) Did I really just write that? (deletes the “dialogue” and reaches for something offscreen) Where’s my Quayluds (sp?)? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So even though they get the tape, Alex drives the car away with the chip inside. They partake in a little chase, we have ourselves a little slapstick, yuck yuck, as Alex discovers the chip inside the car. Again, to his credit, he reports it to a member of the military, and even though they don’t believe him, he gives them the number on the chip. But the bad guys find out where Alex lives as…now, prepare yourselves…the parents leave again! I don’t even care anymore. If you want your kid to be Milk Carton of the Week, that’s your problem. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So even though they get the tape, Alex drives the car away with the chip inside. They partake in a little chase, we have ourselves a little slapstick, yuck yuck, as Alex discovers the chip inside the car. Again, to his credit, he reports it to a member of the military, and even though they don’t believe him, he gives them the number on the chip. But the bad guys find out where Alex lives as…now, prepare yourselves…the parents leave again! I don’t even care anymore. If you want your kid to be Milk Carton of the Week, that’s your problem. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Mrs. Hess answering the phone at her home)</p> |
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(cut to Mrs. Hess answering the phone at her home) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mrs. Hess: Hello?</p> |
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Mrs. Hess: Hello? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): This time, however, they do ask Mrs. Hess to watch him, but only AFTER they left, which is pretty damn stupid, especially how the bad guys find her and tape her to a chair. Parents of the Year, or morons? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): This time, however, they do ask Mrs. Hess to watch him, but only AFTER they left, which is pretty damn stupid, especially how the bad guys find her and tape her to a chair. Parents of the Year, or morons? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (thinks for a few moments) Morons.</p> |
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NC: (thinks for a few moments) Morons. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So, of course, it’s up to our freaking boy genius to save the day. First, he tries to trick the woman by controlling the dog with a dog whistle. He doesn’t have a dog, but he has a dog whistle. Uh-huh. I’m sure he buys cat food for fun, too. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So, of course, it’s up to our freaking boy genius to save the day. First, he tries to trick the woman by controlling the dog with a dog whistle. He doesn’t have a dog, but he has a dog whistle. Uh-huh. I’m sure he buys cat food for fun, too. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Ribbons: (speaks into a secret microphone while standing in front of Alex’s house) I repeat, there is no movement inside. (the dog has wrapped around its leash around the spy’s legs) Permission to enter. (Alex is hidden from view outside the entrance as he blows his dog whistle again; the dog hears it and runs to it, dragging Ribbons through some bushes, and she ends up on the driveway as the dog runs away; during all this, the Looney Tunes theme music is playing) </p> |
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Ribbons: (speaks into a secret microphone while standing in front of Alex’s house) I repeat, there is no movement inside. (the dog has wrapped around its leash around the spy’s legs) Permission to enter. (Alex is hidden from view outside the entrance as he blows his dog whistle again; the dog hears it and runs to it, dragging Ribbons through some bushes, and she ends up on the driveway as the dog runs away; during all this, the Looney Tunes theme music is playing) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): The other spies try to get through the back, but of course, he has traps for them, too. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): The other spies try to get through the back, but of course, he has traps for them, too. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Cut to Jernigan dressed in white winter gear trying to cut a wire and ends up getting electrocuted in a cartoony way, in addition to farting out electric sparks) </p> |
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(Cut to Jernigan dressed in white winter gear trying to cut a wire and ends up getting electrocuted in a cartoony way, in addition to farting out electric sparks) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(A clip from “Rocky” is shown)</p> |
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(A clip from “Rocky” is shown) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Mickey: You’re gonna eat lightning, and you’re gonna crap thunder!</p> |
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Mickey: You’re gonna eat lightning, and you’re gonna crap thunder! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Back to the movie, with Jernigan groaning in pain after farting out the sparks) </p> |
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(Back to the movie, with Jernigan groaning in pain after farting out the sparks) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Actually, that’s the second John Hughes farting joke I’ve seen in a week. The other one being in “Flubber.” Why is he all about the strange things coming out of people’s butts? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Actually, that’s the second John Hughes farting joke I’ve seen in a week. The other one being in “Flubber.” Why is he all about the strange things coming out of people’s butts? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Unger: I-I just think we’re just having an off-day. (The spies walk up to the door as a device inside the house is set off, catapulting a bookcase from the attic window and landing on the two male spies; after this happens, a clip of the Looney Tunes Road Runner runs past this scene and goes “Meep-Meep!”) </p> |
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Unger: I-I just think we’re just having an off-day. (The spies walk up to the door as a device inside the house is set off, catapulting a bookcase from the attic window and landing on the two male spies; after this happens, a clip of the Looney Tunes Road Runner runs past this scene and goes “Meep-Meep!”) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Jernigan: Unger? (a fishhook hooks onto the spy’s jacket, and the hook is attached to a string that turns on the outdoor water faucet, which sprays onto him) </p> |
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Jernigan: Unger? (a fishhook hooks onto the spy’s jacket, and the hook is attached to a string that turns on the outdoor water faucet, which sprays onto him) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): (dubs for Jernigan, who tries to shut off the faucet) Oh, no! It’s not like I can just walk away from the water! That will coincide with my phobia of not walking away from the water! Oh, damn my extremely odd and unbelievably rare neuroses! (normal voice) So, yeah, we get the traps just like in the other two movies, but these traps are, like, really freaking precise, like he has to know EXACTLY what spot they’re gonna be on and not be a centimeter off. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (dubs for Jernigan, who tries to shut off the faucet) Oh, no! It’s not like I can just walk away from the water! That will coincide with my phobia of not walking away from the water! Oh, damn my extremely odd and unbelievably rare neuroses! (normal voice) So, yeah, we get the traps just like in the other two movies, but these traps are, like, really freaking precise, like he has to know EXACTLY what spot they’re gonna be on and not be a centimeter off. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Alex gasping at the sight of Jernigan entering the house through a window) </p> |
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(cut to Alex gasping at the sight of Jernigan entering the house through a window) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Jernigan: Gotcha!</p> |
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Jernigan: Gotcha! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): (Jernigan falls through several floors and onto a toilet as NC speaks) And look at this: he [Alex] cuts holes in the house! How the hell did he do that? Did he call Ace Hardware to set these up? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (Jernigan falls through several floors and onto a toilet as NC speaks) And look at this: he [Alex] cuts holes in the house! How the hell did he do that? Did he call Ace Hardware to set these up? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Ouch!</p> |
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Alex: Ouch! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (Voiceover): Watch this scene. It’s not even funny. It’s like something out of a horror movie. </p> |
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NC (Voiceover): Watch this scene. It’s not even funny. It’s like something out of a horror movie. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(An active lawnmower reaches over the edge of the hole and falls through, landing on Jernigan, who screams in pain) </p> |
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(An active lawnmower reaches over the edge of the hole and falls through, landing on Jernigan, who screams in pain) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: ….Jesus.</p> |
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NC: ….Jesus. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): And, of course, we have pratfall after pratfall after pratfall. (A scene of Jernigan falling down the basement steps while his feet are stuck in Mega Block toy tubs filled with cement) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): And, of course, we have pratfall after pratfall after pratfall. (A scene of Jernigan falling down the basement steps while his feet are stuck in Mega Block toy tubs filled with cement) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Animated Cat (from a “Mouse Trap” commercial): (sings while intercutting with the slapstick footage in the movie) Just turn the crank and snap the plank, and knock the ball right down the chute, now watch it roll and hit the bowl. You knock the ball into the rub-a-dub tub, which hits the man into the pan, the trap is set, here comes the net! Mouse Trap! I guarantee it’s the craziest trap you’ll ever see! </p> |
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Animated Cat (from a “Mouse Trap” commercial): (sings while intercutting with the slapstick footage in the movie) Just turn the crank and snap the plank, and knock the ball right down the chute, now watch it roll and hit the bowl. You knock the ball into the rub-a-dub tub, which hits the man into the pan, the trap is set, here comes the net! Mouse Trap! I guarantee it’s the craziest trap you’ll ever see! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Believe it or not, the mother calls in the middle of all this, and Alex says that everything is fine! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Believe it or not, the mother calls in the middle of all this, and Alex says that everything is fine! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(Unger listens in on the conversation)</p> |
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(Unger listens in on the conversation) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen: Honey, you’re out of breath. Is something wrong? Alex: No, mom, everything is fine. </p> |
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Karen: Honey, you’re out of breath. Is something wrong? Alex: No, mom, everything is fine. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, just finding four terrorists and fleeing for my life, but don’t worry. You have deadlines to meet! (cut to footage of police cars driving through a blizzard) But it turns out the number on the chip got to higher authorities as they pull Alex’s mother and his siblings aside for questioning. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, just finding four terrorists and fleeing for my life, but don’t worry. You have deadlines to meet! (cut to footage of police cars driving through a blizzard) But it turns out the number on the chip got to higher authorities as they pull Alex’s mother and his siblings aside for questioning. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen: It’s Alex. This is my other son. Why, what’s happened?</p> |
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Karen: It’s Alex. This is my other son. Why, what’s happened? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Military Official: He may be in danger.</p> |
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Military Official: He may be in danger. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): (dubs over Karen) Maybe I shouldn’t have left him alone 18 times. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (dubs over Karen) Maybe I shouldn’t have left him alone 18 times. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen: He’s not here. He’s at home.</p> |
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Karen: He’s not here. He’s at home. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Military official: Let’s move!</p> |
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Military official: Let’s move! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen: Why is he in danger?</p> |
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Karen: Why is he in danger? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Military official: We think he intercepted a top-secret electronic device stolen from a defense department contractor by a group of international criminals working for a North Korean terrorist organization. (the siblings look dumbfounded) </p> |
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Military official: We think he intercepted a top-secret electronic device stolen from a defense department contractor by a group of international criminals working for a North Korean terrorist organization. (the siblings look dumbfounded) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes” gurgles down his whiskey bottle and presses a button on his laptop) Period. </p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes” gurgles down his whiskey bottle and presses a button on his laptop) Period. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the mayhem continues at home. (Jernigan and Ribbons spot Alex and run up to him, but end up colliding into each other) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the mayhem continues at home. (Jernigan and Ribbons spot Alex and run up to him, but end up colliding into each other) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): Say, you ever notice that these secret agents suck?</p> |
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NC (voiceover): Say, you ever notice that these secret agents suck? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Alex standing outside with the missile chip, and all three spies standing at the attic window high above a snow-covered trampoline) </p> |
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(cut to Alex standing outside with the missile chip, and all three spies standing at the attic window high above a snow-covered trampoline) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Alex: Recognize this?</p> |
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Alex: Recognize this? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Unger: How did he get outside?</p> |
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Unger: How did he get outside? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Ribbons: The same way you’re gonna get outside.</p> |
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Ribbons: The same way you’re gonna get outside. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Jernigan: How?</p> |
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Jernigan: How? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (laughs) Is it me, or did he turn into Christopher Walken there?</p> |
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NC: (laughs) Is it me, or did he turn into Christopher Walken there? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Jernigan: How?</p> |
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Jernigan: How? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Christopher Walken: (looking into the camera) I don’t…know.</p> |
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Christopher Walken: (looking into the camera) I don’t…know. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So without giving too much away…oh, who the fuck cares?...they scream and get hurt! Surprised?! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So without giving too much away…oh, who the fuck cares?...they scream and get hurt! Surprised?! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Jernigan and Unger falling through the trampoline after jumping out the window) </p> |
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(cut to Jernigan and Unger falling through the trampoline after jumping out the window) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">So, he [Alex] frees Mrs. Hess as the cops finally arrive and take the spies away. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So, he [Alex] frees Mrs. Hess as the cops finally arrive and take the spies away. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(cut to Alex and his mother running up to hug each other)</p> |
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(cut to Alex and his mother running up to hug each other) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Karen: Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry.</p> |
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Karen: Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: Oh, for what? Every possible thing a parent can do wrong?</p> |
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NC: Oh, for what? Every possible thing a parent can do wrong? |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Military Official: Seven years, I’ve been after this guy [Beaupre]. He always manages to slip away. </p> |
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Military Official: Seven years, I’ve been after this guy [Beaupre]. He always manages to slip away. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): (dubs for Military Official) And now a five-year-old catches him. This is the worst day of my life. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (dubs for Military Official) And now a five-year-old catches him. This is the worst day of my life. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Military Official: Thanks.</p> |
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Military Official: Thanks. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): But wait a minute! There’s still one more spy on the loose! But it’s OK; a parrot operating a toy car, lighting a match and setting off a series of explosions has it totally under control. Doctor Fucking Doolittle couldn’t get an animal to do all that! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): But wait a minute! There’s still one more spy on the loose! But it’s OK; a parrot operating a toy car, lighting a match and setting off a series of explosions has it totally under control. Doctor Fucking Doolittle couldn’t get an animal to do all that! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">(a shot of a kiddie pool flies in the air as the explosions occur)</p> |
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(a shot of a kiddie pool flies in the air as the explosions occur) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC (voiceover): So, after all is said and done, what does the film finally end on? The father giving his son a race car as a gift! Oh, the irony! Oh, the irony. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So, after all is said and done, what does the film finally end on? The father giving his son a race car as a gift! Oh, the irony! Oh, the irony. |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Parrot: (riding on the red toy car with Doris) Gentlemen, start your engines! (everybody in the room laughs at this) Man overboard! </p> |
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Parrot: (riding on the red toy car with Doris) Gentlemen, start your engines! (everybody in the room laughs at this) Man overboard! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes” finishes his script) There! I did it! I finally did it! I wrote the worst “Home Alone” script ever! (laughs) I know I’m contractually obligated to write at least one more movie, but this script is so bad, no studio would ever buy it! (laughs again) What are they gonna do? Hire the director of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” to direct it? (laughs again) No studio is that stupid! (laughs again) John Hughes, you’re a genius! (picks up his laptop and walks offscreen) </p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes” finishes his script) There! I did it! I finally did it! I wrote the worst “Home Alone” script ever! (laughs) I know I’m contractually obligated to write at least one more movie, but this script is so bad, no studio would ever buy it! (laughs again) What are they gonna do? Hire the director of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” to direct it? (laughs again) No studio is that stupid! (laughs again) John Hughes, you’re a genius! (picks up his laptop and walks offscreen) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Studio executive: (voiced by NC offscreen) We’ll take it! (“Ka-ching!” sound effect) </p> |
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Studio executive: (voiced by NC offscreen) We’ll take it! (“Ka-ching!” sound effect) |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">NC: (“John Hughes”) My career is over!</p> |
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NC: (“John Hughes”) My career is over! |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">The End</p> |
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The End |
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<p style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto">Channel Awesome Tagline-Jernigan: How?</p> |
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Channel Awesome Tagline-Jernigan: How? |
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{{NCscripts}} |
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{{NCscripts}} |
Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes.
(images of John Hughes and posters of his various filmography are shown)
NC (voiceover): He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like “The Breakfast Club,” “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and so forth. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the “National Lampoon Vacation” movies, “Home Alone”, “Pretty in Pink” and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation….then “Home Alone 2” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “Baby’s Day Out” came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then “101 Dalmatians”, “Flubber”, “Just Visiting”, “Dennis the Menace”, that shitty-ass “Miracle on 34th Street” remake.
NC: ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like the voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit…. Or “slapshit” as I like to call it. But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as “Home Alone 3”.
(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): This is a film where even if you saw the previews you felt dirty. How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low?
NC: Well…(sighs)…let’s see if we can figure it out. This is “Home Alone 3.”
NC (voiceover): So, the movie starts with the typical “Home Alone” music, followed by the typical “Home Alone” credits, taking place in the typical “Home Alone” setting: HONG KONG! Literally, the first minute completely misses the idea of the franchise!
Mob Boss: $10 million for the missile chip.
Mob Boss #2: Sounds like your clients want to build a missile that can’t be detected by radar.
Mob Boss #3: Whoever possesses the chip could dominate the entire region. NC (voiceover): What is this? “Die Hard 5”? What does this have to do with “Home Alone”?
Beaupre (leader of the spies): That’s what you asked for. Air Force NSB-100 C-Series. Where’s my money?
(A deal is made in the dark between two bad men by handing a suitcase to one another, with chilling music in the background)
NC (voiceover): Seriously, how did we go from a kid being left at a house to weapons espionage? That’s a pretty big fucking leap!
Beaupre (inside a car with the other spies): Here. (hands the chip to a female spy named Alice Ribbons) Hide it in the toy car. We’ll slip it right past airport security.
NC (voiceover): Oh, great. It’s because of bungholes like you that we have to take our shoes off at the checkpoint.
(brief cut of the three male spies and one female spy walking through the airport in a straight line)
NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, the bag gets switched with some lady (Mrs. Hess), and the spies panic in order to find it.
(Ribbons sees Mrs. Hess getting into a taxi cab, which drives away)
Ribbons: She’s leaving. (the spies run up to the taxi, but are too late)
NC (voiceover): So they get the number of the cab through their…Glove-cam…as they pin down the area where the woman was dropped off. And, seeing how it’s a John Hughes movie, my guess is it’s a Chicago suburb where everyone is rich, quirky and white. (a cut to such a neighborhood) Oh! What a shock!
Alex Pruit: All done, Mrs. Hess.
Mrs. Hess: You were supposed to deal with the snow promptly, weren’t you?
Alex: Yes, but-
Mrs. Hess: Butts are for ashtrays. I don’t care for excuses. (the Wicked of the West theme music from “The Wizard of Oz” plays here) We had an understanding, and you broke it. Your word is worthless.
Alex: Sorry, there’ll be no charge, Mrs. Hess.
Mrs. Hess: So you can tell the neighborhood I stiffed you on a snow removal job?
NC: Sheesh, this woman is as compassionate as a punch to my ball sack.
Mrs. Hess: (hands Alex the toy car she accidentally took at the airport) Consider this your payment. I have no use for that silly thing.
Alex: Thank you.
(cut to Alex walking home through the neighborhood in the dark)
NC (voiceover): This little boy is Alex. Not Kevin, Alex. He doesn’t even know Kevin. That’s because he’s not in this movie. None of the original characters are in this movie. This is because nothing about this movie has anything to do with “Home Alone”, despite that it carries the name “Home Alone.” Why does it carry the name “Home Alone”? BECAUSE IT’S A GODDAMN HORRIBLE MOVIE! So, it turns out Alex has the chicken pox, which means he has to stay home from school.
(brief cut of Alex’s sister Molly, played by Scarlett Johansson)
NC (voiceover): Hey, look, Scarlett Johansson is his sister.
NC: I already made a “Lost in Translation” joke in “North”, so let’s move on.
NC (voiceover): As Alex stays at home, he starts looking through a telescope in Mrs. Hess’s house with his pet rat Doris.
(Alex holds up the bag which Doris is riding in up to the telescope lens)
Alex: Look, Doris.
(Doris looks through the lens but sees a cat’s face (coming from a TV screen), squeaks in fright and hides in the bag)
NC (voiceover): You know, I’m actually trying to envision the great John Hughes writing scenes like that.
NC: (dressed in a different suit and acting as John Hughes while typing on his laptop) “And then the mouse looks through the telescope and sees a cat. It’s just a cat on the TV screen, but nevertheless, he gets scared.” (laughs wholeheartedly) John Hughes, you’ve done it again. (laughs again) Where’s my whiskey? (takes a bottle of whiskey offscreen and gurgles it down)
NC (voiceover): So, the spies rent a house on the street, as they know the old woman lives on the road, but they don’t know which house. And wouldn’t you know it? Both parents have to leave the house, as the father always goes on business trips, and the mother has to make a last-minute presentation at her job.
Karen (Alex’s mother): (to Alex) I’ll be gone an hour at the very most. I called Mrs. Hess and told her you’ll be alone. She said if anything comes up, she’ll be right over.
NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute, why doesn’t she just have Mrs. Hess watch him? Your kid is sick and all alone! Who cares if she’s a bitch? She’s still a babysitter, you whore! Alright, well, despite that leap in stupidity, Alex continues to look through his telescope.
(Alex sees Ribbons walking a dog down the sidewalk, then one of the male spies jogging, then some middle-aged neighbor)
NC (voiceover): So while looking through his telescope, he comes across the spies sneaking into one of the houses. Like a reasonably smart kid, he calls 911, but the spies escape before the cops could see them.
(two cops break into the back door of a house and are armed; a dog enters in sight, and a cop aims his gun at it)
Cop #1: Freeze!
(the dog freezes in place by crossing a foreleg in front of another; then a cut to black, and a gunshot is heard)
NC: (“John Hughes”) Nah, nah, that’s too dark. (deletes the “scene” from his script) That’s too dark. That’s the old John Hughes. This is the quirky, lighthearted John Hughes! (sighs) Let’s see, let’s see…Oh! I know! (types on his laptop) “The dog actually freezes in place.” (laughs wholeheartedly) Delightful. (laughs again) Where’s my Epson (sp?)?
NC (voiceover): So both the mother and the cops think Alex made up what he saw and don’t look into it any further. But wouldn’t you know it? The spies break into another house the next day. Well, that’s OK, though, because we know the parents stayed home this ti- (cut to scenes of both parents leaving again!) Oh, you got to be kidding me. They left again?! What kind of parents are these? Do they leave their fucking medicine in the toy chest as well?
(cops arrive in their squad cars again)
Ribbons: (communicates through a secret microphone, alerting the other spies) Abort! Abort!
NC (voiceover): So, once again, he calls the cops, the spies get away, and nobody believes him.
Alex: I saw a burglar yesterday, and I saw a burglar today.
Police Captain: There was no one in that house.
NC: But there was some…thing on the wing.
NC (voiceover): So he figures it’s time to take matters into his own hands. (cut to Alex marking a map of the neighborhood he drew and crossing off the houses the spies have broken into so far)
Alex: First, the Stephans, then Mrs. Hess. (Doris is standing on the map with her nose pointing to the Alcott’s house) I agree, Doris. The next stop is the Alcott’s house. What kind of a burglar goes into a house and doesn’t take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they’re looking for something special. They’re looking in everybody’s house ‘cause they don’t know who has it.
NC: (mimicking Alex while holding a cigar pipe) Yes, it appears we’ll be more than elementary at this matter. Doris, fetch me my violin. (pretends to play a sad song with a “violin”)
NC (voiceover): So Alex gets a video camera and some duct tape as the parents leave him for the THIRD TIME! Alright, this is comical now. I mean, really comical. Remember what a big deal it was in the first film when they left him [Kevin] behind?
Kate McCallister (from “Home Alone 1”): How we could do this? We forgot him.
Uncle Frank (from “Home Alone 1”): Just horrible.
Kate (“Home Alone 1”): What kind of mother am I?
NC (voiceover): And now, it’s like (mocking Karen in “Home Alone 3”) “Have fun while I’m gone, son! Be sure to stay away from the rat poison I keep under your pillow!” (normal voice) So with a video camera, duct tape and a few wires, Alex manages to get…his own wireless security network. The five-year-old now has a portable wireless security network! The realism in this movie just FUCKING astounds me! (a clip of Alex controlling his toy car with a camera strapped to it) So he sneaks his camera into the next house the spies are looking through. Yeah, thank God none of the houses have babies, toddlers or stay-at-home parents. Sort of lucked out on that front. But one of the spies finds the car as Alex tries to think up a plan to distract them.
(Alex holds up a phone up to his pet parrot, and its voice is transferred into the answering machine that’s inside the house the spies are in)
Parrot: Ring! Ring! Hello? This is Karen. Hi! How’s it going? I-I think burps are overvalued.
NC: (“John Hughes” typing on his laptop) And then…(tries to control his laughter)…he trains the parrot…(holds in his laughter)…he trains the parrot to record a fake message on the answering machine! (laughs again and smokes a joint and exhales loudly)
NC (voiceover): But that plan seems to backfire as the spies get the car and examine the video recorder on top.
Unger (male spy in black): It’s a camera. Someone’s onto us!
NC (voiceover): (dubbing for Unger) Wait…now…now just hear me out. What if it’s a five-year-old boy who wired a security system in his own house… (dubs for Jernigan) Oh, come on, that’s something John Hughes would come up with if he was on Quayluds (sp?)
NC: (“John Hughes”) Did I really just write that? (deletes the “dialogue” and reaches for something offscreen) Where’s my Quayluds (sp?)?
NC (voiceover): So even though they get the tape, Alex drives the car away with the chip inside. They partake in a little chase, we have ourselves a little slapstick, yuck yuck, as Alex discovers the chip inside the car. Again, to his credit, he reports it to a member of the military, and even though they don’t believe him, he gives them the number on the chip. But the bad guys find out where Alex lives as…now, prepare yourselves…the parents leave again! I don’t even care anymore. If you want your kid to be Milk Carton of the Week, that’s your problem.
(cut to Mrs. Hess answering the phone at her home)
Mrs. Hess: Hello?
NC (voiceover): This time, however, they do ask Mrs. Hess to watch him, but only AFTER they left, which is pretty damn stupid, especially how the bad guys find her and tape her to a chair. Parents of the Year, or morons?
NC: (thinks for a few moments) Morons.
NC (voiceover): So, of course, it’s up to our freaking boy genius to save the day. First, he tries to trick the woman by controlling the dog with a dog whistle. He doesn’t have a dog, but he has a dog whistle. Uh-huh. I’m sure he buys cat food for fun, too.
Ribbons: (speaks into a secret microphone while standing in front of Alex’s house) I repeat, there is no movement inside. (the dog has wrapped around its leash around the spy’s legs) Permission to enter. (Alex is hidden from view outside the entrance as he blows his dog whistle again; the dog hears it and runs to it, dragging Ribbons through some bushes, and she ends up on the driveway as the dog runs away; during all this, the Looney Tunes theme music is playing)
NC (voiceover): The other spies try to get through the back, but of course, he has traps for them, too.
(Cut to Jernigan dressed in white winter gear trying to cut a wire and ends up getting electrocuted in a cartoony way, in addition to farting out electric sparks)
(A clip from “Rocky” is shown)
Mickey: You’re gonna eat lightning, and you’re gonna crap thunder!
(Back to the movie, with Jernigan groaning in pain after farting out the sparks)
NC (voiceover): Actually, that’s the second John Hughes farting joke I’ve seen in a week. The other one being in “Flubber.” Why is he all about the strange things coming out of people’s butts?
Unger: I-I just think we’re just having an off-day. (The spies walk up to the door as a device inside the house is set off, catapulting a bookcase from the attic window and landing on the two male spies; after this happens, a clip of the Looney Tunes Road Runner runs past this scene and goes “Meep-Meep!”)
Jernigan: Unger? (a fishhook hooks onto the spy’s jacket, and the hook is attached to a string that turns on the outdoor water faucet, which sprays onto him)
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Jernigan, who tries to shut off the faucet) Oh, no! It’s not like I can just walk away from the water! That will coincide with my phobia of not walking away from the water! Oh, damn my extremely odd and unbelievably rare neuroses! (normal voice) So, yeah, we get the traps just like in the other two movies, but these traps are, like, really freaking precise, like he has to know EXACTLY what spot they’re gonna be on and not be a centimeter off.
(cut to Alex gasping at the sight of Jernigan entering the house through a window)
Jernigan: Gotcha!
NC (voiceover): (Jernigan falls through several floors and onto a toilet as NC speaks) And look at this: he [Alex] cuts holes in the house! How the hell did he do that? Did he call Ace Hardware to set these up?
Alex: Ouch!
NC (Voiceover): Watch this scene. It’s not even funny. It’s like something out of a horror movie.
(An active lawnmower reaches over the edge of the hole and falls through, landing on Jernigan, who screams in pain)
NC: ….Jesus.
NC (voiceover): And, of course, we have pratfall after pratfall after pratfall. (A scene of Jernigan falling down the basement steps while his feet are stuck in Mega Block toy tubs filled with cement)
Animated Cat (from a “Mouse Trap” commercial): (sings while intercutting with the slapstick footage in the movie) Just turn the crank and snap the plank, and knock the ball right down the chute, now watch it roll and hit the bowl. You knock the ball into the rub-a-dub tub, which hits the man into the pan, the trap is set, here comes the net! Mouse Trap! I guarantee it’s the craziest trap you’ll ever see!
NC (voiceover): Believe it or not, the mother calls in the middle of all this, and Alex says that everything is fine!
(Unger listens in on the conversation)
Karen: Honey, you’re out of breath. Is something wrong? Alex: No, mom, everything is fine.
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, just finding four terrorists and fleeing for my life, but don’t worry. You have deadlines to meet! (cut to footage of police cars driving through a blizzard) But it turns out the number on the chip got to higher authorities as they pull Alex’s mother and his siblings aside for questioning.
Karen: It’s Alex. This is my other son. Why, what’s happened?
Military Official: He may be in danger.
NC (voiceover): (dubs over Karen) Maybe I shouldn’t have left him alone 18 times.
Karen: He’s not here. He’s at home.
Military official: Let’s move!
Karen: Why is he in danger?
Military official: We think he intercepted a top-secret electronic device stolen from a defense department contractor by a group of international criminals working for a North Korean terrorist organization. (the siblings look dumbfounded)
NC: (“John Hughes” gurgles down his whiskey bottle and presses a button on his laptop) Period.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the mayhem continues at home. (Jernigan and Ribbons spot Alex and run up to him, but end up colliding into each other)
NC (voiceover): Say, you ever notice that these secret agents suck?
(cut to Alex standing outside with the missile chip, and all three spies standing at the attic window high above a snow-covered trampoline)
Alex: Recognize this?
Unger: How did he get outside?
Ribbons: The same way you’re gonna get outside.
Jernigan: How?
NC: (laughs) Is it me, or did he turn into Christopher Walken there?
Jernigan: How?
Christopher Walken: (looking into the camera) I don’t…know.
NC (voiceover): So without giving too much away…oh, who the fuck cares?...they scream and get hurt! Surprised?!
(cut to Jernigan and Unger falling through the trampoline after jumping out the window)
NC (voiceover): So, he [Alex] frees Mrs. Hess as the cops finally arrive and take the spies away.
(cut to Alex and his mother running up to hug each other)
Karen: Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry.
NC: Oh, for what? Every possible thing a parent can do wrong?
Military Official: Seven years, I’ve been after this guy [Beaupre]. He always manages to slip away.
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Military Official) And now a five-year-old catches him. This is the worst day of my life.
Military Official: Thanks.
NC (voiceover): But wait a minute! There’s still one more spy on the loose! But it’s OK; a parrot operating a toy car, lighting a match and setting off a series of explosions has it totally under control. Doctor Fucking Doolittle couldn’t get an animal to do all that!
(a shot of a kiddie pool flies in the air as the explosions occur)
NC (voiceover): So, after all is said and done, what does the film finally end on? The father giving his son a race car as a gift! Oh, the irony! Oh, the irony.
Parrot: (riding on the red toy car with Doris) Gentlemen, start your engines! (everybody in the room laughs at this) Man overboard!
NC: (“John Hughes” finishes his script) There! I did it! I finally did it! I wrote the worst “Home Alone” script ever! (laughs) I know I’m contractually obligated to write at least one more movie, but this script is so bad, no studio would ever buy it! (laughs again) What are they gonna do? Hire the director of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” to direct it? (laughs again) No studio is that stupid! (laughs again) John Hughes, you’re a genius! (picks up his laptop and walks offscreen)
Studio executive: (voiced by NC offscreen) We’ll take it! (“Ka-ching!” sound effect)
NC: (“John Hughes”) My career is over!
The End
Channel Awesome Tagline-Jernigan: How?
The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
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2008:
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Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
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2009:
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Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
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2010:
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Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
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2011:
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NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
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2012:
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Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · The Top 11 Best Nostalgia Critic Episodes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes
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2013:
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The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
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2014:
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Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
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2015:
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The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
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2016:
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The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats and Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
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2017:
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Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Cats Don't Dance · Hulk (2003) · Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory · Monkeybone · G.I. Joe: The Movie · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · DuckTales (2017) · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · A Goofy Movie · Green Lantern · Scary Godmother · It (2017) · Halloween (2007) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · Bangarang · War of the Commercials · Super Mario Bros.: The Anime · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · A Muppet Family Christmas · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
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2018:
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Mars Attacks! · Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Horton Hears a Who · Batman Forever · Freakazoid · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Maleficent · Alice Through the Looking Glass · The Jungle Book (2016) · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Woody Woodpecker · Jack and Jill · An American Tail: Fievel Goes West · Starship Troopers · The Emoji Movie · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Boss Baby · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · Chicken Little · The Angry Birds Movie · Do the Bartman · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Bartok the Magnificent · Mission: Impossible 2 · Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie · Doom · Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Ghostbusters 2 · Old vs. New: Teen Titans vs. Teen Titans Go · Freddy Got Fingered · Big Fat Liar · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Grading Cartoon Show Intros · Sleepwalkers · Top 11 Stephen King Movies · Van Helsing · Rubber · The Powerpuff Girls Movie · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · A Wrinkle in Time · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Search for Santa Paws · The Most HATED Nutcracker Movie Ever Made · Elf Bowling: The Movie
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2019:
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Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · Donnie Darko · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X2: X-Men United · X-Men: The Last Stand · X-Men Origins: Wolverine · Best F(r)iends · Tom and Jerry and the Wizard of Oz · Hop · Stuart Little · Toonami · Balto II: Wolf Quest · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Man on the Moon · Mary Poppins Returns · Movie 43 · Alien 3 · Barney's Great Adventure · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Constantine · Kim Possible · The Lion King · Blade II · That Darn Cat · The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones · Underworld · Mulan II · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Pest · The Wall · Aladdin (2019) · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Demon Knight · Venom · Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island · Justice League · Frozen · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Most INSANE Christmas Rom Com · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause · Die Hard
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2020:
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Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Duckman · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 2 · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Trolls · Dolittle · Frozen II · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Alpha and Omega · Avatar (2009) · Stuart Little 2 · Superman Returns · Totally Spies!: The Movie · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Mouse Hunt · Battleship · The Hunchback of Notre Dame · The Lion King (2019) · The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Iron Giant · The Bill & Ted Movies · Mulan · Playing with Fire · Problem Child · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Lost Boys · The Stand · The Witches · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Tusk · Curse of the Commercials · The Lion King II: Simba's Pride (NC) · Sucker Punch · Krampus · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Deck the Halls · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
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2021:
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Shark Tale · The FREAKIEST Raggedy Ann Movie · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · 9 · Strange Magic · The Terminator · Terminator 2: Judgment Day · Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines · Terminator Salvation · Terminator Genisys · Terminator: Dark Fate · Wonder Woman 1984 · Freaked · The Prince of Egypt · Blade: Trinity · Mulan (2020) · Tom and Jerry (2021) · Scooby-Doo: Curse of the Lake Monster · Who Framed Roger Rabbit · The Banana Splits Movie · Ready Player One · Men in Black II · An American Tail · Monty Python's The Meaning of Life · Cats · Jetsons: The Movie · Atlantis: The Lost Empire · Mystery Men · X-Men: Dark Phoenix · Cinderella III: A Twist in Time · The Mask · The Nightmare Before Christmas · The Ring · Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost · The Lawnmower Man · Leap! · Space Jam: A New Legacy · A Series of Unfortunate Events · Commercials Resurrection · Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas · The Polar Express · Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist · Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever · Reindeer Games
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2022:
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Old · Birds of Prey · Rango · Daphne & Velma · Pan · Tarzan · National Treasure · Return to Oz · Batman Begins · The Dark Knight · The Dark Knight Rises · Batman · Batman: Mask of the Phantasm · Hancock · Bobbleheads: The Movie · Lilo & Stitch · Pinocchio: A True Story · The Rugrats Movie · Spider-Man: No Way Home · The Brave Little Toaster · Tombstone · Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole · The Fifth Element · Garfield and Friends · The Batman · The Addams Family Movies · The Secret of NIMH · Austin Powers Movies · Morbius · The Shrek Movies · Brave · Willy's Wonderland · Diary of a Wimpy Kid · The Kung Fu Panda Movies · The Matrix Resurrections · Beetlejuice · Jurassic World Dominion · Back to the Future Movies · The Princess and the Frog · Hotel Transylvania Movies · The Frighteners · The Munsters · The Mist · Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius · Anastasia · Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs · Commercials H20 · Hoodwinked · Elf · Disney's A Christmas Carol · A Garfield Christmas · Home Sweet Home Alone
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2023:
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The Ant Bully · The Sword in the Stone · Charlie's Angels · The Twilight Saga · Click · Zathura: A Space Adventure · Iron Man · Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl · Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest · Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End · Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides · Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales · Despicable Me and Minions Movies · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish · Top 11 Disney Remakes That Could Work · The Simpsons Movie · Beethoven · M3GAN · Cartoon Network Bumpers · The Little Mermaid · Dudley Do-Right · Kids' WB · White Chicks · Baby's Day Out · South Park Movie · The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie · The Great Mouse Detective · The Super Mario Bros. Movie · Bean · The Truman Show · Beavis and Butt-Head Do America · Top 11 Tom and Jerry Episodes · The Three Stooges Movie · The Road to El Dorado · The Pee-Wee Movies · Robin Hood · Liar Liar · The Flash · Monster House · Coraline · Trick 'r Treat · Thinner · Peter Pan · The Little Mermaid (2023) · Mrs. Doubtfire · Kingdom of the Commercials · Home Alone · Edward Scissorhands · Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale · Wakko's Wish · A Christmas Story
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2024
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On Deadly Ground · Fat Albert · Aladdin · Top 11 Funniest Disney Villains · Kung Pow! Enter the Fist · Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse · Jumanji · Superman · Superman II · Superman III · The Snyder Cut · Top 11 Poorly Aged Bill Cosby Commercials · Galaxy Quest · Wish · The Land Before Time
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DVD Exclusives:
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Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
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Theme months
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NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month
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