Hocus Pocus


November 3, 2015
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(We start off with the Nostalgiaween 2015 opening, then come to a Cineplex in the year 1993. We cut to Doug Walker, Tamara Chambers and Beth Elderkin playing Winifred, Mary and Sarah Sanderson respectively. All three have nooses around their necks. Below them is a crowd of people involving Rob Walker, Barney Walker, Doug Walker and Jim Jarosz)

Rob: Witches of Hocus Pocus!

Winifred: Word up?

Rob: We, the National Association of Registered Critics, NARC, find your movie guilty of being incredibly...dumb! Therefore you shall be hanged until hung, and your movie banished into obscurity...until obscure.

Mary: Come on, we weren't that bad.

Jim: Just look what you've done to our youth! (He pulls out Maniac Zack from the side)

Maniac Zack: Hey, can I get another kids film about the awkward teen that gets the hot babe?

Jim: That's every movie you've seen this year!

Maniac Zack: Yeah, and I've got babes like them to thank.

Sarah: Oh, you don't need to thank us.

Maniac Zack: Oh, but you're so bodacious.

Winifred: She's actually right. We don't want to entertain you, we want to consume your consumerism. The more we keep you in a formulaic box, the more likely you are to watch things we put no effort in, thus making mass profit!

(Maniac Zack gulps)

Mary: In fact, when you watch a product too much, you become the product.

(Maniac Zack clutches his chest and collapses to the ground, soon becoming a black cat)

Jim: What is that?

Mary: A black cat toy. They're all the rage now.

(Captions pop over Maniac Zack. "NOW AVAILABLE. He Sounds Just Like That Boy You Like! Only $29.99. Pester Your Parents Until They Buy You One. We'll Gas All the Ones Not Bought."

Sarah: Yes. Sailor Moon, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and, of course, our movie.

Winifred: Look for them at Toys R Us. The children can't resist!

(The witches laugh evilly)

Rob: Destroy them!

Winifred: Hah! The joke's on you! Our movie may have opened up fourth at the box office, but soon we will return!

Jim: What do you mean?

Winifred: We'll be nostalgic.

Sarah: Hollywood will run out of ideas.

Mary: They'll find comfort from us.

Winifred: And soon the 90s will rule the world!

Rob: That's impossible.

Winifred: Soon Pokémon will be popular again.

(The mob shudders)

Sarah: Backstreet Boys.

(Another shudder from the mob)

Mary: Furbies.

(Another shudder)

Rob: The fuck is that?

Winifred: And all of them will be exploited by Jimmy Fallon! (She laughs out)

Rob: Kill them!

Winifred: You can't kill us! We're Disney!

(Rob signals for them to hang. One lightning flash later, the hanging silhouettes are found over a poster of a kitty clinging onto a bar that says "Hang In There, Baby.")

Rob: What depraved time would bring back such archaic monsters?

(We now cut to 2015 where the Nostalgia Critic is pulling out one of his Halloween jackets before he notices something.)

NC: Hey! (Inside the room is a reindeer, Christmas tree and mistletoe laughing) Go away! Go away! I'm still celebrating Halloween! (Now a snowman, bells and Christmas ornaments come floating in laughing. NC shoos them away with a broom) Ugh! It's not December yet! (He then notices something on a shelf, which happens to look like the Necronomicon Ex Mortis. It happens to be a Collector's Edition to Evil Dead 2) Ooh, Evil Dead 2 on Blu-Ray. Now this is a Halloween flick we're talking about.

(Suddenly a familiar cat wakes up from its slumber before realizing just what NC has in his hands)

Maniac Zack: Aw, bogus! I had one job to do all these years and I still fucked it up.

(Meanwhile, NC's taking the disk out of the case)

NC: We'll show them what a real Halloween classic looks like.

(Suddenly the phone rings. NC gets it out of his pocket and he sees a witch on it played by Doug)

Witch: Well, well, if there isn't a skeptic in our midst?

NC: Aren't you that weird teacher in our class that keeps obsessing over Hocus Pocus?

Witch: We saw your Disneycember review of it. Would you care to rethink your Chicago uptight shirt and tie point of view?

NC: Look, watching it once was enough, and I don't get why your class benignly laughs at stuff even a kindergartner wouldn't laugh at.

(The class groans at that statement)

Witch: Stop! Stop!

Tamara: It just so happens that Hocus Pocus was supposed to be a Disney Channel original movie, which we all know is nothing but classics.

Students: Yeah!

Witch: Well said.

NC: Why would a classroom applaud that?

Jim: Teacher, can I interrupt class to announce to everybody that I'm gonna give this girl (Tamara) my number?

Witch: Well, that seems like a completely normal thing to do. (The class whoos at that) You get an A+ for flirting.

NC: I will never understand this fanbase. (He hangs up) Evil Dead 2, on the other hand...

(Just as he's about to put it in, Maniac Zack interrupts him)

Maniac Zack: Stop! That's the blu-ray of Hocus Pocus, dude! I hid it in there so nobody would find it.

NC: Oh, man, the Suburban Knight fans are getting weird.

Maniac Zack: If someone actually plays a blu-ray of Hocus Pocus, that means it's popular enough to bring the witches back.

NC: Oh, and how would you know about that, Gigi?

Maniac Zack: Because I've been guarding it. You see, I'm a boy that was cursed by them years ago, and I haven't told anyone about it until this day.

NC: If you could talk, why didn't you talk all these years?

(That bit of logic stymies Maniac Zack)

Maniac Zack: Don't put it in!

NC: Okay, I'm done with Hocus Fuck-us. I'm putting in Evil Dead 2.

Maniac Zack: Noooo!

(Just as NC puts the disk into his system, fireworks spark out)

NC: Jesus!

(This also makes Maniac Zack go from cat to human again)

Maniac Zack: Maniac Zack is back, Jack!

(The witches appear in the doorway framed in shadow, laughing away)

Winifred: We're home!

NC: (In the manner of Snake from The Simpsons) Oh, no! Bette Midler!

Winifred: Hello, I'm Sister Winifred. This is Sister in the City and this is Sister Act, though the fanbase just calls her Curly.

(Sarah walks over to the calendar)

Sarah: Look, sisters! It's 2015! Just in time for the 90s to become nostalgic again.

NC: No, no, no, no, no. There's still plenty of things today that are totally original.

Winifred: Name a recent hit movie.

NC: Goosebumps. (Realizes what he said) Shit!

Maniac Zack: Maximum maxness!

Winifred: Ah, and you must be the virgin prophesied to fail in stopping us.

(Maniac Zack hangs his head in shame)

NC: That's an...odd thing to focus on. He's like 13.

Sarah: It's a 90s thing.

Mary: We talk about uncomfortable things without having the knowledge to talk about them.

Winifred: And now, the time has come to control the minds of this generation by convincing them that our movie is the greatest thing ever!

NC: No! We'll stop you the best way possible!

Mary: Oh.

NC: Running away like a pussy!

(And indeed, NC and Maniac Zack run away)

Maniac Zack: I actually was a pussy!

(The two try and reach the exit, but the witches poof in front of them)

Winifred: Aha!

NC: Gah!

Winifred: The witch is back, baby!

(The three prepare to strike, but a noise goes off from Maniac Zack's beeper)

Maniac Zack: Wait. My beeper says it's been five minutes.

(The witches sigh in annoyance)

Sarah: Frankenberry.

NC: Wh-wh-what does that mean?

Winifred: Every five minutes, we need to distract from the plot and do some unnecessary mugging.

Mary: Usually misinterpreting things for something else.

(Sarah notices NC's TV)

Sarah: Oh, what is that?

Winifred: Oh! (The witches approach the TV and look at it in awe) Do you think it's some sort of god?

Mary: I think it's some kind of shrite or something.

Winifred: Oh, that's good commentary. Very good, Curly.

(They continue to look at the TV)

Maniac Zack: Come on, let's jam!

(NC and Maniac Zack leave the house)

NC: God, did we really used to say that?

(Winifred picks up a DVD box of The Uncanny Valley and looks at the back)

Winifred: This Dragonbored section is completely ripping us off. (Snorts)

(Meanwhile, as upbeat music plays, NC and Maniac Zack are running through the road filled with trees and leaves falling on the floor. NC looks at the surroundings and stops running)

NC: Wait a minute. What's with the upbeat music? We're in a state of anxiety.

Maniac Zack: Oh, it doesn't matter. All 90s kids films have whimsical soundtracks from walking through a neighborhood.

(A fairy flies past the two)

NC: Oh, what else do they have?

Voice: Halt!

(Two bullies, played by Jim Jarosz and Jason Laws, dressed and looking exactly like the bullies in the movie, appear, causing Maniac Zack to gulp)

Maniac Zack: Bullies.

Ernie: Hey, Hollywood! Let's have a buzz!

NC: (Facepalms) Oh, my God.

Maniac Zack: No, thanks, guys. I don't smoke.

Jay: Oh, what are you? Health-conscious there, Hollywood?

Ernie: Rice! (Reveals the tattoo "Rice" to be on the back of his hat)

Jay: You just got riced.

Ernie: Good job, brony.

(They laugh and chest-bump with each other)

NC: Why are you afraid of these guys?

Ernie: Better answer him, Hollywood!

NC: Okay, stop calling him "Hollywood". You're the ones who are Hollywood, because Hollywood obviously wrote for you. If you existed in real life, you'd be the ones being bullied!

Jay: (Sarcastically) Ooh! He's onto our formula. We'd better get out of here. (Ernie laughs, until Jay drops the act) No, really, we should go.

Ernie: Yeah, okay.

(They walk off. Maniac Zack becomes angry)

NC: What's the matter with you?

Maniac Zack: You just humiliated me in front of half the guys in school!


NC: That wasn't half the guys at school, that was Tweedle-Bulk and Tweedle-Skull.

Maniac Zack: (Sighs) Sorry. (Sits down) It's just...it's just that it's hard moving into a new environment, you know.

(NC sighs and sits down)

NC: Yeah, I do know. You're a growing teen with so many issues that could be tackled, but instead, they do the one that they always do: New kid moving into a neighborhood, like that's somehow the only problem any kid ever has.

Maniac Zack: It's in every 90s movie. Every one! Doesn't any child anywhere else have other issues?

NC: Well, at least you don't have a dead parent. That's a popular cliche. And look at it this way. Kids films in the future are written a lot better, and a lot of these 90s tropes don't even exist anymore.

Maniac Zack: Didn't you say Goosebumps was #1?

NC: Don't change the subject.

(A bus suddenly arrives, and out comes the witches)

Winifred: Oh, thank you again, Mr. Bus Driver, for giving us a ride for us being so gorgeous!

(NC looks at the bus driver)

NC: You found them gorgeous?

Bus driver: What can I say? I'm settling! (To the witches) Anytime you wacky broads want to indulge my crazy ass fetish, it's all right by me.

(He drives off as the witches wave)

Winifred: Goodbye! Goodbye! (To her sisters) Let's never speak of him again.

Sarah: He was weird.

Winifred: Yeah.

Maniac Zack: Let's beat it extreme old school style!

(He and NC run away)

Winifred: After the virgin!

(She and her sisters grab their brooms and fly after the duo. The chase leads into a graveyard, where NC and Maniac Zack come across a gravestone)

Maniac Zack: Look at this! It's the gravestone of one of Winifred's victims. (He continues speaking as NC dreads with fear as the witches come closer) Apparently, she had a better interpretation on witches, so she banished her theatrical release and killed any chance of her being popular in America.

NC: We're in the middle of a chase! What does this have to do with anything?! (After a beat, Maniac Zack mimics playing an electric guitar) Come on, you virgin!

(The duo run off as the witches stop flying and land next to a house. A beeper sounds)

Winifred: Oh, my beeper. (Looks at it and frowns) Oh, Adda's Fork! We need to mug again.

Mary: Maybe we could do a calming circle.

Winifred: No, even the movie gave up halfway on that one.

Sarah: Perhaps we can bring in a baby boomer celebrity that none of the children will recognize?

(As if to bring her request to life, Garry Marshall, played by Doug, comes out of the house's door, dressed as Satan, just like in the movie)

Garry: Ladies?

(A circle appears in the middle as Garry smiles at the camera. The theme for Happy Days plays briefly as an audience applauds and a caption appears saying, "Guest starring Garry Marshall as The Pointless Detour". The witches smile)

Witches: Master!

(They quickly approach Garry)

Garry: Just to clarify, I'm not actually the Devil, but I did direct The Other Sister, so I understand that confusion.

Mary: Oh, we wouldn't confuse the Lord of Darkness with an out-of-touch director in red pajamas.

Winifred: We know it's really you.

Garry: Let me unrealistically invite you in to hit on you, because what can I say? I'm settling.

Winifred: Oh! This calls for extremely over-the-top hand gestures!

(The witches make some as they go inside Garry's house)

Garry: Come on in. I'm completely hijacking the movie. Come on in, come on in.

(Meanwhile, NC and Maniac Zack approach a cop, played by Rob)

NC: Officer! Officer! The witches from Hocus Pocus are trying to consume everybody's minds!

Maniac Zack: And I'm a virgin!

(Rob and NC look at Maniac Zack silently)

Rob: Come here. (Moves closer to Maniac Zack, but it takes a while for him to do so as he is constantly mimicking the slow-motion movement) You a virgin?

Maniac Zack: (Bows his head) Yeah.

Rob: Really?

(NC is both confused and annoyed)

NC: He's 13! What is wrong with everybody?!

Maniac Zack: No, I should feel bad. I'm not even following in the footsteps of my mom, who dressed up like Madonna this year.

(Brings out a photo, which NC grabs and looks at it, showing a picture of, indeed, the mother dressed as Madonna, with the caption "Momdonna!")

Rob: Whoa. I'd cuff that.

(The three look at the camera)

NC: Parents, stop Disney talking about sex. (A caption of what he just said appears in the bottom) They...they just don't know.

Rob: That's okay. I'm not even a real cop.

Maniac Zack: What?

Rob: Yeah. The giveaway is this stupid patch on my hat.

NC: Dude, that's, like, incredibly illegal.

Rob: What are they gonna do? Arrest me for impersonating a police officer? (A real police officer played by Jim Jarosz suddenly appears and handcuffs Rob) Oh, fair enough.

Officer: Come on, buddy! (Drags Rob away)

Rob: It's okay! I've got the patch on my hat!

(The witches suddenly come out, looking terrified)

Winifred: Oh, what a terrible man!

Mary: Marrying a sister was one thing, but then showing us Princess Diaries: The Royal Engagement was too far!

Sarah: Look!

(NC and Maniac Zack run away again with the witches chasing them. NC looks at the camera)

NC: Sheesh! What do you people at home see in these three?!

(The witches immediately look at the camera)

Winifred: Oh, are people at home watching us?

Maniac Zack: Right on! (NC grabs Maniac Zack and drags him away)

(Various Channel Awesome people are shown watching the witches on their laptops)

Winifred: Well, thank you for that marvelous introduction. (Makes an explosion as music begins to play and the viewers become interested. Singing) I put a nostalgia spell on you...and now, you're mine. (The viewers all laugh, confusing the witches) Oh, that made you laugh? Oh. (Resumes singing) Well, I have even more crappy puns and li-i-i-ines! (The viewers laugh harder, again confusing the witches) What is happening right now?

Mary: I don't know.

Winifred: (Resumes singing) On my witch watch, time will fly today

If you learn how to spell, they'll be hell to pay!

(The viewers laugh like cackling hyenas, confusing the witches even more)

Sarah: This is getting uncomfortable.

Winifred: Yeah, just cut to the chorus.

(The music for "I Put a Spell on You" plays as the witches dance)

NC: No! Don't fall under the corporate song number!

(Too late; the viewers keep on listening to the witches dance and sing, and also dance along throughout)

Winifred: I put a nostalgic spell on you

Just give it time

Mary and Sarah: Stream us now on Netflix

Winifred: Perhaps a decade or two

Then your memory's mine

Mary and Sarah: Amazon Streams, just click

Winifred: Our writing is atrocious and makes no goddamn sense

But you'll laugh because we always use synchronized movements

Nostalgic spell on you

Forget reason or rhyme

Count Jackula: Get down.

Mary and Sarah: Watch us, watch us, watch us, watch us!

We're in Best Buy's Discount Bin!

Winifred: This earworm will stay with you 'till blood squirts out your nose

This whole thing's as impromptu as "Go Ninja Go"

Nostalgic spell on you

(Maniac Zack dances along, but an annoyed NC slaps him)

Maniac Zack: Hey, this is a surprisingly good number!

Winifred: Nostalgic spell on you

Now repeat after me:

Ecky, ecky, shblblbble doochie, dopsie blblblble goochie ta!

(The music stops as the viewers become annoyed)

Some Jerk with a Camera: Hell, no!

Winifred: What?

Count Jackula: You can't spit out gibberish and expect us to remember it right away.

The Dom: Yeah, you should've had this rehearsed or something.

Winifred: Excuse me? Excuse me? We're doing this all with no rehearsal!

Mary: Yeah, us and the band.

Winifred: We're doing this all in one go! And quite frankly, I think we're killing it!

Bennett The Sage: Well, good for you. But we can't even pronounce half the names we hear on an anime!

Winifred: (Sighs) All right. Go, line up, line up. We have to make it simpler for the simpletons. (Clears throat and resumes performing)

Witches: I'll watch Hocus Pocus every single Halloween!

(The viewers resume dancing to the music)

Viewers: I'll watch Hocus Pocus every single Halloween!

Witches: Every year, it's the boss!

Viewers: Every year, it's the boss!

Winifred: Now everybody do the Peter Dinklage window wash

It's the 90s, so we're a little less PC!

(The song ends. The viewers cheer and applaud, with many of them saying "Hocus Pocus rules!", and one viewer goes nutsy crazy)


(We immediately go to a commercial)

Note: transcription isn't complete yet

(the Sanderson witches groan)

NC: Let's see who this witch really is!

Winifred: Oh, dear.

(NC rips Winifred's hair off, and she is actually...)

Maniac Zack: Isaac and Malachai?! (and Isaac is siting astride on Malachai's shoulders)

NC: From "Children of the Corn"? But why?!

(Malachai puts Isacc down)

Isaac: We attempted to brainwash the minds of a youth. But I realize now the only Evil Entity that truly has control of every child's brain is Disney!

Maniac Zack: Well, wait, who are you two, then?

Tamara: ...

Beth: ...

Isaac: Come, Malachai. We must prepare for tomorrow night.

Malachai: Why, Isaac? What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Isaac: The same thing we do every night, Malachai: try to take over the world with corn!

(as they leave, the "Pinky and The Brain"-like theme is playing)

Chorus: He's Isaac and the Children of the Corn, Corn, Corn, Corn, Corn!

(sad piano music is playing)

Maniac Zack: I just don't know, Critic. I don't think I've fit too well in this time period.

NC: Are you kidding? Everybody in this generation is trying to get your generation back. Besides, I think there is a few people you can bond with.

(NC gives Maniac Zack a smartphone, and he sees a familiar kid wearing glasses and a cap, played by Lewis Lovhaug)

90's Kid: Duuuuude!

Maniac Zack: Duuuude!

(NC pats Maniac Zack on the shoulder and goes away for a moment)

90's Kid: Duuuuuuude!

Maniac Zack: Duuuude!

90's Kid: Duuuuuuude!

Maniac Zack: Dude?

90's Kid: Duuuuuuude!

Maniac Zack: (chuckling) Dude! (parodies a famous scene from "Scary Movie") Wazzuuuup?!

(NC returns with a rack)

Maniac Zack: Critic! Where are you goin'?

NC: This has been one fucking weird Nostalgia-Ween. I think it's time to return to something more familiar.

Maniac Zack: Oh, you mean like 90's shows?

NC: (thinks for a second) Something like that.

(NC leaves his house and we see that the clothes he took is... "I Donut Donuts" shirt, which foreshadows the next review)

(And we go to the end credits)

(Channel Awesome logo)

Jay: (by the way, the ONLY clip from "Hocus Pocus" used in the review) 'Sup, witches?

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