And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy called Hellboy.
Except he's not really a boy.
He is a big, angry man with pepperoni coming out of his head.
And he teams up with this fish man.
Who kind of looks like the creature from the blue lagoon!
If he was gay.
And there's this woman who can control fire.
And most of the time, she's covered in fire!
I know you expect me to make a sexual joke about how attractive she is.
Ooh, she's so hot.
She's so hot, she's on fire.
She's so hot, she's steaming.
But I'd like to think I've moved past that childish humor.
Back to the review.
And there's this prince guy who kind of looks like the singer Prince.
In that he's got beady eyes, a high-pitched voice, and he's white.
And he sends out all these evil little creatures!
They are called the tooth fairies.
And I was like, "I love the Tooth Fairy! She's so pretty!"
But it's not that kind of tooth fairy!
These tooth fairies will eat you!
(Makes eating sounds)
And they're all like, "You're not going to give me any money, are you?"
I wish the Tooth Fairy would visit me!
I pulled out three of my teeth one time, hid them under my pillow...
And the next morning I got jipped!
She gave me three identical teeth that looked just like mine.
What a whore!
So, the prince guy is like, "I'm going to unleash the golden army and destroy all of mankind. Ha ha ha ha!"
And Hellboy is like, "Dude, don't bother me. I'm trying to drink."
And there's a German robot who operates on magic smoke.
I told you smoke was magical!
I see all sorts of things when I smoke!
Like German robots and fish people and...Hellboys and...women who are on fire...
I'm sorry, I may not have seen this movie!
Some of these movies it's so hard to tell!
Like "Terms of Endearment." That was about a psychotic rutabaga, right??
I get so confused!
Oh well. The other thing that happened in this movie slash possible crack fantasy was this giant, black creature popped up!
And then, a giant rock person popped up!
And then, these giant golden guys popped up!
Everybody was so big!
It's like looking at the world if I was Danny DeVito!
So, the Hellboy and the fish man get drunk together and sing songs.
Yeah, I'm pretty convinced this was a crack fantasy.
When the prince comes in, and he's like, "Give me the golden crown!"
And Hellboy is like, "Still drinking."
So, Hellboy teams up with the fire woman, the German robot, and the fish man.
I definitely need to see somebody.
And they take on the golden army!
Which look like giant alarm clocks that want to kill you!
So, Hellboy is like, "I challenge you to a duel!"
And the prince is like, "Okay."
(Mimics sword fighting)
And so, Hellboy wins the fight, and then he's like, "Kill me!"
And Hellboy is like, "Nahhhh."
And the prince is like, "Then I'll kill you!"
And Hellboy is like, "Dude, that ain't fair!"
But then the prince dies, because the princess killed herself.
You see, the prince and the princess are brother and sister, and so, they can feel each other's pain.
So, when she stabs herself, he also feels the effect and blood is oozing out of them, and then they turn into these weird, plastic statues.
I am checking into a rehab clinic tomorrow.
And they all live hellishly ever after!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I need help, man! I'm thinking that German robot sounded like Family Guy!