Nostalgia Critic (NC): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well it's still the season of Christmas, I'm still in the mood to torture myself. So, let's take a look at our next holiday stinker: The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.
Footage of said special starts to play.
NC (voice-over): Just saying the title of this special makes me laugh my ass off. I mean, what's next? (Pictures of what the Critic mentions come up to demonstrate his point.) A Thundercats Christmas? A G. I. Joe Christmas? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Star Wars Christmas.
Oh Critic, if you only knew….
Yoda: You will be. You will be.
NC (VO): And it's just as silly as you may think it is. I have to admit, I didn't watch a ton of He-Man or She-Ra growing up, so I might miss a few characters' names and such. But I do remember the basic premise: a prince named Adam lives in the world of Eternia where somehow taking off his clothes disguises his identity and turns him into He-Man. He has a magic sword, and fights off a bonehead named Skeletor. She-Ra: same story, but with tits.
NC: So, I bet you're wondering how they bring Christmas into that plot set-up. Let's take a look. This is the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.
NC (VO): So, it turns out it's He-Man's and She-Ra's birthday as the king and queen of Eternia set up the castle for a celebration. (Footage of people decorating the palace) Look at it. It looks like a gay pride parade in the Land of Oz.
NC: Yeah, yeah, I know I made, like, a bajillion gay jokes about He-Man in the past. Well, all right, as a special Christmas gift, I will not make any more gay jokes about He-Man. (long pause) (quickly) I hope you like my sacrifice because it ain't easy.
NC (VO) So we see all the rejected Disney characters set up the castle and get ready for the party.
Footage of special
Royal Guard: I think purple would look good up there Peek-a-Bloo.
- Yeah, I know I hate the name too. -ed.
Special continues as we cut to Critic who just blinks confusedly. Then...
NC: What do you want, a cookie?
Queen: You know, it reminds me of how we used to get ready for Christmas at this time of year.
King: Christmas? What's that? An Earth holiday?
Queen: A very special Earth holiday.
NC (VO) And.... that's all we're going to say about it, apparently. Next scene.
Man-at-Arms: We're almost finished here.
NC (VO): So it turns out that Man-at-Arms and He-Man- oh, I'm sorry, Adam. Yeah, his disguise really threw me off there- are launching a rocket that can hopefully spy on Skeletor. But you tell me how the hell a loud, fire-spewing warhead is going to spy on anything.
Man-at-Arms: This little sky spy will give us a complete picture of Skeletor's every move.
NC (VO): But it turns out that our little Jawa-poltergeist named Orco wants to take a closer look.
Orco: (He brakes off the handle to start the ship) Uh-oh.
The rocket soon begins to launch itself into space.
Adam (who has a tenor voice, while He-Man has a more bassist voice): What happened?
NC: Well remember that easily, breakable piece of the handle that we designed to launch the whole ship? (long pause) Maybe we shouldn't have done that.
NC (VO): So as our space cadouce flies into the sky, we get our main credits.
Said credits appear
NC: (looks bored) Unless the rest of the title is "Go Back Door Humping", I'm not interested.
No, it's not Critic. It actually says “A Christmas Special”.
NC (VO): Yeah, I bet you never hear “Jingle Bells” and He-Man together.
NC: Unless you replace the letter “e” in Bells with the letter “a”- Okay, okay! I made a promise.
Adora: (AKA She-Ra. Has alto voice, whereas She-Ra has soprano) What’s happening?
Man-at-Arms: Skeletor is going after the Sky Spy.
Adam: Then He-Man’s going after Skeletor. By the power of Grayskull!
Transforms into He-Man
He-Man: I HAVE THE POWER!
NC: (VO intimidating He-Man) Hey sis! Have the power.
Adora: I’ve got a feeling my brother may need some help.
NC: (chuckles) I love how the transformations aren’t even a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes like, “Oh, hey He-Man, when you get a chance, could you dry these off? (sound of He-Man transforming) Okay, never mind.”
He-Man comes flying in the sky on his own aircraft.
- Note: I do not know the name of this ship. -ed.
He-Man: You’re trying to grab more than you can handle.
NC: (has a very shocking confused look on his face) Okay, I’m not gonna make anymore gay jokes, but, for the record, I want a countdown of how many gay jokes I could have made.
He-Man’s previous line is said and the words “Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 1” appear on the screen.
NC (VO): But the EVIL Skeletor tries to trap He-Man.
Skeletor: Use the force belts. Don’t let him get away with it!
A mechanical rope appears, trapping He-Man, but he breaks free in a millisecond.
NC: (imitating Skeletor) OOO damn it! That’s the last time we try to save money by buying Scotch Tape belts!
He-Man gets caught in more mechanical ropes, but is unable to get out. “Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 2” appear onscreen.
NC (VO): But luckily he’s saved by Wonder Woman riding Rainbow Brite’s unicorn.
She-Ra: Let’s get a little fresh air in here.
The Sky Spy is removed out of frame.
He-Man: The Sky Spy is spinning off into space!
NC: Hey! How come our hair isn’t blowing, even though we’re thousands of feet in the air?
NC (VO): So they follow the rocket to see if they can get it back. Good thing they can breathe in space!
The rocket suddenly goes into hyperdrive.
She-Ra: I’m afraid we’ve lost your Sky Spy.
He-Man: Well, it’s a good thing nobody’s in it.
NC (VO): Well, nobody redeemable.
Orco: I never should have gotten in this thing.
NC (VO): So we see Orco making his way towards Earth as- (looks at the planet) Wait a minute. Earth?
NC: Sweet God! (very quickly) This is the Masters of the Universe movie all over again! Hide all the pink Cadillac’s!
NC (VO): So he runs into two children, who I guess were looking for a Christmas tree, in the middle of the mountains! That’s a pretty hardcore tradition, kids!
Orco: What are you doing out here all alone in the snow anyway?
Miguel: Getting a Christmas tree.
Orco: A what?
Alisha: A Christmas tree. Until we got lost!
Orco: Aw, there, there. Y-You’re not really lost, you found me, didn’t you? My ship crashed just over that hill. Come on, I’ll show ya and maybe we can find a way safely to your parents!
NC: (intimidating the girl) Yeah, that’d be great. Maybe if you have a cell phone on there, maybe we can contact somebody; they can come up here and rescue us. That’d be wonderful. Oh, by the way, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
Orco: You said you were looking for a Christmas tree? What’s Christmas?
Alisha: When you get lots of presents!
Miguel: But it’s also a time when everybody thinks about peace and goodwill toward men.
Alisha: That’s what the angel said.
Orco: Angel?
Miguel: We’ll tell you the whole story. A long, long time ago….
NC (VO): Quick! Dissolve to something else! We have to keep religion out of this as much as possible!
Queen: Those are Earth coordinates. Orco’s landed on Earth!
Teela: Are you saying that we’ll never get Orco back?
The Critic holds a bottle of Champagne (?) and smiles very cheerfully.
NC: (looks at the bottle) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m, uh, trained to do that every time those words are uttered. (nervously chuckles)
Man-at-Arms: No Teela. My transport beam might do it. The problem is it needs a Carium Water Crystal to power it and there are none here on Eternia.
NC: Uh-huh. Okay, let me just tell you what they’re really saying:
NC: (dubbing Man-at-Arms) You see my insert technobable here might solve it. But we need a random technical plot point thingie in order to make it work.
NC: (dubbing Adora) I’ll find one!
NC: (dubbing Man-at-Arms) Good! Bring me a prism when you get back.
NC: Been there, done that. Next scene.
Alisha: …and the three wise men followed the star until they finally reached Bethlehem.
NC (VO): Oh, good, we didn’t miss anything important!
Miguel: Let’s tell him about Santa Claus!
Alisha: (chuckles) I’ll tell him.
The scene gets dramatically cut back to Eternia.
NC (VO): And it looks like we’re going to miss that part too. You know I just love Christmas specials that totally ignore Christmas!
Adora: For the honor of Grayskull!
She transforms herself into She-Ra and transforms her horse into Swift Wind.
NC: (dubbing Swift Wind) Oh, God! Every time this happens, I feel unbelievable pain! God I hate sprouting these wings! JESUS it hurts!
NC (VO): So we fly to the planet of New Jersey, where they try to find the water crystal thingie to locate Orco.
A water serpent appears.
She-Ra: The beast monster.
NC: (thinks about this for a second) Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, isn’t that kind of like saying, “Look out! The tortoise turtle. He’s evil bad”?
NC (VO): But fortunately, this monster is unbelievably stupid, which results in She-Ra getting the water crystal with no problem. That is until another monster pops up.
She-Ra: It looks as if we’ve found something else, too.
Swift Wind: (Yeah, he talks, I don’t know why-ed. But it's in a gravely manner) What are they?
NC: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. THAT’S the unicorn’s voice?! That’s like the most unwhimsical thing I’ve ever heard.
Swift Wind: They’re changing into other forms. What evil robots!
NC: Okay, I didn’t grow up with She-Ra, but aren’t unicorns supposed to be swift and elegant? I mean, what girl wants to hear their unicorn say:
NC: (dubbing Swift Wind’s voice in a gravely manner) Come on She-Ra, lets find some evil doers. Maybe we can drop by the cigar store on the way there.
NC: That just doesn’t sound right.
NC (VO): So luckily this monster doesn’t seem too bad to defeat- (the monster arises showing it to be hundreds of feet tall) aw shit.
Robot monster: Prepare to battle.
The monster starts firing at She-Ra, but traps them both in a bubble.
NC: Oh, fuck! They got bubbles!
The robot transforms itself into another robot, but this time with new features.
NC: My god! Those transforming robots are transforming into some kind of transformed evil! I think they’re called: (pauses) Care Bears.
NC (VO) So She-Ra has to use all of her brains and all of her fighting skills to come up with a way to get out.
She-Ra uses her sword to cut through the bubble. X(
NC (VO): That was easy. She then gives the crystal to Man-at-Arms who manages to bring Orco home.
Orco: All we have to do is hold hands and move over there.
NC: (dubbing Orco) In Eternia, we call this a kidnapping!
The ship is brought back to Eternia.
Adam: There he is!
Adora: Orco (Orco kisses her)
Adam: Who are your friends? (Referring to Miguel and Alisha)
NC: (dubbing Adam’s nasal voice) Who are your friends? I’m the gay son of Casey Casem and Jerry Seinfeld. Nyah.
NC (VO): Meanwhile we cut to a burnt potato chip where Horde Prime, who I guess is the evil overlord, fears the presence of goodwill known as Christmas is harnessing his evil. So he summons Skeletor and some other villain whose name I can't really understand.
Horde Prime: Send for Skeletor and Hordak!
The Critic mispronounces this name several times before he simply says to his disbelief, “I don’t care”.
- Note: the actual name is Hordak. I looked it up on Wikipedia. -ed.
Horde Prime: The arrival of the spirit of Christmas on Eternia may threaten my rule!
NC (VO): What the hell am I even looking at? Is the ruler of darkness just a flaming turd that nobody can make out?
Horde Prime: A new spirit of goodness has arrived on Eternia.
NC (VO): And for that matter, what the hell is he even saying? (A shot of Skeletor’s face shows a look of confusion) Look at Skeletor’s face, he clearly has no idea what he’s talking about.
Horde Prime speaks, but it is unintelligible.
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): Uh, no, not getting any of this. I-Is that English? You need to annunciate. I have no lips and even I can annunciate.
- Note: It's actually Rob (Doug's brother doing the voice of Skeletor. Sorry. -ed.)
Hordak: Have no fear great master. I will eliminate this Christmas spirit.
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): Uh, yeah! What he said.
NC (VO): But it turns out there’s some disagreements between these evil doers.
Skeletor: You? You can’t even handle that muscle-bound female She-Ra!
Hordak: Just a minute, what about the way He-Man handles you?
“Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 3” appear onscreen.
Horde Prime: Whoever eliminates the spirit of Christmas from Eternia will be more rewarded.
NC (VO): So you’ve heard right, Horde Prime, the evil ruler of darkness, wants to, in fact, steal Christmas.
Footage from How the Grinch Stole Christmas appears.
Boris Karloff: Please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
NC (VO): But that’s okay! The kids are helping the people of Eternia write all-new Christmas songs that are sure to become household classics. Listen!
The song starts playing and the Critic looks confused. He then takes out a paper bag and the words “Vomit Bags on Standby” appear onscreen. As the song continues, the Critic eventually vomits into the bag. The song ends. (THANK GOD!)
Miguel: Now that’s the Christmas spirit!
NC: I beg to differ. (He continues to vomit)
NC (VO): But unfortunately, the evil troops come down to- Wow! (One of the villain’s planes comes into view with a phallus-looking design) I mean, WOW! How could a show that’s not trying to insert gay symbolism CONSTANTLY be doing this?
The ship fires a beam at someone and freezes him thus resulting in…
Charlie Wilcox: I was frozen today!
Miguel & Alisha: Help! Help!
NC (VO): So Bordak- Hordak! - whatever, kidnaps the kids and Orco, but is intercepted by the GoBots here.
The gigantic robot from earlier grabs a hold of the ship.
NC: Ah.
Orco: What’s going on?
NC: (pauses) Just add it to the list.
“Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 4” appears onscreen
NC (VO): So they’re imprisoned by the evil machines, but luckily some characters called “manchines”- yes, that’s really what they’re called- come in to help.
Manchine: We’re the manchines. My name’s cutter.
NC: Guess what I do!
Cutter breaks open the bars of the cell.
NC: I also make pies.
NC (VO): So He-Man, She-Ra, and the scrap metal from Mega Man all try to help them save the kids.
He-Man: (as he is tying up some mechanical ropes together) Sorry to get you all tied up!
“Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 5” appear onscreen
More action scenes follow
He-Man: What works for my sister, works for me!
The Critic can’t decide whether or not to include this in his list, but ultimately…
“Gay Jokes I Could’ve Made: 6” appear onscreen
A manchine crushes a giant robot
NC (VO): Yeah, it’s been a while. Let’s put a toy plug in. It is a Christmas special after all.
Alisha: Aw, look! A manchine puppy!
MANCHINE PUPPY So cute you’ll kill it! Only $29.99 Not sold in stores (healthcode violations) Visa, Master, Discover, and Mail Order Brides accepted
Alisha: He’s so cute!
NC (VO): But Skeletor comes in and kidnaps the kids, again.
She-Ra: We’ll see about that!
Skeletor: Oh no you don’t, She-Ra! (He fires a beam trapping Swift Wind in a cage of sharp rocks)
NC (VO): Oh, gee. If only he could fly.
Skeletor: Now nothing can stop me from delivering them to Horde Prime.
Hordak: (he’s watching Skeletor on a screen) Don’t be so sure bonehead!
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): What was that? How-How can I hear you? Waah!
NC (VO): So they crash into the mountains where Skeletor actually has to spend quality time with the kids.
Skeletor: Get moving you two, we have a long walk ahead of us.
Miguel: Please mister, be nice. It-It’s Christmas time!
Skeletor: Christmas time?
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): Christmas time? I’m Jewish! I’m getting candles, and dreidel, and a new pair of slacks every year! I’ll be as fucking grouchy as I please you little Hitler youths! Now move it!
Miguel: It’s-It’s the season of love and joy!
Alisha: And caring. (She falls down due to the cold weather)
NC: Wow, I guess that line took everything out of her.
Skeletor: Now get moving you two before Hordak comes back.
Miguel: We’re so cold!
Skeletor: Oh, blast it! (He fires a beam of light and the children now have coats on)
NC (VO): Now that makes you ponder, doesn’t it? Why would Skeletor add a coat-creating device on his evil magic wand?
NC (intimidating Skeletor): My wand can do anything! It can kill people, destroy cities, and make fashionable fur coats!
NC: But why?
NC (Skeletor): Why? Why? What if it gets cold? People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level. It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks!
NC: But why does it do that?
NC (Skeletor): Have you ever had a pina colada without one those little umbrellas on top? It’s depressing, nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil!
NC: Oh.
NC: (Skeletor) I am Skeletor!
NC (VO): But it appears the Christmas spirit is so strong it even seems to effect the bony lord of evil himself.
Skeletor: No! Leave him!
Alisha: We have to!
Skeletor: I said leave him!
Alisha: Please?
Skeletor: Oh, blast it! (He picks up the animal/machine) I don’t know what’s coming over me.
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): But if you dare chew on one of my bones, I swear you’re the first one I’m eating!
NC (VO): So as they venture along, they come across He-Man, She-Ra, Blorock- Hordak! – whatever, and even Horde Prime as they all meet up to have a huge battle.
Hordak: Now hand them over!
Skeletor: They’re mine Hordak! (He fires a beam but Hordak blocks it with a shield and the blast hits Skeletor)
NC: Oh, dude! You got ‘em in the skelenads!
Hordak: Now I’ll take those goody-goods!
NC (VO intimidating Skeletor): You just shot my goody-goods!
A battle ensues
NC: Because this is what you think of when of Christmas right? People beating the shit out of each other!
The battle continues with the song “Jingle Bells” playing in the background.
NC (VO): So just as Horde Prime is about to kill the kids, Skeletor feels the Christmas spirit once more and fights him off.
Skeletor: But I must… save… the children!
Ellen Ripley: Get away from her, you bitch!
Horde Prime’s ship is then destroyed.
NC (VO): So Horde Prime is destroyed, and they beam the kids back home.
NC (as kids): Uh, these aren’t our parents.
NC (VO): Why Adam even dresses up like Santa Claus!
Adam: Oh, you knew it was me all the time, didn’t you?
NC: Well, it’s not nearly as good as your He-Man disguise. Next time; try taking off more clothes.
NC (VO): And of course, we get one of those lame-ass messages that we get at the end of every episode.
Adam: It’s a season of love, and joy, and caring.
Orco: And presents!
Adam: Presents are nice Orco, but Christmas means much more than that.
NC (VO intimidating Orco): I know! It’s about making other religions feel inferior.
Adam: That’s right Orco. And what would make you happiest this Christmas?
NC (Orco): How about a pair of fucking legs?! And a nose! Or even a face, sweet Jesus!
Adam: (chuckles) Oh, Orco!
NC (Orco): Don’t laugh at me, I’ll kill you all!
NC (VO): So that’s the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special. It’s pretty silly and makes no sense, but to be fair, what would you expect from He-Man and She-Ra? It’s stupid but it’s harmless. And that’s all you can say about it.
NC: I mean there’s a lot of things out there that could be worse. For example, I would be terrified if there really was a Star Wars Christmas special.
Yoda: You will be. You will be.
NC: Why does he keep saying that?
The Imperial March theme starts playing, and a sound clip of Yoda laughing is heard.
NC: (looks scared) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
He gets up very slowly as the viedo ends.