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Harry Potter at Universal Hollywood!
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Show
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Some Jerk With A Camera
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Air Date
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October 30, 2016
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The Haunted Mansion (W/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 3
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[We open with Jerk standing in front of Hogwarts castle in The Wizarding Word of Harry Potter section at Universal Studios Hollywood]
Jerk: To all who come to this [points to the Hogwarts castle] happy place, welcome, I’m Some Jerk with a Camera.
[We cut to the logo for “Some Jerk With A Camera” in front of the entrance to Universal Studios Hollywood]
Jerk [v/o]: [Trying to sound like Albus Dumbldore] The Wizarding world of Harry Studios Hollywood]
Potter, a whimsical journey into a forbidden realm of witchcraft and wizardry. A magical land where the pages of literature come to glorious life. A breathtaking, game changing, exquisitely detailed experience like no other, [normal voice and says quickly] except for the other 2 parks on the planet [Universal Studios Florida and Universal Studios Japan] with something more or less exactly like it, one of which has quite a bit more to offer [Universal Studios Florida], but this one’s cool too!
Jerk: Yes, after years and years of struggling in the shadows with Southern California’s other theme park [Disneyland], along with this one [Knott’s Berry Farm], this one [Six Flags: Magic Mountain], this one [SeaWorld San Diego], this one [Lego Land California], this one [Adventure City], and this one [Disney’s California Adventure], Universal Studios Hollywood is finally living up to the potential of a completely different park, all together.
[Magical Mystery Tour by The Beatles plays]
Jerk [v/o]: Yeah, yeah, this will be another Universal episode where I compare them to Disney, but honestly, it’s kind of unavoidable. If Disneyland hadn’t redefined the gold standard of how to make a brand name into a tourist destination, I’m not sure Universal would even have a tram tour, much less a full theme park. But, to hear Disney tell it, it’s more than just shroode marketing
[We then cut to various bits of a Disneyland vacation planning DVD]
Man: There’s real magic in Disney
Woman: It’s really a magical place.
Female Announcer: Welcome to all of the magic./There is so much magic.
[We cut to various parts of the video where some someone says, “magic,” “Disney magic,” “magical,” or “magically” for about 50 seconds. Midway through, a caption appears at the bottom: “This all came from one vacation planning DVD.” The montage ends with…]
Female Announcer: [As a little girl in a princess dress runs in her hotel room] The magic never ends.
[Repeats “never ends” in slow-mo several times, getting slower on each repeat to sound creepier. The screen starts to go red as the caption changes to: “Run all you want the magic never ends.” After that, we cut back to Jerk, walking down Main Street in Disneyland]
Jerk: The big selling pint of Disney is this conceit that they’ve infused this park with all these supernaturally, paranormal, otherworldly forces, just for the sake of showing you…and kajillions of other tourists [turns so that the Houdini Magic Store is behind him], a good time. But, the more you study this place, the more you realize it’s more like this [points to the Houdini Magic Store] kind of magic, the act of performing elaborate illusions on the world’s biggest stage, illusions that don’t always work.
Jerk [v/o]: Rides break down, attractions get refurbished, entire areas get surrounded in work walls, things go wrong, and yet, all their talk of magic continues. Which leads the smarter dumb kids to wonder: “Why? Couldn’t any half decent Sorcerer’s Apprentice just wave a magic wand, spout some gibberish, and make the sentient brooms fix whatever’s wrong with Space Mountain?” [We then cut to the 3 fairies from Sleeping Beauty and their wands] How can magic wands this powerful not handle a lousy selfie stick [Cut to a sign in for Disneyland that prohibits selfie sticks]?
Jerk: Which, of course, brings us back to Universal Studios Hollywood. It knew it couldn’t compete with “Disney Magic.” So, instead of even trying, it avoided the “M” word all together and sold itself as what Disneyland really is:
[Cut to several commercials from Universal Studios]
Male Announcer: Universal Studios Hollywood, where movies come to life!/The only places [Universal Studios Hollywood and Florida] on Earth where you can ride the movies!/Ride the movies!/RIDE THE MOVIES!
Commercial Singers: Universal Studios, it’s the movies!
[Weird Al Yankovic’s Tacky plays]
Jerk [v/o]: Sure, the rides at Universal were nice and immersive, but then when you exited a ride and walked to another…you may as well have been at a Six Flags. So, Universal, rather ingeniously, embraced there own tackiness and branded themselves as the park that the curtain and revealed the illusion. Not only would they not hide that fact that the shark [The animatronic Jaws shark from the tram tour] still looks fake, they’d actually show a video afterwards entailing how fake the shark was in the movie.
Jerk: [In front of Production Center Gift Shop] So, with all that in mind, it may seem almost like a betrayal that Universal is embracing pure, fantastic gobbledygook by swinging for the fences and opening THIS! [Points to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter behind the cameraman, fan fare plays] In fact, prior to opening THIS [Points back to it, fanfare again], Universal had to build themed lands based on the Simpsons and (god help us} Despicable Me, just so THIS [Points again] wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb. Alost makes you wonder why Disney let the boy who lived slip through their fingers in the first place.
[We cut to a Disney Office. A caption at the bottom says: “Walt Disney Imagineering. The mid-2000s.” J.K. Rowling, played by Erika Haynes, is having a meeting with Disney executive, Artie, played once again by Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle. He’s drinking from a flask, has a pair of handcuffs on just his left hand which he’s holding a smoking pipe, and has several books and pill bottles on his side of the conference table.]
J.K. Rowling: I believe your guests should experience Hogwarts just as Harry did. They should be able to ride the Hogwarts Express from King’s Cross Station, they should be able to get their own customized Olivander’s wand, drink butter beer at the 3-
Artie: Who are you again?
Rowling: [Confused] I’m J.K. Rowling.
Artie: Oh, yeah! I love those Narnia books you wrote, especially the Old Testament.
Rowling: [Stating to get angry, lets it go to not ruin the meeting] Anyway, I really believe that if we commit to doing this right, we can make something that the world has never seen bef-
Wealthy Businessman [Played again by Jerk]: [As he opens the door] YOU FOOL, THAT WILL NEVER WORK!!
Artie: What’ll never work?
Wealthy Businessman: Just practicing. [To J.K. Rowling] Ah, J.K. Simmons pleasure to meet you! [Shakes her hand, She still con] Loved you in Lady Killers! So, what sort of thing will never work today?
Artie: Oh, nothing much, just acquiring the theme park rights to The Last Unicorn or something. 20 minutes tops.
Rowling: If I may? [pulls out a binder from under the table] I’ve been doing some research on the Kuka robot arm technology and I-
Wealthy Businessman: Whoa, whoa, slow down Queen Elizabeth! This is Disney, we’ve gotta go through 87 levels of bureaucracy just to open a churro stand! For you, we were thinking a meet and greet, maybe a live show.
Arties: I can see it now, we’ll call it “Percy Jackson’s Rock N’ Funk Review!” We’ll have Gandalf and Gurgi and the Box Car Children, all up on stage singing It’s Raining Men! [Rowling is starting to get more annoyed] Kids will love it, I presume!
Rowling: I really think that Harry Potter calls for more than that; a ride, at least!
Artie: Look, Ms. [Reads on a sheet of paper] “Just Kidding” Rowling, rides are very valuable commodities, ok? Once we build one, they have to last forever! That’s why we only build them around surefire properties, like Mission to Mars and Dinosaur!
Wealthy Businessman: And Song of the South.
Artie: And Superstar Limo!
Rowling: That was not a film.
Artie: Wait, THEN WHY THE HELL DID WE BUILD IT!
Wealthy Businessman: I think we lost a bet.
Artie: [To himself] Dammit, [Michael] Eisner.
Rowling; Excuse me, I wrote one of the best selling book series of all time.
Artie: [Pipe in mouth, nods] A-huh.
Rowling: [Getting more aggravated] The films and merchandise have already generated billions!
Artie and Wealthy Businessman: [Nod] A-huh.
Rowling: [Now very angry] BILLIONS, WITH A “B!!!”
[The room is silent for a few seconds]
Wealthy Businessman: [to Artie] Someone’s something with a “B.”
Artie: Whoa! [The 2 high five and laugh]
Wealthy Businessman: Nailed it!
Artie: That is what I’m talking about!
[Wealthy Businessman takes one of the books on the table and slam it like a basket ball]
Wealthy Businessman: DOUCHE!
ROWLING: I WROTE SHOPS AND RESAURANTS DIRECTLY INTO THE MYTHOS, YOU TOSSERS!!! THIS COULD BE A GOLD MINE FOR YOU!!!
Arite: [Sarcastic] I’m sorry, are you an Imagineer?!
Rowling: THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD!!!
Wealthy Businessman: [Holds up Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire] Oh, says the woman who makes up fake words left and right, [opens the book to a random page] like “ministry?!”
Rowling: [Sighs, then resolves herself] Will you excuse me? [She pulls out her phone] I have to make a quick phone call.
[As she does, Artie and Wealthy Business man start to flip through the pages of the book]
Wealthy Businessman: You know, I’ve always considered myself a Ravenclaw.
Artie: Me, too.
Rowling: [On the phone] Hello Audrey, remind me, when you developed Seuss Landing with those Universal blokes, how much creative control did they give you? [Her response] Really? All of it?! [Closes her phone and binder and turns back to the 2] I think we’re done here.
[She then storms out.]
Artie: Well, we negotiated as hard as we could. Can’t all be as easy as P.L. Travers.
[A ringtone playing Nelly’s “Iz U” rings. Wealthy Businessman answers the phone.]
Wealthy Businessman: [On phone] Ahoy hoy? [He then gasps and turns to Artie] It’s James Cameron!
Artie: [takes the phone, he’s very happy] WHATEVER IT IS, WE’LL BUILD IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN!!
[We then cut to actual footage of the real J.K. Rowling signing a child’s copy of one of the Harry Potter books, but the child’s head is replaced with the Universal logo.]
Jerk [v/o]: So, J.K. Rowling signed with Universal instead and in 2010, The Wizarding World of Harry Potter opened in Islands of Adventure in Florida. Potter fans from around the world could finally visit Hogwarts and Hogsmeade and Florida tourists finally had a real incentive to set foot outside Disney Property.
[We get an Image of parts of Walt Disney World as the 4 Hogwarts houses. Disney Castle as Gryffindor, Spaceship Earth as Ravenclaw, The Tree of Life as Hufflepuff, and Disney Hollywood Studios as Slytherin.]
Jerk [v/o]: It was a godsend for Islands of Adventure, which had always suffered from bad marketing and general indifference was know as that other park in that other resort [Both Universal Studios Florida and Disney World are both in Orlando] But then, 11 years into the park’s neglected existence, it finally got it’s letter to Hogwarts.
[Cut to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher's Stone]
Rubeus Hagrid: It’s not every day your young man turns 11, now is it?
Jerk [v/o]: And it’s actually thanks to Rowling’s lofty standards. Almost overnight, the Wizarding World became the new yardstick of the entire theme park industry. Without it, I don’t think Disney would have poured nearly as much into Buena Vista Street or Cars Land or…the upcoming world of Avatar.
[Cut to Jerk in front of Cars Land. After a second at looking at it, he turn to us.]
Jerk: I didn’t say every franchise deserved it.
Luke Ski: [Goes up to Jerk] I liked Cars 2!
Jerk: [While still looking at the camera] Quiet, you. [Jerk pushes him aside as we hear the sound of glass breaking] See what I have to deal with?
Jerk [v/o]: In 2014, a clone of the Wizarding World came to Universal Japan. The same year, the lightning scar struck twice in Florida with a Diagon Alley expansion. And finally, in April of 2016, Universal Studios Hollywood opened a Hogsmeade clone of its very own. And in case their Disney-esque ambition weren’t obvious enough, tell me if this commercial look familiar?
[We cut to a commercial for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. The camera soars through the CGI clouds of the sky that turn into familiar objects from the HP universe like an owl, a Hungarian Horntail dragon, and the Hogwarts Express]
Child Announcer: We all wonder what it would be like to fly, to have incredible power, to journey to a world beyond anything you thought possible.
[We then transition to a Disneyland commercial that also takes place in the clouds. We see people riding the Seas with Nemo and Friends]
Disney Announcer: Where you get to dive right in, [Then Toy Story Mania is in the clouds] take aim and ride, [Cut to the High School Musical Pep Rally live show] and it’s your dance too.
[The screen then turns into a split screen. Half is the commercial and the other half is Jon Stewart from MTV’s 25 Lame.]
Jon Stewart: [Sarcastic] They’re dancing in the clouds! Why must you be so cynical?!
[Cut back to the commercial for the Wizarding World.]
Jerk [v/o]: But even then, they still don’t or maybe can’t say the word magic.
Child Announcer: Then we come to realize, wonder can be real.
[A caption in the actual commercial reads: “A World of Wonder Awaits.” We then cut to Jerk in front of the Alice in Wonderland Mad Tea Party aka the Tea Cups ride.]
Jerk: [Angry] “Wonder?” Are you kidding me? Did Harry go to Hogwarts to learn “wonder?” [Sighs] Wonder is real! You know, no one is even disputing that. People wonder things all the time!! Right now, I’m wondering why a park with a magic land is selling itself with wonder while the Wonderland sells it self with magic?!?!
[We then cut to clips from Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone. Jerk dubs in certain scene where a character says “Magic” with “Wonder”]
Vernon Dursley: There’s no such thing as-
Jerk [v/o]: [Dubs in] Wonder.
Harry Potter: Muggle?
Hagrid: Non-
Jerk [v/o]: Wonder
Hagrid: -folk
Harry: I’m not allowed to do-
Jerk [v/o]: Wonder.
Harry: -away from Hogwarts
[We then cut to a clip from the 1970s Wonder Woman TV show with the show’s theme]
Jerk [v/o]: Magic
Singers: [Sing] -Woman!
[Cut to the 1974 American Music Awards]
Dick Haymes: And the winner is…[opens the envelope and reads it] Stevie-
Jerk [v/o]: Magic
[We then cut to Stevie Wonder going up to accept the award. Cut to an old Wonder Bread commercial. Boy scouts are looking at the American flag as
Man and Children Singers: [singing] Just a little slice of America!
Jerk [v/o]: Magic
Man and Children Singers: [sing] -Bread!
[The Logo for Wonder Bread is shown, with ‘Wonder” crossed out and “Magic” shown above it. Cut back to footage of the Wizarding World as Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World plays.”]
Jerk [v/o]: It’s no wonder or no magic, rather, why this magic-ful wonder-al land succeeded financially, But if I could summarize in one word why it succeeded esthetically, it would be “detail.” J.K. Rowling’s greatest strength as a writer is, arguably, her incredible knack for world building and every nook and cranny of this place takes full advantage of her universe of timeless literary classics, and also, Half-Blood Prince. A universe full of whimsy and enchantment and bright colors and magic wands and magic trains and magic candies and castles and ghosts and flying broomsticks and flying cars and horse-birds [Hippogriffs] and time travel and werewolves and dragons and mermaids and murder [of Cedric Diggory] and fascism and prophecies and murder [of Sirius Black] and torture and mass murder [The people on the bridge at the beginning of Half-Blood Prince] and muted colors and horcruxes and roofies and murder [of Albus Dumbledore] and identity theft and the illuminati and living off the grid and nudity and elf murder [of Dobby] and magic Nazis and explosions and war murder [Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks] and survivors guilt and assisted suicide [Snape killing Dumbledore] and martyrdom and limbo and aborted fetus [?]
[Cut back to J.K Rowling/ Erika Haynes at the board room, she’s looking at the camera]
Rowling: Because I’m J.K. Rowling, bitches, [Puts on Luna Lovegood’s Spectrespecs glasses] and that how I roll.
[Cut to a Wizarding World commercial where the camera goes flies throughout the land as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” plays, spoofing the intro to C.S.I. Miami.]
Jerk [v/o]: But, for as dark as these stories got, while the Wizarding World uses reference points and iconography from across the series, the tone of this land remains firmly in the wheelhouse of…the director of Pixels [Chris Columbus].
[We then cut to as the caption reads: “An actual scene from Pixels.”]
British Prime Minister: Will, I trust with the concord of our powers that we can duff up the jiggery pokery of these blighters and send the scuffling back to the fascist fam they came!
Jerk: Dude, you know they don’t talk like that, Chris [Columbus], you made 2 movies with an all British cast, you rascist!
- Columbus also directed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Luke Ski: [Walks into frame] I liked Pixels!
Jerk: Quiet, you! [Pushes him aside, the sound of glass shattering is heard again.] I swear, it’s like a virus.
[Bewitched theme plays]
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, it’s a theme park, so naturally it’s pitched mostly to kids. In fact, it’s pitched so much to kids that…um [Cut to a sign to use the test seat before riding Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey] Long time viewers may remember that briefly discussed the Florida version of this land before. The signature E-ticket ride, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, was #1 in my Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California countdown [AKA “Get On A Damn Plane! The Top 11 Florida Attractions Not In California”] before…[Cut back to the sign for the test seat] Circumstances left me unable to ride it.
[We then cut to Jerk in the test seat making Doggans and Spazz Master push the down on the bit that locks Jerk in]
Jerk: [Yells] PUSH! PUSH, DAMMIT, PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!
[The last “PUSH!” fades out as we cut to Jerk in front of the Wizarding World entrance, thinking about that last scene, but then becomes chipper again.]
Jerk: But, now it is in California, so that list a complete sham and nothing matters. [Cut back to the title for the review. “The Top 11 Florida Attractions Not In California” is crossed out and the word “Don’t” is in front of “Get On A Damn Plane!”]
Jerk: So, come on, gang! Let’s swallow the tears in my Butter Beer and launch into some sodding detail! [He then hold up and looks a map for Universal Studios. He then raises it down a bit] Where the hell are the footsteps?
Jerk [v/o]: There’s way too much detail to possibly mention at all in one video, so I’ll just scratch the surface with stuff I can easily make fun of, like the callous twerp I am! [Cut to footage of Hogsmeade in the Wizarding World] LFor example, the totez real snow on the rooftops that magically refuses to melt in the hot, California sun. Shame really, we could use the water. But the first major landmark you encounter as you enter Hogsmeade is the Hogwarts Express.
[Cut to the POV of Jerk with his camera talking to a walk around character dressed as the conductor.]
Walk Around Character/Conductor: [British Accent] Is this some sort of Muggle contraption, I understand?
Doggan [Not in shot]: It is.
Walk Around Character/Conductor: I’ve seen them all over.
Spazz Master: Yes.
Walk Around Character/Conductor: [Leans in to the camera] Hello?
Jerk: I am Some Jerk With A Muggle Contraption, indeed
[images are shown below of wizard cameras and pictures in the HP films and the caption: “’Cus it’s not like Wizards have cameras that take moving pictures of anything.”]
Walk Around Character/Conductor: Oh. “Some Jerk?” “Some Jerk,” is that a first name or a whole name or…?
Jerk: It’s actually a maiden name.
Jerk [v/o]: Now, in Florida, the Hogwarts express is a whole ride unto itself from Hogsmeade to Diagon Alley and back, but here, it’s just a stationary photo-op. Oh well, still no less of a ride then the Disneyland railroad is at the moment.
[Cut to Jerk in front of a wall with a door to one of the exits out of the Wizarding World area]
Jerk: Another ride that’s only at the Florida Hogsmeade is the Dragon Challenge Coaster, which would have gone right about there [points to the door behind him], Instead, behind that wall, some say there be dragons that challenge you to not tear the seat in front of you to [His voice stats to gets distorted as the scene dissolve to one from Shrek 4D] shreds with your bear teeth and 3D fart jokes [Cut back to Jerk] induced admitant rage! [Voice normal] Other people say it’s just White Walkers. Potato, potahto. [Beat] Or Hermione, Herm-e-own.
Jerk [v/o]: Nearby, it just wouldn’t be Hollywood without a couple of magic stores, like the joke shop, Zonko’s, and the diabetes factory, Honey Dukes, because…I think Wonka moved away when he got jealous that Hogwarts was endangering all the kids. But, if you prefer your processed sugar in liquid form, why not try Butterbeer? It’s basically butterscotch cream soda and it is almost obscenely delicious. They also have frozen Butterbeer, but it’s a little too watery for my taste. Plus, I’m pretty sure they have to pay Disney royalties for it.
[Cut to Jerk, holding a mug of Butterbeer, in front of the Barrel cart that stores Butterbeer. There’s a big line in front of the cart]
Jerk: But, if you don’t want to wait in that line for this deliciosity, there are other ways.
[We cut to the beginning of an old timey film titled: “Hot To Make Homemade Butterbeer.” We then cut to Jerk in black and white in his kitchen, banging a stick of butter against the side of a bottle of beer.]
Jerk: Get in there. [More banging] Stop, do it. [More banging] I said, “do it!” [More banging] Stop being stupid.
[The film then cuts to the end title card with the caption: “The End” and “A Ministry Of Magic Production.” Cut back to the review]
Jerk [v/o]: Or you can get your Butterbeer fix at the 3 Broomsticks, a delightful wizard eatery overflowing with all the charm of a rural English cottage with food that is, thankfully, not authentically British. Then, if you need to expel those nutrients, you can do so from the restrooms.
[Cut to Jerk in front of one of the restrooms]
Jerk: Now, you may be asking, “Restrooms? Every theme park has restrooms. Why even bring them up, you deranged sicko?” Well, when I say this place is detailed, I’m not just talking whistling pixies. The Wizarding World takes things we all take for granite about public space in general and weaves them into the mythos.
Jerk [v/o]: The 3 Brooms stick serves Butterbeer instead of soda, the ATM is a Gringotts ATM, and in the restrooms while…
Jerk: …you tediously remove human waste from your body or however you Muggles do it, Universal has seen fit to make the invisible ghost of a dead teenager giggle at you. [Silent for a few seconds] Not making a word of that up.
Jerk [v/o]: Yep, you get to hear Moaning Myrtle herself talk to you while you do your business. This might be the one detail where-
[Cut to a clip from Jurassic Park.]
Ian Malcolm: You’re scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could; they didn’t stop to think if they should!
Jerk [v/o]: I mean, Monsters, Inc. had bathroom scenes, too, but you wouldn’t expect [Cut to Mike and Sully To the rescue ride and then to the restrooms near it] extra magic to seep into those lavatories?
[We then cut to Jerk reading a Disneyland map while in a bathroom stall, he’s shot from the waste up.]
James P. “Sully” Sullivan [v/o]: Okay, you’re finished now, right? Hello?
[Jerk notices the audio and lowers the map.]
Jerk: Sweet mother of God, it’s John Goodman! [Takes out his phone and calls someone] All units, commence Operation: King Ralph! I repeat, commence Operation: King Ralph, this is not a drill!!! [Puts the phone away and says to himself] May God have mercy on our souls!
[Cut to black with the caption “Forth Seconds Later.” We cut back to Jerk in the stall as the room violently shakes as we hear the audio of Charlies Meadows, John Goodman’s character from Barton Fink. Jerk holds on for dear life, screaming.]
Charlies Meadows [v/o]: I’LL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I’LL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I’LL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND!
[We then dissolve to an American flag waving with trumpet fanfare of America’s Song Of Remembrance. We then cut back to the review.]
Jerk [v/o]: And speaking of human waste, even the gift shops here are really impressive. Thumbing through impractical merchandise has never really been my idea of fun, but I certainly dig well themed décor when I see it. One such gift shop empties out from Olivander’s, where a kindly wand maker helps a young guest pick out the very best wooden stick magi-sword.
[Cut to footage Jerk shot of a guest testing a wand.]
Olivander’s Clerk: Do you see my vase of flowers over there? [Points to it, which is on a high shelf]
Guest: Yes.
Olivander’s Clerk: Make my flowers larger; make them grow by waving your wand and saying “Engorgio!”
Guest: Engorgio!
Olivander’s Clerk: Yes! [A light shines upon the flowers, but then they just bend over.] That is the opposite of growing.
Jerk [v/o]: That’s pretty much the opposite of living.
Olivander’s Clerk: [points his wand at the flowers] Aguamenti!
[The flowers then stand back up as they were.]
Jerk [v/o]: Wait, “aguamenti” is the water is the water-making spell, but can’t bring dead flowers back to life. Was that some spell special water that can reawaken the dead?
Professor Albus Dumbledore: No spell can reawaken the dead, Harry. I trust you know that.
[Cut back to Jerk’s footage of Olivander’s]
Jerk [v/o]: Yeah, but this guy [Olivander’s Clerk] clearly didn’t. [Cut to the Disney World episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch as the aunts resurrect a cave man] Are the rules different in theme parks or was that just some extra magic resurrection Jesus water? Wouldn’t Jesus water automatically turn into wine? And who decided a flower resurrection was more pressing than a Wizard resurrection spell? Sirius Black lives matter, damn it! And now that Hermione is Belle now [Her actress, Emma Watson, plays Belle in the live action remake], couldn’t she just Aguamenti that sucker [The Beast’s rose] and the whole castle [Cut to the end of the animated “Be Our Guest” song with the servants dancing as wine flows] stay drunk on Jesus wine forever? [Beat] What in God’s name was I talking about? [Cut back to Olivander’s] Oh yeah this girl’s [The guest testing the wand, an arrow points to her] a cold-blooded murder.
[We then cut back to the flowers bending over and then stand back up to somber music and the caption: “R.I.P. Zombie Flowers. 2016-2016; 2016-Present.” We then cut to the Lily Potter’s death in Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone]
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, speaking of dead lilies, the shop also sells replicas of many famous wands [From characters in the films], including [beat] Voldemort’s.
[Cut to a clip from Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.]
Professor Horace Slughorn: Don’t use that name!
Jerk [v/o]: Fine, the artist formerly known as “Voldemort.” They’re selling replicas of the wand that killed so many innocent flowers and people, that most don’t even, mention its owners name in polite company, but don’t mind printing it on merchandise! That’s gotta be the wizard world equivalent of…
[Cut jerk playing a salesman wearing a top hat in front of an oven in frony of a fake marketplace]
Salesman/Jerk: Hitler Ovens! Get your Hitler Ovens! Nothing says Lovin’ like a Hitler Oven! Makes a great Hanukkah gift! Perfect for baking kugel! The final solution to all your baking needs! Get you Hitler Ovens!
Jerk [v/o]: And, if you’re still watching this video, we come to the first of 2 rides, Flight of the Hypocrite [Actually titles Flight of the Hippogriff].
[Cut to Jerk in front of a green-screened sky as he flaps his arms]
Jerk: NO ONE SHOULD EVER FLY, EVER! HUMAN BEINGS WERE NOT MEANT TO FLY! A FLYING PERSON IS AN OBOMINATION AGAINST NATURE AND- [Someone offscreen and unheard interrupts Jerk as he looks to the side] What? “Hippogriff?” [Annoyed] Oh! [He then immediately falls speeding-ly to the ground, cut to infront of the ride] AHHH! [He then crashes to the ground and immediately stands up, hair disheveled] Yes, Flight of the Hippogriff, Universal Hollywood’s first ever outdoor roller coaster, based on Buckbeak [Cut to a images math problem. A Hippo+Griff Tannen=Buckbeak The Hippogriff] from Prisoner of Azkaban, because…at least one time travel movie has a ride in this stupid park. [Jerk then looks around amazed] Why am I not dead?
Jerk [v/o]: As roller coasters go, it’s…fine. Nice view of the castle [Hogwarts], nice animatronic Buckbeak, nice thrills, not much else to speak of, really. Except for these weird leg restraints the ride vehicles have [this ride has a leg and waist restraint, as opposed to just the waist]. They’re really uncomfortable and they don’t appear to serve any tangible purpose, beyond inflicting even more pain upon your poor, tired extremities.
[Cut to Jerk sitting in a test seat from Flight of the Hippogriff as he sings with jingle singers as captions show what they’re saying.]
Jerk/Jingle Singers: [Sing]
Theme Parks!
Where You Show Your Feet Who’s Boss!
[We then see an image of a foot next to Jerk which gets cut by an animated whip. Cut to Jerk’s footage of the ride, which then pans over to Hogwarts Castle, which holds the other ride, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey.]
Jerk [v/o]: And now that we know where to find that fantastic beast, we move on to the real reason why we all came here, [Beat, then quick pan to the Butterbeer cart] more Butterbeer!!! [Beat, then quick pan back to Hogwarts, he’s unenthusiastic] Oh yeah, and the Warthog of Wizcraft and Witchardry.
[Cut to Jerk in the waiting area, which looks like the interior of the school]
Jerk: Because, if there’s one thing kids love to do on vacation, it’s go to a school!
[Cut to the stand up special, Paul F. Tompkins: laboring Under Delusions]
Paul F. Tompkins: Ugh, more school!
Jerk [v/o}: Hogwash is, of course, home to the new crown jewel of this entire park, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, which combines elements of a dark ride and a motion simulator to deliver a one of a kind thrill ride experience. [Beat] Unfortunately, due to the specific way it combines those things, well…
Jerk: You know how rides say, “you must be this tall?” Well, this ride is more concerned about “width.”
Jerk [v/o]: You see, this was the first major e-ticket ride to ever utilize Kuka robot arm ride vehicles, a robo-coaster, if you will. [We see a demonstration of a Kuka ride, A robot arm with 2 seats at then end moves and spins 2 guests around. We then get the caption, “(The Potter isn’t neatly THIS intense, but you get the general idea.)”] This gives the ride vehicles virtually unlimited freedom of movement. But, with that extra movement comes the extra risk of riders getting seriously hurt if they’re not sealed in tightly enough. And if your body is just too big and bulky for the space constraints…
[Cut to a clip from Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone]
Rubeus Hagrid: Particularly, right in the middle. [pats his stomach]
Jerk [v/o]: …It becomes a safety hazard. So…
Jerk: [Angry] I’m too damn fat to ride, you happy?! Apparently, editing a web-series everyday fro 5 years isn’t a full proof weight-loss regiment! Last time I listened to Neville [Longbottom]. You know, this is especially hard for me as someone who may or may not have gone through a huge Harry Potter phase a few years back, which may or may not have resulted in me creating a Sir Mix-A-Lot about book 3, which may or may not have gone semi-viral back in 2004.
[We then cut to Tony Goldmark’s parody video “Sirius Black,” a parody of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot to clips of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. And a few seconds. We cut back to Jerk, still sad.]
Jerk: Yeah, that was me and now, [Points to Hogwarts castle] now this ride does not like big butts [beat] and it can lie!
Jerk [v/o]: But hey, even if you’re too freakishly monstrous to ride the ride or you just don’t want to in solidarity, [Cut to an ad for the ride, guests are exiting through the entrance] there’s no need to immediately exit through the entrance like these confused people are doing. You can still walk though the impeccably detailed queue, starting outside with one of the few editions to California, Universals commentary on Cars Land.
[Really the Weasley’s Ford Anglia, crashed into some rocks, covered in dirt and moss. Jerk Passes by the car and notices it.]
Jerk: Oh, that’s where I parked it.
Jerk [v/o]: But, If the line is all the way out the door, you can slightly cheat it by entering through the gift shop (Take that, Banksie!) and cutting through the locker rooms.
[Cut to Jerk in side the cue talking to someone off camera]
Jerk: Uh, excuse me, which way is the wall? [Pan over to the guy, who is actually a statue, who is pointing behind Jerk. Says off camera] Thank you. [We hear him hit the wall] Ow.
Jerk [v/o]: Needless to say, this queue is packed with even more clever Easter eggs,. Assuming wizards still celebrate Easter [Cut back to Olivander’s with the resurrection flowers] if resurrection is really that easy. Like the moving portraits, which among other things, finally introduce us to the founders of Hogwarts.
[Cut to footage Jerk recorded of the portraits in the grand staircase part of the queue)
Portrait [Possibly Salazar Slytherin]: What are all these muggles doing at Hogwarts, anyway?
Jerk: [Ponders] That’s actually a very good question.
Jerk [v/o]: The narrative of this whole land is that we guests are not Wizards and Witches, except, when we are [with all the magic wands that interact with the environment]. But, most of us visiting Hogsmeade are, in fact, muggles.
Jerk: Or, as we call ourselves in [does southern accent] AMERica…
[He turns around, now in from of a green screened big, waving American flag, which then dissolves into the Grand Canyon, then into the Statue of Liberty, then to Attractive women firing guns, then Donald Trump, then Mudflap and Skids from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, then an exploding hamburger, then Guy Fieri, then the logo for TMZ, then Bill Cosby, then Superstar Limo, and then to black with the caption “Sirius All Lives Matter!” Jerk is wearing a cap with an American flag and is dressed similar to Larry The Cable Guy.]
Country Jerk: [Sings in the style of a serious country song.]
A proud American No-maj
All the magic here is gone!
A proud American No-maj
With a gun [Which he holds] instead of a wand!
A big, fat, loud American No-maj
[aims his gun at the camera] get the hell off my front lawn!
I’m a No-maj.
A no-maj
[Stops aiming] A Nooooo-maj
[He then aims at the camera as we see himself now in the green screen with a bald eagle flying green screened behind him.]
Country Jerk: I’m a No-maj [beat] and I approve nothing.
[Other Country Jerk who is still aiming, looks away from the camera like he’s sad, then back to us. We then cut back to the review.]
Jerk [v/o]: If muggles or no-majes had ever been invited to Hogwarts in any of the books, it would have been a huge thing, right? Even before Voldemort came back, all the closeted Death Eaters never would have let either Dumbledore [Richard Harris and Michael Gambon] hear the end of it.
[Cut to Jerk who has the Hogwarts castle off in the distance.]
Jerk: I mean, if they’re using memory charms [starts to move in a 180 degree circle, to reveal the Simpsons Ride on the other side] on us, they ain’t working. I’ve been to this land, like, 5 or 6 times since it opened and my memories Springfield is still is still as vivid as ever. But, I digress...which is unlike me, I know. The thing is, there’s really not much to mock in the Simpsons ride.
[Cut to clips from Jerk’s review of it.]
Jerk [v/o]: I’m not kidding. Content-wise, this is by far the funniest ride I’ve ever been on. It was written by the show’s actual writing staff and it doesn’t take itself even remotely seriously. So, there’s…
[Cut back to Jerk. He’s feels confused like he’s done this before but then sees something in front of him]
Jerk: Oh hey, a castle! Screw this, I’m gonna review that!
[Cut back to the queue]
Jerk [v/o]: We eventually arrive in the headmaster’s office, where Dumbledore (played by the non-dead actor [Michael Gambon]) once again proves himself physically incapable of opening his mouth without spouting a truism, by spouting a truism.
Dumbldore: There comes a time when all of us must make a choice between what is right and what is easy.
Dumbledore/Jerk [v/o]: I, for example, stayed in the closet my entire life [Cut to a clip from Milk] when the gay rights movements really could have used the most powerful wizard on Earth. So..., I recommend “easy,” it’s easier.
Jerk [v/o]: He sends us off to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to get a History lesson from Professor Binns. But then the ride remembers that Binns was cut from the movie. Instead, we meet Belle [Hermione Granger], The Swiss Army Man [Harry Potter], and…Rupert Grint [Ron Weasley].
[Cut to a clip from Community]
Vicki [A Greendale student]: We came so close to having one class that wasn’t about them.
Harry: The point is, Professor Binns is very, very boring. Which is understandable that given that he’s…he’s…
Ron Weasley: Dead?
Harry: Yeah.
[Cut to Jerk in front of the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland.]
Jerk: In fact, he’s so boring, he moved in here [points to the Haunted Mansion] and brought the ghost count to an even thousand.
[We then hears audio of the ghosts voiced by Jerk, groaning]
Ghost/Jerk [v/o]: Now we’re not as ominous!
Jerk [v/o]: Then, some more portraits of…characters I doubt we’ve even heard of before begin the safety spiel and the Sorting Hat finishes it in rhyme.
Sorting Hat [Really an animatronic]: Now, rid yourself of objects that might poke or scratch or fall. Take jewelry, cell phones, or loose change and stow them, one and all.
Jerk [v/o]: Here’s the thing, though, the hat never spoke in rhyme in the movies. I know he sometimes did in the book [In the book, he would sing a song before sorting the kids], but like I said, these are no-majes.
[Cut to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]
Draco Malfoy: [To Gregory Goyle] I didn’t know you could read.
Jerk: I say, to avoid confusion, we should go back and redub all his dialogue.
[Cut to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone]
Sorting Hat: Plenty of courage, I see.
Sorting Hat/Jerk [v/o]: But he’s got the I.Q. of a tree.
Sorting Hat: There’s talent, oh, yes.
Sorting Hat/Jerk [v/o]: For cleaning toilets, I would guess.
Sorting Hat: It’s all here in your head.
Sorting Hat/Jerk [v/o]: 3 whole brain cells lying dead
Sorting Hat: There’s no doubt about that!
Sorting Hat/Jerk [v/o]: I’s rather sort the bloody cat!
[Cut to the Gryffindor table applauding]
Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: You’re watching the “Comedy Central Roast Of The Boy Lived” [Caption for it appears and “Up Next: Ann Caoultemont”] brought to you by Dos Equis.
[The logo for that that drink appears and a clip from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]
Sorting Hat/Jerk [v/o]: I don’t always drink Butterbeer. But, when I do, it usually just pours out into the head of whoever’s wearing me. [Beat] I’m a hat.
[Cut back to the queue. Following the Sorting hat, you get on the ride]
Jerk [v/o]: And then, once you get past the talking dunce cap…[Beat]
[Cut back to Jerk in front of the castle. Jerk is still angry that he can’t ride it. He then hides his anger and pretend to be happy]
Jerk: You exit the building and that’s it! [waves] Bye, everybody, and see you in season 4!
[He gives a thumbs up as the credits role very fast to Megathruster’s song, “It’s Rough To Be A Hufflepuff.” We then static cut back to Jerk, reading a letter]
Jerk: I am being informed that if I don’t at least try to review the actual ride, I will lose access to the executive bathrooms at Channel Awesome. [Throws the letter away. Unenthusiastically] So, here we go!
Jerk [v/o]: Now, unfortunately the snack carts are fresh out of Polyjuice Potion and I’m allergic to skinny people hair, anyway. But, I did get to catch this ride on my last couple trips to Florida [Cut briefly to Jerk’s The Top 11 Florida Attractions Not In California], several years and…about 20 pounds ago and based on my memory and a few low light videos from Youtube, here’s what happens. [He then says quickly as the Benny Hill chase music plays.] The magic benches [the kuka robot arms] take us to the Room Of Requirements, where Hermione’s Flu Powder sends us into a Doctor Who wormhole because, apparently Barty Crouch Jr. is impersonating Hermione [David Tennant, who played Barty, also played the 10th Doctor], just to get his hands on a time turner. The bench starts flying and Harry and Ron meet us on broomsticks.
[We stop by a window in Hogwarts, where Hagrid is holding a big, long chain.]
Hagrid: ‘Ey, you lot! Y’aven’ [think he meant “you haven’t,” I’m going by the subtitles Tony provides] seen a dragon, ‘ave yeh?
Jerk: Did Hagrid just forget all our names?
[Cut to an animated segment made by Logan Miller]
Hagrid/Jerk [v/o]: [Pointing] ‘Ey… [Trying to remember his name] scar head!
Harry/Jerk [v/o]: [Annoyed] Harry!
Hagrid/Jerk [v/o]: Right, right, right, of course, of course. [Sees Dumbledore] ‘Ey, it’s what’s his face!
Dumbledore/Jerk [v/o]: Dumbledore!
Hagrid/Jerk [v/o]: Right, right, of course. Great man, what his face. [sees Voldemort] ‘Ey… [struggling] you who must not ne named.
Voldemort/Jerk [v/o]: Voldemort.
Hagrid/Jerk [v/o]: Right, right. [beat] Wait what?
Voldemort/Jerk [v/o]: Voldemort!
Hagrid/Jerk [v/o]: Right, right, right, [to himself] I’m so bad with names. Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldemort!
[Hagrid then explodes, seriously. Cut back to the review, Benny Hill chase music still playing.]
Harry [v/o]: And wouldn’t you know it, the dragon shows up and starts chasing “Scar head” and the turns around and attacks us, then Aragog [a giant spider] attacks us, then the Whomping Willow [a moving tree] attacks us, then a Quiddich game attacks us, then Dementors attack us…
Jerk: [Realizes] You think this invitation was a trap? Like, that’s just what they do for fun around here, invite unsuspecting normals to their school full of monsters and indulge in some good ol’ fashioned muggle hunting?
[A British Woman appears next to Jerk, she is played by Tricksterbelle aka Haley Baker Callahan]
British Woman: That is preposterous, my good man, this is obviously No-maj season.
Jerk: Muggle season.
British Woman: No-maj season.
Jerk: Muggle season!
British Woman: No-maj season!
Jerk: [With a lisp] Muggle season!
British Woman: Muggle season!
Jerk: No-maj season…wait, what?
[Jerk then get shot by someone off screen]
British Woman: Tsk-tsk, what a senseless waste of subhuman life.
[She then leaves the shot without a care as we cut to black and the caption “Two Days later…” We cut back to the same place as before, Jerk still dead (We don’t see the corpse) as flies buzz above him. We then see R.L. King, aka Zach Hurst pass by the corpse, disgusted by the smell Jerk corpse is giving off. He then snaps his fingers at the thought of a good idea and take out his wand that he points at Jerk]
R.L. King; Agumenti!
[After a flash of light Jerk is alive and standing again, slightly seizuring from dying and being resurrected.]
R.L.King: [Bitter] You’re welcome!
[Cut back to the ride]
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, then we fly under a cliff and… [We see night vision footage of a bunch of skeletons and snake statues] Ok, I know this footage just looks a bad ghost hunting show, so you’ll have to take my word that this is supposed to be the Chamber of Secrets.
Jerk: Yeah, all this time, you thought you had to go to the girls bathroom, speak Parseltonuge, open a secret entrance, fall down a sinkhole, wander through tunnels and rocks, survive a cave in, kill Kenneth Branagh [Gilderoy Lockhart], speak more Parseltonuge, walk through another tunnel, and climb down a step ladder to get there. But nope, the secret room that no one knew about that threatened to bring down Hogwarts to its knees was just under a cliff near the Quiddich field! No one noticed it because no one bothered to look away from the flying children injuring each other! [Beat] This is the school that you desperately wanted to go to when you were a kid!
Jerk [v/o]: [Benny Hill chase music playing again] Then Harry summons a patronus, we narrowly escape being crushed by rocks [beat] ok, and Harry leads us back to Professor X’s School for Peculiar Children [Hogwarts] and apparently he caught the snitch at some point [an arrow pints to it in his hand] but who cares that he almost gut us killed? SPORTS GO SPORTS!
Jerk: And that’s Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey and…no amount of video footage or description or even logic itself can do justice to how awesome, literally, awe inspiringly awesome it is.
Jerk [v/o]: I’m not kidding, folks, this is one of those rides where the story absolutely does not matter and when you try to explain it, it all falls apart into a chaotic barrage of random Potter-ness. Like all the best rides, it demands to be ridden and I can’t recommend it enough. And make no mistake, the Kuka arm ride technology is the secret of its success, giving these benches the illusion of complete weightlessness, like they can fly and swoop and do just about anything, really. There’s already a few parks out there using Kuka arms on a much smaller scale for generic thrills [Ex. Legoland California and Denmark]. Plus, Universal’s tram tour used to use them for this blithering idiocy [They would make 2 cars spin around around and fly like in a car crash] and I’m sure in the next decade or 2, every major theme park will jump on this bandwagon [It’s already at Grand Pier, Weston-Super-Mare and Innoventions at EPCOT]. But, until then, I kind of can’t believe I’m saying this, But Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey really does feel like magic.
[Cut to Jerk in front of Hogwarts]
Jerk: So, I don’t begrudge this ride for being the type of ride it is. I get it, it works, I just…I just wish it wouldn’t literally be a forbidden journey for the Hagrid sized. [He sighs and then turns to the castle] Thanks for nothing, Hogwarts!
[Cut to a clip from Labyrinth]
Hoggle: It’s Hoggle!
[Cut back to shots of the Wizarding World to David Bowie’s “Magic Dance”]
Jerk [v/o]: And even beyond that, Hollywood Hogsmeade is far from perfect. Most obviously, the sight lines [Cut to a corporate building near the Wizarding World]. This is the Walter Lantz building, so…of course it intruding obnoxiously [Walter Lantz created Woody Woodpecker]. And, apparently, they couldn’t afford and invisibility cloak big enough for it. It’s not a deal breaker or anything, but seeing such a drab, normal building right next to freakin’ Hogwarts [We cut to a split screen with Hogwarts and Bill Lumbergh from Office Space] does kind of take you out of the experience just a smidge…as does the finale of the Water World stunt show, which happens just outside Hogsmeade’s borders.
[Cut to Jerk pretending to be a Universal Studios employee by one of the borders as we see the fiery explosion from the stunt show.]
Universal employee/Jerk: Keep it moving. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here, it’s just some spells gone horribly, horribly wrong. Let’s keep it moving, folks.
Jerk [v/o]: There’s also a side entrance connecting Hogsmeade to Springfield, but doesn’t even attempt to smooth transition. You got an English village, stone castle and then…Dufftown [the Duff Brewery of Simspons Land].
[Cut to a clip from Prisoner Of Azkaban]
Hermione Granger: “Dufftown” That’s not far from here!
Jerk [v/o]: Also, there’s really nothing in this land that isn’t also in Florida. So, if you live closer to Florida, none of it’s really worth the longer trip. But hey, if you live closer to the west coast, [Cut to various negative news articles relating to Florida] fewer reasons to set foot in Florida, the better.
[Cut back to Jerk, looking for Luke Ski to appear to say he like Florida]
Jerk: Where is he?
Luke Ski: [Walks up next to Jerk] I’m right here, but I refuse to say that I like Florida. Even I don’t like Florida.
Jerk: Meh [Still pushes him aside to the sound of glass shattering is heard again. Jerk sighs] What a senseless waste of glass.
Jerk [v/o]: But honestly, it’s petty to complain about what this land isn’t when what it is, is easily the single greatest triumph in the history of this park. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is a hype machine that actually lives up to the hype.
[Cut back to Jerk in from of the Sleeping Beauty castle in Disneyland]
Jerk: Besides, I can’t help but get a certain perverse thrill out of knowing that this [Points to the castle] is no longer California’s most impressive castle. [He chuckles and looks back at it.] Not even close. [He then leaves the shot. We then cut to him walking to someplace in the park.] So, how’s Disney gonna respond to these boarding school punks? What possibly influential, obsessively detailed, [We see he’s now in front of Star Tours: The Adventure Continues] inescapable pop-culture phenomenon is Disney gonna turn into an even more immersive land?
[We cut back to the Disney Office. A caption at the bottom says: “Walt Disney Imagineering. The mid-2010s.”]
Rowling [v/o]: What do you bloody No-majes want now?
[Cut back to the conference room with J.K. Rowling, Artie, and Wealthy Businessman. Artie is drinking from his flask and Wealth Businessman has a set of car keys dangling from his ear.]
Wealthy Businessman [v/o]: Well, Ms. Rowling, I think we can all agree that everyone at this table was a tad…uh…uncharacteristically short sighted the first time.
Artie: We could go all day about “who wildly underestimated who.” The point is, we’re ready to give you a 2nd chance.
[She takes out a $100 bill and blows her nose with it, then throws it away.]
Rowling: [Smug] I’m afraid that ship has sailed, gentlemen. I sold the theme park rights to Harry Potter-
Artie: We know! We know. That is why we proposing something even more magical. Prepare yourself for everyone’s new favorite vacation destination…
[Wealthy Businessman holds up a piece of paper with the cover of another J.K. Rowling book that is unrelated to Harry Potter, “The Casual Vacancy.” The paper has the added word, “Land!!!!!!”]
Artie and Wealthy Businessman: THE CASUAL VACANCY LAND!
Rowling: You read that? I didn’t even read it.
Wealthy Businessman: Of course we didn’t read it! But, that’s never stopped us before!
Artie: [Holding a picture of a vacant lot] Just look at this beautiful concept art!
Rowling: That’s a vacant lot.
Artie: Umm, a “Casual” vacant lot! Huh?
[Rowling is Unimpressed]
Artie and Wealthy Business man: Huh?
Rowling: [Sighs and gathers her purse, phone, and Spectrespecs] This, [Points at them then herself] This right here. This is why I hate Americans.
[She then leaves room. Artie and Wealthy Businessman are depressed and silent for a few seconds. Wealthy Businessman crumple up the paper for Casual Vacancy Land. Artie tries to drink from his flask, but it’s empty. Wealthy Businessman throws the key off of his ear.]
Artie: You want to build Star Wars land?
Wealthy Businessman: YOU FOOL, THAT WILL NEVER-yeah, okay.
[John Williams’ Star Wars theme plays. Cut back to Jerk who looks back at Star Tours: The Adventures Continue.]
Jerk: Meh, the kids seem to like it.
Jerk [v/o]: Will Star Wars land even further redefine the theme park experience when it opens in 2019 or so?
[Cut to a clip from the film “What If,” which features Daniel Radcliffe and Adam Driver, who also plays Kylo Ren in Star Wars: The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi]
Jerk [v/o]: Will Kylo Ren’s mastery of the force finally defeat Mr. Potter? [Cut to a clip from It’s A Wonderful Life] Will George Bailey finally defeat Mr. Potter and use Clarence’s time turner to turn the Wizarding World back into Bedford Falls? Only time will tell. But until then, give ‘em hell, Harry!
[Cut to jerk back in front of Hogwarts]
Jerk: And you know what? My weight problem is no one’s fault but my own. Now, I wasn’t always this obese. I was able to barely squeeze onto Forbidden Journey in the past and damn it, I can do it again! [He turns to the castle] As Godrey [“Godric”] Gryffindor as my witness, I will be jostled around for 4 minutes!
[We then Cut to Jerk at a gym, wearing the same clothes. He goes on a n exercise bike, but does not pedal, he simply stares at the monitor and holds his arms out like he’s pretending to fly. He then goes beside a treadmill and intensely stares at it, even motioning with his hands, “I’m watching you!” He stares at another piece of exercise equipment while eating potato chips. We then cut to his eyes, giving intense stares. We then cut back to the test seat as Doggans and Spazz Master try to fit Jerk in, to no avail.]
Spazz Master: Sorry, man.
Doggans: [To Spazz] You want to get a Butterbeer?
Spazz: Hell, yeah!
[They leave Jerk, who is confused]
Jerk: How much more must I stare?
[We then Cut to Jerk, drinking a glass of Butterbeer in front of a moving wanted poster of Sirius Black. Jerk is drunk]
Jerk: [To the poster] I tell you, Sirial [Sirius], it’s all a conspiracy, man! They fill you up with candy and Butterbeer [beat] and then the British food makes you throw up, so there’s even more candy and Butterbeer! I don’t have to put up with this shame fattening, it’s time to do what’s right and what easy! [He then pulls out his phone.] “#WTFU” “Where’s The Fat Universal?” [Puts phone away] There, [chuckles] that ought to solve everything! [Cut to black with the caption, “Forthy Seconds later, then back to Jerk, holding his phone] DAMN IT, IT SOLVED NOTHING! THAT”S IT, I’M TAKING THIS TO THE STREETS! [Cut to Jerk in an empty parking lot with a sign that reads:] “WHERE’S THE FAT UNIVERSAL?! “WHERE’S THE FAT UNIVERSAL?! “WHERE’S THE FAT UNIVERSAL?!
[We see the Nostalgia Critic walking by him, on his cell phone when he notices Jerk.]
Nostalgia Critic: [Under his breath] Christ. [He then walks up to him and says.] That’s not what that stands for.
Jerk: YOU’RE A…stand! [Goes back to yelling] “WHERE’S THE FAT U-“ [Critic stops him]
NC: Can I ask you a question?
Jerk: YOU JUST DID! HA HA HA!
NC: Yes, very amusing. Jerk, what is that around your waist?
Jerk: [we cut down to see:] It’s a sweatshirt.
NC: You brought a sweatshirt to Universal Hollywood?
Jerk: Yeah, in case it got cold later.
NC: [Sarcastic] Right, all those blizzards Hollywood always get!
Jerk: Dude, have you seen those rooftops? Why else would they be white?
NC: [Silent for a few seconds from that idiocy] Has that been around your waist every time you’ve tried the test seat?
Jerk: [Confused] Is that relevant?
[NC Looks at him like an idiot as we cut back to outside Hogwarts as we hear Jerk inside.]
Jerk [v/o]: BEST. RIDE, EVER!
[We then cut to the end credits to Tony’s “Sirius Black” parody song. Midway, we cut back to the Hitler oven Salesman.]
Salesman/Jerk: GET THE WHILE THEY’RE OFFENSIVE! CAN’T TELL YOUR BELOVED RELATIVES FROM A PILE OF SCHMALTZ WITHOUT A HITLER OVEN! [Sees a customer, also played by Jerk] You, sir, can I interest you in a Hilter Oven?
Customer/Jerk: Hmm, I don’t know, you got any Dahmer fridges?
Salesman/Jerk: Sorry, fresh out. But, we do have Bundy knives, Jim Jones elixers, and Bin Laden planes. They’re right inside the Hitler over, climb on in!
Customer/Jerk: Why, thank you, I think I’ll… [Realizes} Hey, wait a minute! [Laughs]
Salesman/Jerk: I almost had you!
Customer/Jerk: Oh, you!
[Static cut back to the credits to “Sirius Black {In the Style of Glee)” then to the Channel Awesome Logo]
The End