NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Camera pan of the scene around him
NC (voiceover): I'm here in Oak Park, Illinois, where we are witnessing the largest gathering in Illinois--if not the United States!--of Harry Potter fans, who have all gathered here together to celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book, (normal) Harry Potter and the Dorky Hollows. Ah ah, Deadly Hallows. (vo) Literally thousands of children, parents, and very lonely adults have come out here to see (normal) what J.K. Rowling has farted up this time.
Harry Potter: Exactly.
NC: Now I know what you're thinking: "How is this a Nostalgic event?" Well when you think about it, there's actually a lot of Nostalgia value here.
NC (vo): Years from now, children are gonna be looking back at this cherished day and be asking one question:
NC: "Why did I wait hours in line for a book that I am most likely gonna sell at a garage sale?"
Montage of scenes of the event
NC (speaking to an employee): Alright, so what exactly is your job here tonight?
Employee: Making sure everyone is in the right line, at the right place and nobody's fighting over their spot.
NC: Have any brawls/fights broken out yet?
Employee: We've had, um, arguments.
NC: No I mean like brawls-
Employee: No brawls, no fists, no, no fists.
NC: You haven't had to break out the Harry bats?
Employee: No, no, no Harry batter.
NC (shocked): Do you have Harry bats?
Employee: I hope not...
NC (in front of an event item stand): They actually have a "Potter's Butter Beer." Because nothing celebrates the release of a children's book like getting plastered off your ass.
Adult Fan: This is Griff, this is a baby griffon. It's actually my daughter's.
NC: That's your daughter?!
Adult Fan: No no no, this is not my daughter.
NC: Oh, okay. I was gonna say, cause the father must've...hahaha, yeah.
Adult Fan: Well, uh, we won't go into that.
Hagrid: You're meddlin' in things that ought not to be meddled in!
NC: So does he bite at all?
Adult Fan: Oh no no no. He's young.
NC (putting his finger into Griff's mouth): OWOWOWOW!
NC: Everybody's dressed up here.
NC (vo): I haven't seen so many wizards and fairies (normal) since last year's Gay Pride Parade.
NC (talking to Harry Potter Look-Alike): Now there's a rumor going around that you're actually the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo, what do you think about that?
Harry Potter: SHUT UP!
NC (vo): This is a very exciting stage production that they're doing, it's called, uh, (normal) "Harry Potter and the Winding Up of the Electric Cord." (vo) As you can see... (normal) he's a method actor.
Snape: Fame isn't everything.
NC (talking to a dressed-up fan): Now I gotta ask you, um, what poor sheep died to give you that beard?
NC: I have some Harry Potter Jelly Beans.
NC (vo): The funny thing about Harry Potter jelly beans (normal) is that, I'm not kidding, (vo) there's a vomit flavored bean in here. (normal) Which I find kinda ironic 'cause really eating any of these jelly beans creates kind of a vomiting sensation.
Eats some jelly beans, gets sick
Hagrid: Looks like he's gonna be sick!
NC pretends to vomit into his hat
NC (talking to bearded fan again): Okay, what bathroom rug gave up its life to give you that beard?
NC: Alright, so I'm here with the very first people in line for the Harry Potter book, now how long have you guys been here?
Teenaged fan: Technically we weren't in line until 11:00.
NC: It's 11:13...
Teenaged fan: Yeah.
Teenaged fan: How long have you been in line?
NC: I just got here.
Teenaged fan: Uh-huh, well you call yourself a Harry Potter fan?
NC: No, I don't! Frodo would kick Harry's ass.
NC (coming across a man dressed as a wizard): GANDALF! Thank God! Look, these Harry Potter people are a little WOOHOO! How's it going, how's Frodo?
Gandalf: He's doing very well, very well.
NC: How's him and Sam? How's the...you know, you saw the movie. Come on, him and Sam were...
Gandalf: He's in the Grey Haven.
NC: Is that what they're calling it, the Grey Havens?
Gandalf: Yeah, one fantasy land's another fantasy land.
NC: Did Gandalf wear glasses?
Hagrid: No more questions!
NC (back with "first fans"): I have to admit, I admire you that you'd wait here for a whole...you know, 13 minutes.
Teenaged fan: Hey!
NC: But unfortunately this spot WAS reserved... by me.
Teenaged fan: I will kill you.
NC: Yeah, I'm just gonna sit here, alright... first one to get the book! Oh what're they gonna do, does he have a wand? Is he gonna turn me into a toad?
Teenaged fan: No, he has a gun.
NC: He has a GUN? Yeah, let's go before he shoots us.
He runs away as the Road Runner sound effects play
NC: I'm here at the end of the line for the Harry Potter book. These are the four unfortunate people who will most likely NOT get a book, because they are the last in line. (addressing closest fan to him) But you're very lucky, 'cause I have something special for you, these are Harry Potter Cliffnotes. Now they usually go for a thousand, but you know, I like you guys, you look very straightforward, so I'll give them to you for $2,000 and, uh, your first born child. ...alright, alright, second born child.
one of the fans hands him a dollar
NC: I'll take it.
Takes the dollar and hands them the envelope
NC runs away to Benny Hill theme
NC: Alright, so I'm here with the Mugglenet.com people, am I right, you guys talk about all sorts of theories and conspiracy theories about Harry Potter and so on, so forth, correct?
Mugglenet Rep: That's right.
NC: Did Harry cause 9/11?
Mugglenet Rep: I think so...
NC: Is he responsible for the war in Iraq?
Mugglenet Rep 2: Fred Phelps would tell you that. (laughs)
NC: That means yes, that means yes, Harry caused the war in Iraq, email--that address, right there--email it to him, send angry letters.
Mugglenet Rep: You're putting words in his mouth, sir.
NC: Am I? Wait, get a shot of his mouth.
Uses hand to control Rep 2's mouth
Mugglenet Rep 2 (controlled by NC): Harry caused the war in Iraq!
NC: See, you heard it right here, you heard it right here.
Mugglenet Rep: Are those Deathly Hallows Cliffnotes?
NC: Yeah, they're Cliffnotes. You want 'em? I'll sell 'em to you for a thousand...pennies.
Mugglenet Rep: That's a good deal dude, that's a good deal.
Hagrid: It's top secret, that is.
NC: Well it's just about 10 minutes until the books are about to be released, let's go look at the lines!
Montage of the lines
NC: That was the line for the books that were NOT reserved. This is the line for the books that ARE.
Montage of an even more ridiculous line while the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme plays
NC: It's like 10 times longer! I mean what the hell...IT'S RESERVED! Isn't that the idea of reserving a book, so you don't HAVE to stand in line? Is that some kind of like Hogwarts logic, I mean it makes no sense! I think it's because Americans are proud of waiting in line. I don't know why, we just get a sick thrill out of it. Standing in one spot is not hard. Anyone can do it. *I* can do it! Watch! ...You see? Now gimme a book.
NC (talking through a window to a bookstore employee): Ten minutes! Ten minutes! Come on, eight, eight minutes! In Hogwarts it's 12:00!
Kilt Man: Exactly.
NC: "Exactly." This coming from a man in a skirt.
Someone offscreen: It's not a skirt! It's a kilt!
NC: Actually, what are you? What are you dressed as?
Kilt man: This is my normal wear.
NC (horrified): I apologize from everyone in America. My brain sometimes just dies on me. Stupid white American! (nervous laughter) I don't know anything. Just don't...uh...don't...
NC runs away to Benny Hill Theme
Hagrid: I shouldn't have said that...
NC: Alright, it's two minutes till the Harry Potter book, I don't know if there's anything really to be excited about...
The crowd roars behind him
NC: They seem to be excited. We'll just see how it goes.
Mugglenet Rep (on megaphone): One minute now.
NC: One minute.
Cut to the crowd counting down the last 10 seconds; NC begins screeching like a little girl, along with the crowd, getting so riled up he strips off his NC jacket, hat and tie
Hermione: That's totally barbaric!
NC (vo): Well, first of all I apologize for the reaction I had before, I was just (normal) vocalizing my disgust for the entire thing, it's just totally revolting but, uh, here it is! Here's the copy, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Man, I'm looking forward to hundreds and hundreds of pages to see how this turns-
He simply opens to the back of the book
NC: He lives. $30 wasted, I'm goin' to Hooters.
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Curse of the Commercials · Sucker Punch
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month