October 2, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then the Nostalgia-Ween opening is shown. This year, 2019, it parodies the opening of the TV series Unsolved Mysteries. It opens with the title Channel Awesome's Nostalgiaween zooming in on the screen, just as the original Unsolved Mysteries title did. Then we are treated to footage of Silence of the Lambs. Throughout, the Critic is heard speaking in a deep voice, a la Robert Stack, the original host of Unsolved Mysteries)
NC (vo): 1991: Silence of the Lambs is released in theaters. It shocks audiences and delights critics...
(Cut then to a shot of the two lead actors in the movie, Anthony Hopkins (Dr. Hannibal Lecter) and Jodie Foster (Clarice Starling), at the Academy Awards)
NC (vo): ...winning several Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actress, and Best Actor for Anthony Hopkins' chilling portrayal...
(More footage of Hannibal in the movie is shown)
NC (vo): ...as a new form of movie monster, Hannibal the Cannibal.
(Now cut to footage of the 2001 sequel, Hannibal)
NC (vo): Ten years later, a sequel is released, this time with the director of Alien attached. It hyped up audiences, excited horror fans, and afterwards got people asking, (Image of Ridley Scott briefly appears) "You okay, Ridley Scott? You okay?" So, how can a sequel so bent for success turn out an unscrubbed hustling rube with no taste?
(Now cut to a foggy cityscape, with NC walking up, dressed in a trenchcoat, also in the style of Robert Stack, who also wore a trenchcoat on the show)
NC: Perhaps you can help us solve an unsolved enigma. I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween.
(From here, the show's title sequence is furthered parodied as the purple bars from that show are displayed, with the following words sliding down: "Nostalgia Critic", "Fava Beans", "Brains", "Silence of the Lambs", "Shoes", "Pigs", "Licking Sound Effect", "Lambs", "WTF?!", "Nostalgia Ween". The bars disappear and the word "Reviewed" zooms into the screen, as we are then shown a montage of clips of past Nostalgia-Ween episodes. The screen fades out as the bars return to take their place in the center of the screen. The words "Channel Awesome's Nostalgiaween" appear on the screen. The titles are replaced by the usual credits of the show's cast and crew. Then the review begins for real, opening on Hyper Fangirl sitting in an office chair in front of a desk)
HFG: (sighs) Thank you so much for allowing me into your asylum, Benny.
(It is revealed that the person she is addressing, sitting at his desk, is Benny the Assassin)
Benny: Well, I only hold on to the crazies I can think can still be saved.
HFG: Is he faring any better?
Benny: He's a complicated man, lost in his own world. But he carries a lot of insight. Perhaps a familiar face can bring him back to us. You are his taste, so to speak.
HFG: (giggles) Oh, I'll see what I can do.
Benny: Hmm... (gestures to the left, his right) Through that door; the very last cell. Stay to the right.
HFG: Oh, it's a good thing you said that, 'cause I was gonna hug the wall with all the crazy people on it.
Benny: You have no idea how many people make that mistake.
(Cut to the prison itself, a dingy dungeon. HFG walks down the hall casually, but becomes nervous as she passes by signs showing the prisoners' names, followed by cells containing the prisoners themselves. First, she sees a sign reading, "Hollywood Chart Guys". Inside the cell are the Chart Guys (Rob and Malcolm), who are reading from a binder labeled "Monsters are Cool and Bad People are Bad" (among other things, including "The Haunted Mansion" and "The Hobbit Part Four"))
Chart Guy 1 (Malcolm): I don't get it. This should've been a hit. (both look up)
Chart Guy 2 (Rob): (sniffs the air, then leans in toward HFG menacingly) I can smell your chart!
(HFG nods nervously and continues on her way. Next, she passes a sign reading, "YouTube Representative". This person, played by Jim, is pacing around his room)
YouTube representative: (speaking very quickly) It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, everything's fine! We got everything under control! Everything's fine! (cackles, then looks toward HFG) And guess what, we just changed the algorithm again. Good luck trying to figure that one out! (cackles again)
(Smiling nervously, HFG gives him a thumbs-up and continues along. Now she approaches a sign reading, "Obnoxious Online Critic". In this cell is the Nostalgia Critic, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween jacket. HFG smiles as she realizes she has found who she was looking for)
NC: (imitating Hannibal Lecter) Good morning.
HFG: Hi, Critic! Hey, I was wondering if you knew–
NC: You were wondering if I knew why Silence of the Lambs was such a masterpiece and its sequel, Hannibal, such a turd.
HFG: (nods awkwardly) Okay, I guess we can talk about that.
NC: They locked me in here because of my views, you know. Seen as too unconventional, (stares, wide-eyed) too dangerous...
HFG: Well, you did make fun of the Aladdin remake.
(NC opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the sound of another voice behind him)
(NC looks behind him to see who said that. It's the two Chart Guys in the same cell as him)
Chart Guy: Naomi Scott is a treasure!
NC: An okay singer, though.
Chart Guys: (in unison) Oh, my God! (continue to speak inaudibly over HFG's line...)
HFG: How can you even say that, she's a treasure?! (She and the Chart Guys continue to argue, but the latter two's dialogue is too inaudible to make out) She was our princess, for God's sakes!
NC: (interrupting loudly; normal voice) We're getting off-subject; let's talk about Hannibal!
(The film's title is shown, before we are shown its clips)
NC (vo): The highest-grossing of the Thomas Harris movie series, Hannibal had a lot of hype when it first came out. It was everywhere. People were psyched to see their favorite elegant cannibal return to the big screen. The reactions afterwards, though, were less than stellar, with critics not giving it the best reviews, and a lot of people acknowledging something just felt off about it. But it was hard to point out what it was. It seemed to have the same chills, the same gore, the same weirdness that drew so many people to its predecessor, so why was this strangeness not as well accepted as the previous strangeness?
HFG: Yeah, I never really figured that out either.
NC: (as Hannibal Lecter again) And you want to see if I can help you solve the mystery?
HFG: If it gives you something to do.
NC: (staring at the camera in close-up) You see, Ridley Scott is trying to test me, so I ate his script for Gladiator 2...
HFG: That's gonna be a thing?
NC: Totally is, look it up...with some fava beans and whatever wine he recommended in that movie The Good Year that nobody saw and I didn't see, either, 'cause you know it's The Good Year. Who the hell saw The Good Year?
(After a short beat, he does Lecter's iconic hissing sound effect with his tongue, but he continues to do it for an overly-long time and gets more over-the-top with it, confusing HFG, and she gets more confused when NC resumes smiling creepily, though his tongue sounds is still heard. Eventually, it stops)
HFG: It's your time, man; there's a lot of movie to cover.
NC: Good point. This is Hannibal. (hisses one last time)
(The opening credits are shown, followed by the opening scene)
NC (vo; normal again): The credits play as we see Nurse Barney from the first film talking with a (Shot of a dying Spock from Star Trek II appears briefly off to the side) dying Spock– Oh, I mean, one of Lecter's victims named Mason [Verger], played by Gary Oldman.
NC: Or was it...
(Verger is shown again, along wit a shot of...)
NC (vo): ...the Eraserhead baby grown up?
Verger: I saw Clarice Starling and Hannibal Lecter became...friendly.
NC (vo): I guess we're supposed to fear/feel sorry for him, but his voice is so goofy he keeps coming across as a Jim Carrey character.
Verger: And when the fox hears the rabbit scream, he comes a-runnin'...
(Cut to a clip of How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
Grinch (Jim Carrey): (looking at his schedule) "5:00: Solve world hunger – tell no one".
(Cut back to Hannibal)
Verger: Well, I can list his most conspicuous features.
(Cut to another clip of The Grinch)
Grinch: (wearing a lederhosen) I'll swing by for a minute, allow them to envy me...
(Cut back to Hannibal)
Verger: Let's say it with the respect it deserves.
(Cut back again to The Grinch)
Grinch: (wearing a dress) It's not a dress, it's a kilt!
(Cut back to Hannibal, showing an overhead view of a city street showing a whole pigeons swooping down together to form the face person, then flying off when a van pulls up)
NC (vo): We cut to a pigeon Magic Eye, which doesn't serve the plot at all, but this is when Ridley Scott stopped being an artist and started being an...
NC: (overemphasizing, with a flourish of arms) ...artiste.
(As he says this, posters of recent Scott-directed movies appear around him: Prometheus, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Alien: Covenant, and Kingdom of Heaven)
NC (vo): We see Clarice Starling, played this time by Julianne Moore, because Jodie Foster basically said this movie was stupid...
NC: Fair, but you did direct this. (Poster for The Beaver pops up)
NC (vo): ...who's getting ready to take on a drug raid.
Officer (Terry Serpico): (to Starling) Excuse me, I'm Officer Bolton. I'm in charge here.
Starling: I'm here because I know of how the drum'll go. I'm here for the drugs and weapons. You're here because our mayor wants to appear tough on drugs.
NC: (as Clarice) Now I'm here to give you that scene where the spunky new cop takes control from the stubborn old cop. I expect this to go smoothly.
Bolton: You got a smart mouth, lady.
NC: (as Starling) He's upset? Name me one other movie where that happened–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted as not one but several movies where that happens are listed out on the screen: The Fugitive, Judge Dredd, Black Rain, Lethal Weapon 3, Internal Affairs, Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, Striking Distance, Cobra, Street Kings, The Man, and Rush Hour)
NC: (as Starling) Wow, we're behind on this.
NC (vo): Clarice sees one of the criminals is holding a baby, and she orders them to back down. But Officer Stubbypants goes ahead anyway, and there's a big shootout. The lady with the baby shoots Clarice with an uzi, but she manages to take her down without hitting the kid.
(Starling tends to the baby briefly)
NC (vo): Damn! Even after being shot, she still nailed her!
NC: Holy smokes, she should get a medal, man–
(But instead, Starling gets reamed out by BATF Agent Bob Sneed (Ted Koch))
Sneed: The woman had a baby in her arms. Is that how you define "good judgment"?
Starling: In my regret, I resent myself for it.
NC: (confused) To quote Fargo...
(A clip of Fargo is shown)
Jerry Lundegaard (William H. Macy): Huh?
(Back to Hannibal, where Starling's alleged lack of judgment, which cost five people their lives (as seen on the headline of one newspaper), is in the news and she is disgraced for it. On a TV, Starling is taken away in a black car)
NC (vo): Yeah, her name is disgraced all over the papers. Even on the front page, it says she shot a woman holding a baby.
(The shootout between Starling and the woman with the baby is shown again)
NC (vo): And an uzi. With bullets flying out of them. Half of them in you!
NC: Am I missing something?!
NC (vo): I mean, I know it's not protocol and it's technically wrong, but from a writing standpoint, wouldn't it make sense to disgrace Clarice over a bigger mistake? Like, maybe the lady wasn't armed, or Clarice said go ahead with the raid instead of the other guy. Something everybody would be like, "Holy smokes, I can't believe she did that!" Here, she fires in self-defense with bullets already hitting her and she nails the shooter, saving the baby. Honestly, I feel like if most people heard "Baby Saved From Crime Lord Unharmed", this wouldn't be a front-page smear piece. Unless I'm missing something, which I totally could be, I feel like most people would be like...
(Cut briefly to a clip of Robocop, showing the title character getting hit with bullets from a hostage holder's gun, but not being harmed by them, instead shooting the holder without hitting the victim, allowing the victim to escape)
NC (vo): ..."Holy shit, Clarice is Robocop!"
(Cut back to footage of the shootout in Hannibal)
NC (vo): "Oh, I mean, this is traumatizing in this...totally realistic movie where the action scenes aren't cliched...and there's fruit carts and...people eat other people..." Yeah, we'll get to that.
(The movie moves on)
Sneed: (to Starling) Everybody's averted.
Starling: Lecter's fourth victim, the only one that survived.
NC (vo): She's demoted to dropping by Larry King's house, as he says he has new information about finding Lecter.
Verger: You know, I thank God for what happened. It was my salvation.
NC: (as Verger) I always wanted to...
(Cut back to Verger)
NC (vo; as Verger): ...look like (image of the following appears in upper-right corner...) the Cryptkeeper microwaved into (image of the following appears in lower-left corner...) a Gelfling.
Verger: Now we met confessionally.
NC (vo): We discover that Lecter got Mason drugged off his ass and convinced him to cut off his own face and feed it to the dogs. (scoffs) That old trick!
Verger: (continuing to speak to Starling) Isn't it funny? You can look at my face, but you shied when I said the name of God.
NC: Now let's never bring this up in the movie again. What did they even argue? (waves dismissively, as though it doesn't matter anymore) Ah, who cares?
NC (vo): Clarice looks over old footage of Lecter attacking a nurse. It's actually one of the few chilling moments in the movie.
NC: That is, until this silliness...
(In the movie, as Lecter attacks the nurse and has to be restrained by other doctors, the sound of a roaring lion is heard, as though coming from Lecter himself)
NC (vo): Yeah, that's a lion sound effect you heard there. You see, we can't put together that he's a predator, so that helps us (dopey voice) dumb moviegoers put the pieces together.
NC: (normal again) Why don't you just put him in the MGM logo to make it even more obvious?
(The MGM logo is shown, but with Leo the Lion replaced by Lecter, who roars in imitation of the lion. The movie then resumes)
NC (vo): Clarice interviews Barney [Matthews], who feels he might still have the session tapes that were recorded of her and Hannibal talking, possibly helping her figure out where he is.
Barney (Frankie R. Faison): (holding up a handful of tapes to Starling) These are valuable. (hands them to her)
NC: (as Barney) By the way, I hear you got a soft spot for lambs. (mock terror) Oh, no! You're gonna kill the lambs! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! (drops terror act) Pansy.
NC (vo): She looks over the pictures from the first film... Because what psycho photographer would snap shots like these? ...as we see Hannibal, played by Anthony Hopkins, is in Florence, trying to get a job at an art museum.
(As Lecter (masquerading as Dr. Fell, an assistant curator) and Chief Inspector Rinaldo Pazzi (Giancarlo Giannini) sit in a room at the museum in question, the latter smokes a cigarette)
NC (vo; as Pazzi): Oh, yeah, you can totally smoke around the ancient relics! We Italians care so little about preserving art!
Pazzi: (to Lecter) Are the signore's personal effects still at the palazzo?
Lecter as Fell: Mm-hmm...
NC (vo): This is Inspector Pazzi, played by Giancarlo Giannini, who's inspecting the disappearance of his predecessor. Now, in the book, Lecter got plastic surgery so no one would recognize him. Thankfully, in the movie, Florence is just full of idiots.
Lecter as Fell: (to Pazzi) You were on the Il Mostro case, I'm sure I read.
Pazzi: Yes, that's right.
Lecter as Fell: This is much less grand a case, I would think.
NC (vo): So while the big draw in this movie is obviously supposed to be Hannibal and Clarice...
(He makes weighing motions with his hands as a clip of Lecter and Pazzi is displayed in the corner)
NC: ...these two kinda have better chemistry.
NC (vo): Lecter's ability to push his buttons while playing naive works wonderfully with the Inspector's shaky nerves and grouchy demeanor. Both try to play each other and always give the impression they know far less than they really do.
Lecter as Fell: (to Pazzi) Your ancestors hanged, writing and kicking alongside the archbishop. Were you unfairly dismissed from the grander case, or did you deserve it?
Pazzi: (looking at a trunk in the room) Is that the inventory?
Lecter as Fell: Yes.
Pazzi: May I see it?
Lecter as Fell: (smoking a cigarette) Of course. (smiles)
(Earlier scenes of Starling and Verger are shown)
NC (vo): I know it's gonna sound strange, but if you replaced Clarice's drama and Egg Drop Soup Muppet's subplot...
(Cut back to Lecter and Pazzi)
NC (vo): ...with only these two, the movie probably would have been more interesting.
(Lecter puts a letter in a manila envelope and sends it to Clarice, who takes in a room which is partially lit as though on fire)
NC (vo): But he still has the hots for Clarice, as he sends her a letter saying he misses the good old days.
(Starling looks at the letter)
Lecter's letter: "Dear Clarice..."
NC (vo): WAZZAP!
Lecter's letter: "...I have followed with enthusiasm the course of your disgrace and public shaming. My own never bothered me."
NC: She's also so wrapped up in his words, she's missing that...
(He notices the glowing light behind her)
NC (vo): ...her lab is on fire! (A raging fire sound is heard, while NC speaks as The Brain) Pinky, I told you not to light the gerbil sacrifice yet. (He then speaks as Pinky) D'oh! Sorry, Brain.
(Starling holds the letter close to her face and sniffs it)
NC (vo): She notices the letter has a certain fragrance, so she takes it to an expert to see if it can be narrowed down.
(The expert in question takes a whiff of the letter while holding it on a pair of tongs and then grimaces at the scent)
NC (vo; as the expert): Yep, he definitely farted on it.
Expert (Mark Margolis): You'd almost certainly find it somewhere in Paris, Rome, Amsterdam...
NC: I'm sorry, I can't understand you unless you use a bell.
(As he says this, he wiggles his finger like a bell, as an image of Margolis as Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad appears in the corner)
NC (vo): The Inspector does some research and finds Lecter on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list. (One of them, apparently, is Osama Bin Laden) Well, we know this was shot before September. He also discovers there's a massive reward from Humpty Dumpty [meaning Mason Verger] to bring him in alive. Meanwhile, Ray Liotta plays a pervy assistant D.A. [Paul Krendler] who's interested in getting Lecter and looking at (silly voice) Post-It-covered boobies! Doo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo!
Krendler: (to Starling) If you work with me, then your so-called career here might improve. All I have to do is draw a line through your name rather than under it.
NC: (waving dismissively) He'll get out of this fine.
HFG: I don't know. Why does this feel...forced? I mean, the first movie had hints that being a woman in the FBI was rough, but this feels...
NC: Like it's bashing you over the head with it?
(Footage of the original Silence of the Lambs is shown)
NC (vo): In the original, it was subtle. You can watch it and almost not even notice it. There's a sense that people don't take her seriously, but it's never flat-out said.
(Now cut back to Hannibal)
NC (vo): Here, it's flat-out said, because everything is so over the top.
Starling: (to Krendler) I told you to go home to your wife. That was wrong.
Krendler: This town is full of corn pone country pussy.
(More footage of the original Silence is shown)
NC (vo): That's what made the original so scary. Even though it discussed weird things, it did so in a realistic way, a way that showed you the ugliness of the world, rather than advertise it. It's the different between a friend telling you about a good car...
(Back to Hannibal again)
NC (vo): ...and a salesman telling you about a good car. You feel the manipulation, and it's hugely distracting.
NC: (as Hannibal Lecter again) But quid pro quo, Hyper, quid pro quo... (smiles creepily)
HFG: Okay, what do you want?
NC: What do you think I want?
HFG: I don't know.
NC: Why don't you know?
HFG: You're not gonna tell me?
NC: Would you like it if I told you?
HFG: ...You don't know what "quid pro quo" means, do you?
NC: Of course I do. (HFG waits patiently for him to explain) A British sport?
HFG: Oh, really?
NC: (normal again, frustrated) I just wanna look smart!
NC (vo): The Inspector finds out he can get an advance on Lecter's reward if he supplies a fingerprint. So he drops by Lecter's home.
Pazzi: (entering Lecter's home) Dr. Fell? Dr. Fell?
(He sees several suitcases in the center of a room)
NC (vo; as Lecter): I'm in one of these suitcases; figure out which one!
(Behind Pazzi, Lecter as Dr. Fell takes a picture. The clicking from the camera starts Pazzi, who looks over toward Lecter)
NC: (as Lecter) I enjoy taking random pictures for no reason. In fifteen years, (The Instagram logo is displayed in the corner) it's gonna be a big thing. (nods)
Lecter: You are a... Pazzi, of the Pazzi family, I think. (Pazzi nods)
NC: (as Lecter) Oh, I'm gonna ride that symbolic horse to the races!
NC (vo): He says his heater is broken, so he puts on some gloves – while leaving his bare feet completely out.
Lecter: People don't always tell me what they're thinking. They just see to it you don't...advance in life.
HFG: Again, something about this doesn't feel right. A scene like this in the first one was so creepy, but here, it's just not.
NC: Oh, that's because the first one knew how to shoot Lecter.
(More footage of the original is shown, showing Lecter there)
NC (vo): This guy was in his mid-50s. Not exactly the scariest of threats, but the film knew to keep the lighting from above; rarely have next to anyone else so you can't get an idea of how big he is, and always have him in dark, confining environments so you're always aware you're dealing with a psychopath.
(Now footage of Lecter in the sequel is shown)
NC (vo): Here, you can see he's a pudgy little old man in his 60s, because he's shot like everyone else. Once in a while, you'll get a creepy shot, but it's often ruined by a little thing like... oh, I don't know, having him in his PJs, barefoot! Oh, and saying lines like this doesn't help...
Lecter: (to Pazzi) Okie-dokie.
NC: (jumps back, yelping) The horrifying call of the cartoon plumber! (An image of Mario appears in the corner)
NC (vo): The Inspector hires a thief to track down Lecter to get a thumbprint on a bracelet.
(Said thief is a pickpocket who goes to Via Porta Rossa. There is a poster that reads "Gambrinus" hanging on the wall, with a picture of Ridley Scott himself on it, as a green arrow pointing to it shows)
NC (vo; as Scott): My name is Ridley Scott, and I will have my cameo in this film or my next.
(While the pickpocket looks at a spinning rack of postcards outside one store, Lecter himself walks by him. His coat waves in the wind, making a loud whooshing sound as it does so)
NC: (as Lecter) Sorry, my coat is very loud when pretentious directors are filming it.
(The pickpocket sees Lecter and starts to stalk him, trying to keep a safe distance so he won't be seen. Meanwhile, Lecter makes what looks like chewing motions with his mouth)
NC: (confused) To quote Sideways...
(The scene of Lecter "chewing" is shown again, with a clip of Sideways appearing in the upper-right corner)
Miles (Paul Giamatti): Are you chewing gum?
NC (vo): Yeah, another word of advice: Hannibal's not very scary when he looks like a cow munching grass. (as Lecter, making chewing sounds) So I said fava beans and a nice Chianti... (makes spitting sound) Sorry, it's, uh... yeah, creepier when I don't have Bubblelicious.
(Lecter finds the pickpocket, however, and stabs him, mortally wounding him)
NC (vo): Lecter stabs the guy and he's weirdly almost happy about it.
(Pazzi comes up to the pickpocket, who explains what happened)
Pickpocket: He tried to hit me in the balls. But he missed.
NC: (as pickpocket, smiling) It's funny if you think about it. I mean, I'm not thinking about it; I'm dying in agonizing pain. But you can think about it. (laughs, then leans his head to the side with his eyes rolled up as if dead)
Pazzi: (reaching out to claim Lecter's fingerprint the pickpocket has) Let me help you.
Pickpocket: No, don't!
(The pickpocket gasps for breath while giving him the fingerprint, then falls over, dead, with his eyes rolled up)
NC (vo; as Pazzi): You're a weird guy and I hope to forget you quickly.
NC: You know, things weren't goofy enough. This should up the what-the-hell.
(The next scene shows an outdoor opera, where a soprano is heard singing Vide Cor Meum. Here, a winged goblin tries to smile for the show)
NC: More scenes need to end with a goblin shitting.
(The scene of the goblin is shown again, this time with a long farting sound added in)
NC (vo): The Inspector sees Hannibal at the opera and introduces him to his wife.
Pazzi: (to his wife, Allegra [Francesca Neri]) This is Dr. Fell. (Lecter kisses Allegra's hand)
NC: (as Allegra, holding up his own hand) That's weird, he bit my hand.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Clarice continues her search for Hannibal, because there's not enough of her just staring at shit in her office, when she finally sees him on a security camera.
(The camera zooms in on a freeze-frame shot of Lecter on the camera)
NC (vo): (as Starling runs (in slow motion for some reason) over to a phone) Stupid frame rate away! She calls Pazzi's department where she got the footage.
(At Pazzi's department, an aide of his picks up the phone, then tries to get his attention)
Aide: (whispering) FBI!
Pazzi: (also whispering) I'm not here. (Aide hangs up phone as Pazzi picks up another phone) Pazzi.
NC (vo; as Pazzi): I'm not here.
Clarice: (on phone) You're trying to catch him yourself, aren't you? He killed three policemen; he'll kill you, too! (Pazzi, having heard enough, slams down phone, which echos dramatically)
NC: He'll be fine.
NC (vo): You know, the style is less American Silence of the Lambs and more Italian The Crow, which wouldn't be too bad if it had more interesting stuff to say.
(A montage of scenes of Lecter as Fell's dialogue is shown, in which he shows off a carving of the hanging of Judas)
Lecter: Because of his betrayal of the emperor's trust, he died by hanging. / It includes the death by hanging of Judas. / ...make Pier della Vigna, now in Hell... / Avarice, hanging, self-destruction. / Make my own home be my gallows.
NC: Yeah, the metaphors in this movie is, for lack of a better word, stupid.
(A clip of Silence of the Lambs is shown)
NC (vo): In the original, the lambs reflected Clarice's need for purpose, to save what's already destined to be slaughtered.
(Cut back to Hannibal, showing Pazzi meeting Lecter again)
NC (vo): Here, schmuck who's obviously gonna die, is gonna die!
Lecter: (showing off the carving of Judas' hanging) ...Inferno Pier della Vigna's body hangs from a bleeding tree.
NC: (as Lecter) Observe this piece called the Blatant Symbolism. Notice the blatant symbolism.
Lecter: ...speak in strained hisses and coughing sibilants as though he is hanging still...
NC (vo; as Lecter): I'm talking about you, Pazzi! Yousa gonna die!
Lecter: (to Pazzi) I'm giving various serious thought...to eating your wife.
NC: (as Pazzi) You know, nobody does flower...
(Lecter suddenly grabs Pazzi by the ear)
NC (vo; as Pazzi): ...or candies anymore– (makes a muffled gasp on Pazzi's behalf)
(Lecter binds Pazzi up with duct tape, which he also uses to gag Pazzi's mouth shut. Then he puts a rope around Pazzi's neck)
NC (vo): He ties him up and invites him to "hang around", so to speak.
Lecter: Okie-dokie. Here we go. (starts to open a glass door)
NC: (as Lecter) Sorry, tried to turn that into a thing. I really think it's gonna be the next "Jar Jar How Rude".
NC (vo): But Clarice calls the Inspector and Hannibal answers.
(Lecter reaches inside Pazzi's coat and pulls out his cell phone and answers it)
Lecter: (on phone to Starling) Is this Clarice? Ah, hello, Clarice.
NC: (as Lecter, pretending to talk on a phone) Do you know how many people are gonna think this line is from the first film?
Clarice: (on phone) Is he dead?
Lecter: Unfortunately, you've caught me at an awkward moment.
NC: (as Lecter) Making the movie Hannibal.
(Lecter pushes Pazzi toward a balcony on the Palazzo Vecchio)
NC (vo): He hangs up and drags the Inspector to the window. (The street below is full of people) Not sure how nobody notices that! Eh, they're European; why risk a faux pas? (Lecter disembowels Pazzi in the privates) And he cuts him open, throwing him over the balcony.
(As Pazzi goes over the balcony, the rope unravels, knocking things over inside, before Pazzi stops short, hanging and breathing his last. Several onlookers spot the hanged Inspector and laugh)
NC: Next on our point-at-horrific-things-and-laugh tour...
(An image of the D-Day landings is shown)
NC (vo): D-Day...
(The clip of the onlookers laughing is shown again)
(Cut to two separate images of two sad-looking children, a boy and a girl, the former with his head between his knees and the latter wearing a pink hat reading "My little cat")
NC (vo): ...crippled children...
(The clip of the onlookers laughing is shown again)
(The poster for Goldfinch is shown)
NC (vo): ...box office.
(The clip of the onlookers laughing is shown one more time)
HFG: Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused. This is the middle of the movie, and there's been (places her index finger and thumb close together) very little interaction between Hannibal and Clarice, and the guy he's had the most interaction with is dead!
NC: (equally confused) Maybe it's like Heat.
(A shot of the poster for Heat is shown)
NC (vo): Where, even though they barely talk to each other, there's a connection through how much they watch one another.
(Cut back to Hannibal, showing his phone conversation with Starling)
HFG (vo): Except, he doesn't watch her! He barely even mentions her, the more I think about it. He sent one letter and that's it.
(Footage of Lecter's meeting with Pazzi is shown)
HFG (vo): I can see why him and the Inspector had more chemistry, because they're in a situation where they can have chemistry.
NC: Ah, (holds up index finger) but now we get to movie number two.
HFG: Number two?
NC: Yes. The second half...
(Footage of the second half is Hannibal is shown briefly)
NC (vo): ...has nothing to do with Florence. The Inspector is never brought up again. Honestly, you could cut almost everything from Italy and it wouldn't impact the story at all.
HFG: Then why didn't we watch it?!
NC: Because (dramatically, with a flourish of arms) art!
(Footage of the movie's blatant art porn is shown)
NC (vo): Fancy clothes, poetic performers, farting demons! This is the new, deep Ridley Scott we've all had to get accustomed to!
HFG: My God! Did we really think this guy was gonna bring dignity back to Alien?!
NC: Well, he did so well with (Poster for Scott's adaptation of...) Robin Hood.
(And with that, we go to the commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with Mason Verger wearing Hannibal's mask)
NC (vo): So we see Mason wearing Hannibal's mask...
NC: (shrugs) Your kink guessing is as good as mine!
(Verger is now seen in his hospital room)
NC (vo): ...as he plans to continue Clarice's downward career by framing her, making it look like she kept a letter from Hannibal, supposedly sent to her.
Paul Krendler: (dressed up to play tennis) I don't understand why she didn't turn this over.
Verger: Lecter didn't write it. He didn't write it, because I did.
Krendler: Ohhhhh! (bounces tennis ball and laughs)
NC: (dopey laughter) Remember when we weren't all cartoons?
(Suddenly, a cartoon anvil falls down and hits NC on the head, causing him to laugh crazily as he shakes his head around)
NC (vo): She's put on administrative lead as Hannibal breaks into the assistant DA's home.
(As Lecter enters the home, he spots the assistant DA's dog walking up and growling at him. But when he reaches his hand out, the dog backs away, whimpering)
NC (vo; as Lecter): Hello, dog. I was giving very serious thought to eating your wife. (Lecter rummages through the mail) Let me just leave my prints everywhere here...
(He leaves and then goes to a lab to steal some medical supplies)
NC (vo; as Lecter): Let me go steal some stuff, where I'll also leave my prints everywhere...
(He then breaks into Starling's home and steals her glass of alcohol while she is sleeping)
NC (vo; as Lecter): Let me go right to an FBI agent's home, where I'll also leave... Oh, you know the drill by now. (He lifts up Starling's hair) I used to be a criminal mastermind! (He stares in silence at her)
NC: Look at this! He's right in her home! This should be terrifying!
NC (vo): But you don't even see his face, and she's asleep, so what creep factor or insight are we supposed to get out of this?
(Later, after Lecter leaves, Starling's phone and she answers it)
NC (vo): Even when they do finally talk, he just sends her on this scavenger hunt.
(Now Starling is seen driving down the road, while Lecter's voice on the phone is heard in the background)
Lecter (vo): I like to watch you as we speak, with your eyes open. It pleases me. You have very shapely feet.
NC: (shaking head in confusion) Hot.
(As Starling looks around at Union Station, Lecter continues...)
Lecter (vo): They're weak and unruly, believe in nothing...
Starling: (looking around) Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter?
NC (vo): It keeps constantly cutting, as if the suspense should be where Lecter is.
(Cut to Lecter himself, who is seen at Union Station himself. He dons a pair of sunglasses and walks along)
NC (vo): But it shows where he is and what he looks like: an old man from the '90s who said, "I want to look cool this morning," and then stopped halfway because he was too tired.
(Behind Starling, a merry-go-round is motion, with Lecter on it reaching out to touch Starling's hair as he goes by. Startled, she then looks around on the ride, looking for Lecter)
NC (vo): They're not even listening that close, because the camera's always moving and always cutting away, as if the style and movement is masking that there's very little substance or intrigue here.
NC: In the original, it was just their faces; nowhere to hide.
(Footage of the original Silence of the Lambs is shown, emphasizing closeups of Lecter and Starling's faces)
NC (vo): No artsy images to put them against to distract you; it was just two interesting people exposing their deepest vulnerabilities. When you think "Hannibal Lecter, criminal mastermind, stalking Clarice Starling"...
(Cut back to Lecter in Hannibal, as he walks around in a baseball cap and sunglasses, while Clarice discovers a gift from Lecter: a pair of high-heel shoes)
NC (vo): ...do you really think "dumpy guy in a t-shirt and baseball hat gifting her shoes"?
NC: That's not a mastermind, that's Internet Fanboy 101!
(Suddenly, as Lecter walks across the Union Station parking lot, he gets zapped with a taser that knocks him out. Then Verger's henchmen put his unconscious body in the back of a van and drive off just as Starling runs out)
NC (vo): But Mason's men find Lecter and knock him out, as Clarice notices.
(Starling aims her gun at the van, which peels out of the parking lot and drives away fast. She puts her gun away in frustration)
NC (vo; as Starling): Oh, you're lucky you weren't holding a baby!
(Verger's men bring Lecter, strapped to a cart, before him)
NC (vo): He's brought to Mason, who has plans for the captured Caped Crusader– I mean, captured Lecter.
Verger: I guess you wish now...you fed the rest of me to the dogs.
NC: (as Lecter) I'm sorry, who are you?
(Verger's men take the captured Lecter to another room, filled with snarling wild boars)
NC (vo): And what horrifying fate does Mason have planned for Lecter? A death trap filled with giant killer pigs! (beat) Because, to be fair, (Clip of a shark with a laser beam on its head from Austin Powers is superimposed over this scene) sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads just weren't in season!
(The boars press against the gates, trying to break through to get at the helpless Lecter. Suddenly, music from Batman: The Movie (the one from 1966, not 1989) plays in the background)
NC (vo; as Batman narrator): (his words appearing on the screen) How will Hannibal get out of this one? Will he be able to survive the Silence of the Hams? Or will he become the other white meat? Tune in next week... Same Lamb Time... Same Lamb Channel!
(Just then, Starling bursts into the room, gun drawn)
NC (vo): Clarice bursts in to save him while Mason's henchmen try to stop her.
(As the boars continue to press against the fence to break out, Lecter looks towards Starling)
Lecter: Better hurry. This might go faster if you hand me the knife.
NC: Yeah, give the cannibal serial killer the knife. That can't backfire.
(Starling gets shot by one of Verger's goons, but Lecter breaks free and picks her up in his arms as Verger arrives in his wheelchair, pushed around by his assistant, Dr. Cordell Doemling (Željko Ivanek))
NC (vo): She gets shot, but Hannibal escapes and convinces Mason's assistant, Cordell, to toss him in. ...'Cause he bossed him around in two brief scenes. You probably don't even remember seeing them.
NC: I'm sure (A shot of the mime scene from earlier appears in the corner) the mime symbolically represented his pain and you just weren't artsy enough to see it.
(The flatulating demon is shown again, then cut back to the movie in progress)
Lecter: Hey, Cordell, why don't you push him in? You can always say it was me.
NC: (shrugs) Yeah, that's legit funny.
(Cordell pushes Verger into the midst of killer boars and they eat him alive)
NC (vo): Mason is dropped off...
(Meanwhile, Lecter takes Starling to Krendler's lake house, where Krendler arrives, holding a bottle of wine)
NC (vo): ...while Lecter carries Clarice to the assistant DA's lake house where the assistant DA shows up. That's lucky.
(He walks up to the dining room table, only to notice it dark and empty, concerning him. Suddenly, Lecter appears behind him)
Lecter: Good, you brought the wine. (Startled, Krendler turns around to face him)
NC: (as Krendler) Well, I was gonna bring my select honey, (An image of Ray Liotta Honey appears in the corner) but...
(Lecter suddenly covers Krenlder's mouth and nose with a cloth. Screaming a muffled scream, Krendler tries to break free. Meanwhile, Starling, lying on a bed, comes to, wearing a black cocktail dress)
NC (vo): Clarice wakes up in an evening gown, which I'm not sure which is funnier to imagine, Hannibal buying that dress or getting it on her while she's passed out.
NC: (as Lecter, pretending to struggle to put a dress on Starling) Come on, fit into that! Size 6, my ass! (grunts as he "struggles")
NC (vo): ...as he notices she's using the phone to call the police and he checks his watch.
NC: (as Lecter, pretending to check his watch) Yes, I have time to win her over in ten minutes. Or whatever nonsensical bullshit I had planned for tonight.
(Starling and Krendler sit down at the table, both looking quite bloodshot as they have been disoriented by drugs that Lecter had forced on them. Then Lecter walks into the room. He lifts the lid off of a soup bowl, then takes Krendler's baseball cap off of his head)
NC (vo): Clarice is super drugged and sees the assistant DA is drugged, too, leading to a super gory, super bloody, super over-the-top scene–
(Suddenly, NC is interrupted as the YouTube representative appears in the cell with him)
Representative: Nope, you can't show it on YouTube unless you want to be demonetized! (cackles)
NC: (frustrated) Oh, come on!
Representative: Nope! Anything too adult is unsuitable for all advertisers! By the way, that reminds me: we're starting a new rule: anything made for kids will no longer have ads.
HFG: Wait! So, to make money, you have to create kid-friendly videos...that aren't for kids at all?
Representative: You're welcome!
NC: Well, great! How do we get across what happens? It's like the most famous scene in the movie!
HFG: I have an idea.
(NC stares in confusion. Ten minutes later, we see HFG is holding up a jar of something or other (maybe either jelly or relish) that has Ray Liotta's face on the side. She is eating a spoonful of the jar's contents and acts like she's enjoying it in an over-the-top way)
HFG: (acting like Lecter) Mmm! Brain food! You want some more, assistant DA?! (NC is not amused) You know what they say: you are what you eat! (She hisses like Lecter, tongue stuck out and all, then looks toward NC) Was that too silly?
NC: Honestly, not silly enough, (turns back to camera) but it's all we can get away with for now. (shrugs)
NC (vo): It's a pretty silly scene, but I give credit: it does stand out in an otherwise dull flick.
(Starling walks out into the kitchen and sees Lecter come at her with a candlestick. She grabs his arm and wrestles with him, and he forces her over the refrigerator, whose door he opens, causing her ponytail, draped over the edge, to drape down between the door and the fridge, and then closes it, trapping her there by her hair)
NC (vo): Afterwards, Clarice tries to attack Lecter in the kitchen, but he restrains her via fridge ponytail...cuff...as he offers himself to her, but she refuses.
Lecter: Would you ever say to me "Stop"? If you love me and stuff?
Starling: Not in a thousand years.
NC: I guess I should be interested, but honestly, I'm just wondering if...
(The camera shows two cookbooks on top of the fridge, one reading "Vegetarian Times" and the other reading "Southern Cooking")
NC (vo): ...the "Vegetarian Times" book was intentional or not.
NC: It wouldn't be the first time in this movie I couldn't tell if a scene was meant to get a laugh.
(Starling handcuffs herself to Lecter and he retaliates by taking a cleaver with which to cut it off and then puts her hand on the counter)
NC (vo): She handcuffs herself to Lecter, and he threatens to "cut off the fat", so to speak.
Lecter: (hovering cleaver on both sides of the handcuff) Above or below the wrist?
NC (vo; as Anthony Hopkins): I just got done shooting Titus...
(A screenshot of Titus is superimposed over the scene, showing Anthony Hopkins as Titus Andronicus, who does two things that NC describes)
NC (vo; as Hopkins): ...where I both cook people and lose a hand. I'm gonna have the weirdest typecasting!
Lecter: It's really gonna hurt.
NC: So Hannibal cuts off his own hand to escape, but they don't show it that way.
NC (vo): They try to do this fake-out like he cut her hand off and she screams. But afterwards, when you find out, that, of course, begs the question: why the hell did she scream then? (as Julianne Moore) I'm just recreating a man who says he feels the same pain as his pregnant wife. Looks pretty stupid, huh?
NC: (as Moore) Oh, you have morning sickness? (normal again; shouting) YOU AIN'T BALLS!
(As Starling looks around for Lecter outside the lake house, several police cars arrive)
NC (vo): So the police arrive and notify all the airports to keep a lookout for a world-famous cannibal with one hand–
(However, Lecter is already on a plane in the air, with his severed arm in a sling)
NC (vo): Or he gets on the plane with no problem. (The shot of Bin Laden from earlier is shown again) Again, before September.
(A young boy seated next to Lecter spots his food in his own case)
Boy: What's that? (One of the food pieces is a piece of what looks like a chunk of cooked brain) Can I have some?
Lecter: You're a very unusual boy, aren't you?
NC: (as boy) Well, I did get in trouble for sauteing my little sister.
NC (vo): He feeds him a bit of Ray Liotta's brain... Oh, that must be why he did (poster for the following is superimposed...) The Identical...
(The closing credits for the movie start to roll)
NC (vo): And the movie ends on that weak-ass note.
(More footage is shown)
NC (vo): Now, it should be pointed out that in the book, (A shot of the cover of the book version of "Hannibal" by Thomas Harris is superimposed briefly) Hannibal tries to drug and brainwash Clarice. Whether or not it really worked, who knows? But three years later, they're going on dinner dates to the opera in South America.
NC: This is also a really stupid ending, but (The scene of Lecter removing Krendler's hat appears in the corner) like the brain scene, you do at least remember it.
NC (vo): The ending was changed because Jodie Foster says she didn't like it and wouldn't shoot the film if it was kept that way. So the ending was changed, but Foster still ended up not doing it and instead filmed (A poster of Anna and the King is shown) this record-breaking blockbuster.
NC: (nods) Yes, there is a good reason you haven't heard of it.
NC (vo): I bring this up because everything that happens to Clarice in the movie is building up to this original ending: her being disgraced, losing all credibility, no longer being able to help or save people. It was amounting to her having nothing worth fighting for and thus putting up little fight against Lecter. But since that ending didn't happen, most of those scenes are pointless now, just like a lot of the Florence scenes, the Mason scenes, Porky's Revenge; nothing new is learned, changed or evolved about these characters.
NC: And... (rolls eyes) bizarrely, when nothing of interest is presented, it doesn't present a very interesting movie.
(Footage of the movie is shown one more time as NC provides his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): A lot of suspenseful and intriguing stories have emerged from the Thomas Harris book series: (A montage of media adaptations of Harris' titles is superimposed...) Manhunter, Red Dragon, the show Hannibal, so it's clear a lot can be done with these characters. Here, though, it's a pointless, unfocused, unnecessary cash-in that doesn't know if it wants to be funny or serious and fails at both. Where the original leaves chills and nightmares in people's minds, due to its patience and discipline, this one is mostly forgettable, due to it surprisingly going over-the-top without giving us any grounded reality to care about. With the exception of the brain-eating scene and a few moments in Florence, it's a surprisingly boring mess. There's still much that can be explored with these characters, but it's a journey that's not going to be taken here.
NC: (imitating Hannibal Lecter once more) So, Hyper, now you know how a sequel can have so much buildup can deliver so little. Are you satisfied with the answers you've been seeking?
HFG: Not really.
(As NC resumes speaking, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, further parodying Lecter)
NC: Because the truth is far more disturbing than you thought?
HFG: No, 'cause that's not why I'm here. I just came to pick up my husband.
(Suddenly, they hear another voice groaning. It's Devil Boner, who has been in the cell with NC this whole time. He clutches at his head in pain)
DB: Ohhh... That Benny got me good!
HFG: (jumping for joy) Angel Dimple!
DB: Mmm... Hey, Blood Spike. I think those tranquilizer darts are finally wearing off.
Benny: (walking into the room) Well, it looks like you're awake enough to go.
DB: Yeah, you win this round, but next time, you're gonna wake up in my torture chamber! (laughs)
NC: Wait, so I'm not locked in here because of my dangerous mind?
Benny: No, I locked you in here because that dated-ass pumpkin shit is old.
HFG: Yes. Seriously, that was even lame when it was popular.
NC: (pointing to his Nostalgia-Ween jacket and shouting) I WAS WEARING THIS BEFORE HIM!
DB: Yeah, whatever. (walks up to HFG) Come on, Bone Fist, let's go home.
NC: Wait, how did you get out of your cell?
DB: There's no glass there, Critic. Check it out.
(Confused, NC walks over to the entrance to his cell and reaches his hand out, touching HFG on her forehead. He touches her there repeatedly, trying to make sense of what's going on)
NC: Oh, I see. You're using a deceptive mind game to make me perceive what wasn't there.
Benny: No, you're just a dumbass.
HFG: Yeah, pretty much.
NC: Well, how do you keep everyone else in their cells?
YouTube representative: Wait, there's no glass? I gotta get back to work!
(The representative starts to leave, but Benny shoots him in the forehead, killing him. Then he aims his gun at the Chart Guys, who throw up their arms hastily)
Chart Guy 1: It's all good, uh...
Chart Guy 2: We good.
Chart Guy 1: It's all good.
NC: (sighs) Well, maybe there's something to be said about combining extremes with subtlety. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and hopefully, next week, we'll review something not quite so in-your-face.
Channel Awesome tagline - Hannibal Lecter: Okie-dokie.
(The credits roll)