And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Hancock."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy called Hancock.
Who is a superhero who also happens to be a bum!
It is about frigging time!
We need more bum superheroes!
It was like watching "Superman," but starring me!
And his hobbies were drinking, passing out, and hitting very small children.
I do all of those things!
Except hitting small children.
I only pick on the big ones.
And there's this public relations guy who wants to help him.
But don't do it, Hancock! Don't do it!
You don't need to look any better!
I had a public relations guy work on me once!
He had me doing things and saying things.
That totally changed the way I was!
Here, it looked something like this.
(Chester appears with short hair, wearing a suit and sunglasses and talking in Doug's normal voice)
Hi, Chester Alfred B. Can I interest you in a Cadillac?
(Looks normal again) Isn't that horrible?! (Shivers)
So, Hancock decides that he is going to go to prison.
Because he has been a bad superhero.
It's like when the Green Lantern raped Macaulay Culkin!
Or did I just dream that?
Either way would be pretty frightening.
And so, Hancock is in prison.
Where he shoves one guy's head up another guy's ass!
I'm totally serious! He shoves one guy's head up another guy's ass!
More superheroes need to shove other people's heads inside of asses!
That better be in the new "Dark Knight" movie!
The Joker will be like, "I'm gonna kill everybody!"
And Batman is like, "You're going inside an ass!" *Pretends to grab self - gooey sounding noise is heard*
So, after Hancock gets out of prison, the people miss him.
And he turns into the new superhero Hancock!
...Hancock becomes Hancock.
Shouldn't he have a different name?
Like Drunk Man?
Or, Shnockered Boy?
Or, Dude, I Swear I Thought She Was Over 18...Person?
So, Hancock finds out when he's around other people like him, he loses his powers.
Kind of like when I'm around other bums, I lose more change!
This is my corner! Go find your own fire hydrant!
So, he has to fight the bad guy, while sometimes losing his powers.
So, he's like *Mimics getting strength, then losing it, then repeats*
And he's fighting a guy who has a hook for a hand!
It's captain Hook!
He must just hate people who have the ability to fly!
Why would you hate people who can fly?
That's so cool!
If I could fly, I would fly all over the city and shoot them all with my machine gun.
Yeah, I have anger issues.
And at the end, Hancock gets an eagle!
And Hancock is like, "So, what do you do eagle?"
And the eagle is like, ".....I don't know!"
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
I'll use the money to buy an eagle! I hear they're absolutely delicious!