NC: Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And you wanna know what I remember?
He pulls a Teddy Ruxpin doll into frame.
NC: This hideous thing: Teddy Ruxpin, one of the creepiest toys that ever hit the market! Aside from being dull, annoying and hideously ugly, Teddy Ruxpin is just downright scary. He's a mechanical doll that actually comes to life when you put a cassette in him. Watch!
He inserts a cassette; Teddy's eyes flutter open and music plays
Teddy: (singing) Come dream with me tonight...
NC: Ugh... God, it's like one step away from just getting a robot to just totally look after your kids. It's stupid, it's creepy and deserves to be shelved.
He smacks Teddy out of shot.
NC: I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Having delivered what was unquestionably the fastest review he'd ever given (46 seconds!),NC gets up and walks away, as normal, but the camera switches to a shot of Teddy, lying on the floor, eyes still open.
Placecard: Later that night....
NC is sleeping (hat still on, though his glasses and sport coat are off). Teddy is sitting on a desk across the room, and its eyes open. Suddenly it begins moving, and NC wakes up, looking in Teddy's direction; it is on the floor, which confuses NC, but he decides it doesn't matter, and lies back down. Before going to sleep, however, he turns his head to look again, and Teddy has scooted across the floor a bit. This perplexes NC, but again he decides to ignore and it and settle back in. A disturbance makes him open his eyes again, and when he looks to the foot of his bed, he sees Teddy there, staring directly at him!
NC: (putting his glasses on) Oh, it's you. How'd you get up here?
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I really, really like you.
Note: For those who're wondering, yes, that is the actual original voice of Teddy Ruxpin: Phil Baron.
NC: Yeah, well, I don't like you, you little Berenstained bastard.
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to do horrible things to you.
NC: (perplexed) That's an... odd thing to say.
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I wanna kill you.
NC: ...okay, I think I'm just gonna take that little demented tape out of you right now and...
He reaches around Teddy to the cassette port and as he pulls away the shirt that covers it, he realizes it's empty!
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I didn't care very much for that review you did...Nostalgia Critic.
He tosses Teddy across the room then gets out of bed and rushes out the door; Teddy is lying on the floor again, eyes still open Cut to NC in the bathroom, rubbing water on his face to help him wake up.
NC: That wasn't real. (sigh) It's just a figment of your imagination! (laughs) You gotta lay off the wacky tobbac---
He turns to see a crude stick drawing of a man hanging from a noose, with an arrow pointing to it labeled "You!!" on the mirror to the side of him. He also looks down at the counter and sees "Why?" smeared on it in ketchup.
Teddy: Oh, Mr. Critic...
NC turns toward the door, where Teddy leans in.
Teddy: Why did you say all those mean things about me?
NC: You're not real. You're just a... thing that's not very real.
Teddy: Oh dear. Then I guess I wouldn't be able to do this.
He lets out a cry and flies across the room toward NC's crotch and biting it!
He jumps around, screaming, while Teddy laughs maniacally. NC starts punching him, trying to dislodge the bear from his crotch. It doesn't work, but after some more struggling, he manages to rip Teddy off of himself and throws it against the wall. Teddy promptly sits up as NC runs through the house and into the kitchen, where he grabs a baseball bat. He begins walking through the house again, bat at the ready. He hears noises and keeps whipping around, and then Teddy's song starts up again.
Teddy: (singing) Come dream with me tonight...
NC stalks around more slowly and intently. Teddy picks up a knife from the kitchen. It manages to sneak up behind NC as he walks around, and scares him. NC kicks him, sending the knife sliding across the floor. He proceeds to beat Teddy with the bat. But just as he's about to smash the bear into stuffing...
Teddy: Get him, Grubby!
Grubby: On my way, Teddy!
Grubby the yellow and orange octopede scurries across the room and latches onto NC's leg, causing him to hop around in pain.
Grubby: Why won't you just die?
NC tears him off and beats him with the bat, but Teddy flies across the room, causing NC to scream like a little girl as Teddy hits him in the face and begins attacking, sending NC to the floor. As it fights, Teddy laughs like a child, making it that much creepier. NC manages to fight back, but still can't take him down!
Teddy: (laughs) I just wanna play!
NC sees the knife and reaches for it, struggling to grab it.
Teddy: There's no escaping from me, Mr. Critic! (maniacal child laugh again)
With one mighty stretch, NC finally grabs the knife, and then lets out a primal scream as he throws Teddy off him and lunges with the knife. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes outside as this happens. Several moments pass as he brutally, but silently, cuts Teddy's head off. He holds the head up victoriously, and then tosses it on the couch and walks out of the room. As it lays on the couch, Teddy's head opens its eyes, then flies across the room and reattaches to its body. Cut back to NC, once again sleeping, when his own gun gets pushed into his mouth and cocked (shut up, pervs!). NC wakes up and looks, seeing Teddy holding the gun.
Teddy: Now, are you going to write another review, or am I gonna have to get nasty?
NC: (fearfully nodding until the gun is removed) Alright, alright. I'll do another review.
Teddy: (giggles) I knew you'd see it my way.
NC: Just, just answer me one thing: what the hell are you?
Teddy: You really wanna know? (NC nods fearfully; Teddy's voice deep and demonic) I'm the Devil!
His eyes light up red and black, it is surrounded by fire, and NC screams like a little girl, multiple times at this horrible sight. As he keeps screaming, the camera zooms in closer and closer on his mouth. Cut to NC holding Teddy Ruxpin in front of the camera, doing another review. NC looks disheveled, his eyes twitching, and he speaks robotically.
NC: As you can see, I've been totally wrong about Teddy Ruxpin. He's a good, good toy. Very friendly, very nice, and not the least bit homicidal! So, I recommend Teddy Ruxpin to anyone who has an active imagination. I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don'tHELP HELP! THE TOY IS ALIVE AND HE'S GONNA KILL ME!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME, HELP!!
Teddy turns toward NC and the screen goes black.
NC: WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?! WHO TURNED OFF---
Gunshot; Teddy's music starts again, and his red eyes light up in the darkness.