NC: Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And you wanna know what I remember?
He pulls a Teddy Ruxpin doll into frame.
NC: This hideous thing: Teddy Ruxpin, one of the creepiest toys that ever hit the market! Aside from being dull, annoying and hideously ugly, Teddy Ruxpin is just downright scary. He's a mechanical doll that actually comes to life when you put a cassette in him. Watch!
He inserts a cassette; Teddy's eyes flutter open and music plays
Teddy: (singing) Come dream with me tonight...
NC: Ugh... God, it's like one step away from just getting a robot to just totally look after your kids. It's stupid, it's creepy and deserves to be shelved.
He smacks Teddy out of shot.
NC: I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Having delivered what was unquestionably the fastest review he'd ever given (46 seconds!), NC gets up and walks away, as normal, but the camera switches to a shot of Teddy, lying on the floor, eyes still open.
Placecard: Later that night....
NC is sleeping (hat still on, though his glasses and sport coat are off). Teddy is sitting on a desk across the room, and its eyes open. Suddenly it begins moving, and NC wakes up, looking in Teddy's direction; it is on the floor, which confuses NC, but he decides it doesn't matter, and lies back down. Before going to sleep, however, he turns his head to look again, and Teddy has scooted across the floor a bit. This perplexes NC, but again he decides to ignore and it and settle back in. A disturbance makes him open his eyes again, and when he looks to the foot of his bed, he sees Teddy there, staring directly at him!
NC: (putting his glasses on) Oh, it's you. How'd you get up here?
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I really, really like you.
Note: For those who're wondering, yes, that is the actual original voice of Teddy Ruxpin: Phil Baron.
NC: Yeah, well, I don't like you, you little Berenstained bastard.
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to do horrible things to you.
NC: (perplexed) That's an... odd thing to say.
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I wanna kill you.
NC: ...okay, I think I'm just gonna take that little demented tape out of you right now and...
He reaches around Teddy to the cassette port and as he pulls away the shirt that covers it, he realizes it's empty!
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I didn't care very much for that review you did...Nostalgia Critic.
He tosses Teddy across the room then gets out of bed and rushes out the door; Teddy is lying on the floor again, eyes still open Cut to NC in the bathroom, rubbing water on his face to help him wake up.
NC: That wasn't real. (sigh) It's just a figment of your imagination! (laughs) You gotta lay off the wacky tobbac---
He turns to see a crude stick drawing of a man hanging from a noose, with an arrow pointing to it labeled "You!!" on the mirror to the side of him. He also looks down at the counter and sees "Why?" smeared on it in ketchup.
Teddy: Oh, Mr. Critic...
NC turns toward the door, where Teddy leans in.
Teddy: Why did you say all those mean things about me?
NC: You're not real. You're just a... thing that's not very real.
Teddy: Oh dear. Then I guess I wouldn't be able to do this.
He lets out a cry and flies across the room toward NC's crotch and biting it!
He jumps around, screaming, while Teddy laughs maniacally. NC starts punching him, trying to dislodge the bear from his crotch. It doesn't work, but after some more struggling, he manages to rip Teddy off of himself and throws it against the wall. Teddy promptly sits up as NC runs through the house and into the kitchen, where he grabs a baseball bat. He begins walking through the house again, bat at the ready. He hears noises and keeps whipping around, and then Teddy's song starts up again.
Teddy: (singing) Come dream with me tonight...
NC stalks around more slowly and intently. Teddy picks up a knife from the kitchen. It manages to sneak up behind NC as he walks around, and scares him. NC kicks him, sending the knife sliding across the floor. He proceeds to beat Teddy with the bat. But just as he's about to smash the bear into stuffing...
Teddy: Get him, Grubby!
Grubby: On my way, Teddy!
Grubby the yellow and orange octopede scurries across the room and latches onto NC's leg, causing him to hop around in pain.
Grubby: Why won't you just die?
NC tears him off and beats him with the bat, but Teddy flies across the room, causing NC to scream like a little girl as Teddy hits him in the face and begins attacking, sending NC to the floor. As it fights, Teddy laughs like a child, making it that much creepier. NC manages to fight back, but still can't take him down!
Teddy: (laughs) I just wanna play!
NC sees the knife and reaches for it, struggling to grab it.
Teddy: There's no escaping from me, Mr. Critic! (maniacal child laugh again)
With one mighty stretch, NC finally grabs the knife, and then lets out a primal scream as he throws Teddy off him and lunges with the knife. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes outside as this happens. Several moments pass as he brutally, but silently, cuts Teddy's head off. He holds the head up victoriously, and then tosses it on the couch and walks out of the room. As it lays on the couch, Teddy's head opens its eyes, then flies across the room and reattaches to its body. Cut back to NC, once again sleeping, when his own gun gets pushed into his mouth and cocked (shut up, pervs!). NC wakes up and looks, seeing Teddy holding the gun.
Teddy: Now, are you going to write another review, or am I gonna have to get nasty?
NC: (fearfully nodding until the gun is removed) Alright, alright. I'll do another review.
Teddy: (giggles) I knew you'd see it my way.
NC: Just, just answer me one thing: what the hell are you?
Teddy: You really wanna know? (NC nods fearfully; Teddy's voice deep and demonic) I'm the Devil!
His eyes light up red and black, it is surrounded by fire, and NC screams like a little girl, multiple times at this horrible sight. As he keeps screaming, the camera zooms in closer and closer on his mouth. Cut to NC holding Teddy Ruxpin in front of the camera, doing another review. NC looks disheveled, his eyes twitching, and he speaks robotically.
NC: As you can see, I've been totally wrong about Teddy Ruxpin. He's a good, good toy. Very friendly, very nice, and not the least bit homicidal! So, I recommend Teddy Ruxpin to anyone who has an active imagination. I'm The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don'tHELP HELP! THE TOY IS ALIVE AND HE'S GONNA KILL ME!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME, HELP!!
Teddy turns toward NC and the screen goes black.
NC: WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?! WHO TURNED OFF---
Gunshot; Teddy's music starts again, and his red eyes light up in the darkness.
Teddy: (singing) Come dream with me tonight...
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Curse of the Commercials · Sucker Punch · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
||Shark Tale · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Strange Magic
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month