September 26, 2017
(The 2017 title sequence plays)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Hard to believe there was a time when Ryan Reynolds was seen as the kiss of death for superhero movies.
(A montage of images of superhero movies that Ryan Reynolds appeared in are shown, such as Blade Trinity and X-Men Origins: Wolverine)
NC (vo): He had hugely disappointing films that pissed off both audiences and diehard fans. It wasn't until he brilliantly pushed...
(Cut to a shot of Deadpool, which also starred Reynolds)
NC (vo): ...to replay one of those disappointments with Deadpool that he elevated himself into comic book legendry, bringing the character exactly what he deserved and smashing box office records.
NC: Which is good, because I think if he left things the way they were with Green Lantern, (a shot of Shaquille O'Neal as John Steel appears in the corner) Shaq would've gotten more street credit.
(The title and clips of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): Based on the DC comic book, Green Lantern was one of the big heroes that joined the Justice League, so making a movie about him in 2011 seemed to make sense. However, this film was so botched and so unexciting that not only did they not bother to give him his own sequel, but as far as we know, they're not including this version in the DCEU. It's ugly, it's dull, it's downright unpleasant, it's a green mess.
NC: And, to emphasize and contract how bad this is, I brought a special guest: Deadpool!
(Deadpool, played by Malcolm Ray, jumps into the scene)
Deadpool: Ha-ha! Chimichangas! Yeah!
NC: That's right! I have Ryan Reynolds' most beloved comic book interpretation talking about his most hated comic book interpretation.
Deadpool: Oh! You got a unicorn? I really could use a unicorn.
(Deadpool snickers, as well as NC)
NC: His wild comedic antics will no doubt add a lot to this review.
Deadpool: Where're the boobies? I want boobies!
(He mimics groping woman's breasts. NC is slightly confused for a second)
NC: ...Let's take a look at Green Lantern with our special guest, Deadpool!
Deadpool: Wolverine Origins sucked!
NC: (after a beat) That it did. (turns back to camera, still puzzled)
(The movie opens in space, which is green-filtered for the viewer's convenience)
Tomar-Re (Geoffrey Rush): (narrating) Billions of years ago, a race of immortals, the Guardians of the Universe...
NC (vo): Oh, hey! A DC property talking about the Guardians of the Universe.
(NC turns to Deadpool, waiting for a punchline, but the latter just stands there in silence)
NC: Th...that doesn't make you wanna say something, Marvel character?
Deadpool: Oh! Um...
(He unzips his fly, disgusting NC)
NC: Dude! What are you doing?!
Deadpool: That's my dick.
NC: (waves off frantically, covering eyes) I can see that! Put it away, you friggin' psycho!
(Deadpool zips it back and dances, doing a pelvic thrust)
Deadpool: I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool! Chimichangas!
NC: (creeped out) ...Why don't you go over there for a while?
Deadpool: I was gonna do that anyway, 'cause I'm Deadpool! I do what I like!
(Deadpool lies on the couch, but not before sticking out, wiggling his fingers and lying back. He then goes to the armchair at the end of the room and sits on it "like a boss")
NC: I really recall him being a lot funnier than that.
NC (vo): So it looks like there's peacekeepers around the galaxy known as the Green Lanterns, the magic heroes with magic rings... (The poster for Captain Planet is shown) ...I will kill you if you even.
Tomar-Re: (narrating) Of all the threats the Corps ever faced, the gravest was Parallax.
(The camera moves to the Lost Sector on planet Ryut, showing the imprisoned malevolent named Parallax, depicted as a giant orange head)
NC (vo; as Parallax): Um, that's me, I guess.
(The camera moves away from the Lost Sector)
Tomar-Re: (narrating) Only the legendary...
NC (vo; as Parallax): Oh, we're done? Okay, goodbye.
(The camera shows the Green Lantern who captured Parallax, Abin Sur, as a giant purple face in the space)
Tomar-Re: (narrating) ...Abin Sur was capable of capturing and imprisoning this beast...
NC: Yeah, is it me, or does it look like the universe...
NC (vo): ...sneezed crayola paints and then pissed on it with five different alien urines?
NC: This all looks hideous!
(We are shown three spacemen crash-landed on Ryut)
NC (vo): Oh, no, we're back in Fant4stic!
NC: (brings out a large wooden cross, worried) You will not avenge your evil on me again!
(Parallax escapes from the prison and encounters the spacemen. He is shown as a giant CGI grey alien)
NC (vo): I'd say these astronauts came across Marvin the Martian, but truth be told, Marvin the Martian looks more realistic.
Parallax (Clancy Brown): You are afraid. Good.
NC: (folds arms) This is where we keep the unrendered Mars Attacks! effects. The CG is awful!
NC (vo): This is 2011? I keep expecting (A clip from the Space Jam TV commercial is shown briefly) Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny to pop out! Two minutes into this effects movie, and it already shows it sucks at effects!
(Abin Sur's residence is shown as a long metal tower)
NC: What the hell am I even looking at here?
NC (vo): Megatron's schlong?
(Abin Sur talks with the Corps leader, Thaal Sinestro, via the laggy hologram)
Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison): Tell Fentara I should...
Sinestro (Mark Strong): Fentara is dead.
Abin Sur: The planet's inhabitants?
Sinestro: The Guardians are silent. (The hologram lags) I've demanded an audience with them. (signs off)
NC (vo): I feel like I'm watching expired jello molds act in dirty glasses of piss. It's amazing how unappealing this all looks.
(Parallax breaks into Abin Sur's residence, and they fight. At one point, Abin Sur lands on the floor and makes a pose, raising his fists in the air and looking up)
NC: Hmm, I don't remember this scene...
NC (vo): ...from Injustice 2. (A scene from this game, showing moments before Hal Jordan fights Atrocitus, is shown) Oh, hell!
NC: It's an insult to compare it to that! These effects...
NC (vo): ...are like a flashlight in Superman 64!
(After commanding his power ring to find his successor, Abin Sur escapes in a pod and heads to Earth)
Abin Sur: (communicating with Sinestro) I'm badly wounded. Heading to the nearest inhabited planet for the selection process.
NC: (as Abin Sur) Pray they develop Pixar there.
(We are introduced to Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) waking up in bed at morning with his girlfriend Carol Ferris (Blake Lively), before realizing it's 7:52 AM and he's late for work)
NC (vo): We come across our lead Hal Jordan, played by Reynolds, partaking in the most overused of introduction tropes...
Hal: No. No.
(Hal gets up and quickly puts his clothes on, all to the rock music)
NC: (as Marty McFly from Back to the Future, pretending to be holding a handset) Doc, I'm late for school!
(After NC "hangs up", Hal is shown nearly dodging a car while driving, with the added song "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News playing in the background. After that, we cut to Ferris Aircraft (the company Hal works in as a test pilot), where the CEO Carl Ferris (Jay O. Sanders) and the Air Force military walk past an engineer Thomas Kalmaku (Taika Waititi))
NC: (as Carl, "greeting" Thomas) Stock geeky guy in every movie.
NC (vo): So Hal and another pilot are supposed to outsmart two AI fighter jets to demonstrate whether or not the technology is ready for combat.
(As Hal does several maneuvers on his jet plane, a heavy metal song plays)
NC: Soundtrack by "This is Cool, Right?"
(Cut to the room where people are observing the test, with the monitor showing a clearly unrendered CGI model of the range and the Ferris and the AI "enemy" jets marked as red and blue respectively)
NC (vo): Gotta love that military technology that's on par with a Tron game.
(Hal shoots the "enemy" jet, and this is represented on the monitor again)
NC: (as the soldier) Radar says we need more quarters!
(Hal then looks at the photo of his lost father Martin (Jon Tenney) on the control panel, and we are shown a flashback from Hal's childhood, when he was allowed to witness his father at work)
NC (vo): He outsmarts the AI jets, but not before having a flashback to his incredibly cliched childhood.
(Martin tosses his fireproof jacket to Hal (Gattlin Griffith), smiling)
Martin: Keep it warm for me.
(Cut to the conclusion of 1979 Coca-Cola commercial, where "Mean" Joe Greene tosses his team jersey to a kid (Tom Okon))
Singers: Coke and a...
Kid: Wow! Thanks, Mean Joe!
Singers: ...smile! (Joe smiles, and the slogan "Have a Coke and smile. Coke adds life" is shown)
NC (vo): Things really do fizzle, though, as he remembers what happened to his father shortly after.
(Young Hal is shown talking to his dad a day before the latter's fatal flight)
Young Hal: You're not scared, are you, Dad?
Martin: Let's just say it's my job not to be.
(Cut to Martin's malfunctioned jet crashing to the ground on fire. Young Hal runs to the crash site as Martin prepares to get out)
NC (vo; as young Hal): Oh, my God, I'm scared! I am so scared! S-C-A-R-E-D, scared!
Young Hal: Dad!
(Martin's jet explodes before he can get out, all in front of Hal)
NC: (as young Hal) Oh, if only he had...
NC (vo): ...his fireproof jacket.
Martin: Keep it warm for me.
(Back to present day, Hal is shown at a meeting in Carl's office with Thomas, Carol (who's the company's vice president), and Bob Banks (Jeff Wolfe))
NC (vo; normal): So, what can one say but... (imitates Mike "Viper" Metcalf from Top Gun) MAVERICK!
Hal: I thought this was a dogfight. I was under the impression the objective was to win.
Bob: No, the objective was to show what the Sabres could do in actual combat.
Carol: You didn't have to make that point in front of the commander of Air Force Acquisitions.
Carl: That's enough, Carol.
NC: Yeah, any other overused lines you want to throw in there?
Carl: You're fired, Hal.
Hal: It's too late, Carl, I quit.
Carol: You don't get off that easy.
NC: Wow. This movie hits every lame in the book. Doesn't it, Deadpool?
(He turns to "Deadpool", who is now suddenly wearing a pig-tailed girl's wig and putting his hands in front of his face like in the poster)
NC: What...what is this?
Deadpool: I'm wearing something silly.
NC: How does it connect to anything that's going on?
Deadpool: It's stupid, therefore badass!
NC: I'm really not following any of your humor.
(Deadpool goes to NC, slaps his cheek really hard and leaves, striking the poster pose again)
NC: OW! What was that for?!
Deadpool: 'Cause I'm Deadpool!
NC: I don't get it!
(Deadpool slaps NC's cheek hard again)
(Deadpool goes to the end of the room, shakes his rear end, and leans on the armchair)
Deadpool: I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool!
NC: Okay, I really recall him being funnier!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But his (Hal's) boss Carol says he can't quit; he's just grounded. Go to your room.
NC: Hey, that's funnier than the actual funny lines they have.
Bob: Watch your back. (leaves the office)
Hal: That's impossible, Bob.
NC: (as Bob, adjusts glasses) I also would have expected spinning around looking at your back via Good Burger. (A clip from said movie of Ed doing just that is shown)
(Hal goes to his brother Jack and nephew Jason's house)
NC (vo): He goes to visit his brother and nephew, who are both angry and concerned about him.
Jason (Dylan James): Were you scared?
Hal: My job not to be.
Jason: I'm glad you're okay.
NC: Well, good, because you literally have...
NC (vo): ...no other scenes in the movie.
NC: (as the caption of what he says appears below) Family: it's... there.
(Hal approaches his house)
NC (vo): (the caption of what is said also appears in green letters) No idea how to segue in 3, 2...
(A green orb appears around Dave, and he is sent flying while floundering in it)
NC: (bored, hand on cheek) In most scenarios, Ryan Reynolds in a hamster ball would be the dumbest part of the movie.
(Hal is transported to the crashed pod near the river)
NC (vo): He's taken to the crashed alien ship, where the alien's ring summons him.
(Hal's horrified and bemused upon seeing Abin Sur in the pod)
NC (vo): Reynolds has a look on his face, like "Oh, my God, it's this kind of movie. I did not know what I was signing up for."
(Abin Sur, now taken out of the pod by Hal, takes off his power ring and hands it to him, along with the green lantern)
Abin Sur: The ring. It chose you. (He dies)
Hal: Hey, hey, don't...don't do...do...do that.
NC (vo): Oh, it looks like you'd better call 91... (Cut to Thomas receiving a call from Hal) ...this guy.
(Thomas has arrived to Abin Sur's crash site)
Thomas: Is that a spaceship?
Thomas: Is it real?
Hal: It's real.
NC: (as Roy from The IT Crowd) Have you tried turning the film off and on again?
(Hal overhears the police helicopters nearby)
Hal: We're gone. Go, now! (He and Thomas drive away in a jeep)
NC (vo; as Hal): Let's go before we realize before there's no reason to keep this a secret!
(Cut to Sinestro speaking to the circle of Guardians of the Universe sitting on really long columns)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Captain Pepto-Bismol discusses what's happened with the not-even-close-to-looking-interested council.
Sinestro: Four of my Lantern brothers killed. The inhabitants of two worlds annihilated by an unknown enemy.
NC: How the hell can they hear him?
(NC voices Sinestro and two of the Guardians, with Sinestro speaking gibberish in a high-pitched voice)
Guardian 1: What? What? (to another Guardian) Why do we have chairs so high?
Guardian 2: Because from a distance, we can take his pink ass seriously.
Guardian 1: No, we can't.
(At his place, Hal puts the power ring on his finger and takes out a lantern)
NC (vo): After that, Hal is told he can use the dead alien's ring, as long as he recites the oath to...what else? The green lantern.
(Hal brings the ring forward to the lantern and tries to say the needed words)
NC: That last part wasn't scripted. He just realized they paid for copyright licensing for (holds up two fingers) two weak-ass jokes.
(Hal hits the lantern, and it starts glowing. Hal then reads the oath, mesmerized by the light)
NC (vo): It finally works, though, as the oath comes to him psychically. Thus, he is tapped in to an unknown alien society that has protected the universe for eons and eons. A whole new universe of responsibility is opened up to him-
(Cut to Hal speaking to Carol, who just came to him right after the lantern stopped glowing)
Hal: Uh, do you wanna get a drink?
NC: Yeah, we can do that.
(Hal and Carol are shown at a restaurant with an orange lighting)
Hal: You look pretty.
Carol: You forgot it was my birthday.
NC (vo): You totally get the epic weight and scale of this story!
(Cut to them embracing each other and dancing slowly to romantic pop music)
Hal: I really am sorry.
Carol: Oh. It's okay. The contract isn't quite dead yet.
NC: You know, half this movie is like an orange Magic Eye. You cross your eyes...
NC (vo): ...and uncross them so you can see orange figures in front of other orange figures.
NC: It's like an Oompa-Loompa cut of Footloose!
(After Carol leaves, a green orb consumes Hal again, and he flies into space)
NC (vo): But magic Listerine is at it again, as it teleports him across the universe.
NC: Okay, this could redeem a few points if he has to serve on the starship that's captained by Tim Allen. (Commander Taggart from the movie Space Quest, played by Allen, is shown)
(The portal to the Green Lantern Corps' home planet Hal flies through is a black tunnel with several bright lights around it)
NC (vo): So, yeah, like a booger flying through chocolate milk mix, this is not as visually mind-blowing as you would hope. To quote Bart Simpson, (A clip from a Season 6 episode Bart of Darkness is shown with Bart saying the following...) the universe is so boring!
(Hal is undressed and is being scanned)
NC: We've scanned him. There's no discernible charm in his performance.
(The camera moves up to Hal, now in his Green Lantern suit and mask, opening his eyes, which look pretty much computer-animated)
NC (vo): Yeah, let's play the game of "who made a mistake saying yes to this film".
(A caption "EVERYONE" appears below the smiling NC)
NC: That was a short round!
NC (vo): Yeah, just to clarify: this is the origin of the sidekick, right? You're gonna team him up with someone more intimidating?
NC: Like... (picture of...) Kevin Hart?
(Hal starts walking casually, whistling, and then imitates delivering a blow. Out of nowhere, Tomar-Re appears)
Tomar-Re: Have you concluded admiring yourself?
NC: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought we were gonna have a sequence there. We had...
NC (vo): ...the music, the movement...
NC: I guess that's just what the film hiccuping looks like.
NC (vo): General Eugh-bar here is named Tomar-Re, played by Geoffrey Rush, who is asked really the only sensible question in the entire film.
(Hal and Tomar-Re fly around the planet of Oa)
Hal: What's with all the green?
Tomar-Re: Green is the color of will. The Guardians harnessed will because it's the strongest source of energy in the universe.
NC (vo): So now we go from butt-ugly reds and stained-mustard yellows to draining-sewage green!
NC: This whole movie is like being trapped in a shit-stained stoplight!
(Tomar-Re introduces the other Green Lanterns (also CGI) to Hal)
Tomar-Re: And 3600 Lanterns, each with a sector just as vast.
NC (vo; as Hal): How come none of them wear fake masks? (as Tomar-Re) They look unimpressive enough as they are.
(Sinestro flies up to the Lanterns)
NC (vo): Sunburned Stephen Colbert comes out to tell them all about the bad news.
Sinestro: Our four Lantern brothers were killed by an enemy called Parallax.
NC: That's the name of a laxative, right? That can't actually be a frightening title.
(Cut to Tomar-Re showing Hal how to use the ring's power properly)
NC (vo): So Hal, of course, is trained in the ways of the Lantern. And much like this movie, Hal can't understand the logic of being greenlit.
Tomar-Re: Your will turns thought into reality. To master the ring, you must learn to focus your will and create what you see in your mind. The ring's limits are only what you can imagine.
NC: (takes out a folder) You know, let me rip a few pages from The Empire Strikes Back about the Force. (He does so) That.
(Hal then tries to master his ring)
Tomar-Re: The ring will inform you where there is an imminent threat.
(He is shot away by another Lantern, a giant muscular alien named Kilowog, who is claimed to be Hal's combat training officer)
NC (vo; as Tomar-Re): Did I mention I'm an incredible liar?
NC (vo): This is Kilowog, voiced by a clearly half-awake Michael Clarke Duncan.
Kilowog (Duncan): (in various scenes, speaking to Hal) Welcome to Ring Slinging 101. / I'm gonna hit you until your will is strong... / Next lesson. / He's not gonna play fair. / Never let your guard down, poozer.
NC: (as Duncan) They're literally recording this while they're putting the makeup on me from Planet of the Apes. I'm not bringing my A-material to this.
NC (vo): He (Hal) is taught that the ring can create whatever he wants through will alone. (Cut to Hal and Sinestro fighting with small swords created by the ring) Including the ancient weapon of cocktail swords to keep cherries in your drink!
(Sinestro defeats Hal)
Sinestro: Abin Sur was a great warrior. You insult his memory by wearing his ring.
NC (vo; as Sinestro): You will never learn the title, broccoli brother.
Hal: (to Tomar-Re and Kilowog) I'm done. He's right. I'm only human.
Tomar-Re: The ring never makes a mistake.
Hal: This time it did. (He flies back to Earth)
NC (vo): So, yeah. This seems embarrassingly bad in visuals, comedy, storytelling and character.
NC: If only somebody who was supposed to be the complete opposite of that would commentate on this with me!
(NC turns his head to Deadpool's side, and he is shown to be standing in front of NC's DVD shelf)
Deadpool: I'm dancing on all of your favorite movies!
(The camera reveals Deadpool dancing and stomping on NC's DVDs lying on the floor, much to the latter's horror)
NC: Oh, no, no, no, not Brazil! Oh, no, that's Secret of NIMH! Oh, no! Not the director's cut of Nothing But Trouble! That's the version that makes sense!
Deadpool: I'm Deadpool, so I can get away with this! (laughs as he continues to dance)
NC: I don't get this! I really don't get this! This is not how I remember this character at all!
Deadpool: Well, it's okay! I remember it, because...Chimichanga unicorns!
NC: That doesn't even make sense! You had a perfect setup for a joke, and you didn't even take it!
Deadpool: I do what I like. Applejacks! (He brings out a hat and a cane and dances off, doing Michigan J. Frog's "Hello, My Baby" routine)
NC: (to the camera) Okay, seriously. What am I missing here?
(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we are introduced to scientist Hector Hammond, played by Peter Sarsgaard. By the orders of his father, Senator Robert Hammond, he performs an autopsy on Abin Sur's body, with Amanda Waller (Angela Bassett) watching him. A piece of Parallax inside the corpse enters Hammond, giving him telepathic and telekinetic powers)
NC (vo): So Hal says "Screw this shit", he's going back to Earth where it's normal. But, of course, that's not true, because Earth is home for Peter Sarsgaard. He plays a scientist named Hector, who's called in to examine the crashed alien life form. But he gets infected by something that gives him incredible powers, like combining William Shatner and John Malkovich into one performance!
(Hector is shown teaching at the classroom)
Hector: ...that many of these little critters that we've been calling bacteria weren't bacteria at all. They were an entirely different type.
NC (vo): But he starts to tap into the mind of the average viewer watching this film.
(Hector turns his back on the students and starts hearing their thoughts)
Michael: (thinking) God, he's so boring.
(Hector's eyes turn yellow, and Michael is tossed from his desk and into the floor)
NC: So, yeah, as you'd expect, this is gonna be our villain of the film. (Beat) I know you're just as excited as I was.
NC (vo): Because that's who I want to see a superhero fight, the guy who looks both ways before entering a porno theater.
NC: Is it even worth feeling let down by this point?
(A clip from The Princess Bride is shown)
Westley (Cary Elwes): Get used to disappointment.
NC: (whispering) Okay.
(Hector meets Robert, played by Tim Robbins, at his cabinet, who gets his badge out of a safe with no visible effort)
NC (vo): But what did you expect, though? He's the son of Tim Robbins, a guy so dumb, he doesn't even put a combination on his safe.
Robert: I'm on a subcommittee.
Hector: It was you. That's why they chose me.
Robert: It's the way the world works. Seize an opportunity when it presents itself.
NC: Poor guy has strings pulled to get in positions of power. Now THAT's a tragic villain story!
(Hal and Hector are shown attending a Ferris Aircraft corporate party)
NC (vo): Speaking of tragic, how's Reynolds doing?
(Hal goes to speak to Hector, but not before finishing his drink)
NC (vo; as the director over P.A.): Um, Mr. Reynolds? Action! (as Reynolds) Yeah, yeah, one more.
(Robert comes up to Hal, which irritates Hector)
Robert: Glad you could make it, son.
Hal: I was a little surprised I got the invite.
Robert: I always say there are thinkers in this world and there are doers. And you are one of the doers.
NC: Huh. Tim Robbins both complimented and insulted you at the same time. It's like when he makes a political speech.
(After Hal and Robert leave, Hector bends down and takes a sip on cocktail)
NC: Many of you might be wondering why they showed him sip that drink in such a weird way. (smiles for about three seconds, but says nothing)
(Hector attempts to kill his father by telekinetically sabotaging his helicopter at a party, but Hal takes on his Green Lantern suit just in time)
NC (vo): So Hal is uncomfortable at the party, but things get even more socially awkward when the helicopter crashes.
(A crashing helicopter moves across the area, but Hal stops the crash by turning the helicopter into a race car and creating a track for it to drive)
NC: Okay... (A poster of the movie The Mask (1994) pops up) This is The Mask, right?
NC (vo): A green guy you laugh at every time you see him using cartoons to save the day?
NC: It's a different take, to say the least, but still, I'll take it over this sequel. (A poster for Son of the Mask is followed)
NC (vo; sighs): Well, good to know over halfway through the movie, the Green Lantern finally saves somebody, but not without being rightfully called out on lameness.
(Thomas visits Hal the next morning)
Thomas: A racetrack?
Thomas: Hmm. That's the best you could come up with? For your first big appearance?
NC: (hand on cheek) You sure we're not watching the writing session for this flick?
Thomas: I want to see it.
Hal: (stands up) Get ready to have your mind blown. (Thomas smirks)
NC: (as Hal) After this, I'm somehow gonna be Deadpool twice.
(Hal spreads out arms, but nothing happens)
Thomas: Did you break it already?
Hal: I didn't break it, okay? It's just... (puts the green lantern on the table) It's out of juice. I have to recharge it.
(He brings his ring to the lantern for more power)
NC: What you just saw should have been edited out. Our apologies.
(Hal spreads arms out again, and now he's again in his Lantern suit)
Thomas: Aah! Green!
Hal: (smiling broadly) I know, right?!
NC (vo; as Hal): Pretty lame, huh? Green Twizzlers, that's what they went with!
(In the evening, Hal flies to the balcony of Carol's office)
NC (vo): But he's not the only one green with envy.
Hal: Evening, ma'am. Didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Are you okay? (Carol nods)
NC: (as Hal, speaking in a low, hoarse voice) Is my fake voice fake enough?
Carol: (comes closer to Hal) You saved my life. You saved all of our lives. (realizes) Hal? (pause) Hal?!
NC: (in a "dumbass" voice, slaps himself on the head) Uh-DOYYYY!
Hal: How did you know it was me?
Carol: (taken aback) What do you mean? I've known you my whole life! I've seen you naked! You don't think I would recognize you 'cause I can't see your cheekbones?!
NC: Well, the movie was dumb enough to go with that for a bit, so, yeah!
NC (vo): Christ, I'm shocked it took you this long to figure it out!
NC: Hey, watch this. (puts a piece of wood on top of his head, balancing it out and waving hands) I'm a totally different person now! Ooooh!
(Hal and Carol are shown relaxing at the top of the airport's control tower)
NC (vo): So now we have the classic superhero movie attempt at romance. In Spider-Man, we had the famous kiss upside down, and in Superman, that famous flying through the sky sequence...
NC: Now we have a guy who can make anything come to life. Very cool. What are you gonna do with it?
Carol: Okay, so, at the party, how did you make that big green ramp thing?
Hal: Anything I see in my mind, I can create.
NC: You're just gonna sit there...
NC (vo): ...and talk, don't you--
NC: (throws arms) Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Are you friggin' kidding me?!
NC (vo): You can literally do anything! Anything! You can ride (pictures of the following are shown) a Pegasus through the Tunnel of Love (Note: the picture of that is taken from Simpsons: Tapped Out) while the water is diamonds, and you sit on a roof!
NC: Hell, (hits the table) why did they fly in Superman? It would have been so much more romantic...
(The footage of Superman (1978) is shown)
NC (vo): ...if he (Superman) just walked up to Lois and said...
Superman (overdubbed by NC): Let's get McDonald's.
Lois Lane (overdubbed by NC): Okay.
(Cut to both of them sitting in silence with the Photoshopped McDonald's food on the table. Back to the movie, we see Hector working at the computer, his head being swollen and brain having become bigger)
NC (vo): But Sarsgaard...who's turning into the Jabba the Harry Knowles...is trying to figure out the next step in becoming a Sky High character.
(Before Hector can kill his father by burning him alive with telekinesis, Hall suddenly arrives, breaking through the window)
NC: (as Hal) I'm here to ask if you located the scene where I found out where you are!
(Hector screams and sends several gas cylinders flying. They hit Hal, and he is knocked out. Exhausted, Hector collapses next to Hal)
NC (vo; as Hector): You're so pathetic, I'll just knock myself out for you. Really, the pity screwed up superheroes.
(Hal blasts Hector, who slides into the smoke and disappears. Hal then flies back to Oa, speaking to Sinestro and the Guardians)
NC (vo): He (Hector) escapes, though, allowing Hal to go ask the Guardians for help.
Hal: You know, we have a saying on Earth. We say, "I'm only human."
NC: (as Hal) Usually after we make a really bad movie.
NC (vo): So, for kind of confusing reasoning, Hal asks them if he can fight the evil alone before they use a weapon that could destroy other lives in the process. They agree*, resulting in him immediately almost destroying another life in the process.
- Note: Actually, in the movie, the Guardians and Sinestro reject Hal's saying that fear will turn the users evil if its power is used (Parallax was one of the Guardians until he desired to control the yellow essence of fear and became corrupted)
(Back on Earth, Hal discovers Carol floating, with Hector (his head even more swollen) putting a syringe near her neck)
Hector: She's beautiful, isn't she? I loved her from the moment I first saw her.
NC: Oh! (stutters) Apparently, that was a thing.
NC (vo): You know, at this point, you could say he turned evil because he didn't get his oil change. No one really cares anymore.
(Hal takes off his power ring. Hector puts it on and tries to strike Hal with a green blast, but it backfires on him)
NC (vo): He hands over the ring to save her, but Hal still has control and knocks him out. This somehow releases Parallax onto the world.
(Parallax breaks in, having his "big brown-yellow fog face" form as before)
NC: (as Hal, looking up) Bullshit Face! I've come to bargain!
Parallax: (to Hector) You have failed me.
NC (vo; snickers): It's Sauron's less impressive brother, Moron.
(Hal saves Carol. Parallax invades the Coast City, and Hal battles him...not by his fists or wits, but rather by creating improbable things with his power)
NC (vo): So smoke turds start eating up the town, but not to worry. Green Lantern has a catapult and a spring!
(Sure enough, the green catapult launches a fireball that hits Parallax)
NC: Oh, come on. You couldn't have his bill on backwards after getting hit? (A picture of Parallax with Daffy Duck's bill added on the back of the head is shown)
(The fight continues in space, and Hal creates more cartoonish weapons like a metal claw)
NC (vo): Green Lantern lures him into space, where, like I've been saying, the Looney Tunes movies have better effects... (The clip from Looney Tunes: Back in Action is shown briefly) ...as he puts the "ass" in asteroids.
(Hal then makes two giant jets and sends them flying at Parallax)
NC: (smiling) Oh, look, he's making two jets! It's like...
NC (vo): ...he's conquering his fears!
NC: (stops smiling) Even though he could...just turn into a giant fist and punch-
(Hal punches Parallax with a big green fist he created)
NC: Why did that take so long?!
(Parallax floats towards the sun and is incinerated. An unconscious Hal is saved by Tomar-Re, Kilowog and Sinestro)
NC (vo): So the great evil is defeated...I have no idea why only he (Hal) could do it, but, to my credit, I don't think the movie does either...
(Cut to Hal parting with Carol before flying to Oa)
NC (vo): ...and he says goodbye to his girlfriend.
Carol: Can you take off the mask?
NC: (as Carol) I mean, I want another acting job after this, and the less I'm seeing around you with that mask, the higher that possibility will be.
NC (vo): But there's one other big surprise...I think was supposed to be a surprise...
(The mid-credits scene is shown. Sinestro takes the yellow ring forged by the Guardians and puts it on. His costume turns yellow)
NC (vo; as Sinestro): Yeah, you totally forgot I was in this, didn't you?
(Sinestro opens his eyes, also turned yellow. The movie ends)
NC: (flatly) Green Lantern. Yay. What a...bundle of fun that was. Not that I had any help from my pointless co-reviewer.
("Deadpool" is shown eagerly typing on an Apple laptop)
NC: I'm not playing.
NC: I didn't even say "Who's there?".
Deadpool: Orange you glad I'm awesome? (laughs)
NC: That's it. HYPER!
(A pink balloon floats up in the room with a harp glissando, before popping to reveal Hyper Fangirl)
HFG: Hi, Critic!
NC: Can you tell me what's going on here? I thought having Deadpool in my review would be amazing, but he's just an unamusing dweeb!
HFG: Oh, that's not Deadpool.
NC: It's not?
HFG: No, that's "cosplaying asshole" Deadpool. You know, one of those guys at a convention who, just because he's wearing a Deadpool costume, thinks that he's instantly funny and can do no wrong.
Deadpool: (arms akimbo) I'm gonna judge really hot chicks and act like I have a chance to get with them! (resumes typing)
NC: Oh, that's why he's so insufferable. You see, I thought something that was so clever and timeless would be represented here, but instead I just got an imitation that has no idea what made the original good...you can play clips over this, that's the idea.
(Just as NC said, the clips from the movie play out for the last time to illustrate his closing thought)
NC (vo): It looks like the hero, has the details like the hero, but it's just a pale imitation of the hero. Ugly, unimaginative, not charming, and inspires no joy whatsoever.
NC: All of this was a complete waste of time.
("Deadpool" gasps and holds up guns in both hands)
Deadpool: Boobies! I must have boobies!
NC: Oh, back off, you pervert!
HFG: No, Critic, it's okay.
NC: What? You want him to touch you?
HFG: No. But it's his choice to do it if he wants.
("Deadpool" looks around)
("Deadpool" puts the guns on the table and walks up to HFG. He slowly brings his index finger to touch HFG's chest, but upon doing that, he is instantly tackled by none other than Devil Boner, who beats the living crap out of him with a bat coiled with spikes!)
DB: This! Is what! You get! When you touch! My! Fiancee!!!
HFG: Gasp! Fiancee?!
DB: (turns to HFG) Aw, he made me spoil the surprise. (whacks "Deadpool" again without turning back)
HFG: Cookie batter, is it true?
DB: Well, I left the ring at home, but...oh, hell. Let me steal one of this dickhole's digits.
(He bends down to actually rip "Deadpool"s finger ring off! "Deadpool" is heard screaming appropriately, but HFG is excited)
DB: There we go.
(He makes a ring out of the finger. HFG squeals in delight and runs to Devil Boner)
(NC watches all of this with gladness and amusement. Devil Boner kneels before HFG, presenting the "ring" to her)
DB: Eye-gouger, we're not getting any younger. Would you do me the honor of wearing this ring finger on your ring finger?
HFG: Of course, lemon! Yeah!
DB: I love you, iron stabs!
HFG: Oh! (They hug each other)
Deadpool: (still on the floor, drowsily) I'm funny... (He is hit by the bat once more, but this time by HFG)
NC: (shrugs) Mazel tov, I guess.
DB: Come on! Let's get more smashed than his skull!
HFG: Hooray for booze!
(They happily leave. "Deadpool" moans in pain)
NC: Today's moral: Just because you dress like Deadpool doesn't mean you're Deadpool. And just because you dress like Green Lantern doesn't mean you're Green Lantern. Represent, think it out, and do the right thing. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...I'm gonna kick him a bit more because it's fun.
(He gets up and leaves to kick "Deadpool" once more)
NC: Ooh! I love this.
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Bob: Watch your back.
Hal: That's impossible, Bob.