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Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
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Released
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December 02, 2014
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Running time
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31:20
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Link
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Note:This Transcript is Incomplete
(After the opening sequence, we fade in to the Critic wearing a sweater and reading a book near a fireplace.)
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Merry Christmas. I know a lot of you were expecting me to have some sort of big explosion of joy and cheer like I do all the other years, but...a lot of people have been saying, "That was kinda scary, and not really keeping with the Christmas spirit." So, to keep me more relaxed, I have a Chill-Pill patch, so it'll keep me completely under control. (The camera shows a Chill-Pill patch on the back of his neck.) So, this year, things are gonna be a bit more traditional. We have a fireplace, decorations... we even have snow. (Snowflakes start falling -- indoors.) I have no idea how that's possible.
(Malcolm and Tamara enter to applause from the right.)
NC: Why hello, Malcolm and Tamara! Got some cookies and eggnog for us this holiday season?
Tamara: Yes, to relax us in this time of...This isn't right.
NC: Huh?
Tamara: This is Christmas. You should be able to celebrate it however you want to.
NC: Sorry, Tamara, but I don't want to scare the sweet people at home with my disturbing obsession. I want to be relaxed, soothing, marketable. That's what people like.
Malcolm: Yeah, you weren't here the previous years. Trust me, this is for the best.
Tamara: (Sighs) This isn't right!
(Tamara exits)
Malcolm: (Whispering to Doug) You're doing great!
(Malcolm follows Tamara out)
NC: And seeing as we are having a much more calm and subdued Christmas, we're going to celebrate with a traditional calm, subdued Christmas special. Here's a little ditty I like to call Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer ...Mostly because it's called Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.
(The special's title appears.)
NC (v/o): (Clips from the special play) It only fits that a Christmas song you wish you never knew about, would be given a Christmas special you wish you never knew about. Since its release In 2000, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer has gotten a lot of talk as being one of the most memorably dumb holiday specials ever produced; and while it's not say Christmas Tree bad, it is fascinating in some of the choices it makes.
NC: What are those choices you may ask? Well get ready for a cup of holiday awkwardness, this is Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.
NC (v/o): The film opens with a narration for the singer of the song, Elmo Shropshire, sounding an awful lot like the opening of the Fabulous Secret Powers video.
Narrator (v/o): It's the time of the Christmas season. A time for telling colorful stories.
(Footage from He-Man opening)
Prince Adam: Hi there, I'm Adam, Prince of Eternia.
NC (v/o): Of course he sings the song, as we watch our future roadkill walk to her enchanted hit n' run, and honestly, I know I am going to sound really weird and perverted for saying it; but Grandma's kind of hot.
(The audience starts booing.)
NC: Don't give me that! Okay, I swear I am not into, like, eighty year old women, but...look at the way they drew her. (The changes are shown with each description NC gives her.) Just take away the lines, change the hair, maybe lose the glasses; she's kind of a bombshell.
NC: I don't know what old ladies the director's been looking at, but... Are they single? (The audience resumes booing.) You're thinking the same thing!
Song: But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Narrator (v/o): Grandma got run over by a reindeer alright, and as incredible as that was, it almost put an end to Christmas.
NC (v/o): I love how he describes his Grandma being pummeled as incredible, and then follows it up with the actual bad news, that it almost ended Christmas. I think this guy's way too accepting of violence to the elderly.
Narrator: It was December, and everyone in Cityville was caught up in the chaos of the holiday.
NC (v/o): Yeah, that's right: the town is called "Cityville." Isn't that the place where the Powerpuff Girls fight crime?
(A bunch of YouTube comments about how it's actually Townsville pop up.)
NC: (Dismisses them with annoyance) I know, it's a joke.
NC (v/o): And if you think that's bad, take a look at what the last name of our main characters are.
Narrator (v/o): And that's me, Jake Spankenheimer.
NC (v/o): Spankenheimer? It sounds like a porno German that takes place at an S&M dungeon.
NC: (with a German accent) Guten Tag, I am Spankenheimer, und this is my lover, (shows picture of dominatrix) Fuckfinugen.
NC (v/o): So, it looks like Grandma owns a a shop that even Cracker Barrel would call excessive, where she reads to the kids while the rest of her family takes care of the customers. But her grandson, Jake, is struggling with the idea that maybe Santa Claus doesn't exist
(NC fakes a gasp in shock.)
Daphne: (Mockingly) Adding to your Christmas wish list?
NC (v/o): (sighs in mock nostalgia) I remember when I had a random poster of a mule on my wall. (a green arrow points to a poster of a mule on the wall) It was right next to the globe that no kid has ever owned, yet for some reason, keeps popping up in kids room clichés.
Jake: Tell her, mom! Santa Claus is real.
Mother: Well...there's no easy answer. Uh...historically, there was a Saint Nick; who, with a loving heart, filled children's shoes with gifts of all sorts. So, Santa today represents the true meaning of Christmas: giving to others.
NC: (looks annoyed) See that's funny because um...I'm pretty sure you want to get across that Santa does exist in this world...seeing how it's called Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and you literally just dashed this kid's dreams by bringing up the Saint Nick stuff. We're four fucking minutes in and already you have no idea what your mythology is.
NC (vo): Kinda shatters the illusion, doesn't it? I don't think other stories would hold up as well if they were as inconsistent with their world.
(The opening of Fellowship of the Ring is shown, starting with the Elves and their rings.)
NC (vo): (as Narrator) And so three rings were given to the Elves, who were cookie makers led by Will Ferrell. (Pictures of the Keebler Tree and Will Ferrell as Buddy from Elf are shown.) Seven to the Dwarves who are best known for their harmonizing. (A clip of the Seven Dwarves from Snow White are shown. Next are the Nine Humans.) And the rest were given to...I don't know, there's no easy answer. But there's a wizard (Gandalf) who works at Hogwarts and a little person (Frodo) who lives with the Lannisters. (Frodo is added into a scene involving Cersei, Joffrey and Tywin.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat lunch. (a loud crunch is heard) Mmm, that's good not-caring.
(The front door opens as Dad brings in a large box.)
Jake: Dad, is Santa Claus real?
Father: Uh, heh, what your mother said. Hey, who wants to put up a tree?
Jake: Alright! A Christmas tree!
NC (vo): Yeah, that'll distract from his possibly shattered reality
Father: You're looking at the new inflatable Christmas tree, manufactured by the Cityville OwnAll Corporation.
(Jake's dad pushes on the inflating pad, as the tree fills with air.)
NC (vo): Uh, heh, is the top of that tree looking a little phallic to anyone else? (ornaments pop out) Ooh! That just hurts!
Grandpa: We had to chop our trees down by hand. Never forget the time I had to use a beaver for a chainsaw.
Grandma: Last time you told it, it was a woodpecker.
NC: (beat) So let me get this straight: a penis shaped tree is reminding you of the time when you confused a beaver for a pecker? (beat) The song would be a lot more interesting if you included this stuff in it.
NC (vo): The next day, a shadowy man approaches—even though, lighting-wise, there's no reason he should be like that—who's the CEO of OwnAll Corp, presumedly a division of (Insert logos of the following here) Google and Disney.
Jake: Grandma says you own everything.
Austin Bucks: Not yet, but that's why I wanna speak to your grandma.
NC (vo): (imitating Austin Bucks) I wanna buy her.
Jake: Right now, Grandma Elfenheimer is reading to the kids.
Austin Bucks: I heard about that. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra elf costume I could wear?
NC (vo): I always dress like strange characters to conduct business deals!
NC: You should see what I wore when I tried to get the rights of 50 Shades of Grey! …and did.
Austin Bucks: You'd be selling to the biggest and the best. Do you know why my company controls every mall and sidewalk Santa?
NC (vo): (imitating Austin Bucks) Because as the past voice of a Ninja Turtle, I know firsthand that you can market anything!
Austin Bucks: Your store sits on the perfect place to build the crown jewel of my empire! (skip) Gifts delivered on Christmas Eve by our new sleigh-mobile!
NC (vo): I could also make our obvious commentary stronger by putting Kirk Cameron on top of it!
Grandmother: Jake, do you think I should sell the store?
Jake: Are you kidding? I love this place!
NC (vo): Whoa! What happened to his eyes there?!
Jake: I love this place!
(camera zooms in on his face, where his eyes appear to be derped.)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ! That's fucking scary!
NC: That looks like the mask a movie serial killer would wear!
(insert clip of a scene with a serial killer with Jake's derped face and a woman screaming here.)
NC (vo): But another family member named Cousin Mel, played by Michelle Lee, thisnk Grandma is crazy for not selling.
Mel: Grandma, if this store were mine, I'd sell it.
Grandmother: Cousin Mel, this store will never be yours.
Jake: Oh yeah!
NC (vo): Uhh, I don't know if that was really, "Oh yeah!" worthy. I think it was more of an, "I acknowledge you just said something." worthy.
Song: She'd been drinking too much eggnog…
Father: You've been drinking to much eggnog.
Song: And we begged her not to go.
Grandfather: Please don't go!
Mother: We're begging!
Song: But she forgot her medication…
Grandmother: Besides, I left my medication at the store.
Song: And she staggered out the door into the snow.
(New music plays as a new singer starts singing to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" much to NC's annoyance.)
Song: Critic didn't like this part.
NC: I don't like this part.
Song: Should we also dictate farts?
NC: What? Are we gonna dictate farts?- What the hell are you doing?
Song: ... I'm singing what you are saying.
NC: Why? It's like putting the Adam West theme in The Dark Knight. There's no reason for it.
Song: Well, they're good enough on their own. All we've got's a Grand-Milf to bone.
NC: WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE OLD LADIES HOT?!
Song: We have issues-
NC: Okay, forget it! (rubs his forehead) What was I hoping to accomplish talking to you?
Mel: I'd like to know where Grandma is.
Male cop: She's right, we can work the Santa angle later.
Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.
NC (v/o): Wait a minute! Did she just say "looking for the old broad"?!
Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.
NC (v/o): What the hell kind of family special is this? Somehow, I get the feeling the original song didn't have such choice lyrics!
Grandfather: Sing?
Mel: No, sign.
Grandfather: Sure.
Mel: So, sign!
Grandfather: I'd rather sing!
I.M. Slime: Too late kid. Cousin's Mel attorney, I.M Slime
Jake: You said it, not me.
(Suddenly, without the Chill Pill patch, NC grabs Tamara, and screams in her face! His ensemble is different, his trademark black jacket and tie are back, but he's clad in a green one piece costume which looks kinda like a footy pajama, his beard is painted red, he wears a red mohawk wig, and white facepaint with red ornaments on his cheeks, and pine trees on his eyes! The background flashes red and green *apologies to epileptics.*! Tamara is understandably SCARED OUT OF HER WITS! Then suddenly, it transforms into... a music video? NC stands alone in a spotlight...)
NC: (Singing) I'm full of Christmas Semen. I don't know what it is, but it's HOT.
It's like Heaven's orgasm, inside an oatmeal cookie shot.
(As he sings these lyrics, he slowly zooms in as Malcolm and Tamara both look wary and frightened.)
NC: And when I put my Santa hat on, it's a needle full of Christmas glee!
(He motions towards a Santa hat then appears to inject himself with a needle full of what looks like strawberry jelly. Malcolm and Tamara are even more scared!)
NC: Coating my house in frilly shit, and Disney trademarked intellectual property!
(He gestures towards a pair of moving doilies, as he stalks towards Malcolm and Tamara, and holds up a "copyright document" which says in big bold red print, "THE MOUSE OWNS CHRISTMAS," as what appear to be Mickey and a Disney Princess rise up behind him, and then in a thunder clap, look at Malcolm and Tamara with glowing red eyes!)
Malcolm/Tamara: (Jumping in fear) AHH!
(They make a run for it! They run away as the background changes to a snow-filled area with three pine trees, and a log cabin in the distance. And NC continues with his insanity!)
NC: Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING!
And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
(He dashes towards a neighborhood with one house that looks like it has Christmas lights up...)
NC: Setting up the lights so my (The lights illuminate to make it look like it's singing with Critic!) FUCKING HOUSE SINGS!
Cause I'm FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS!
(Malcolm and Tamara run, as NC skips behind them merrily!)
NC: If Christmas was living, I'd fuck it to death!
And then consume its body for its Christmas Breath!
(Tamara and Malcolm run in the hopes to lose this maniac! NC Pirouettes across the field, and then stops in the center!)
NC: Cause it's GROWING! I'M NOT STOPPING!!
And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
(With each "Fu", the scene behind him explodes! We then see someone dressed like Jesus standing on a "stage" with a crucifix behind him.)
NC: (Talking) Ladies and Gentlemen! Jesus Christ on the electric guitar!
(And Jesus *which this is a missed opportunity, because it totally shoulda been Santa Christ* begins playing a rock rendition of "Jingle Bells!")
NC: APPLAUD! YOU APPLAUD GODDAMMIT! HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS!!!
I'll buy all things red and green, accumulating mountains of debt.
(Tamara and Malcolm try to flee, only to be blocked by a gingerbread man.)
Gingerbread: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!
NC: I'll let it ruin my life, making it the best Christmas yet!
(With another explosion NC and Jesus rise up behind them on top of a giant Christmas tree.)
NC: And I'll play those Christmas carols, until my ears will bleed with Christmas cheer!
(Turns his head to show his ears are bleeding.)
NC: It'll scare the shit out of you, but it's only getting bigger every year!
(NC pops up behind Tamara and Malcolm, his head on top of a snowman's body, screaming and scaring them away.)
(cut to NC pirouettes next to a Christmas tree, before grabbing and humping it 'till it explodes)
NC: Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING!
And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
(Next we see the Rankin/Bass Rudolph and Hermes from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who look up with fear as NC comes in smashing the stop motion set to death.)
NC: I'll love those stop motion specials that scare the shit out of me!
Cause I'm FUCKING BAT-SHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS!
(A demonic Santa bounces across the screen revealing flash animated hot chocolate on NC, then he's in a blond wig, holding a shotgun *parodying Ralphie from A Christmas Story.)
NC: I'll bathe in hot chocolate 'till my skin is red!
And I'll quote Christmas Story (head expands as he screams at Tamara and Malcolm) 'TILL YOUR SOUL IS DEAD!
(NC riding in a sled pulled by four more NCs, and with each "Fu" he pops up on a different angle and does a different pose.)
NC: Cause I'm SOAKING in sweet TOPPINGS!
And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
(cut to NC on the computer, looking back and forth at the camera and the monitor, typing madly)
NC: And the meals! And the deals! And the feels! And the steals at the SEARS!
(cut to NC and Jesus Christ rocking back and forth behind Tamara and Malcolm who run off screen)
NC: Keep it longer! Make it stronger! Nothing's wrong here! I could stay here all YEAR!
Tamara: HELP, HE'S A FUCKING MADMAN!!
(Tamara and Malcolm keep running as NC and Jesus Christ float after them.)
NC: Smell the crazy! Feeling hazy! Something's tasty! At the Macy's DOWNTOWN!
(NC jumps down in front of Tamara and Malcolm, before spontaneously setting on fire.)
NC: Getting higher! Feeling wired! I'm inspired! I'm on fire right NOW!
(Tamara and Malcolm scream and run the other way. NC turns around and around amongst signs advertising signs.)
NC: I love the overmarketing for making doubloons! (iTunes logo pops up) By the way this song is available on iTunes!
(NC is now a giant stomping across the Christmas landscape towards Malcolm and Tamara.)
NC: I wanna smash it open 'til it's stiff and cold and search its brains for that Christmas gold and drink its blood 'til I lose control and the Christmas madness will take its toll!
(A gunshot rings out, and a surprised NC pulls a syringe out of his hindquarters, mulls over it, and promptly collapses, bringing us back to the studio.)
Malcolm: (with tranq rifle, to Tamara) Don't ever fucking do that again!
Tamara: I'm sorry!
Malcolm: What he has is a sickness that can only be cured by repression and tranquilizers.
Tamara: Yeah, that was fucking scary!
(Malcolm and Tamara begin to walk away.)
NC: (softly) It's snowing, I love shopping, and I fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fucking love Christmas. Enough to build tranquilizer immunity, I must be fucking batshit crazy about...
Malcolm: Wait, what did he say?
(They turn around, and NC is back on his feet advancing towards them along with guitar Jesus, backing them against the door in fear.)
NC: (Loudly again) I'll kill anyone not celebrating with me! Your resistance is feeding my insanity! 'Cause it's snowing, I love shopping! So put the star on top of the tree and buy me a fucking TV! We're going on a shopping spree! My stocking's filled with DVDs! My heart is filling up with glee, can't help what's coming over me,
I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
(NC gives a sigh of relief.)
NC: Boy, that did feel good. Thanks so much you guys. Hey Jesus!
(NC walks off to his left. Jesus plays a quick couple notes on his guitar and follows.)