December 02, 2014
(After the opening sequence, we fade in to the Critic wearing a sweater and reading a book near a fireplace.)
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Merry Christmas. I know a lot of you were expecting me to have some sort of big explosion of joy and cheer like I do all the other years, but…a lot of people have been saying, "That was kinda scary, and not really keeping with the Christmas spirit." So, to keep me more relaxed, I have a Chill-Pill patch, (The camera shows a Chill-Pill patch on the back of his neck.) so it'll keep me completely under control. So, this year, things are gonna be a bit more traditional. We have a fireplace, decorations; we even have snow. (Snowflakes start falling—indoors.) I have no idea how that's possible.
(Malcolm and Tamara enter to applause from the right.)
NC: Why, hello, Malcolm and Tamara! Got some cookies and eggnog for us this holiday season?
Tamara: Yes, to relax us in this time of—This isn't right.
Tamara: This is Christmas. You should be able to celebrate it however you want to.
(Malcolm shakes his head.)
NC: Sorry, Tamara, but I don't want to scare the sweet people at home with my disturbing obsession. I want to be relaxed, soothing, marketable. That's what people like.
Malcolm: (to Tamara) Yeah, you weren't here the previous years. Trust me, this is for the best.
Tamara: (sighs) This isn't right!
Malcolm: (whispering to Doug) You're doing great!
(Malcolm follows Tamara out.)
NC: And seeing as we are having a much more calm and subdued Christmas, we're going to celebrate with a traditional calm, subdued Christmas special. Here's a little ditty I like to call Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer…mostly because it's called Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
(The special's title appears, before showing its clips.)
NC (v/o): It only fits that a Christmas song you wish you never knew about would be given a Christmas special you wish you never knew about. Since its release In 2000, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer has gotten a lot of talk as being one of the most memorably dumb holiday specials ever produced; and while it's not, say, Christmas Tree-bad, it is fascinating in some of the choices it makes.
(NC is back to wearing his normal clothes and is sitting at his usual spot)
NC: What are those choices, you may ask? Well, get ready for a cup of holiday awkwardness, this is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
NC (v/o): The film opens with a narration for the singer of the song, Elmo Shropshire, sounding an awful lot like the opening of the Fabulous Secret Powers video.
Narrator: It's the Christmas season. A time for telling colorful stories.
(Footage from He-Man opening)
Prince Adam: Hi, there, I'm Adam, Prince of Eternia.
NC (v/o): Of course, he sings the song, as we watch our future roadkill walk to her enchanted hit n' run, and honestly, I know I am going to sound really weird and perverted for saying it; but Grandma's kind of hot.
NC: Don't give me that! Okay, I swear I am not into, like, eighty year old women, but…look at the way they drew her. (The changes are shown with each description NC gives her.) Just take away the lines, change the hair, maybe lose the glasses; she's kind of a bombshell.
NC: I don't know what old women the director's been looking at, but…are they single? (BOOOOOOOOOO!!) You're thinking the same thing!
Song: But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Narrator: Grandma got run over by a reindeer, all right. And as incredible as that was, it almost put an end to Christmas.
NC (v/o): I love how he describes his Grandma being pummeled as incredible, and then follows it up with the actual bad news, that it almost ended Christmas. I think this guy's way too accepting of violence to the elderly.
Narrator: It was December, and everyone in Cityville was caught up in the chaos of the holiday.
(A bunch of YouTube comments about how it's actually Townsville pop up.)
NC: (dismisses them with annoyance) I know, it's a joke.
NC (v/o): And if you think that's bad, take a listen to what the last name of our main characters are.
Narrator: And that's me, Jake Spankenheimer.
NC (v/o): Spankenheimer? It sounds like a German porno that takes place at an S&M dungeon.
NC: (with a German accent) Guten Tag, I am Spankenheimer, und this is my lover, (shows picture of dominatrix) Fuckfinugen.
NC (v/o): So, it looks like Grandma owns a shop that even Cracker Barrel would call excessive, where she reads to the kids while the rest of her family takes care of the customers. But her grandson named Jake is struggling with the idea that maybe Santa Claus doesn't exist.
(NC fakes a gasp in shock.)
Daphne: (mockingly) Adding to your Christmas wish list?
NC (v/o): (sighs in mock nostalgia) I remember when I had a random poster of a mule on my wall. (a green arrow points to a poster of a mule on the wall) It was right next to the globe that no kid has ever owned, yet for some reason, keeps popping up in kids room cliché.
Jake: Tell her, Mom! Santa Claus is real.
Mother: Well…there's no easy answer. Uh…historically, there was a Saint Nick; who, with a loving heart, filled children's shoes with gifts of all sorts. So, Santa today represents the true meaning of Christmas: giving to others.
NC: (looks annoyed) See, that's funny, because, um…I'm pretty sure you want to get across that Santa exists in this world…seeing how it's called Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and you literally just dashed this kid's dreams by bringing up the Saint Nick stuff. We're four fucking minutes in and already, you have no idea what your mythology is.
NC (v/o): Kinda shatters the illusion, doesn't it? I don't think other stories would hold up as well if they were as inconsistent with their world.
(The opening of Fellowship of the Ring is shown, starting with the Elves and their rings.)
NC (v/o; as Narrator): And so, three rings were given to the Elves, who were cookie makers led by Will Ferrell. (Pictures of the Keebler Tree and Will Ferrell as Buddy from Elf are shown.) Seven to the Dwarves, who are miners best known for their harmonizing. (A clip of the Seven Dwarves from Snow White are shown. Next are the Nine Humans.) And the rest were given to…I don't know, there's no easy answer. But there's a wizard (Gandalf) who works at Hogwarts and a little person (Frodo) who lives with the Lannisters. (Frodo is added into a scene involving Cersei Lannister, Joffrey Baratheon and Tywin Lannister from Game of Thrones.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat lunch. (a loud crunch is heard) Mmm, that's good not-caring.
(The front door opens as Dad brings in a large box.)
Jake: Dad, is Santa Claus real?
Frank: (the father) Uh, heh, what your mother said. Hey, who wants to put up a tree?
Jake: All right! A Christmas tree!
NC (v/o): Yeah, that'll distract from his possibly shattered reality.
Frank: You're looking at the new inflatable Christmas tree, manufactured by the Cityville OwnAll Corporation.
(Frank pushes on the inflating pad, as the tree fills with air.)
NC (v/o): Uh, heh, is the top of that tree looking a little phallic to anyone else? (ornaments pop out)
NC: Ooh! That just hurts!
Grandpa: We had to chop our trees down by hand. Never forget the time I had to use a beaver for a chainsaw.
Grandma: Last time you told it, it was a woodpecker.
NC: (beat) So let me get this straight: a penis-shaped tree is reminding you of the time when you confused a beaver for a pecker? (beat) The song would be a lot more interesting if you included this stuff in it.
NC (v/o): The next day, a shadowy man approaches—even though, lighting-wise, there's no reason he should be like that—who's the CEO of OwnAll Corp, presumably a division of (Insert logos of the following here) Google and Disney.
Jake: Grandma says you own everything.
Austin Bucks: Well, not yet, but that's why I wanna speak to your grandma.
NC (v/o; as Austin Bucks): I wanna buy her.
Jake: Right now, Grandma Elfenheimer is reading to the kids.
Austin Bucks: I heard about that. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra elf costume I could wear?
NC (v/o, as Austin): I always pointlessly dress like strange characters to conduct business deals!
NC: You should see what I wore when I tried to get the rights of 50 Shades of Grey! …and did.
Austin Bucks: You'd be selling to the biggest and the best. Do you know why my company controls every mall and sidewalk Santa?
NC (v/o; as Austin Bucks): Because as the past voice of a Ninja Turtle*, I know firsthand that you can market anything!
- Voiced by Cam Clarke, who voiced Leonardo.
Austin Bucks: Your store sits on the perfect place to build the crown jewel of my empire! (skip) Gifts delivered on Christmas Eve by our new sleigh-mobile!
NC (v/o): I could also make our obvious commentary stronger by putting Kirk Cameron on top of it!
Grandmother: Jake, do you think I should sell the store?
Jake: Are you kidding? I love this place!
NC (v/o): Whoa! What happened to his eyes there?!
Jake: I love this place!
(Camera zooms in on his face, where his eyes appear to be derped.)
NC (v/o): Jesus Christ! That's fucking scary!
NC: That looks like the mask a movie serial killer would wear!
(Insert clip of a scene of Jason Voorhees with Jake's derped face and a woman screaming here.)
NC (v/o): But another family member named Cousin Mel, played by Michelle Lee, thinks Grandma is crazy for not selling.
Mel: Grandma, if this store were mine, I'd sell it.
Grandmother: Cousin Mel, this store will never be yours.
Jake: Oh, yeah!
NC (v/o): Uhh, I don't know if that was really "Oh, yeah!" worthy. I think it was more of an "I acknowledge you just said something" worthy.
Narrator: The way I see it, you can divide the world into two groups: people who like fruitcake, and all the rest of us. (Another song, "Grandma's Killer Fruitcake," starts up)
NC (v/o): Wait, fruitcake? What does liking fruitcake have to do with any—?
Song: Holidays were upon us…
NC (v/o): Really? This is warranting of a song?
Song: Grandma's killer fruitcake!
NC (v/o): You're so obviously not interested in what your characters are going through that you gave a song to a fucking fruitcake? This is like that Whose Line Is It Anyway game where you have to make up a song out of a random word you just said!
NC: So then my grandmother made fruitcake and— (buzzer sounds and a piano plays a Minsky pickup) Oh, really? Uhh… (tries to sing while dancing in his chair) Fruitcake, fruitcake, how do you sing about fruitcake?
Song: Heavier as a sermon of preacher lucky / One's enough to give the whole state of Kentucky a great big belly-ache! (The animated state of Kentucky is seen belching)
NC (v/o; as crew member): So, what'd you do today, Frank? (as another crew member) Well, I animated the state of Kentucky belching. Living the dream. (normal voice) So Grandma gets ready to take her treat to the community services building—presumably trying to get on the cover of Mother Teresa Weekly—as the song quite obnoxiously sings what they're already verbally telling us!
Song: She'd been drinking too much eggnog…
Frank: You've been drinking too much eggnog.
Song: …and we begged her not to go.
Grandpa: Please don't go!
Mother: We're begging!
Song: But she forgot her medication…
Grandma: Besides, I left my medication at the store.
Song: …and she staggered out the door into the snow.
(New music plays as a new singer starts singing to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" much to NC's annoyance.)
Song: Critic didn't like this part.
NC: I don't like this part.
Song: Should we also dictate farts?
NC: What? Are we gonna dictate farts?
Song: It makes...
NC: What the hell are you doing?
Song: I'm singing what you are saying.
NC: Why? It's like putting the Adam West theme in The Dark Knight. There's no reason for it.
Song: Well, they're good enough on their own / All we've got's a GrandMILF to bone.
NC: WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE OLD LADIES HOT?!
Song: We have issues—
NC: Okay, forget it! (rubs his forehead) What was I hoping to accomplish talking to you?
NC (v/o): As expected, Santa comes a-knockin' on Granny's temple and conks her literally out cold.
Song: You can say there's no such thing as Santa / But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
NC (v/o): And that's the special, kids! Her funeral was three days later. ("R.I.P. Grandma with No First Name") No, no—if only it was that simple—no, the special keeps going as Jake tries to tell everybody what he saw.
Jake: Santa Claus was flying low like this, and Grandma was walking like this, and then Rudolph was here, and—
Mother: Now, honey, you must've had a bad dream.
Mel: In case you haven't noticed, Frank, your son suffers from a dreaded affliction.
Frank: What affliction?
Mel: The Santa-Claus-is-Real Syndrome. He's got all the symptoms: writing lists to Santa…
NC (v/o): OK, guys, while you're having this friendly little chat, there is an old lady face down in the snow freezing to death! I don't think the boy should be as comfortably calm as he is! (Family opens the door.) But, strangely enough, when they open the door, Grandma appears to be gone.
Cut to Frank talking on the phone with an officer, though we hear sped-up talking obscuring the conversation.
Frank: That's right, Officer. Missing. Hit by Santa's sleigh. Yes, we've been drinking eggnog.
NC (v/o; as Dave Seville): ALVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!! Stop impersonating a Cityville cop! (NC's Alvin laughs)
Male cop: Sorry, son, impossible. Right here in the manual: there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Jake: Is, too!
Female cop: Oh! We got a code 12-25: Santa-Claus-is-Real Syndrome family dispute!
NC (v/o): Wow, the Saturday morning version of Fargo is a lot more different than I thought it would be…
NC: …though the special could be saved with Grandma in the woodchipper.
Female cop: …what appears to be an impression of a person in the snow, look there! But how do we know it's Grandma?
Mel spots a note in the snow, grabs it, and mischievously hides it in her coat.
NC (v/o): My God, a ransom note from Santa! It says if you want to see Grandma alive, you'll hand over ALL the cookies!
Mel: I'd like to know where Grandma is.
Male cop: Good point; we can work the Santa angle later.
Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.
NC (v/o): Wait a minute! Did she just say "looking for the old broad"?!
Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.
NC (v/o): What the hell kind of family special is this?! Somehow, I get the feeling the original song didn't have such choice lyrics! (as Singer while instrumental version of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" plays) The old broad got run over by a reindeer / Lousy bitch was blind as a one-eyed whore! (as Director) CUT! Cut, cut, cut! (music fades) (stammers as Singer) What? What? (normal voice) So after literally months go by—yeah, this is sort of a "Christmas and a half" special—they declare Grandma officially DEAD and walk around the house in funeral clothes—clearly with the sister going through something (green arrow points to sister's hair)—as the business starts to fade without her presence. So Cousin Mel tries to sell the store, but C.E. Leo tells her that she can't without Grandpa Geppetto's signature. So she takes him out and tries to force him to sign.
Mel: It's right here in these papers; all you have to do is sign.
Mel: No, sign.
Mel: So, sign!
Grandpa: I'd rather sing!
Sure enough, another song ("Grandma's Spending Christmas with the Superstars") begins as Grandpa sings with a three-piece band seen backing him up.
Grandpa: (sings) Grandma's spending—
NC (v/o): WOW. Fucking WOW. I thought the fruitcake transition was bad, but that is by far the WORST SEGUE to a song ever conceived! I mean, amazing; you put no thought or effort into that transition whatsoever! You just jumped without a parachute and didn't care at all what the consequences would be.
NC as Mel: All right, then, just sign.
NC as Grandpa: Did you say "It's been one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"; five days since you laughed at me saying "get that together; come back and see me"?
NC as Mel: No! I said, sign!
NC as Grandpa: Oh… 'cause you know, I got (shows picture of…) a music video crew ready to go… Lights, camera, (onscreen) the whole thing; I just…
NC as Mel: Well, I didn't say that!
NC as Grandpa: Well, I feel silly.
NC (v/o): Oh, and extra points for including a shot of her undies flying off. Because, Lord knows, after the "old broad" line, we just HAD to level out with something more family-friendly!
NC: (cringes) I need a break from weird, sexualized grannies; I'm gonna look up some proper Christmas porn. (NC picks up his phone and does just that) Ooh, "Jingle Balls All the Way"! (facial expression changes to surprise) And Schwarzenegger's in it.
We come back from commercial break.
NC (v/o): So Grandpa signs the papers after hearing his dumbass song, which comes to the dismay of Jake.
Mel: I'm going over to see Austin Bucks and sell this dump for millions!
NC (v/o): Millions? This place was worth millions the whole time?*
Jake: Grandpa, how could you do that?!?
NC (v/o): What do you mean, how could he do that? Fucking millions, you little idiot!
Mel is seen pushing what looks like a cake off the counter, which rolls at Jake's feet.
Jake: I've got to stop her!
NC (v/o): Why?!? Think of all the people you can help! Think of all the hungry you can feed! Think of all the charities you can give to!
NC: Are you saying you'd rather read stories to—(NC counts the kids sitting with Grandma.) 1-2-3—three kids and serve—(NC counts the other customers in the store.) 1-2-3-4-5—six customers as opposed to how thousands and thousands of people not going to bed hungry tonight? (beat) I think Grandma's actually fucking INSANE!
- - The store is not worth millions. Mel just wanted all the money so she could use it on herself.
NC (v/o): But, nevertheless, we got to keep her tradition alive and well, as Jake tries to talk to Mel's lawyer.
Jake: Please don't buy Grandma's store!
I.M. Slime: Too late, kid. Cousin Mel's attorney, I.M Slime.
Jake: You said it, not me.
Shots of NC looking around in silence and a still Jake are shown.
A still shot of Jake is seen again for a second before we finally go to the next shot.
Austin Bucks: Sorry, Jake…
NC (v/o; sighs): Did they really think people would be laughing so hard at that line they actually needed a pause for it? Did they work hours on that line? Did they think people would just be in an uproar over the amounts of laughter that they were producing?
Jake: You said it, not me.
NC: (looks around before realizing) Oh, sorry, the applause sign was broken. (NC hits the broken "laughter" sign with his elbow and laughter is heard.)
NC (v/o): So, of all people, C.E. Leo thinks up the most obvious thing that the kid can do.
Austin Bucks: If you really think that Grandma was run over by Santa's reindeer, then find him! He should know where Grandma is.
Jake: Okay, I will!
NC (v/o): Eh—and just a mere nine months later, he's finally doing what he should've been doing from Day Fucking One!
Jake: (while typing up email on his computer) "To Santa Claus at SantaClausIsReal.com."
NC (v/o): He writes an email to Santa which…now that I think about it, how old can the grownup version of this kid telling the story be if there's goddamn email in it…and Santa eventually gets it. Sure enough, it turns out Santa had Grandma the whole time. And when I say "had," I don't mean in that way.
NC: …I think.
NC (v/o): I mean, she claims she has amnesia, but were there no other hospitals to take her to? No police stations? His only recourse was to whisk her off all the way to the fucking North Pole? Hell, he KNOWS who everyone in the world is, so couldn't he, through deduction, figure out where she lives? It's not like she was that far away from the house! I mean, by God, nine fucking months of signs and milk cartons and Santa never came across any of that?! Even the signs I could kind of understand, but the milk cartons, the fucking milk cartons—milk and cookies, hello, kind of his thing—I THINK he would notice a goddamn carton or two!
Santa Claus: Grandma Spankenheimer?
Grandma: Nope, never met her. But you might ask one of those short fellers!
Santa Claus: Classic case of amnesia; can't remember a thing!
NC (v/o; chuckles): Wait… Is it me or does Santa sound Jewish?
Santa Claus: If I could meet just one stinkin' person who understands the holidays…
NC: (beat) This raises so many puzzling questions! This is, like, the Christmas Da Vinci Code!
NC (v/o): So one of the elves goes to tell Jake that his Grandma is okay.
Jake: You're an elf!
Quincy: The genuine art.
Jake and Quincy then touch fingers, which gives off a surprising shock making them yelp in surprise.
NC: (beat) Well, that was a confusing parody. Should we throw in some random Wizard of Oz references while we're at it?
Quincy: Would you like to find your Grandma? Then, follow me!
NC (v/o): So all the Whos in Who-the-Fuck-Greenlit-This?-ville gather around to see the reunion of Jake and his grandma, but Grandma still has amnesia.
Jake: It's me, Jake! Don't you remember?
Grandma: Eh—nope. Nothing.
NC: Show her her Tweety Bird! That'll jog her memory!
NC (v/o): So even though she still doesn't remember, she agrees to go with Jake and Santa to stop the store from being sold, but Cousin Mel sees Grandma and decides to kidnap her. I guess she's kinda used to it after being held hostage for nine months.
Jake: Grandma! We couldn't find her anywhere!
NC (v/o): This, of course, leads to one logical conclusion.
Mel: Since Grandma is nowhere to be found, and the man in the red suit admitted he ran over her, I demand you have Santa arrested for the disappearance of Grandma!
NC (v/o; laughs): Wait, what?! (Newspaper with headline "Santa In Jail" is seen) Uh, I don't think that would be the headline. The real headline would be "Holy Shit, Santa Claus Is Real! Scientists study flying reindeer for advance warfare." Meanwhile, our two villains hold on to a surprisingly-accepting-of-her-kidnapping Grandma—okay, just because she has amnesia doesn't mean she'll do anything! An older person wouldn't just stay locked up in a cabin with no questions asked! Unless you're in (clip from the Breaking Bad episode, "Granite State," is shown) this cabin next door, but I just don't ask questions with that guy.
I.M. Slime: Santa Claus must be worth a fortune. Your share, as Grandma's financial advisor, is…Woof!
Another song, "Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa," begins as I.M. Slime and Mel sing and dance behind tropical backgrounds.
Mel/I.M. Slime: (singing) Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa…
NC (v/o): Well, looks like the animators took another toke break and accidentally sent the wrong footage to the studio again. Are there any song sequences that don't look like bad Flash animation e-cards? Could you just see someone sending this to a co-worker?
Looping animation of I.M. Slime and Mel dancing is shown with text reading "Have a Tropical Birthday, Connie! This Cost Me Nothing to Send You!" and a said picture of that person.
Mel/I.M. Slime: (singing) Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa / He knows the law is on his side!
I.M. Slime: On his side!
Cut to the front of a courthouse with a group of protesters and a news reporter.
Reporter: I'm at the courthouse where the sensational Santa Claus trial is reaching its climax. District Attorney Hardtongue is making his impassioned summation.
NC (v/o): Okay, Hardtongue? Really, fucking Hardtongue—for fuck's sakes, are there any names in this world that aren't fitting character traits given by two-year-olds? (Camera shows the judge) Your Honor Black Judge? (Back to Jake and his derped eyes) Boy McCrazy Pupil?
District attorney: The evidence proves that Santa Claus is responsible for Grandma's disappearance. So, if the beard fits, you must convict!
NC: (beat) Well, that doesn't date this at all. Care to throw in a Borat joke while you're at it?
NC (v/o): But Jake finds his Grandma, jogs her memory, and brings her to the jury of Dilbert caricatures to explain their case.
Jake: If you and the jury would taste this fruitcake. (pulls fruitcake out of his bag) This one was made by Grandma using her special ingredients. Taste it, and then compare it to the pieces of cake found at the scene of the alleged crime. I think we'll find a difference between the two.
NC as Jake: (as Johnnie Cochran) Now, I may be an old-fashioned lawyer child but I do say: If the cake tastes like shit, you must acquit! (looking to the side) Oh, we referenced that one already? Oh, okay, how 'bout this one? Um… SMOKIN'! (poses like Jim Carrey's Mask character)
NC (v/o): And I gotta say, for a special obviously made for seven-year-olds, there is a lot of court talk in the last five minutes of this film.
Lawyer: I object!
Grandpa: This is a note Santa left at the accident scene…
Lawyer: Sleighicular negligence—
Jake: State's evidence number 12.
Lawyer: For the charge of leaving the scene of an accident—
Grandpa: Dust it for fingerprints!
NC (v/o): Do they honestly think they have to represent the justice system as properly as possible? Are people really going to question the legal ramifications of "Grandma Got Fucking Run Over By a Reindeer"?
Mel: All right, I admit it! I hid the note!
Mel: And, I made Grandpa sign over his rights to the store!
Mel: I'm behind this evil trial.
Mel: And I hate the goody-goody feelings of Christmas!
NC: Wow! Saying the word "and" really seems to be the ultimate truth serum!
Jake (NC): And?
Mel (NC): And I got a sex change when I was 20!
Jake (NC): And?
Mel (NC): And I'm responsible for killing JFK!
Jake (NC): And?
Mel (NC): And I like scheisse with puppies, while shoving candy corn up my anus, and licking lollipops made out of the flavored tears of orphaned children! (Stills showing the Jury and Prosecutor looking incredibly disturbed by this last revelation are shown.)
Jake (NC): And?
Lawyer: Arrest this woman for obstructing justice and almost ruining Christmas!
Female cop: That's what you get for being selfish and stupid! (dubbed over with audio of Marge Gunderson from Fargo) There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don't you know that?
NC (v/o): And just to bookend the story, I guess, they decide to run over the old broad once again.
Grandma: Oh, no! Reindeer nip! Not again! (She gets run over by the reindeer…again.)
Song: Grandma got run over by a reindeer (Still shot of Grandma laying face down is shown with the text "She never woke up.")* / Walking home from our house Christmas Eve…(And the credits roll)
- Grandma doesn't really die
NC: So that was Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. It's about as good as the song.
Clips are shown as NC sums up his review.
NC (v/o): It's totally pointless and half-assed, which is strange, seeing that the director (Phil Roman) has done some other good holiday stuff in the past (like A Garfield Christmas, which a poster of it is shown), but I will say that there is something kind of comical to just how forced it all is. You just can't believe how lazy the segues are, what cutouts the characters remain, and how utterly unnecessary everything in this special is. I suppose, in that sense, it is kind of worth seeing just to witness how uninspired a commercial knock-off of an already popular pretty annoying song could be. But if you're looking for something to truly win you over this holiday, might I recommend Kahlúa and eggnog? (A picture of Kahlúa and Evan Williams Egg Nog bottles are shown.)
NC: (sighs as he returns to his fireplace setting in the clothes he was wearing before) I hope you enjoyed that. And I'm so sorry I couldn't have my traditional over-the-top reaction to Christmas this year, but like every element of our media says: It should be calm, relaxing, soothing…just a little bit silly. Just like Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. So, from all of us to you, I wish you a very Merry Christmas—
Tamara: (interrupting NC) NO! Critic, this isn't right! (Malcolm tries to hold her back) You shouldn't repress yourself during the holidays!
Malcolm: You don't know what you're doing!
Tamara: You should be able to express yourself however you want!
Malcolm: Tamara, stop!
Tamara: Critic, you're free! (rips off Chill Pill patch) FREE!!!
Malcolm: (grabs Tamara) Tamara, what have you done?!?
Tamara: Oh, Malcolm. No one should have to hold back their feelings on Christmas. Christmas is about love, beauty, and the acceptance of your— (she is grabbed from behind) Whoa!
Suddenly, without the Chill Pill patch, NC grabs Tamara, and screams in her face! His ensemble is different, his trademark black jacket and tie are back, but he's clad in a green one piece costume which looks kinda like a footy pajama, his beard is painted red, he wears a red mohawk wig, and white face paint with red ornaments on his cheeks, and pine trees on his eyes! The background flashes red and green (apologies to epileptics)! Tamara is understandably SCARED OUT OF HER WITS! Then suddenly, it transforms into…a music video?
NC stands alone in a spotlight.
NC: (singing) ♫ I'm full of Christmas Semen. I don't know what it is, but it's HOT. / It's like Heaven's orgasm, inside an oatmeal cookie shot. ♫
As he sings these lyrics, he slowly zooms in as Malcolm and Tamara both look wary and frightened.
NC: (singing) ♫ And when I put my Santa hat on, it's a needle full of Christmas glee! ♫
He motions towards a Santa hat then appears to inject himself with a needle full of what looks like strawberry jelly. Malcolm and Tamara are even more scared!
NC: (singing) ♫ Coating my house in frilly shit, and Disney trademarked intellectual property! ♫
He gestures towards a pair of moving doilies, as he stalks towards Malcolm and Tamara, and holds up a "copyright document" which says in big bold red print, "THE MOUSE OWNS CHRISTMAS," as what appear to be Mickey and a Disney Princess rise up behind him, and then in a thunder clap, look at Malcolm and Tamara with glowing red eyes!
Malcolm/Tamara: (jumping in fear) AHH!
They make a run for it! They run away as the background changes to a snow-filled area with three pine trees, and a log cabin in the distance. And NC continues with his insanity!
NC: (singing) ♫ 'Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING! / And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! ♫
(He dashes towards a neighborhood with one house that looks like it has Christmas lights up…)
NC: (singing) ♫ Setting up the lights so my (The lights illuminate to make it look like it's singing with Critic!) FUCKING HOUSE SINGS! / 'Cause I'm FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS! ♫
Malcolm and Tamara run, as NC skips behind them merrily!
NC: (singing) ♫ If Christmas was living, I'd fuck it to death! / And then consume its body for its Christmas Breath! ♫
Tamara and Malcolm run in the hopes to lose this maniac! NC Pirouettes across the field, and then stops in the center!
NC: (singing) ♫ 'Cause it's GROWING! I'M NOT STOPPING!! / And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! ♫
With each "Fu", the scene behind him explodes! We then see Rob Scallon dressed like Jesus standing on a "stage" with a crucifix behind him.
NC: Ladies and gentlemen! Jesus Christ on the electric guitar!
And Jesus (which this is a missed opportunity, because it totally shoulda been Santa Christ) begins playing a rock rendition of "Jingle Bells!"
NC: APPLAUD! YOU APPLAUD, GODDAMMIT! HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS!!! (singing) ♫ I'll buy all things red and green, accumulating thousands in debt. ♫
Tamara and Malcolm try to flee, only to be blocked by a gingerbread man.
Gingerbread Man: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!
NC: (singing) ♫ I'll let it ruin my life, making it the best Christmas yet! ♫
With another explosion NC and Jesus rise up behind them on top of a giant Christmas tree.
NC: (singing) ♫ And I'll play those Christmas carols, until my ears will bleed with Christmas cheer! ♫
Turns his head to show his ears are bleeding with Christmas cheer. An echo of "Christmas cheer!" is heard.
NC: (singing) ♫ It'll scare the shit out of you, but it's only getting bigger every year! ♫
NC pops up behind Tamara and Malcolm, his head on top of a snowman's body, screaming and scaring them away. We then cut to NC doing pirouettes next to a Christmas tree, before grabbing and humping it 'till it explodes!
NC: (singing) ♫ 'Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING! / And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! ♫
Next we see the Rankin/Bass Rudolph and Hermes from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who look up with fear as NC comes in smashing the stop motion set to death.
NC: (singing) ♫ I'll love those stop-motion specials that scare the shit out of me! / 'Cause I'm FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS! ♫
A demonic Santa bounces across the screen revealing flash animated hot chocolate on NC, then he's in a blond wig, holding a shotgun parodying Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
NC: (singing) ♫ I'll bathe in hot chocolate 'till my skin is red! / And I'll quote Christmas Story (head expands as he screams at Tamara and Malcolm) TILL YOUR SOUL IS DEAD! ♫
NC riding in a sled pulled by four more NCs, and with each "Fu" he pops up on a different angle and does a different pose.
NC: (singing) ♫ 'Cause I'm SOAKING in sweet TOPPINGS! / And I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! ♫
Cut to NC on the computer, looking back and forth at the camera and the monitor, typing madly.
NC: (singing) ♫ And the deals! And the meals! And the feels! And the steals at the SEARS! ♫
(Cut to NC and Jesus Christ rocking back and forth behind Tamara and Malcolm who run off screen)
NC: (singing) ♫ Keep it longer! Make it stronger! Nothing's wrong here! I could stay here all YEAR! ♫
Tamara: HELP, HE'S A FUCKING MADMAN!!
Tamara and Malcolm keep running as NC and Jesus Christ float after them.
NC: (singing) ♫ Smell the crazy! Feeling hazy! Something's tasty! At the Macy's DOWNTOWN! ♫
NC jumps down in front of Tamara and Malcolm, before spontaneously setting on fire.
NC: (singing) ♫ Getting higher! Feeling wired! I'm inspired! I'm on fire right NOW! ♫
Tamara and Malcolm scream and run the other way. NC turns around and around amongst signs advertising signs.
NC: ♫ I love the overmarketing for making doubloons! / (iTunes logo pops up) By the way, this song's available on iTunes! ♫
(NC is now a giant stomping across the Christmas landscape towards Malcolm and Tamara.)
NC: ♫ I wanna smash it open 'til it's stiff and cold / and then search its brains for its Christmas gold / and then drink its blood 'til I lose control / and the Christmas madness will take its TOLL! ♫
A gunshot rings out, and a surprised NC pulls a syringe out of his hindquarters, mulls over it, and promptly collapses, bringing us back to the studio.
Malcolm: (with tranq rifle, to Tamara) Don't ever fucking do that again!
Tamara: I'm sorry!
Malcolm: What he has is a sickness that can only be cured by repression and tranquilizers.
Tamara: Yeah, that was fucking scary!
Malcolm and Tamara begin to walk away.
NC: (softly singing) ♫ It's snowing, I love shopping / and I fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fucking love Christmas / Enough to build tranquilizer immunity / I must be fucking batshit crazy about… ♫
Malcolm: Wait a minute, what did he say?
They turn around, and NC is back on his feet advancing towards them along with guitar Jesus, backing them against the door in fear.
NC: (loudly again) ♫ I'll kill anyone not celebrating with me! / Your resistance is feeding my insanity! / 'Cause it's snowing, I love shopping! / So put the star on top the tree / and buy me a fucking TV! / We're going on a shopping spree! / My stocking's filled with DVDs! / My heart is filling up with glee / Can't help what's coming over me / I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! ♫
NC gives a sigh of relief.
NC: Boy, that did feel good. Thanks so much, you guys. Hey, Jesus!
NC walks off to his left. Jesus plays a quick couple notes on his guitar, throws up the horns, and follows before we roll credits with that same song we just heard, this time playing in the background.
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Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.