(The Nostalgia Critic looks rather depressed)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how we are at the end of Nickelodeon Month.
The intro from the first video is shown, but halfway through, it is shot with a gun.
NC: I can safely say that I am not the least bit happy. Why? Because I have to review what many consider to be a double order of bullshit with extra crap and a side order of dick-cheese. The fast food abomination simply known as Good Burger.
Footage of Good Burger starts
NC: (Voiceover) Based off of the hit sketch performed on the kid's show All That, Good Burger was an attempt to take one line:
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
NC: (Voiceover) ...and somehow turn that into an hour-and-a-half movie.
The previous quote is repeated using several different versions performed throughout the entire movie.
NC: No, but you can take this [gives Ed the finger], AND SHOVE IT UP HARD!
NC: (Voiceover) The film stars Kel Mitchell, reprising his role as Ed, the idiot fast-food attendent who works at the inappropriately named Good Burger. It also stars Kenan Thompson, which is weird becasue he never starred in any of the Good Burger sketches...
NC: ...but who the hell cares. Let's just get this ass-burger review out of the way.
NC: (Voiceover) All right, so it starts out with our protagonist, Ed.
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
About halfway through this line, the Critic mockingly speaks along with it. He then watches a scene of Ed coming to a fast food bag which magically opens up to reveal a Good Burger with eyeballs. That's right! EYEBALLS.
NC: Oh, God!
Good Burger: Ed! I see you!
NC: (mouthing) What the fuck is that!
Good Burger: I see you!
Three more of these abominations suddenly pop out of their boxes. The Critic watches with horrification.
Good Burger 2: I wanna stay here with you
Good Burger 3: We love you, Ed!
Good Burger 4: Come with us, Ed!
Good Burger 2: Fly, Ed. Fly.
The Good Burgers then float in the air with Ed following.
NC: What, what? What is happen...
Ed: Woo, wee! Flying with a hamburger.
Ed then falls down an endless black pit. The scene cuts to Ed waking up in bed from a dream.
Ed: Ah. Welcome to Good Burger. Home of the Good Burger. Can I take...
NC: Stop. Stop. I need a minute. Pull it together. Pull it together.
NC: (Voiceover) So, it turns out that opening was just a dream, but unfortunately the rest of the movie isn't, as Ed rushes out the door because he's late to work. This is bad because no one else at the restaurant knows how to take orders, which really pisses off huge, angry Robert Wuhl.
Construction worker: JUST GIVE ME TWO GOOD BURGERS! I've had it up to here with Good Burger.
NC: Hey, I don't need this. I had a cameo in Batman!
NC: (Voiceover) So we see Ed rushing down the street as he trips into some girls playing jump rope, drags one of them down the street, accidentally steals a woman's baby, collides into basketball players, mixes up the basketball with the baby as the baby is dunked into a basketball hoop.
NC: You know what, I'm going to need another minute. Takes a deep breath and sighs
NC: (Voiceover) So Ed finally makes it to work, only to find that there is another restuarant named Mondo Burger being built across the street that could be dangerous competition. But their boss isn't worried.
Boss: Good Burger has been here for over forty years. And nobody is putting Good Burger out of buisness!
Everyone shouts "Nobody!" and cheers
Record scratch sounds and NC gestures his hand to stop and moves it to the side. The movie reminds.
NC: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there really no movie you won't say no to? I mean did you read the script! You know it couldn't have been a good movie! My guess is that he was in some sort of contract or something and it probably went something like this:
(Scene from The Godfather plays)
NC: (mock mafia voice, dubbed over Willi Cicci) Abe, the president of Nickelodeon says you have to do the Good Burger movie.
Sal Tessio (played by Vigoda): Hell, he can't do that, it screws up all my arrangements.
NC: (mock mafia voice) Sorry Abe, but you're under contract.
Tessio: Tom, can you get me off the hook? For old times sake?
Tom Hagen: Can't do it, Abe. ("Abe" dubbed over "Sally")
NC: (mock voice again) Come on, you get to wear the little hat and everything.
NC: So we then cut to our other main character, Dexter. Who is in a classroom being taught by-
Sinbad walks into the scene with goofy outfit.
NC: Oh Jesus no.
NC: (voiceover) sighs deeplyBeing taught be Sinbad, wearing an outfit made out of wrapping paper and a hairpin modeled after a blowfish. His personality though. That's a little harder to figure out.
Mr. Wheat (Sinbad): And I say to my brother, "why, why would this man give us a test on the last day of school before the summer starts?" Well, I'ma tell you why. Because... (slams desk) ...the mind never sleeps.
NC: (raises fist) Right on my mid-70s, early-80s, black panther, hippie, enviornmentalist, blacksploitation, flower child...brother?
NC: (voiceover) Dexter thinks he's out of school for the summer. Which means he could spend the rest of his time partying. But there's a change in plans when he accidentally crashes into Ronald McDonald here.
Mr. Wheat: See when I left school today, I didn't think I was gonna run into you this summer. Well, I didn't think YOU WAS GONNA RUN INTO ME! I MEAN JUST RUN INTO ME LIKE THIS! You're in trouble with me, young man. (points to Dexter) You're in trouble with me!
Dexter: No, listen Mr. Wheat. Listen. It wasn't my fault. See this nut on some rollerblades, he skated into my vision sight and I couldn't see nothing, so I...
Mr. Wheat: Rollerblades?
Dexter: ...swerved, and he was spinning-
Mr. Wheat: Rollerblades?
Cue NC confused by the whole scene.
NC: O-kay. How long does this scene go?
Mr. Wheat: Do you know how much this car cost me?
Mr. Wheat: DO YOU KNOW!?
Mr. Wheat: (grabs Dexter) That's a twenty-two thousand dollar car! Twenty-two thousand dollars! And that's just the base price. Give me your driver's license.
Dexter: Umm...umm...Regarding my driver's license-
NC: I mean seriously. Did they run out of script? It seems like they are just making this shit up now.
Dexter: -when they put it in my hand.
Mr. Wheat: You don't have a driver's license?
Mr. Wheat: Now, I know you don't have an insurance, do you?
Dexter: Shakes his head.
Mr. Wheat: I guess- I hate to do this, young man. I hate to put a black man in jail. But I'm gonna have to call the police.
Dexter: Black man in jail?
Mr. Wheat: I hate to do this.
Dexter: You ain't got to- I'm just a kid.
NC: It's like they knew they had no story or little joke. So they just told the actors to make some crap up off the top of their heads. We have to fill the hour and a half movie length somehow. What should I talk about? Who cares, it's a kid's film it's not like we actually have to try. (pauses) My god, there still going. This could have been handled with just one line of dialogue. "Oh shit, I need a job." Why is that so hard!?
NC: Finally a different scene-
Show scene of ticket being given to Dexter and more banter.
NC: NO NO NO! Come on, how much longer do I have to see Raggedy Ann and that pin cushion argue? Just get on with it. Get on with it!
Shows scene with Mr. Wheat shoving Dexter ontop of the car.
NC: No, no, no. Not that way. I didn't mean it like that. No, no, no. That's wrong. That's wrong. Bad touch! Bad touch! That's a very bad touch! Sinbad, no, no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright! I have no choice! ELEPHANT!
Burger King mascot appears.
NC:(sighs in relief) I never thought that would be my callback to reality. I'll take it.
NC: (voiceover) So, Dexter has to get a summer job. You see? One sentence, that was so much easier. As he applies at the Mondo Burger, where everyone dresses like they're at an 80s gym.
Kurt: From now on, your life is Mundo Burger. You can forget about your friends. You can forget about your family. 'cause Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
Clip of Hitler with subtitles
Hitler: First we will make cheeseburgers....Then we will make milkshakes...Heil Mondo Burger!
NC: (voiceover) But Dexter, sadly doesn't seem to fit in.
Kurt: Get this loser out of my face!
Dexter: Loser! Oh now you're about to push me a little to far!
Kurt: Oh you want a piece of me?
Dexter: Yeah, extra crispy. Please.
NC: I hope Saturday Night Live ain't watching.
NC: (voiceover) So he goes to a place where his clear lack of talent and absolutely no experience will do him well.
Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer: Yes, well I expected a meat patty.
Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
NC: Don't get philosophical with me kid! It's not that kind of movie.
NC: (mock Ed voice) We're all born to die, sir.
NC: (voiceover) So Ed and Dexter finally meet. As Dexter drinks away his woes.
Ed: One more goodshake.
Dexter: Good, good. Keep 'em coming.
Ed: Umm, dude. Don't you think you had enough?
NC: (drunk voice) Don't tell me when I've had enough shake. I'll tell you when I've had enough shake. (cries) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'll chase it down with some fries. (pretends to eat some fries)
NC: (voiceover) So Ed tries to convince his boss that Dexter should be given a job at Good Burger.
Ed: Hey, Mr. Bailey. This guy needs a job. Can he have one?
Mr. Bailey: No!
NC: End of movie. Bye!
Ed: Come on, Mr. Bailey. He really needs one. He can do fries.
Mr. Bailey: Otis does fries.
Ed: Yeah, but look at him. How much longer could he possibly live?
Mr.Bailey: (glances over)
Otis/Abe Vigoda: Nothing can kill me. I'm Abe Vigoda!
Mr. Bailey: Alright.
NC: (voiceover) So Dexter is hired on. As one of his jobs is to make deliveries- and I'm not kidding. In the burger mobile.
Scene cuts to reveal of burger mobile.
Ed: Come on. I'll take you for a spin.
Mock Batman cut shows up and the car is shown in Batman style included with mock comic, pop up sound effects.
NC: (voiceover) But all is not well. As the ruler of Mondo Burger comes in to intimadate our heroes.
Kurt: The second we open our doors, the Good Burger goes in the grinder.
Cuts to hitler scene again
Hitler: And don't forget the fries with that...God HELP you if you forget the fries with that.
NC: (voiceover) What is up with this kid? It's like someone put Sting, Franky Munez, and Ben Stiller in a blender. It's kind of surreal.
Ed: I'm Ed.
Kurt: (with disgust) Well, ED. You better watch your butt man.
Ed: Okay. (looks behind him and follows himself around, like a dog chasing it's tail)
Everyone stares at Ed.
NC: Looks unamused as a tumble weed passes by him.
NC: (voiceover) So Mondo Burger does open up. To probably the most overblown fast food restuarant opening EVER. Even Planet Hollywood doesn't get this kind of opening. I mean what are they expecting to see in there?
NC: Oh my god, they have fries!? Honest to god fries!
NC: (voiceover) So, they take a look at one of the Mondo Burgers to see why their buisness is doing so well.
Cuts to scene of everyone staring at Mondo Burger.
Monique: It's huge!
Ed: How do they do it?
NC: My god, they used actual meat! No racoons at all.
NC: (voiceover) So Ed asks Dexter if he wants to hang out and-
Cue scene of Ed ramming head first into Otis.
Otis/Abe Vigoda: You think you could get me to a hospital. I think I broke my ass.
NC: Okay. Yeah. I'm convinced now that Abe Vidgoda wasn't suppose to be in this movie. He just wandered onto the set, threw on a costume, and just started walking around bumping into people. They were like "Hey, he's not hurting anyone. Just keep him in the movie." You were in Godfather man, show some dignity!
NC: (voiceover) As Ed and Dexter become more acquainted with each other, they discover that they have a complicated relationship.
Dexter: I don't like you. Can't you get that through you're head?
Ed: (has grapes in nose) Look! I'm grape nose boy! (sings) Bloppity, bloopity, bloopity, bloopity. Bloopity, bloopity, bloopity, bloopity!
Dexter: Stop that!
Ed: Continues singing Bloopity
NC: Shut up.
Ed: Keeps singing
NC: Shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing.
NC: Please Shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing
NC: Shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing.
NC: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing.
NC: (pleads) Please, shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing.
NC: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! My god, I cannot believe you will not shut up!
Ed: Keeps singing.
NC: Starts to shout Shut up over and over again.
Ed: Keeps singing until Dexter laughs.
Ed: Oh, made you laugh.
NC: My god, I just realized what this is. This is Dante's 11th level of hell. He just didn't write about it because he thought it would be too scary for people to comprehend.
NC: (in dark tone) And low and behold an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout "Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity!" And it will be called the 11th level of hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.
NC: (voiceover) So it turns out Ed brings his own special sauce that he made himself. As people pass it around they realize it's pretty good. I personally don't trust anything that looks like a blended Fraggle. But everyone else seems to. As they market it to the people, making profits again. But Dexter makes Ed sign a contract that let's Dexter have 80% of all the money they make on the sauce. Presumably high as a kite, Ed agrees and continues to be shat upon by the people he thinks he knows and loves.
Dexter: Well, here you go Ed, You get to keep thirteen dollars.
Ed: Whoa. That's almost fourteen dollars. (laughs)
NC: Wow, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Plain and simple.
NC: (voiceover) But Ed being a sentimental guy, asks Dexter if he wants to hang out by the roof top and just look at the stars. Yeah, apparently Ed's deep.
Ed: What kind of problems do you have?
Dexter: Most of the were was when I was a little kid. My dad left my mom. I must have lived in fifteen different places then.
NC: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote an...emotion? Other then disgust?
Dexter: I remember the last time I saw my dad. I was seven years old-
NC: I'm sorry. It's a little hard to get into this moment when one of the last secenes was-
Replays Ab Vigoda complaining about his ass again.
NC: That makes it a little tricky.
Dexter: I give up. I'm going home. (gets up to leave)
NC: (mock Kenan voice) And I'm not acting. I'm really going home. Fuck this movie.
NC: (voiceover) The next day, they get a call to deliver an order to the only other celebrity they could afford in this movie.
Camera cuts and zooms into Shaquille O' Neal with dramatic music.
NC: (screams) KAZAAM!
Shaq: I feel hungry.
NC: Take the food. Take everything. Just please don't do any rapping.
NC: (voiceover) So they give Shaq his order and even manage to get some endorsement from him. Oh good. This is back in the days when his endorsements actually meant something.
Shaq: I ordered a tomatoe on this Good Burger. I don't see no tomatoes.
Ed: Oh, hang on. (pulls them out of his pants and puts them on the burger) Consider yourself tomatoed. (laughs)
NC: Wow, that looks pretty bad when you make Shaquille O' Neal look like a good actor.
NC: (voiceover) Meanwhile, Mundo Burger is displeased by the sales of Good Burger suddenly raising. It peeves their PVC spacesuits.
Mundo Burger Employee: Good burger is still in business.
Mundo Burger Employee #2: Well, what are we suppose to about it? Our burgers are already twice the size of theres.
NC: Captain. May I recommend firing our futon torpedoes at the restaurant.
Intercom: Yes, sir.
Kurt: Make our burgers bigger.
Intercome: Bigger, boss? But they're alread-
Kurt: (goes into a tantrum) Bigger! Bigger!
Cue Hitler again.
Hitler: SUPER-SIZE ME! SUPER-SIZE ME!
NC: (voiceover) But there's still a problem of how to stop that special sauce Ed created. So they decide to send a beautiful woman to seduce Ed and get the secret ingredient.
Kurt: If anyone can get the sauce out of Ed, she can.
NC: Okay, I don't want to know how she gets the sauce out of Ed. That's private.
Cuts to scene of woman walking into the Good Burger, as she passes by Otis the song Roxanne plays.
NC: (looks down pants) Oh, I haven't felt that in a while.
NC: (voiceover) So Roxanne tries to seduce Ed. But her attempts are futile against a thick wall of idiocy.
Roxanne: You are so hot.
Ed: Oh (laughs) I often sweat at work.
NC: My god, Hallmark cards are funnier then this!
Ed: So, are you hungry?
Roxanne: Yes, I am hungry. But not for food. I'm hungry for you.
Ed: Oh. Well, I'm not edible.
NC: (looks disgusted as tumbleweed passes him by)
NC: (voiceover) So Ed agrees to go out with Roxanne-
NC: Hold on. Will someone give Ab some direction out there? Maybe give him a cookie or something. I mean this is Ab Vigoda, not a dish rag. He's the funniest thing in this movie. And I don't know if he's suppose to be there.
NC: (voiceover) So Ed hangs out with Roxanne, as Dexter goes out on a date with Monique. But I think he's doing that because he secretly wants Ed. I mean look at him. They look exactly alike. I think there's a closed door deal.
NC: (voiceover) So Roxanne tries to get closer to Ed. But this turns out to be extrodinarily dangerous. And she discovers that love hurts even more then she knows.
Cuts to scenes of Roxanne getting hurt continuously.
NC: (Light chortle) Abuse to women is funny.
NC:(voiceover) After Roxanne gives up at the Hitler Burger, Ed and Dexter suspect foul play. As they think Mundo Burger is using illegal chemicals to make their food larger. So they disguise themselves as-
Cuts to scene of them dressed as black women.
NC: Oh Jesus. Really? You're going to drag out.
Dexter: (panic, feminine tone) Water! Water! I need water!
NC: Well, if I didn't know any better. I'd say you were from a subpar sketch comedy show.
NC: (voiceover) After our heroes work there way inside, they discover that Mundo Burger's dirty little secret.
Zooms in on chemicals being added to burgers with dramatic cue.
NC: Mundo Burger is people!
NC: (voiceover) No, it turns out they really were using illegal chemicals. But our heroes are caught as the head of Mundo Burger decides to do the first logical thing in this movie. Have them both committed. Finally, they should have done that at the beginning of the movie. So the two partake in idiot being interrupted as they try to figure out a way to escape. But while that is going on, Mundo Burger goes on Mission Impossible as they and try to sabbotage Ed's sauce making anyone who eats it, incredibly sick.
Cuts to scene with Ab Vigoda/Otis watching Mundo Burger employees in the act.
NC: Guys, you woke up Ab. (whispers) It's okay. Go back to sleep.
NC: (voiceover) Ab says he's going to call the police, but then have him commited as well. Somehow I doubt that was very hard. So our three nut jobs, are stuck in a mental instution and have to think of a logical way out. Their solution?
Shows scener of Ed teaching the mentally disabled to dance.
NC: Start a synchronized dance number, of course. Look at them go. You know for the mentally disabled, they sure do have good on the fly dance choreography. I'm really impressed. And as you're sense of improbabilty implures you. The guards start dancing too. Yeah, let's start dancing. I know it's our job to stop over control stuff like this. But I'm sure nothing bad can happen- (punching sound) Oh. So, that's why we're not paid well.
NC: Okay, so they steal the guard's keys. Get out of the room. But how are they going to get out of the actual building? The local crazy decided to help him out.
Guy tosses Dexter out of window.
NC: You know, despite how bad this movie is. I like it's subtle hint of cruelty.
NC: (voiceover) But how can a man like Ab Vigoda get out of-
Shows Ab jumping out the window.
NC: And that's the last we'll ever hear of him.
NC: (in Ab Vigoda voice) It's okay, I landed on the fat kid.
NC: They all try to make it to Good Burger in time to prevent the custumers from being sick. But it all turns out into the Benny Hill show.
Cut to scene of them running away with Benny Hill theme
NC: Yeah, that's nice. Crash into cars, break some teeth, and endanger people's life. But at least the Good Burger will stay open. But Ed and Dexter make it in time, as Ed stops an old lady from eating on of their burgers.
Cut to scene of Ed jumping and landing on an old lady.
NC: This needs to be censored.
NC: (voiceover) So Ed and Dexter explain about the sauce and stop all the orders. Just when they hatch a plan to break into Mundo Burger and expose them for the liars they are. But first, this joke.
Cuts to scene of Ab Vigoda walking in.
Otis/Ab: I need a hot jacuzzi.
NC: (looks disgusted as a tumbleweed goes pass him)
Tumbledweed: (stops) You know what? Fuck it. (takes out hat and leaves)
NC: (voiceover) So they figure out a plan to get into the Mundo Burger and get rid of all of their chemicals.
Cuts to scene of them following behind a Roll Gold pretzel.
NC: Gee, I have a craving for Roll Gold pretzels now.
Cuts to scene of Dexter arguing with Ed whose in a chimney shaped like a straw.
Dexter: How do you expect me to get up there?
Ed: Oh, that's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry. And then you hop on the cup, and then you shimmy up the straw.
Dexter: What is this? American Gladitors.
NC: What is that? A joke.
NC: (voiceover) So they break into the Mundo Burger and try to intimadate the rest of the group.
Dexter: Mama never had one of these with the electronic numbers. (opens up a microwave) We always had to turn the nob and-
Mundo Burger Employee: Get him!
Dexter: What? (takes out mustard and ketchup bottles shaped like pistols. Group stands down) If I were you, I wouldn't come any closer.
NC: Stand back, man! I think that's real ketchup.
Cuts to scene of Dexter spraying ketchup and mustard at all of them.
NC: Oh no. How will they go around the restaurant covered in ketchup and mustard? (laughs) That's just silly.
Cuts to chase scene.
NC: (voiceover) Oh that's right. Just smack your ass. Show us what a likable character you are, you little trouble maker.
Cuts to scene of Ed sneaking around.
NC: Uh oh, how is Ed going to screw up this time?
Ed spills all the chemicals into the burger vat.
NC: Oh Ed, you nicumpoop. But it will all work out in the end somehow. It always does.
Cuts to scene of burgers exploding in microwave.
NC: Uh oh, it looks like all those chemicals are causing the burgers to explode. That's so out of the ordinary, I dare call it wacky.
Cuts to scene of people running out of Mundo Burger.
NC: You people run faster. There's no telling what zanny antics could possibly follow.
Cuts to scene of Sinbad driving up to the Mundo Burger.
NC: Oooo, it's that character no one cares about. Do you think he'll get his commuppets in the end? Well, that all depends, do you want cheese on that?
Cuts to scene of his car getting crushed by giant burger.
NC: (laughs) Looks like god has smitted you for making Jingle All The Way, Sinbad. Good luck trying to clean that up. What a mess.
Cuts to scene showing Ed and Dexter leaving the torn down Mundo Burger.
NC: Well, it seems our lovable scamps have came out on top. There were a few close moments at times. But were there any doubt that they would make it in the end? I don't think so.
Cuts to scene of celebration at Good Burger.
NC: So, after these wild and crazy antics. So how else can they end this movie besides saying the classic line-
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the good burger. Can I take your order?
NC: You certainly can, Ed. You certainly can. DIE! (long scream, complete with pounding on desk and demonic face )
NC: This is crap! It's god aweful. It's not good burger. Good god what I loud of shit. It's like if shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could shit could shit and that shit could raise money to put together a team of filmmakers to produce a steamy pile of shit.
NC: My advice is to leave this flaming pile of monkey shit alone forever. And never look back as long as you live. Or even after you die. Because at least that way, god know you're trying to do better. I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (leaves)
Dexter: About this contract man.
Dexter: Why don't we say forget it? (rips up contract)
Ed: Y-you, don't want to be partners?
Dexter: Well, no see-
Ed: Is it because I'm black?
NC: (screams) AH! A funny joke! (ducks under desk)