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Good Burger

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'''Otis:''' You think you could get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
 
'''Otis:''' You think you could get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
   
'''NC:''' Okay, yeah. I'm convinced now that Abe Vigoda wasn't supposed to be in this movie. He just wandered onto the set, threw on a costume, and just started walking around bumping into people. They were like "Hey, he's not hurting anyone. Just keep him in the movie." You were in ''The Godfather'', man! Show some dignity!
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'''NC:''' Okay, yeah. I'm convinced now that Abe Vigoda wasn't suppose to be in this movie. He just wandered onto the set, threw on a costume, and just started walking around bumping into people. They were like "Hey, he's not hurting anyone. Just keep him in the movie." You were in ''The Godfather'', man! Show some dignity!
   
 
'''NC:''' (voiceover) As Ed and Dexter become more acquainted with each other, they discover that they have a complicated relationship.
 
'''NC:''' (voiceover) As Ed and Dexter become more acquainted with each other, they discover that they have a complicated relationship.
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'''NC:''' (voiceover, in deep voice) And lo and behold, an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout "Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity!" And it will be called the 11th level of Hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.
 
'''NC:''' (voiceover, in deep voice) And lo and behold, an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout "Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity, Bloopity!" And it will be called the 11th level of Hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.
   
'''NC:''' (voiceover) So it turns out Ed brings his own special sauce that he made himself. As people pass it around, they realize it's pretty good. I personally don't trust anything that looks like a blended Fraggle. But everyone else seems to, as they market it to the people, raising their profits again. But Dexter makes Ed sign a contract that lets Dexter have 80% of all the money they make on the sauce. Presumably high as a kite, Ed agrees and continues to be shat upon by the people he thinks he knows and loves.
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'''NC:''' (voiceover) So it turns out Ed brings his own special sauce that he made himself. As people pass it around, they realize it's pretty good. I personally don't trust anything that looks like a blended Fraggle. But everyone else seems to, as they market it to the people, raising their profits again. But Dexter makes Ed sign a contract that let's Dexter have 80% of all the money they make on the sauce. Presumably high as a kite, Ed agrees and continues to be shat upon by the people he thinks he knows and loves.
   
 
'''Dexter:''' Well, here you go, Ed. You get to keep $13.
 
'''Dexter:''' Well, here you go, Ed. You get to keep $13.
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'''Ed:''' Oh, hang on. ''(He pulls two tomatoes out of his pants pocket and puts them on the burger.)'' Consider yourself tomatoed. (laughs)
 
'''Ed:''' Oh, hang on. ''(He pulls two tomatoes out of his pants pocket and puts them on the burger.)'' Consider yourself tomatoed. (laughs)
   
'''NC:''' Wow, that's pretty bad when you're making Shaquille O'Neal look like a good actor.
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'''NC:''' Wow, that's pretty bad remaking Shaquille O'Neal look like a good actor.
   
 
'''NC:''' (voiceover) Meanwhile, Mondo Burger is displeased that Good Burger sales are suddenly rising. As it just steams their PVC spacesuits.
 
'''NC:''' (voiceover) Meanwhile, Mondo Burger is displeased that Good Burger sales are suddenly rising. As it just steams their PVC spacesuits.
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''(NC looks disgusted again as another tumbleweed passes him by.)''
 
''(NC looks disgusted again as another tumbleweed passes him by.)''
   
'''NC:''' (voiceover) So Ed agrees to go out with Roxanne-- (notices Otis wandering in the background) Hold on. Will someone give Abe some directions out there? (arrow points at him) Maybe give him a cookie or something. I mean, it's Abe Vigoda, not a dishrag! He's the funniest thing in this movie, and I don't even think that he's supposed to be there! So Ed hangs out with Roxanne, as Dexter goes out on a date with Monique. But I think he's doing that because he secretly wants Ed. (cut to a scene with Monique and Ed side-by-side) I mean, look at him. They look exactly alike. I think there's a closed door deal. So Roxanne tries to get intimate with Ed. But this turns out to be extraordinarily dangerous. And she discovers that love hurts even more then she knows.
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'''NC:''' (voiceover) So Ed agrees to go out with Roxanne-- (notices Otis wandering in the background) Hold on. Will someone give Abe some directions out there? (arrow points at him) Maybe give him a cookie or something. I mean, it's Abe Vigoda, not a dishrag! He's the funniest thing in this movie, and I don't even think if he's supposed to be there! So Ed hangs out with Roxanne, as Dexter goes out on a date with Monique. But I think he's doing that because he secretly wants Ed. (cut to a scene with Monique and Ed side-by-side) I mean, look at him. They look exactly alike. I think there's a closed door deal. So Roxanne tries to get intimate with Ed. But this turns out to be extraordinarily dangerous. And she discovers that love hurts even more then she knows.
   
 
''(Cuts to scenes of Roxanne getting hurt continuously.)''
 
''(Cuts to scenes of Roxanne getting hurt continuously.)''
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'''NC:''' Guys, you woke up Abe! (whispers) It's Okay. Go back to sleep.
 
'''NC:''' Guys, you woke up Abe! (whispers) It's Okay. Go back to sleep.
   
'''NC:''' (voiceover) Abe says he's going to call the police, but they have him committed as well. Somehow I doubt that was very hard. So our three nut jobs are stuck in a mental institution and have to think of a logical way out. Their solution?
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'''NC:''' (voiceover) Abe says he's going to call the police, but then have him committed as well. Somehow I doubt that was very hard. So our three nut jobs are stuck in a mental institution and have to think of a logical way out. Their solution?
   
 
''(Dexter tunes a radio to play "(Not Just) Knee Deep" by Parliament-Funkadelic. He gets all the the disabled people to do a choreographed dance.)''
 
''(Dexter tunes a radio to play "(Not Just) Knee Deep" by Parliament-Funkadelic. He gets all the the disabled people to do a choreographed dance.)''
   
'''NC:''' (voiceover) Start a synchronized dance number, of course. Look at them go. You know, for the mentally disabled, they sure do have good on-the-fly dance choreography. I'm really impressed. And as your sense of improbability implores you, the guards start dancing too. (as a guard) Yeah, let's start dancing. I know it's our job to stop out of control stuff like this. But I'm sure nothing bad can happen-- ''(Dexter knees both guards in the groins.)'' Oh! So that's why we're not paid well. (normal) Okay, so they steal the keys and get out of the room. But how are they going to get out of the actual building? One of the local crazies decides to help him out.
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'''NC:''' (voiceover) Start a synchronized dance number, of course. Look at them go. You know, for the mentally disabled, they sure do have good on-the-fly dance choreography. I'm really impressed. And as your sense of improbability implores you, the guards start dancing too. (as a guard) Yeah, let's start dancing. I know it's our job to stop over control stuff like this. But I'm sure nothing bad can happen-- ''(Dexter knees both guards in the groins.)'' Oh! So that's why we're not paid well. (normal) Okay, so they steal the keys and get out of the room. But how are they going to get out of the actual building? One of the local crazies decides to help him out.
   
 
''(A mental patient whom Dexter, Ed and Otis encountered earlier tosses Dexter out of a window to free them.)''
 
''(A mental patient whom Dexter, Ed and Otis encountered earlier tosses Dexter out of a window to free them.)''
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''(Montage of clips play while NC gives his final thoughts.)''
 
''(Montage of clips play while NC gives his final thoughts.)''
   
'''NC:''' (voiceover) It's like if shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could raise money to put together a team of filmmakers to produce a steaming flaming pile of shit!
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'''NC:''' (voiceover) It's like if shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could shit could shit and that shit could raise money to put together a team of filmmakers to produce a steaming flaming pile of shit!
   
 
'''NC:''' My advice is to leave this flaming pile of monkey shit alone forever, and never look back as long as you live. Or even after you die. Because at least that way, God knows you're trying to do better. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (leaves)
 
'''NC:''' My advice is to leave this flaming pile of monkey shit alone forever, and never look back as long as you live. Or even after you die. Because at least that way, God knows you're trying to do better. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (leaves)
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