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Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #3

At4w Godzilla kingdom of monsters-3.png

Released
January 25th, 2016
Running time
16:20
Previous review
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Tagline
Godzilla! The King of all monsters! ...And he has less panel time than a parody.
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Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (dramatically) Time for us to once again enter the Kingdom of Monsters!

(Cut to black)

Linkara (v/o): Previously on "Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters"...

(Shots of the first two issues of "Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters" are shown as Linkara gives a recap)

Linkara (v/o): Said kingdom has not yet materialized, since the monsters are in the middle of their revolution over various nations. Godzilla attacks Japan, Anguirus crossing the border from Mexico into Texas, and a young boy befriending a baby Rodan... before he befriends Rodan's digestive system. While this is going on, President Ogden, AKA Obama, because they couldn't license out his name or something, is trying to figure out the best way to approach this when their attempt at nuking Godzilla resulted in him lighting up like a giant red neon sign advertising a Godzilla-themed chicken wing place. Also, dude pointlessly sacrifices himself to kill Godzilla only gives his nose a tickle.

Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #3" and see if we're finally going to advance the plot already.

(AT4W title theme plays, and the title card has "Fire Dragon Pursuit" from Destroy All Monsters playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Linkara (v/o): The cover is nice and menacing, and I don't just mean the creepy face of what I presume to be Godzilla glaring at the reader, even with tiny ears – weird – but also terrifying twin schoolgirls in the foreground.

Linkara: (as one of the Shining girls, holding up comic) Come play with us, Godzilla... forever... and ever... (suddenly looks up) Hmm, "Godzilla vs. The Shining". I've got to write that one down.

Linkara (v/o): We open at a private school in Cherbourg, France, which I'm sure I'm mispronouncing because, well, France. The twins from the cover are sitting outside of a school, where, inside, a woman is trying to get them admitted.

Professor: Third school in six months? What's the problem?

Woman: They've been causing... issues among the other children.

Linkara: (as this woman) Basically, it's impossible to play tag with them because (makes a prodding motion with his hand) they keep tagging each other over and over.

Professor: Kids can be so cruel. Are they disruptive? Do they spread rumors?

Linkara: (as woman) Yeah, they keep saying something's in room 237. What's with that?

Woman: No, they don't gossip. In fact, they don't speak at all. They're mute.

Linkara: (as woman) In retrospect, I'm not sure why I signed them up for choir, but (shrugs) there you go.

Linkara (v/o): After the twins creepily stare at the reader, we cut over to the United Nations, where an adviser to the Japanese government talks about how he's classified the three monsters and given them names.

Adviser: The first attacks were dealt in Japan by this creature, the fire-breathing king of all reptiles. I give you Godzilla.

Linkara: (as adviser) Bidding starts at 50,000. Do I hear 60?

Adviser: First sighted in Russia, this creature I called Rodan because of its resemblance to the flying reptile, Pteranodon...

Linkara: (as adviser) I wanted to call him Ranondon, but apparently that has too many syllables, despite Godzilla having the same amount! Stupid marketing department.

Adviser: This beast surfaced in Mexico. Its armored skin and powerful club-like tail call to mind the prehistoric Ankylosaurus. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Anguirus.

Linkara: (as adviser) His turn-ons include long walks on the beach and fine wines at sunset.

Linkara (v/o): We cut over to San Antonio, Texas, where a couple of hillbillies are planning to try to catch Anguirus. Seriously.

Hillbilly: That hot news lady said the dinosaur's headed straight for San Antone. That bad boy's head gonna look sweet mounted over my kegerator.

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Squirm)

Crow: In fact, please, South, secede, will you? We won't stop you this time.

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): His buddy points out the military was unable to stop it.

Hillbilly: The military ain't spent as much time huntin' as I have. I been at it my whole life. Shot everything from a mouse to a moose. What do they got? Six weeks of boot camp?

Linkara: I would just like to point out that so far, the most logical and likeable characters in this series are the mute hell twins.

Linkara (v/o): They spot Anguirus and give chase, but are hopefully eaten by a Graboid shortly afterwards. Back over to the twins, they're just hanging around what looks like a backyard, frankly, as some kids are playing soccer and talking about Godzilla. One expresses hope that the army will take it out, but another hopes they fail because "it's cool!"

Girl: But those people are losing their homes and dying!

Boy: So what? It's not like we know any of them.

Linkara: Hmm, you're right. Hey, I don't know you, kid, so I look forward to you getting stomped on!

Linkara (v/o): However, to show he's not all bad, when he accidentally kicks the soccer ball and hits a twin, he apologizes. Aaand the girls have been completely consumed by Youngbloods Disease apparently, since they stare right back at the kid with pure white eyes, which they use to summon some kind of monster up from the ground that attacks the boy. Only the boy can see it as he screams for help, so maybe it's not real, but clearly, something's happening to him, since he's bleeding out the eyes and ears. Okay, this is bugging me: what the hell do these writers against children? Look, people have tried to explain that "Well, it's because they clearly didn't like all the annoying kids in the Godzilla movies." Well, here's the thing: I've seen every Godzilla movie now. Of the 28 films up to that point, yeah, a few of them had kids, but in terms of annoyance factor, only one of them ratcheted up to "unbearable": Godzilla's Revenge, which is hard enough to even consider a Godzilla movie, since all of it takes place in the kid's head!

Linkara: I don't know, maybe they were confused this whole time and thought they were writing a Gamera comic.

Linkara (v/o): I don't even get it. The problem with the kids in those movies was just that they had high-pitched, screechy voices that took time away from the monsters, not that they were friggin' assholes! Almost every kid we've run into has been cruel and sadistic in some capacity, and thus, like the slasher killer chopping at the jerky character, are we supposed to feel cathartic about the death of one-note kids? I wouldn't even be harping on this, but this is the third damn comic in a row featuring death and mutilation to horrible children!! What is your deal, writers?! Did a kid kick your puppy or something?! Speaking of one-sided matches, Godzilla has moved on from Japan and entered the Korean Demilitarized Zone, no doubt in search of some kind of plot. Back over to the kids, who have now decided to play soccer on the beach, because that's all kids do, apparently: play soccer or hang out at the beach. The twins are also nearby and within earshot of this one kid, who says that if the twins look at him with their creepy eyes...

Boy: I'm gonna pound their weird faces! I'm above hitting a girl... or even two girls!

Linkara: (massaging his forehead in frustration) Okay, I'm having a hard time deciding: was that statement merely idiotic, given what you saw the girls do, or rather, more example of these writers knowing nothing about children whatsoever?

Linkara (v/o): Then again, maybe he's hoping for his Stretch Armstrong powers to save the day, because his leg is going completely VERTICAL ALONG THE FRONT OF HIS BODY!! GOOD GOD! The twins, deciding not to make this kid's eyes explode, despite overhearing him state that he's willing to beat them up, just... walk off, whereas the other kid accidentally hit them and even apologized, and they made him experience terrifying visions. So glad this comic makes sense. The twins, being psychic, of course, discover a giant egg on the beach and comment to each other that it's theirs. And then we cut to... Ugh! One of the dumbest things I've ever seen.

Linkara: You'll recall that when I started reviewing this series, people were split over when this book got awful. Well, I can tell you right now when it got awful for me... (opens up comic to show off a panel) LADY... GAGA... PARODY!

Linkara (v/o): Behold said parody, going by the "clever" name of Girly Yaya, dancing around in a Godzilla costume while making random "La-la, ra-ga-ga" noises. Because that's what Lady Gaga does! (laughs sarcastically) Oh, and the name of her hit single is "I Want Your Sweatpants"!

Linkara: Ha! Such wit is reminding me of Weird Al. Specifically, "Dare To Be Stupid". (scowls)

Linkara (v/o): The news crew covering the concert checks in with their music critic.

Music critic: Girly Yaya's album delivers the most profound statement in music history. Cash, Lennon, Hendrix... They all aspired to greatness but none succeeded in attaining this level of musical genius.

Linkara: (stroking chin) I see. So, how many times did they smash your head against the wall before you were able to say that with a straight face?

Linkara (v/o): Back over to the main reporter, who has gone backstage to talk to Girly Yaya.

Reporter: I can't help but notice your stunning ensemble. What was your inspiration for this unique piece?

Linkara: Clearly, Reptar on ice.

Girly Yaya: Well, as you know, I'm passionately involved with M.E.A.L.S., an organization that promotes monster equality and living standards. These majestic animals deserve every right to life that humans do! How dare the government attack them with weapons of mass destruction!

Linkara: So which do you think is more embarrassing for Lady Gaga, this comic or that Bluewater Lady Gaga comic? I'm leaning towards this one.

Linkara (v/o): Also, how long has it been since the monsters first attacked? How did they form an organization to help them in, like, two or three days?

Reporter: But, Yaya, what about those in Texas who are being trampled this very minute by the creature the international science team has dubbed Anguirus?

Girly Yaya: Do you weep for the antelope when the lion feeds? Look, it's horrible what's happening to those people. But that's nature. For the greater good, Texas should be destroyed!

Linkara: You know, there was a recent miniseries called Godzilla In Hell, where Godzilla literally went there. Somehow, this seems closer to Hell than that.

Linkara (v/o): I mean, what the hell is the point of this?! At least the hatred of children I can understand if you were really that affected by annoying kids in kaiju films. But this?! This is just "LOL! Let's satirize the celebrity who wears goofy outfits IN A GODZILLA COMIC!! Oh, and then make her spout nonsense about letting the monsters KILL US!!"

Linkara: The first original Godzilla film is about the horrors of nuclear war and the destruction and misery caused by the atomic bombs being dropped on Japan. This Godzilla comic is about (dopey voice) "Hey! Politicians and celebrities are dumb, duh!"

Linkara (v/o): After some more crap satirizing... somebody, I don't know and I don't care, it's over to the President, who was apparently watching this on his phone.

Linkara: You know, of all the actual things that people have complaints about with President Obama, you went with "Man, he sure loves watching TV!" (shrugs)

Linkara (v/o): The egg in France has been discovered, but new problems are emerging. Like with the dead fish from Issue 1 and the crows from Issue 2, a massive swarm of insects fly over the egg and all just suddenly die. And speaking of death, back over to the hicks. And I know you're really gonna be shocked by this, but the two idiots who thought they could take on a giant monster? Yeah, they're crushed. Thanks for that subplot! Meanwhile, back to people who have much better military sense, the French! I kid, but given how this comic has progressed, I'm shocked that they didn't go for the stereotypical cowardly French. Instead, they're actually portrayed competently. They've wired explosives around the egg, hoping to kill it before it hatches, but the evil twins decide they need to step in. Buuut enough of the interesting things, let's do more Lady Gaga parody as she's parading around New York in... whatever the hell this thing is. (...which must be some sexy-looking Godzilla costume?)

(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching The Undead)

Mike: (as a character dressed as a knight) There, sure glad I don't look stupid in this.

(Back to the comic again)

Girly Yaya: Mother Earth has the right to choose! But she did not choose this abortion! This is murder by man! Let the Earth fetus live! Save the egg!

(Cut to a shot of a skull)

Kevin Murphy: (in background) Your words cause me serious mind pain!

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the twins bypass the French guards by using their psychic abilities.

Linkara: No doubt they are transmitting all the (makes an "air quote") "Girly Yaya" scenes directly into their brains.

Linkara (v/o): The egg also picks this time to hatch, revealing, much to my surprise, Battra! For those who don't know, Battra only appeared in one movie. Basically, think of her as a pissed-off Mothra. And so, our comic ends with a cutaway to an island, where a guy in a shack is watching a news report about Battra rampaging through the French countryside.

Man: This is not right at all. Something has gone horribly wrong!

Linkara: I know, right? Why the hell are we giving any panel time to the satire crap when we could have more of this?

Linkara (v/o): Pulling back, we reveal Mothra's tiny twin fairies standing on a book, also in the room.

Linkara: (holding up comic) This comic, for the most part, sucks!

Linkara (v/o): Let's talk the positives first. When I first glanced through this, I thought the twins would be revealed as this universe's version of Mothra's twin fairies, which I thought was pretty cool, since we haven't really seen a reinterpretation of them as villains. However, them being the twins linked to Battra? That is still pretty damn awesome! Battra didn't have her own fairies before, so this puts a unique twist on things. That's what is so irritating about this comic: it has good ideas, and when it actually focuses on the monsters, it's entertaining and interesting. But no! Three issues in a row now, we've got to have horrible children who meet horrible ends, unnecessary parody, and just repeating the same things over and over. These monsters are killing people, and here are their names. That's it! At least the first issue had the Japanese Defense Forces trying to stop Godzilla, and the second issue had the tragic story of the guy trying to avenge his children. This? This is garbage! This book has two writers on it, and it makes me think one was interested in making a monster story and the other wanted a Friedberg and Seltzer movie.

Linkara: Next time, we go from too little plot and no characters to perhaps too much plot and too many characters with the third issue of "The Star Wars". (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)

(End credits roll)

Why couldn't the Hell twins unleash a ground monster on the hicks? It would've been great payoff for my Graboid reference!

So if various birds, insects and fish die out when a monster emerges from their habitat, does that mean that a giant human is going to show up and we all die?

(Stinger: The panel showing Girly Yaya in her Godzilla costume is shown)

Linkara (v/o): For someone who claims to want to support Godzilla, maybe your costume shouldn't feature Godzilla being crucified.

(end)

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