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Elliot: The road is (points the left way) THAT way.
  
Elliot: The road is (points the left way) THAT way.
   
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(car violently careens over, cuts to some kind of game show, mind helping with the title or what it's called?)
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(car violently careens over, soon getting graphics and music from the game Crazy Taxi)
   
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NC (voiceover as an announcer): Hey, you got two CRAZY minutes to - (realizes the asinine factor of this movie) - oh my god am I a Ghost Dad? Oh, no, no ,no, no, NO, there's no way I'm starring in this horse crap. No no, I'm out, (voice trails of) I'm gone. Fuck my contract, I don't care (door closes, car revves.)
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NC (voiceover as an announcer): Hey, you got ten CA-RAZY minutes to-(realizes the asinine factor of this movie)- oh my god am I a Ghost Dad? Oh, no no no no no. There is no way I'm starring in this horse crap. No no, I'm out, (voice trails of) I'm gone. I'm gone. Fuck my contract, I don't care (door closes, car revves.)
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Elliot: I'll give you $20 to stop! (one of the cars behind them spins out) I'll give you 40! I've got $76, all you have to do is stop the cab!
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NC: Hey, you're driving so fast you nearly lost the giant screen projection behind us!
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Curtis Burch: Do you accept the Lord Satan as the Supreme Being?
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NC (vo): So the cab driver is a crazy Satanist...
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NC: (confused) Typical?
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NC (vo): As Cosby convinces him he is Satan himself...
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NC: (even more confused) Doubly typical?
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(The cab drives into the rail on a bridge. Elliot gets out, but soon both he and the cab go into the water)
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NC (vo): And convinces him to pull the cab over. But just as he sees why white people should never drive cabs, he opens the car door, plunging into the river. He makes his way back up to find that nobody can see him and apparently nobody can touch him either. This, of course, means he comes to a horrible realization.
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Elliot: I'm not dead! I know I'm not dead! This is... I'm dreaming! I gotta wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I'm not dead! I gotta get out of this dream.
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NC (vo): That's right. He's not very funny in a movie on his own and desperately needs kids to work off of.
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Danny: Hi, dad.
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Elliot: Hi, Dan. (realizes his kids can hear him) What?
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Amanda: Hi, daddy.
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Elliot: You can see me?
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Danny: What?
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Elliot: You can see me?
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Danny: Your mouth is moving, but I can't hear anything.
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NC (vo): But in a strange combination of rules, Cosby finds that people can see him in the dark, but not in the light. And on top of that, they can't hear him even though he can hear himself.
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Elliot: You can't hear me, but you can see me. You can't hear me, but I can hear myself.
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NC (vo): Also if he concentrates he can touch stuff, but if he doesn't things float right through him, and if he doesn't focus, his voice doesn't match up with his body.
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(Elliot tries to say something, but it comes out slurred)
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NC: Uh, what else, what else? You don't put him in daylight, you don't get him wet and you don't feed him after midnight? (In short, Gremlins)
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Amanda: Daddy, are you going to go away like mommy did?
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Elliot: (straining to speak) No, honey. I'm not going for awhile. I'm staying right here, okay?
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NC (vo): You know, it's funny how this ghost movie is supposed to be funny, but in a strange way, it's actually kind of creepier than scary ghost movies? Couldn't you just hear this creepy audio being used in something like The Exorcist?
  +
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(Cut to a clip of The Exorcist of possessed Regan in bed)
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Regan: Aaah, it burns! (Elliot's dialogue is spliced into the scene, soon followed by Cosby advertising Jello)
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Cosby: Mom, you know how kids love Jello pudding, and it's made with fresh milk, so it's wholesome.
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NC (vo): But Cosby, it appears, is being sucked into another location. Via not very well hidden crane lift. (an arrow is pointing at said crane lift)
   
 
{{NCscripts}}
  
{{NCscripts}}

Revision as of 21:52, 23 February 2014

Ghost Dad

Ghostdad

Released
February 19, 2014
Running Time
30:03
Previous Review
Next Review
TBA
Link

(We start off with a new version of the opening for the show involving clips from the previous year of episodes before dissolving into the Nostalgia Critic's office)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to, and I'm a ghost. Yeah, I'm a ghost. Strangest thing. I died last week watching Ghost Dad.

(Cut to the living room as NC douses himself in gasoline while Bill Cosby sounds play in the background. NC lights a lighter and then blows up)

NC: You would've done the same. But, if there's anything this movie has taught me, it's that death is no reason to stop working. Just keep going on with your everyday life and comedic possibilities will fall in your lap!

(We cut to Malcolm Ray dressed as Gandalf the Grey doing jumping jacks)

Malcolm: Sarsparilla good that of more any got more friend hey.

NC: Hey Malcolm, while I'm doing my review, can you do that outside?

Malcolm: Why am I doing this again?

NC: I told you, it's the only way to continue seeing and hearing me as a ghost.

Malcolm: But why? There's no rhyme or reason to it.

NC: I don't know! It just is! Now go back to doing jumping jacks dressed as Gandalf the Grey while reciting the dialogue to Big Lebowski backwards. (And he puts another quarter in the Big Lebowski jar. Malcolm goes back to doing jumping jacks and reciting the previous sentence over. Tamara Chambers comes in dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz wearing a sombrero)

Tamara: And why do I have to be dressed as Sexy Dorothy while wearing a sombrero? (NC sighs and puts his head in his hand) Why is there even a Sexy Dorothy costume? Who the fuck is turned on by Sexy Dorothy?

NC: I didn't make up the nonsensical rules of the afterlife. I just know that if you two stop doing that, I'll disappear, the review will be over, and both of you will be out of a job. Got it?

Tamara: This is a bunch of bullshit.

NC: A-bu-bu, in your Dorothy voice.

Tamara: Golly gee, Mr. Critic, this sure is a lot of bullshit.

NC: It's but a small price to pay to be in the world of the living. Now away with you. The dead grieve in your presence.

Tamara: I thought I'd like him better dead.

(She and Malcolm leave with him still doing jumping jacks)

NC: Dorothy voice.

Tamara: (off-screen) I thought I'd like him better dead!

NC: Yes, there's a lot of crazy rules about the afterlife that apparently we didn't know about, but that was sort of a thing in movies for awhile.

(A poster of Vampire Academy is shown, followed by the Walking Dead)

NC (voice-over): The same way vampires and zombies has kind of been popular in media recently, (posters for Ghost, Beetlejuice and Ghost Writer.) ghosts were really popular in the late 80s and early 90s. (logo of Ghostbusters) Presumably starting with the popularity of Ghostbusters. (picture of Peter, Ray and Egon) After that blockbuster, suddenly every movie had a spook, spectre or ghost in it, (Posters of Haunted Honeymoon and High Spirits) all connecting with either a quirky afterlife, a bizarre haunting, (picture of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost) or just about anything with comedic possibilities. (Poster of 3 Ninjas) Well another thing the late 80s and early 90s liked to do was combine stuff. (On the poster of 3 Ninjas, it zooms in on a quote from Boston Globe saying "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone." Now followed by a picture of Freddy vs. Jason) Yeah, because we clearly don't do that nowadays, of course. (cast picture of The Cosby Show as it zooms in on Bill Cosby) Enter Bill Cosby, who at the time had the number one TV spot with The Cosby Show for years. He was clean, he was friendly, he was a good role model, and he made everyone laugh. (Poster of Leonard Part 6) That is, on television. (We get posters of other Cosby movies like Hickey & Boggs, A Piece Of the Action, The Devil & Max Devlin, Uptown Saturday Night, Man and Boy, Mother, Juggs & Speed, I Spy Returns, ending with Let's Do It Again) His movie career continued to tank with bomb after bomb as Hollywood seemed to be hinting that unless Cosby can pull off a successful film with the next one, they were gonna yank him as a star of the big screen and keep him as the main star of the little screen for the rest of his life. What followed was a movie career dangling on the edge knocked over by a spitball of deafening silence where there should have been laughter.

NC: This is that spitball.

(Clips of the movie play)

NC (vo): Directed by Sidney Poitier. (Picture of Sidney Poitier in In the Heat of the Night) Yes, that Sidney Poitier.

Virgil Tibbs: They call me Mr. Tibbs.

NC: They'll be calling you much worse after they see this film.

NC (vo): Ghost Dad is a fascinating experiment to see if (pictures of Poitier and Cosby appear on the corners with Director and Actor under their pictures respectively) two successful people re-entering two unsuccessful fields can somehow produce a successful...not this. The answer, of course, is too painful to sit through, too painful to talk about, and too tempting not to have me be in pain over.

NC: So, let's take a look at the final nail in the coffin that really did make Cosby's movie career a ghost, this is Ghost Dad.

(We start off in the bedroom of the youngest child, Amanda Hopper)

NC (vo): We see Cosby in the very familiar position that most comedic dads are in: (cut to a shot of stuffed dolls) not having enough time for his kids because he's too busy being not funny, with his wife being passed away from get-the-bitch-out-of-the-film-isis, Cosby finds he has to cut corners by having a recording of himself read his kids a bedtime story.

Elliot Hopper: (on tape recorder) Okay honeybun, that's enough for tonight. I had to work late again this weekend. Now make me louder, hold me up to the door. (Amanda brings the tape recorder to the doorway) Good night, Diane. Don't wait up for me.

Diane Hopper: I never do.

NC (vo): You know, if he's so damn busy with his job and all, how did he have time to record all this? Couldn't you have spent that time making the recording to be with your kids instead?

(Cut to NC at his desk)

Kid: (voiced by NC) Daddy, can you come play with me?

NC: (as Cosby) I'm sorry, pud'n pop, but I gotta do this recording to make up for the fact that I can't spend time with ya!

Kid: You know, it's thinking like that that made you do Leonard 6.

NC: I thought we agreed never to mention that movie in this house!

NC (vo): Things don't get much better when he forgets his oldest daughter's birthday, so he puts shaving cream and a candle on a hat. That oughta solve the problem.

Elliot: My father on my 9th birthday dressed up in a bunny costume for a whole week!

Danny Hopper: A whole week?

Elliot: A whole week! Because the zipper's stuck, you know, he didn't mean to do it, but he had to bump around the house. Bippidi bippidi like a bunny for a whole week!

NC (vo): Well, I'll give the movie this: I do legitimately want to see him dead.

Diane: You forgot. You completely forgot. Now go, admit it.

Elliot: If everything goes the way I think, the company is also going to give me a car. And if they do, you can have Grumpy. (he holds out car keys)

Diane: Really?

Elliot: Yes.

Diane: Really? Oh daddy, can I drive it today? Please, I promise, I'll be incredibly careful.

NC (vo): Wow, that must be quite the car that she's excited about. Quite the incredible, awesome, (the car itself is a not awesome station wagon. Anyone know the model of that car?) piece of shit Clark Griswold mobile you've ever seen in your life. Hey, next week maybe he'll let you cruise around in that hot rodding minivan. You know, the one with two entire horsepowers in it. (It has to be better than that I guess.)

Stuart: Hi, Mr. Hopper.

Elliot: How are you, Stuart?

NC (vo): And from here, Cosby takes a merry stroll down Nerdy Stereotype Lane. Yes, because this movie's too lazy to steal from other stereotypes, it focuses instead on just one: The 80s nerd, and all the incarnations that this decade pushed out with it. (Stuart) You got the Urkel Nerd, (Carol, Elliot's secretary) the Secretary Nerd, the Old Relic Nerd, and of course, the Businessmen Nerds. And for a comedian who enforced that any person of any color can be in any position, there sure does seem to be a lot of crusty old white guys running things, aren't there?

Businessman: Gentlemen, you all know Elliot Hopper?

NC: (vo) (mocking one of them)): Oh yeah, (in unison) the black one.

Businessman: Yes you should Mr Dearos (anyone here who could spell that correctly?) or you'll be out Stacey's window all bets are off. (laughter)

NC (vo): But things go awry when he steps into a cab driven by a crazy cab driver

(car screeches violently, music builds)

Elliot: Going a little fast aren't we?

(driver stares at him)

NC (mimicking Elliot): Hey, shouldn't you be sultan's side walks across from the McCallister's?

Elliot: The road is (points the left way) THAT way.

(car violently careens over, soon getting graphics and music from the game Crazy Taxi)

NC (voiceover as an announcer): Hey, you got ten CA-RAZY minutes to-(realizes the asinine factor of this movie)- oh my god am I a Ghost Dad? Oh, no no no no no. There is no way I'm starring in this horse crap. No no, I'm out, (voice trails of) I'm gone. I'm gone. Fuck my contract, I don't care (door closes, car revves.)

Elliot: I'll give you $20 to stop! (one of the cars behind them spins out) I'll give you 40! I've got $76, all you have to do is stop the cab!

NC: Hey, you're driving so fast you nearly lost the giant screen projection behind us!

Curtis Burch: Do you accept the Lord Satan as the Supreme Being?

NC (vo): So the cab driver is a crazy Satanist...

NC: (confused) Typical?

NC (vo): As Cosby convinces him he is Satan himself...

NC: (even more confused) Doubly typical?

(The cab drives into the rail on a bridge. Elliot gets out, but soon both he and the cab go into the water)

NC (vo): And convinces him to pull the cab over. But just as he sees why white people should never drive cabs, he opens the car door, plunging into the river. He makes his way back up to find that nobody can see him and apparently nobody can touch him either. This, of course, means he comes to a horrible realization.

Elliot: I'm not dead! I know I'm not dead! This is... I'm dreaming! I gotta wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I'm not dead! I gotta get out of this dream.

NC (vo): That's right. He's not very funny in a movie on his own and desperately needs kids to work off of.

Danny: Hi, dad.

Elliot: Hi, Dan. (realizes his kids can hear him) What?

Amanda: Hi, daddy.

Elliot: You can see me?

Danny: What?

Elliot: You can see me?

Danny: Your mouth is moving, but I can't hear anything.

NC (vo): But in a strange combination of rules, Cosby finds that people can see him in the dark, but not in the light. And on top of that, they can't hear him even though he can hear himself.

Elliot: You can't hear me, but you can see me. You can't hear me, but I can hear myself.

NC (vo): Also if he concentrates he can touch stuff, but if he doesn't things float right through him, and if he doesn't focus, his voice doesn't match up with his body.

(Elliot tries to say something, but it comes out slurred)

NC: Uh, what else, what else? You don't put him in daylight, you don't get him wet and you don't feed him after midnight? (In short, Gremlins)

Amanda: Daddy, are you going to go away like mommy did?

Elliot: (straining to speak) No, honey. I'm not going for awhile. I'm staying right here, okay?

NC (vo): You know, it's funny how this ghost movie is supposed to be funny, but in a strange way, it's actually kind of creepier than scary ghost movies? Couldn't you just hear this creepy audio being used in something like The Exorcist?

(Cut to a clip of The Exorcist of possessed Regan in bed)

Regan: Aaah, it burns! (Elliot's dialogue is spliced into the scene, soon followed by Cosby advertising Jello)

Cosby: Mom, you know how kids love Jello pudding, and it's made with fresh milk, so it's wholesome.

NC (vo): But Cosby, it appears, is being sucked into another location. Via not very well hidden crane lift. (an arrow is pointing at said crane lift)

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