Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties
February 8th, 2017
(We start off with the Sequel Month: The Sequel title card before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic, looking slightly less irritated than in the previous review)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(A poster of Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties appears)
NC: Bad kitty.
(Clips of the movie are shown, starting with the title)
NC (voiceover): We all know Bill Murray duped himself into Garfield 1 thinking one of the Coen brothers wrote it, but his contract included a sequel and because audiences loved to see this man punished, (posters of Larger Than Life, Osmosis Jones and The Man Who Knew Too Little are shown) he got one. Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties continues the Garfield movie tradition of having practically nothing to do with Garfield. He dances, has a ton of energy, tries to help those in need, and looks like a hairy hallucination from Pink Floyd's The Wall. (Picture of one of the hallucinations from said movie appears)
NC: But he likes lasagna, so... (shrugs) no difference?
NC (vo): It probably goes without saying that this film is just as bad as the first, but this is an analytical review series, so just saying "Bite me, you flock of ginger pubic hair" probably isn't gonna be enough.
NC: So let's take a look with greater detail – something the filmmakers obviously didn't do! This is Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.
(The movie starts with the "storybook" type of opening credits, with illustrations picturing Garfield making contacts with fairy tale characters, including Humpty Dumpty and Red Little Riding Hood)
NC (vo): So it only figures the opening would be in crayon...I just assume the whole script was written in it. The film starts off with the surprising narration of Roscoe Lee Browne, the narrator of Babe.
(And we go to live-action)
Narrator: Once upon a time, in an English castle, there lived a pampered personage...
NC: (waves off) Oh, knock off that elegance and dignity bullshit; you're Garfield 2!
(We are shown the cooks making the breakfast for the aforementioned "Prince" and the butler, Smithee, carrying the tray into Prince's bedroom)
Narrator: Prince knew no other life than a life of luxury. Oh, did I mention that Prince was a cat?
(And that cat looks exactly like Garfield)
NC: (as the narrator) Yes. I'm...kind of a bad narrator. (takes some paper sheets) Oh, did I also mention that it takes place in the year 3021?
(A static is heard)
Director (vo, by Rob Walker): You're fired.
NC: (as the narrator) Oh, bother.
NC (vo): So as you can quickly imagine, this cat named Prince looks exactly like Garfield, and it's obviously taking influence from Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper. (beat) If that's so, why is your title satirizing A Tale of Two Cities? In fact, why did the opening credits have fairy tales?! None of these things are connected!
NC: This has less to do with Garfield than...the rest of the movie has anything to do with Garfield!!
(Cut to Garfield himself, jumping around and dancing, just like in the previous installment)
NC (vo): We then see our main character, Garfield, who's...pretty athletic for being so heavy...
NC: You guys know what a cat is, right? (A picture of a cat sleeping is shown)
NC (vo): ...as he discovers his master, Jon, is going to propose to Liz the vet, who Garfield apparently doesn't like.
(Jon hears the doorbell ringing and puts Garfield down)
Garfield (Bill Murray): Whatever happened to Jon? My metal-head guy, my dude? You were so much cooler when you wore a mullet.
NC: (scoffs) Now they're suggesting that Jon had a mullet. (looks left and right) Did he? (A picture of Jon as he appeared in Garfield and Friends is shown)
(Liz enters the house)
NC (vo): But Liz interrupts his big question because, apparently, she's been invited to go to England to speak at the Royal Animal Conservancy.
Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt): Jane Goodall dropped out at the last minute because she's nursing a sick chimp, and they asked me.
NC: Ah, yes. (pictures of...) Jane Goodall, Liz the vet. I totally understand this choice!
NC (vo): That's like saying, "What? We can't get Rudy Giuliani to open the 9/11 Museum? Well, bring in Paul Blart, mall cop! That's a fitting replacement! We do the smart thing."
Garfield: (to Jon, facepalms) You moron.
NC (vo): Jon decides to follow Liz to England, where we see the owner of Prince has died, and so a stretched Stephen Colbert reads the will saying who gets what.
Mr. Hobbs (Roger Rees): "I leave all my worldly possessions to my beloved kitty, Prince the 12th."
Prince (Tim Curry): I, Prince, the new lord of the castle?
NC (vo): That's right, legality be damned! Cats can now own property and titleship! Come on, as if anyone would be stupid enough to give uncontrollable power to a dumb orange narcissist with no experience whatsoever. Well you know they did. I imagined this inauguration would be about this big.
(Prince is informing his royal subjects, the small crowd of various barnyard animals)
Prince: I pledge, from this day forward, to rule my kingdom with wisdom and valor.
NC (vo): In case you're wondering, that's Tim Curry providing the voice of Prince.
NC: Which is a shame, because I really think his acceptance speech should be a little bit more Tim Curry-esque.
Prince: (overdubbed by the Lord of Darkness from Legend) Even now, the evil seed of what you've done germinates within you. I require the solace of the shadows and the dark of the night. Sunshine is my destroyer! We are all animals. (Prince leaves the yard)
NC: (as Mr. Hector from Home Alone 2) Have a lovely day.
NC (vo): But Prince's rule upsets the original owner's nephew Dargis, played by Billy Connolly...who was very clearly chosen because John Cleese wouldn't do it. Don't get me wrong. I love Billy Connolly, but it's amazing how much they make him look, sound and act exactly like John Cleese.
Dargis (Billy Connolly): (speaks with Mr. Hobbs on the phone) Since he is gone, the title of the Carlyle Estate falls to me.
(Cut to a clip of Man About Town)
Dr. Primkin (John Cleese): Hidden gold under a 20 ft. pile of horseshit.
Dargis: Well, actually, it's quite common.
Dr. Primkin: No! I don't need to read this yet.
Dargis: I don't particularly care what it seems to you.
NC: (as Basil Fawlty; shakes his fist in the air) MANUEL!
NC (vo): It's the same character Cleese usually plays, same attitude, appearance and voice. I'm just imagining that recording of John Cleese turning this role down.
(A rolling film wheel is shown as we are shown the caption, "Voice of John Cleese" with an image of Cleese. The following dialogue is heard in voiceover, with NC voicing Cleese and Rob voicing the director)
Director: Oh, please, come on. Come on.
John Cleese: No, no! No, no! I've done many things I'm not proud of: Fievel Goes West, Beethoven's Christmas Adventure, Swan Princess. But I'm drawing the line at The Tale of Two Titties!
Director: Actually, it's "Two Kitties."
Cleese: I know what I said. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to film in The Adventures of Pluto Nash.
Director: What... Over our movie?!
Cleese: Not proudly, but firmly. Fuck off, pigs.
NC (vo): So while Prince is enjoying his continuous life of luxury... (Cut to Prince traveling on a carriage pulled by a horse, guided by two British guards, which are pointed by an arrow) Jesus Christ, I thought those were centaurs...Connolly decides it's all water under the bridge by placing Prince in water under the bridge.
(Dargis throws Prince, inside a basket, into the water)
(Note: This part of the review appears only in the Channel Awesome version of the review, and not in the YouTube version)
NC (vo): One of the animals makes an announcement of Prince's disappearance.
Nigel the Weasel (Greg Ellis): (to the other animals) I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Animals: The good news.
NC (vo; as Nigel): The bad news is we're all in a Garfield movie. (as animals) Awww... (as Nigel) The good news is we have Bill Murray, Tim Curry, Billy Connolly and Bob Hoskins all together for the first time. (The animals are relieved) But the bad news is they're all still in a Garfield movie. (as animals) Awww...
NC (vo): So the animals try to foil whatever Connolly's evil plans are.
(Dargis is shown aiming a gun at a duck and a rabbit)
Bugs Bunny: (audio from the short Rabbit Fire) Duck season!
Daffy Duck: Rabbit season!
(Smithee stops Dargis from shooting)
Smithee (Ian Abercrombie): You wouldn't want to injure the creatures, would you?
NC: No, no. Only aim at for the orange ones with celebrities mumbling swear words under their breath!
(Garfield and Odie the dog are shown relaxing at Jon's England hotel room)
NC (vo): But Garfield decides while in Britain, he should probably look around.
Garfield: First, let's grab some chow, before I eat your liver, (imitates Hannibal Lecter) with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
NC (vo): Why do bad sequels think kids have seen Silence of the Lambs?! (The DVD cover of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is shown)
NC: Do they play it on Cartoon Network? Did they do a crossover with Gumball?! (An image of Hannibal Lecter with Gumball Watterson of The Amazing World of Gumball is shown)
NC (vo): But one of the butlers comes across Garfield, of course, mistaking him for Prince, while Prince is in a nearby sewer.
(Prince is shown struggling to get out of a sewer drain)
Prince: Hello? Someone help a chap? (tries to get out, but fails) I'm in the sewer.
NC: Oh, come on. You have a Silence of the Lambs joke, and you have Tim Curry in the sewer, and you don't do this?
(The scene of Prince struggling to get out of the sewer is dubbed over with dialogue from It)
Pennywise (dubbed over Prince): Hi, Georgie! They float. They float.
(Prince, having got out of the sewer, sees Odie)
Prince: Here, here. I must return to my throne. (Odie barks) What-o?
NC (vo; as Prince): Huh. How come every animal in this movie can talk but you? It didn't make sense in the comic strip, either. Is anything in this movie improved on?
(Jon sees Prince and picks him up, mistaking him for Garfield)
Jon (Breckin Meyer): Bathtime for you, buddy.
Prince: Well, that's the best news I've heard all day. The dog's not very bright, is he? Where are you taking me? Is it somewhere lovely?
NC: You know, I understand that the humans can't hear the animals in this, but...
NC (vo): ...do they ever question why many of them have spastic movements that seem eerily similar to human conversations?
(Tamara, dressed as a cat, suddenly appears next to NC and attempts to tell NC something by making several hand gestures)
NC: What is it, feline with human attributes? (Tamara continues making gestures) Well, this just seems totally normal to me. Should I be concerned? (Tamara continues making gestures) Oh, I know. (Brings out a remote) I'll use my "Feline with Human Attributes" translator. (Presses the button, but Tamara doesn't say anything; she continues making gestures) Still not talking. Is this something that cats do?
(Malcolm, dressed as a cat, appears next to Tamara)
Malcolm: No, no, no. We communicate just fine. She's just having a stroke. (to Tamara) Come on, darling. We'll get you to a doctor. Meow.
NC: Take her to Liz the vet. I hear she's the next Jane Goodall.
(We see Dargis describing what he plans for the Carlyle Estate to a woman named Abby)
NC (vo): It looks like he was found just in time, as Connolly has EVIL plans to turn this giant estate into a spa! (beat) Actually, that sounds lovely.
Dargis: A meditation garden, and, of course, luxury condominium.
Abby (Lucy Davis): What will you...do with all the animals?
Dargis: Those we don't chase off, we will serve up to the guests.
NC: Okay, the animal thing is douchey, but with financial planners...
NC (vo): ...I'm sure they'd find a way to either make profit on the farm or sell the animals in a way that would also make them profit. I mean, what's the alternative? There's just a big house for a cat? Call me crazy, but I'm totally siding with the bad guy in this. Do something with that place!
NC: Make it more than just a very expensive litter box!
(Garfield is shown experiencing Prince's home for the first time and meeting his subjects)
NC (vo): But, screw that! Instead, we have to have Garfield stand in for Prince so that the estate can...continue to burn money.
(Prince's servant, a bulldog named Winston, approaches the animal crowd)
Winston (Bob Hoskins): Oyez! Oyez!
NC (vo; as Winston): Attention, animals that can sense things through smell. Here is an obvious imposter! Fall for it.
Claudius the Mouse (Joe Pasquale): Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!
Nigel the Weasel (Greg Ellis): (holding up his fists) Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury, won't he?
NC: (as Nigel) Yeah! He'll have to put up with our blank stares!
NC (vo; as Nigel): Endure how unfocused we all are! (normal) But Garfield is shown that him staying there is very important, as apparently, the feline imbreeding is so big that there's literally not one difference in between them.
(Garfield approaches Prince's large playhouse)
Garfield: I got a house inside of a house.
(He struggles to get in, but does so while farting)
Winston: Oh, blimey.
NC: Hey! They got to the fart joke much slower than I originally expected they would. (A caption pops up, saying, "Original estimated time: 2 minutes in")
Winston: Well struck, Sire. Good tone, smooth finish.
NC (vo): Oh, it's how Jim Davis reacted after seeing his creation destroyed, but held a big residual check at the same time.
(Garfield is shown dancing and singing around the castle)
Garfield: (singing) I got me a life...
NC (vo): So Garfield enjoys the palace life...again, getting more exercise than we have ever seen this character get. It doesn't even question the scary-as-hell singing paintings.
(The paintings all showing cats that look like Garfield and Prince sing along)
Garfield: Moving on up!
Cats: Moving on up...
Garfield: To a castle!
Cats: Moving on up...
NC: You know, he's frightening enough in (makes air quotes) kind of three dimensions. We don't need to see if he's that frightening in two.
NC (vo): But Connolly, after a pretty long period of time passes, finally discovers that the cat is still there.
(Dargis is shown quickly ushering Abby out of the castle. The outside is shown as a clear green screen effect)
Dargis: Bring some of those investors. Those lovely investors will throw a party. Cheerio!
NC (vo; as Dargis): Home to your Green Screen of England. You know, we haven't had a sunny day here in eons.
(Dargis is shown teaching a large rottweiler named Rommel to kill Garfield by feeding him a pillow with an image of him on it)
Dargis: Kill kitty. Kill kitty.
NC (vo): So he trains a dog to rip Garfield to shreds, but it seems to backfire.
(Later, as Dargis is speaking on the phone, Rommel suddenly comes in and runs towards Dargis)
Dargis: Would you like to pop over and have--? (Rommel bites Dargis in the crotch) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
(Rommel continues biting on Dargis's crotch while ripping something out of his pants. Dargis is still screaming in an over-the-top fashion)
NC: (shocked) JESUS! It's supposed to be a crotch shot, not castration!
NC (vo): This is like a Game of Thrones death! CHRIST! (Cut to Jon, Liz, Odie and Prince having lunch at a restaurant) Meanwhile, Prince is being forced to enjoy common life while still being mistaken for Garfield.
(Prince is served a plate of lasagna)
Prince: Oh, good Lord. What gruel is this?
NC: British food. Though I understand the comparison.
(And we go to a commercial; upon return from the commercial, cut to Liz in the palace)
NC (vo): Later in the day, Liz coincidentally takes a tour of the palace Garfield is in. (gasps in mock shock) I'm as shocked as you!
Dargis: (to Liz) If I may... um, one question, uh...
NC: (British accent) Not... Vet Liz? Oh, thank God, we got rid of that Goodall bitch! You're the real connection to the animal mind!
Dargis: What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings?
Garfield: (overhearing the conversation) That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz!
NC (vo, as Garfield): The person I was trying to keep out of my life and now I suddenly care about for no reason!
NC: These transitions are as smooth as...
(Cut to a shot of a little girl on a Slip-n-Slide sliding towards a sheet of sandpaper)
NC (vo): ...a Slip-n-Slide becoming a slip into sandpaper!
(Cut to an earlier scene of Garfield)
Garfield: You moron.
(Dargis catches Garfield and throws him in a dungeon)
NC (vo): Connolly throws him in the dungeon, but his animal friends are there to help him get out.
Garfield: (to Claudius the mouse) What, did you finally hear my stomach growling?
Claudius: No, but we heard your tiresome monologue.
(The mouse opens up a secret door to reveal Winston)
Winston: Let's get you out of here, Your Royal Highness.
NC: Uh, how exactly does this dungeon work?
NC (vo): You pull on the chains like...anyone would do in a dungeon, especially if you're gonna handcuff somebody, and that opens a way out? Kind of counter-productive, isn't it? Do most villains have setups like that?
(Cut to a skit showing the Joker, played by Malcolm, holding Batgirl, played by Tamara, captive in a room)
Joker: Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! In five minutes, Batgirl, this whole room will fill with laughing gas. Better figure a way out if you want a Bat-kiss in the giggles!
(He laughs and leaves, without closing the room door. Batgirl, after standing in confusion for a moment, slowly walks out of the room. Outside, she sees the Joker sitting on a chair and eating a granola bar. The Joker notices Batgirl, then turns back around and continues sitting and eating, while Batgirl walks away. Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): Outside the dungeon, Garfield finally comes face to face with a mirror in the garden. (stutters sarcastically) Whaa...?!
(Garfield and Prince, both standing in front of each other, do various movements and faces at each other at the same amount of time. NC is looking uneasy)
NC: You know, this is usually more impressive when people are doing it.
NC (vo): You know, instead of animated vomit stains that you can move however you want.
(As NC speaks, a clip from a black-and-white movie Duck Soup is shown, with Pinky and Firefly, played by the Marx Brothers, doing one of the well-known examples of mirror routine. We are also shown mirrored GIFs of two animated chickens dancing)
NC: Two people moving in exact unison is very impressive, but when one animated cartoon moves exactly like the other animated cartoon, it just kind of looks like you copied it.
(A caption pops up saying, "But it looks real!")
NC: What's that, movie? (The caption is shown again) Oh, yes, of course. It looks so realistic, I didn't even know it was CG.
(Cut to another clip from Duck Soup)
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet you're just using that as an excuse.
NC (vo): But when Prince returns, it looks like he just wants to run away from Connolly. Garfield, again, in typical Garfield fashion, applies his bravery and self-motivation to inspire the others.
Garfield: You know, I have to believe we can do better. We don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt.
(NC, really confused, brings out a Garfield comic book and shows its cover)
NC: Is it really that hard just to open one of these?
NC (vo): But this movie's not done trying to be the next Santa Paws, as all the animals come together to foil Connolly's plans.
(Dargis throws a curtain down in frustration)
Dargis: Stupid cat! (brings out a mace as a weapon)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. You never know when you might need a mace. Good to have those lying around. That must've been great on those tours we see all the time. Feel free to touch the mace! Take one home as a souvenir! It's a great form of punishment if you can't show them this movie.
(As Dargis confronts both Garfield and Prince and the group of people running the estate, he is suddenly bit on the butt by Odie)
Dargis: Something's biting me!
NC (vo): After the animals give Connolly the run-around, he takes measures into his own hands.
(Jon, holding a bow full of arrows, confronts Dargis, who takes out a large gun and holds Liz hostage)
Dargis: And not a moment too soon.
Jon: Let her go.
Dargis: All in good time.
NC: NO! NOT LIZ! She was gonna cure animal cancer! THAT'S LIZ!!
(Nigel suddenly comes in and runs around inside Dargis's pants)
NC (vo): But one weasel bites off another weasel...what's the point? (We are shown the earlier scene of Rommell biting Dargis in the crotch) We know there's nothing left up there...and everybody seems to be safe.
(After the police takes Dargis away, Jon approaches Liz)
Jon: I've been trying to get the courage up to ask you something all week.
(Garfield brings out a ring box for Jon)
Garfield: Looking for something?
Jon: Liz, will you marry me?
NC (vo): Ah, yes, marriage. That's what this was all about. Garfield getting over his hatred of Liz and his love for Jon by...
NC: ...being separated from them in most of the movie and learning absolute squat. Tell me the credits are around the corner. (The credits roll with another scene playing during them) Oh, wow. It's like the next scene. This movie wants to end itself as much as I do.
(The footage of the movie is shown as NC goes to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): So that was The Prince and the Pussy…I mean, Furry Tale Theatre…I mean, A Tail of Two Kitties. Yeah, seriously, why is it called that again? It pretends to be funny, moralistic, and just like Garfield, but it’s dull, unfocused on the message, and has more to do with dental surgery than Garfield, and is probably more tolerable to sit through. Thank God there’s only two of these movies, because they only would’ve gotten worse and worse. They started from a place that had little to do with such a likeable character and only strayed further and further away. My advice is not to look at any of this kitty litter anytime soon.
NC: And that's the last movie for Sequel Month, and thank God. Can you think of anything good this experience has given us?
(Bill (Malcolm) suddenly appears)
NC: Bill? He's always been here. How could you forget Bill?
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Garfield: You moron.