Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties

Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties
Released	February 8th, 2017
Running time	18:07
Previous review	The Smurfs 2
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/garfield-2-a-tail-of-two-kitties-nostalgia-critic/

(We start off with the Sequel Month: The Sequel title card before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic, looking slightly less irritated than in the previous review)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(A poster of Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties appears)

NC: Bad kitty.

(Clips of the movie are shown, starting with the title)

NC (voiceover): We all know Bill Murray duped himself into Garfield 1 thinking one of the Coen brothers wrote it, but his contract included a sequel and because audiences loved to see this man punished, (posters of Larger Than Life, Osmosis Jones and The Man Who Knew Too Little are shown) he got one. Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties continues the Garfield movie tradition of having practically nothing to do with Garfield. He dances, has a ton of energy, tries to help those in need, and looks like a hairy hallucination from Pink Floyd's The Wall. (Picture of one of the hallucinations from said movie appears)

NC: But he likes lasagna, so... (shrugs) no difference?

NC (vo): It probably goes without saying that this film is just as bad as the first, but this is an analytical review series, so just saying "Bite me, you flock of ginger pubic hair" probably isn't gonna be enough.

NC: So let's take a look with greater detail – something the filmmakers obviously didn't do! This is Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.

(The movie starts with the "storybook" type of opening credits, with illustrations picturing Garfield making contacts with fairy tale characters, including Humpty Dumpty and Red Little Riding Hood)

NC (vo): So it only figures the opening would be in crayon...I just assume the whole script was written in it. The film starts off with the surprising narration of Roscoe Lee Browne, the narrator of Babe.

(And we go to live-action)

Narrator: Once upon a time, in an English castle, there lived a pampered personage...

NC: (waves off) Oh, knock off that elegance and dignity bullshit; you're Garfield 2!

(We are shown the cooks making the breakfast for the aforementioned "Prince" and the butler, Smithee, carrying the tray into Prince's bedroom)

Narrator: Prince knew no other life than a life of luxury. Oh, did I mention that Prince was a cat?

(And that cat looks exactly like Garfield)

NC: (as the narrator) Yes. I'm...kind of a bad narrator. (takes some paper sheets) Oh, did I also mention that it takes place in the year 1321?

(A static is heard)

Director (vo, by Doug): You're fired.

NC: (as the narrator) Oh, bother.

NC (vo): So as you can quickly imagine, this cat named Prince looks exactly like Garfield, and it's obviously taking influence from Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper. (beat) If that's so, why is your title satirizing A Tale of Two Cities? In fact, why did the opening credits have fairy tales?! None of these things are connected!

NC: This has less to do with Garfield than...the rest of the movie has anything to do with Garfield!!

(Cut to Garfield himself, jumping around and dancing, just like in the previous installment)

NC (vo): We then see our main character, Garfield, who's...pretty athletic for being so heavy...

NC: You guys know what a cat is, right? (A picture of a cat sleeping is shown)

NC (vo): ...as he discovers his master, Jon, is going to propose to Liz the vet, who Garfield apparently doesn't like.

(Jon hears the doorbell ringing and puts Garfield down)

Garfield (Bill Murray): Whatever happened to Jon? My metal-head guy, my dude? You were so much cooler when you wore a mullet.

NC: (scoffs) Now they're suggesting that Jon had a mullet. (looks left and right) Did he? (A picture of Jon as he appeared in Garfield and Friends is shown)

(Liz enters the house)

NC (vo): But Liz interrupts his big question because, apparently, she's been invited to go to England to speak at the Royal Animal Conservancy.

Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt): Jane Goodall dropped out at the last minute because she's nursing a sick chimp, and they asked me.

NC: Ah, yes. (pictures of...) Jane Goodall, Liz the vet. I totally understand this choice!

NC (vo): That's like saying, "What? We can't get Rudy Giuliani to open the 9/11 Museum? Well, bring in Paul Blart, mall cop! That's a fitting replacement! We do the smart thing."

Garfield: (to Jon, facepalms) You moron.

NC (vo): Jon decides to follow Liz to England, where we see the owner of Prince has died, and so a stretched Stephen Colbert reads the will saying who gets what.

Mr. Hobbs (Roger Rees): I leave all my worldly possessions to my beloved kitty, Prince the 12th.

Prince (Tim Curry): I, Prince, the new lord of the castle?

NC (vo): That's right, legality be damned! Cats can now own property and titleship! Come on, is it anyone who would be stupid enough to give uncontrollable power to a dumb orange narcissist with no experience whatsoever? Yeah, you know they did. I imagined this inauguration would be about this big.

(Prince is informing his royal subjects, the various farmyard animals, about this)

Prince: I pledge, from this day forward, to rule my kingdom with wisdom and valor.

NC (vo): In case you're wondering, that's Tim Curry providing the voice of Prince.

NC: Which is a shame, because I really his acceptance speech should be a little bit more Tim Curry-esque.

Prince: (overdubbed by the Lord of Darkness from Legend) Even now, the evil seed of what you've done germinates within you. I require the solace of the shadows and the dark of the night. Sunshine is my destroyer! We are all animals. (Prince leaves the yard)

NC: (as Mr. Hector from Home Alone 2) Have a lovely day.

NC (vo): But Prince's rule upsets the original owner's nephew Dargis, played by Billy Connolly...who was very clearly chosen because John Cleese wouldn't do it. Don't get me wrong. I love Billy Connolly, but it's amazing how much they make him look, sound and act exactly like John Cleese.

Dargis (Billy Connolly): Since he is gone, the title of the Carlyle Estate falls to me.

(Cut to a clip of Man About Town)

Dr. Primkin (John Cleese): Hidden gold under a 20 ft. pile of horseshit.

Dargis: Well, actually, it's quite common.

Dr. Primkin: No! I don't need to read this yet.

Dargis: I don't particularly care what it seems to you.

NC: (as Basil Fawlty; shakes his fist in the air) MANUEL!

NC (vo): It's the same character Cleese usually plays, same attitude, appearance and voice. I'm just imagining that recording of John Cleese turning this role down.

(A rolling film wheel is shown as we are shown the caption, "Voice of John Cleese" with an image of Cleese. The following dialogue is heard in voiceover, with NC voicing Cleese and the director)

Director: Oh, please, come on. Come on.

John Cleese: No, no! No, no! I've done many things I'm not proud of: Fievel Goes West, Beethoven's Christmas Adventure, Swan Princess. But I'm drawing the line at The Tale of Two Titties! Director: Actually, it's Two Kitties.

Cleese: I know what I said. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to film in The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Director: Over our movie?!

Cleese: Not proudly, but firmly. Fuck off, pigs.

NC (vo): So while Prince is enjoying his continuous life of luxury... (Cut to Prince traveling on a carriage pulled by a horse, guided by two British guards, which are pointed by an arrow) Jesus Christ, I thought those were centaurs...Connolly decides it's all water under the bridge by placing Prince in water under the bridge. (Dargis throws Prince, inside a basket, into the water) So the animals try to foil whatever Connolly's evil plans are. (Dargis is shown aiming a gun at a duck and a rabbit) Bugs Bunny (vo): Duck season! Daffy Duck (vo): Rabbit season! (The butler, Smithee, stops Dargis from shooting) Smithee (Ian Abercrombie): You wouldn't want to injure the creatures, would you? NC: No, no. Only aim at for the orange ones with celebrities mumbling swear words under their breath!

(Garfield and Odie the dog are shown relaxing at Jon's England hotel room)

NC (vo): But Garfield decides while in Britain, he should probably look around.

Garfield: First, let's grab some chow, before I eat your liver, (imitates Hannibal Lecter) with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

NC (vo): Why do bad sequels think kids have seen Silence of the Lambs?! (The DVD cover of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is shown)

NC: Do they play it on Cartoon Network? Did they do a crossover with Gumball?! (An image of Hannibal Lecter with Gumball is shown)

NC (vo): But one of the butlers comes across Garfield, of course, mistaking him for Prince, while Prince is in a nearby sewer. (Prince is shown struggling to get out of a sewer drain) Prince: Hello? Someone help a chap? (Tries to get out, but fails) I'm in the sewer. NC: Oh, come on. You have a Silence of the Lambs joke, and you have Tim Curry in the sewer, and you don't do this? (The scene of Prince struggling to get out of the sewer is dubbed over with dialogue from It) Pennywise (dubbed over Prince): Hi, Georgie! They float. They float. (Prince, having got out of the sewer, sees Odie) Prince: Here, here. I must return to my throne. (Odie barks) What-o? NC (vo; as Prince): Huh. How come every animal in this movie can talk but you? It didn't make sense in the comic strip either. Is anything in this movie improved on? (Jon sees Prince and picks him up, mistaking him for Garfield) Jon: Bathtime for you, buddy. Prince: Well, that's the best news I've heard all day. The dog's not very bright, is he? Where are you taking me? Is it somewhere lovely? NC: You know, I understand that the humans can't hear the animals in this, but... NC (vo): ...do they ever question why many of them have spastic movements that seem eerily similar to human conversations. (Tamara, dressed as a cat, suddenly appears next to NC and attempts to tell NC something by making several hand gestures) NC: What is it, feline with human attributes? (Tamara continues making gestures) Well, this just seems totally normal to me. Should I be concerned? (Tamara continues making gestures) Oh, I know. (Brings out a remote) I'll use my "Feline with Human Attributes" translator. (Presses the button, but Tamara doesn't say anything; she continues making gestures) Still not talking. Is this something that cats do? (Malcolm, dressed as a cat, appears next to Tamara) Malcolm: No, no, no. We communicate just fine. She's just having a stroke. (To Tamara) Come on, darling. We'll get you to a doctor. Meow. (They leave) NC: Take her to Liz the vet. I hear she's the next Jane Goodall. (We see Dargis describing what he plans for the Carlyle Estate to a woman named Abby) NC (vo): It looks like he was found just in time, as Connolly has EVIL plans to turn this giant estate into a spa! (Beat) Actually, that sounds lovely. Dargis: A meditation garden, and, of course, luxury ???. Abby: What will we...do with all the animals? Dargis: Those we don't chase off, we will serve up to the guests. NC: Okay, the animal thing is douchy, but with financial planners... NC (vo): ...I'm sure they'd find a way to either make profit on the farm or sell the animals in a way that would also make them profit. I mean, what's the alternative? There's just a big house for a cat? Call me crazy, but I'm totally siding with the bad guy in this. Do something with that place! NC: Make it more than just a very expensive litter box! (Garfield is shown experiencing Prince's home for the first time and meeting his subjects)

NC (vo): But, screw that! Instead, we have to have Garfield stand in for Prince so that the estate can...continue to burn money.

(Prince's servant, a bulldog named Winston, approaches the animal crowd)

NC (vo; as Winston): Attention, animals that can sense things through smell. Here is an obvious imposter! Fall for it.

Mouse: Dargis is going to burn up the farmyard and feed us to the tourists!

Weasel: (holding up his fists) Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury, won't he?

NC: (as the weasel) Yeah! He'll have to put up with our blank stares!

NC (vo; as the weasel): Endure how unfocused we all are! (normal) But Garfield is shown that him staying there is very important, as apparently, the feline imbreeding is so big that there's literally not one difference in between them.

(Garfield approaches Prince's large playhouse)

Garfield: I got a house inside of a house.

(He struggles to get in, but does so while farting)

Winston (Bob Hoskins): Oh, blimy.

NC: Hey! They got to the fart joke much slower than I originally expected they would. (A caption pops up, saying, "Original estimated time: 2 minutes in")

Winston: Well struck, Sire. Good tone, smooth finish.

NC (vo): Oh, it's how Jim Davis reacted after seeing his creation destroyed, but held a big residual check at the same time.

(Garfield is shown dancing and singing around the castle) Garfield: (Singing) I got me a life... NC (vo): So Garfield enjoys the palace life...again getting more exercise than we have ever seen this character get. It doesn't even question the scary-as-hell singing paintings. (The paintings all showing cats that look like Garfield and Prince sing along) Garfield: Moving on up! Cats: Moving on up... Garfield: To a castle! Cats: Moving on up... NC: You know, he's frightening enough in kind of three dimensions. We don't need to see if he's that frightening in two. NC (vo): But Connolly, after a pretty long period of time passes, finally discovers that the cat is still there. (Dargis is shown quickly ushering Abby out of the castle. The outside is shown as a clear green screen effect) Dargis: Bring some of those investors. Those lovely investors will throw a party. Cheerio! NC (vo; as Dargis): Home to your Green Screen of England. You know, we haven't had a sunny day here in eons. (Dargis is shown teaching a large bulldog to kill Garfield by feeding him a pillow) Dargis: Kill the kitty. Kill kitty. NC (vo): So he trains a dog to rip Garfield to shreds, but it seems to backfire. (Later, as Dargis is speaking on the phone, the dog suddenly comes in and runs towards Dargis) Dargis: Would you like to pop over and have--? (The dog bites Dargis in the crotch) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! (The dog continues biting on Dargis's crotch while ripping something out of his pants) NC: (Shocked) JESUS! It's supposed to be a crotch shot, not castration! NC (vo): This is like a Game of Thrones death! CHRIST! (Cut to Jon, Liz, Odie and Prince having lunch at a restaurant) Meanwhile, Prince is being forced to enjoy common life while still being mistaken for Garfield. (Prince is served a plate of lasagna) Prince: Oh, good Lord. What gruel is this? NC: British food. Though I understand the comparison. (And we go to a commercial)