Doug: This is Garfield. We're doing this because it's still fresh in my mind, this fucking movie.

Rob: Ugh!

Doug: Goddammit.

Rob: UGGH!

Doug: When we were little kids, didn't we always talk about, like, a Garfield movie and what it would be like and what would be in it?

Rob: Well, for one, it would have been animated.

Doug: Yeah, uh, well, who says this wasn't? Um, but the whole thing would have been animated.

Rob: Parts were animated.

Doug: Even if they did it all CG, this is one of the few times where it's like if they made it all CG, it would have been okay. That would have been fine.

Rob: Ugh.

Doug: Um, you know. Instead, you had to get these human actors that act like not-interesting animated characters, half the characters from A Cr- you know, The Christmas Tree. And, I don't know. It's one of those things, like, because we both really liked Garfield growing up. I even said..

Rob: Oh yeah.

Doug: Even the stuff that we knew wasn't good like, hey, there's a Garfield picture book of just him... going to school. "Garfield Goes to School," or something like that, but it was still Garfield. He was still this cynic, he would still roll his eyes, and he was lazy, and everything else.

Rob: And yes, it's formulaic, but I still find it funny.

Doug: Yeah, and the TV show, it's funny. Even th- even if there's not like a big budget behind that, the TV show Garfield and Friends, like, that was... Watching it again years later, it's so cheap. I mean, the animation, and the music and everything is so cheap...

Rob: You could tell they had zero budget, but it was still amusing.

Doug: But the writing, yeah, the writing...

Rob: The writing was good, yeah.

Doug: The writing was actually really good. And so much of it centered around him and what a likable character he was. You know, it wasn- It wasn't bound by any real sense of reality. It was like, yeah, okay, it's a cat in suburbia, but he can walk on two legs, and people can kind of hear his thoughts. That was the part that confused me the most.

Rob: It surprises me how you have, I mean... Jim Davis has been doing this for decades. He's got the formula down to a science. I mean, let's not be honest, I mean, let's be honest here. Like, Garfield is formulaic, it's... You know, a series of similar jokes, but they're all well put together and they're funny. Um, at least, I think they're funny. Probably have people like, "Garfield sucks." But, so- I don't get how when you have somebody who has gotten this done to a science and done this for decades, you can't just literally shit out a movie that's prefabricated and at least serviceable.

Doug: Mhmm.

Rob: Like, this isn't even a serviceable movie, this is just rock... BOTTOM.

Doug: And what's so fascinating about it is that they try to have it in reality, and it's like you can't-- Odie's a real dog and the mice are real mice and stuff like that, but, bu-but, Garfield is this...

Rob: Well, it's not even really reality, it's some sort of Edward Scissorhands cartoonish reality.

Doug: No, no, but that's the thing, it's really, for the most part, just like suburban homes and whatever and-and pets are pets and everything, but like, Garfield looks like a fucking martian, he looks so gross and Odie looks, even though he's a real dog, almost looks worse. I mean, he's just this ugly dog that looks nothing like the original. Nermal is a joke, and like none of the characters are like what they should be.

Rob: Nermal just blew my mind. I'm just, like, when he finally...

Doug: [as Nermal in the movie] "Hey, Garfield! Come on! Look at the meal!"

Rob: When he said "Hey, Nermal," I was like... where?

Doug: [shocked] What the fuck are you talking about?

Rob: I'm like, wait, not that cat. What, the Siamese cat? Wha- I'm like, WHAT?! I'm like, NO. no-no-no-no.

Doug: How hard is it to find a gray cat? I think, like, the girl cat, I always forget her name [Arlene]. But like the girl cat was gray.

Rob: It's not even- It's not even the breed of the cat, it's just the voice.

Doug: Mhmm.

Rob: Like, the voice, the personality. Normal- Ner-Normal, Nermal is supposed to be the cutest wittle kitty-cat on the planet, and I'm like, WOW.

Doug: And that's funny. How funny would that have been, with all the cat videos out there and all the obsession with cats, to have Nermal in that world? I mean, that would be hilarious. And they're just like, "Meh! just make him like..."

Rob: It's the Internet Age, and the movie seems strangely dog-obsessed with that damn dog show.

Doug: Yeah.

Rob: And, I-I I'm like, really? Like, we couldn't have made it about like, there's your better plot. Like, have him be a competition between Garfield and Nermal for cuteness.

Doug: Mhmm.

Rob: Bring the internet- If you're going to go that stupid reality route, like I ju-... gah.

Doug: Here's what I was realizing, the scene where Odie goes in the middle of the show and starts jumping on its legs and everyone goes... [applauds while laughing and sticking out his tongue]... like that, I realize...

Rob: No, no. [does the same except childish laugh. Doug imitates Rob's laughter]

Doug: It's that one guy I always try to cut to whenever I do that joke.

Rob: With the giant Petco sign that camera...

Doug: Just.. [Applauding and laughing childishly]

Rob: Always seems, yeah, the camera always seems to have that Petco sign somehow in frame.

Doug: Yeah, and Wendy's and Pepsi and Ace Hardware, and it's like, ugh. But, um, okay, so they, uh... that idea of... Odie going in and just jumping on its legs and everyone standing up and applauding, I can actually see that in a Garfield special in that world. Garfield would be like doing something, he would be like a samurai or doing flips and kicks and something like that...

Rob: Crickets would chirp.

Doug: Yeah and, like, crickets would chirp and he would walk off...

Rob: But there was no payoff.

Doug:... and then Odie would up like that and they go [applauding]. That would be the joke and that would be funny. But there was...

Rob: But there was no payoff.

Doug: And they didn't have the reality that Garfield had. You know, this really flexible, funny reality. But, no, it's pretty much just supposed to be the real world except there's a talking cat, who you can't hear.

Rob: And such a... I'm hard-pressed to think of a movie. This, I didn't see Terminator: Genesis. I'm told that one is pretty miscast, but... THIS... SHOCKINGLY, like, RIDICULOUSLY, PATHETICALLY miscast.

Doug: With the exception of Bill Murray.

Rob: With the exception of Bill Murray, every single person is ABSOLUTELY wrong, including the dog.

Doug: Yeah.

Rob: Um, including the cat who plays Nermal, um, though I didn't mind that he was Siamese so much, but I don't... I don't get it. Like, how hard is it to find somebody to play a goofy Jon Arbuckle?

Doug: Yeah, I...

Rob: ..Or be a geeky-looking Liz. Liz was probably the- probably the closest, but even she looks way too good.

Doug: Yeah, she was way too nice. I mean, that was not Liz.

Rob: They were supposed to be... geeky people. And I, I don't know. I just...

Doug: Yeah, I mean, it's, it's one of those things where it's like we enjoy Garfield. Garfield is not funny for the jokes, I mean, uh, whether you like the jokes or not. That is not the reason why Garfield is funny. Garfield is funny for the people and for the personalities and for the characters. These are such...

Rob: And the blatant cynicism.

Doug: Yeah. These are such great characters and I think that's why people related to Garfield so well is because is, I mean, at the time, and even still kinda now, he really does kind of represent this part of America that wants to enjoy the laziness and enjoy, like, "Yeah, I'm lazy and fat...

Rob: Enjoying being a dick.

Doug: Who cares? And I'm cynical, I'll make fun of stuff. Who cares? I'm me." And there was this kind of point where it's like, You know... Cool. He's kind of comfortable with it, but he's also kind of likable. He never quite goes too far. Uh, and when he does, he sort of backtracks and realizes he's gone too far. And, uh, I guess they were kind of getting that. I mean, Garfield himself, like, once in a while, he's like, "Okay, that kind of seems right or that seems like something he would do," and, like I said, Bill Murray's throwing voice is very good for it. But... yeah, it just seems like we're just doing jokes. You know, we'll have this thing with Odie, which is kind of a constant story arc that comes back with them. But... uh, aside from that it's just jokes. "Who would want that kind of exposure? I need a cat scan! A CAT SCAN!"

Rob: But it's not that-

Doug: "Oh, we're going to Chuck-E-Cheese?"

Rob: But the jokes aren't funny!

Doug: Yeah! And-

Rob: Like, a Garfield strip will make me laugh, not all the time, but I still will get some laughs. I can't think of a single joke that I laughed at in this film, not, uh, one.

Doug: But that's the thing, I can read a Garfield strip and not laugh, but still feel good it's like, oh that's what Garfield's up to. That's how good a character it is.

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