And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
It starts off in the 1800's.
Like...any G.I. Joe movie would.
And this guy is getting this metal mask put on him!
(Gradually gets closer to camera) Nooooooooooooo!
And we never see him again.
And then we cut to the not-too-distance future.
(sings) Way down in deep 13!
I love that show.
And it appears these scienmatists have created this new kind of warhead!
It is a warhead that releases killer mosquitoes!
Except they don't suck blood, they eat the city!
I think they were on loan from Keanu Reeves from "The Day The Earth Stood Still."
So the reason they have this warhead that releases all these mosquitoes is.... *thinks* I guess regular warheads didn't work good enough.
How exactly does that work?
Are giant nuclear explosions just not effective?
I mean was it really just a scientist who was getting high and said, *snickers* "You know what be cool? If, instead of a big explosion, we had mosquitoes...eating buildings."
Do it! Event that crap!
And get me some Cheetos.
So our main character's name is Duke.
And he has to stop an evil terrorist organization known as Cobra1!
(Mimics Cobra Commander, shaking fist) Cobbbrrraaaa!
(chuckles) I always love it when they shout that.
Even though they never shout it in the movie.
So Cobra is an evil organization who's led by the most terrifying person you can think of.
Tommy, from "3rd Rock From The Sun!"
I always loved that little boy girl creature.
He looked like spam.
And one of the people working for Cobra is the Baroness!
Who sadly is never baring...ass?
I always loved her with that German-Russian-Chek accent!
It's just like Dominic and his phony British accent! *Cut to Dominic from "Video Game Confessions"*
So I'm saying to myself, "What kind of accent will she have in this movie?"
And it turns out that it's an American accent! ......Woo!
Why is she called the Baroness if she's American?
Maybe it's her porn name.
I had a porn name once!
I was Chester A. Bum!
The "A" stands for "Anal."
So G.I. Joe and Cobra are in trouble because they're all being attacked by flashbacks!
I mean it! Everybody in this movie has a flashback!
The Baroness has a flashback.
Duke has a flashback.
These two martial arts guys have a flashback.
I think even the search dogs have a flashback!
(sad) "Ruff! I don't like my puphood! My mother was such a bitch!"
So G.I. Joe has to save the world from the evil mosquitoes.
Wow, did I really just say that?
I must be really high.
But, unfortunately, the Eiffel Tower is blown up!
And the French people are like, "Sacre bleu! *In French accent* Our tower is being destroyed by bloodsuckers! Le ahhhhh! Le ahhhhh!"
But it's okay, because G.I. Joe turns off the "off" button!
Yeah, this warhead has an "off" button.
Just for the record, explosions don't have "off" buttons!
Now I know!
And knowing is half the Batmobile!
So G.I. Joe defeats the evil Cobra.
But then Tommy is like, "I am now Cobra Commander!"
And this Scottish metalface guy is like, "I am now Scottish Metalface Guy!"
"And together, we will conquer the worrrrlllddd!" *thunder and lightning*
But then the good guys are like, "No you won't."
So the bad guys are put in prison.
The Baroness becomes good. *long pause* ...Weak!
And Jonathan Price, the first British-American president, has been replaced by the mummy from the Mummy movie!
But it's okay. Brendan Fraser has a brief cameo!
I'm sure he'll defeat him the sequel that will never be made.
So, as you can tell, I really liked "G.I. Joe."
Especially the part where they yell "Cobbbrrraaa!"
Oh wait, that never happened.
The part where they had the PSA at the end!
"Knowing is half the bat--" Wait, that never happened either.
The Baroness' accent, which is the most attractive thing in the entire wor-- Why was this called G.I. Joe?!
It had nothing to do with it!
It's like making a sequel to the "Halloween" movies that has nothing to do with the original "Halloween" movie!
But at least the toys are a lot of fun!
They taste like helium.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least give me an illegal copy of this DVD! I've never even seen what I look like!