G.I. Joe: The Movie

G.I. Joe: The Movie
Duration	19:57
Released	August 8, 2017
Previous	Monkeybone
Next	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/g-i-joe-the-movie-nostalgia-critic/

(Shortened opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (long, awkward pause) Uhhh, I wanna talk about the G.I. Joe movie. (takes out the DVD for it)

(Titles and clips of movie are shown)

NC (vo): Yeah, there's no current tie-in, nobody asked for it. I don't really have any reason. I just wanted to talk about this awesome 1987 cinematic nonsense. Is that so wrong?

NC: (giving a military salute) NO, JOE!!

NC (vo): Based on the popular army toyline turned later into a hit 80s cartoon, G.I. Joe followed the adventures of Duke and his team of soldiers fighting the terrorist organization Cobra. You know, when terrorists were... snakes.

NC: I miss snake terrorists.

NC (vo): As their popularity grew more and more, even to the point of recruiting wrestlers into their line-up...

(Cut to a G.I. Joe commercial)

Sergeant Slaughter: Sergeant Slaughter, here! And it does me proud to be a part of the G.I. Joe team for 1986.

NC: '86, eighty-shit. You were always G.I.Joe!

(Cut back to clips from the movie)

NC (vo): ...they decided to go to the big screen with G.I. Joe: The Movie. It was basically Team America for kids. So, no swearing or face-shiting, but just as much 'MURICA!

NC: Is it everything you'd expect it to be? HELL, YEAH! Is it any good? HELL, NO! But I don't want good, I want HELL, YEAH! This is G.I. Joe: The Movie.

(The film begins right when the TV series ended, with Cobra's attack on the Statue of Liberty and Duke arriving with his soldiers to fight them)

NC (vo): It opens with what I can only describe as the most Americanly violent intro a kids' film could throw at you. The Statue of Liberty is under attack because, crashing through the sky, comes the fearful cry of Cobra!

NC: And if you doubt that, the 80s sing it!

(As the Cobra terrorists go down with parachutes, we are treated to the movie's title theme, which is composed in rock style)

Singers: Crashing through the sky, / Comes the fearful cry: / Cobra! (Cobraaaa...!)

NC: BOOOOO! BOOOOOO!

NC (vo): I love that one guy echoing "Cobra" in the background, like if he got lost from the group and he's trying to call for them.

Singers: Cobra! (Cobraaaa...!) / Cobra! (Cobraaaa...!)

NC: (imitating the "echoing guy", desperately calling out) Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa!

(Major Bludd's C.L.A.W. is shot out of the sky by Duke)

Singers: Panic spreading, far and wide / Who can turn the tide? (NC shrugs questioningly) G.I. Joe!

NC: (salutes) Send them to G-rated Hell!

(A big firefight is going on between the Cobra terrorists and G.I. Joe team on top of the Statue)

Singers: G.I. Joe! (A real American hero!)

NC (vo, chuckles): Oh, my God, this is way too much America to take in for only one minute!

NC: I need to calm down with some Canadian. (He takes out a bottle of Organics maple syrup, opens it and sniffs, smiling) Ah... (puts the bottle away) Okay, continue.

NC (vo): Look at this. It's the most amazing opening ever! Everybody is shooting, everybody is flying with fire, and all around Lady Liberty while an 80s theme song plays!

(Duke, the leader of the troops, pushes the Cobra Commander off the Statue; he falls and lands on a flight pod)

Singers: G.I. Joe! (A real American hero!) / G.I. Joe is there!

NC: If the American flag could lift a tank and eat bullets, this is the movie that would do it in!

NC (vo): The animation is spectacular: every moment leaping off the screen in a blaze of glory. This is the kind of military porn Michael Bay wishes he could make.

NC: You know, instead of...

(Cut to a clip of Pearl Harbor)

Rafe: They call it an homage, sir.

Doolittle: A what?

NC: Oh, shut the hell up and play my jam!

Singers: G.I. Joe! (A real American hero!)

(NC squeals in excitement, shaking hands)

Singers: G.I. Joe is there!

NC (vo): Oh, you think CGI Toby Maguire posing in front of the American flag is iconic?

NC: Pussy, pansy, piss! We have Duke...

(The conclusion to the movie's intro is shown as described by NC)

NC (vo): ...picking up the American flag, rocket-packing it to the sky, following him all the way up the Statue of Liberty, and planting it on her head with his team, while cheering to their 80s theme song!

NC: All you need is (One of Donald Trump's tweets saying "Putin wood have dun this bett3r. sad" is shown) a Trump tweet saying he doesn't like it, and it'll be the most American thing in the world!

Singers: G.I. Joe!

NC: AMERIGASIIIIIIIIIM!!!

(A big caption "Amerigasm" in the colors of the American flag zooms in, and when the intro ends, the screen literally explodes! We then cut to a clip from Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes commercial)

Old Man: America.

NC: America indeed. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll...but immediately stop when NC rushes back)

NC: Oh, that's right! There's more! Sorry, it totally couldn't stop there, or I would have been 100% satisfied!

NC (vo): The film open with an evil Cobra...

NC: BOOOOOO!

NC (vo): ...as the metal-faced Cobra Commander is being talked to by the head of Cobra, Serpentor... (The said character is shown wearing a golden cobra-shaped costume and having a two-headed cobra (!) around his neck. NC breaks down laughing) Oh, my God...

Serpentor (Dick Gautier): Blunderers! Fools!

NC: (hand on cheek, smiling) I so miss snake terrorists!

NC (vo): He looks like a python choking on Archer! And what's with the snakes on his side? Is it like...one snake-human-centipede together?

NC: I have so many questions about these fashion choices!

Serpentor: ...your collective incompetence!

Cobra Commander (Chris Latta): (speaking in a grating, high voice) Hogwash!

(NC gasps dramatically)

Cobra Commander: Your leadership has been pompous, pusillanimous, and pathetic!

NC: Oh, for those unfamiliar, there's nothing wrong with your computer; that is what he actually sounds like.

NC (vo): And, yes, you're allowed to laugh at it all you want. We have for years.

Cobra Commander: Go ahead. Make me the scapegoat. 

NC (vo): Cobra Commander looks for people to back up his claims of Serpentor's incompetence, but they stab him in the back. 

Destro (Arthur Brughardt): Buffoon! 

Cobra Commander: What?! 

Tomax and Xamot (Corey Burton and Michael Bell): Inexcusable! 

Cobra Commander: Unsubstantiated fantasy! 

NC: (as Cobra Commander) You're just jealous I do a better Rita Repulsa than half the women here! 

(Pythona, an emissary for the kingdom of Cobra-La, fights her way into Serpentor's chambers) 

NC (vo): But someone breaks into Cobra headquarters: a deadly snake knockoff of (picture of the Mortal Kombat character named...) Sheeva, known as Pythona. 

NC: (rubs forehead) Can we just call these people what they are: Snake Thundercats? 

NC (vo): She shows them a powerful device known as the Broadcast Enegry Transmitter, a device G.I. Joe has that can transmit pure energy anywhere on the world. 

Scarlett (BJ Ward): Well let's find out if we've wasted a billion taxpayer dollars. 

NC: This country? Naah! 

NC (vo): Seeing how Pythona shows where it is, Cobra attacks, trying to get their hands on it. 

Duke (Michael Bell): They're after the B.E.T.! 

NC: What will Croc watch in Suicide Squad now? 

(The Joes are pushing Cobra back) 

Cobra Commander: Stand your ground! Not there! Here! No! 

NC: You know, I think everyone just needs a random Cobra Commander line generator app. 

(NC gets out his phone and presses on said app) 

Cobra Commander app: I don't--I ju--Doh! 

(Serpentor pulls one of his snakes from his suit and throws it like a javelin at Duke) 

NC (vo): Serpentor does...that thing James Earl Jones did in Conan the Barbarian. 

NC: For a guy who likes snakes, he sure does abuse them a lot. 

NC (vo): But he gets launched into the device and knocked out. 

Cobra Commander: Retreat! Cobra, retreat! 

Roadblock (Kene Holiday): Cobra's through, what do we do? 

And then a clip from I don't know what movie) 

Man: Anybody want a peanut? 

NC (vo): They chase after Cobra, but they're attacked by henchmen from the Tick and are defeated. 

Cobra Commander: Bravo, bravo dear friends! 

(And we cut to Cobra getting bitchslapped by Nemesis Enforcer) 

NC (vo): (as Cobra Commander) Bee-yotch! (normal) Cobra Commander recognizes Pythona and panics. 

Cobra Commander: No! Noooo! 

NC (vo): (as Cobra Commander) I need to escape! (He runs to a tank) If only it would stop snowing--(suddenly the snow stops) Oh that works. (Normal) They bring him back, though and Pythona is now in command, demanding that Cobra get Serpentor back. But the Joes are concerned where their search team went. So they're ready to send their new recruits out into the field and-- 

Duke: The sooner they can graduate, the sooner they can fight. 

NC: Oh no, they're gonna pull a Transformers Movie on us, are they? They're gonna get rid of half the cast so they can introduce new characters. God help you if you destroy Sgt. Slaughter!