(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from movie G-Force. Note: Doug sounds extremely bored through the review)
Doug (vo): For a long time, people have wanted me to review G-Force for Nostalgia Critic. I didn't want to...because I didn't want to. I mean, look at it, does this look like a fun kind of bad? It just looks like a bad kind of bad. But it is Disney, so, um, yeah, I guess I'll give you a little something. Now, I mean, it's very little, but this movie's bad. But as we talked about many times on the show, there's different kinds of bad. It can be so bad it's good, so bad it's fascinating. And no, it's not any of those, it's the worst kind. It's so bad, it's boring. I just got done watching this movie and I am already struggling to remember any of it.
Story[]
Doug (vo): A special task force made up of guinea pigs and flies and moles is on a special mission to stop a bad guy from—you guessed it—taking over the world. (The M. Bison meme is shown) You know the drill. When their assignment fails, though, another agent, played by Will Arnett--looking a little like a guinea pig himself in this, am I crazy, or does he look weird?--shuts down the operation, even though he's amazed to discover that animals can talk. Like, he even has a big reaction, like, "Whoa, what the hell?" Like he's astonished by this, but then he's immediately like, "Eh, shut it down, there's nothing to value here." Animals can talk, that's like the biggest discovery of all mankind! If they already knew animals could talk, they're like, "Okay, we're going to go and use this technology on, like, the dolphins or something." Like, I don't know, you could do something funnier with that, but this movie is not interested in comedy. You can tell by its generic plot where they're suddenly sent to a pet store, and, oh no, they've never been in, like, the real world before, they're too used to being agents. So they have to figure out how to get along with other animals who aren't used to the super-agent life and people who think they're just pets.
Review[]
Doug (vo): And when I say this movie is not trying to be funny, I mean it. Like, there are jokes, but even for the young, young demographic this film is clearly trying to advertise to—like, say, 5-year-olds or so—I think even they'd be groaning at these jokes. The opening knee-slapper before it cuts to the title is somebody telling him that the mission's going to be dangerous and one of the guinea pigs being like, "I'm 8 inches tall, I always look on the upside." One of the agents, a house fly is told, "Oh, I'm so glad you're okay, I couldn't stand the idea of my fly being down." This is awful. The interesting thing is if it kept going with jokes this bad to some degree, at least it would be a fascinating kind of bad, like, wow, how can they come up with jokes this terrible? But they don't even do that many jokes, they just do, I guess, what a generic story like this would do, they just sort of work on missions and get used to being in a pet shop and then get used to being at a house, and they just say the most generic dialogue.
(Various footage is shown, mostly focusing on the cinematography)
Doug (vo): Like, these characters really don't have much personality, like, only the bare minimum so you can tell them apart. This is a Jerry Bruckheimer production, which, okay, I'm not going to act like his movies always have quality, but for the most part, he's done at least interesting stuff with Disney. I mean, it doesn't always work, but sometimes it does and becomes a big hit. This is just so cookie-cutter and so dull. Even the CG on these things doesn't look that impressive. I was honestly wondering why the whole thing wasn't just animated. Does anything work? Not much. Okay, Steve Buscemi does play this hamster who's very territorial and he's like a cranky neighbor, and he got some laughs, I guess. If I was a little kid, I'd like some of the shots they get to emphasize how small they are, like whenever the fly is buzzing around or whenever they have to go in these little tubes. I think I'd have a good time with that if I was a kid. There's an okay running joke involving a love triangle which they don't really take that seriously, and I'm happy about that. It's one thing I don't want to take seriously. They kind of have this one character act like, "Well, she might be interested in this person, but if he becomes interested in me, then I'm not interested in them," and they kind of keep going back and forth with this. And yes, it's just one joke dragged out, but some of the writing for it is okay. I will admit, I did not figure out who the mastermind was. Yeah, there's a little bit of a mystery, like, you know, the person in the chair pulling the strings and they're doing that thing where they have all these characters who look really mean, so you think, "Oh, that might be it," but you know it's not them. I'll be honest, I thought it was the lab technician that worked with Zach Galifianakis just because she had such a small nothing role, like it would justify her being in it a little bit. But even when it's revealed who it is, I feel like it was done just to make another bad joke, because when you figure out who it is, yeah, you already know the joke that's coming.
(Footage focusing on Dr. Ben Kendall is shown)
Doug (vo): Speaking of Zach Galifianakis, he is trying way too hard for this movie. Like, he is legit performing like he is in a real spy thriller. Like, there's no winking to the camera or anything, which, on the one hand, okay, you got to admire his dedication, but on the other hand, it just makes you hate the script even more. You have Zach Galifianakis in your movie, c'mon! Even if he does play it super, super seriously, that becomes funny if you give him some real dramatic moments, like, actually write the character really, really heavy emotional stuff. But they don't do that, they just give him other bad jokes or he just has generic lines of character like this would say.
(Footage focusing on Speckles is shown)
Doug (vo): All the actors in it, honestly, are about on the same wavelength. Like, nobody's terrible, I guess they're all just kind of doing a generic performance. And yeah, why wouldn't you? Because this is a very generic script, like, nothing about it stands out. Nicolas Cage plays the mole, and they sped up his voice so you can't even tell. And again, they don't do anything really funny with it, he's just another member of the team. And man, what a waste of Nicolas Cage with a sped-up voice! My God, if you gave me Nicolas Cage, I could do amazing things with it. If you gave me Nicolas Cage with a sped-up voice, I could make miracles.
Final thought[]
Doug (vo): But the only miracle I can get out of this film is the fact that it was greenlit. This is such a big nothing. I mean, if I did Nostalgia Critic on it, I don't know what material I would get. It's a waste of time, and not a fun waste of time. I don't think many kids would get into it; I know there aren't any adults who will get into it. If it's a movie that's on in the background, or a kid just puts it on for some extra noise, I'd still say skip it.
(A scene where the G-Force is being chased by a car is shown)