Full House Goes to Disney World!
Original Air Date
May 31, 2013
Channel Awesome Air Date
January 30, 2015
ABC Goes To Disney World!
Family Matters Goes To Disney World!
[We open on Mickey's Fun Wheel at Disney's California Adventure, Jerk is riding in one of the gondolas with a man played by Charlie Callahan/Spazz Master. Suddenly, the gondola comes to a stop.]
DCA Staff member (v/o from the PA system): Attention, ladies and gentlemen, Mickey's Fun Wheel has magically malfunctioned, unavoidably. We will resume normal operations just as soon as we feel like it.
Jerk: [Angry] Oh, come on! I have a fast pass for Test Track!
Man: That's not on this coast.
Jerk: Not that you know of. [Sighs] Well, looks like we're stuck talking to each other. You know, if this was some cheesy 90s ABC sitcom, we'd probably use this opportunity to remember old episodes to save money.
Man: Yeah, thank God it isn't so. Anyway, as I was saying-
Jerk: [Interrupts, he's very happy] Say, did I ever tell you about the time when "Full House" went to Disney World?
Man: Yes (?)
Jerk: I first released this review on May 31, 2013!
[We shaky dream dissolve to the original review. We open with the caption: "This episode is dedicated to all the men and women who were tragically killed or injured in the Disneyland dry ice bombing of May 28, 2013. All zero of them. Never forget."]
Announcer: Previously on "Last week..."
[Cut to Disney World where Michelle Tanner is with the characters of Winnie The Pooh, Tigger, and Goofy.]
Michelle Tanner: Last week on "Full House..." [After that, the scene is played backward, given a green tint, and messed around with in editing.]
Announcer: And now, you're all gonna die sooner.
Jerk (v/o): Yes, who better to kick off the lame trend of sending ABC sitcoms to Disney World than the inventors of lame itself: the Tanner family, in the 2-part finale of their 6th season.
Jerk: [Worried] This is gonna be painful, isn't it? Well, I survived being raped by It's A Small World twice, didn't I? How bad could this possibly be? [We then cut to a bit of the "Full House" opening, then back to Jerk who looks even more scared] Can I review Small World again?
Spazz Master: You blew it up!
Jerk: I'll rebuild it!
Spazz, The Wire, and Il Nege: [While attempting to restrain him] No!
Jerk: [Yells] Oh, come on, It's a prayer for peace! It's a prayer for peace!
Il Nege: Just calm down, Jerk!
Jerk (v/o): First off, each of these shows had to find some reason to send the family in question to Lake Buena Vista. In this case, it's because Mystique's ex-husband's band [Jessie Katsopolis and Jessie and the Rippers.] has been booked perform there on his anniversary.
- Jessie Katsopolis' actor, John Stamos, was married to Rebecca Romijn, who played Mystique in the first three "X-Men" films.
Jessie Katsopolis: I booked us in the honeymoon suite!
Rebecca Katsopolis: Both of us! Together?
[Cut to Jerk in one of the Disney World hotels]
Jerk: Nope, all Disney honeymoon suites are in separate rooms, just in case a monorail crashes through the wall due to gross incompetence. We wouldn't want the kids to know what you're doing now, would we, kids? [We see he's talking to stock footage of a bunch of kids sitting on the floor, listening] We wouldn't want to see the kinds of lurid, sexual deviancy I'm about to describe to you in graphic detail now, would we? You see, kids, when a mommy and a daddy and another mommy and a coconut love Kahlua very, very much... [He makes weird gestures with his hands.]
Jerk (v/o): And, of course, the whole family finds out about the gig and now they're all going to Disney World too!
Kimmy Gibler (D.J. Tanner's BFF): [To Danny Tanner] Thanks, Mr. T!
[Cut to a Clip from "The A-Team"]
BA Baracus: Shut up, Dale! [Throws a small object to the ground]
Michelle Tanner: I get the window seat on the plane!
Stephanie Tanner: No, you don't.
Michelle: Yes, I do. If I don't sit next to the window, I gag.
[Jerk gets ready to say a joke, but then covers his mouth to prevent himself from saying it.]
Stephanie: I thought nuts made you gag.
[Jerk is now struggling with himself to about this joke.]
Michelle: Two things can make you gag.
Jerk: [Finally gets his hand off his mouth] No! No. I don't care how much you tempt me, "Full House," I will not make a joke that off-color this early in the review! I'm sorry, but even I have my standards.
Danny Tanner: We'll discuss what makes you gag later.
Jerk: [Surprised] Thank God, he doesn't! [Throws his arms in the air in rejoice.]
[The song "Hallelujah" plays to a montage of clips of Bob Saget, Danny Tanner's actor. Throughout the montage, we get the caption: "This thinly disgusted, passive-aggressive filth has been brought to you by BOB SAGET!"]
Danny: We'll discuss what makes you gag later.
Bob Saget: [Stand up] I did date a girl who was too young for me, so I went to prison. Prison's awesome! [A video special] Flattens it right out, like a bookmark and then just starts smacking his kids with it. [An interview with Chris Hardwick] I stopped drinking, but I'm on meth. [Back to stand up] Don't think just because an ostrich sticks his head in the ground, he ain't looking. [Back to the video special] And he knocks one of his kids in the eye and the kids eye pops out. [and back to the stand up again.] And his head'll freak out. It's like you're teeing off at the end of the game. What? [Back to the video special] Mother had a big boil on her back, that popped. [Him walking down the street] That's why I don't open diaper in a trash can. [Back to the video special again] I think it's wrong and they shouldn't have done it, that's how I look at it.
[The montage ends with Bob Saget looking bad-ass and the caption: '"We'll discuss what makes you gag later"- Bob Saget']
Bob Saget (v/o): [Over the badass footage.] You're out of the trust fund on Bob Saget, bitch!
[Cut to the stock footage of kids from before]
Stephanie: Correction, Michelle, three things can make you gag. [Laugh track]
[The scene fades to a plane taking off to the show's classic soft jazz music.]
Jerk (v/o): So, they're off on Saxophone Airlines and before long, these rich pricks are staying at the Grand "freaking" Floridian, where... [Outside the hotel, the Tanners are greeted by Donald Duck and Goofy] Wait a minute!
[Cut to Jerk, outside the Grand Floridian]
Jerk: They're not even in a park yet! The characters don't just wait outside your hotel like stalkers, they...[Stops himself] Sorry. Look, I know TV has never reflected reality and it's all escapist fantasy anyway. So, I'm gonna try to not turn this episode into a borage of me going "That would never happen!" I will try. [But then he goes closer the camera] You see any fucking characters here? 'Cause I don't!
Michelle: [To Donald and Goofy] Maybe later we could have a tea party!
[Cut to news footage of Tea Party protests against Barack Obama.]
Protesters: USA! USA! USA!
[Then cut to the clip from "The A-Team"]
BA Baracas: Shut up, Dale!
Danny/Jerk (v/o): Well, that didn't work. How about a coke party? Donald, I hear you go nuts for that shit.
[After we hear one of Donald's classic duck squeaks, we cut to a clip from "Half Baked," with the caption "Five years later."]
Cocaine Addict (Played by Bob Saget): I used to sick "Duck" for coke! [This was edited from 'suck dick']
Other Addict: I seen him!
Jerk (v/o): From there, another cliche of Disney World episodes is born: everyone splits up and embarks on their own separate subplots.
[Cut to Jerk with The Wire, played by Morgan Funder]
The Wire: How is that a cliche? Isn't that more like how every single sitcom in the world works?
Jerk: [Points away] Look, cat videos!
Wire: [She looks in that direction, allowing Jerk to run away] Where? [After noticing they're not there] Hey! [But then notices...] Disney Cops! [She runs away to Innoventions. She laughs.] They'll never look for me here!
Jerk (v/o): I'm gonna discuss about these subplots, one by one, so I don't have to say 'meanwhile' six million times. Meanwhile, Bob Saget's [Danny's] subplot is that he keeps trying to propose to his girlfriend [Vicky Larson].
Jerk: And that's how he really met your mother! You know, those poor kids have been sitting on that couch for eight years. Someone should really... [Cut to the home of Ted Mosby, we see two skeletons are on his couch. Jerk screams at the sight of this.]
- Bob Saget is also known for voicing older Ted Mosby on "How I Met Your Mother," where he narrates the show to his (Ted Mosby's) kids.
Jerk (v/o): By the way, you'll notice this was shown back when the Germany pavilion still had an authentic concentration camp full of filthy, impure tourists! [Sighs] EPCOT never kept the good stuff open. [We see in part of the shot that some people are roped off. More than likely tourists that would've interrupted the scene.] Anyway, every time Saget tries to propose to his Fraulein, he gets waylaid by jack-assery!
Danny: [to DJ and Kimmy] I've been trying to ask her all day, but I keep getting interrupted. I'm gonna do it! I think I finally figured out a way that nobody can interrupt.
[Cut to Jerk next to a big cartoon looking bomb]
Danny/Jerk: It involves lining my vest with dynamite! If I ever see you girls again, I've always hated you!
Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, John Stamos [Jessie] just wants some quality anniversary time with his wife "Not Mystique" [Rebecca] and away from the rest of these freaks [The Tanners]. But, he keeps getting waylaid by jack-assery!
Jessie: [To Rebecca] I'm gonna do the rehearsal and I'll meet you guys in Fantasyland and, uh, we'll talk about a couple of fantasies I have of my own!
Jessie/Jerk (v/o): I'm gonna paint you blue and you're gonna morph into Hugh Jackman!
Rebecca/Jerk (v/o): I don't think...
Jessie/Jerk (v/o): JUST DO IT!
Jerk (v/o): And amongst that jack-assery is him doing a wacky radio show with the guy who dumped Alanis Morissette [Joey Gladstone, played by Dave Coulier], in the Living Seas tank (?)
Jerk: Jesus, I knew your show sucked, but I didn't think they'd water board you for it. I neither approve nor disapprove.
Jerk (v/o): But, then they're afraid to leave the tank because...
Jessie: That's a shark!
Joey Gladstone: That's a shark!
[Cut to Jerk in Bruce the Shark's mouth in Bruce's Sub House]
Jerk: Pfft, pussies!
Jerk (v/o): And, of course, Stamos misses his lunch date.
[Rebecca is at pier, ready to have a picnic. She is joined by Chip and Dale, who here are voiced by Jerk]
Rebecca: [To Chip and Dale] It's our anniversary, he won't disappoint me.
Chip: Yeah, we know.
Chip: I mean, when has an anniversary ever been missed on a sitcom?
Chip: Can't be done!
Dale: Never happens!
Chip: We'll probably build a colony on the moon before that ever occurs!
Rebecca: You guys like chicken salad?
Dale: [Clapping] Oh, boy, stranger yum-yums!
Chip: [As Rebecca hands them the picnic basket] It's not from Chika-Fil-A, is it? We're boycotting them for personal...
Dale: [Hits Dale on the head] Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Chip: Uh, solidarity!
Dale: Yeah, solidarity!
Chip: And, uh, we don't like chicken either way, so, uh, yeah.
Jerk (v/o): And when the shark finally excretes them...
[Jessie arrives at the pier, but Rebecca is not there, just Chip and Dale with the picnic out.]
Jessie: You guys seen my wife? I was supposed to meet her here.
Dale: Yeah, I think we slept with her in there if memory serves. [Points towards the Grand Floridian]
Chip: Yeah, it was definitely in there. [Also points to the Grand Floridian]
Jessie: The hotel?
Dale: Yep, that's where we did your wife, alright!
Chip: We also did your mom and that blonde super model you divorced.
Jessie: Is that my picnic basket?
Dale: You know, the one who played Mystique.
Chip: Such a charming woman.
Dale: Why the hell did you divorce her? That makes no sense.
[Jessie grabs the picnic basket back.]
Chip: It must've been you.
Jessie: Rodents. [Heads back to the hotel.]
Chip: [He and Dale are upset] What! You son of a bi- that is our word!
Dale: Oh, for the love of...!
Chip: This rodent's gonna fuck you up!
Dale: Chip, would you let it go?
Chip: [To Jessie] Yeah, you better walk away, you formerly mulleted piece of shit!
Dale: [Covering his eyes] This is why the Rescue Rangers broke up!
Jerk: But, she's [Rebecca] so mad at him for being late, that there's only one way he can apologize.
[Rebecca is about to enter her hotel room, when she hears Jessie playing the piano in the lobby.]
For the times we've had odds,
Here's a kiss from my heart.
[Caption comes up saying: "Fun Fact: This man was talking to chipmunks less than a minute ago." We Cut to Jerk at the Grand Floridian on the second flood balcony looking over the lobby.]
Jerk: [Yells at Jessie] YOU SUCK! HEY, AREN'T YOU ON "GLEE" NOW? WHERE'S YOUR RIP-OFF OF THIS SONG?
- Actually, that was an original song written for the show.
Jerk (v/o): And as for the guy who dumped Alanis Morissette [Joey], he doesn't really get his own subplot. But he does have this weird standalone scene at the [cut to Joey at the Disney World Animation Studio, there are several animators drawing] ...oh, goddamn it! Why?!?!
Jerk: Why torment us poor saps of the future with visions of the hand-drawn awesomeness that used to be?!?! You don't see me tormenting you [Joey/Dave Coulier] with Alanis Morissette videos, [Smiles] except now! [A clip from Alanis Morissette's music video for "You Oughta Know" plays] That song's about you! Isn't that ironic, don't you think?
Jerk (v/o): Anyway, he gets a personal tour of the actual animation studio Disney World used to have, from actual real-life animator, Mark Hen; one of the top animators of the Disney Renaissance, recipient of Winsor McCay Lifetime Achievement award and now...
Mark Hen: [To Joey] Coffee?
Joey: Coffee is fine.
Jerk (v/o): Uncle Joey's coffee monkey!
Jerk: They don't even give him an "As Himself" credit, they just credit him as "Animator." Talk about over qualified. That'd be like Robert De Niro teaching Elmo how acting works!
[Cut to a clip from "Sesame Street"]
Robert De Niro: I can imagine I'm a New York City taxi driver,...
Robert De Niro: ...an out of shape boxer,...
Robert De Niro: ...or a cabbage.
Jerk: [Surprised] OK (?) That would be like Orson Welles acting in a "Transformers" movie!
[Cut to a clip from 1986's "Transformers: The Movie"]
Unicron: I AM UNICRON!
[The clip is followed the opening credits, which that Unicron is voiced by Orson Welles.]
Jerk: [Still looking shocked] That would be like Olivia Wilde asking me to be her friend with benefits. [Jerk rings to the ringtone of "You Oughta Know." Jerk answers] Olivia, I already said no. [Pause for her answer] Because you're engaged, for God's sake, you've gotta stop calling me!
Jerk (v/o): Anyway, while Mark Hen makes himself useful, Uncle Joey starts derping around with dead trees! [He starts drawing at one of the desks a cartoon version of himself.]
Cartoon (v/o): Not bad.
[Joey, hearing that, looks around the studio]
Joey/Jerk: Nobody's ever said that to me before.
Joey: Who said that?
[The cartoon Joey drew is now moving through out the page and speaking]
Cartoon: Down here, big guy!
Joey/Jerk: I've finally cracked, awesome!
Cartoon: Watch this!
[The cartoon puts his thumb in his mouth, tries to exhale out, only to have his head blow up into a basket ball, which the torso dribbles and throws into his torso that becomes basket. the two halves then become a baseball and bat, which hits the ball that flies past Joey. Cut to Jerk, drawing, clearly insane.]
Joey/Jerk: That's right, magical me drawing, you're my friend! Everyone loves you! Alanis Morissette would never write a song about YOU! And you'll never leave me either, unlike that WHORE, WOODCHUCK PUPPET! NOW GO FORTH, UNHOLY PENCIL SPAWN, AND DROWN ALL MY ENEMIES IN THEIR OWN RANCID BLOOD! [Evil Laugh]
[The scene shows the cartoon turning into various sports equipment, ending with a spinning football that goes back on his neck, turns back into a neck, still spinning, the scene turns red. The scene turns back to normal as Mark Hen returns with Coffee.]
Mark Hen/Jerk: I see you've found the Peyote. Save at least a little for [Jeffery] Katzenberg, will ya?
[Cut to the home of reviewer Stephan Krosecz aka Stephan and a cartoon smiley face, Nootrac of the review series "Animated Analysis." Stephan is reading a book with a fake cover that reads "'How to pretend to read a book by yourself"]
Nootrac: A grown man who talks to cartoons, what a freak!
Stephan: [Puts down book and yells] SHUT UP!
Jerk (v/o): But I wonder, what are the girls up to?
[DJ, Kimmy, Stephanie, and Michelle approach Main Street and see the Disney Castle]
All four: Wow!
Michelle: Way cool!
Stephanie: This is great!
[Cut to Jerk on Main Street, he looks at the castle then back to the camera.]
Jerk: [To the girls] What? I mean, sure, the castle’s bigger, but otherwise, it’s just Main Street. Just like at Disneyland? You have been to Disneyland, right?
Jerk (v/o): You people live in California, with a household with children! You can’t be hurting for money if you’re staying at the Grand “freaking” Floridian and Main Street is new to you!
Jerk: That’s it, I’m calling child services! [Takes out his phone and calls them] Hey, child services, me again! [Pauses for their answer] Yeah, I got another “No Disneyland” case, fictional this time. [Pauses for their answer] Yes, I’ll hold! [The “on hold” song is Nirvana’s “Rape Me.”]
Jerk (v/o): Actually, fun fact: The Tanners were gonna go to Disneyland back in Season 1, but their flight got canceled for five years.
Joey: Hey, you know they can’t fly the plane when it’s foggy.
[Cut to Jerk in from of Radiator Springs in DCA.]
Jerk: And as we all know, science will never invent the automobile! The only way to travel anywhere is flying metal tube or die and gain spiritual omnipresence! (pulls out a water bottle) Strychnine? (Cut to an explosion) WHO PUT DRY ICE IN MY STRYCHNINE?!
- From what I’ve found, It’s actually cheaper to take a plane from San Fransisco to Disneyland than it is to drive there. Although If they can afford to pay the entrance fee of either coasts parks and the Grand Floridian, then they can afford to drive there, even if it is 6 hours longer than flying.
Jerk (v/o): Anyway, an “Aladdin” promotion is going on, on Main Street for some reason, instead of Adventure Land, where it belongs. And this brings us to another cliché of these episodes: “Shameless promotion of Disney World’s new stuff that year!”
[Cut to an “Aladdin” parade in Disney World, the scene has the song “Prince Ali,” from the film play. One of the floats with animatronic camels spits water at Danny]
Jerk: Don’t blame the camel, Bob, blame Iago.
[Cut to a clip from “Return of Jafar,” Iago is yelling at a camel, but the audio is dubbed over from the stand up comedy of Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of Iago.]
Iago/Gilbert Gottfried (v/o): BOB SAGET RAPED AND KILLED A GIRL IN 1990!
Jerk (v/o): But I wonder, when they shot the episode, what was the resort's newest E-ticket?
[Cut to various clips of the two-parter where they say:]
Stephanie: Splash Mountain!
DJ: Splash Mountain!
Stephanie: [To D.J., Kimmy, and Michelle] You guys, Splash Mountain is this way!
[Cut to Jerk at the same place they were at.]
Jerk: [Confused] No, it isn’t, it’s back there! [Points in the opposite direction] You go through Liberty Square, you reach Frontier Land, and there you…you just came from that direction! I don’t actually have to do your stupid cross-promotion for you, do I?!?!
[Cut to the ABC commercial break, an anthropomorphic fire hydrant is next to a dog.]
Fire Hydrant: [Sings]
After these messages [Shoots water at the dog, moving him away]
We’ll be right back!
[Cut to the commercial break and then back to the review.]
Jerk (v/o): In D.J.’s subplot, she hallucinates the face of her boyfriend, everywhere she looks.
[At the “Aladdin” promotion, she sees that the Aladdin character looks like her boyfriend, Steve Hale, dressed as Aladdin.]
D.J. Tanner: [Points to him] Steve?
Jerk: [To D.J.] You’re boyfriend can’t be Aladdin, your boyfriend’s white and Disney is culturally sensitive! [Nods] Roll the damn footage.
[Cut to a clip from Aladdin]
Aladdin: Someday, Abu, we’ll be rich, live in a palace and never have any problems at all!
[Cut to a clip from a different episode of “Full House.”]
Steve Hale: Except, maybe, a concerned parent.
[Abu makes a confused screech.]
Jerk: Now, here is precisely what fascinates me about “Full House.” On any other show in the history of TV, dressing the voice of Aladdin up as Aladdin might count as…maybe, not a good fourth wall joke, but at least technically a joke of some sort.
- Scott Weinger who plays Steve is also the voice of Aladdin.
Jerk (v/o): But nope, “Full House” also dresses him up as these other characters [Prince Charming from 1950’s “Cinderella” and Indiana Jones], so the “Aladdin” reference isn’t special and they don’t even obnoxiously address the monkey turned elephant in the room.
Kimmy/Jerk (v/o): Come on, Deej, Steve as Aladdin? That’s insaney talk! Wah, wah! [A caption is shown beneath, saying: “It literally would have been this easy.”]
Announcer: "Full House: We're too Lazy for Lazy."
Jerk (v/o): Then much later, after hallucinating her boyfriend all those times, he actually shows up to book a room at the Grand Floridian!
[As the scene between DJ and Steve plays, the song "Happy End in Agrabah" from "Aladdin" plays.]
Steve: Just had to see you.
DJ: I love you!
Steve: I love you, too.
[The two kiss]
Steve/Jerk (v/o): I blew my entire college fund on this trip. But, at least now we can get sick of each other sooner!
Jerk (v/o): But, I'm getting ahead of myself again. The "Aladdin" promotion baguettes the episode's "A" story.
[There's a big lamp like from the movie and something big covered by a sheet, which we later see is a big statue of the Genie. Next to it are Aladdin and Jasmine and someone looking like a regular person of Agrabah.]
Agrabah Guy: [Faux middle eastern accent] The lucky boy or girl who makes the genie appear [Gestures toward the big thing covered by the sheet] will be crowned prince or princess for the day and be granted three wishes!
Agrabah Guy/Jerk (v/o): The rest of you worthless, street rats who waited in line get magical diddly-squat!
Agrabah Guy: [After a random girl rubs the lamp] No genie, too bad.
Girl/Jerk (v/o): But, I waited an hour!
Her Father/Jerk (v/o): Shut up! We're going to Tomorrowland to ride Splash Mountain!
Jerk (v/o): And the winner, wouldn't you know it, is, God, I wish Bob Saget was here to see this, ONE OF THE OLSEN TWINS [Michelle]!
Agrabah Guy: Princess Michelle, what is the first of your three wishes?
Michelle: [Now with a tiara on her head] I wish for peace on Earth!
(In front of Spaceship Earth)
Jerk: You got it, Spaceship Earth it is! [points behind him] Line's over there!
Jerk (v/o): Not your best Idea for a promotion, you guys [Disney]. You pick some child at random and then ask them what prizes they want? What if they say...
Michelle/Jerk: I wish for a trillion dollars! I wish for controlling interest in Disney! I wish for Michael Eisner to eat his cat for dinner!
"Michael Eisner:" [With a German accent, sad] Forgive me, Jeffrey Kitty-Cat-zenberg, [Takes a bite] you're the only food I have now. [Raises his fist in anger and yells] DAMN YOU, OLSEN TWINS!
Jerk (v/o): [In a serious, scary voice] And thus, began the terrifying, bloodthirsty reign of "Ol-sen: The Insipid" on the kingdom of magic! Her first wish was for privileges of line cutting, which she used to torture her sisters [And Kimmy] by making them ride the goddamn carousel 10 times in a row, instead of...you know, real rides!
[Cut to Jerk in the lobby of The Hall of Presidents.]
Jerk: I haven't seen such an abuse of power since President... [He gets dubbed over] "Insert political validation here."
Stephanie: [To DJ] Why are we letting this little half-pint tell us what to do?
Michelle: Maybe you didn't notice this crown on my head!
Jerk: [Shrugs] I've heard worse excuses for an armed insurrection. [He turns around where he is now wearing sunglasses, holding an BB gun rifle, and a badass sounding accent.] Sic Semper Tyrannis, bitch! (Badass music plays.)
DJ: [To Kimmy and Stephanie.] Conference. [They step aside from Michelle to have a secret conversation. Michelle still tries to listen in.]
DJ/Jerk (v/o): Let's leave our six-year-old sister completely unattended, in public and discuss how we're gonna kill her. I say we take her out in Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln for maximum irony!
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): They don't have that here.
DJ/Jerk (v/o): You're kidding!
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): No, they only have the Hall of Presidents here. Bitch'll probably make us ride that 20 times.
Kimmy/Jerk (v/o): We've discussed this before. No matter how many Olsen twins you kill, they'll just keep regenerating! You have to find the head Olsen twin and impale her with a broad sword!
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): Oh, all I brought was two scimitars and a dagger! [At this point, Michelle ways away from them and they don't notice] I got them through security because 9/11 hasn't happened yet.
DJ/Jerk (v/o): What's 9/11?
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): I don't know.
[Cut to black with the badass music, and the caption "Two hours later." then cut back to them still talking, Kimmy is dubbed over by Reg played by John Cleese from "Life of Brian."]
Kimmy/Reg (v/o): Right now, Item four: Attainment of world supremacy in...
Michelle/Jerk (v/o): [Walking away, singing] La la la! I like candy and I trust everyone! La la la!
DJ: [Turns around to where Michelle was] Michelle... [Sees she's not there] Where'd she go?
Jerk: Well, at least it'll be fairly easy to turn all those "Princess for a day" posters [Which show Michelle wearing her tiara] into memorials.
[Cut to Danny at Living Seas restaurant on a phone]
Danny: What?!?! [To Vicky] Michelle's lost!
Jerk (v/o): Who cares? You've got a backup! [Picture of both Olsen twins are shown]
[Cut to DJ, Stephanie, and Kimmy running throughout the park, calling for Michelle.]
All three: Michelle!
Stephanie: Where are you?!?
All three: Michelle!
Jerk (v/o): And I'm not kidding. This is where they show the break between episodes.
[Cut to a shot of them still running through crowds, caption on the screen reads: "To be continued..."]
Stephanie: Michelle, where are you?!?
Jerk: Wow, that's actually really heavy. I mean, losing a child at Disney World, that's every parent's worst nightmare. This could actually turn into a really compelling and interesting part 2... they find her in the first five minutes. Just like with real runaways!
[Cut to a montage of kids to "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. Each picture is followed by a caption: 1st Kid "Michael Scott Ederer (Mikey Insanity): Found in five minutes," 2nd kid "Stephan Tyler Krosecz (Same person person with the cartoon), found in found in four minutes," and 3rd kid "Zachery Michael Hurst (R.L. King): Turned out he was just in the kitchen." Cut back to the episode.]
Danny: [To Michelle] You know you're not supposed to wander off by yourself.
Michelle: But, Daddy, I'm the princess and nobody would do what I told them!
Danny/Jerk (v/o): Hey, if you're the princess, doesn't that make me king?
Michelle/Jerk (v/o): Ummmm...
Danny/Jerk (v/o): Shut up, I'm the king of you people and I used to behead my whole family for coke!
Vicky Larson/Other Addict from "Half Baked" clip (v/o): I seen him!
Jerk (v/o): Finally, Stephanie gets so fed up of Michelle's crap, she bitterly storms back to the hotel to wait for the show to get canceled, so she can finally enjoy meth!
[Stephanie is sitting on a patio swing on the beach in front of the Grand Floridian, Joey comes up to talk to her.]
Stephanie: Why'd she [Michelle] have to cut in front of me in line? I should've been the princess!
Joey: I know you feel a little cheated about what happened today. But, you also cheated yourself out of a heck of a lot of fun.
Jerk: Yeah, they say you have to ride the carousel 11 times before it gets really exciting.
Joey: When Michelle was missing today, how'd that make you feel?
Stephanie: I was scared!
Joey: You know why you felt like that?
Stephanie: I don't know, I guess I love her.
Jerk: Aww, that has literally nothing to do with anything!
Jerk (v/o): She never said 'she didn't love her sister,' she just said 'it was unfair that Michelle got rewarded for cheating her way to special treatment,' and it was 'cause she did! Steph has every right to be pissed and you [Joey] just trivialized her legitimate argument, you dick!
Jerk: Do you also trivialize social issues, too?
[Cut to the same scene with Joey and Steph, but all dubbed by Jerk.]
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): It's not fair that we don't have marriage equality!
Joey/Jerk (v/o): Well, if you let a man marry another man, what's to stop three hermaphrodites from marrying a fish or a triceratops from marrying an aborted fetus or a woman from not marrying at all. Sooner or later, Steph, you might just wish you did kill your sister. [Nods]
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): What?
Joey/Jerk (v/o): I talked to a cartoon today!
Stephanie/Jerk (v/o): Great, now bug him!
Jerk (v/o): So, Michelle finally stops being a selfish twat this week and abdicates the throne to Stephanie.
[Michelle goes to Stephanie with Snow White.]
Michelle/Jerk (v/o): I'm defecting to Sea World, while the revolution attacks you!
Snow White: [To Stephanie] Because Michelle was such an unselfish princess, your whole family can ride in the parade!
Jerk: So, Disney's in the business of rewarding random acts of nepotism now? If I give my Disneyland annual pass to my twin brother, Kramdlog, do I get 100 free ones? Seriously, does it?!? No? [Turns around and yells with his fist raised in anger] KRAMDLOG!!!
[Cut to Kramdlog (Jerk in a hoodie) in front of It's a Small World, with heavy metal music]
Kramdlog: It's rebuilt and it's better than ever! [He maniacally laughs, then realizes] Oh, two cardiac arrests! [Falls down, gets back up, then falls down again, and then an explosion] Stupid dry ice!
Jerk (v/o): So, the whole family gets to ride in the big, dumb parade and night falls and Jessie and the Rippers take the castle stage.
[The Band plays a cover of Chan Romero's "Hippy Hippy Shake"]
Jerk: It's like watching Pat Boone and Michael Bolton playing hockey in a vat of whipped cream and rice! It's so white, it's BLINDING ME!
[The scene starts to fade to white, cut back to the episode, Danny just proposed to Vicky Larson.]
Vicky Larson: Oh, Danny! [Danny, waiting for a proper answer.] Yes.
Danny: You said yes? [She nods] "Yes," you just said? You said... [They hug. To his daughters] Girls, she just said yes! She just said yes!
One of the girls/Jerk (v/o): She will be part of our Aristocrats act!
[Cut to part of the concert where Joey and Snow White are D.J.-ing for the radio station he and Jessie work at back in San Francisco.]
Joey: Yes, San Fransisco, live from Disney World...
Jerk (v/o): Are you even listening to yourself? Why are you broadcasting across the goddamn country? Why is Snow White a D.J.? Why is there a booth promoting a radio station he can't even get there? Why are there characters in the crowd? [There's also fireworks Danny had set up for the proposal that read: "Vicky, will you marry me?"] How the fuck are those fireworks do-legible? How the shit are you [Stephanie or Michelle] even eligible for a contest if your uncle has been hired to perform there? WHY IN THE NAME OF JEHOVAH HAS ANY OF THIS EVER...?!
[Cut to a clip from the film "Dogma."]
Metatron (played by Alan Rickman): I believe all the answers you seek lie within my companion's eye.
[He gestures to God, played by Alanis Moriseette. Jerk looks scared. God opens her mouth, which produces the song "You Oughta Know." This causes Joey and Snow White's (who are dancing together) heads to explode.]
Jerk (v/o): [Yells] OK, OK, I GET IT! Luckily, my hair's so long, I couldn't hear that.
Jerk: It's TV, it's escapism, it never expected me to buy it. Anyway, that was "Full House." Doop-a-dee-ba-ba-dow, it sucked! I've lost all faith in humanity. But, things can only improve from here, right? [A picture of Steve Urkel is shown. Jerk screams.] AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!
Wire: [Still at Innoventions] You can't.
Jerk: [Scared] Why not?
Wire: Hate crime.
Jerk: DAMN IT!
[Cut back to the end of part 1 of the "Full House" Disney World 2 parter, with the "To be continued..." caption]
Stephanie: Michelle, where are you?!?
[Cut to the end credits. Midway through, we cut back to Jerk when he was on the phone with Olivia Wilde.]
Jerk: No, Olivia Wilde, I don't think having my baby would solve everything. But, thanks anyway! Yeah. Yeah, that's a...well, maybe if we're...if you could...well, I don't...HOW IS "TRON: LEGACY" MY FAULT?
[Cut back to the end credits. Afterward, we cut back to the earlier Sesame Street clip with Elmo and Robert De Niro, now a Muppet cabbage]
Robert De Niro Cabbage: Look at me, I'm a cabbage, a good source of riboflavin.