Frozen II (NC)

Frozen II
Release Date	April 22, 2020
Running Time	33:16
Previous Review	Dolittle
Next Review	Independence Day: Resurgence
Link	http://channelawesome.com/frozen-2-nostalgia-critic/

(The 2020 opening is shown, before cutting to NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (The Rotten Tomatoes audience rating for Frozen II, which is shown to be 92%, is shown next to NC as he curiously looks at it) What am I missing, guys? (Another image is shown next to NC, showing the news report that reveals Frozen II is the highest-grossing animated film ever) What am I missing, guys?

(We are shown a scene of Olaf acting out the first movie's story in front of a large crowd, specifically the moment Elsa is setting up her ice castle)

Olaf: (imitating Elsa) Ice palace for one! Ice palace for one! (suddenly mimics getting mad) Get out, Anna!

(He mimics Elsa shooting ice from her hands. NC is even more curious and confused)

NC: What am I missing, guys?!

(The title for Frozen II is shown, before showing clips)

NC (vo): I make it no secret I really enjoyed Disney's very loose (A caption pops up, saying "Loose = No Connection") telling of The Snow Queen with Frozen in 2013. But the film became such a hit that people quickly turned against it, claiming it was overplayed, over-hyped, over-exploited, even acquiring this reaction when "Let It Go" starts playing.

(A scene from a film is shown briefly, showing a man screaming and smashing his head on a piece of wood. Back to Frozen II)

NC (vo): So how did so many people rooting against it end up liking it, and how did people like me who really liked the first one...

(Another scene is shown, showing Olaf mimicking Elsa's vocal call to the Voice in a loud, over-the-top manner. NC is once again confused)

NC: What am I missing, guys?!?

NC (vo): I guess, to my credit, I'm not exactly alone. Mere seven years after the original, several critics found the movie (The Rotten Tomatoes critics' score is superimposed, revealed to be 77% (the audience score is 92%)) less than a worthy follow-up.

(We then cut to an image of a comedian dressed as Elsa is shown with the caption, "I think the plot to this movie might be REALLY bad")

NC (vo): Even some comedians enjoy taking a shot at it.

(More footage is shown)

NC (vo): But I've heard so many fans say they not only liked this film, but they like it even more than the first. I usually understand when something I don't like is a big hit, like the Transformer and Twilight movies, I can't stand, but I get why they gather an audience. But this one, I'll admit, I'm a little in the dark about. I mean, yeah, the kids are obviously gonna like it 'cause it's a sequel to one of the things they've watched a million times, but adults getting into it even more than the first one? To quote another Disney CG character...

(A clip from Toy Story is shown)

Hamm: I don't get it.

NC (vo): So this review is less me pointing out why I think it doesn't work.

(The caption "BULLSHIT!" appears below NC with the sound of a buzzer)

NC: Oh, you know me too well! But I also want to understand why people like it.

NC (vo): The same way I ask you to understand my point of view, I think it's important to understand other people's point of view, too. So I'm gonna try to get an idea why this film won so many people over. Let's try to understand...

(Another scene is shown, showing a kid grabbing Olaf's carrot nose and sticking it into her nose)

NC: Let's...just...try to understand. This is Frozen II.

(The film opens in the past, showing a younger Anna and Elsa playing together with snow toys made by Elsa (and one toy is shown to be a model of Baymax from Big Hero 6), and then being told a story by their father, King Agnarr)

NC (vo): We open once again with Anna and Elsa as children playing with snowy in-jokes, as their father, played this time by Alfred Molina, tells them about a real enchanted forest he came across in his youth.

King Agnarr: It was protected by the most powerful spirits of all.

NC: (as Agnarr) The spirits of front-loaded cramming.

NC (vo): Seriously, this film squeezes a lot into two minutes, which I would see as a major problem, but seeing how that's double the time...

(Cut to the opening scene of...)

NC (vo): ...Dolittle gave, I guess I can be a bit more lenient.

(We cut back to Frozen II as the front-loaded cramming is shown)

NC (vo): To sum up, there was a truce between the people of the Enchanted Forest, utilized the forest's gifts of earth, fire, wind and water, (A quick shot of Ma-Ti shouting "Heart!" is superimposed) and the Kingdom of Arendelle. Suddenly, the people of the forest randomly attack.

NC: (sarcastically) I'm positive that's how the story's gonna stay.

NC (vo): The King is killed, now making Anna and Elsa's father the ruler, and a mist covers the land, not letting anyone in or out.

Young Anna (Hadley Gannaway): Whoa, Papa! That was epic!

NC: (as Anna) I liked the part where Grandpa died! That was cool! (nods)

NC (vo): I mean it, too, when I say I'm summing up. Despite it being two minutes, here's an idea of how much they cram into that short timespan.

(While the words "HERE'S EVERYTHING I DIDN'T GET TO" are displayed at the bottom of the screen, the montage is shown)

King Agnarr: (narrating) King Runeard built them a mighty dam... / The fighting enraged the spirits... / And someone saved me. / I wish I knew who it was. / The spirits then vanished. / But the forest could wake again.

NC: Now, in fairness, the first film was pretty front-loaded, too...

(Footage of the first film's opening is shown)

NC (vo): ...including, let's be honest, a lot of stuff that didn't make sense, but a lot of people went with because, well, fairy tale rules. Logic's kept low so you can focus on the simplicity yet relatability of the characters and problems. It's something you can easily fit in a storybook.

(We then cut back to footage of the opening montage in the second movie)

NC (vo): I don't envy the people that tried to sum this movie up in a storybook. It's like a season of Avatar squished into a movie. (A shot of the poster for The Last Airbender is superimposed) You know the punchline, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The exposition is still going!

Queen Iduna (Evan Rachel Wood): (to Anna and Elsa) My mother would sing a song about a special river called Ahtohallan, that was said to hold all the answers about the past.

NC: (as Anna) Are we gonna be tested on this? 'Cause you're talking like we're gonna be tested on this.

Iduna: (singing) Where the north winds...

NC (vo): The mother sings a really pretty song about the river, and honestly, I felt like the movie was gonna get back on track here. You know, with the songs driving the story, atmosphere, and characters' emotions.

(The film then moves forward to the present day, set three years after the first movie, where Elsa, still the Queen of Arendelle, celebrates the coming of autumn with Anna, and their friends Kristoff, the ice harvester, his reindeer Sven, and Olaf the snowman)

NC (vo): Cut to years later, though, as Queen Elsa, voiced again by Adele Dazeem (An image of a winking John Travolta is superimposed briefly), seems to have her kingdom and her powers under control. Even Olaf is given permafrost so he doesn't melt away. Trust me, you'll regret that's in.

Anna (Kristen Bell): (lying with Olaf on a picnic blanket) I'm not alone anymore. (sings) Yes, the wind blows a little bit colder...

NC: (startled) Oh! Okay. (becomes nervous) Didn't we just...

(The scene of Iduna's song is shown again)

NC (vo): ...have a song?

(We cut back to Anna's song ("Some Things Never Change"))

NC (vo): How much time has passed since the last one? (The words "ONE MINUTE" pop up in yellow) A minute.

NC: Okay, okay, well, if it's an essential song, I understand. Uh, what's it about?

(The entire "Some Things Never Change" song sequence is shown)

NC (vo): How everything's fine. Like...really fine. Like, this is a song you would hear in one of those Frozen shorts. (A shot of the poster for Frozen Fever is superimposed) Not a seven-year-in-development movie. It's light, doesn't explore much, not funny or inventive, and I'd probably be more forgiving of it if we didn't just hear another song!

NC: But again, rocky start. I mean, we're not even a third in, and the film's not awful, it's just a little underwhelming.

(That night, Anna, Elsa, Olaf, Kristoff and Sven all play a game of charades, but Elsa is not as focused on the game due to her hearing a mysterious voice calling out to her)

NC (vo): Let's see what new developments we have with the characters. Well, Elsa hears a voice calling to her, and while she's comfortable with her kingdom and her abilities, she can't help but feel an unease like there's something more, something after happily ever after.

NC: (shrugs) Complex; I like it. What's Anna up to?

NC (vo): Well, she wants to support Elsa...

NC: ...aaaand we're good.

(We are shown several clips of Anna and Elsa in the earlier Frozen. including the moments of Elsa struggling to keep her powers hidden from Anna and Hans betraying Anna)

NC (vo): Yeah, it's interesting how different they were in the first one, which actually helped teach very different lessons: how to not wear your heart on your sleeve, but how to also not be too closed off.

(Cut back to the current movie)

NC (vo): Here, she [Anna] just kind of follows Elsa and is constantly in her shadow.

(A montage of clips is shown of Anna)

Anna: (to Elsa) You are not going alone. / (to Elsa) Promise me we do this together.

(The next part of the montage shows Anna and Kristoff's dialogue overlapping one another)

Kristoff: Simple... No-Not in any recent time will we die...

Anna: Where's Elsa? I swore that I wouldn't leave her side!

(One more clip shows Anna pleading with Elsa)

Anna: Let me help you, please!

(Clips focusing on Anna's role in the entire movie is shown)

NC (vo): In fact, the happy ending is, she takes over exactly where Elsa left off. Had the movie focused on her maybe being too carefree and not wanting to change, maybe this would have been a good arc, but A) if that's really what that song is supposed to be, that was a really weak way of doing it, and B) she seems very accepting of everything that comes her way. If she didn't want to go on the journey or not get involved where they feel they don't belong, maybe that could have created some conflict. But wherever Elsa goes, she goes, so it doesn't feel like there's a ton of growth.

NC: (gasps, then smiles, wide-eyed) Ooh, but she does freak out at Kristoff a lot!

Kristoff: (to Anna) In case we die...

Anna: (alarmed, grabbing Kristoff by his shirt) You think we're gonna die?!

Kristoff: (flustered) No! No, no, no!

(Footage of the first movie is shown again, this time focusing on Kristoff)

NC (vo): Yeah, let's talk about him. In the first film, he's not super-complex, but he does his role fine. He wants to help to get his business back, he talks to his reindeer because he doesn't have many human friends. He's not always the brightest, but he's practical and competent enough to help out on any journey.

(Now cut to Kristoff in the second film)

NC (vo): In this film, he wants to propose to Anna...

NC: ...aaaaaand we're good.

(Cut to footage of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 4)

NC (vo): The same way a great character like Buzz Lightyear was reduced down to one bad running joke in Toy Story 4...

(Cut back again to Kristoff)

NC (vo): ...Kristoff is insultingly forced into this story the same way. He wants to propose, it backfires, and he tries again. He wants to propose, it backfires, he tries again.

(In the movie, Anna is thinking about Elsa while Kristoff holds up a ring to her while kneeling behind her, but she doesn't see him)

Anna: That last word really seemed to throw her...

(Cut to another scene, as Anna and Kristoff embrace and he discreetly takes out a ring)

Kristoff: Under different circumstances...

Anna: (pulling away) You mean like with someone else?

Kristoff: What?

(Now cut to them in the sleigh as he again pulls out the ring from his person)

Kristoff: I said you'd have to be crazy to want to marry a man you just met.

Anna: Wait, what? Crazy?

(The footage slows way down as the camera zooms in on her)

Anna: (very slowly and deeply) You think I'm crazy?

NC: And the funny thing is, Disney has actually done this cliche before, and surprisingly well.

(Footage of The Rescuers Down Under is shown, focusing on the plot point of Bernard's struggles to propose to Miss Bianca)

NC (vo): In The Rescuers Down Under, a criminally underrated movie, Bernard does the exact same thing: he tries to propose, it backfires, he tries again. But he's also shy, an over-thinker, has low self-esteem, is afraid of everything, but bravely does what needs to be done. There's more to him outside of this one joke, so we're rooting for him and sigh every time it doesn't go well.

(We go back to Frozen II again, with the footage once again focusing on Kristoff)

NC (vo): Kristoff has no other traits outside of this joke that's over... (The poster for The Rescuers Down Under is shown) When did The Rescuers Down Under come out? (The caption "1990" is shown) ...29 years old! It's almost like Frozen was a self-contained movie, and they had no idea what to do with these characters after they served their purpose!

NC: It doesn't even make me want to see them together.

NC (vo): With Anna exploding at him all the time, it honestly shows how not compatible they are.

NC: Truth be told, Anna and Elsa...

NC (vo): ...actually have more chemistry.

(That night, after playing their game of charades, Anna and Elsa speak with each other in their bedroom)

Anna: When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?

NC (vo): You know...

NC: (shifts his eyes around awkwardly) ...sisterly chemistry.

Elsa: What would I do without you?

Anna: You'll always have me.

NC: (still having an awkward expression) Totally...just...sisterly chemistry.

(Anna and Elsa slowly get into bed and snuggle close to each other. As this moment plays, NC becomes slightly freaked out and a haunting choir is heard in the background)

Anna: Cuddle close. Scooch in. (sings) There's a river...

Both: (singing) Full of memory.

Elsa: I know what you're doing. (Anna chuckles)

(NC, still looking freaked out, takes out his cell phone and starts dialing a number before waiting for the phone to answer)

Deep voice: This is Disney.

NC: DeviantArt doesn't need any more fuel.

Deep voice: Okay, thanks.

NC: No problem. (hangs up)

(In the middle of the night, Elsa awakens upon hearing a mysterious singing voice, and starts walking through the castle and eventually outside as she expresses her thoughts in the song, "Into the Unknown")

NC (vo): Okay, but 100% due credit, the one thing that is consistently good in this is Elsa. Not only does she have the best story with a mystery that sucks you in, but, big surprise, her songs are really fucking awesome.

Elsa: (singing) Into the unknown!

NC (vo): Despite them definitely having a "Let It Go" vibe...honestly, I'd be shocked if they didn't do that...

(We are briefly shown Elsa's other big solo number later in the film, "Show Yourself")

Elsa: (singing) Here I am...

(Then cut to "Let It Go" from the first film for comparison)

Elsa: (singing) Here I stand...

NC (vo): ...they're still good songs; emotional, big, and further her journey, both physically and emotionally. Though, am I the only one who thinks the voice calling her is the melody of "Jack's Lament" from Nightmare Before Christmas?

(We hear said singing voice calling to Elsa, then cut to a verse from "Jack's Lament" from The Nightmare Before Christmas; the verse's melody does slightly match the calling voice)

Jack Skellington: (singing) Oh, somewhere deep...

(A clip from Rat Race is shown)

Randy Pear (Jon Lovitz): Oh, my God! You should sue somebody.

(We go back to the "Into the Unknown" sequence, showing Elsa standing outside the castle's balcony)

Elsa: (singing) Into the unknown...!

NC (vo; as an angry neighbor): SHUT UP! IT'S 3AM!

NC: I can't take credit for that. I got it here.

(The drawing of NC's joke is shown to be credited to Brianna Garcia, who is then shown in a photo next to Doug Walker)

NC (vo): Check her stuff out. She's kind of amazing. Link here. (The caption "BriannaCherryGarcia.Tumblr.com." is shown)

(We then cut back to the movie, as Elsa investigates what's going on, but unintentionally awakens the elemental spirits, which forces everyone in the kingdom to evacuate)

NC (vo): Anywho, it seems like the voice and Elsa are connected, as the elements start rampaging Arendelle, and Elsa evacuates everyone. When Anna asks what's going on, Elsa says she has a feeling...nay, an intuition about what all this is...

Elsa: I woke the magical spirits at the Enchanted Forest.

NC: Or she knows exactly.

(Suddenly, the rock trolls appear on the scene)

Troll: Kristoff! (hugs him)

NC (vo; as Grand Pabbie): Don't worry, we don't have a song this time.

(The Grand Pabbie conjures up an image of the dam, with the two clans at war with each other)

Grand Pabbie: The past is not what it seems. A wrong demands to be righted.

NC: (as Grand Pabbie) And when I say "righted", I mean... (hesitates, then slaps the back of his hand)

NC (vo): Eh, we'll get to that in a bit, but for now, Elsa says she needs to go to the Enchanted Forest. Anna insists that she comes with.

Anna: (to Elsa) Excuse me, I climbed to the North Mountain, survived a frozen heart, and saved you from my ex-boyfriend, and I did it all without powers, so, you know, I'm coming.

Kristoff: Me, too.

NC: (as Kristoff) Seeing how I'm the one who actually did all of that.

(Elsa, Anna, Olaf, Kristoff, and Sven embark to the Enchanted Forest, following the mysterious voice)

NC (vo): They reach the wall of mist, and Elsa's powers are the only thing that can get them through.

(The mist parts at Elsa's touch, revealing five stone statues, each containing a symbol of the five gifts of the forest. NC suddenly starts talking with an image of Elsa, imitating Anna)

NC: (as Anna) Just like that other princess movie Brave! That turned out good, right?

Elsa (voiced by NC): That turned out good, right?

NC: (as Anna) Isn't that what I just asked?

Elsa (voiced by NC): What?

(NC, while still smiling, makes a confused expression. And with that, we go to a commercial. When we return, we see the group splitting up and exploring several parts of the forest, with Anna and Kristoff discovering the big dam blocking a large river)

NC (vo): They enter the forest and see the dam that was built by Arendelle years ago.

Kristoff: Well, if that dam broke, it would send a tidal wave so big, it would wash away everything on this fjord.

NC: What an incredibly natural thing to say. Back to me wondering how this film's gonna end.

(Meanwhile, Olaf is walking through the forest on his own, singing the song "When I Am Older")

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Olaf partakes in...what I'm gonna call "Comic Relief Gunpoint".

(As he says this, the caption "Comic Relief Gunpoint" is shown with an image of Olaf holding a gun, complete with the sound of a gun being cocked. We are then shown footage of Olaf from the first movie, followed by brief images of other Disney comic relief characters, including the Genie from Aladdin, Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King, and Mushu from Mulan)

NC (vo): You see, in the first movie, Olaf comes in halfway through the film. A smart move utilized in several Disney movies, because that means the main characters have to be charming and funny for the first half, making us like them more. So you don't have to put all your comedy in one character, as that usually backfires.

(As he says that, an image of Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is shown. Then we are shown footage of Olaf's role in the sequel)

NC (vo): But in this flick, he's there at the start, which means when the film's not meeting that Disney-MCU laugh quota, he takes over, driving the story to a crashing halt, trying to make little kids giggle.

(One of Olaf's scenes is shown with the "Comic Relief Gunpoint" caption)

Olaf: Samantha? (suddenly laughs) I don't even know a Samantha! (continues laughing)

NC: Now, don't get me wrong: we did have one scene like that in the first.

(Footage of Olaf's "In Summer" song sequence from the first film is shown)

NC (vo): But it was around when we first met him, so it helped establish his character, give him something to strive for, and, yeah, I found it pretty funny.

(Cut back to the sequel, showing a clip of Olaf's "When I Am Older" song sequence, showing Olaf running away screaming from several of the forest's magical events)

NC (vo): In Frozen II, um...they do that thing where the camera's really close to his face when he runs.

(Cut to a clip from Talladega Nights, showing Ricky Bobby running through the race track while in his underwear and imagining he's on fire)

NC (vo): That's only a 13-year-old cliche...

(Now cut to a clip of The Rescuers Down Under, showing Bernard's second attempt to propose to Bianca)

NC (vo): ...compared to the 29-year-old cliches you were doing.

(Cut back again to Frozen II, showing Elsa, Anna and Olaf looking at a frozen statue of a horse)

Anna: What's that thing you say, Olaf?

Olaf: My theory about advancing technologies is both our savoir and our doom?

NC: Okay, (holds up index finger) once in a while, he gets a laugh.

(The Air Spirit, in the form of a tornado, suddenly appears and sweeps everyone up in its vortex. Using her powers, Elsa stops it, forming a set of ice sculptures)

NC (vo): A tornado sweeps them up, but Elsa freezes it away, resulting in these ice statues left behind. What could they be?

Elsa: (looking at the horse sculpture) They look like moments in time.

NC: (stunned and confused) Lucky guess.

(Then we cut to a clip of Toy Story 2, showing the Woody's Roundup show)

Woody: (to a group of critters) What's that? Jessie and Prospector are trapped in the old abandoned mine, and Prospector just lit a stick of dynamite, thinking it was a candle, and now they're about to be blown to smithereens?

(Cut back again to Frozen II)

NC (vo): While Elsa's guessing is a little too on-the-nose, even just for instinct, this does lead to maybe the coolest idea in the movie.

Olaf: Water has memory. The water that makes up you and me has passed through at least four humans and/or animals before us.

NC: (shrugs) I'm not sure why Olaf knows all that.

NC (vo): Elsa always seems to be the one to guess the right answer and has ice powers, but we got to justify the Michelin Man's dick in this somehow.

(Elsa and Anna then notice a sculpture of younger versions of their parents)

Anna: Father.

NC: (as Anna) You can tell just by looking at them. (Images of both the younger and older versions of King Agnarr are shown)

(The group are suddenly met by both the Northuldra and a troop of Arendellian soldiers, led by Mattias, who are still in conflict with one another)

NC (vo): They come across the locals, as well as Arendale's soldiers, left behind. Well, now things are gonna get interesting–

(Olaf suddenly stands in front of the group, the soldiers, and the Northuldra, to speak with them all)

NC (vo): Oop! Disney-MCU laugh quota! Gotta hold you hostage for a bit.

(As the "Comic Relief Gunpoint" caption is again shown (once more with the sound of a gun clicking), we are shown several clips of the whole sequence of Olaf reenacting the entire story of the first film)

Olaf: (mimics Young Elsa) Anna, no! Too high! (He mimics Anna getting accidentally hit by Elsa's power) Blast!

(We cut to Olaf reenacting the moment Anna met Hans, with Sven playing Hans and "Love Is an Open Door" briefly playing in the background)

Olaf: (mimics Anna) Oh! Oh, hi, I'm Anna! I'll marry a man I just met.

(We then cut to Olaf reenacting the moment when Elsa revealed her powers to the kingdom and made her escape)

Olaf: (mimics an innocent bystander) Elsa's gonna blow! (Throws some snow around) Snow! Snow!

NC: Anyone else find these familiar, by the way?

(We cut to the beginning of the sequence)

Olaf: (speaking in a deep voice) It began with two sisters.

(We then cut to Chester A. Bum's review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, which is accompanied by Olaf's sequence)

Chester: OH, MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

(We cut to Olaf reenacting the moment the trolls told Anna and Kristoff how Anna can be saved; Olaf is acting like Grand Pabble at this moment, complete with appearance)

Olaf: (imitating Grand Pabble) Only an act of true love can save you.

(We then cut to Olaf reenacting the moment Hans is about to kiss Anna to save her, with Sven playing Anna)

Olaf: (mimics Hans) Here's a true love's kiss.

Chester: And Shredder is like, "I trusted you, I thought we were gonna be partners." "Dude, I'm a talking clitoris with pinkies."

(We are again shown that earlier clip from Rat Race)

Randy Pear: Oh, my God! You should sue somebody.

NC: You got a lawsuit coming! (takes out his phone) Let me just look up the episode of Bum Reviews doing Frozen... (However, his phone search reveals that Chester A. Bum never did a review of Frozen, angering NC) OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT HE DIDN'T DO!!

(He furiously dials the phone numbers of Chester A. Bum, who answers NC's call)

Chester: (on phone) Hello?

NC: How could you never do a review of Frozen?!

Chester: (on phone) OH, MY GOD! THAT'S THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's these princess misses...

(Annoyed, NC hangs up)

Yelana (Martha Plimpton): Why would nature reward a person of Arendelle with magic?

Lieutenant Mattias (Sterling K. Brown): Perhaps to make up for the actions of your people.

Yelana: My people are innocent.

Lieut. Mattias: May the truth...

NC: Wait, let me guess. Is the moral of this Disney movie not to be prejudice?

(The scene replays with the addition of the word "YES", written in big, yellow letters, accompanied by traditional synthesized victory music. Then we cut back to NC, with various posters of the following surrounding him: Maleficent: Mistress of Evil, Zootopia, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, Frozen II, Descendants 3 and Star vs. the Forces of Evil)

NC: (listlessly) How brave of you to take on such a brand-new stance.

Deep voice: But people being crapped on represent the people being crapped on!

NC: (yelling) YEAH, THAT'S ALL OF THEM!

NC (vo): Well, cool, we can finally start getting some answers. (Suddenly, a pink flame erupts from a tree behind them) Nope! Still Rise of Skywalker-ing this shit! (Elsa tries to douse the pink flame with snow as it spreads to other trees) Keep doing stuff, keep doing stuff!

Northuldra tribesman: Fire spirit!

(The fire leaps from one of the trees and runs along the ground)

NC (vo): Elsa finds the fire spirit is... (...a pink lizard creature called Bruni, accompanied by a shot of a plush toy version available on Amazon) ...available for $37.89, as he beckons her to follow him, and like everyone else, that's his one thing in the movie. But who cares? Now we can finally get some answers– (Anna suddenly runs up and hugs her sister from behind) NAW!

Ryder (Jason Ritter): (seeing the scarf Anna is wearing) That's a Northuldra scarf.

(Anna looks at her scarf, and then looks at one of the ice sculptures, which looks suspiciously like Queen Iduna)

Anna: Elsa...

Elsa: I see it. It's Mother!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons)

Marge: Please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out!

(Cut back to the movie as the sisters make the discovery of the ice sculpture of Iduna catching the sculpture of young Prince Agnarr)

NC (vo): Yeah, okay, the father (A shot of King Agnarr appears in the corner) who looks nothing like him, they figured out, but the mother (A shot of Queen Iduna is now shown in the corner) who literally hasn't changed one bit? Now, that took some putting together.

Elsa: Our mother is Northuldra.

(The Northuldra tribe starts chanting)

NC: They do this whenever they see hot women. Don't give attention.

(And yet, the female members of the tribe are chanting, too, as the tribe puts their hands on each other's shoulders)

NC (vo): I will admit, by the way, I like how they give some context to the chant from the first film. I think it cleverly ties the two movies together. With that said, Elsa promises to free everyone in the mist, which is great. Let's see what we can discover... Time to rest? Cool.

(We then spot Olaf fraternizing with the children in the tribe, while Kristoff chats with Ryder)

NC (vo): Time for our one-note characters to play their one note.

Anna: (to Lieut. Mattias) What else do you miss?

Mattias: My father. He passed long before all this.

NC: Eh, at least this new character...

NC (vo): ...gets a little bit of screentime.

(Then we cut back to Kristoff and Ryder)

NC (vo): Aaaaand he's gone!

Kristoff: I can't seem to get her attention or even say the right thing.

NC (vo): A part of me is pissed because he looked like a really cool character, but a part of me is relieved because (The children are seen playing with Olaf's branch arms and carrot nose) if he's inevitably gonna end up like these schmucks, it might not be worth it.

(Suddenly, the ground shakes, getting everyone's attention. Elsa and a female Northuldra tribesman, Honeymaren, look up in shock)

Honeymaren (Rachel Matthews): Earth Giants.

(They spot an Earth Giant walking past their village, the ground shaking with each step)

NC: (rubbing hands together excitedly) All right, cool! Maybe these...

NC (vo): ...will be some interesting– (The Earth Giant simply leaves, however, just passing through) Aaand they're gone.

(NC double-facepalms himself and groans)

Kristoff: (to Ryder) Am I suppose to feel this ridiculous?

Ryder: Here she comes! (opens up a basket, release a flock of butterflies that fly around Kristoff)

Kristoff: Princess Anna of Arendelle...

NC (vo): It's almost like a mission to rescue hundreds isn't a practical time to propose, but it's literally all he has in this movie, so queue that letdown music!

(A dramatic "wah-wah" tone plays as Yelana stares at Kristoff, totally nonplussed)

NC (vo): What follows next...

NC: (hesitantly) I'll give credit. I never thought I would see it in a Frozen movie. (shakes head)

(Kristoff and a herd of reindeer sing "Lost in the Woods")

Kristoff and reindeer: (singing) Now I know you're my true north / 'Cause I am lost in the woods...

NC: (grinning broadly) Oh, yeah, (nods) you're seeing that correctly.

NC (vo): This is an '80s rock ballad. Because they are so creatively bankrupt with this character, this is the only thing they could think off.

NC: (shakes head) It doesn't match...anything in the movie, but I kinda gotta give it to them.

NC (vo): I was literally speechless when I saw this. How the hell am I supposed to react to something this desperate? But they go for it. Nothing is half-assed. I like the first Frozen, but there's nothing I can say I had my jaw on the ground in disbelief. I have to tip my hat. They went for broke on something that's so absolutely insane, it almost feels like a troll movie. In a series with actual trolls!

NC: I can't say it's good, but I can say it is legitimately amazing.

(Meanwhile, the royal sisters continue their quest, accompanied by Olaf and Bruni the fire lizard)

NC (vo): And it's definitely more entertaining than...

(Olaf sings the calling voice obnoxiously off-key and high-pitched, startling Bruni into a small fire and getting Anna's attention, too, who cringes)

NC: Why are you still a thing?

(Olaf continues to sing, making Anna cringe)

NC: This is the film you die in, right?

NC (vo): Elsa finds the ship their parents died on and discovered they were actually heading towards Dark Waters.

Anna: Ahtohallan. It's a magical river said to hold all the answers about the past.

NC: That description is so vague, (A shot of Harold Oxley is shown off to the side, with an upraised hand sticking out of the top of the image) even the Space Between Spaces has its hand up.

(Elsa puts her hands on the floor of the ship, which causes water droplets to form and rise up)

Anna: Elsa?

Elsa: I want to know what happened.

NC: (confused) Well, they...clearly drowned.

(More water droplets form and float upward)

NC: (scratching his head) Is there any reason you think they didn't drown?

(The droplets form an ice sculpture rendering of Anna and Elsa's parents hugging each other before they had drowned)

NC (vo; flatly): Oh, my God, they drowned! That's so out of left field!

Anna: (to Elsa) If anyone can save Arendelle and free this forest, it's you.

NC (vo): Elsa says there's a fifth spirit, said to combine the rest of the elements, and the answer to who that is lies over the dark waters. And...if you haven't figured out the identity of the fifth spirit...

(An image of a chocolate chip cookie is superimposed, followed by an image of a man standing in the corner of a room, with his back turned to the camera as he faces the wall)

NC (vo): ...here's a cookie, go to the corner, and don't talk to me.

Anna: I can't lose you, Elsa.

NC (vo): Elsa says she can't allow Anna to go down such a dangerous path, (Elsa forms an ice boat around Anna and Olaf and sends it away) so she puts her in a boat and sends her down a dangerous path.

(The ice boat lands in a river)

Olaf: I'm sensing...rising anger...in me.

Anna: (surprised) Wait, you're angry?

Olaf: Elsa pushed me away, too.

Anna: And you have every right to be very, very mad at her.

NC: (confused and frustrated) Okay, Frozen therapy is fascinating...in that, no, it's not, but can we focus on the actual story I believe is still somewhere in here?!

Olaf: (to Anna) You said some things never change, but since then, everything's done nothing but change.

(Cut to a clip of Olaf in the first Frozen)

NC (vo; as Olaf): Remember when I was used sparingly and adults didn't want to gouge their eyes out with their soda straws?

(Cut back to Olaf in Frozen 2)

NC (vo; as Olaf): That changed drastically from the first time.

(Suddenly, Anna spots something that gets her attention)

Anna: (turning Olaf's head around for him to see) Look!

(It is revealed they are passing by an Earth Giant, who is sound asleep and snoring)

NC (vo): They come across the Rock Giants– (Anna and Olaf pass by easily and enter a cave) Aaand they're gone.

(Suddenly, inside the cave, Anna and Olaf go over a waterfall. Then we cut back to Elsa, at the edge of the dark waters. She readies her ice powers to cross it)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Elsa is alone, so... (Elsa runs across the water, freezing the water and waves so she can cross it) the movie gets good again.

(She then goes in the water, where she meets the water spirit, in the form of a wild horse, which she tame so she can ride it)

NC (vo): Yeah, it feels like it's moving forward once more, with her trying to make it past the dark waters, leading to some kick-ass imagery and, again, a really good song.

(As Elsa, now with her hair completely down, enters an ice cavern, she sings said good song...)

Elsa: (singing) Show yourself! Let me see who you are!

NC: Okay, I said this about Toy Story 4, it's an unpopular opinion, but I really feel like it holds true here, too.

(Footage of Frozen II is shown, along with the poster for this movie and that of Toy Story 4 superimposed)

NC (vo): Had the movie not been a sequel, (The posters are replaced by images of Elsa and Woody, respectively) but a spin-off named after the main lead, (Shots of all the additional characters in both movies are shown next) dropping all the side characters you now don't have to shove in...

NC: ...I think this could have been something really great.

NC (vo): The music, the lyrics, the emotional animation, the performance, it's all wonderful. It's obvious here as it was with Toy Story 4, they only wanted to tell one character's story...

(We cut back to an earlier scene in the movie, showing Kristoff's failed attempt to propose to Anna, where he says, "You'd have to be crazy...")

NC (vo): ...not an ensemble, like their predecessors.

(Again, the footage slows way down as the camera zooms in on Anna)

Anna: (very slowly and deeply) You think I'm crazy?

(Then we cut back to Elsa in the ice cavern)

NC (vo): Even though Elsa discovers what we've already figured out, it's a touching moment with her connecting in song with her mother, the fifth spirit before her. After this point, the rest of the movie would be obvious: right the wrong of her past about to be discovered, and her journey would be complete.

NC: (resignedly) But it's not just her journey.

NC (vo): We have Olaf and Kristoff and Anna in the story, too, and we need to give them stuff to do and get Elsa out of the picture.

NC: So things get... (sighs) really sloppy.

(Elsa finds herself in a room filled with snow figures of all of her memories)

NC (vo): After a diss at how sick everybody is of "Let It Go"...

(A figure of Elsa sings, "Here I stand...", as part of her song, which makes the real Elsa cringe. Then we have a comparison between "Let It Go" in the first movie and both "Show Yourself" and "Into the Unknown" in the second)

NC (vo): Yeah, you can't really mock it when you try to recreate it twice!

(We then cut back to the second movie)

NC (vo): Also, this in-joke.

(Elsa then spots a figure of Iduna hanging from a tree as she looks at a figure of Prince Agnarr, who is reading a book)

Iduna: What are you reading, Your Majesty?

Agnarr: Some new Danish author.

NC: (as Agnarr) I hope a multi-billion-dollar company (Posters of Frozen and The Little Mermaid are shown) can butcher his stories one day.

NC (vo): She sees – big shock – that Arendelle started the attack years ago.

(Elsa sees a figure of her grandfather, King Runeard, who had started the attack to keep everything for himself)

King Runeard (Jeremy Sisto): Magic makes people too powerful, too entitled.

NC (vo): She uses her ice powers to see in the past all the bloodshed was her grandfather's fault. But the flashback inconveniently goes too deep into the cave, and as she follows to hear more, she gets frozen. So, um...remember, kids, if you get too close to proving injustice, pull back! Because...it's...bad? This is fucking lame!

(Before she freezes into a solid ice statue, Elsa manages to release one last blast of her ice powers to inform Anna and Olaf of the truth, showing a figure of Ruenard killing the Northuldra Leader so he remain all-powerful with no opposition)

NC (vo): I guess, with the last of her powers, she sends out an Ice-tagram showing Anna what really happened. And because Elsa is frozen, she can no longer keep Olaf alive.

(As Olaf disintegrates into mere flakes of snow, he and Anna embrace one last time)

Olaf: I like warm hugs.

(Anna sobs softly)

NC: (deadpan) Wow. Not since...

(Shots of the following are shown as NC says them...)

NC (vo): ...Gurgi, Cyclops, and whichever Wayans that was in Dungeons and Dragons...

NC: ...have I felt so bad about a character passing.

NC (vo): Yeah, had he not kidnapped the movie several times just to tell annoying jokes, maybe I would have felt something here. But this is honestly done just to suddenly give Anna some depth, which, again, in a better movie, should have been Elsa's. It was already established, but nope, we gotta give Anna a cry moment, too.

(Anna starts to sing "The Next Right Thing")

Anna: (singing) Can there be a day beyond this night?

NC (vo): She sings, again, a pretty decent song about loss. It's very heavy and well-written, but it's for a character who had this as some of his last words.*

Olaf: Turtles can breathe through their butts?

(A montage of clips of Anna singing "The Next Right Thing" is shown, juxtaposed with Olaf's scenes of him acting obnoxiously)

Anna: (singing) The only star that guided me was you...

(An earlier scene of Olaf singing "When I Am Older" plays)

Anna: (singing) ...when it's not you I'm rising for?

(Another scene of Olaf's obnoxiously loud voice is shown, this time as he screams as rocks fall down around him)

NC: (shakes head) I'm not gonna feel much in this scenario.

• NOTE: The song wasn't referring to Anna's thoughts about Olaf dying, but about Elsa's apparent death. Doug later acknowledged his error on Facebook on the same day as the review's upload, and even states that since he figured out the song was meant to be about Anna's feelings about Elsa, it had made him enjoy the song even more.

(Anna looks out over toward the dam that her grandfather had built to maintain his power)

NC (vo): Anna's solution to right this wrong is honestly pretty ballsy, especially for a Disney movie.

Anna: (to Lieut. Mattias and the other soldiers) Arendelle has no future until we make this right. The dam must fall. It's the only way to break the mist and free the forest.

NC (vo): Yeah, she suggests drowning Arendelle, which is evacuated, granted, but still, destroying the kingdom to balance out the wrongs committed in the past.

NC: (stunned) Yikes! I mean, it's a pretty complicated issue with a lot of layers involved. Moments ago, you had...

Olaf: Turtles can breathe through their butts?

NC (vo): And now you're like, "We gotta destroy the homes of people who had nothing to do with this, yet still did benefit from it, but also have no say in it whatsoever."

NC: (struggling to comprehend) This...is the same movie that had (A snippet of Kristoff's song is replayed at the bottom of the screen) an '80s rock ballad parody, right?

(Anna lures the Rock Giants toward the dam, where she has them throw boulders at it. They hit the dam, which starts to break apart, causing the water behind it to flow forth)

NC (vo): But... (sighs) Okay, that's the path we're taking. Seems like a lot to unpack, but balls to the wall, they're going for it. She lures the Rock Giants to do literally the only reason they're in this movie: destroy the dam. Cool, you did your one thing!

(A quick montage of earlier scenes is shown)

NC (vo): We're all doing our one thing!

(Elsa, frozen in ice, is freed)

NC (vo): This lifts the mist, as well as unfreezes Elsa.

NC: Now, I know what you're thinking: would Arendelle being destroyed is what lifts the curse?

(Elsa rides the water horse across the lake out in front of the water flowing from the dam, which comes toward Arendelle in a tidal wave)

NC (vo): I mean, couldn't somebody go and technically stop it?

(The horse lifts its front legs in the air and comes down hard on the water, which somehow causes a huge wall of icy wind to blow forth in the path of the onrushing water, freezing it like a wall and stopping it from washing Arendelle away)

NC: That's the retconning bullshit Disney is amazing at! (nods)

NC (vo): Yep, even though nobody was in the kingdom and they made a big deal about how this was the only way to bring balance back, there are no repercussions, no loss, no sacrifice, and no responsibility for any of their actions!