Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash
October 30, 2017
The Sensational Spider-man #0
Marvel Comics #1
Place your bets! ...before we're busted for illegal gambling.
[We open with a close up of a t-shirt that says: ”Because Poor Literacy Is Kewl,” though you can’t read it until it’s soon zoomed away.]
Linkara [v/o]: Celebrate Atop the 4th Wall’s 9th anniversary and your love for superheroes who spell words wrong so a company can trademark a name by pre-ordering the “Because Poor Literacy is Kewl” shirt now on sharkrobot.com, link in the discripstion [And here: https://sharkrobot.com/products/kewl].
[We then Cut to Linkara sitting on his green futon in his basement apartment.]
Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop The 4th Wall, where bad comics burn. You know what, assuming this episode actually comes out on time [It does], Halloween is a day away and we should end the Nightmare On Elm Street reviews on a bigger note that just some one shot half devoted to Leatherface.
[Cut to a clip of Freddy Vs. Jason.]
Linkara [v/o]: 2003 saw the release of Freddy Vs. Jason, a crossover film between A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th, pitting 2 iconic slasher movie monsters against one another.
Linkara: I freaking love Freddy Vs. Jason. Hell, it was the first of either franchise that I saw in the theaters and as a fan of both series, it delivered exactly what I wanted out of the crossover.
Linkara [v/o]: It is by no means a perfect movie, but some of the criticisms lobbied against it that I’ve heard of our…silly. For instance, “Well, who cares about the stock slasher movie characters?”
Linkara: [Raises his hand] Um, I do! Because, if I just wanted to see Freddy and Jason stab each other, I could just watch a fan film on YouTube! I want a story driving things and for a slasher movie, the story ain’t terrible.
Linkara [v/o]: Other criticisms are…not so silly, like Jason’s sudden aversion to water. But, one could probably argue that it’s not the water itself that was an issue. But maybe being in a nightmare, seeing his mom again, the water flow just all of a sudden was a trigger for the traumatic moment of his drowning, and that’s what Freddy took advantage of. I don’t pretend Jason is immune to that kind of thing, dude got tricked by someone wearing his mom’s sweater.
Linkara: Jason Voorhees has issues, is what I’m saying. You would too if you kept getting stabbed in the head and then killed and resurrected multiple times. DUDE GOT BLOWN TO HELL UP ONCE! GIVE HIM A BREAK FOR A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS!
Linkara [v/o]: What does bug me about the movie: The introduction, where Freddy is giving some back-story for anyone new to this stuff. The annoying thing is; I love this intro. Robert Englund a fantastic actor and sells this narration perfectly, it’s very well edited as a recap of Freddy, and the clips have been de-saturated to the point where there’s almost a black and white quality to them. The problem is that it gives away the plot of the movie, so there’s no surprises with what’s going on and we’re waiting for the main characters to catch up to what the audience already knows. Speaking of, given the material today, we need to get some introductions out of the way for those who may not be familiar with the title characters. Freddy, you all know from the last 3 years worth of reviews. Jason Voorhees was originally a handicapped child at Camp Crystal Lake, who drowned because the camp counselors were too busy having sex to keep an eye on him. His mother, driven insane by the loss, murdered the counselors. Unbeknownst to her, Jason seemingly survived the drowning and lived in the woods, eventually witnessing his mom being killed by the last survivor of another massacre she perpetrated. Each time new people came to the lake to try to rebuild summer camp at the place, he’d murder them.
Linkara: And that’s why the series is called “Friday the 13th!” [He smiles and gives a thumbs up]
Linkara [v/o]: As I said earlier, though he’s been killed and resurrected a times; by lightning, by telekinesis, and most relevant to today’s outing: during the revelation in the 9th movie that Jason actually has a demon inside of him that can possess other bodies if he’s not properly defeated. At the end of that movie, Jason is dragged into the earth (or presumably, hell) with his hockey mask left behind…to be pulled down by Freddy Kruger’s glove to foreshadow the planned Freddy Vs. Jason film. Yeah, the film had been in development hell for over a decade before it finally got made. I read some of the drafts for the movie while it was stuck there and…holy crap guys, even if you don’t like Freddy Vs. Jason, it could have been a hell of a lot worse. Some had barely any fighting between the 2 at all (in a film called Freddy Vs. Jason). Quite a bit of retconning was afoot for trying to go for a real world “Well, these are just movie characters” metatextual thing like Wes Craven’s New Nightmare did, but definitely no as smart. Stuff where the 2 characters were just servants of a new villain called, believe it or not, Thanos. And yet another where Jason is basically a good guy in the end, despite still being a serial killer who is captured and put on trial in the story.
Linkara: If you don’t enjoy the movie, fine, I can’t make you like something. I’m just saying, when it comes to Freddy Vs. Jason, we dodged so many bullets and I’ll defend it to the day I die…and then afterwards when I become a Deadite. Which brings us to the 3rd character in this battle.
[Cut to a clip from the original Evil Dead film from 1981.]
Linkara [v/o]: Ashley or Ash Williams is the hero of the Evil Dead movies (save for the 2013 remake) and TV show [Ash Vs. Evil Dead]. Said movies are about an evil book, the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, which has the power to summon demons, spirits, and all sorts of weird crap like that. Ash was just an average guy who went to a cabin in the woods with his girlfriend (and other friends in the 1st movie), when they discover the Necronomicon and accidentally unleashed its evil. The 1st [film] was a straight-up horror film, but the preceding films moved into horror comedy; with Ash being a reluctant, catchphrase delivering hero, who had his arm cut off and replaced it with a chainsaw. He kicked ass, took names, and delivered a shotgun blast straight into the face of evil…and then got knocked into some walls because slapstick. While one proposed ending for Freddy Vs. Jason would have had the 2 meet Pinhead from the Hellraiser franchise.
Linkara: And just you wait, I’ve got some plans for Hellraiser soon enough.
Linkara [v/o]: What had more traction was a sequel to Freddy Vs. Jason that included Ash in the mix. Most parties involved were pretty open to the idea and it got inches away from being done. But apparently creative differences made it break down, particularly when it came to the ending. Although, I’m reading up on this years after fact, so who knows what really happened. The point is that it got to the point where a script was made and while the project officially fell apart…well, it was a perfectly good script, so why let it go to waste? And thus came the Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash comic.
Linkara: I’ll a bit more about Freddy Vs. Jason in the actual review…because yeah, this intro has gone on for far too long. But, let’s dig into [Holds up all 6 issues] Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash!
[We then cut to the Atop the 4th Wall theme song and intro, followed by the title cared. We then cut to some of the covers of the 6 issues.]
Linkara [v/o]: We’re going through 6 comics today and that introduction was already way too long, so we’ll skip the covers. We open in Crystal Lake, 5 years after the events in Freddy Vs. Jason.
Ash Williams’ Narration Text Box: This here place is Crystal Lake. The local yokels have taken to calling it “Forrest Green,” as if changing its name will erase the things that happened here.
Linkara: well, at least it’s better that the 1st name they proposed, “Never Stabbington.”
Ash’s Narration Text Box: Take it from me, there’s nothing you can do can take away the nightmares once you’ve lived through them. Nevertheless, they did their best to hide it with new roads, lakeside condos, and even a new warehouse sixed Super Mega Ultra S-Mart. But getting a good deal on your housewares won’t cover up the blood that’s been spilt here.
Linkara: Well no, but I think the laundry detergent shelf might help.
Ash’s Narration Text Box: See, Crystal Lake is the birthplace of an evil so foul, it even gives the Deadites a run for their money. And right down the street, the worst nightmare imaginable was dreamed up.
Linkara: Young Sheldon.
Linkara [v/o]: Now, of course he’s referring to Freddy and Jason, showing a little montage of shots from the film. We then cut to Lori and Will, the survivors of Freddy Vs. Jason. From what I read, they [Monica Keena and Jason Ritter who played Lori and Will] actually were on board with coming back for this cameo at the beginning, which definitely would have been cool. Not every horror series (especially slashers) have actors who are willing to reprise their characters. Apparently, Lori has pushed Will into coming back here, cause she needs to know for certain that Freddy and Jason are gone for good after their seeming deaths at the end of the movie.
Linkara: Lori, this takes place in 2008, you could have just Googled whether or not people had seen them and not done something as dumb as this!
Linkara [v/o]: I mean, really? FIVE YEARS you decided to wait before trying this?! They still arrive at the campgrounds in the middle of a snowstorm and have a quick look around and apparently Jason has been practicing his teleporting since Lori turns her back for all of a second when noticing some blood. But when she turns around again, Jason has already taken Will, dragged him back to a cabin, and disemboweled him, hanging his corpse up. And here we can see the traditional Jason “Ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah” sound effect. Although, since we see it several times here, it makes me wonder if this is something Lori can actually hear too. What’s making that noise? Is that Jason doing it? Does he shake his hips around to warn off predators like a rattlesnake? Anyway, Lori is briefly in shock because of this, particularly because they survived Freddy and Jason before, but recovers quickly enough when Jason returns to attack her. Despite being inured, she manages to evade him and swears vengeance. Ash’s narration talks about how after all these sorts of things happen to a person, seeing everyone around you murdered horribly but you were spared, one can assume that you were chosen, that you’re special, that you are the one who will be the hero and save the day…and we see her pick up a buzz saw and slice at Jason with it, even shoving him out a window. She goes out to double tap him, but unfortunately, she takes a machete to the head.
Ash’s Narration Text Box: But in the end you can’t outrun fate, plain and simple.
Linkara: No, but you can stay out of fate’s way by NOT GOING BACK TO THE PLACE WHERE YOUR GREATES ENEMIES WERE FIVE YEARS LATER!!
Linkara [v/o]: In my opinion, killing Lori and Will was a mistake. They got a happy ending and there was no reason to kill them off like they did, other than making it clear this was a sequel. They were likable characters and it not only feels like it undermines their story by making them the opening kills, but also by making their deaths so pointless to everything else in the comic. I’m not against killing off previous protagonists, just that it should help drive the plot in some way or have them contribute enough to the plot that it doesn’t feel like a cheat with them appearing. Anyway, back over to S-Mart, where we meet our kill fodder- I mean, supporting characters- I mean, kill fodder. It’s a group of teenagers who work there, telling crude jokes, like this guy in a Santa suit to a girl named Caroline.
Santa suit guy/Raoul: Hey Caroline, wanna suck on my candy cane?
Guy 1: She’s checking out your north pole, huh, Raoul?
Linkara: If this comic had any sense of Justice, those 2 would end up impaled on that thing.
Linkara [v/o]: Instead, another guy named Davy steps up to tell them to knock it off, but she [Caroline] says she can handle it; telling them that’s fine, but she plays rough; snapping the candy cane in half. However, the store manager, being a douche bag, does not care about the harassment she just went through, but on the fact that she broke a candy cane toy.
Manager: That $1.95 is coming out of your paycheck. We work on nickels and dimes here in retail business. Sell a widget make a nickel. Sell two and make a dime. Your little pubescent skit just cost S-Mart 39 of the nickels we worked so hard to earn.
Linkara: Say hell to the only man who has never heard of store write-offs due to damage or theft. Say, how many nickels will it cost for you to get your head out of corporate’s butt?
Linkara [v/o]: He berates them for being teenagers who don’t take their minimum-wage jobs seriously (who are probably seasonal hires, anyway and if you’re that upset, fire them) and says they’re calling in a seasoned S-Mart employee to show them a thing or 2 about a thing or 2. The 2 jackass teens pin a sign to his back that says, “I lick jingle balls.”
Guy 1: Dude, that is so classic!
Linkara: [Laughs then is serious] If children are our future, then the future us dumb.
Linkara [v/o]: After Jason drags the bodies back to his shack, we see that he’s placed Freddy’s decapitated head next to his mom’s. So, does that mean he’s being reverent and respectful to Freddy? Erm, in any case, he must have dozed off or something since the heads disappear and then a zoom in on his eye brings us back to Camp Crystal Lake in the 50s. Jason watches as the kids torment hi, the camp counselor screwing…and finally to one crooked cabin, where we see Freddy banging Pamela Voorhees….and that’s old lady Pamela Voorhees. Yet because comic artists are so set in their ways that she’s drawn with old lady face and porn star body. Smooth. Freddy speaks to Jason through his mother (the same trick he used in Freddy Vs. Jason) and tells him if he wants to get Freddy out of his head (and not be picked on anymore), he needs to go to the old Voorhees house and find a special book, the Necronomicon Ex Mortis. What’s funny is that much like the Freddy glove at the end of the 9th Friday movie, this is yet another reference to it, because a prop in that film is the Necronomicon from the Evil Dead movies.
Linkara: It’s just a neat little nod and wink, but it helps form the basis of this entire crossover. So remember, kids, always include random objects in the background of your work that might pat off in the future. [Smiles]
Linkara [v/o]: And from there, we finally catch up with Ash, who of course has been narrating all this and is the one the S-Mart manager was talking about.
Ash’s Narration Text Box: Name’s Ash, Housewares Domestic eEgineer, Detroit S-Mart. And I am the Chosen One. It wasn’t always this way. I had a real life once. A long time ago in an S-Mart far, far away. But all that is ancient history, just like the Romans and their pyramids.
Linkara: Yes, let us never forget that enemy I have spoken of so often: [holds his fist in the air] ANCIENT ROME!!
[Cut to a picture of the coliseum in Rome to the Galactic Empire theme from Star Wars]
Linkara [v/o]: We move on to issue 2 as Ash arrives at the S-Mart and runs into Manager Von Snooty Pants.
Manager: Apparently they don’t value punctuality at the Detroit store, but we here at Super Ultra Mega S-Mart are held to a higher standard. We’ve already wasted seven minutes out here on the consumer tarmac. Let’s get inside and straighten out the housewares department.
Linkara: Apparently he took that broken candy cane shoved it right up his ass.
Linkara [v/o]: Later, some girls in the parking lot are murdered by Jason and the act is observed by an old lady, who screams and gets Ash’s attention. Somehow, the cops arrive immediately afterwards and think Ash is responsible for the blood pile. But of course, the manager confirms he was inside when it all happened. When the teenage employees asked what the hell happened out there, Ash goes off on a rant about the Deadites and how these damn kids today don’t even know what it’s like to kill ancient Kandarian demons.
Linkara: Yeeeeeeah. Something I left out of my introduction is that while Ash; is that while he’s a badass, he’s also kind of a dumbass. Depending on how you look at it, he’s a dumb badass or a bad dumb ass.
Linkara [v/o]: He admits that the real reason he came to Crystal Lake is to get the Necronomicon and finish off the Deadites once and for all (though, it’s never mentioned how he knew it was here). The kids, of course, laugh it off. Though later, Caroline asks about it in the break room, including about how he has a metal hand.
Ashley “Ash” Williams: More Deadite tricks. They got into my hand and it went bad. I had to lop it off at the wrist.
Ash Williams/Linkara: In retrospect, antibiotics probably would have worked better.
Linkara [v/o]: Caroline mentions Jason and Ash remembers the old lady in the parking lot was rambling about him. She explains the history of Jason and all that.
Caroline: Over the past thirty years there have been swarths of killings attributed to him or copycats. There even was a killer in Manhattan they thought might have been Jason.
Caroline/Linkara: Nut we know that one isn’t true because that one was actually in Canada.
Linkara [v/o]: The other teens try to mess with Ash with some ketchup and a hockey mask. But of course, Ash kicks the kid’s ass, much to their irritation, assuming he’s crazy.
Guy 1: It’s Raoul! It was a joke, man!
Raoul/Linkara: Jeez, I come screaming at you with what looks like blood and a weapon and there you go actually defending yourself!
Linkara [v/o]: Jason is sent out once again to get the Necronomicon, but finds himself distracted by a group of carolers whom he proceeds to slaughter.
Linkara: Hey Jason, there are a bunch of really annoying teenagers at a department store who I can’t wait to see die. I don’t suppose you want to get to them anytime soon, do ya?
Linkara [v/o]: A different group of teens come to the store with the hot girl of their group tricking Ash into buying her a bunch if supplies for them. They say they’re gonna spend the night in the Voorhees house before it’s torn down. Oh pfft, yeah, sounds like a great plan; staying the night in the middle of winter in a dilapidated old house associated with a serial killer, without power or heat. And of course, as soon as they get there, the teen start having sex.
Linkara: Oh pfft, yeah, nothing more arousing than the smell of mold and feces.
Linkara [v/o]: And we see that Jason is a bit of a pervert here [He sees the teens throught the open window]. Ash arrives at the house, annoyed that the teens who had tricked him earlier are already here. But, it turns out Caroline followed him as well, seeing Ash as her ticket out of Crystal Lake. Ash sneaks into the cellar, annoyed about all this.
Ash: Sure, sure, it’s okay. Ash is down here with the spiders and the ornamental skeletal critters while they’re up there having an orgy. Yeah, life’s real fair. Stay in school, kids. You too could end up successful like me.
Linkara: Dude, you’re gainfully employed. For some people today, that’s living the dream.
Linkara [v/o]: As Jason does his a killing, Ash finds the Necrocomicon, but soon heads upstairs when he hears Jason. The girl who teased him, Brie, soon goes to him.
Brie: Dead…all dead…he killed them all.
Linkara [v/o]: Annnnd he [Ash] makes out with her.
Ash: Mmmm, yeah, I see. But we’re not.
Linkara: TIME AND PLACE, ASH-HOLE!
LInkara [v/o]: Jason returned and Ash gets the 1st hit off, blasting him with the shotgun and making his escape with Brie back to the car. Issue 3 starts up with Jason throwing his Machete right at Ash’s face, but ash is able to catch it with his metal hand. Impressive, but because his car won’t start, it gives Jason the time he needs to smash it. Fortunately, Caroline is close and slams into Jason, rescuing the 2. As they head back to the S-Mart to plan their next move, Freddy berates Jason over his failure, literally picking at Jason’s brain to see who did this and sees the S-Mart badge. At the store, the other teenagers are busy getting high in an old VW bus…because of course they are. As Ash and the women arrive. When 1 of them spots Brie, he starts hitting on her.
Ash: Back off, Cassa-numb-nuts. Can’t you see the girl’s un shock? She just saw her friends get butchered—something tells me she isn’t interested in your pencil prick right now.
Ash/Linkara: When that happens, the appropriate thing to do is to kiss her, not hit on her! That’s how you help trauma.
Linkara [v/o]: The guys all head off as our heroes take Brie to the break room and get her some fresh clothes. Ash says they need someone to help them translate the Necronomicon to help reverse Jason (assuming he’s a Deadite), but then Jason arrives at the store, ignoring everyone until he literally bumps into someone and that sets him off.
Linkara: Jason’s pet peeve: rude shoppers.
Linkara [v/o]: As Jason starts mangling people in the store, Ash suddenly runs off to Caroline’s confusion. Manager Von Jackass comes out.
Manager: Caroline, get the shoppers out of the store and call the police!
Manager/Linkara: That uncouth man is ruining our store displays! Do you know how many nickels it’s gonna cost us to replace them?!
Linkara [v/o]: Annnnd Jason partially decapitates him with his clipboard.
Linkara: You know, I’d make some about how physically impossible that is. But I just can’t get out of my head that in the afterlife, he’s still complaining about the 2 bucks wasted on having to replace his clipboard.
Linkara [v/o]: Ash returns, now armed with both his shotgun and his chainsaw.
Ash: [To Jason Voorhees] Yo, Wayne Deadski! Hockey fan, huh? You know they say a slap shot travels over a hundred miles an hour. But I find that buckshot goes a hell of a lot faster than that!
Linkara: So, what you’re saying is we should be playing hockey with buckshot?
Linkara [v/o]: The fight’s pretty damn good with him getting a few shots off, even cutting Jason with the chainsaw. Buuut of course, Jason just sends him through a wall. It’s always that bizarre disconnect in terms of strength, isn’t it? He’s so strong, he can use a clipboard to cut through a guy, but not strong enough to flatten Ash’s face against the wall or maybe that’s just the effectiveness of main character shields? In any event, Jason gets away with the book, killing Brie in the process. Good to see they had an important reason to keep her alive! Ash and the teens decide to go to Caroline’s place to regroup since her parents are out of town. Jason, meanwhile, puts the Necronomicon in front of Freddy’s head, allowing him to use the book to resurrect himself.
Freddy Kruger: [To Jason and himself] I guess they were right about print being dead. Let’s see if we can’t find some kids who are dying to read, too.
Freddy Kruger/Linkara: This is exactly the right time for an Animorphs revival!
Linkara [v/o]: Surprisingly, Freddy’s not holding a grudge against Jason and wishes him well as he tries to walk off. But Jason holds him back, demanding he fulfill his end of the bargain. Annnd Freddy’s happy to do so.
Linkara: Man, being killed by Jason has been a really therapeutic experience for Freddy.
Linkara [v/o]: Ash and the teens talk about what happened, wondering why Jason, (who normally has a very limited intellect) would want the Necronomicon. The kids figure that someone must be pulling Jason’s strings. So, if they find out who’s controlling him, they can take them both down. They all settle in for the night and plan to go back to the Voorhees house in the morning to retrieve the book. In Ash’s dream, he wakes up in the Evil Dead cabin with a restored hand.
Ash: I’m whole again. Like before the cabin in the woods.
Ash/Linkara: No one must ever know that Jason secretly cut off my hand with the DVD case for that movie.
Linkara [v/o]: However, his hand goes bad again and sprouts into a Freddy glove instead, ending issue 3. Ash runs out of the cabin, pissed that he has to go through this crap again.
Ash: Uhhnn…gotta get to the tool shed.
Linkara: Wait, that line wasn’t awkwardly dubbed in. This can’t be real!
Linkara [v/o]: Locating the chainsaw, he cuts his hand off, deriding the Deadits for their lack of imagination. But then realizes, ‘this already happened, so how is he experiencing it again?’
Linkara: It’s called a rerun, Ash, get used to it.
Linkara [v/o]: The blood splatter forms into tiny little Freddys.
Little Freddy: If the bloody trip down memory lane with you and your right hand got you all weepy-eyed for those quiet special nights, just wait’ll you see this one.
Linkara: Oh no, you’re going to make me watch Alien Apocalypse!
Linkara [v/o]: Freddy reforms and explains that he isn’t a Deadite.
Freddy: Now then, let’s get to the business “at hand.” Shall we? I need the Necronomicon and you and those meddling pimple-poppers are going to help me get it.
Linkara: But Freddy, how is he supposed to get it away from Freddy…[Realises] wait?
Linkara [v/o]: Yeah, why is he asking him to help get the Necronomicon when he already has it? Whatever. Ash fights back against Freddy.
Ash: So let’s try a different game. Something like “truth or die.” Now make with the answers, Dead Astaire.
Ash/Linkara: How can I learn to dance like you?
Linkara [v/o]: After some more dueling banter, Ash manages to wake himself up, but realizes that damage he sustained in the dream world carried over into the real one. He wakes up the other kids to protect them, but Dave fails to, getting into a nightmare where he’s pummeled to death by dodge ball. Freddy exits the dream world next to Jason, saying that while that was fun, he needs Jason to run interference on our heroes when they arrive.
Freddy: Now get out there and do some killing. I’ve got some heavy reading to do.
Freddy/Linkara: I’m beginning to understand why women liked Twilight so much; I’m actually really engaged.
Linkara [v/o]: Ash and the teen return to S-Mart and stock up on supplies, weapons and explosives mostly, before proceeding to the Voorhees house. They lay some explosives on the porch, figuring they can lure Jason into a trap and bury him under the house. Ash also figures they should be safe from Freddy as long as they don’t fall asleep. But, just in case Jason is still an issue, he upgrades his chainsaw to a newer model that was at the S-Mart. Although, I’m pretty sure he needed to modify the original to attach to his stump arm, did he do that to this one too?
Ash: Now, this is the most important part. Don’t get killed. I have enough blood on my hands to last a lifetime. I don’t need a couple of dipshit kids and another cute girl to die because I couldn’t take down the demons quick enough.
Ash/Linkara: Also, Caroline, I’m really hoping you’re at least 18. Because if not…well, that makes this age discrepancy thing between us that was already creepy even worse.
Linkara [v/o]: The 2 dumbasses [Raoul and the other guy who is yet to be named] walk around waiting for Jason to attack and hopefully lure him out, continuing to show how unlikable they are by mentioning (even after someone they know died and all this crap going on) that they want to bang Caroline. Thankfully, that’s interrupted by Jason showing up and chasing them back to the cabin. They plant some bait (One of the teen’s hats) and go into hiding. But when Jason arrives, he take one look at the bait, realizes on what’s going on and waggles his finger at Caroline, T-1000 style. Yeah, as a result of Freddy’s use of the Necronomicon, Jason is a bit smarter now. It’s one of those moments that I really do wish it ended up on screen. Ash, meanwhile, finds the Necronomicon, but gets stabbed in the shoulder by Freddy and I mean right through; Freddy puts his whole hand through there. The fact that Ash isn’t dying from a wound that large is pretty impressive. Ash is confused how the hell he’s seeing Freddy if he’s still awake.
Freddy: Thanks to those Deadite passages I’ll have dominion over the walking and the dream worlds. So just hand it over, and the children of Elm Streets everywhere will suffer night and day like never before.
Linkara: You say that now, Freddy, but I know what burnout can do to you. You’re gonna be so busy , you won’t have time to kill like you used to and it’ll stop being fun.
Linkara [v/o]: Ash says he’s says he’s gonna stop him, but Freddy just laughs that off…because he already performed the spell 10 minutes ago.
Freddy/Linkara: Turns out that comic loving kid I killed in the 5th movie had a copy of Watchmen on him. It’s been a big inspiration.
Linkara [v/o]: As spirits swarm around Freddy and out of the Voorhees house, Jason seems to take notice and realize he may have backed the wrong horse, since he decides to come back into the house. Freddy pins Ash to the wall with some replicas of his hand from the dream [Ash’s hands, not Freddy’s].
Freddy: Hahahaha. Now that’s what I call a “hand job.”
Linkara: Now that’s what I call a terrible joke, Fred.
Linkara [v/o]: Jason comes in, ready to fight Freddy. But with his new powers, Freddy starts summoning up Jason’s past victims to drag him down, ending issue 4. There are a few recognizable little fan service nods to past victims from his movies, but Freddy uses one of the disembodies to stab Jason through the back with his own machete and to show Jason’s own badassery, he grabs the machete knife end first and pulls it through his own body to retrieve it! Freddy decides to quit while he’s ahead, buuut this distraction allowed Ash to escape and get the Necronomicon. Freddy is still empowered by the book though, making the forest come alive to attack him.
[Cut to a clip from Mystery Science Theater 3000.]
Mike J. Nelson: Miracle-gro worked to well.
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Ash: Damn you Kruger! Get outta my head and come up with your own ideas!
Ash/Linkara: I mean, come on! How many movies have you had in your franchise? You must have come up with some original ideas?
Ash: I’m gonna rip that Thriller glove right off your hand and shove it up your pansy, hat-wearing ass!
Linkara: I must have missed the part in Thriller where Michael Jackson fought Freddy Kruger.
Linkara [v/o]: Unfortunately, Freddy takes Ash’s advice and starts having crows peck at him. But, he manages to bust free and start swinging his chainsaw around, killing the Deadite trees, and blasting the crows with his shotgun. He finds the dead bodies of the teens, lamenting how he wasn’t there to help them. But fortunately, Caroline survived. In a nice bit if imagery, Freddy’s face appears in the sky, forming out of the clouds. The red coloring really does contrast nicely with the blues, whites, and grays. The two [Ash and Caroline] run inside the house for cover.
Ash: The book has the power to banish Freddy and Jason to the Deadite dimension. I’ve seen it first hand. Hell…I’ve been sucked up and spit out by it so many times I practically have a timeshare in three other dimensions.
Ash/Linkara: Surprisingly, it’s the Deadite dimension that has the best rental rates.
Linkara [v/o]: Inside the book are pages depicting Pamela Voorhees reading from it, suggesting that she originally used it to bring Jason back to life. He [Ash] has Caroline work on the book, hopefully to find the right pages that’ll send them away and finally tells her to say the magic words: “Klaatu Verata Nikto.” Not sure how Ash knows that specifically will work in this instance, but whatever. Freddy has arrived and it’s time for the artwork to get really bad. Just, dear god Ash, what’s wrong with your face? [I think he meant to look crazed] THOSE EYES, PEOPLE! That’s gonna replace Mr. Computer in my nightmares! Ash exits the Voorhees house, but reality has shifted so that it’s instead 1428 Elm Street, with the jump-roping girls outside. Freddy appears inside the house and drags Caroline back in, but its time for the girls (after so many movies and media) to finally do something, snagging Ash with their jump rope and scratching at him. Ash proceeds to slice them up, along with a Freddy snake. Meanwhile, with Freddy and Caroline…
Freddy: My, my, my…sweet cherry pie.
Freddy/Linkara: I’m actually a huge fan of Warrant. Ultraphobic is a really underrated album.
[Back in the comic, Freddy licks Caroline’s cheeks with his long slimey tongue]
Linkara [v/o]: And…the tongue thing. Wouldn’t be Freddy without the tongue thing.
Freddy: I can tie a knot in a pumpkin stem with this bad boy. Wait till you see what I can do to you with it.
Linkara [v/o]: Weeell, from the looks of things, mostly just feed her Ecto Cooler. Jason shows up and attacks once more, Ash following behind him. Freddy goes to town on Jason. Ash telling Caroline to finally use the words, but Jason grabs the Necronomicon before she can finish. Ash blasts off Jason’s mask.
Ash: Damn, you’re one ugly mother…
Linkara: Wait, Jason was the Predator this whole time?
Linkara [v/o]: Not a bad look for Jason in this one, especially with the more skull like jaw line. Ash cuts off Jason’s arm to get the book back, but Jason gets inpired by Ash’s chainsaw hand, shoving his machete into his stump arm. Ash gets knocked away as reality once again warps, ending issue 5. The house collapses and Ash is unconscious, Freddy chasing after Caroline again to get the book back. Issues 5 and 6 are basically the big climax of the movie, the fight to end all fights between these 3 figures. Freddy finally gets the book back, but Jason once again emerges to attack. Freddy freezes him.
[We cut to a clip from Suburban Commando]
Charlie Wilcox: I was frozen today!
Linkara [v/o]: So he can use a passage from the Necronomicon to finally get rid of him [Jason] once and for all. Fortunately, Ash’s car is apparently intact enough for him to ram into Kruger.
Freddy: You again? Don’t you know when to stay down?
Ash: Sorry, hash brown, I only go down on one thing, and it sure as shit ain’t the wrinkled ass likes of you!
Ash/Linkara: Now, Jason on the other hand.
Ash: Oohhh! You think that hurts? Well, I got some bad news for you, dreamer boy. I’m a 35 year old clock puncher at a department store. My life has been one horror after another thanks to the Necronomicon and the Deadits. I’ve had to dismember friends and lovers while they scream and beg for me to stop. All to stop this book from destroying the world. You might think that whatever pain transformed you into the creature you are now was the worst thing you’ve ever felt. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Linkara: And that, my friends, is one of the many reasons why you treat retail workers with respect.
Linkara [v/o]: At this point, all I’m doing is recapping the fight. Ash shoots Freddy’s groin off, Freddy clones himself to overwhelm Jason, Ash gets tossed around like a rag doll, it’s all good. Freddy finally remembers his whole godlike power thing and decides to just leave and go have fun elsewhere, but Caroline finally reads off the magic words with the book, opening up a portal [That looks kind of like the plot hole] that sucks Freddy into it. Ooh, better be careful, Fred, I’ve seen that thing before. You mind find a pissed Planeteer, an Internet reviewer, and/or a douchey nitpicker inside of it. Ash and Caroline hang on to a tree as everything is sucked into the portal, including the Necronomicon. Jason is strong enough to resist at first, but Ash’s car rams into him and sends him into the frozen lake. We start wrapping things up with Caroline kissing Ash and packing up to leave the place.
Ash’s Narration Text Box: I came to Crystal Lake by coincidence--or so I thought. But it wasn’t a random transfer or a punishment for destroying the original S-Mart location that brought me here.
Linkara: Yeah, you said a few issues ago that you came here specifically to find the Necrocomicon. Were you just making that part up?
Ash’s Narration Text Box: But I didn’t realize that the Necronomicon itself was changing reality to bring me here. I think it was actually afraid of what Freddy would do with the Kandarian power squirreled away in its bloody pages. No doubt part of it hoped I’d be killed in the crossfire.
Ash/Linkara: I later learned it’d bet a significant sum of money on me losing, and there went the funding to publish the paperback version of the Necronomicon.
Linkara [v/o]: And so, our comic ends with the portal reopening and sending the book back out again, landing right next to a frozen Jason.
Linkara: Well, at least Jason has some nice reading material while he waits for the sequel. [Holds up all 6 issues] This comic is…flawed, but damn, if it ain’t a lot of fun!
Linkara [v/o]: There are plot holes,to be sure, some dialog that contracicts things that were said before, and characters that are annoyingly unlikable, but as a sequel to Freddy Vs, Jason, it’s pretty damn epic and the fight scenes are exactly what you’d want out of a confrontation between these 3 horror icons. I will admit, it also loses some points for a lot of Ash’s one-liners and jokes. In Evil Dead 2 and Army Of Darkness, it feels like the writers thought very carefully about the best stuff to have Ash to say and what actually sounded badass; but here, he’s trying way too hard at times and there aren’t a lot of memorable zingers, plenty of callbacks to be sure, but few things as cool as the stuff in the movies. I also enjoy seeing Ash be a bit more emotional at times, like the reaction to seeing his hand again or the regret over all the people around him who have died. The artwork is decent for the most part, but there are quite a few bits where either it gets lazy or just downright bizarre. The book was popular enough to spawn a sequel, “Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash: The Nightmare Warriors,” which is not nearly as good, but that’s a review for another time.
Linkara: Next time, Secret Origins Month…is more like Secret Origins 2 disconnected weeks for a few reasons…and I’ll get into those reasons next time with the original Marvel Comics #1 and the 1st appearance of Namor: The Submariner!
[He gets up and it cuts to black. We then cut to where we last saw Jarris, shooting at Impura (played by Julie Sydor) with his magic gun, but she blocks them with some form of force field.]
Hooded Figure: Your attempts at interference are futile, the contest has already begun. We now wait to see to see how it plays out.
[Jarris lowers his gun. He sighs and sees Linkara on the ground, asleep. We then cut to where we last saw him, in his dreams.]
Linkara: [To himself] Ok, good thing I filmed a few reviews in advance; otherwise, some things might be really confusing. Let’s just deal with the fact that Jarris is gone, mysterious lady is gone, messenger dude is gone, and everything feels weird. [The laugh of Freddy Kruger is heard] Criminey, is this the mental crap again? [Angry] God, I hate the mental crap! [He looks over to find sitting on the futon…]
90s Dude [Formerly called 90s Kid ]: Oh, you and me both, dude!
Linkara: The hell are you doing here?
90s Dude: I’m not really here. Maybe, I’m your own mind trying to tell you something. Maybe I’m Margret, but the signal is so weak because of the way the spell is playing out and this is the only way for it to get through. Or maybe I’m the real 90s Dude, who has a secret psychic powers that you’re not aware of! Though, probably not that last one. So, how’s your sulking been going?
Linkara: [Sits on the other end of the futon and groans] I am not sulking, I have been contemplating my decisions as of late and potential ethical breaches.
90s Dude: So, sulking.
Linkara: Margret and I meeting face to face only happened because I was becoming dangerously close to becoming a bad guy. [Sighs] It might have almost happened again.
90s Dude: True, but you didn’t step over the line. Trust ne, I know these things.
Linkara: But you don’t know if it was the entity that made me get that close.
90s Dude: [Shrugs] No.
Linkara: I have so much power; it’s dangerous for me to have that kind of power and now this contest thing. How am I supposed to resist the temptation of that kind of power that the prize will give?
90s Dude: Maybe you won’t resist them; maybe you’ll reshape the entire world to your whims.
90s Dude: Then again, you’ve had the power to conquer the entire world for years now and you haven’t given into that temptation. So…
Linkara: [Frustrated] I just…I worry that someday the temptation is gonna be too great.
90s Dude: Yeah and I don’t know for certain if it is or if what happened was you. But, you can’t change what happened and you don’t make up for it by sitting around, feeling sorry for yourself. Moving forward is what’s important and thus, moving forward, what are you gonna do? If you’re gonna be a champion, what kind of a champion are you going to be?
[Linkara ponders that for a few seconds, but then hears Freddy’s laughter again.]
Linkara: Why the hell do I keep hearing that?
90s Dude: This is a mental battle and it’s the preliminary round for the contest. So, I’m guessing this is how that woman is going to fight you.
Linkara: With a slasher movie character? She looked like she could have just zapped me with lightning.
90s Dude: To be accurate, I think she’s trying to attack you with your own self-doubt, you’ve seen that kind of thing before. Let’s face it, you are kind of vulnerable to the mental crap.
Linkara: But, why Freddy Kruger?
90s Dude: Because, that’s how all this started, with the entity appearing to you looking like Freddy Kruger. You never really got closure on that. So, I must ask again that question: “What are you gonna fo moving forward?
Linkara: [Thinks for a few seconds] I don’t know, but I’ll use my imagination a bit.
[He then grabs his coat and puts it on with his magic gun drawn, 90s Dude is gone. We then see the knived glove on Freddy Kruger in front of the camera as he laughs]
Linkara: Ah, Mr. Kruger, how lovely to see you again. I was just on my way to kick your ass!
[Freddy (who instead of looking like Linkara, looks more like Freddy usually does, but it’s clearly a Halloween mask.) holds his hat on his head with his gloved hand. Linkara fires the magic gun at him, but he steps aside to dodge it. He laughs again., arm and hat covering a good portion of his face.]
Freddy Kruger: Nice try, Linky-Lou! Now, let’s really get you’re nightmare started!
[He tips his hat up and lowers his arm to reveal his eyes glowing, which then turning black. He lunges his knife glove at Linkara, but he blocks it with Saba (The White Ranger’s sword from MMPR) and while the 2 block each others blades, Linkara shoots Freddy with the magic gun in his other hand, but then Freddy disapeares. Linkara looks around the reviewing area for him, but then heads to other room in the basement. After a few seconds of searching, he hears a muffled voice behind one of the doors. Linkara opens the door]
Voice: [In a European accent] …remember about this-
Moarte: You can go now!
Linkara: Sorry. [Leaves the room, closing the door on his way out.]
Moarte: [Looks at the camera] Idiot.
[We then cut to the other side of the door.]
Linkara: [Sighs] Dumbass.
[As he turns around, Freddy slashes his face, causing him to fall down (Like before, Linkara doesn’t having any scars from the cuts. He then pulls out a duel disc from Yu-Gi-Oh and puts it on his wrist. As Freddy gets ready to cut him again, Linkara puts a Yu-Gi-Oh card on his duel disc, which causes another Freddy glove to stab Freddy in the face. Linkara stands up]
Freddy: [Covering his face] Oh, cute, comic boy, you’re not in the real world anymore, you’re in my world! [He slashes Linkara in the chest as we see the cuts soon vanish] And here [Slashes him again] I [Slashes] AM [Slashes] GOD! [Slashes again, causing Linkara to fall back down] You can’t beat me here, bitch, just like you couldn’t beat me out there!
Linkara: [While in pain and clutching his chest] Baby, maybe I can’t. There’s always gonna be someone bigger and stronger and meaner out there
Freddy: What, and that’s you?
Linkara: No, dumbass, [Points behind Freddy] him!
[We then see Jason Voorhees behind Freddy, grabbing him and ramming his machete right through Freddy’s torso. Freddy turns to see who it is]
Freddy: Oh no!
[Jason the starts repeatedly forcing Freddy’s (Or at least, the stuffed dummy meant to be Freddy) against the ceiling. He then beats his head against a wall. Jason then throws him to the floor Jason then puts him against a wall and slaps him several times, causing his hat to fly off. He’s then back on the floor as Jason stabs him a lot Jason then holds him against a wall, put Freddy’s hat back on him and then hits him against both sides of the door frame. Through out the torture, Freddy constantly groans and says “Ow” Linkara then stands back up.]
Linkara: Ok, tag in. Thank you, Mr. Voorhees!
[He has Freddy against the wall. He then turns to Linkara and gives him a thumbs up. He then hits him against the wall one more time.]
Freddy: Ow! [Jason then throws him to the ground as he leaves.] Ow.
[Freddy then stands back up (Now that he’s no longer a dummy). Linkara fires the magic gun at him, but Freddy deflects it with his knife glove. Linkara confidence stat to go away.]
Freddy: [Sing songy] 1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you. [Linkara fires again and Freddy deflects again] 3, 4, better lock your door. [Linkara fires twice and Freddy deflects them] 5, 6, grab your crucifix. [He then holds his glove high, ready to strike] 7, 8, gonna stay up late.
[Linkara tries to aim at him, but Freddy moves it with his free hand, but Linkara manages to aim at his stomach, making Linkara gleeful.]
Linkara: [Sing Songy] 9, 10, you’re going down again!
[He fires. We then see he now has two magic guns (Both look the same, not like Jarris’ other guns) and fires repeatedly. The rapid fire causes Freddy to fall to the the back wall. Linkara then spins his guns in glee. [We cut over to Freddy, trying to get his strength back up, only yo find Linkara now in his Ghostbusters uniform, carrying a proton pack, and wielding a proton wand.]
Linkara: So, here’s a crossover for you, “Freddy Vs. Ghostbusters!” [He turns on his proton wand and fires a proton stream which captures Freddy. Linkara yells.] Mr. Voorhee, tag in!
[Jason them comes back and holds Freddy (who’s a dummy once again). Linkara sends a ghost trap towards Freddy and Jason, which suck them both in.]
Linkara: [To himself] And that is the kind of champion I’m gonna be.
[He then starts to feel pain in his head. We then cut back to the real world, where Linkara wakes up. Jarris gives him a hand up and then the 2 aim their magic guns at Impura, who in turn aims her hands at them, but they are then interrupted by the hooded figure.]
Hooded Figure: Preliminary round has ended. The victor is Linkara. You are both champions worthy of being in this great tournament. Now, you must await your summoning for the 1st true round. Information and dossiers about other participants in this tournament will be made available to you soon, relative to your own universes time scale. Welcome, once again, to the Contest of Champions!
[Linkara Jarris both puts theirs guns down and Impura lowers her hands. She then heads to Linkara.]
Impura: [Smiling with her hand out to shake his] You did well! [Linkara shakes her hand] Good luck and happy Halloween! [She waves good bye and heads down the dark hallway, disappearing. Linkara and Jarris look at eachother in confusion, but then Linkara smiles.]
Linkara: Tournament arc!
[We then cut to black, followed by the end credits. Afterward, we cut to a blooper from the episode where Jarris’s actor, Will Wolfgram, is drawing his magic gun.]
Lewis Lovhaug: [Behind the camera] Do a little more angry.
[He pulls out his guns and fires off screen, but the magazine clip falls out]
Will Wolfgram: Too angry.
[He and Lewis laugh.]