Freddy vs. Jason
October 25, 2016
(The 2016 Nostalgia-Ween opening plays out. After that, we see NC in the prop room watching a set-up stage while holding a notepad and a pen. "Fur Elise" by Ludwig Van Beethoven plays throughout)
NC: Okey-dokey. Uh, Dorothy vs. Alice.
Dorothy: Oh, dear! I don't think we're in G-rating anymore, Toto!
(Malice pulls out a knife and stabs a screaming Dorothy off-screen)
NC: Very nice, very nice. Star Wars vs. Star Trek.
(We next see Malcolm, who's wearing a Star Trek shirt, on stage being confronted by Darth Vader)
Vader: Geordi, I am your father.
Geordi: Oh, so you're a black guy.
Vader: No. Where on Earth would you get an idea like that?
(Tamara comes onstage again, dressed as Ash Ketchum from Pokémon)
Ash: Pikachu, I choose you!
(An animated Pikachu pops up and says its name)
NC (off-screen): ...vs. Ash.
(Ash Williams from the Evil Dead movies (played by Jim Jarosz) comes onstage with a chainsaw. He uses the chainsaw to slice Pikachu to pieces. NC notices the camera)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Vs. battles are everywhere now.
(Images of famous crossover movies, mainly Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, are shown as NC speaks)
NC (vo): At least, in terms of talking about movies. Granted, there was certainly a few in the old days with monster films (King Kong vs. Godzilla), but for years, even when audiences demanded a crossover, it almost never happened. But nowadays, producers are finally waking up and using their copyrights wiser...well, for the most part... (An image of NC's Where's the Fair Use video is shown briefly) ...and getting vs. battles we've always wanted to see (Captain America: Civil War), even if sometimes, we wish we didn't see them (Alien vs. Predator: Requiem).
NC: So this Nostalgia-Ween, I'm trying to see if I can cash in on the next big fad. (Hears Ash crying) Oh, suck it up!
(Ash Ketchum is crying while holding a decapitated Pikachu's head, while Ash Williams watches with a smirk)
Ash: Pokémon Go fuck yourself.
(He leaves as Ash continues weeping over Pikachu)
NC: If you're wondering where a lot of this started in recent years, you could make the very real argument that it was possibly Freddy vs. Jason.
(The logo of the movie is shown, before showing clips from the movie. During the opening thoughts, footage and posters of previous Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies are shown as well)
NC (vo): Like many franchises, these started off from groundbreaking starts and deteriorated to ground-burying corpses, or in this case, the same thing. Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street were horror classics of the 80s that were given so many sequels, they became literally comical. I'm still shocked a poster for Jason Takes Manhattan doesn't look like this.
(The poster for The Muppets Take Manhattan is shown, with Kermit's head being replaced with Jason Voorhees' head)
NC: They got so silly and crowd-pandering that audiences demanded the ultimate crowd-pandering. (Two video games showing Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees are shown) After that. (Posters of the two 3D movies of the two franchises are shown) After that, too. (Two images of the TV shows based on both franchises are shown) Christ, these movies. It was bringing them together!
(We resume showing clips from the movie)
NC (vo): After years of begging, they finally made it happen. And who better to take charge of these two classic monsters than the director (Ronny Yu) of Chucky's comeback with a question mark (The poster for Bride of Chucky is shown, with the caption "Chucky's Comeback?"), and, of course, the warm-up bad Last Airbender movie? (The poster for Warriors of Virtue is shown)
NC: Let's wrap up Nostalgia-Ween with one of the biggest horror crossovers ever. (An image of Kingdom Hearts Re:coded is shown) Good guess. Freddy vs. Jason!
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): It opens with Freddy Krueger remembering the good old days of the bad old days.
Freddy Krueger: (narrating) "The Springwood Slasher." That's what they called me.
NC: (Imitating his voice) I also remember looking twenty years younger, but my memory's weird that way.
NC (vo): The parents burn him alive after the justice system lets him go, and he talks to the audience of what's became of him.
Freddy: When I was alive, I may have been a little naughty, but after they killed me, I became something much, much worse.
NC: (Imitating him again) Sequels. Weird, Power Glove-promoting sequels!
NC (vo): But he brings up that somehow, people have forgotten about him, and he can't exist if people aren't afraid.
Freddy: Being dead wasn't a problem. But being forgotten - now THAT'S a bitch!
NC: (as Freddy) I've become (poster of...) Basic Instinct 2. Yeah, that was a thing...You didn't even know that!
NC (vo): So he uses what's left of his power to bring Jason back to make people remember them, as we're given this pretty classic horror film setup.
(A woman is standing outside a pier next to a lake. She sees someone and exposes her breasts, which are censored by a black bar)
Woman: Is that you?
NC: Okay, now this is something I want to introduce to the younger viewers in the audience. (Clears throat) This is what they used to call a rated R film.
(Various posters of famous movies including RoboCop (2014), Alien vs. Predator, and 10 Cloverfield Lane are shown)
NC (vo): I know you think the most extreme films go up to PG-13, but there was a day when movies went up to R.
NC: They were called the Non-Pussy Years, which ironically had a lot more pussy.
(Posters of Sausage Party and Deadpool (2016) are shown)
NC (vo): Once in a while, there are films that dare to venture into that realm, but as long as Hollywood thinks the teen is the only demographic to exist...
NC: ...they are but whispers.
(Back to the movie, where the woman is confronted by Jason Voorhees)
NC (vo): This Elizabeth Banks prototype is, of course, attacked by the resurrected Jason, causing her to hide.
(In a dark forest, the woman hides next to a tree. She starts feeling the tree to see where she is)
NC (vo; as the woman): Oh, thank God this tree wasn't a person. I'm...pretty dumb.
(Jason suddenly appears and stabs the woman. After that, Jason is met by Freddy Krueger in the form of his mother Pamela)
NC (vo): But it turns out it's just a dream by Krueger, who looks like his mother, who convinces Jason to kill the kids on Elm Street.
Freddy: (in the Pamela Voorhees form) The children have been very bad on Elm Street. Make them remember what fear tastes like! (Suddenly transforms into his normal form)
NC (vo; as Jason): Uh, wait. Shouldn't I be in a space station in the future? (Poster for Jason X is shown, followed by the poster for New Nightmare) And should you be aware that you're a fictional character in a movie? (as Freddy) Quiet, or I'll tell the director of The Last Witch Hunter to give you another reboot! (as Jason) They're really doing that? (as Freddy) Yeah, sorry, dude.
(The movie cuts to the main female teenage characters hanging out at a house)
NC (vo): We then cut to a house in 2003, where...
(NC brings out a box labeled "Dumb Generic Teens" and literally throws the teens out of the box and into the movie scene)
NC (vo): ...these characters are inside, playing "Fuck, Marry, Kill" with the Three Stooges. (Beat) Clearly somebody understands the female teenage mind here.
Kia: Which one had the super bed toupee here? This is stupid.
Lori: Come on!
Kia: Is this what we're doing all night? 'Cause, y'all, this is really stank.
NC: (sighs) Let me guess. She sounds like that throughout the entire movie?
Kia: (various scenes): Drop kick your ass- / ...Froo-froo dogs that keeps humping... / This big old... / Come on, get real! / Let's go shake our ass on the dance floor.
NC: Mm-hm. And, uh, who wrote this film again? (Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, the writers of the movie (who are white), are shown. NC sighs and rubs his forehead) You know, white people, can we just not...white people today? It's exhausting, sometimes - I need a break from us!
NC (vo): Maybe some of this forced exposition will help balance things out.
Kia: No one's gonna ever live up to the fuzzy memory of your first love, Lori. You were fucking 14.
Lori: Yeah, I know we were young, but what Will and I had was real.
Kia: Didn't Mr. Real just drop kick your ass without so much as a goodbye handshake?
NC: Christ, why don't you just pause it and show...
(We see an image of Lori being shown through stats on a video game a la "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic")
NC (vo): ...her stats like a video game character? It's much easier to take...
NC: ...than the "natural human dialogue".
Kia: I mean, Lori, you've barely gone out since...
Lori: Since what? Since my mom died?
NC (vo; as Lori): Or since I realized that represents my broken family character arc. Did I randomly mention I majored in spraying gas barrels and lighting torches?
NC: I hope THAT in no way plays into anything!
NC (vo): So while they all try to figure out which Nickelodeon TV movie they're dressed for, two of them take their sexcapades upstairs, where Jason is waiting.
(Jason appears and attacks Trey in his bed. After stabbing Trey several times in the back, Jason kills him by folding his bed, and Trey himself, in half)
NC: (Laughs) Okay. I'll give this movie credit.
NC (vo): Murder by bed sandwich is not something I see very often.
(The other teens, having discovered Trey's body, run screaming out of the house and into the rainy night)
NC (vo; as a teen): Quick! Let's go out in the rain where our clothes can get tighter!
(The police arrive)
Cop: Do you kids need some assistance?
Gibb: What the fuck do you think?!
NC (vo): The cops think it's more of a coincidence that the murder happened in this house of Elm Street, but they know even saying Krueger's name can give him more power.
Cop: It's gotta be Freddy Krueger.
Sheriff: Hey. Don't even say that son of a bitch's name out loud.
NC: (as the sheriff) We just took care of our Beetlejuice, Voldemort and Candyman problem. When will people learn names are bad?!
NC (vo): They question Lori at the station, while the boy hitting on her swears revenge on whoever killed his friend.
(Blake sits in the bench outside the house)
Blake: I'm gonna take him out myself, Trey. I swear to God.
NC (vo): But the deep-fried Sandman comes in to make things worse.
(As Freddy confronts Trey, he sends out a large Freddy-shaped shadow to attack Trey, but it doesn't hurt or affect him)
Trey: I'm okay. I'm alright. (Runs off)
NC (vo; chuckles): Well, that was a natural thing to say.
Trey: I'm okay. I'm alright. (Runs off)
NC: (as Trey) I just thought I'd calmly alert the audience of that. I'm okay. I'm alright.
NC (vo): Freddy seems to catch the same "talking to the crowd" virus.
Freddy: Not strong enough yet. Well, I will be soon enough.
NC: (as Freddy) That effect did look pretty lame.
NC (vo; as Freddy): I think (image of...) Link's pixelated shadow would've gotten a bigger scare than that.
Link (from The Legend of Zelda TV show): Well, excuuuse me, princess!
NC (vo): But Jason finishes what he started as he cuts off his dad's head so smoothly, it pops off his neck when lightly touched.
(Blake sees that his dad has been decapitated by Jason. The scene of Blake's dad's head coming off is dubbed with the sound of a spring)
NC: Christ, I think Barbie's plastic head is harder to take off.
(Blake ends up being met by Jason)
NC (vo; as Blake): Uh, but I sweared to God I was gonna take out the killer... (Jason kills Blake) Uh, never mind.
(Cut to a man named Will at a mental institution)
NC (vo): Talk of the murders reach a mental institution... (A news report is shown on the TV, with an arrow pointing to the news logo, KRGR) ...on the acronyms attempting to be clever news...where Lori's old boyfriend Will, played by Jason Ritter, watches in horror.
(A male nurse turns the TV off)
Will: Come on, turn it back on, man! I never asked for anything! Just turn on the fucking TV, please!
NC (imitating Dipper from Gravity Falls, who's voiced by Ritter): Grunkle Stan is on another killing spree! (chuckles and speaks normally) It's okay. I got a ton of them in my Dipper joke book. (shows his Journal 3 copy)
NC (vo): Will and his friend break out of the institution, though, to warn Lori and prove they're not crazy. (beat) In the most crazy way possible.
(At school, Mark approaches Lori in a creepy way)
Mark: (singing) One, two, Freddy's coming for you. / Because that's when he comes for you. In your dreams. / He came back. Back for revenge in our nightmares.
NC (as Mark): I'm Mark, by the way. I'm a friend of Will, he's a real sweet guy-- YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
NC (vo): Will finally shows himself by appearing on the other side of the hallway...
NC: Guess Mark was his opening act...
NC (vo): But she (Lori) passes out, resulting in her recovering in the nurse's office, where, I guess...friends can wait.
(In the waiting room, Kia is reading the magazine. Suddenly, Freddy's hand pops out of the page and touches Kia's nose. Freddy himself appears on the page)
Freddy: Got your nose!
(And Freddy tears Kia's nose apart)
NC: (as Freddy) And some shitty CGI!
(It's revealed that Kia was really dreaming)
NC (vo, as Kia): Oh, thank God. I just dreamed our effects were that bad!
(Will and Mark go to the library)
NC (vo): So Will and Mark go to see what they can figure out about Krueger, but it looks like all the information is not available. (It's shown that the information Will and Mark need is blacked out on the computer screen) Or...actually, it is! They just literally black it all out. That wouldn't cause any suspicion!
(We see NC having a conversation with himself, with one NC reading a history book and the other looking at him)
NC #1: Uh, excuse me. (We see an image of all things about WWII blacked out) I noticed everything in this history book about World War II was blacked out.
NC #2: Well, that's because it didn't happen.
NC #1: Oh, okay, I totally accept that. (We see an image of Osama bin Laden scribbled in crayon and a drawing of the World Trade Center being put in the missing spots) Uh, but what about this part where Osama bin Laden is crossed out in crayon and the World Trade Center is put back where it was?
NC #2: Oh, that also didn't happen.
NC #1: Got it. Oh, I'm learning a lot today. (An image of Donald Trump and his VP, Mike Pence, is shown) Oh, uh, what about this guy and his VP claiming they didn't say all these famously recorded things? You didn't black that out.
NC #2: Oh, we don't have to. People just believe that one for some reason.
NC #1: Oh. He did sacrifice a lot. (this is a callback to Wild Wild West)
NC #2: He did, he did.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But Will, strangely enough, has a hard time believing all this.
Mark: They never told us about Freddy because that's how they decided to beat him. They locked up all the kids who made contact with him so he wouldn't affect the others.
Will: That's crazy!
NC: (as Will) That's why I broke out, to warn Lori about this crazy thing I don't believe in. What am I doing again?
(Cut to a large group of teens holding a rave party at a cornfield, with the first footage of the rave being played in slow-motion)
NC (vo): Insert early 2000s blurry cam filmmakers thought would be cool...
NC: Whoa, how come I can't focus on anything? Avant garde!
NC (vo): ...as everyone partakes in a cornfield rave. A...thing? (A caption that says what NC said is shown)
(More scenes of the rave party are shown)
NC: (as a partying teen) Man, this party's awesome! I especially love the crucifying kids over there!
(We see Isaac from Children of the Corn being crucified; NC immediately stops dancing and looks at that. Cut back to the movie; a boy approaches Lori)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, one of the nerdy kids tries hitting on Lori, but Kia tells him to buzz off.
Charlie Linderman: You tear me down to make yourself feel better, because you really hate yourself. You're just kind of pathetic when you actually stop and think about it, assuming, of course, you can think.
NC (vo; as Kia): Well, I don't know about you, but that drew me closer to him.
(Kia dances with Linderman)
Kia: Come on, come on. Let's dance. Come on, Linderman, let's go.
NC: (as Kia) I really dug all that stuff about you saying I'm pathetic. You really know all the lines!
NC (vo): Will finds Lori, though, and approaches her. They seem, though, to have a hard time figuring out what's going on.
Lori: The police have been acting really weird, like they know something and...
Will: Where was your dad?
Lori: What is going on, Will?
Will: Well, look, four years ago, I thought I...
(Kia and Linderman approach them)
Kia: Oh, enough with this bullshit talk! Let's go shake our ass on the dance floor. Come on!
(Lori and Will smile and join the party)
NC: Oh, yeah, screw murder, man! Dance!
NC (vo): It's all about the dancing!
NC: Haven't you learned that getting our priorities straight has never been a priority?
(One of the girls, Gibb, passes out drunk and ends up in one of Freddy's nightmares)
NC (vo): So Freddy tries to go after a passed out girl in her dreams...funny, because being drunk stops R.E.M. sleep...but Jason kills her in the real world before he can get to her.
(Once Jason kills her in the real world, Gibb disappears, angering Freddy)
Freddy: She's mine! Mine! MINE!
NC: (as Freddy) It's like an intern eating the last donut at work! Rude!
NC (vo): Some other teens see Jason and light him on fire, but that just makes him mad.
(A burning Jason attacks the rave party, slashing and killing any teenager in his way)
NC: (shrugs) I got nothing to say. This is awesome.
(Lori and Will escape in their van)
NC (vo): The teens escape, just in time for Will to reveal a big secret.
Will: The reason I was sent to Westin is because I saw your dad killing your mom.
Lori: Will, but Mom died in a car accident.
NC: (as Lori) She stabbed herself repeatedly while driving!
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm not even kidding. He talks about how he sees her get stabbed several times, yet the official cause is car accident. How does anyone believe these half-assed cover-ups?! Sylvester hiccuping yellow feathers would have a better cover-up than you!
(Lori and Will are confronted by Lori's father)
Will: You can't trust him, Lori! Whatever you do, don't go home with him!
(Lori's father grabs Will)
Mr. Campbell: See? You didn't understand! You still don't! You're confused!
Lori: Stop it! Both of you, stop it!
NC (vo; as Will): Both of us? I'm being choked! What am I supposed to stop? Breathing?
(She runs off as her father chases her)
Mr. Campbell: Lori!
NC (vo): Lori finds out that what Will said might - and by might, I mean obviously - be true, as Mark starts to be messed with by Freddy.
(Mark is in the bathroom, with the mirror cupboard open)
NC: Yeah, I wonder what's coming.
(Mark closes the mirror cupboard, revealing Freddy inside the mirror)
NC (vo): No kidding. I thought you really wanted us to focus on the medicine in that cabinet.
NC: Way to catch us off-guard.
(Freddy takes on the form of Mark's dead brother Bobby (Zack Ward), who's lying in a bath filled with blood)
NC (vo): He shows him his dead brother who committed suicide and...wait a minute.
(NC looks closely at Bobby)
NC: Is that the (shows picture of Scut Farkus, played by a young Zack Ward) bully from Christmas Story?
Freddy: (as Bobby) But now, he just won't stop!
NC (vo): Holy smokes, it is! It is the bully from Christmas Story!
Mark: Somebody please wake me up!
NC: Okay, clearly the dialogue mocking him has to be this.
Freddy as Bobby: (dubbed over with Scut Finkus' lines from Christmas Story) What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! Cry! Ha-ha!
NC: You don't need any effects. His yellow eyes are enough.
NC (vo): In case you're wondering, by the way, we're an hour into this hour and a half movie of Freddy vs. Jason. Notice anything missing...?
NC: FREDDY VS. JASON! THERE'S NONE OF IT!
NC (vo): It's like playing a fighting game, except for two thirds of the match, you're watching Dawson's Creek for some reason! It makes no sense!
NC: You know what? I need a break from this bullshit. I'm gonna continue to find a more horrifying team-up! (Goes back to the stage in the prop room and resumes looking at his notepad) Okay. Uh, Joker vs. Joker.
Joker (Ledger): You wanna know how I got these scars?
Joker (Leto): I can't wait to show you my toys.
(Leto's Joker suddenly vanishes, being replaced with a caption "Cut for Intensity")
Joker (Ledger): Oh. Uh, that was easy.
NC: The Ring girl vs. The Grudge girl.
(Samara Morgan and Kayako Saeki (Both played by Tamara) appear on the stage, groaning)
Samara: Get her, Stitch!
(Stitch, voiced by Doug, appears and attacks Kayako)
(Devil Boner (Doug) and Santa Christ (Rob) appear. Santa Christ laughs, until Devil Boner blasts him with his gun)
NC: Devil Boner vs. Chester.
(Chester A. Bum appears with Devil Boner)
Chester: Delighted to meet you, sir.
(DB blasts Chester with his gun)
NC: Devil Boner vs. Devil's food cake.
(That same cake appears on a chair. DB yells and starts eating the cake in an over-the-top manner)
NC: Devil Boner vs. Hyper Fangirl.
(Hyper Fangirl (Tamara) appears next to DB)
Devil Boner: Daah! I cannot see! (as NC looks up in surprise) I'm blinded by such beauty!
Hyper Fangirl: I love you, sugar cube!
DB: I love you, spiky chain!
(The two hug each other and make love sounds, confusing NC)
NC: Hey, hey, hey! You're supposed to be fighting! (A gunshot from DB's gun is heard, making NC flinch) I'll put that down as a draw.
(We fade to a commercial as we continue to hear DB and Hyper make love sounds. When we're back, we see Will, Lori and Kia break into the mental institution)
NC (vo): So the kids are determined to figure out why Freddy was covered up. They sneak into a laboratory where they see all the past survivors.
Lori: Are they dead?
NC (vo): Yeah, they usually give dead people oxygen.
(NC slaps his head in annoyance. We see a bald guard come in and is immediately killed by Jason)
NC (vo): But the human version of Droopy goes to see what's going on and gets axed off by Jason, all while Freddy tries to take over the mind of one of the teens.
(Bill, a stoner, is confronted by Freddy, who is taking on the form of a strange combination of snake and a dog-like creature)
NC: Man, that's what Jack Black sees in the toilet every day.
NC (vo): So Freddy takes control of him, or this kid's testicles dropped twice...
(Will sees the Freddy-possessed Bill, who speaks in a very low voice)
Freddy as Bill: Let me handle this, bitch.
NC (vo): ...as Freddy drugs Jason up and knocks him out, resulting in him ending up in Freddy's world.
(Inside Freddy's nightmare, coated in pitch red, Jason battles with Freddy, cutting off both his arms)
NC: (as the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) 'Tis but a scratch.
(Freddy grows his arms back quickly and fights with Jason)
NC (vo): We finally get a fight between these two, and honestly, it is a little cool. Though Freddy throwing in pinball sounds is a little much.
(Freddy throws Jason around, with pinball sounds heard in the background)
NC: (as Freddy) You know, I'm only doing this to you because (shows an image of...) Michael Myers won't return my calls.
(Freddy knocks Jason to the ground)
Freddy: Why won't you die?!
NC: The chant every critic gives when one of these comes out.
(Several pipes burst and water starts flowing out of them, as the color filter changes from red to green)
NC (vo): It goes from red to green because...Christmas?...as Freddy discovers Jason is afraid of water, reducing him down to literally a crying baby.
(Freddy taunts Jason, who has his mask off and is now a child cowering on the floor)
Freddy: How sweet. Now there's a face only a mother can love! (Shows Jason's decapitated mother's head as he laughs)
NC: (confused) Freddy... Teases Jason? (The poster for the film is shown with NC's title)
NC (vo): So Lori agrees to go inside the dream to bring Freddy into the real world so Jason can kill him. (Lori is shown sleeping next to an unconscious Jason) Because as we all know, when you sleep really close together, you dream the same dream. Um, science.
Lori: Just give me 15 minutes and wake me up.
NC: (as Lori) And where's my Inception bwom? (The "bwom" note plays)
NC (vo): She goes inside Jason's dream, where she sees Freddy torturing him.
(Having seen the young version of Jason being tortured by kids, Lori approaches two camp counselors having sex)
Lori: Aren't you going to help the kid?
(The male counselor reveals himself to be Freddy, who's holding a dead woman in his hands, with the woman's breasts being censored)
Freddy: It's not my fault this bitch is dead on her feet. (Laughs and waves the dead woman's arm)
NC: (Laughs) You know, that wave is so happy, they should run it at the end of Beverly Hillbillies.
(The scene of Freddy waving the woman's arm is shown alongside the ending credits of Beverly Hillbillies)
Singer: But now, it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin. / They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in.
(The teens are shown arriving at Crystal Lake)
NC (vo): They drive to the camp where the first Friday the 13th took place...because who knew that Crystal Lake was right next to Elm Street?
(We cut to a reenacted clip of Batman v Superman, with Angry Joe as Superman)
Superman: It's literally across the street!
NC (vo): ...as she (Lori) saves and wakes up Jason, only to also find out that Freddy possessed her dad to kill her mom.
(Lori discovers Freddy having killed her mother)
Lori: Freddy! It was you!
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess that's the big shocker in this movie.
NC: You know, if I pretended that was a good twist, would you...? No, you have nothing to offer, I'm just calling that dumb.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the teens never learn that in a horror film, you keep a lantern away from gasoline...
NC: What the hell is a lantern in 2003?
NC (vo): ...which just gets Kia, d'oh, so mad!
(As the cabin they're in starts to catch on fire, Kia attacks Jason with a bat)
Kia: Oh, you fucking asshole! Goddamn it!
NC: That does not sound like someone going against a killer. That sounds like someone annoyed that they lost their Netflix login!
(He replays the clip of Kia attacking Jason)
Kia: Oh, you fucking asshole! Goddamn it!
NC: (as Kia while swinging his arms) I just discovered The IT Crowd, too!
NC (vo): So they look for any weapon they can find.
(Linderman attacks Jason with an American flag on a pole. Cut to the Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes commercial)
Old Man: America.
(Jason throws Charlie away)
NC (vo): But Lori manages to wake up while bringing Freddy with her...
(Lori wakes up, with Freddy in front of her)
Freddy: You little bitch.
NC: ...Dream science. (Fun fact: This was actually first shown in the 6th Elm Street movie, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare.)
NC (vo): ...as we finally get the big showdown we were promised.
(Freddy and Jason fight each other in the burning cabin. We then cut to Kia taking care of a wounded Linderman)
Kia: Jesus, Linderman.
NC: Yeah, please! Go back to the kids! Clearly we haven't seen enough of them!
NC (vo): Why don't you just call it (poster of...) The OC and a cough that kind of sounds like... (coughs) Freddy vs. Jason?
NC: If you're gonna sucker us in, you might as well do it under your breath!
NC (vo): So, of course, Freddy chases after the teens because... (scoffs) why would you want to see him fight Jason?
(Freddy confronts Will and Lori at a pier)
Freddy: Think you're so smart, huh, bitch?
NC (vo; as Freddy): You know, I use that word a lot. I really got to learn how to expand my vocabulary. It's mostly 'bitch'-based.
(Freddy turns to see Kia, then looks at Lori and Will, before walking over to Kia)
NC (vo; as Freddy): I, er, ee, um...guess I'm going over here.
Kia: Tell me something. What is with the butter knives? You trying to compensate for something?
(Freddy gives a somewhat creepy grin)
NC: (Laughs) Oh, wow! I think that's the scariest face he's made throughout the movie.
NC (vo): That's just longing to become a meme. (Two captions are shown below Freddy's grin) Like, "Walmart has edible panties, you say?"
NC (vo): "I farted, and it smells exactly how I look."
NC: Do what you want with it, Internet. It's on me.
(Jason suddenly appears and kills Kia)
NC (vo): Finally, Jason's like, "Piss off, bitch! My movie!", and they get to some real fighting.
(Freddy and Jason fight; with Jason throwing a big punch on Freddy that sends him flying. More scenes of Freddy and Jason fighting are shown)
NC (vo): To be fair, when they actually do fight, it is kind of fun. I like how he (Jason) slams him through, like, a dozen windows or (Freddy) fires air tanks like torpedoes. Even Jason's crotch apparently is so hard, it hurts Freddy's foot.
(In an earlier part of the fight, in the burning cabin, when Freddy kicks Jason in the crotch, he yells in pain)
NC (vo; as Freddy): Oh, my God! What are those made of? Those Chomp Balls from Mario 3?!
(Cut back to the later part of the fight, with Freddy standing on top as Jason watches)
Freddy: Hey, asshole!
NC: (as Freddy) Oh, I should've thrown "bitch" in there.
(A loud thump causes Freddy to fall and become caught in a moving barrel which swings around with him on it, even making him lose his hat afterwards)
NC (vo): Freddy Krueger, everybody. The Master of Nightmares hanging like a Christmas ornament on a broken tree. (Lori and Will are shown igniting propane tanks on fire) But our Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom of this picture light the bridge on fire, blowing them up, which, of course, is only like a light fog to them.
(Freddy is about to kill Lori and Will, until he is stabbed by Jason from behind; Jason then falls into the river)
NC (vo; as Jason): And I'm out. Next battle will be whose reboot is worse. (as Freddy) It's yours! (as Jason) It's yours!
Lori: Welcome to my world, bitch!
NC: (as Freddy) You know it sounds cooler when I say it, right?
(Lori decapitates Freddy's head)
NC (vo): It all seems to be over, until Jason walks out, holding Freddy's head.
(As Jason walks away holding Freddy's head, Freddy looks at the camera and winks at the viewers as his laugh is heard. The Looney Tunes theme comes up as the scene of Freddy waving the dead woman's hand is shown, before the image switches to Castor Troy from Face/Off shrugging as the "That's All Folks!" caption appears. Clips from the movie are shown as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): I’ll give this movie this. When it’s actually Freddy vs. Jason, it is fun to see. It’s goofy and over-the-top, but that’s what you’d expect from these movies by now. Everything else, though, is just kind of dull, which sadly, you’d also expect from these movies by now. The idea of grown-ups covering Freddy’s existence, even to the point of torturing innocent kids, is kind of an interesting idea, but it never really goes anywhere. It’s mostly just dumb teens being dumb teens and that’s not what we wanted to see. We wanted to see two monsters kick each other’s asses. And when it does that, it’s great. But when it doesn’t, it turns out a long haul that started a lot of cool crossovers, but definitely came from a rocky start.
(NC is back in the prop room)
NC: And, at the very least, it was rated R! I'm so sick of all these PG-13 movies trying to be R, but not having the cojones to go all the way.
(Michael Bay, played by Doug, and Zack Snyder, played by Walter, appear)
Bay: Now, you hold on a minute there, sir! That is rude!
(NC sighs and rubs his forehead)
Snyder: Yeah. Zack Snyder and Michael Bay here. We're the kings of PG-13! We take great offense to that.
NC: Christ, you two are the reason so many R films are few and sucky now!
Bay: We represent the best in corrupting young 13-year-old minds.
Snyder: Yeah. It's the age when they're smart enough to accept the best, but lazy enough to still accept the worst.
Bay: Why, that's my thought, too!
Snyder: No kidding!
Bay: We should talk more.
Snyder: Come on.
Bay: It's nice.
NC: No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't do any talk-- (Suddenly, he stops as dramatic music plays, and the camera gets closer to him with each sentence he says) Wait a minute. A need for destruction. The lack of effort in writing. Not having a good story or characters in the least, and yet somehow always turning out a hit! By God! I've discovered the ultimate terrifying team-up!
Bay and Snyder: Who?!
(Cut to a parody of a commercial, with Snyder and Bay doing crazy dance moves with explosions as the background, and clips from their movies to prove the said points)
Announcer (Malcolm): Snyder and Bay. The most horrifying combination of terror ever. Witness them destroy the minds of any child who sees their work.
Bay: Remember, if violence isn't the answer...
Snyder: ...Then you're doing it wrong.
Snyder: Come on.
Announcer: Fear their ability to make the most amazing things suddenly seem boring and dull.
Snyder: Hey, Bay. I only have five explosions for the scene of two people talking.
Bay: Oh, well, here. (Hands him small explosions) Take three of mine.
Snyder: Oh, wow! Thanks!
Announcer: Ponder their lust for trying to make the military look good, but always somehow make them look like morons.
(Clip from Pearl Harbor is shown)
Rafe: They call it an homage, sir.
Doolittle: A what?
(Cut to Man of Steel clip)
Carrie Farris: I just think he's kinda hot.
(Back to Bay and Snyder)
Snyder: Now that's good writing.
(Bay puts his hand on Snyder's shoulder. The latter notices and places his hand on top of Bay's with a smile)
Announcer: And flee in terror from their never-ending use of hot women to distract from the obvious truth.
(Snyder and Bay are standing in the left part of the screen as the clips start focusing on the men, mostly bare-chested)
Bay: Uh...what's that?
Announcer: Well, it just looks like you're clearly overcompensating.
Snyder: For what?
Announcer: Um...you really don't know?
Bay: That I don't know what?
Announcer: I mean...we all discover things in our own way, but don't you think you guys might be...just might be...
Snyder: Might be what?
Announcer: ...Nah, I shouldn't rush it. You'll figure it out when you figure it out.
Snyder: Whatever. You're my Bay.
Bay: Oh, thank you so much.
(They slowly move closer to each other, until Snyder points at something off-screen)
Snyder: Oh, hey, look! Megan Fox!
(They look to their left)
Bay: Oh. Oh, yeah, she's hot.
Snyder: Yes. Attractive.
(Cut back to them doing some more crazy moves in front of explosions)
Announcer: Snyder and Bay. Because you'll watch them. For some reason, you'll watch them!
(NC pops up into the scene)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and don't say I didn't give you anything scary this Nostalgia-Ween.
(And the review ends with everything, including NC, exploding. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Kia: Y'all, this is really stank.