Freddy Got Fingered

Freddy Got Fingered
Aired	September 4, 2018
Running Time	37:56
Previous Review	Old vs. New: Teen Titans vs. Teen Titans Go
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/freddy-got-fingered-nostalgia-critic/

(Following the Channel Awesome logo, cold-open on the words "Nostalgia Critic Presents", channeling No Country For Old Men)

NC (vo): (low voice, almost mumbling) I was reviewing movies when I was 25 years old.

(A montage of shots of NC's surrounding neighborhood is shown, with morning light breaking)

NC (vo): Hard to believe. Some of the old critics never even wore a gun. A lot of folks that were YouTube comments find that hard to believe. I always like to hear about the old critics. Never miss a chance to do so. Can't help but compare yourself to the old critics. Can't help but wonder how they'd operate in these times with these films. There's this movie. Papers say it was a film of passion, but the director said there wasn't any passion to it. Not in the sense that we think: a passion for something good. He wanted it to be bad, a new kind of bad we've never witnessed. And I don't know what to make of that.

(Now the montage arrives at the front door of NC's studio)

NC (vo): I surely don't. It's not that I'm afraid of it.

(Cut to inside of the studio, where NC is seen seated and staring at something in his hands: a copy of the DVD release of Freddy Got Fingered)

NC (vo): But I don't want to push my chips forward and go and confront something I don't understand.

(In front of him, Jim is talking on the phone)

Jim: Yeah, he's here. I don't know why he didn't answer any of our calls. He's just been sitting here, looking at a movie. (NC gets up from his seat and walks up behind Jim) All right, I'll see you guys when I get the shoot.

(Jim hangs up. The next thing he knows, NC has put the Freddy Got Fingered DVD in front of Jim's neck and pushes it hard against his throat, trying to strangle him with it. In struggling to break free, Jim falls down, while NC, still holding the DVD to Jim's throat, gnashes his teeth. Then NC walks out of the studio, taking the DVD with him. Outside, Rob is sitting in his car and sees NC walking up to him)

Rob: Critic, are you okay?

NC: Step out of the car, please.

Rob: (seeing DVD in NC's hand) What's that?

NC: (smiling) I need you to step out of the car.

(Rob rolls his eyes and then gets out of his car. He faces NC, who smiles at him)

Rob: (trying to look at DVD) What is that for?

NC: Hold still. (holds up index finger to Rob) Please.

(Rob stares, then turns to the side briefly. NC then blows in Rob's direction, and a bullet somehow blasts through Rob's forehead, spurting blood everywhere. Rob's eyes roll up and he falls over, dead. Later, NC drives down the road to a video rental store)

Clerk (Walter): Welcome to Fam Video. We don't know how we're still around, either.

(NC, frowning heavily, walks up to the clerk and examines his name tag: Freddy)

Freddy: Oh, returning a movie? How was it?

NC: (low voice, almost mumbling) What business is it of yours how the movie was... Freddo?

Freddy: I didn't mean nothing by it.

NC: (mockingly) "Didn't mean noth..."

Freddy: Will there be something else?

NC: I don't know, will there?

Freddy: Is something wrong?

NC: Is that what you're asking me? Something's wrong? What if I saw a comedy so bad it changes your perception of bad altogether... You think you've seen every type of shitty humor, gross-out humor, anti-humor... Epic Movie. But then one comes along that is not only bad on purpose, but it elevates bad to a new level you didn't even know existed. A level that embraces misery to a point that you have to laugh. So, I guess it's working, 'cause it makes you laugh. But it only makes you laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. You laugh... because you have no choice. You laugh... because it's destroying you.

Freddy: What kind of film could do that?

(NC sighs, then places the DVD disc face-down on the counter)

NC: Call it.

Freddy: Call what?

NC: Just call it.

Freddy: You want me to call what the movie is?

NC: Think of the only film that can be impressively bad, yet leaves no joy. Can get a laugh, even though it's not funny. Can expand someone to a new level of awful he wants to escape, yet is constantly drawn in by. What type of bad creates a world so painful that you stay in it, because it's so fascinating.

Freddy: Oh, that's Freddy Got Fingered.

(NC turns the DVD over to show the movie title to Freddy)

NC: Well done.

Freddy: Okay, then, I'll just put this back on the shelf.

NC: Oh, don't put it on the shelf.

Freddy: Where am I supposed to put it?

NC: Anywhere, but not on the shelf. Or else it gets mixed in with the others and just becomes another movie. (they stare briefly) Which it is.

(NC then leaves, and Freddy suddenly notices a grenade on the table)

Freddy: (picking up grenade) Oh, hey, you forgot your grenade! (NC doesn't answer, and Freddy becomes aware of what's going on) He didn't forget this, did h–

(The grenade explodes, killing Freddy and blowing up the video store, which NC has long since left, as the explosion happens behind him; cut to the title card "Freddy Got Fingered", then cut to NC, sitting in a corner of his house, hanging his head. He looks up into the camera)

NC: Tom Green.

(The footage featuring the Canadian comedian Tom Green is shown)

NC (vo): In the early 2000s, he became very popular for his unique brand of anti-humor. Some called him an attention-desperate whore, while others called him...

NC: ...Everybody called him an attention-desperate whore, but his fans didn't seem to care.

NC (vo): Partaking in shocking stunts most normal people wouldn't do like sucking a cow's teat, humping a dead moose or marrying Drew Barrymore only got him more popularity. To his credit, there were occasional funny bits like following pizza delivery boys to offer the same pizza for cheaper, demonstrating how to camouflage yourself by blending into the audience, this was a guy who had some comprehension of comedy. But his favorite brand of humor was just being shockingly odd: putting things in his mouth...eh, um...things in his mouth, and...yeah, it was very mouth-based. After he starred in a hit film, (The poster for the 2000 movie Road Trip is shown) 20th Century Fox gave him a movie to write, direct and star in with very little interference. The only thing they seemed to put their foot down is that it couldn't be NC-17.

NC: In that, "we'll still shoot an NC-17 film, we'll just have to bribe the MPAA more than usual to not have it be rated NC-17".

(The title for the movie Freddy Got Fingered is shown, followed by its clips)

NC (vo): It was destroyed by critics, failed at the box office and won several Razzie Awards, of which Tom Green accepted the awards, even bringing his own red carpet.

(The clip of Green's interview to the reporters after a 2001 Razzie Award ceremony is shown briefly)

Tom Green: From day one, when we started writing it, said, uh, "We wanted to win a Raspberry Award", so... So, uh, it's...I'm glad my dream has come true.

NC (vo): Whatever you thought of this guy, he had a plan, and he achieved it.

NC: (shrugs) Whatever it was.

NC (vo): The film, over the years, has been getting a cult following of people saying it's a unique kind of bad, one never truly seen at cinema. A "so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's good; and that good is so bad, it's bad". Was there actual clever thought put into how purposefully terrible this was? Did it reach a new level of awful that you can actually admire the technique of it?

NC: "Admire" (sighs) is a bad word to use, but I can think of no other in my current state of Shitholm Syndrome. Let's take a deeper look with Freddy Got Fingered.

(The movie starts. Note: throughout most of the review, NC sounds very disinterested. In Portland, Oregon, we see a cartoonist named Gordon Brody, played by Green, on his bed, looking at his drawing of a superhero cat shooting lasers from his eyes through a tree and into a robber's direction)

Gord: X-Ray Cat. (imitates gunshots) "You can't get me, you can't get me!"

NC (vo): We get a glance at what John Kricfalusi now does with his time, as we see our main character named Gord, played by Canada's punishment, leaves his home during the credits to do some 90s zing.

(Having left his house, Gord skateboards in a shopping mall, causing passengers to crash into each other, as the song "Problems" by Sex Pistols plays. At some points, the frame freezes and even zooms in)

NC: I think the editor was drunk because, you know, he's doing Freddy Got Fingered, but he left in...

NC (vo): ...these weird freeze frames because, you know, he's doing Freddy Got Fingered. Who cares? This whole intro shows that Tom Green can skateboard, reinforcing the rumor that he is, in fact, good at something. I call it fake news.

(Gord rides outside the mall to talk to his parents, Jim Brody and Betty Menger, and his younger brother, Freddy)

Betty: Gordy, honey!

NC (vo): He meets up with his parents, played by Rip Torn and Julie Hagerty, who are really wishing right now they had anyone's career that wasn't Rip Torn or Julie Hagerty.

Jim: I believe in my son. You be a good man.

NC (vo): Gord says he's going to Hollywood to become a famous animator like Charles Schultz...

Gord: I'm gonna be a famous animator like Charles Schultz.

NC (vo): ...who was a comic strip artist, not an animator.

NC: I'm not implying you don't know this, I'm implying Tom Green doesn't know this.

NC (vo): And we see this dialogue is so repetitive, it's borderline funny. In fact, you can measure the amount of laughter it almost gets by how many times they say the word "proud".

Jim: You make your daddy proud. You hear me?

Gord: I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy.

(The line that shows the color going from red to yellow fades into the scene. Four captions are written above: "This Sucks", "GOD This Sucks", "STOP SUCKING, YOU SUCK!!!" and "Slight Giggle". The smiley face with an unsure expression slowly goes from the beginning of the line to the end of it as the scene continues)

Gord: I'm gonna make you so proud. (gets in a convertible named "LeBaron")

Jim: You make your daddy proud.

(NC is shown also looking unsure)

Gord: You're gonna be so proud.

Jim: Proud?

Gord: Proud. (starts up the car and sees a pedestrian running on his way) Get the fuck outta the way! (as he honks, the smiley face quickly goes back to where the line starts)

NC: Yep. See? That was close. But then it...continues to exist.

(Driving to Los Angeles, Gord sees a stud farm. The camera goes to a close-up of a horse's penis (it is censored by a bar with a caption "Get Used to These Censor Bars") and gets excited. He stops...to try and milk the horse)

NC (vo): On his way there, he sees a horse dick, screams, pulls over and jerks it off.

NC: Life has given me that sentence to report to you.

(Gord touches the horse's penis, which is again covered by a bar that now says "Get REALLY Used to Them")

Gord: Oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer!

NC (vo): There's no reason for why he pulled over, screamed and touched that horse, and it never comes back into the movie again.

NC: I've never been so happy to have a scene not explained to me.

(We are shown the place where the place of Gord's dream job is located: Radioactive Animation Studio)

NC (vo): He makes it to Radioactive Animation, or, as the rest of the world calls it, Sony Studios, (The posters for Surf's Up, The Emoji Movie and Open Season and the shot from Smurfs: The Lost Village are shown) but he first gets a job at a cheese sandwich factory, where he does this.

(As the song "I've Gotta Be Me" by Sammy Davis Jr. plays, Gord, after entering the Hollywood Cheese Factory, stands up on a moving conveyor belt, grabs a big sausage and puts it behind his legs. The female workers pay no attention to this)

Gord: I'm a sexy boy! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! (One worker slowly bends her head aside to make way for Gord's...ahem...sausage)

NC: How would you like to put that on your resume? "I was the woman..."

NC (vo): "...who got slapped by Tom Green's salami dick".

NC: You deserve an Oscar just for being near him.

(Gord goes into the studio to have a meeting with its CEO, Dave Davidson. The latter's receptionist, played by Drew Barrymore, asks Gord why he needs to talk to Davidson)

NC (vo): He sneaks into the studio where a secretary, played by Drew Barrymore, talks to him, which is impressive, because the film is now presenting four to five failed career choices in one continuous shot. You're just suddenly reminded of all the wrong things these two actors did in their lifetimes.

Gord: His wife is dead.

Receptionist: What?

NC (vo): He tells Cousin Itt (The bowler hat is Photoshopped into the receptionist's head) that he's there to tell one of the head honchos that his wife is dead. As well as inform them that the color corrector has died, seeing how these two shots clearly don't match up. (Two shots of the receptionist, one darker, another brighter, are shown back-to-back) I guess you could argue this brightness contract and green tint is part of the purposefully bad filmmaking, even though it doesn't happen anywhere else in the film...

NC: But I like to think they're in the Matrix...

(The image of Morpheus appears in the scene)

NC (vo): ...and Morpheus is going to erase the glitch that is Tom Green. (as Morpheus) What if I told you you're annoying as balls?

Gord: Could I be your boyfriend?

Receptionist: (pushes Gord back angrily) Get outta here!

Gord: No...

Receptionist: Fuck! Off! You're a skinny loser!

NC: (smiling) He-hey. I think this is how they divorced.

(The receptionist very comically yells at Gord)

NC: Definitely how they divorced.

(Wearing a police officer's uniform, Gord enters the restaurant where Davidson is)

NC (vo): He finds the head of the studio, played by Anthony Michael Hall, who's slowly realizing Weird Science might be the most normal thing he's ever been in.

Gord: (panting) My name's Gord, and I want to meet you to show you my drawings.

Davidson: Your drawings, yes?

NC: To make things stranger, I swear there's a heavier version...

(The green arrow points at the customer in the background, who is very similar to Davidson and has exactly the same haircut and costume, minus the shirt)

NC (vo): ...of Hall sitting directly behind him. It's like a yin and yang of The Breakfast Club, even down to wearing the exact same suit, but with black and white shirts; which is also ironic because you both look like you're auditioning for (poster of...) Cobra Kai.

NC: I'm not saying this film is dumb enough to do that, I'm saying this film is not smart enough to be that dumb.

(Gord and Davidson walk outside)

Davidson: Okay, so let me get this right. You wanna just barge into a restaurant dressed like a fucking English bobby and expect someone to give you a TV show?

NC: (as Gord) Why not? It's how I got this movie.

NC (vo): Paul tells him that while the drawings are good, nothing funny is happening and he needs to flesh out the characters more to make something of worth. This is literally before he goes back home and we find out more about the characters that are going to be in most of the movie.