April 28, 2018
Todd plays "Freaky Friday" on the piano.
FREAKY FRIDAY - LIL DICK ft. CHRIS BROWN
A pop song review
Todd: You know, I've reviewed a lot of different genres on this show, but we've got something special today. We're gonna review...a comedy song! That's right, get ready to listen to some wacky hysterical comedy music with some hilarious jokes that will make you pee your pants with laughter! Are you ready for some humor? (Honks on his comedy horn) But of course, this is still a review show, so not only are we gonna get some laughs, I'm going...to criticize it! That's right, I'm gonna explain why those jokes that apparently everyone thinks are funny are actually offensive and not funny at all. You heard me. We're about to get #PROBLEMATIC up in here! I wanna die.
Todd (VO): Now, to be clear, I am not saying we shouldn't analyze and criticize comedy. Jokes are extremely powerful and important, so I think it's a real vital thing to understand jokes and criticize them, harshly if necessary, if we're gonna understand our own beliefs and values and what effect we have on the people around us and what kind of world we wanna live in.
Todd: But what I am saying, is that doing so is completely unenjoyable for everyone! It's not enjoyable to write, or to read, or to listen to. Either you're gonna disagree with me, in which case, I'm a buzzkill shitting on your good time, or you agree with me, in which case, you were already offended and not enjoying yourself. So, I can make this promise to you, this episode is gonna be 100% no fun! Not for me or for you or for anyone else in the universe, it's going to be miserable. I'd rather skin my own feet with a carrot peeler! In fact, I don't remember why in God's name I decided to do this.
Chris Brown: I woke up in Chris Brown's bodyTodd: ...Okay...Before we get to...that guy, we need to go back a little.
Lil' Dicky: This is me coming at you as a man right now, let me freak youTodd (VO): This is Lil' Dicky. Up until apparently a few years ago, he was apparently just some marketing guy, and he was trying to break into writing for Hollywood, so he started making comedy raps, and apparently his mixtapes took off so hard that he's just decided to do this full-time. And apparently people really like him, but before this year I don't think he ever had that big "Dick in a Box" style viral breakthrough. I don't think I would've known who he was myself, but I just kinda kept randomly running across him on Spotify.
Todd: This was his most famous single, "$ave Dat Money."
Lil' Dicky: The rap game got it all wrong, We ain't 'bout to go and spend money just to flex on 'em, We ain't really got it like y'all (Yeah, baby!)Todd (VO): Like, you know how rappers are constantly talking about how much money they spend? Well, he's talking about how much money he saved! Haha?
Lil' Dicky: Drugs are generic but still work the same, I get logins for Netflix from my cousin GregTodd: ...I've already heard this joke.
Macklemore: That’s 50 dollars for a t-shirt, Limited edition, let’s do some simple additionTodd: A few times, more than once.
Kendrick Lamar: Renting is for suckers right now, A dependable savings, And you'll retire with money in your accountTodd: It's not like a total waste but it's been done.
Todd (VO): Although, there's one major element that Dicky brings to the table.
Todd: Greedy Jew jokes!
Lil' Dicky: You ain't heard of Lil Dave, Yung L the Jew biz major?/I'ma get on Yelp in a minute and review this piece of shit place like only a kike know howTodd: Heh heh heh...look, he's the Jewish one, I'm not (As far as YOU know.) If he wants to make those kind of jokes, that's his perogative. I'm just saying, a lot has changed in the few years since he recorded that, so he might wanna back off a little. I told you this episode was gonna be no fun! If you're still here, that's your fault!
Fetty Wap: Ayy, where the gold at, baby?Todd (VO): It's not the worst thing ever, I guess. The big reason it worked for me is the same reason "I'm On a Boat" worked. Because the beat was hot, and he got an actual big name rapper to do the hook, and you could almost mistake it for a real rap song.
Todd: ...I did mistake it for a real song. I actually don't listen to music all that closely, it took me, like, four listens. I'm actually terrible at this, why do you guys even listen to me?
Lil Dicky: Cheltenham, It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around
Snoop Dogg: So real shit you ain’t never had to struggle for muchTodd (VO): But yeah, pretty much all his songs are in that vein apparently. Ooh, look at me, I'm rapping, isn't that funny? I'm lame and Jewish! A middle class white guy rapping.
Todd: The very idea!
Todd (VO): Like I said, I've seen it. Rap cliches are such cliches at this point that even the parodies of the cliches are cliches now. I can't say I was bothered or offended or anything. At least not until we got to the magical year of 2018, when he made a record with his new best friend!
Lil' Dicky: And on that day, me and Chris Brown would change bodies.Todd (VO): This is his new single with Chris Brown, "Freaky Friday." And it is a huge hit. I'm fairly certain it doesn't have any radio play, but it's been in the Top 10 for weeks now. And that's probably because the charts weigh YouTube much more heavily now, but still, for a comedy song, this is huge.
Todd: See, let me give you the premise to this song. The premise is, Lil' Dicky is now big enough to work with Chris Brown, and Chris Brown hasn't had a hit in a while and has to work with Lil' Dicky. Actually, that'd be a pretty good premise for a joke song, but that isn't what we got.
Todd (VO): The real premise is, you know, he's down on himself.
Woman: You're a rapper?
Man: Nah, he's not, like, a rapper rapper, he's like, a funny rapper, he raps about how, like, how small his dick isTodd (VO): And then so is Chris Brown, and then they switch bodies, like in Freaky Friday. Now, Freaky Friday is already shorthand for body-switching, so they don't have to make any direct references, but it looks like specifically we're going with the magic fortune cookie from the Lindsay Lohan version. Which is also #PROBLEMATIC.
Todd: We're not gonna get into that because I loathe myself enough already.
Todd (VO): And then they wake up in each other's bodies, and then, here's the joke. It turns out, being Chris Brown...
Todd: ...is an absolute dream come true!
Chris Brown: I woke up Chris Breezy, Oh my God I'm the man, I'm so fly and I can danceTodd (VO): Being a man envied by everyone around you! Because Chris Brown lives an amazing life! Chris Brown drives awesome cars! Chris Brown bangs the hottest chicks! Chris Brown has a huge penis!
Chris Brown: I look at my soft dick with the light, It's my dream dick!Todd: Yeah, cause I have never heard Chris Brown sing about his own penis in my life before.
Chris Brown: Oops, I said "On my dick," I ain't really mean to say "On my dick"Todd: Look...the whole Chris Brown controversy...
Todd (VO): I realise I'm the only person left who cares anymore. Even I'm tired of myself at this point. The assault was, like, 10 years ago now. I really wish the world had dropped him off the radar, but that battle's been well and truly lost, there's no point in fighting it anymore.
Todd: We're all just gonna live our lives...
Todd (VO): ...and let Chris Brown guest star on family sitcoms like it's NBD. Makes my stomach turn, but who am I to judge? I still sing R. Kelly songs when I hear them. Not that I'm proud of it, but I do. I went to see Pirates 5 just like everybody. And it sucked. So I got that out of my conscious, plus I got to watch a shitty movie.
Todd: My point is, I don't have room to call out anyone for letting Chris Brown keep being famous. But...
Todd (VO): ...this isn't a song "by" Chris Brown, or "featuring" Chris Brown.
Todd: This is a song about Chris Brown.
Todd (VO): This is a song where everyone sings about how great it is to be Chris Brown. You don't get to be the most famous domestic abuser alive and have other people write music about how much they wish they were you. No, no, no, I reject this entirely!
Todd: ...We gotta draw the line somewhere, people!
Lil Dicky: If I was Chris Brown, where would I be? What would I do?Todd (VO): Oh, I would think of many things I would do if I were in Chris Brown's body. Start issuing some long-overdue actual apologies, donate my money to womens' shelters, punch myself in the balls...
Chris Brown: I can sing so wellTodd (VO): And since Dicky appears to have retained all of Chris Brown's talents, I'd be a little worried I got his tendencies for violence too, so maybe I'd just lock myself in the basement until everything wore off. Never too safe, you know.
Todd: That does not appear to be what Lil' Dicky sees as the best thing to do in Chris Brown's body.
Chris Brown: Wonder if I can say the N-Word, Wait can I really say the N-Word? What up, my, What up my, Big ups my, Cause I'm that...Todd: (lightly honks the horn)
Chris Brown: (n-word)Todd: Haha, good joke. This appears to be Dicky's understanding of what it means to be black. You have a big dick, and you have free access to the N-Word, and apparently Dicky is real jealous of both those things (#PROBLEMATIC) Yeah, yeah, it is #PROBLEMATIC, but more importantly it's also #COMPLETEFUCKINHACK. You got some jokes in there about women drivers or leaving the toilet seat up or airline food?
Todd (VO): Meanwhile, Chris Brown in Lil' Dicky's body notices that he does not have a large penis.
Lil Dicky: This shit is real weak, how his dick stand perched upon his balls like that?Todd (VO): Man, that guy at the beginning was right, Dicky really likes dick jokes. But despite that, Chris Brown likes being Lil' Dicky and decides to go out to enjoy some white privilege and anonyminity. Sure, why not, fine. That's kinda clever I guess.
Lil Dicky: Walking down the street and ain’t nobody know my name (whoa), Ain’t no paparazzi flashing pictures, this is great (whoa), Ain’t nobody judging 'cause I’m black or my controversial pastTodd: [Todd's brain crashes]
Lil Dicky: Ain’t nobody judging 'cause I’m black or my controversial past, I’ma go and see a movie and relax (woo)Todd: You know, I'm...
Todd (VO): ...constantly amazed that Chris Brown survived the Rihanna assault scandal. Not even because of what he did, but because of all the other things that made it a perfect storm of bad PR. All the ways that other celebrities get away with doing terrible things, were things Chris Brown didn't have. His victim wasn't anonymous, she was famous and well-liked, and the damage was horrifying, and there were photos everywhere so everyone saw it. And he couldn't, and didn't, deny it. And worst of all, he just couldn't stop himself from reminding people of it! The unspoken rule of celebrity scandal is that you shut the fuck up and let it go away and absolutely nothing will happen to you. But Chris Brown kept bringing it back, and back, and back, and he still didn't take any consequences! And now, here we are, not only did his career survive, here he is making a gag reference to it in a fucking joke song about how awesome he is!
Lil Dicky: Ain't nobody judging 'cause I'm black or my controversial pastTodd (VO): Right next to, "Oh no, he's judging me for being black!". And also, my "controversial past!". Yeah, those are totally the same thing, him being black and his...
Todd: ..."controversial past," what kind of bullshit is that? He "controversially"...
Todd (VO): ...punched a woman in the face and sent her to the emergency room, and then got arrested over and over again after that! In fact, "past?" What past? There's no past, it's still happening! He's admitted to stalking women. Less than a year ago, his ex-girlfriend took out a restraining order on him, which he violated as recently as last month!
Todd: Fuck you, Chris Brown! But more importantly, fuck you, Dicky!
Todd (VO): This joke could've been made with anybody. With Usher, or The Weeknd, or goddamn Florida Georgia Line! But no, you had to go with one of the most abhorrent people in music! What, were Phil Spector or Charles Manson not available?
Todd: What the Hell is wrong with you? Okay, got that out of my system. That feels better. And, uh...
Todd (VO): ...looks like we got half the song left. Let's see where it goes!
Chris Brown: I just facetimed Kanye, told him I'm his biggest fan, got all these hoes in my DM, Ballin' on the court, Oh my God I can dunk, snap a pic of my junkTodd (VO): Okay, a big problem is that neither Chris Brown nor Lil Dicky are great actors, so I don't really feel like i'm watching them switch bodies. I just see Chris Brown in his own body. I mean, I'm pretty sure he spends every day in a constant state of self-regard anyway, so this is just him on a normal day. And, uh...isn't the whole point of Freaky Friday that they learn to appreciate each others' struggles? That doesn't seem to be happening. Is the body-switching the end of the joke, or...are we going somewhere with this?
Lil Dicky: Walked up to that motherfucker
Chris Brown: Wait, think it through for a sec, If you hurting me then you only hurting yourself
Lil Dicky: But wait, I love myself
Chris Brown: That was the key, now we switchin' back!Todd: ...That was the point?!
Lil Dicky: But wait, I love myselfTodd: What'd we teach Chris Brown to love himself for?
Todd (VO): Holy crap, Chinese restaurant guy, what was your deal? Did you try to teach Hannibal Lecter to have more self-confidence?
Todd: I can think of more important lessons, is the point!
Todd (VO): And then, we just start going crazy, like he's just gonna start jumping into random people. Cause Lil Dicky has celebrity connections now and he knows how to use them!
Ed Sheeran: And now I'm in Ed Sheeran's body, It's way less cool than being Chris Brown wasTodd: ...You know what? I'm not even mad at Lil' Dicky. He's an up and coming comedian. He's gotta do that hustle if he's gonna get big, and if it means writing a song about how great Chris Brown's penis is...I don't like it, but I get it. But Ed Sheeran is a superstar at the height of his fame!
Ed Sheeran: It's way less cool than being Chris Brown wasTodd (VO): He had no need to suck off a downward-trending violent moron like Chris Brown!
Todd: What's his excuse?
Todd (VO): Then there's DJ Khaled
DJ Khaled: I'm DJ Khaled! Why am I yelling?Todd (VO): Getting that paycheck for one line as per usual. And then, finally...Kendall Jenner.
Kendall Jenner: I'm Kendall Jenner, I got a vagina, I’m gonna explore that right now (woo, woo), Holy shit, I got a vagina (uh), I'm gonna learn, I’m gonna understand the inner workings of a womanTodd: (faintly holds up and drops the horn)
Todd (VO): Okay, what I think the joke is is that saying the word "vagina" is funny. You know, that's just comedy gold right there. But what's really funny is they couldn't get an actual singer to do that line, cause even in the record industry no woman has so little dignity...
Todd: ...that they'll sing about their own vagina for Lil Dicky.
Todd (VO): I don't even know what Kendall Jenner is doing here, it's not like she's subverting her public image or anything, there's no comedy in her being here. And she already gave us one of the greatest pieces of comedy ever last year...
Todd: ...so she's not gonna top that anytime soon.
Chris Brown: In Chris Brown's bodyTodd (VO): Look, Lil Dicky's entire persona revolves around self-deprecation.
Todd: And I love self-deprecation, I do. As do most pathetic losers. See? There was some right there.
Todd (VO): But, he really, needs to get a second joke in there. Or at least, I don't know, make that one joke funnier. I told you this was gonna be no fun and it really was no fun. I didn't enjoy a...
Todd: ...second of that. Ugh, just play the end of the video so we can leave.
Kendall Jenner: I got a vaginaTodd (VO): Oh wait, no, no, no, don't, don't...
Todd: ...play the end of the... ugh, God. I need a shower (Gets up and leaves)
Closing Tag Song: "I'd Like to Be You for a Day" - Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster
"Freaky Friday" is owned by Dirty Burd Records.
This video is owned by me.
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!