Freak Force 1

Freak Force #1
Released	June 21, 2010
Running time	16:34
Previous review	Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse 1-2
Next review	Chain Gang War 1
Tagline	It's 90s Kid's turn to fend off a comic! ...or, rather, help it along, it seems...
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/freak-force-1/

(90s Kid is seen sitting on the Futon instead of Linkara)

90s Kid: Duuuuuuude! Welcome to the newest, bestest, most awesome episode of Atop the Fourth Wall (leans in close to camera) EVERRRRRR!!!

(AT4W title sequence plays, but with 90s Kid humming the theme and singing)

90s Kid: (singing) Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where 90s Kid rocks! 90s Kid's gonna tell you all 'bout the most awesome comics ever made! Brodsky, you are a genius! Liefeld, you are my god! Anybody know what rhymes with "genius"? Or with anything else in the theme song? 90s Kid! He is a man! No, wait, he is a kid! (stops singing awkwardly) Uh, wait! Aren't I 90s Kid? Wh-Why am I talking about 90s Kid as if I'm not actually here? Whoa! This is getting, like, really meta or something. I'm sure the theme song is, like, some sort of voice. I forgot what I was saying. (song starts to end) Oh, theme song's over! Um, (sings) 90s KIIIIIID!

(Title card for this episode is displayed, set to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit")

90s Kid: Duuuuuuudes! And chicks. I'm 90s Kid, and I've been asked to talk about this awesome comic! (holds up the comic in question) "Freak Force #1"! (waves it around in front of the camera) Let's dig in.

(The cover is shown)

90s Kid: Oh, my God, this cover is awesome, man! They're all running at the reader! Making them run is so much more interesting than showing a scene from the book itself. And just look at these guys! (looks closely at Barbaric) This one's HUGE! He must have huge guts or something! (looks at Superpatriot) Then there's this righteous dude wearing a flag and having a GUN for a HAND!

90s Kid: (putting his hand over his heart) I am totally in favor of adding guns to the American flag. (takes hand away) It's so needs that kind of an update to make it relevant to my interests.

90s Kid (v/o): And let's not forget that this comic is full of CHICKS! And because it's full of chicks, that means it's full of BOOBS! And some of those boobs are totally outlined in their clothes, as if they weren't even wearing anything at all! (looks at Ricochet) Oh, except for this chick, who does not have boobs outlined in her clothes. Therefore, she isn't interesting, though she does show her legs, so I guess it's worth something.

90s Kid: Dudette, get with the now! Only guys read comics, and guys aren't interested in your legs, only your boobs!

90s Kid (v/o): This comic was made by the best company ever, Image Comics! And it was during their renaissance, which also happened to be right when they started! Well, okay, this was made a year after they started, but that was, like, so their renaissance! Oh, and the Freak Force itself? Here's their origin: they're from Erik Larsen's other superhero book "Savage Dragon", and they were part of a government experiment or something for something, but it totally backfired on the government!

90s Kid: (holding up comic) Wow! It's so original!

90s Kid (v/o): So, the comic starts in New York, and there's this redhead wearing striped green pants, which kind of makes her look like she's mint-flavored. She looks up and sees the big guy from the cover [Barbaric], only he's smaller now, and he's on the fire escape. She's all angry about it and goes to her apartment.

Redhead: This isn't a day care center--they should know better.

90s Kid: Cha! Giant muscle dudes go on the top of the Christmas tree, not the fire escape.

Redhead: What's that big ape doing on the damn fire escape?!?!

90s Kid: (looking up in thought) Clearly, he was pondering if it would be wise to add more pouches to his huge shoulder pad. For the record, the answer is, CHA!

90s Kid (v/o): This must be, like, a really tiny apartment, too, since the rest of them are all standing in front of the door when she comes in. And... (zooms in on the woman's striped green) Whoa, anyone else getting kinda dizzy from those pants now? Whoa... So she apologizes for yelling and stuff, but everyone's stressed out because they need a new apartment or something.

Mighty Man: Look, I'm sorry this isn't working out. We're really trying to pull something together...

Redhead: Yeah, well, you're looking a little tense yourself.

Mighty Man: It's not that. I just... uh... have to go to the bathroom.

Redhead: So? OH!

90s Kid: (laughs uproariously) I don't get it.

90s Kid (v/o): So, the girl with the V thing on her forehead [Dart] says they can get money after they call an old friend of theirs. Wow, that was such an awesome scene! It told us so much about these characters, like how the blond guy in the Doctor Strange cape has to use the bathroom! So, the guy who has to go to the bathroom and the chick with the green Zubaz go into another room, where there's this other chick, but she's like a dinosaur or something [Horridus].

Redhead: Hey, kid, what'cha watching?

Horridus: I'm not really sure. I think it's one of those alien-type science-fiction movies.

90s Kid (v/o): They're really shocked as they look at what she's watching, and there's, like, moaning and lots of "Oh baby..." and stuff.

90s Kid: Oh, I get it. (laughs) She's watching MTV.

90s Kid (v/o): So that scene did a lot, you know? The lady in the flight jacket [Ricochet], who suddenly has awesome shoulder pads, tells them that their money problems are over. So, like, the blonde lady with the shiny boob outfit tells them that they called Savage Dragon, and he's faxed them over a bounty they can hunt!

90s Kid: Wait, they called Savage Dragon, but we don't get to see him? You could've had a crossover! Suddenly, this comic seems a lot more bogus.

90s Kid (v/o): So, she tells them about this guy, Major Disaster, who's an eco-terrorist.

Dart: He can manipulate pollutants in the atmosphere to form virtually anything.

90s Kid: Whoa! This guy can make, like, an Ace of Base album out of old beer cans.

90s Kid (v/o): So, it turns out he gives warning to the oil and chemical companies he attacks before he hits them. Dude, what a nice terrorist! We cut to a chemical plant... THAT BLOWS UP!!! Oh, and it's got the awesomest sound effect ever: "DOOM! DOOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOOM!"

90s Kid: And as we all know, Doom is the most awesomest game ever made during everness!

90s Kid (v/o): Major Disaster is awesome, too. His head's on fire and stuff! So, the guy with the tiny bladder comes in to talk to him. Turns out his name is... Mighty Man.

90s Kid: Really? Mighty Man? Dude, no one's going to take you seriously with that name. You need to at least add the word "blood" to it. Possibly "strike" as well. "Stryke", with a Y.

Mighty Man: I hear the shrinks in prison are quite effective.

90s Kid: Whoa. What a totally convincing argument for him to surrender! I don't know how Major Disaster could possibly respond to that!

90s Kid (v/o): Oh, dude, he's got skulls in his eyes, and he, like, makes a fire fist! And more awesome sound effects! "KRAKK!" It's the extra K in "KRAKK" that makes all the difference, you know? Otherwise, I wouldn't be convinced that Major Disaster punched him. Whoa, that patriotic gun dude has a ponytail! That's so hardcore!

Superpatriot: Damn! Flames in the way--this position's no good. We can't get at him!

90s Kid (v/o): Uh, wait, you can't? Um, dude, he's wide open, and you've got, like, a gun for a hand. So, the big guy picks up the flag guy and THROWS HIM INTO THE AIR!!

90s Kid: Now, that's what I call "freaky"! (a long, awkward pause follows) 'Cause th–they're called "Freak Force", you know? (another pause, then 90s Kid looks offscreen) Um, dude?

Pollo: (offscreen) Oh, right, sorry.

(The sound of canned laughter is heard; 90s Kid laughs along silently)

Major Disaster: You should be with me, not against me!

Mighty Man: Spare me the dogma! You're taking human lives trying to realize your goals! I can't condone that -- period.

90s Kid: (as Mighty Man) I can only condone it when people who are legally allowed to kill other people are trying to realize their goals. (beat) Wait...

90s Kid (v/o): Major Disaster wraps Mighty Man up in... uh, chocolate? The woman with the awesomely huge shoulder pads comes in and knocks Major Disaster down. Apparently, her name is Ricochet. (pronounces it "Rico-CHET")

90s Kid: And no, not "Ricochet". (pronounces it properly) I said "Rico-CHET". "Ricochet" is too obvious and not hardcore enough.

90s Kid (v/o): With Ricochet's distraction, the flag guy can come up and AIM HIS GUN HAND! But then Major Disaster's all...

Major Disaster: I think not!

90s Kid (v/o): And then he CHOOOs him, and then a WHOOM! And finally a DOOM!, WHONNK!, TZAKKA-TZAKKA-TZAKKA-TZAKKA, HWAKK!

90s Kid: Or, to make a long story short... (makes several gyrating sound effects with his hands, mouth and whole body, finally culminating in him falling over) I think that about sums it up, what about you?

90s Kid (v/o): Well, okay, like the stripper lady with the big cleavage electrocutes him, then the big red guy punches him and he's knocked out! Oh, and it turns out Major Disaster's clothes were all made from pollutants, and now that he's knocked out, the clothes are disappearing.

90s Kid: Whoa. That costume must've smelled really bad.

90s Kid (v/o): So Shiny Boobs Lady comes in and– Wait, what happened to her tiara thing? Anyway, she tells them that this was a disaster.

90s Kid: (holding up index finger) A major disaster. (awkward pause) 'Cause that's his name?

Pollo: (offscreen) No. That one was just stupid.

90s Kid (v/o): She's mad because they didn't work as a team.

90s Kid: Well, then, clearly, she did not see the big red guy's brilliant tactic of throwing the flag guy up in the air. I mean, that was totally necessary for their victory.

90s Kid (v/o): Anyway, what we're looking at here is a classic example of truly deep comics. See, instead of showing that the heroes are competent and likeable and junk, we have a person on the team yelling at the others because they suck. This is truly the stuff of great comic books, dudes. Nothing is more entertaining than watching someone whine about how the team is stupid. It shows deep, rich and unique characterization.

90s Kid: I mean, how many other Image comic books did this in the early '90s, right? That's right, ALL OF THEM! That's how magnifique this trope is!

90s Kid (v/o): So we cut to... uh, bricks? I don't know. Hey, look! "FF"! "Fantastic Four", man! Oh, wait, Freak Force. But still hardcore! Uh, so, like, now they talk? I don't know. Suddenly, I'm really bored.

90s Kid: (holding up comic) This comic sucks! (suddenly smiles as he points at camera) Psyche! This comic is AWESOME! However, because I'm so bored at page... what is that, 21? (looks at comic briefly to see) Yeah. Let's go do something MUCH MORE INTERESTIIIIING! (goes over to a video game console in the room) We're gonna play some SEGA GENESIS! The Sega Genesis is the most awesome video game system EVER MADE! And we're gonna play (holds up the back end of a game cartridge) Justice League Task Force! (beat, then turns cartridge around to show front)

(90s Kid takes out a game in the cartridge, which is Shaq-Fu, and replaces it with Justice League Task Force; the titles come up)

90s Kid (v/o): It's totally the same as reviewing "Freak Force", because, like, they both have "Force" in their name. So, it starts out, like, with no music. Wait, where's the music?

Darkseid: (appearing on the screen) You will never defeat me. (90s Kid looks shocked) I control the technology. I have the power to control your mind.

(90s Kid looks shocked, his eye twitching, as the title appears)

90s Kid: (abruptly smiling) DUUUUUUUUUDE!

90s Kid (v/o): So let's start with the hardest settings, because, you know, I'm hardcore, and we'll play as Batman, because Batman is also hardcore!

(In the game, however, The Flash clobbers Batman, knocking him out, and the game over continue screen appears, counting down to zero)

90s Kid (v/o): Uh, that was weird. LET'S TRY AGAIN! Superman!

(The fight now is between Superman and Batman, with 90s Kid controlling Superman, but Batman defeats Superman)

90s Kid: (grinning) THIS GAME IS AWESOME! It's hard, which means it's much more interesting to play! So badass!

(90s Kid plays again, this time as Green Arrow, but The Flash again defeats him)

90s Kid (v/o): Okay, maybe I should turn down the speed and difficulty. (90s Kid is now playing as The Flash, who defeats Aquaman) Ha! Now I'm winning! But the cool thing is that it's okay.

90s Kid: And now, I'll just keep playing.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

(Credits roll as 90s Kid keeps playing)

In all honesty, this thing isn't as bad as others I've done... but it isn't as funny as it thinks it is and it's terribly cliched.

I have TWO copies of Shaq-Fu.

Also, I said "SHET" not the word I'm sure you all thought I said.

(Stinger: This video is being watched by Harvey Finevoice and Pollo; Harvey is aghast)

Pollo: And it just goes on like that for about an hour.

Harvey: What is wrong with you?! When I said, "Do you need me next week?", part of that was the implication of "Do you have some sort of freak you wouldn't rather replace with someone talented"!

Pollo: The episode has already hit the Internet. Nothing we can do.

Harvey: Ugh! Fine, but you better let me handle next week.

Pollo: No. I've discovered a time-delayed message from Linkara that he made in case he ever went missing or was killed. He has already picked his successor.

Harvey: Shouldn't you be more worried about finding the kid?

Pollo: Don't worry about it. I'm close. I finally located an energy trail. Give me about two weeks and we'll have him back.

Harvey: (softly) Seriously, why?

(end)