So, I'm sitting there tending bar, when in walks someone I don't see very often, Fox McCloud.
Now, of course, he's part of the Starfox crew, so he goes on missions very often. But, once in a while he does drop by the actual bar. But there's always sorta this... mystery to him. You know, not too many people knew much about him. So, I decided I'm gonna find out a little bit more about him.
So, I serve him his drink and I ask him, "'Ay, Mr. McCloud! What've you been up to?"
And he says, "Oh... I been going through some real personal discoveries."
And I said, "Really? IMAGINE, someone going through a personal discovery here at the Pixel Palace." (Dominic rolls his eyes.)
So, I asked him, I said, "What about?"
And he says, "Well... Just sorta what I like and what I don't like..."
And I said, "What do you mean?"
And he says, "Well... It's hard to explain, but, uhm... I'm having sort of a change in, uhm... species."
And I go, "Species change?"
And he goes, "No, no no. Not quite like that. I'm not going through any operations. I mean, Lord knows we all know Carrot Top used to be an orangutang, and I'm not doing anything like that!"
And I said, "Well, what are you talking about, then?"
And he says, "Well... Recently I just had this real fascination... with humans."
And I say, "Well, okay. I guess that's not too bad. I mean, how do you mean 'fascination?'"
And he says, "I don't know. Just something about them! How... soft they are, the size of their eyes, the way they're designed, everything about-- Just a strange fascination with them!"
And I said, "...Are you a human-y?"
And he says, "Yes, that's exactly what I am, a human-y. Someone who has a fascination with human life forms."
And I said, "Oh! Oh, okay. So, uhm... So you like to get it on with people, then, eh?"
And he says, "That is a stereotype! Absolutely not true! Sure, there's some animals out there that like to get it on with people, but it is a stereotype that human-ies are a part of that!"
And I said, "Look, Mr. McCloud, there shouldn't be any shame in it. If that's what floats your boat, it floats your boat. That's how you were born."
He says, "No! Has nothing to do with it! I'm not that kind of person."
And I said, "Okay, well... What does a 'human-y' do, then?"
And he said, "Well, the main thing that human-ies like to do is we like to dress up like humans. You know, the lower-case human-ies just sorta tuck in their tails and wear human ears on the side of their heads. But, the higher class human-ies, they take it a step further. You see, they actually get masks! Even full on body suits that just cover their entire body. Totally furrless!"
And I said, "Wow!"
And I said, "What kinda humans do you dress up as?"
And he says, "Well, if you wanna go really easy, you go for Ken. You know, like Ken and Barbie? 'Cause, you know, he already sorta looks plastic. If you wanna get a little more complicated, you go for a puppet like Howdy Doody. Or any of the main characters from Corpse Bride. You see, the more smooth and plastic-y it is, the more popular it is. It's all about having no fur. If there's any fur in it, we want it gone."
And I said, "Okay, well, what do YOU go dressed as?"
He says, "I go dressed as Jessica Rabbit. Sort of a 'cross-human-y' if you were. I mean, let's face it, she doesn't exist, so she already sorta looks smooth and plastic-y already!"
I said, "Now, hold on. You're... You're dressing up as Jessica Rabbit."
And he said, "Yeah."
And I said, "Th... There's no sexual issues with this at all?"
And he says, "No."
"...Are you sure? Because i-it sounds like there's some sort of sexual undertone going on here."
And he says, "Nope! Not at all. I... just like the dress."
And I said, "Okay, as long as you're sure, well... What else do you human-ies do?"
And he says, "Well, we like to get together and play games and talk to one another... Make jokes, sodomize one another, and then, usually go out and have a bit of dinner."
And I said, "Oy oy oy, hold on, hold on... What was the middle part?"
And he said, "Oh, we like to go out for dinner."
And I said, "No no no. Before that."
And he said, "Oh... We sodomize each other."
And I said, "Okay... That. Is. Sex. That is sex. This is a sexual thing!"
And he said, "No it isn't."
And I said, "YES IT IS! You just said you had sex with other people!"
He goes, "Yeah..."
And I said, "..That makes it a sexual thing!"
He says, "No it doesn't."
I said, "Why not?!"
He says, "'Cause we're in costume. It's our other identities doing it, not us doing it. Therefore, it's okay."
And I said, "Look, I'm sure there's human-ies out there that enjoy being a human-y without doing anything sexual with it, there's no sexual connection. But, you are not one of those people! You... CLEARLY have some issues!"
And he said, "Look, if I want to get dressed up as Catwoman every other night and get it on with another human-y dressed as Batman, that's my prerogative! But it's not a sexual thing! Just because there's sex in it, doesn't make it a sexual thing!"
I said, "I think that's the definition of 'it's a sexual thing!'"
He said, "NO IT'S NOT!"
I said, "Okay... Whatever works for you, mate."
So, we sat there in silence for a little bit, not saying a word to each other. And I decided to bring it up to him.
I said, "You know, people have something very similar to what you're talking about."
He says, "What do you mean?"
I say, "Well, I don't know if it's always a sexual thing---"
He says, "IT'S NOT A SEXUAL---"
I said, "Okay okay!"
And I said, "But there are people who have a real fascination for dressing up as animals! And, they are, in fact, called furries."
He through his drink in my face and told me to piss off.
And that's the last I ever saw of him. Very interesting psyche, that one. Has the same self-esteem as anyone ELSE who's come in this bar. But, it's like my mother used to say. The only thing worse than not knowing is knowing.
...My mother's a furry, that's-that's why I know that.
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|