Forest Warrior

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November 18th, 2014
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(After the usual opening, we start off with the Nostalgia Critic looking at something in a binder when Film Brain pops up from under the camera in his own room)

FB: Hello, Critic!

NC: (looks at Film Brain) Oh, hi, Film Brain.

FB: Wait, why aren't you afraid? I mean, this is supposed to be our crossover review.

NC: I know, I know. Just gimme a second.

FB: But we've been building this up for years! You know how this is supposed to go. You act all afraid and I'm all creepy and hilarity ensues.

NC: Yeah, I know. I just need to figure something out.

FB: But I have spent months writing our comedic banter! I even wrote a song about why you should join me!

(FB pushes a button on his phone which plays "And now I think we should do a crossover together or I'll kill you!")

NC: Well, this is more important right now.

FB: What is it?

NC: (sighs and puts the binder down) You know how we're reviewing a Chuck Norris movie today?

FB: Of course, it's Forest Warrior, the only film where he literally turns into a bear at the end of it (spoilers). It's a classic! In fact, I was actually thinking, maybe you could do your old joke about shouting, "A-CHUCK-A-NORRIS!!!!!!"

(As he says that line, we are shown that original picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks, while a high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music '"A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIS!")

FB: You know, that bit. That's fun.

NC: Yes, but you see, that's the old me. The new me wants to find new obnoxious memes to be associated with him.

FB: Like what?

NC: I don't know! (picking the binder up again) That's what I've been trying to figure out! What's he been up to lately?

FB: Let's see. (FB checks his phone) Oh. Apparently a lot of gay bashing.

NC: Really?

FB: Yeah, he wants to keep gays out of the boy scouts and (a news article with the headline "Chuck Norris Accuses Obama of Turning the Boy Scouts Gay" is shown) he hates same-sex marriage, and he's lashed out against what he calls "pro gay school propaganda?"

NC: Oh, my poor, gentle kinder giant. How the world has turned against you since my last review.

FB: Wait, you're for this?

NC: He's just misunderstood! Everyone's jumping to conclusions. Film Brain, we have got to cement this image of Chuck Norris that you and I grew up with!

FB: But how? This is pretty damning evidence!

NC: (sighs) If only the world knew he just wants people to be as perfect as he is.

FB: Yeah, I guess. Maybe he just wants everyone to have a little Chuck Norris in them.

NC: Wait a minute. That's it! Film Brain, my beautiful British buttercup! You just hit the nail on the head!

FB: Oh, how?

NC: He just wants every man to be like Chuck Norris, right? So, our new slogan should be, "Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man."

FB: My god, that's brilliant, and in no way can be misinterpreted!

[As NC and FB speak, we are shown Photoshop pictures of Chuck Norris in the way NC and FB describe]

NC: Whenever he walks around shirtless and sweaty, people will think to themselves, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man.

FB: Whenever he trims his beard in a way that's normally associated with leather bars, people will think, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man.

NC: Whenever he poses like he's giving a massage to a dummy with surprisingly handsome facial features, people will think, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man.

FB: Oh, and don't forget about the Boy Scouts.

NC: That's right. Chuck Norris doesn't want the incredibly dignified image of the Boy Scouts to be ruined.

FB: He's the kind of guy who just wants to help every boy he can.

NC: Exactly! That's why we can say with no humor whatsoever, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every boy.

FB: I feel good about this, Critic!

NC: Not as good as Chuck Norris does in every boy!

FB: So what do you say? You ready to take on one of his greatest opuses?

NC: Of course. I think we've done well to restore dignity back to his name.

FB: Well, let's take a look at Forest Warrior, or if you prefer, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in hard wood.

NC: I do prefer, Film Brain. I do prefer.

FB: I thought you might.

NC: He's gonna love this!

(Clips of the movie play)

FB: (v/o) This movie was produced at the height of action stars making movies with environmental messages; well, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal anyway. You might recall Seagal directing On Deadly Ground where he blew up an oil rig for the good of the environment. Yeah, you try and figure that one out.

NC: (v/o) This film, however, is not directed by Chuck Norris, but rather his younger brother Aaron, the director of the humble and meek classic Sidekicks. I can just see how that conversation went.

NC: (v/o; as Chuck Norris) "Hey, brother, you did such a great job kissing my ass in the last film. What do you say you do it again, only this time, dress me like Tiger Lilly."

FB: (v/o; as Aaron Norris) Can I at least get one shot of you not in slow-mo?

NC: (v/o; as Chuck Norris) Don't you ever ask me that again!

FB: So are you ready to give yourself to the spirit of the mountain?

NC: Only if Chuck Norris is putting himself in it.

FB: This is Forest Warrior.

[The movie begins at a campfire at night, with various children listening to a story told by a man named Clovis, played by Roscoe Lee Browne]

NC: (v/o) We open with a bunch of 90s haircuts listening to a story told by the narrator of Babe.

Clovis: He was married to an Indian girl. She was waiting for him in a cabin on the mountain. She had a fever.

(Cut to Christopher Walken in the famous "Cowbell" sketch from Saturday Night Live)

Christopher Walken: And the only prescription is more cowbell.

(The audience laughs. Back to the film, where Clovis continues telling his story, as the main character, John McKenna (Chuck Norris) is shown, dressed in a Native outfit)

Clovis: And he had ridden his horse to death. Get back with medicine for her.

NC: (v/o) Yes, after picking up a costume from Epcot Native American World. Seriously, his name is Jedediah McKenna, but I think Jedediah Springfield had more dignity than him in that getup.

FB: (v/o) He doesn't seem to be carrying any medicine either. What, was the water jug medicine? Do they have liquid either profane back then?

NC: (v/o) Don't worry, she's not actually a character.

[The story cuts to night, during a rainstorm]

Clovis: A gang of cutthroats, hired by timber agents from the Northern Pacific, were waiting for her. They wanted his trees for railroad ties, but he wouldn't sell and he wouldn't deal. He was Indian Land.

NC: (v/o) Yes, and as we all know, there's no other trees in the Pacific North West.

FB: (v/o) Well, none were stable.

[A clip from The Happening is shown]

Elliot Moore: We're just here to use the bathroom.

[Back to the movie, where McKenna senses danger and runs off, just as a man with a gun appears]

Clovis: He could sense the danger, but by then, it was too late.

FB: (v/o) He sensed the danger because it was right next to him! How could he miss that guy? Is Chuck Norris too manly to slightly look down?

[The man shoots his gun at McKenna, who dodges easily and begins fighting the men]

NC: (v/o) Thankfully, he has the Native-American kung-fu to fight them off with.

Clovis: McKenna fought them in the way of the Indian, plunging and spinning, grappling and swirling.

FB: [confused] Isn't that also the way that ballerinas fight?

[The fight continues, with McKenna continuing to easily gain the upper hand]

NC: (v/o) And all those poor cutthroats have are their useless guns. [sighs] I suppose they could hit him with their handles or use them as spears, but, I'm sorry, they're completely useless against Chuck's fists of awesomeness!

FB: (v/o) I'm just amazed he ran a marathon, yet somehow, he's still able to take on six armed men.

NC: Well, it's Chuck Norris. For him, fighting six guys is like the water you drink in the middle of a run.

[However, near the end of the battle, McKenna gets shot by a man]

FB: (v/o) But in a strange twist, Chuck Norris ends up dying in the first five minutes.

NC: (v/o) What?!

FB: (v/o) Yep. He gets axed off pretty early when they finally remember how to use their guns.

[Photos of the characters of the 1990 film Ghost are shown as Chuck Norris dies]

NC: (v/o) Oh, God. Tell me he doesn't spend the rest of the movie pursuing Demi Moore, somehow winning Whoopi Goldberg an Oscar.

[The film cuts to show a bear dragging McKenna's body to a forest filled with somewhat magical elements]

FB: (v/o) Nope. Instead, a bear drags him to Ferngully, where forest magic literally brings him back to life. Although, in reality, this bear would probably be using his beard for toilet paper.

NC: (v/o) It does look unnaturally absorbent.

[Several animals are shown as McKenna comes back to life]

Clovis: The bear, the wolf, the eagle. He could become all of them. In the Indian legend, shapeshifter.

FB: (v/o; as Clovis) Oh, sorry, children. I accidentally mixed this up with the story of Manimal, but while we're at it, did you want to hear about a hero so powerful he only lasted one season?

[We go back to the campfire with Clovis and the kids]

Clovis: Well, that's enough for now.

NC: (v/o; as a kid) Lamest meeting of the Midnight Society ever.

Boy: Mr. Madison?

Clovis: Yeah?

Boy: What's a shapeshifter?

FB: Well, I'll give you a clue: it's in the fucking word.

Clovis: He has the ability to take the shape of those creatures he loved in life.

Girl: He never got to see his wife again. [smiles] That is so sad.

[NC and FB are both confused]

NC and FB: Then why are you smiling?

[The film cuts to a town meeting, hosted by a logger Travis Thorne, played by Terry Kiser]

NC: (v/o) We see later a town meeting going on about a lumber company who's looking to -- what else -- cut down the trees.

Travis: We can only bring prosperity and hope for our future here in Tanglewood.

[A woman stands up from the audience]

Woman: Excuse me, Mr. Thorne. Thorne Lumber Company stands to benefit a whole lot. What about our alternatives? What about the wildlife? What about our nature conservancy?

FB: (v/o; as the woman) What about my cartoonishly large lip injections?

Travis: My harvesting proposal, it's going to change this town around, and that's what we all want, isn't it?

[The audience applauds in agreement. A country band then suddenly comes onstage to perform a tune]

NC: [as Travis] Hey, now, I ordered a hoedown. I'm pretty sure this is a hootenanny.

FB: (v/o) That's Terry Kiser from Weekend at Bernie's as the bad guy, making it clear there are worse roles you can get than playing a dead guy throughout an entire film. He even has Bulk and Skull-style sidekicks.

[Clovis is attending the party]

Clovis: Hard to believe that boy comes from these parts. He's driven by nothing but greed.

FB: Bringing in the streets when he can help a dead town? [scoffs] What an asshole.

[A group of kids from the campfire are sitting down at the party as well]

Boy #1: What do they want to do to our mountain?

Boy #2: They're just gonna pick it clean, bonehead.

Boy #3: I guess we just gotta let the town council decide if that Thorne guy can log them out.

Boy #4: My dad's a logger, too, and he'd never, ever cut down those old trees.

Boy #3: Mr. Madison said those trees are six, eight hundred years old.

NC: (v/o) Boy, these kids seem bizarrely interested in the politics of lumber labor.

FB: (v/o) What kid would give a shit about this? They're more concerned about what Pokémon they're going to trade next. [An image of a Pokémon Sudowoodo is briefly shown] Unless the woods are Sudowoodo trees, I don't think they would care much.

[A girl named Austene meets her father]

Austene: Hey, where have you been?

Father: I got delayed.

NC: (v/o) While the kid's father, played by Michael Beck, shows up late as apparently he's been getting drunk all night.

FB: (v/o) Yeah, I'd be drinking, too, if I was in Xanadu.

Austene: You need some sleep.

[Austene is seen in her bedroom praying]

NC: (v/o) She takes him home, sits him on the couch, and prays to...not God, not Buddha, but the mountain to help her in her time of need.

Austene: You have the gift of melting snow, the heart that gives life to our forest. I need strength to find a way to save it.

[The mountain is shown, edited by NC to make it look like its talking]

NC: (v/o; as the mountain) Sorry, kid, but I'm a mountain. I just kind of stand here.

Austene: Bless Mommy, wherever she is. And give her the thought of Daddy and me once in a while. I need your help so much.

[We see a constellation of stars talking to each other; both voiced by NC and FB]

Star #1 (NC): What do you think? Shall we send Clarence again?

Star #2 (FB): Uh, you know you destroyed space and time with that old reality shit?

Star #1 (NC): Good point. Let's just send one of our dollar store spirits.

Star #2 (FB): Oh, you mean like Chuck Norris?

Star #1 (NC): Ah, that's still one.

[McKenna's spirit is shown, having heard Austene's prayers]

McKenna: Amen.

[The next day, the group of kids are shown going to the forest, as the woman that objected in the meeting earlier watches]

NC: (v/o) So we see the kids are going up for a hike to the mountain...unsupervised, because, any kid can handle a fucking her mother watches in confusion about why she has a mushroom cut.

FB: (v/o) Now to be fair, that is more of a jellyfish cut.

NC: (v/o) I'll name the stupid 90s haircuts around here.

[The logging company is shown]

FB: (v/o) This, of course, leads to our villains with their amazingly cartoony musical theme.

[As scenes of the loggers at work are shown, dramatic cartoony music does play in the background]

NC: (v/o; chuckles) Wow. I've heard more subtle music when Wile E. Coyote is thinking up a plan.

FB: (v/o) Well, of course, it doesn't help the villain is just as cartoony as the music is.

Travis: A five million board free to lumber up there, and I want it all! Make it sizzle in their own grease! [One of his henchmen laughs] I couldn't care less about the progress of anyone except Travis Thorne, boys!

FB: Could we just cut to the Rich Texan guy from The Simpsons whenever he's onscreen?

[A scene of the Rich Texan from The Simpsons is shown]

Rich Texan: Yee-ha! Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah-heh!

[Back to the movie, where the kids are hiking in the forest]

NC: (v/o) Now like our kids going through their trip is anything less subtle...

[As the kids hike, a cheerful country song plays in the background. Austene, smiling, stops to tie her shoe as everyone looks at her, confusing NC]

NC: What the hell was that?

NC: (v/o; as Austene) Wow! I'm tying my shoe! Can you believe I'm actually tying my shoe? Oh, what a wonderful adventure that was!

[The film cuts to a boy having lost the group and is alone]

Boy: Hey, guys?

FB: (v/o) But then, suddenly, one gets lost from the group...only to literally be found a few seconds later. [The boy reunites with the kids as they approach a treehouse] What was the point of that? He loses them despite the fact they were only three steps behind him, and he just locates them a moment later.

NC: (v/o) Maybe they were building up he was about to be gang-raped by Ewoks or something.

[The kids run around their treehouse]

FB: (v/o) So on their Playground to Terabithia, they seem to come across something growling inside.

[The kids fall to the ground and scream constantly without getting up]

NC: (v/o) Just get up, you fucking idiots!

FB: (v/o) Does your fear rend your legs immobile?

[A bear comes out of the treehouse]

NC: (v/o) But it turns out it was just a baby bear the whole time.

[The kids begin petting the bear]

Austene: Let me get that rag off you, little guy. Rags. That's a good name.

NC: [chuckles] Boy, good thing he wasn't covered in shit. [FB is confused at what NC said] You were thinking it!

FB: (v/o) By the way, have you noticed something kind of important missing from this Chuck Norris movie?

NC: Chuck Norris?!

FB: Chuck Norris!

FB: (v/o) He's only gone a few minutes of screen time and hasn't even had any dialogue yet. If I wanted to see kids play with a bear cub, I would've rented The Amazing Panda Adventure.

NC: No, you wouldn't have.

FB: Well, I would've in spirit.

NC: (v/o) But it looks like the evil loggers have located him.

[Three loggers, carrying guns, are searching for something in the forest]

Logger #1: Come on. If he's a fish, you'd have to throw him back.

Logger #2: It's not a fish, and it's worth something no matter how big it is.

Logger #1: It would be worth a lot more if he was bigger.

FB: (v/o) Oh, so those loggers also double as random poachers, too. Clearly part of the hiring criteria for this company.

NC: (v/o) Oh, no, Film Brain. Clearly you should know that when you hire evil henchmen, you need to have all your bases covered.

[Cut to a skit involving Tamara playing a boss interviewing three henchmen, played by Malcolm, Jim and Doug]

Tamara: All right, if we're going to hire you on as henchmen, we need to know that you can do more than just follow evil orders.

Malcolm: Oh, we can. On top of following orders, we can also kill small animals.

Jim: And laugh like hillbilly yokels.

Doug: And make weird faces whenever we get kicked in the nuts!

Tamara: I'm still not convinced. Maybe a little demonstration.

Malcolm: Oh, go ahead, guys!

[The three henchmen all do the things they've described]

Tamara: Okay, one final question. Do you fall for gullible traps set up by small children?

Malcolm: Oh, sure. Bobby's still working off a birthmark that was given to him by a second grader.

[Bobby (Jim) reveals a horrendous burn on the palm of his hand]

Tamara: All right, you're hired.

Malcolm: Yeah! Gimme five, guys! [The henchmen high-five each other, with Bobby squealing as he does so] Oh, sorry, Bobby.

[Back to the movie, where the bear begins to run away from the poachers]

NC: (v/o) So while the bear makes the sound that Chuck Norris makes when he puts himself into every man...

[The bear is heard growling in pain]

NC: Not getting that sound out of your head anytime soon.

NC: (v/o) ...the kids stop the loggers from killing the bear.

[As the loggers prepare to kill the bear, Austene runs over to them in an attempt to stop them, causing one logger to point his gun at her]

Austene: Don't!

NC: (v/o; as the logger) Girl? Open fire!

[A gunshot is heard, but the logger doesn't fire on Austene]

Logger: Don't you know better than to run at a man with a rifle? I should just skin it alive.

[He brings out a knife and laughs wheezily. An eagle suddenly swoops down and attacks the logger, suddenly turning into McKenna, who begins fighting the loggers]

FB: (v/o) Not if Eagle Chuck Norris has anything to say about it, as because this movie doesn't have the budget for shapeshifting, we have to be impressed by Chuck's magical jump cutting power.

[As the fight escalates, McKenna throws one logger into the air, where the logger lands on a tree, groin-first. The logger painfully groans in a low tone. We go back to the three hired henchmen from earlier]

Malcolm: That's not bad. But you really gotta... [squeals in a high-pitch tone] Instead of... [mimics the low groaning]

[Back to the movie. McKenna continues fighting the loggers as Austene watches]

NC: (v/o) Look at this kid. She doesn't know if she's supposed to look blown away or disturbingly confused. [as Austene] Neat, I guess.

[McKenna eventually defeats the loggers, who run away]

FB: (v/o) The loggers run away as Forest Jesus comforts the girl by telling her about the bear.

Austene: [petting the bear] I'm so glad you're back. I missed you.

[McKenna appears sitting next to Austene]

NC: (v/o; as McKenna) It's okay. Your fairy beard mother is here.

McKenna: You were very brave, Austene. You saved his life.

Austene: Can I be his friend?

McKenna: You are his friend.

FB: (v/o; as McKenna) And when he grows up, you'll be his dinner, but until then, this is perfectly serviceable.

[The bear begins walking as music plays, sounding similar to a ringtone. NC brings out his cellphone]

NC: Oh, hold on. I got a call.

FB: [confused] What?

[NC looks at his cellphone, before looking at the camera, annoyed]

NC: Was that the movie?!

FB: Yeah, I think that is.

NC: This music is so bland, it actually sounds exactly like my ringtone? Listen!

[He turns on his ringtone, which sounds exactly similar to the music heard in the film]

FB: Well, this gives a new meaning to the term "phoned-in". [NC glares at FB] I'm...not...coming back from that one, am I?

NC: Nor should you.

[We cut back to the logging company continuing to do what they do]

NC: (v/o) Meanwhile, our villains continue to tear down the forest.

[The cartoony dramatic music is played again as the loggers destroy the trees. We see a clip from Lord of the Rings, where the Orcs are removing the trees]

Orc: The trees are strong, my lord.

Saruman the White: Rip them all down.

[Back to the movie, where a man meets up with Travis]

Man: Kids are up there, school's out. You should've figured on that.

Travis: It's that treehouse. You know, I used to play up there when I was a kid. It was...magical. Wonderful place. [beat] Let's get rid of the damn thing.

FB: (v/o) Whoa! There was almost character development there. Oh, well! Back to your darting and shooting guns off.

[Another clip of the Rich Texan on The Simpsons is shown]

Rich Texan: Yee-hah!

[Back to the movie, where we see the kids sitting around a campfire]

NC: (v/o) Speaking of which, we see the Get-Along Gang making their oath to the mountain. Again, as kids do.

Kids: We ask you to leave it, purist found. We are to it, forever bound. We ask you to leave it, purist found. We are to it, forever bound.

[NC and FB make their own oath]

NC: We promise to nobly play in treehouses.

FB: Befriend killer bears.

NC: To always wear plain shirts.

FB: And always have girly haircuts.

[They both lift their hands up, suddenly causing an explosion]

NC and FB: Aaah!

NC: What the hell was that stuff?!

[Back to the movie, where the kids continue to make their oath, as shots of Clovis and the woman are shown]

Boy: Cherish your mountain and all the Earth. Love all its creatures...

FB: (v/o) I love how the shots of the mother is just taken from the earlier scene of her outside the petrol station. Has she just been standing there for hours?

[We see a skit of Doug playing a father (who would later be known as Creepy Dad) coming out of a house during a snowstorm]

Doug: All right, kiddo. I think that's enough playing outside. Time to come on in. [The father's daughter, played by the image of the mother, is shown frozen outside] Need a little help there? Okay.

[Back to the movie, where the kids are doing some fishing]

NC: (v/o) They continue just to do what normal kids do...but made an oath to do so, so somehow, it seems more they all go fishing.

[As the sun sets, the ringtone-like music is heard again. FB brings out his cellphone]

FB: Oh, hold on. One second.

[Both NC and FB suddenly realize something]

NC: Let me guess...

FB: That's my ringtone!

[He plays his ringtone, which again sounds exactly similar to the film's music]

NC: Yep.

FB: This whole score could be downloaded as an app!

[Back to the movie]

FB: (v/o) So while the children go fishing, Chuck Norris saves a raccoon. Just in case you've forgot, he was Forest Jesus. [The film cuts to a logger setting up dynamite on the treehouse] While the loggers set explosives to blow the treehouse up, because nothing beats a good bit of potential manslaughter.

NC: (v/o) Seriously, he sees them playing in the lake, so he assumes they're not gonna be back there.

Logger: They'll be playing there all day.

NC: (v/o) But it's, like, a good while before it finally goes off. How does he know fucking anybody that couldn't have gone back there by that point?! He wouldn't be able to get away with this anywhere else!

[Cut to a skit of two demolishers, played by Doug and Malcolm, preparing to demolish a playground]

Malcolm: Uh, boss, are you sure it's a good idea to blow up a playground without giving anyone a little warning?

Doug: Oh, please! Who's gonna be dumb enough to go all the way up there?!

[As he says that line, unknown to him, a little girl, played by Tamara, has ran behind them towards the playground. Doug presses the button, causing the playground to explode, and causing Tamara's body to land right behind Doug and Malcolm, who are too stunned to talk]

Malcolm: Uh...what are we gonna do, boss?

[Doug quickly gives Malcolm his hat and his demolisher button]

Doug: You're the boss now!

[He runs off. Malcolm nervously looks around]

Malcolm: Lunch?

[And we go to a commercial break. After the commercial, we go back to the movie, where McKenna confronts the loggers with the dynamite]

NC: (v/o) While the girl goes to the treehouse to gut the fish, Norris comes across the loggers to once again Chuck them up.

[McKenna and the loggers fight; McKenna defeats them with ease as various animals watch]

FB: (v/o) I always thought that more fight scenes needed to be intercut with animals randomly watching the action. It seems to say, "We know we can't be exciting, so let's at least try and be cute."

NC: (v/o) Yeah, and is it me or is this the exact same fight scene we saw before just put in front of a truck? Toss, kick, slow-mo, Norris forgetting to have a personality.

NC: Not seeing much of a difference.

[McKenna looks into a logger's eyes, seeing the dynamite on the treehouse]

FB: (v/o) Norris looks into his eyes and figures out the explosives are about to go off. You know, for an omnipotent spirit of the forest, don't you think he would've noticed a little hiccup like that?

[McKenna quickly transforms into an eagle and uses his wings to swoop the loggers away with powerful winds]

NC: (v/o; chuckles) What the hell?

NC: [imitating Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz] Auntie Em! It's a Norris, it's a Norris!

[Eagle McKenna flies down to the ground and, in a jump cut, immediately transforms into a wolf]

FB: (v/o) Why does he even need to turn into an animal when we already established he can teleport anywhere at any time in the world? He's only got 15 seconds. Okay, very long 15 seconds, but still...

[McKenna arrives too late as the dynamite explodes, destroying the treehouse]

NC: (v/o) The treehouse blows up and everyone thinks the girl is a goner... [Austene is shown lying unconscious] ...which, she kind of is, but Norris is there to once again bring her back through the exact same effects again that I think they originally stole from Ghostbusters in the first place.

[Austene awakens to see McKenna]

McKenna: How you feeling, Austene?

Austene: Was I sleeping?

McKenna: Yes, you were sleeping.

NC: [as McKenna] You might also be able to turn into a cockroach now. Just don't be alarmed.

Austene: Is this your home?

McKenna: The forest is my home.

Austene: Have you lived here a long, long time?

McKenna: A long, long time.

[Austene immediately falls asleep]

FB: (v/o; as Austene) Oh, your acting's making me go to sleep. Good night.

[Meanwhile, Austene's father is discovering the destroyed treehouse along with a cop]

NC: (v/o) Once the girl's father finds out, he rushes to the treehouse, thinking that he's too late.

[Thinking that Austene is dead, the father breaks down crying]

Father: [crying] Oh, God! God, help me!

NC: (v/o) Jesus Christ, guy. It's a fucking Chuck Norris movie, not a Sally Field flick.

FB: (v/o) I know, right? The dog in Feed the Kitty gave a more subtle performance.

[The father crying is intercut with scenes from Feed the Kitty with the dog crying. Suddenly, Austene, fine and well, appears behind the father, stopping him from crying. This is intercut with Feed the Kitty, where the dog is reunited with the kitty cat]

NC: (v/o) So it looks like the kid is okay as everybody tries to figure out what's going on with that forest.

[Austene and her father are visiting the sheriff's office]

Sheriff: It's not haunted, I know that. Enchanted, maybe.

FB: Oh, sure, many hauntings look nicer if you just call them "enchanted"! [Brings out a DVD cover of Poltergeist] Poltergeist is a family movie if you just use different terminology.

[Scene from Poltergeist where the possessed clown doll attacks Robbie is shown]

FB: Charming...

[Scene from Poltergeist where the Door Ghost terrorizes Daine is shown]

FB: Playful!

[Scene from Poltergeist where the giant undead head roars at Steve is shown]

FB: Curious!

[Scene from Poltergeist with the skeletons floating in the pool with Diane is shown]

FB: Whimsically delightful! [Twitches his eyebrow]

[Back to the movie, where logger trucks are shown heading for the forest]

NC: (v/o) But more bad news seems to be on the horizon.

Cop: The ones on the move, he managed to get a temporary permit. He can start cutting the trees at noon tomorrow.

NC: (v/o) "Temporary permit"? What is this? The Purge? You can suddenly perform illegal activity as long as you have a note?

FB: (v/o) EPA, anyone?

NC: (v/o) So Thorne is on his way to chop down the forest...

[Boom mic cables are shown at that shot]

FB: (v/o) Don't forget your boom mic, kids!

[In the forest, the kids are setting up traps for the loggers]

NC: (v/o) And seeing how this is a 90s kids film, we, of course, have to rip off the Home Alone ending, with traps set up all over the place. Hell, you can tell The Wizard of Oz in the 90s and you would still have to have a Home Alone ending.

NC: You just attach the bucket of water to a string or something.

NC: (v/o) However, where Home Alone was quick and well-paced, this is nerve-rackingly slow as molasses.

[Thorne and his henchmen look around the forest]

Travis: I think somebody's trying to pull my chain.

[An "ow!" is heard from the distance. A man slowly approaches Travis and his henchmen]

Man: We've got thumbtacks in the log there, Mr. Thorne.

Travis: It's the green weenies.

Man: Weenies?

Travis: Environmentalists. They're out there. [Two kids use a fishing line to make a noise] Continue, Mr. Williams.

[A group of loggers approach a log with the thumbtacks]

Man: You can take care of your booboo when you get back. Let's go.

FB: (v/o) Jeez, how long does this go on for? It's a Chuck Norris movie, and yet, all the Chuck Norris scenes have been replaced with kids, the Castrol and Peter Parker's landlord.

Travis: You gutless, environmental punks!

[The kids push a log away, pulling a rope which was tied onto Travis's ankles, causing Travis to be sent rolling down the forest]

NC: (v/o) Well, when all else fails, just kill the bastard! I'm sure anyone can survive being tied to a log, rolled down a cliff and tossed into a six-story drop! [Imitates the kids] Go, Murder Squad!

FB: (v/o) And the kids distract the rest of the loggers by playing that Awesome Mix Volume 1 cassette. [A kid turns on the radio to old rock music, causing the loggers to dance to the music. One logger brings out his chainsaw and pretends to play an air guitar] Bonus points to the guy who air guitars with a chainsaw. This is both stupid and magical.

[Travis, having recovered from his earlier attack, gets in his car along with a henchman]

Travis: Get in here and drive this thing.

Man: But, sir...

Travis: GET IN HERE!

[Several kids regroup]

Boy #1: They're gonna cut down the forest!

Boy #2: We can't let them do that!

Austene: What are we gonna do now? [Pause] We've gotta stop them!

NC: (v/o) Oh, brilliant strategy. Thanks, Patton!

[A logger turns off the music, before confronting the boy nearby]

NC: (v/o; imitating the logger) Well, looks like I gotta break my killing kids rule, which I never had.

Logger: I'll let you have a free shot. Come on. [points to his face] Give me one right here. Come on, come on. Right there.

FB: Well, if I learned anything from Tom and Jerry cartoons, this never backfires.

[McKenna suddenly appears and punches the logger in the face]

NC: (v/o; imitating the logger) Whoa! I so did not set myself up for that!

FB: (v/o) Yep. Chuck Norris is back again. We have him so rare, you have to keep note of it.

[McKenna and the logger fight, and McKenna gains the upper hand once again]

NC: You wouldn't be so hot without your slow-mo!

[Meanwhile, as another logger is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw, McKenna suddenly appears and stops the chainsaw with his bare hand]

NC: (v/o; as McKenna) That's right, Internet. I just stopped a chainsaw with my bare hands. I'm just trying to make these memes easier for you.

[McKenna fights off several more loggers]

NC: Gee, Film Brain. What do you think he's going to do to them this time?

FB: Oh, I don't know. About the same thing he's done every single time?

NC: Oh, you mean...

NC and FB: (v/o) Pick them up and toss them?

NC: (v/o) Jesus, where did he learn his fighting? The School of Hot Potato?

[As the police arrive to arrest the loggers, we see McKenna confronting an injured Travis]

FB: (v/o) Of course, the police arrive to arrest them, but Thorne runs away and asks Norris for help, because...yeah, I'm sure he looks like someone who'd be on his side.

Travis: I got to get over this mountain over here, all right? I'll give you $10,000 if you can help me out. Cause I got guys chasing me.

McKenna: Why are they chasing you?

Travis: Because I want to cut down a few trees, okay?

NC: Well, gee, when you put it like that, it makes the plot sound pretty ridiculous. [Travis attempts to attack McKenna, but McKenna attacks him first] Look at that. He uses the magic of the mountain to throw him towards a tree, stop at the tree, headbutt himself, and then land face-up, even though he was thrown face-down.

FB: Forest Jesus works in mysterious ways.

Travis: The only magic I believe in is the magic of the almighty dollar.

FB: (v/o) Well, I think that goes without saying you said yes to a Chuck Norris movie.

McKenna: The only dreams you believe in are the ones that you can buy.

Travis: That's the only kind there are.

McKenna: But there's nothing I can do to change your mind.

[Without a jump cut, McKenna transforms into a bear]

Deep voice: Then maybe I can.

FB: (v/o) And there it is. They only had enough money to do one onscreen morph...

FB: ...and it is glorious!

FB: (v/o) I don't even know what to say here. It's one of the most famous Chuck Norris moments ever. He, right in front of our eyes, turns into a bear. Even Thorne is so awestruck, he appears to be mooing.

[Travis is so stunned that he can only make "ooh" sounds]

NC: (v/o) Look at him. He's making so many weird sounds, he could be a cereal mascot.

[A box of cereal is shown]

Announcer: One bite of Goofios will make you go... [imitates Travis' "ooh" sound]

[Back to the movie]

FB: (v/o) So the police finally arrest Thorne, the girl's father is made deputy again because he proved he can be sober for a couple of hours, and they rebuild the treehouse with...presumably Thorne's lumber?

NC: (v/o) Yeah, wait a minute. [As the whole group rebuilds the treehouse, they high-five each other] Man, they'll high-five anything. [imitates a kid] Yeah, water! High-five, bro!

[Everyone hangs a flag on the new treehouse]

FB: (v/o) Thank you, mountain. We hang this eco-friendly Denny's placemat in your honor.

[Austene sees McKenna and the dead wife together]

NC: (v/o) But then, the girl, you know, the one who was snickering at the death of Norris' wife, looks up and sees the two of them together.

FB: (v/o) Wait a minute. If she was with him the whole time, how come she didn't help out?

NC: (v/o) Well, remember, Film Brain. Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man. Getting a woman involved would just be an abomination against God.

FB: (v/o) Well, I guess I see your point.

NC: (v/o) Really?

FB: (v/o) No!

[As the movie ends, we see McKenna disappear from the forest]

NC: (v/o) Here's to having a Native-American movie with only one Native-American shown for two seconds and not be given any lines of dialogue.

Audience: (v/o; deadpan) Yay.

FB: And that was Forest Warrior, and to say the least, this is a bafflingly odd movie.

(Clips from the film play as FB and NC give their closing thoughts)

FB: (v/o) For a start, it’s a Chuck Norris movie where he shows it for maybe all about 10 minutes of bears. Hell, I think Steven Seagal’s appeared in more inside of his direct-to-video movies. In most of the scenes, they just be copying the most popular trends of the time, like protecting the environment and Home Alone, and slapping them together into one cheesy mess. I mean, who exactly is this aimed at? Kids who really like Walker, Texas Ranger? Does anyone want to see Chuck Norris stroking his ego by playing a malevolent god of the forest who is also really good at kicking people in the face? It just plays like a country music version of Captain Planet, especially since it’s so cartoonish and over-the-top, you’ll probably laugh yourself into a hernia well before the master of Chuck Norris becoming a bear.

NC: (v/o) It’s pretty stupid and drenched in 90s cheese, but as stupid kids’ films go...yeah, it’s pretty standardly stupid. But like Film Brain said, the few scenes that are so bizarre and dripping with Chuck Norris’ ego are far too funny to overlook. So if you want to know about the spirit of the mountain as, say, told by Chuck Norris’ karate commandos, then this is the good one to check out.

NC: Well, Film Brain, it's nice after all these years, we finally got a chance to do a crossover together.

FB: Indeed, Critic! But, you know, part of me does feel bad about what we said about Chuck Norris earlier.

NC: Yeah. Maybe we haven't done enough to restore his image like we thought.

FB: Maybe we could give him a theme song.

NC: Yeah. Something that kids can relate to but can also teach a good lesson as well. Got any thoughts?

FB: Well, one.

Boy Puppet: [singing] ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫

Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth... ♫

NC: Film Brain, I love you. And I do mean it in that way.

FB: [bashful] Oh, you...

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and remember...

[He dances off as the song continues playing]

Boy Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫

Girl Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫

Boy Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you stuff it in your face ♫

Girl Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't stuff it in your face ♫

[We come to the credits]

Channel Awesome Tagline: Travis: (making those weird "ooh" sounds)

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