April 06, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Why does Robin Williams SUCK in movies?!
A montage of posters from various Robin Williams comedy films, some of which are notorious flops
NC: (voice-over) I mean, OCCASIONALLY, he'll get a good one, but for the most part, they're pretty bad. We know he's funny and we know he can act, so how come he keeps turning out shit after shit after shit? Maybe it's because he keeps picking movies that downplay his talent as oppose to glorifying them. Maybe some of these movies just figure: 'Hey, if Robin Williams is in it, somehow it's gonna be funny!'
NC: Ha ha ha ha! NO! You need effort, actual effort! Because if you don't, you get Flubber.
The title card to Flubber is shown, along with a montage of movie clips
NC: (voice-over) A remake of the only semi-decent but still imaginative Absent-Minded Professor, Flubber asked the question: How can we take a creative premise with a weak story and make it...even weaker?
NC: I don't know, but heaven above, they succeeded. So, let's see what the flub went wrong with this crappy-ass remake.
The movie begins with its opening credits, showing an automatic breakfast machine in the works; the writers' credit pops up, with the names "John Hughes" and "Bill Walsh"
NC: (voice-over) First of all, you'll be shocked to see that one of the writers is the recently-deceased John Hughes. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that such a great writer is gone or that he didn't know how to use the name "Alan Smithee". (Scene cuts to Robin Williams' character Philip Brainard waking up) We see our main hero named Philip Brainard, who mistakenly, instead of turning off his alarm clock, launches a trash can into the air.
Scene cuts to a trash can in the backyard, which Brainard shoots into the air, causing it to comically land on the curb in front of the house
NC: (voice-over) THIS...will be the highlight of the film's comedy.
Cut back to the breakfast machine seen earlier
NC: (voice-over) We see him use a breakfast machine that's NEVER been used in a movie before, except THESE:
NC: (voice-over) ...when he sits down and talks to his latest invention named Weebo, a flying robot with artificial intelligence who's main job is to whore out public domain movies and Disney cartoons.
Weebo: You'd better hurry up, the loan's due at the end of the school year. (Cut to different scene) Tell me about it.
NC: Hmm, why does that voice sound familiar? (Cut to a picture of Ariel from The Little Mermaid) Oh, it's Ariel! Cool, that's why I was thinking of jailbait as well as fishbait.
Cut to Medfield College where Brainard works, then to his fiancee, Sara Jean Reynolds, preparing her wedding gown in her office
NC: (voice-over) So it turns out Dr. Brainard is getting married today to the President of the College, Sara Reynolds. You know, it would be really romantic if this wasn't his THIRD time attempting it! I am dead serious, THIRD TIME!!!
Sara: Well, in his case, once is justifiable, twice is...understandable, but three times...
NC: (voice-over) Okaym honey, word of advice to ya: If he misses your wedding once, dump him. Twice, kill him. Three times, GO LORENA BOBBITT ON HIS ASS, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKES, LEARN A FUCKING LESSON!!
(Cut to Brainard)
Brainard: Good morning, good afternoon.
NC:(voice-over) But it turns out that Brainard isn't really a noncommittal fuckass. No, he's just...quirky. As you'll delightfully see when he talks to his fiancee about getting married.
(Cut to Brainard conversing with Sara and her secretary, played by Edie McClurg)
Secretary: I was talking about your excitement.
Secretary: The wedding.
Philip: Congratulations! (Secretary gestures to Sara) The wedding! Sara and I, oh, the wedding! Oh, I'm looking forward to it, aren't you, honey?
Sara: It's today.
Philip: Are you sure?
NC: (Holding a clipboard) Let's cross off "Charming and Delightful", so that just leaves us with... "Douchebag".
Sara: And I want you to promise me on everything between us that you'll be there, okay?
Philip: I'd rather die than disappoint you.
(Cut to Philip and a man named Wilson, portrayed by Christopher McDonald)
NC: (voice-over) But he's approached by that ONE guy, who's name you can't remember, but always recognize because he's the asshole in every movie that he's in.
Wilson: What happened between us, Phil?
Philip: Well, I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.
Wilson: I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Philip: Why are you here?
Wilson: Well, to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee, and make her my wife.
NC: (voice-over) Wow, that is the most blunt villain ever! I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cut-out he is, but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing. I just LOVE the lack of creativity with him! It's like he just came out and said:
NC: (Portraying Wilson) I'm the antagonist. I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge, and ate puppies for dinner. No reason, I'm just evil. (Pauses, then laughs maniacally to the sound of thunder and lightning above, complete with a sinister organ tune)
NC (voice-over) But before he can go to his wedding, his newest experiment appears to be making some fast developments.
Philip: Behold! There it is! Now it will work!
NC: (voice-over) So, yeah, he misses his wedding AGAIN for this scientific breakthrough. But at least he's doing it for a good cause. You see, the college is going to close, and unless Brainard can come up with an ingenious invention, he won't be able to get the money to keep it open.
Philip: (To Weebo) If I could solve this whole metastable compound business, I could save the college. A new energy source would be worth a fortune.
(Montage of Weebo)
NC: (Voice-over) But, wait a minute! WHAT ABOUT FUCKING WEEBO?! A flying robot with the ability to think and create emotions? Don't you think THAT would be worth a couple BAJILLION DOLLARS?!?!
Philip: This is really not an area you're qualified to offer perspective on.
NC: (stupefied) ...You're an idiot!
NC: (voice-over) So we see his fiancee literally in tears, but at least our professor created another scientific milestone, that knowing him, he'll probably use for dog food.
Brainard removes a ball of green, translucent goo from a cryo-canister that seemingly has the ability to move on its own
NC (voice-over) Oh, great, he created Slimer.
The goo jumps up and down at rapid speeds; cut to the Critic
NC: (As Brainard) Oh, this isn't anything! It's a scientific breakthrough that could change the way we look at life as we know it. (Tosses away the imaginary goo, a window crash is heard) Where's that useless Weebo?
NC: (voice-over) So he stands proud with his scientific snot, as it turns out that it can be very hard to control.
The Flubber escapes the house
Weebo: It's gone!
Cut to a father talking to his scared son
Father: How can anything get in your window? It's closed, okay?
(The Flubber smashes through the window and bounces about maniacally, right on queue)
NC: LOOK OUT!! IRONY! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE IRONY!!!
(The Flubber rages across the neighborhood, knocking out various people)
NC: (voice-over) So after his invention kills God-knows-how-many-innocent bystanders, Brainard finally gets it under wraps.
Philip: Do you know what this is?
Philip: Yes! It's flying rubber. It's "Flubber"!
NC: (As Brainard) Oh-ho! Say, I wonder what that woman thing I sometimes talk to is doing right now... Oh well, FLUBBER!
(The Flubber comically knocks out Brainard)
NC: (voice-over) So he discovers that Flubber only increases in speed rather than decreasing in speed the more it bounces. But those facts don't make very good apology cards.
Weebo: You missed the wedding. I'm sorry.
Brainard looks depressed
NC: (voice-over, as Brainard) Well, audience, do you hate me yet? I skipped out on my wedding, blew up my basement, and might be having an affair with my flying iPhone. I'm the perfect hero for Disney. Ho-ho.
NC: (Normal voice-over) So he goes to her office to try to explain what happened.
Philip goes to see Sara, who's not all that happy to see him
NC: The castrating iron's in the corner, honey.
Sara: For the third time, you left me standing at the alter.
Philip: Please, let me explain. (Brandishes the Flubber) THIS...is why I didn't make it last night. Flubber! Isn't it remarkable, Sara?
Sara: You...broke...my...heart...so you could stay home and create some green goo?!
Philip: Sara! It's much more than that.
NC: (voice-over) Boy, you gotta give this guy credit! He skips out on three weddings and yet somehow tries to make it out like she's the one not listening.
Philip: It contains a small amount of energy....(It bounces up and down)....and liberates an enormous quantity of energy!
NC: (Voice-over) But she ignores the elastic plastic as it turns out one of the main sponsors of the college...played PRESUMABLY by Joe Biden, is angry because Brainard failed his son at chemistry.
Bennett: I got thrown off the basketball team. I flunked chemistry.
NC: (voice-over) And yes, that not-quite-Shia LeBeouf is played by Wesley from Star Trek himself, Wil Wheaton.
Bennett: (To his goons/teachers) I have a science requirement, you morons!
Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
NC: (voice-over) So he sends his two goons to persuade Brainard to giving his son a good grade. But Brainard is too busy testing Flubber to notice them.
(Brainard coats various balls in liquefied Flubber; a golfball hits one goon as it bounces out the window, causing a prat fall)
Philip: Hit the deck!
(A bowling ball hits the other goon, before launching straight up in the air)
NC: (as Brainard) (laughs) Good! Now let me test it on his anvil.
(The bowling ball comes back down and smacks the same goon in the head from thousands of feet high, causing another prat fall)
NC: (voice-over) Um, yeah, I think his brains would have pretty much painted the house if a bowling ball fell on him from that high. But who cares? Brainard has also found a way to use Flubber to fly his car! He uses this new ability to do...creepy things, like stalk his old girlfriend who's now going out with the obvious villain man.
Wilson: I can't lose! She's mine.
(Brainard hits Wilson in the head with an apple, resulting in ANOTHER prat fall)
NC: (voice-over) Okay, not everything results in a prat fall!
NC: Hey, look! A speck of snow! (A snowflake lands on his face, causing him to fall in a wild prat fall)
NC (voice-over) But we also discover that Brainard is not the only one with strange, romantic lust.
Weebo: I believe that a woman should love a man for what he is, not for what she wants him to be. I don't have much of a smile, but I do have a brain.
Philip: It's a human matter, not for computers.
Weebo looks at Brainard longingly, as Ariel sings in the background
Ariel: (Singing) I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now...
NC: (voice-over) So in a...DISTURBINGLY frightening subplot, it turns out Weebo has actually fallen in love with the professor, and not only that, has created a holographic human version of herself so she can physically make out with him.
Weebo's holographic human self marches up the stairs towards Brainard's bedroom, almost is a ghost-like, horror fashion
NC: (Points at her) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Weebo's holographic self longingly gropes Philip as he sleeps
NC: (voice-over) Okay, this is fucked up right here! This is like something out of a psychological sci-fi thriller, not a Robin Williams Disney film! But that's nothing...just watch what happens when she takes it a few steps too far.
(Cut to various clips of "Ghostbusters" where Ray Stantz's belt and pants being opened up by an unseen force, as if Weebo is undressing the professor)
(Brainard wakes up, causing Weebo's hologram to dissipate)
Brainard: Got it.
NC: (voice-over) The cybersex will have to wait, as he comes up with his next big, ingenious use for the Flubber invention: Basketball. That's right. Instead of selling off his invention to some business or scientific research lab, getting the money to save the college, he tests the effects of Flubber on BASKETBALL. WHY AREN'T YOU COMMITTED?!
(Brainard applies Flubber to a basketball at the school basketball court)
NC: (voice-over) Gee, I wonder if it's gonna bounce around, break stuff, and result in someone getting hit?
(The Flubber does EXACTLY that in that exact order)
NC: (voice-over) Like fucking clockwork.
NC: Why don't they just call this movie "Shit Bounces and Nobody Laughs"?
NC: (voice-over) So he gives Flubber-padded shoes to the loser team to try to make them play a lot better.
(Cut to said team, ALL of them dressed like stereotypical nerds)
NC: (voice-over) Look, they're all wearing glasses, so they must be part of the losers, because they're all wearing glasses, losers, glasses, losers, glasses, they're one and the same.
(Weebo unleashes the Flubber at home)
NC: (voice-over) But back at the house, Weebo unleashes Flubber as they partake in a colorful yet completely pointless dance sequence.
(The Flubber, now having multiplied into a hundred Flubber characters, dances about playing music in an over-the-top dance number. Weebo dances about in the air, almost as if she's turned on by this)
NC: (voice-over) Umm, yeah, why don't you go back to making that 3D woman again? The least you can do is flip us some soft-core porn while the camera's on you.
(The Flubber keeps dancing about as music plays)
NC: (voice-over) GOD, this is boring. Maybe back then, this was really impressive shit, but now, it just looks like a really bad Superbowl commercial.
(The madness continues)
NC: (voice-over) And like I said, there's NO point! This doesn't benefit the story in any way possible!
(The dancing goes on and on; cut to the Critic, looking bored out of his mind)
BLAM Logo: Big-Lipped-- Oh, GOD, I'm bored.
NC: (voice-over) While that's going on, Brainard watches as the Flubber he secretly slipped onto the players starts paying off.
(The team plays phenomenally and bounces about like crazy, scoring every basket)
NC: (voice-over) You know, they have a word for this in basketball. I believe it's called, um...cheating.
Philip: JUMP, DALE!
(Dale jumps with the ball, doing mad flips in the air on his way to the basket)
NC: (voice-over, as Dale) I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! WAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
(Dale falls headfirst through the basket, winning the game)
NC: (voice-over, as Announcer) And Dale is dead, everybody! Dale is dead! This game is officially dedicated to Dale who sacrificed his body literally headfirst to score the winning point! Dale is dead! (Normal voice) After the game, Brainard still tries to win Sara back, but luckily, she still has a fucking brain and decides to leave him in the dust. So Brainard tells his woes to Weebo in the hopes of finally figuring out what's wrong with him.
Philip: The truth is, Weebo, I'm not absent-minded because I'm selfish, crazy, or inconsiderate. I'm absent-minded because I'm in love with Sara.
NC: Hmmmmmm, nah, you were closer with the crazy, selfish, inconsiderate thing.
NC: (voice-over) So, because the machine that HE programmed somehow knows more about love than he does, Weebo records what he says and shows it to Sara, and because the love interests in movies like these are sympathetic dumbasses, she gives him another shot...you know, because he deserves at least four. So, he shows her what Flubber can do as they FINALLY come up with a good idea with what to do with the stuff: Try selling it!
Sara and Brainard fly to the Ford Motor Company and show off their flying car applied with Flubber, brandishing a "For Sale" sign
NC: (voice-over, in a dummy voice) Naw, ya think? I thought dat's just what only smart people do'ed! (normal voice) But unfortunately, Joe Biden finds out about Flubber, and hires his men to break into Brainard's house and steal it.
(Weebo fights the goons head-on, resulting in MORE prat falls)
NC: (voice-over) But luckily, Weebo is there to fight them off.
(Weebo plays film clips as she continues fighting)
Weebo: KISS ME, BIG BOY!
(One of the goons whacks her with a baseball bat, destroying her)
NC: (voice-over) Gee, maybe if you stopped putting energy into showing pointless film clips and focused on NOT getting hit with a baseball bat, you wouldn't have gotten hit with a baseball bat. Brainard and Sara return home only to find that the Flubber is gone and poor Weebo is destroyed.
Philip: (presiding over Weebo's broken body) Tracking...it's me, Professor Brainard. Focus...Weebo?
Spock: (audio from Star Trek II is edited over Weebo's death scene) Don't grieve, Admiral. It's logical. I have been, and always shall be...your friend. Live long...and prosper.
Philip: It's alright, it's okay...Weebo...can you hear me?
(Weebo slowly dies in the Professor's hands)
NC: (voice-over) Oh, hey, just an idea here, um...WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING REBUILD HER?! I mean, you pretty much created...LIFE...surely you must've kept the notes on how to make another one!* Well, as it turns out, he didn't. But luckily, Weebo did! Yeah, I guess she figured his stupidity would do her in at some point, so she took the time to create a backup of herself on the computer. Boy, talk about the invention being smarter than the inventor.
- (However, in the movie, Philip admits that he can repair Weebo, but that he "can never bring back the life it was she had." This therefore makes NC's statement a fuck-up.)
(Brainard and Sara view a prerecorded voice message left by Weebo on the computer, in her holographic human form)
Weebo: Philip, a full and complete design of me is in this file. I've made a few changes. I've removed a few of my flaws...and added a little of you.
(Brainard seems touched by this)
NC: (voice-over, as Weebo) So I forget things, care nothing about what's really important, and try to pass off being an asshole as delightfully quirky. Tee-hee-hee! (normal) So Brainard and Sara go to get the Flubber back from Joe Biden, only to find one of the masterminds behind the whole scheme.
(The villain steps out from behind his computer in a BIG reveal; unsurprisingly, it's Wilson)
Wilson: Ah! The lovebirds.
NC: (voice-over) Oh, yeah, what a shock. You mean the guy who always plays the villain and even stated in the beginning that he was the villain turns out is really the villain? Hey, here's a shock, too: Ricky Martin is gay!
Wilson: I was just looking over the formula. Dangerous mix.
NC: (voice-over) This looks like a job for uninspired slapstick!
(Brainard unleashes the Flubber in the mansion; it bounces about wildly as Brainard jumps about in Flubber-padded shoes; the two goons punch each other by accident in yet ANOTHER prat fall)
NC: (voice-over) Damn it! What is with your sense of balance? You fall more than the serial killer from Scream!
Wesley takes aim at Brainard with an ashtray
Sara: Philip, look out!
(Brainard sends the ashtray back at Wesley using his butt, knocking him out; "Joe Biden" makes a run for it)
NC: (voice-over, as "Joe Biden") This is a big fucking deal!
(Sara throws Flubber at "Joe Biden" launching him outside into a fountain. The Flubber flies into Wilson's mouth; he grimaces painfully as he swallows it; it then launches out of his rear end and bounces into the air)
NC: (voice-over, referring to John Hughes) Wow, so...the guy who wrote The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink actually had to write the words: "He farted Flubber out of his anus". This is a sad day, people.
(Wilson collapses in defeat)
NC: (voice-over) So they get Flubber back, sell the stuff to save the college, and finally, for the FOURTH time, try to get married.
(Cut to the wedding)
Priest: ...[they'll] be husband and wife together. You may now kiss the....video screen.
(Cut to Weebo's "daugther" Weebette with a video screen showing Brainard in his tuxedo working in his basement, NOT at the wedding?!)
NC: (Voice-over, completely outraged) WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!?! You mean he STILL couldn't make it to the wedding?!?!?! THIS GUY IS ASS SCUM!!!!!
(Sara kisses Philip via Weebo's screen)
Philip: I'll meet you at the reception, I'm almost done.
(Sara walks down the aisle, not with her new husband but with the new Weebo hand in hand; the crowd applauds)
NC: (voice-over) NO! Stop applauding! This isn't charming! This is disturbing! VERY, VERY DISTURBING! After FOUR times, he STILL couldn't make it to the alter? He is a BALL OF SHIT!!! WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HIM?! NOTHING indicates that he would be a good husband! Where are you spending your honeymoon: Divorce court? Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then? (as Brainard) Oh-ho, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I was really working on this important experiment! (normal) RUN AWAY, WOMAN! RUN AWAY! Go marry that jerky guy, he at least would show up! Sure, he's a diabolical villain, but...HE WOULD FUCKING SHOW UP!!!!!
NC: What a horrible ending! What a horrible movie. WHAT A FLAT-OUT, HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!!!
(Montage of film clips)
NC: (voice-over) I cannot believe how BADLY this movie is written, and I still can't believe it was written by the late great John Hughes. NONE of these characters are likable, and the ones who are are either stupid or have SERIOUS psychological issues.
NC: But, to be fair...maybe it was the other writer. I mean, there were two writers to this movie, John Hughes and this other guy, maybe it was the other guy. In my opinion, I think it would be very difficult to find a film that was not only bad, but WORSE...than this movie that was only written by John Hughes...
(Dramatic queue as the poster for "Home Alone 3" appears onscreen)
NC: Oh, snap.
After Credits: I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee, and make her my wife.