April 06, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Why does Robin Williams SUCK in movies?
(A montage of posters from various Robin Williams comedy films, some of which either received negative reviews from critics or bomved at the box office, is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, occasionally, he'll get a good one, but for the most part, they're pretty bad. We know he's funny and we know he can act, so how come he keeps turning out shit after shit after shit? Maybe it's because he keeps picking movies that downplay his talents as opposed to glorifying them. Maybe some of these movies just figure, "Hey, if Robin Williams is in it, somehow it's gonna be funny."
NC: Ha-ha-ha-ha! NO! You need effort, actual effort! Because if you don't, you get Flubber.
(The title card to Flubber is shown, along with a montage of movie clips)
NC (vo): A remake of the only semi-decent but still imaginative Absent-Minded Professor, Flubber asked the question: How can we take a creative premise with a weak story and make it...even weaker?
NC: I don't know, but heaven above, they succeeded. So, let's see what the flub went wrong with this crappy-ass remake.
(The movie begins with its opening credits, showing an automatic breakfast machine in the works; the writers' credit pops up, with the names "John Hughes" and "Bill Walsh"*)
- (Note: Bill Walsh was the writer of the original film; he died in 1975, years before this movie was released)
NC (vo): First of all, you'll be shocked to see that one of the writers is the recently-deceased John Hughes. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that such a great writer is gone or the fact that he didn't know how to use the name "Alan Smithee". (The scene cuts to Robin Williams' character Philip Brainard waking up in bed) We see our main hero named Philip Brainard, who mistakenly, instead of turning off his alarm clock, launches a trash can into the air.
(While attempting to stop the alarm clock, Brainard accidentally presses another button, causing a trash can outside to shoot into the air and land on the curb in front of the house)
NC (vo): THIS...will be the highlight of the film's comedy.
(Cut back to the breakfast machine seen earlier, before we see Brainard come down to the kitchen to have some breakfast along with his robot assistant, Weebo)
NC (vo): We see him use a breakfast machine that's never been used in a movie before, except these... (Captions appear, all saying "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure! Back to the Future! Brazil! Casper! Wallace and Gromit! Modern Times! Ratchet and Clank! Wile E. Coyote Cartoons! Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!") ...when he sits down and talks to his latest invention named Weebo, a flying robot with artificial intelligence, whose main job is to whore out public domain movies and Disney cartoons.
Weebo: (various scenes) You'd better hurry up, the loan's due at the end of the school year. / Tell me about it.
NC: Hmm, why does that voice sound familiar? (Cut to a picture of Ariel from The Little Mermaid) Oh, it's Ariel! Cool, that's why I was thinking of jailbait as well as fishbait.
(At Medfield College, where Brainard works, his fiancée, Sara Jean Reynolds (Marcia Gay Harden), is preparing her wedding gown in her office)
NC (vo): So it turns out Dr. Brainard is getting married today to the president of the college, Sara Reynolds. It would all be really romantic if this wasn't his THIRD time attempting it! I am dead serious, THIRD TIME!
Sara: Well, in his case, once is justifiable, twice is...understandable, but three times...
NC (vo): Okay, honey, word of advice to ya: If he misses your wedding once, dump him. Twice, kill him. Three times, GO LORENA BOBBITT ON HIS ASS! But, for God's sakes, learn a fucking lesson!
(Cut to Brainard walking into an art classroom, the incorrect class he was supposed to work in)
Brainard: Good morning, or afternoon.
NC (vo): But it turns out Brainard isn't really a noncommittal fuckass. No, he's just...quirky, as you'll delightfully see when he talks to his fiancée about getting married.
(During lunch time, Brainard speaks with Sara and her secretary, played by Edie McClurg)
Secretary: I was talking about your excitement.
Secretary: The wedding.
Philip: Congratulations! (Secretary gestures to Sara) The wedding! Sara and I. Oh, the wedding! Oh, I'm looking forward to it, aren't you, honey?
Sara: It's today.
Philip: Are you sure?
NC: (holding a clipboard) Let's cross off "Charming and Delightful", so that just leaves us with..."Douchebag".
Sara: And I want you to promise me on everything between us that you'll be there, okay?
Philip: I'd rather die than disappoint you.
(Later, Philip is working in a science classroom, where he is approached by a man named Wilson, portrayed by Christopher McDonald)
NC (vo): But he's approached by that one guy, whose name you can't remember, but always recognize because he's the asshole in every movie that he's in.
Wilson: What happened between us, Phil?
Philip: Well, I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.
Wilson: I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Philip: Why are you here?
Wilson: Well, to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancée, and make her my wife.
NC (vo): Wow, that is the most blunt villain ever! I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cutout he is, but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing. I just love the lack of creativity with him. It's like he just came out and said...
NC: (mimics Wilson) I'm the antagonist. I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge, and ate puppies for dinner. No reason, I'm just evil. (Pauses, then laughs maniacally to the sound of thunder and lightning above, complete with a sinister organ tune)
(As Brainard gets ready for his wedding at home, he suddenly notices his latest experiment making quick unexpected progress)
NC (vo): But before he can go to his wedding, his latest experiment seems to be making some fast developments.
Philip: (looking at his computer) Behold! There it is! Now it will work!
(He rushes over to his laboratory, immediately forgetting his wedding again)
NC (vo): So, yeah, he misses his wedding AGAIN for this scientific breakthrough. But at least he's doing it for a good cause. You see, the college is going to close, and unless Brainard can come up with an ingenious invention, he won't be able to get money to keep it open.
(We briefly go back to the breakfast scene)
Philip: (to Weebo) If I could solve this whole metastable compound business, I could save the college. A new energy source would be worth a fortune.
(Several clips focusing on Weebo are shown)
NC (vo): But...wait a minute! What about fucking Weebo?! A flying robot with the ability to think and create emotions? Don't you think THAT would be worth a couple bajillion dollars?!
(We cut to a later scene of Philip talking with Weebo, shown to make it look like Philip is responding to NC)
Philip: This is really not an area you're qualified to offer perspective on.
NC: (stupefied) ...You're an idiot!
(At the wedding, Sara stands in the alter, heartbroken, while back at the house, the resulting substance created from Philip's experiment begins to come to life)
NC (vo): So we see his fiancée literally in tears, but at least our professor created another scientific milestone that, knowing him, he'll probably use for dog food.
(Brainard removes a ball of green, translucent goo from a cryo-canister that seemingly has the ability to move on its own)
NC (vo): Oh, great, he created Slimer.
(Brainard tests the goo by letting it jump up and down at rapid speeds before catching it)
NC: (mimics Brainard) Oh, this isn't anything! It's just a scientific breakthrough that could change the way we look at life as we know it. (Tosses away the imaginary goo, a window crash is heard) Where's that useless Weebo?
(The moment Weebo takes a picture of Brainard with the goo, the goo suddenly goes berserk from the camera flash and starts rampaging around the house)
NC (vo): So he stands proud with his scientific snot, as it turns out it can actually be very hard to control.
(The goo escapes the house)
Weebo: It's gone!
(Cut to a bedroom at another house, where a father is talking to his scared son in bed)
Father: How can anything get in your window? It's closed, okay?
(The goo smashes through the window and bounces about maniacally, right on queue)
NC: LOOK OUT!! IRONY! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE IRONY!!
(The goo rages across the neighborhood, knocking out various people, eventually returning to Brainard's house and allowing Brainard to recapture it)
NC (vo): So after his invention kills God-knows-how-many-innocent bystanders, Brainard finally gets it under wraps.
Philip: Do you know what this is?
Philip: Yes! It's flying rubber. It's "Flubber"!
NC: (as Brainard) Oh-ho! Say, I wonder what that woman thing I talk to sometimes is doing right now. (Beat) Oh, well. FLUBBER!
(The Flubber comically knocks out Brainard. Brainard continues to work on Flubber into the early morning, looking to stabilize the Flubber's movement as opposed to stimulation)
NC (vo): So he discovers that Flubber only increases in speed rather than decreases the more it bounces. But those facts don't make very good apology cards.
Weebo: You missed the wedding. (Reveals the time on her screen, which is 6:30am, Saturday morning) I'm sorry.
(Brainard looks depressed)
NC (vo; as Brainard): Well, audience, do you hate me yet? I skipped out on my wedding, blew up my basement, and might be having an affair with my flying iPhone. I'm the perfect hero for Disney. Ho-ho. (Speaks normally) So he goes to her office to try and explain what happened.
(Philip goes to see Sara, who's not all that happy to see him)
NC: (smiling) The castrating iron is in the corner, honey.
Sara: For the third time, you left me standing at the altar.
Philip: Will you please let me explain? (Brandishes the Flubber) THIS...is why I didn't make it last night. Flubber! Isn't it remarkable, Sara?
Sara: You broke my heart...so that you could stay home and make some green goo?!
Philip: Sara, it's much more than that.
NC (vo): Boy, you gotta give this guy credit. He skips out on three weddings and yet somehow tries to make it look like she's the one not listening.
Philip: If you apply a small amount of energy... (Briefly lets the Flubber bounce around) ...it liberates an enormous quantity of energy!
(We cut to the first scene focusing on the film's villains, Chester Hoenicker (Raymond J. Barry) and his son, Bennett (Wil Wheaton), and their henchmen Smith (Clancy Brown) and Wesson (Ted Levine). They're all having a conversation over the fact that Brainard has failed Bennett in chemistry class)
NC (vo): But she ignores the elastic plastic, as it turns out one of the main sponsors of the college...played presumably by Joe Biden...is angry because Brainard failed his son in chemistry.
Bennett: I got thrown off the basketball team. I flunked chemistry.
NC (vo): And yes, that not-quite-Shia LaBeouf is played by Wesley from Star Trek, Wil Wheaton.
Bennett: (to Smith and Wesson) I have a science requirement, you morons!
Jean-Luc Picard (from Star Trek: The Next Generation): Shut up, Wesley!
NC (vo): So he sends his two goons to persuade Brainard to giving his son a good grade. But Brainard is too busy testing Flubber to notice them.
(Brainard coats a golf ball in liquefied Flubber, then drops it, causing it to bounce around the room. The golf ball hits Smith on the head as it bounces out the window, causing a prat fall. Brainard then coats a bowling ball in liquefied Flubber, then drops that, causing it to bounce around the room)
Philip: Hit the deck!
(The bowling ball hits Wesson on the head, before launching straight up in the air)
NC: (mimics Brainard; laughs) Good! Now let me test it on this anvil.
(An anvil is added to the shot of Wesson being hit with the bowling ball for the first time. The bowling ball comes back down and, for the second time, smacks Wesson in the head from thousands of feet high, causing another prat fall)
NC (vo): Uh, yeah, I think his brains would have painted the house if a bowling ball fell on him from that high.
(Cut to Brainard using Flubber to give his vintage Ford Thunderbird flight, and taking it on a test run along with Weebo)
NC (vo): But who cares? Brainard also figured out how to use Flubber to fly his car. He uses this new ability to do...creepy things, like stalk his old girlfriend who's now going out with the obvious villain man.
(From above, Brainard and Weebo watch as Wilson walks away from Sara's house, extremely confident)
Wilson: I can't lose! She's mine.
(Brainard hits Wilson in the head with an apple, resulting in ANOTHER prat fall)
NC (vo): Okay, not everything results in a prat fall!
NC: Hey, look! A speck of snow! (A snowflake lands on his face, causing him to fall in a wild prat fall)
(Later, Brainard and Weebo return home, where Weebo attempts to confess her hidden love for Brainard)
NC (vo): But we also discover that Brainard isn't the only one with strange, romantic lust.
Weebo: I believe a woman should love a man for what he is and not for what she wants him to be. I don't have much of a smile, but I do have a brain.
Philip: It's a human matter, not for computers.
(Weebo looks at Brainard longingly, as we hear the reprise of "Part of Your World" in the background)
Ariel: (singing) I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now...
(Weebo is shown secretly creating a holographic human version of herself named Sylvia in hopes of winning Brainard over)
NC (vo): So in a...DISTURBINGLY frightening subplot, it turns out Weebo actually has fallen in love with the professor, and not only that, has created a holographic human version of herself so that she can physically make out with him.
(Weebo's holographic human self marches up the stairs towards Brainard's bedroom)
NC: (points at her) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Weebo's holographic self longingly gropes Philip as he sleeps)
NC (vo): Okay, this is fucked up right here! This is like something out of a psychological sci-fi thriller, not a Robin Williams Disney film! But that's nothing. Look what happens when she takes it just a few steps too far.
(Cut to various clips of Ghostbusters where Ray Stantz's belt and pants being opened up by an unseen force, as if Weebo is undressing the professor. Brainard wakes up, causing Weebo's hologram to dissipate)
Brainard: Got it.
NC (vo): The cybersex will have to wait, as he comes up with his next big, ingenious use for the Flubber invention: Basketball. That's right. Instead of selling his invention to some business or scientific research lab, getting the money to save the college, he tests the effects of Flubber on basketball. Why aren't you committed?
(Brainard applies Flubber to a basketball at the school basketball court)
NC (vo): Gee, I wonder if it's going to bounce around, break stuff, and result in someone getting hit? (The Flubber-coated basketball does EXACTLY that in that exact order) Like fucking clockwork.
NC: Why don't they just call this movie "Shit Bounces and Nobody Laughs"?
(In another attempt to prove to Sara that Flubber works, Brainard creates Flubber-padded shoes for the unskilled Medfield basketball team to use)
NC (vo): So he gives Flubber-padded shoes to the loser team to try to make them play a lot better. (Cut to said team being talked to by the coach, ALL of them dressed like stereotypical nerds) Look, they're all wearing glasses, so they must be part of the losers, because they're all wearing glasses. Losers, glasses, losers, glasses. They are one and the same.
(Weebo, looking to have some fun, unleashes the Flubber at home)
NC (vo): But back at the house, Weebo unleashes Flubber as they partake in a colorful yet completely pointless dance sequence.
(The Flubber, now having multiplied into a hundred Flubber characters, dances about playing music in an over-the-top dance number. Weebo dances about in the air, almost as if she's turned on by this)
NC (vo): Uh, yeah, why don't you go back to making that 3D woman again? The least you can do is flip us some soft-core porn while the camera's on you. (The Flubber keeps dancing about as music plays) GOD, this is boring. Maybe back then, this was really impressive shit, but now, it just looks like a really bad Super Bowl commercial. (The sequence continues) And like I said, there's NO point! This doesn't benefit the story in any way possible!
(The dancing goes on and on. At one point, we cut to NC, looking bored out of his mind, as the Big Lipped Alligator Moment start to appear)
BLAM Logo: Big-Lipped-- Oh, GOD, I'm bored.
(Back at the basketball game, the second half starts)
NC (vo): While that's going on, Brainard watches as the Flubber he secretly slipped onto the players starts paying off.
(The team plays phenomenally and bounces about like crazy, scoring every basket)
NC (vo): You know, they have a word for this in basketball. I believe it's called, um...cheating.
Philip: JUMP, DALE!
(Dale jumps with the ball, doing mad flips in the air on his way to the basket)
Announcer: Jepner's soaring into the air, makes the steal! Look at him go!
NC (vo; as Dale): I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! WAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
(Dale falls headfirst through the basket, winning the game)
Announcer: And Medfield upsets Rudland!
NC (vo; as the announcer): And Dale is dead, everybody! Dale is dead! This game is officially dedicated to Dale who sacrificed his body literally headfirst to score the winning point. Dale is dead!
(After the close but successful basketball game, Brainard's attempt to win Sara back into his favor fails. Upon returning home, Brainard releases his emotional baggage on Weebo)
NC (vo): After the game, Brainard still tries to win Sara back, but thankfully, she still has a fucking brain and decides to leave him in the dust. So Brainard tells his woes to Weebo in the hopes of finally figuring out what's wrong with him.
Philip: The truth is, Weebo, I'm not absent-minded because I'm selfish, crazy, or inconsiderate. I'm absent-minded because I'm in love with Sara.
NC: Hmmmmmm...nah, you were closer with the selfish, crazy, inconsiderate thing.
(Weebo records Brainard's ramblings and shows the footage to Sara at her house, who, moved by Brainard's words, then goes to his house to reconcile with him)
NC (vo): So, because the machine that HE programmed somehow knows more about love than he does, Weebo records what he said and shows it to Sara. And because the love interests in movies like these are sympathetic dumbasses, she gives him another shot...you know, because he deserves at least four. (Brainard demonstrates Flubber's abilities to Sara by taking her for a flight in his car) So he shows her what Flubber can do as they FINALLY get a good idea about what to do with the stuff: Try selling it!
(Sara and Brainard fly to the Ford Motor Company and show off their flying car applied with Flubber, brandishing a "For Sale" sign)
NC (vo; in a dummy voice): Naw, ya think? I thought dat's just what smart people do'ed!
(Hoenicker discovers Flubber's existence, and summons Smith and Wesson to raid Brainard's house and steal Flubber)
NC (vo): But unfortunately, Joe Biden finds out about Flubber, and hires his men to break into Brainard's house and steal it. (Weebo fights Smith and Wesson head-on, resulting in MORE prat falls) But luckily, Weebo is there to fight them off.
(Weebo plays a film clip of Americans riding on horses as she again charges towards the goons)
Weebo: KISS ME, BIG BOY!
(Wesson, however, whacks her with a baseball bat, destroying her)
NC (vo): Gee, maybe if you stopped putting energy into showing pointless film clips and focused on NOT getting hit with a baseball bat, you wouldn't have gotten hit with a baseball bat. (Brainard and Sara return to find the home a wreck) Brainard and Sara return home, only to find that the Flubber is gone and poor Weebo is destroyed.
Philip: (presiding over Weebo's broken body) Tracking...it's me, Professor Brainard. Focus...Weebo?
Spock: (audio from Star Trek II is edited over Weebo's death scene) Don't grieve, Admiral. It's logical. I have been, and always shall be...your friend. Live long...and prosper.
Philip: It's alright, it's okay...Weebo...can you hear me?
(Weebo slowly dies in the Professor's hands)
NC (vo): Oh, hey, just an idea here, um...WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING REBUILD HER?! I mean, you pretty much created...LIFE...surely you must've kept the notes on how to make another one!* Well, it turns out, he didn't. But luckily, Weebo did! Yeah, I guess she figured his stupidity would do her in at some point, so she took the time to make a backup of herself on the computer. Boy, talk about the invention being smarter than the inventor.
- (In the movie, Philip admits that he can repair Weebo, but that he "can never bring back the life it was she had." This makes NC's statement a fuck-up)
(Brainard and Sara view a prerecorded voice message left by Weebo on the computer, in her holographic human form)
Weebo: Philip, a full and complete design of me is in this file. I've made a few changes. I've removed a few of my flaws...and added a little of you.
(Brainard seems touched by this)
NC (vo; as Weebo): So I forget things, care nothing about what's really important, and try to pass off being an asshole as delightfully quirky. Tee-hee-hee!
(Later, Brainard and Sara go to Hoenicker's house to confront Hoenicker and his goons and attempt to save Flubber, under the guise of accepting Hoenicker's offer of selling Flubber to him)
NC (vo): So Brainard and Sara go to get the Flubber back from Joe Biden, only to find one of the masterminds behind the whole scheme.
(The villain steps out from behind his computer in a BIG reveal; unsurprisingly, it's Wilson)
Wilson: Ah! The lovebirds.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, what a shock. You mean the guy who always plays the villain and even stated in the beginning that he was the villain it turns out is really the villain? Hey, here's a shock, too: Ricky Martin is gay!
Wilson: I was just looking over the formula. Dangerous mix.
NC (vo): This looks like a job for uninspired slapstick!
(Upon taking out the Flubber, Brainard and Sara reveal their ruse to the villains and flash the car's lights like a camera, causing the Flubber to again go berserk and bounce about wildly)
Hoenicker: Get him!
(As Smith and Wesson attempt to punch him, Brainard jumps about in Flubber-padded shoes; Smith and Wesson punch each other by accident in yet ANOTHER prat fall)
NC (vo): Damn it! What is with your sense of balance?! You fall more than the serial killer from Scream!
(Brainard defeats Wesson by punching him in the face, causing him to fly into a statue on the wall, destroying it and knocking Wesson to the ground, unconscious. Bennett takes aim at Brainard with an ashtray)
Sara: Philip, look out!
(Brainard sends the ashtray back at Bennett using his butt, knocking him out. Hoenicker makes a run for it)
NC (vo; as Hoenicker): This is a big fucking deal!
(Sara throws Flubber at Hoenicker, hitting him and launching him outside into a fountain, defeating him once and for all. The Flubber then flies into Wilson's mouth; he grimaces painfully as he swallows it; it then launches out of his rear end and bounces into the air)
NC (vo): Wow, so...the guy who wrote The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink actually had to write the words: "He farted Flubber out of his anus". This is a sad day, people.
(Wilson collapses in defeat)
NC (vo): So they get Flubber back, sell the stuff to save the college, and finally, for the fourth time, try to get married.
(Cut to the wedding)
Priest: ...[they'll] be husband and wife together. You may now kiss the...video screen.
(Cut to Weebo's "daughter" Weebette with a video screen showing Brainard in his tuxedo working in his basement, allowing Sara to get married to Brainard while he still works in his lab at the same time)
NC (vo; completely outraged): WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!?! You mean he STILL couldn't make it to the wedding?! This guy is ASS scum!
(Sara kisses Philip via Weebette's screen)
Philip: I'll meet you at the reception. I'm almost done.
(Sara walks down the aisle with Weebette hand in hand; the crowd applauds)
NC (vo): No! Stop applauding! This isn't charming! This is disturbing! VERY, VERY DISTURBING! After four times, he still couldn't make it to the altar? He is a ball of shit!
(As NC continues voicing his rage, we are shown the final scene, showing Philip and Sara flying in their car to Hawaii, along with Weebette and the Flubber)
NC (vo): Why are you marrying him?! Nothing indicates that he would be a good husband! Where are you spending your honeymoon? Divorce court? Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then? (Mimics Brainard) Oh-ho, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I was really working on this important experiment! (Speaks normally) RUN AWAY, WOMAN! RUN AWAY! Go marry that jerky guy, he at least would show up! True, he's a diabolical villain, but...he would fucking show up!
NC: What a horrible ending! What a horrible movie. WHAT A FLAT-OUT, HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!
(Footage of the movie plays as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): I can't believe how badly this movie is written, and I still can't believe it was written by the late great John Hughes. None of these characters are likeable, and the ones who are are either stupid or have SERIOUS psychological issues.
NC: But, to be fair...maybe it was the other writer. I mean, there were two writers on this movie, John Hughes and this other guy, maybe it was the other guy. I mean, in my opinion, I think it would be very difficult to find a film that was not only bad, but WORSE, than this movie that was only written by John Hughes...(Dramatic queue as the poster for Home Alone 3 appears onscreen) Oh, snap.
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Wilson: I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancée, and make her my wife.