August 17, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate The Flintstones! (The audience boos) I do! I fucking hate The Flintstones!
(Clips from the intro to the 1960s Flintstones cartoon are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, okay, I sort of respect it for being the first weekly animated show on primetime, that’s pretty impressive. But the animation is bad, the jokes are cheap, the stories are forgettable, and the characters just aren’t that interesting. They’re boring as hell! The only cool thing about it was those household appliances that were used from prehistoric animals. That was it.
NC: I've heard of lamer gimmicks to base a movie on.
(The title screen for The Flintstones is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): From the genius director who brought you the awkward comedy of Jingle All the Way, the Flintstones movie, I guess, in some ways, is a perfect movie adaptation of the show. I mean, think about it. It’s just as bland, cheesy, and pointless as the original, so I guess it did its job.
NC: The only problem is, THAT JOB WAS SUCKING! So let’s take a look at the Flintstones live-action movie. (beat) You poor fucking saps.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): The movie begins with… (The credit “Steven Spielrock Presents” is shown) …a pun using the word “rock.” Yeah, this is a Flintstones product, all right. We see the prehistoric business of Slate and Company as led by their boss named Cliff.
Paul Atreides (from Dune, played by Kyle MacLachlan): Long live the fighters!
NC (voiceover): Yes, that is the guy from David Lynch’s Dune. And joining him is Halle Berry, in yet another role she’ll regret after winning an Oscar.
Cliff Vandercave: (to Sharon Stone (Berry)) Right now, I have a vision of you and me dripping with coconut oil on a beach in Rocapulco with Mr. Slate’s fortune to keep us company.
NC: Sounds like a typical visual from Twin Peaks.
NC (voiceover): But no time for that! We have the Flintstones opening to reenact!
Fred Flinstone (John Goodman): Yabba-dabba-doo! (He slides down the back of a dinosaur into his car to clock out of work before the rest of the cartoon opening reenactment plays out)
Background Singers: Flintstones, meet the Flinstones / They’re a modern stone-age family!
NC (voiceover): What’s that? You’re not laughing at this reenactment of a scene everybody recognizes from the original goddamn show? Well, get used to it. Get really fucking used to it.
Background Singers: We’ll have a gay old time!
(At the drive-thru cinema scene, the camera pans to the movie screen that starts the actual movie, beginning with the Universal Studios title card, except with the title “Univershell” spelled out in bones)
NC (voiceover): Oh, oh, “Univershell”? It’s like “Universal,” except they put “shell” ‘cause there were shells back in the Stone Age? Eh, yeah, fuck this. (The title card for the Flintstones live-action movie is shown) Wait a minute! That fucking poster said we were seeing “Tar Wars”! (Earlier in the scene at the drive-thru cinema’s entrance, there is a poster labeled “Tar Wars” upon a camera close-up) I want to see “Tar Wars”! I don’t care if it’s even just two people drowning each other! It’s gotta be more entertaining than this!
Fred and Barney: (singing while riding together in a car) There’s a town I know where the hipsters go called Bedrock!
NC (voiceover): So we see Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, played by John Goodman and Rick Moranis. Barney is excited because Fred just gave him a loan to finally go and adopt his own son. Why? Insert barren Betty joke with some sort of rock pun here.
Barney: Think I’ll be a good daddy, Fred?
Fred: Well, you’re bound to find somethin’ you’re good at.
Barney: Yeah, sure—Hey! (He and Fred playfully fight until Fred locks Barney’s head under his armpit) Uncle! (Fred lets go and chuckles)
NC: Wow! The…soullessness of that scene was really quite astounding.
NC (voiceover): So Fred goes home to his family, Wilma, played by Elizabeth Perkins, a CG Dino, and I swear to God, one of the Olsen Twins.*
(A shot of Pebbles playing with her dollhouse is shown with the credits “With Mary Kate [and] Ashley Olsen” is shown over it while the Full House theme music is heard)
- She's actually played by Elaine and Melanie Silver who, curiously enough, are also twins.
NC (voiceover): So Fred confesses to Wilma that he took some money out to help the Rubbles as Wilma, it turns out, is very proud of him.
Wilma: What you have just done for the Rubbles is the sweetest, most generous thing I ever heard. (She and Fred kiss)
NC (voiceover): This will be one of the many scenes that goes totally nowhere. (We see Fred hold Wilma and bring her down before we cut to the view of the city) Oh, for God’s sake, that’s not the set! It’s the Happy Meal toys on display!
(Cut to Betty Rubble (played by Rosie O’Donnell) pacing around in a waiting room)
NC (voiceover): Uhh…no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Rosie O’Donnell should not be the live-action version of Betty. That’s incredible. I mean, it’s like... (Two images of Rosie O’Donnell and the cartoon Betty are shown side by side) BOOM! Nothing in common! Instant missing of the idea! Quite outstanding, actually!
(Live-action Betty giggles)
NC (voiceover): So they adopt a kid that looks like…oddly enough, a real caveman…and decide to clean him up and make him look like Jake Lloyd. Of course, in keeping with the cartoon, the kid is stronger than life, and they end up calling him Bamm-Bamm.
(Cut to a scene with Barney and Bamm-Bamm playing catch with a ball; Barney inadvertently throws the ball at Bamm-Bamm’s face, making Bamm-Bamm throw the ball back; the hard throw causes Barney to fly backward into Fred’s backyard; Fred is relaxing in a hammock)
Barney: (to Fred) Wow! Heh! What an arm! (He throws the ball back)
NC: You know, these scenes are so rushed, I keep expecting a commercial logo to pop up in the corner!
Fred (from the Cocoa Pebbles cereal commercial): Post Cocoa Pebbles cereal. Part of this complete breakfast!
(Cut to Fred winning a bowling tournament at the bowling alley, and in honor of his victory, Barney gives a speech)
NC (voiceover): So they go ahead and recreate the bowling scenes from the show—It’s not funny, but I’m sure they felt like they had to—as Barney reads a poem that he’s written about his best friend Fred.
Barney: “Since I was just a lad of ten, I’ve had the very bestest friend. But for my friend, this special part is what’s behind his ribs: his heart.”
NC: Come on, save Jewel’s poetry for later.
Fred: (goes to shake Barney’s hand) That was beautiful, Barn.
Barney: (shakes hands back) I meant every word of it, Fred.
Fred: Care to join me in a cold one?
NC: (as Fred) Come on, Barn! Let’s celebrate with a Winston cigarette!
Fred (from the “Winston's Cigarettes” commercial): Winston tastes good like a…cigarette should!
(Cut to Fred coming home, only to find Wilma's mother, Pearl, is there)
NC (voiceover): So he comes home only to find that Wilma’s angry mother is there, played by Elizabeth Taylor.
Pearl Slaghoople (Taylor): He robs your nest egg to bail out that little troll next door, while my daughter has to wash her clothes in the river.
NC (voiceover): How does one accept the fact that she was once Cleopatra and now she’s in The Flintstones?
NC: Eh, I suppose it can work backwards, too.
(A Photoshopped image of the Cleopatra movie poster is shown with Wilma’s face superimposed over Cleopatra’s face, and the theme music from Cleopatra is played briefly)
NC (voiceover): So after another, oh, two minutes of a scene that doesn’t go anywhere, we cut to the next day where their boss Cliff has an exciting announcement.
Cliff: (addresses to the employees) Today, I am here to formally announce the creation of Slate and Company’s executive placement program. (An orangutan raises its hand in the air as if to ask a question) Hold your questions please. (The orangutan puts its hand down)
Koopa (from the Super Mario Bros. movie): A monkey!
Cliff: An aptitude test will be given, granting one of you the opportunity to crawl out of the primordial ooze and BE somebody! A vice president at Slate and Company!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, I remember when my boss at my old job used to come down and spontaneously offer the vice president seat on one of the lower class!
NC: Unfortunately, I didn’t get it. But I showed him!
(Cut to old footage of NC at his old job standing up before a group of employees in a lunchroom and removing his shirt with the quote “I QUIT” written on his chest)
Cliff: Good luck, and may the best biped win.
(Close-up on Fred, as a thought bubble appears next to him with an image of him dressed richly and holding two bags of money with dollar signs on them)
Fred: (thinking) An executive? This is my chance to be somebody.
NC: (is confused) …Thank you for that…brief journey into Fred’s psyche?
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Wilma and Betty talk about the excitement of their husbands taking the exam.
Betty: You know, Wilma, if Fred scores the highest on that test, you’ll be able to hire someone to do your laundry for you.
Wilma: If Fred scores the highest on that test, I’ll have to hire someone to revive me.
NC (voiceover): That’s right, laugh! It’s the only reason you got this goddamn role, so you might as well exploit it as much as you can!
(Wilma and Betty laugh)
NC (voiceover; mocks their laughter): Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
(Cut to the day of the exam)
Cliff: Welcome. You will have one hour to complete the exam. Please carve all answers with a well-sharpened Number 2 chisel.
NC: (as Cliff) The first part of the exam: Riding the sandworms!
(Cut to a clip from Dune with Paul Atreides riding a sandworm through the desert)
NC: Okay, okay, okay, I’m…I’m done with those jokes.
NC (voiceover): So they take the test as Fred finds he had a real tough time answering all of the questions.
Cliff: Please slide your answer slab into the numbered envelope provided.
NC (voiceover; as Cliff): Yes, please slide your big hunks of rock that you had to write on into the thin paper-like objects that probably would have been a lot easier! (normal) So Barney feels guilty for Fred and—because he’s such a good friend—decides to switch the exams around. So, of course, now Fred is mistaken for the smartest man in the group, because he apparently scored the highest on the test, which is already kind of weird. Barney was the smartest guy there? Really? (An image of Albert Einstein and cartoon Barney are shown with a mathematical equal sign between them) Huh. Who knew?
(Cut to a different scene with Cliff and Sharon Stone discussing about the exam results)
Cliff: Flintstone? No, this can’t be right! He must have cheated. He’s dense, he’s witless…
Stone: He’s perfect.
NC (voiceover): Actually, how does this plan work? They’re looking for the biggest moron to be a patsy by hiring the smartest person that the test determines?
NC: That’s like saying, “We gotta find the dumbest person who can't put anything together! (He picks up a piece of paper to look at it) Let’s look at this MacGyver fellow.”
NC (voiceover): So Fred is hired into the big leagues as Cliff proudly shows him around.
Cliff: (speaks while bringing Fred into an elevator and ride up it together) Any gravel brain can shovel rock down in the quarry. We interface, Flintstone. We strategize…
NC (voiceover): You know, I can’t figure out if these sets are extremely clever or rejected theme park attractions.
Fred: (speaks after being shown his new office) This is my office? This is my chair? My desk?
(Sharon Stone walks by to pose against one side of the office doorway)
Stone: Am I interrupting?
NC: (as Fred) Is that my ho?
Cliff: Fred, I’d like you to meet your new secretary, Miss Sharon Stone.
NC: (leans back in his chair to press his hands against his forehead in pain) Oh, ow! OW! OW! That joke hurt too much! OW!
Stone: (to Fred) Can I get you anything? Coffee?
Stone: (leans forward and asks softly) How would you like it?
NC: (starts to speak but then looks around in uncertainty as he does so) Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….
Fred: In a cup?
NC: Good answer!
NC (voiceover): He also comes across a bird who plays back everything he says, voiced by Harvey Korman.
Dictabird: It was I, your Dictabird.
Dictabird: Dictabird! Read my beak! (caws) “Cliff, let’s play golf. We can prioritize, conceptualize, and, uh…tenderize.”
NC: (as the Dictabird, moving his arms like an audio animatronic) I will be your guide on the Flintstones ride.
NC (voiceover): But there is one downside to his fame. It turns out he has to fire Barney, because apparently, he scored the lowest on the exam, which, of course, Barney switched.
(Cut to a surprise party held for Fred)
Barney: (hands a new suitcase to Fred as a gift) Congratulations, big guy!
Fred: Barney, I can’t accept this. (He hands the suitcase back)
Barney: (pushes the suitcase, getting Fred to reconsider) Sure, you can!
Fred: (shoves the suitcase back) No, I can’t. Take it back.
Betty: Don’t you like the color?
Fred: (to Barney) You’re fired.
Record Player Bird: Fired?!
(Fred takes his party hat off and leaves the scene)
NC: (as Barney, pretending to hold the suitcase) I guess it was the wrong color.
NC (voiceover): So after another, oh, two minutes of a scene that ends on nothing*, we cut to Barney and Fred talking outside.
*(Actually, there's only 18 seconds of the party shown before we cut to the next scene)
Barney: Don’t worry about me, Fred. I’ve been working in that quarry since it was only eight feet deep.
Barney: There could be a whole new world opening up for me.
NC (voiceover): Boy, he’s sure taking that “Best friend firing him” thing pretty well, isn’t he? Did we miss a scene?
Barney: Hey, Fred, there’s just one thing I gotta know. After all these years, how come they’re canning me?
Fred: You got the lowest score, pal.
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, Barney finds out that he’s a total fuck-up for not realizing that he’s a genius as we cut to our next scene with—(Cut to a little children’s park that’s called "Jurassic Park") OW! OW! Joke hurting me! OW!
(Cut to Wilma and Betty shopping with Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles running around the store)
Betty: (while Wilma is posing with a fancy dress on herself) Wilma, that is beautiful. (giggles)
Pebbles: (to Bamm-Bamm) You can’t catch me, Bamm-Bamm!
Wilma: Well, I have always wanted a Halstone original.
NC (voiceover; as Betty): Wilma, is it stranger still being friends even though your husband FIRED my husband?
NC (voiceover; as Wilma): I don’t know. I’m still wondering how we go to the bathroom in this crazy world.
NC (voiceover; normal): So Bamm-Bamm destroys a bunch of priceless crystals that bankrupts the Rubbles, which means now they have to live with the Flintstones in order to get by.
(Cut to Fred and Barney outside barbecuing)
Fred: Flintstones and Rubbles under one roof.
Barney: Yeah, but, Fred, you know it’s only temporary.
Fred: It better be. (Silence comes between them at first before he starts laughing and Barney joins in)
Walter Sobchak: (from The Big Lebowski): I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude! Across this line, you do not!
(While Fred and Barney continue laughing, Dino sneaks a piece of steak from the barbecue and walks away with it)
Fred: Hey, Barn, you like your steak rare?
Fred: (points to where Dino is) That one’s yours.
(Dino squeals and runs away as Barney chases after him)
Barney: Hey, hey, stop! Come here, you purple rodent!
Fred: Hey, Barn! Don’t forget to wash that off before you eat it!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, enough of that shit. Let’s cut to another Halle Berry sex scene.
(Cut to Sharon Stone and Fred teasing each other in Fred’s office with Stone lying on her back on the desk and looking up to him; Wilma and Pebbles walk in on the scene. Note: This scene comes before the scene showing the Rubbles moving in with the Flintstones)
Fred: (stands up) Wilma! What a surprise! Oh, that’ll be all, Miss Stone. I’ll sign those documents and place them on your desk.
Stone: Whatever you want. (She walks out of the office in a flirtatious manner)
(Wilma slaps Fred in the chest with the back of her hand to get him to stand straight and focus)
Wilma: Your secretary is very attractive.
Fred: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
Wilma: I’ve come to talk about the Rubbles' troubles. It’s gotten so bad, they’ve had to…
NC (voiceover): Well, look at that! Another scene that didn’t seem to go anywhere! He flirts with Halle Berry and it doesn’t affect the plot at all. And wouldn’t you know it? This scene also happens to be about two minutes long! That seems to be the pattern of this movie: start a scene, have it go nowhere, and then disappear after two minutes. That’s all this movie is; just a collection of unfunny two-minute scenes, one after another! Seriously, Halle Berry should just come out in the middle of a scene and be like…
NC: (as Halle Berry) Guys, I’m really sorry, I know this movie is hard to sit through, but, uhm…here. (Pretends to open his jacket as if to flash the audience, then closes it) Did that help? I hope that helped. That’s all I got. Look, just bear with it; there’s only an hour left, it’ll be over soon. (whispers) It’ll be over soon.
NC (voiceover): But Berry is concerned, because Flintstone is starting to question the choices that Cliff is making.
Stone: I’m worried, Cliff. He’s smarter than we thought. (Cliff chuckles while clipping his toenails) He’s been asking a lot of questions.
NC: You mean the guy you actually tested the smartest is actually asking smart questions? (Sarcastically laughs) Ah-HAH! Would’ve seen that coming.
NC (voiceover): But Cliff throws more money at him, as this, of course, turns Fred into a greedy self-centered jerk. Kinda like the producers of this movie.
(Cut to Fred, Wilma and Betty eating at a restaurant and Barney is working there as a busboy)
Barney: Fred! Did you hear what happened to everyone at the quarry today?
Barney: (to Betty and Wilma) He fired them!
(Betty and Wilma gasp)
Fred: I didn’t do that.
Barney: You did, too! It’s all over the TV!
Fred: Wilma, who are you gonna believe? Me or some busboy? He’s just jealous of my hard-earned success!
NC: Wow, what a Flints-hole.
NC (voiceover): So after Barney and Betty decide to leave, Wilma decides she’s pretty angry at Fred, too.
(Cut to Wilma shutting the front door and the camera pans right to a table lamp that is in the shape of a woman’s leg)
NC (voiceover): Hold it. (He freezes the footage and does a close-up on the lamp) Is that the Christmas Story lamp?
NC: …I don’t get it.
Fred: Who needs the Rubbles?
Wilma: I do. I don’t need…this necklace. (She rips her stone necklace off her neck) You know, I don’t need this lamp. (She goes over to shove the lamp off the table)
Mr. Parker (from A Christmas Story): NADDAFINGAH!!!
Wilma: And I don’t need…this television set.
Fred: Not the TV! (Wilma pushes the TV forward, causing a little explosion on the back of it)
NC: (gasps) No! We didn’t figure out a funny way to explain how that thing has electricity to make it function yet!
Fred: (after Wilma and Pebbles have packed up and leave) Once around the block, you’ll realize the folly of your ways and you’ll come crawling back!
Zod (from Superman): You will bow down before me! Both you, and then one day, your heirs!
NC (voiceover): So after—gasp!—another two minute scene that goes nowhere, Flintstone becomes a fugitive, because Cliff has framed him for embezzling money. Yeah, because when I think of the story The Flintstones, I think of embezzlement plots. But Wilma has an idea as…she suddenly loves him again, I guess…as she gets the bird to tell everybody the truth.
Wilma: (to the Dictabird) You are the only one who can help clear my husband.
Dictabird: My, my, what a delicious irony. Thank you for sharing it with me. Now, let me share something with you. (He seemingly blows a raspberry at Wilma, though no tongue is sticking out)
NC: (as the Dictabird) If the animatronics can make my tongue stick out, that'd be very insulting!
NC (voiceover): So an angry mob finds Flintstone and tries to hang both him and Barney, after Barney confesses that a lot of this was his fault, too.
Fred: I want you to know, if I had to have someone hanging next to me, I’m glad it’s you.
Barney: I guess switchin’ them tests didn’t turn out much like I planned, huh, Fred? Story of my life.
NC (voiceover; as Mob Person #1): Uhh, anyone know why we’re not hanging them yet? (as Mob Person #2) I don’t know, something about character development. (as Mob Person #1) In this movie? (scoffs) That’s a load.
NC (voiceover; normal): But Wilma and Betty come just in time as they have the bird tell everybody what happened. Unfortunately, Cliff finds out and decides to kidnap Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm unless he gets the bird back.
(Cut to the quarry with Fred, Barney and the Dictabird confronting Cliff)
Fred: First, we want our children.
Cliff: Of course. (He shows them to where Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are tied to an assembly line that is high above where Fred and Barney are standing; Pebble screams) Now, give me the bird.
NC: Gladly. (He blows into his right thumb and gets his middle finger to raise up before flipping off at the camera with a smile)
(Fred lets the Dictabird go and approach Cliff)
Dictabird: (to the camera) I should have signed with Disney. They never would’ve allowed this sort of thing to happen. (sighs)
NC: I don’t know. Killing off innocent...
NC (voiceover): ...animals seems to be like a fetish for them.
(Cut back to the movie, Cliff activates the assembly line)
Pebbles: [Help,] Daddy!
(Bamm-Bamm struggles to break free from his ropes)
NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute! We’ve seen Bamm-Bamm lift heavy furniture, SMASH through a stone wall, and yet he can’t break through a simple rope? What, is rope like his kryptonite? Is he allergic to hemp?
(Cut to Barney using a catapult in hopes of being able to reach the kids and launches himself high)
NC (voiceover; as Barney): Science of Wile E. Coyote, don’t fail me now!
(Barney ends up crashing toward the side of the cliff; Cut to Barney managing to make it and landing in front of the kids)
Bamm-Bamm: Hi, Da-da.
Barney: (smiles) You did it! You called me Da-da!
NC: …I guess that was a plot thread that we didn’t explain very well!
NC (voiceover): So Barney saves the kids as Flintstone has the final showdown with Cliff.
Dictabird: (stands behind Fred as Cliff aims his gun at him) Oh, Mama.
(Sharon Stone uses a bag of money to hit Cliff on the back of the head, making him collapse forward to the ground; Sharon enters in on the scene)
Sharon Stone: Will there be anything else, Mr. Flintstone?
Fred: No, Miss Stone. Take the rest of the day off.
NC: As well as your top. No, no, no, just…wait for Swordfish.
NC (voiceover): So Fred destroys the machine as a whole bunch of new material called concrete covers Cliff, burying him alive. Of course, the cops finally arrive just as everything wraps up and the CEO looks over the destruction.
Mr. Slate: (gestures to Cliff's body covered in hardened concrete) How did this happen to Cliff?
Fred: Mr. Slate, I’m sorry.
Mr. Slate: Sorry? I LOVE this stuff! You’re a genius. You are hereby promoted to president of the entire concrete division!
NC: (as Mr. Slate) You’re…obviously a murderer, but that’s okay! Apparently, I like hiring psychos here.
NC (voiceover): So the Flintstones get done watching the movie about themselves…which was apparently called “Tar Wars”…as they reenact even more scenes which just constantly reminds me of why the cartoon wasn’t funny.
(Cut to Fred banging on his front door after presumably being locked out by his pet sabre-tooth tiger)
Background Singers: We’ll have a gay old time!
(Cut to black before we see the following credits: “The producers wish to thank the people of Bedrock and the Bedrock Film Commission, without whose assistance, this film could not have been made” and “No dinosaurs were harmed in the making of this motion picture.”)
NC (voiceover): Oh, wow, they’re saying Bedrock was a real place, huh? Just like all great films constantly blurring the lines of reality.
NC: And…constantly failing at it. This movie sucks, this movie sucks, this movie SUCKS! (He slams his hands on his desk on the last “Sucks”)
(Clips from the movie are played again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, I suppose if you have little kids, they might like it, but, dude, that’s a lot of money to toss into a bunch of throwaway puns. To give credit, though, you can’t really blame Hanna-Barbera for it. I mean, if some executive came up to you and said, “Hey, we know you made The Flintstones on only five bucks and three pieces of paper. Now we want to throw millions of dollars at it.” Would you say no?
NC: Probably not. But look on the bright side. At least we know they never make the same mistake again.
(The movie poster for The Tom and Jerry Movie is shown briefly)
NC: …Fuck Hollywood. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—(Betty giggling)