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Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

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|Row 3 info = [[Balto II: Wolf Quest]]
 
|Row 3 info = [[Balto II: Wolf Quest]]
 
|Row 4 title = Next Review
 
|Row 4 title = Next Review
|Row 4 info = [[Man on the Moon]]
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|Row 4 info = TBA
 
|Row 5 title = Link
 
|Row 5 title = Link
 
|Row 5 info = http://channelawesome.com/final-fantasy-the-spirits-within-nostalgia-critic/
 
|Row 5 info = http://channelawesome.com/final-fantasy-the-spirits-within-nostalgia-critic/
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'''NC:''' Ah, Malcolm, Tamara, take a seat.
 
'''NC:''' Ah, Malcolm, Tamara, take a seat.
   
'''Malcolm:''' But...there's no chairs.
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'''Malcolm:''' But... there's no chairs.
   
 
''(Sudden close-up to a smiling NC)''
 
''(Sudden close-up to a smiling NC)''
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'''Malcolm:''' You know a rooster can't be female, right?
 
'''Malcolm:''' You know a rooster can't be female, right?
   
'''NC:''' I don't see gender, only money. Thus, I'm gonna have them star in all the sketches moving forward.
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'''NC:''' I don't see gender, only money. Thus, I'm gonna have them star in all the sketches moving forward
   
 
'''Tamara:''' Wait. You're replacing us portraying characters...
 
'''Tamara:''' Wait. You're replacing us portraying characters...
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'''Tamara:''' But our reach just doubled.
 
'''Tamara:''' But our reach just doubled.
   
'''NC:''' D'oh! Everybody associates your voices with them, though!
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'''NC:''' Doh! Everybody associates your voices with them, though!
   
 
'''Malcolm:''' Well, if you want the illusion to be ruined...
 
'''Malcolm:''' Well, if you want the illusion to be ruined...
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''(The posters and shots of the movies mentioned are shown with Aki's face Photoshopped onto some of the characters) ''
 
''(The posters and shots of the movies mentioned are shown with Aki's face Photoshopped onto some of the characters) ''
   
'''NC (vo):''' So you could have ''[[The Incredibles]]'' starring Aki Ross, ''[[Next Best Christmas Specials|Polar Express]]'' starring Aki Ross, maybe even cross into live-action movies, like ''Bad Santa'' with Aki Ross, or ''[[The Cat in the Hat|Cat in the Hat]]'' with Aki Ross. ''(After a beat, "???" appears on screen)'' I don't know. It's a weird idea! On the one hand, the lines of artistic identity are being blurred all the time, with animated musical groups like ''(promo posters of...)'' Gorillaz and Miku being such big hits. But something about this just seems...silly. I mean, what? ''(More pictures followed by Photoshopped ones are shown, including one from 2017's ''[[Justice League]]'')'' Is Gollum gonna play a [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)|Ninja Turtle]]? Is [[Shrek]] gonna play Superman's upper lip? Is [[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story|General]] [[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Disneycember)|Tarkin]] gonna play [[Star Wars: The Phantom Menace|Jar Jar]]? Is [[Avengers: Infinity War|Thanos]] gonna play Sonic the Hedgehog?! ''(At this point, the poster for the already infamous then-upcoming 2019 ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' movie is shown with Thanos' face on the main character's, followed by a caption that reads...)'' Please? I guess in children's media, we've kind of done this before, ''(The posters for ''[[Fun and Fancy Free|Mickey and the Beanstalk]]'','' [[The Muppet Christmas Carol ]]''and the shot of Bugs Bunny wearing a Superman suit are shown)'' putting Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny and the Muppets in different roles, but that's usually more for laughs. And even then, they usually don't stray far away from their well-known personalities. They don't act much different, outside of the characteristics we already know them for...which is exactly what acting is supposed to be, for the most part. ''(As he says this, images of Jack Nicholson and Jeff Goldblum are shown) ''I mean, if Aki Ross played Sadness in ''[[Inside Out]]'', does that mean we couldn't change the way she look to match the character because it's already a designed virtual actress? Or would we morph her to look like the character, defeating the purpose of the virtual actress? The whole thing's a little odd. But people the time were convinced this was going to be the next big thing.
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'''NC (vo):''' So you could have ''[[The Incredibles]]'' starring Aki Ross, ''[[Next Best Christmas Specials|Polar Express]]'' starring Aki Ross, maybe even cross into live-action movies, like ''Bad Santa'' with Aki Ross, or ''[[The Cat in the Hat|Cat in the Hat]]'' with Aki Ross. ''(After a beat, "???" appears on screen)'' I don't know. It's a weird idea! On the one hand, the lines of artistic identity are being blurred all the time, with animated musical groups like ''(promo posters of...)'' Gorillaz and Miku being such big hits. But something about this just seems...silly. I mean, what? ''(More pictures followed by Photoshopped ones are shown, including one from 2017's ''Justice League'')'' Is Gollum gonna play a [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)|Ninja Turtle]]? Is [[Shrek]] gonna play Superman's upper lip? Is [[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story|General]] [[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Disneycember)|Tarkin]] gonna play [[Star Wars: The Phantom Menace|Jar Jar]]? Is [[Avengers: Infinity War|Thanos]] gonna play Sonic the Hedgehog?! ''(At this point, the poster for the already infamous then-upcoming 2019 ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' movie is shown with Thanos' face on the main character's, followed by a caption that reads...)'' Please? I guess in children's media, we've kind of done this before, ''(The posters for ''[[Fun and Fancy Free|Mickey and the Beanstalk]]'','' [[The Muppet Christmas Carol ]]''and the shot of Bugs Bunny wearing a Superman suit are shown)'' putting Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny and the Muppets in different roles, but that's usually more for laughs. And even then, they usually don't stray far away from their well-known personalities. They don't act much different, outside of the characteristics we already know them for...which is exactly what acting is supposed to be, for the most part. ''(As he says this, images of Jack Nicholson and Jeff Goldblum are shown) ''I mean, if Aki Ross played Sadness in ''[[Inside Out]]'', does that mean we couldn't change the way she look to match the character because it's already a designed virtual actress? Or would we morph her to look like the character, defeating the purpose of the virtual actress? The whole thing's a little odd. But people the time were convinced this was going to be the next big thing.
   
 
''(The clip of the ABC TV spot of the movie is shown)''
 
''(The clip of the ABC TV spot of the movie is shown)''
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'''NC:''' Out!
 
'''NC:''' Out!
   
'''Malcolm:''' He might be able to star in future sketches.
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'''Malcolm:''' You might be able to star in future sketches.
   
 
'''NC:''' OOOOOOUUUT!!
 
'''NC:''' OOOOOOUUUT!!
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''(Tamara and Malcolm get off the floor, smiling, and leave)''
 
''(Tamara and Malcolm get off the floor, smiling, and leave)''
   
'''NC:''' These virtual deals are getting worse all the time.
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'''NC:''' These virtual deals getting worse all the time.
   
 
''(The Columbia Pictures logo is shown with the electronic laser sound effect)''
 
''(The Columbia Pictures logo is shown with the electronic laser sound effect)''
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'''Soldier:''' ''(to Aki)'' Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
 
'''Soldier:''' ''(to Aki)'' Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
   
'''Aki:''' There's a life form in here.
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'''Aki:''' There's a life form.
   
 
'''Soldier:''' I'm taking you in.
 
'''Soldier:''' I'm taking you in.
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'''NC (vo):''' Oh, come on!
 
'''NC (vo):''' Oh, come on!
   
'''NC:''' No grand music on that standard sci-fi shot?
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'''NC:''' No grand music on that standart sci-fi shot?
   
 
'''NC (vo; imitating horns):''' BWAAAAAAM! BWAAAAAAM! BWAAAAM...a ship is landing...BWAAAAAAM!
 
'''NC (vo; imitating horns):''' BWAAAAAAM! BWAAAAAAM! BWAAAAM...a ship is landing...BWAAAAAAM!
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'''Aki:''' It's all right.
 
'''Aki:''' It's all right.
   
'''NC (vo; as Aki):''' Your chin is still 2/3 of your body.
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'''NC (vo; as Aki):''' Your chin is still 2/3 your body.
   
 
'''Ryan:''' ''(to Jane)'' What's with her and the captain?
 
'''Ryan:''' ''(to Jane)'' What's with her and the captain?
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'''Sid:''' Yes.
 
'''Sid:''' Yes.
   
'''NC:''' ''(as the council member, while the shot of Gaia and the main characters (their heads covered by red "X"s) from ''[[Captain Planet]]'' is shown) ''She's gone through eighth-grade Planeteer bodies the way centipedes have gone through socks. For the sake of our children, we cannot risk this!
+
'''NC:''' ''(as the council member, while the shot of Gaia and the main characters (their heads covered by red "X"s) from ''[[Captain Planet]]'' is shown) ''She's gone through eighth-grade Planeteer bodies the way centipedes have gone through socks. For the sake of our children, we cannon risk this!
   
 
'''Council Member 2:''' Even if Gaia does exist, won't we still have to remove the Phantoms?
 
'''Council Member 2:''' Even if Gaia does exist, won't we still have to remove the Phantoms?
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'''NC:''' Where is the roof?!
 
'''NC:''' Where is the roof?!
   
'''Tamara:''' ''(shows up as a waitress)'' I'm sorry, sir. We're out of minestrone.
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'''Tamara:''' ''(shows up as a waitress)'' I'm sorry, sir. Want broth or minestrone?
   
 
'''NC:''' Where is the soup?!
 
'''NC:''' Where is the soup?!
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'''Malcolm:''' ''(comes to NC and points at something)'' Look. A deer.
 
'''Malcolm:''' ''(comes to NC and points at something)'' Look. A deer.
   
''(An image of a deer is shown in NC's room. NC looks down and sees the absence of a hoof)''
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''(An image of a deer is shown in NC's room. NC looks down and sees the absense of a hoof)''
   
 
'''NC:''' Where is the hoof?!
 
'''NC:''' Where is the hoof?!
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''(Tamara is now dressed like a magician)''
 
''(Tamara is now dressed like a magician)''
   
'''Tamara:''' Look! Magic!
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'''Tamara:''' Look! Magic!
   
 
''(She makes a white bunny disappear with her wand. No sound is heard)''
 
''(She makes a white bunny disappear with her wand. No sound is heard)''
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'''Malcolm:''' Dream of merriment and joy.
 
'''Malcolm:''' Dream of merriment and joy.
   
'''NC:''' I will.
+
'''NC:''' I will.{{Stub}}
 
''(Malcolm and Tamara quietly leave the room. As the night comes, next to the sleeping NC appears a Tooth Fairy...or rather, a crazily smiling man with a beard wearing tutu, played by Jim. He waves his wand in front of the pillow to collect the tooth and deliver a coin, laughs quietly like a lunatic and disappears. As "Morning Song" reaches its coda, NC wakes up the next morning, yawns and walks to the kitchen. He takes a box of Lucky Frosted Cocoa Trix)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(scoffs)'' Cereal. What will they think of next?
 
 
''(He joins Malcolm and Tamara (who is still dressed like a magician) eating Tuffy Flakes and [[Ghostbusters 2|Sugar Frosted Children]] [[Children of the Corn|of Corn Flakes]] at the table)''
 
 
'''Tamara:''' Oh, hello, Critic.
 
 
'''NC:''' Good morning, Malcolm and Tamara. Sleep well?
 
 
'''Malcolm:''' Sure did. Oh, did the fairy come last night?
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(stops unwrapping the box)'' Why, I got so excited for cereal, I didn't even think to check!
 
 
'''Malcolm:''' Well, better go take a look.
 
 
''(Exclaiming in joy, NC throws the cereal box away and runs to the couch like a bunny. He puts his hand under a pillow and takes out a coin)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(suddenly speaking to the camera with an angry facial expression)'' Where is the tooth?!
 
 
''(He rises up...to meet [[Fard Muhammad]] in a tux holding a mike and the confetti falling on him. Behind him, a banner that reads "Most Annoyingly Drawn Out Joke" is hanging. Malcolm and Tamara come to NC to congratulate him. In the background, Ludwig Van Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" is playing)''
 
 
'''Fard:''' Congratulations, Critic! That was the most annoyingly drawn-out joke you've done in years! How does it feel?
 
 
'''NC:''' Well, you know, we were nervous at first, I mean, we deliberately wasted everybody's time, I mean, the review just completely disappeared. But, you know, hopefully, we gave some nightmares out there with the fairy... ''(points up)'' and I want to thank God...and to all the people I pissed off out there, I'm sorry, I'm not well! ''(goes to hug Malcolm and Tamara)''
 
 
'''Fard:''' ''(chuckles and speaks to the camera)'' Emotional words. Stupid emotional words. I'm Fard Muhammad, and I'm not talking to a camera right now; I'm just insane!
 
 
''(Back to the film; Aki reveals to the council that she has been infected and the collected spirit signatures are keeping her infection stable, convincing the council that there may be another way to defeat the Phantoms. However, this revelation leads Hein to incorrectly conclude that she is being controlled by the Phantoms)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Dr. Ross shows that she is infected by the Phantoms and that the research has slowed it down. But the only way to destroy the infection without destroying her is finding the other spirits.
 
 
''(Gray joins Aki, who is tampering with a machine in her lab)''
 
 
'''Gray:''' Mind if I tag along?
 
 
'''Aki:''' You'll probably get bored.
 
 
'''NC:''' "Get"? Have you been watching this movie?
 
 
''(Meanwhile, Neil and Ryan stop their working and try to deliberately cause troubles to the machinery, to Jane's chagrin)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' But two of the guys stop their transport so that Gray and Ross can have some time alone.
 
 
'''Neil:''' We're just gonna strand them for a while.
 
 
'''Ryan:''' We're just helping the captain out a little.
 
 
'''Neil:''' Yeah, come on, Jane. Where's your sense of romance?
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Ah, that old cliche of muscle-bound military men trying to hook couples up.
 
 
'''Neil:''' It's amore, baby.
 
 
'''NC:''' It's okay. It's not like any of their lifespans are limited...oh, wait!
 
 
'''Aki:''' ''(trying to activate her machine)'' What's going on?
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' Oh, God, that's how ''[[Maximum Overdrive]]'' started!
 
 
'''Gray:''' So will you tell me about them?
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' She tells him about the spirits they've collected and the odd places they've been found.
 
 
'''Aki:''' The fourth was a bird. Ever tried to track a sparrow from outer space? What am I saying? You probably would love that.
 
 
'''Gray:''' You're right, I probably would.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(gets confused)'' He's always been known for his late-night sparrow tracking. ''(shrugs)''
 
 
'''Aki:''' The fifth was a little girl dying in a hospital emergency room.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(astonished)'' Oh, you're not ready for a scene like this, movie. You have to practice with a few Spocks and Bubbas before you get to do a scene like this! ''(As he says this, the shots from ''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'' and ''Forrest Gump'' are shown)''
 
 
'''Aki:''' I told her everything had a spirit. Dogs, cats, trees, little girls.
 
 
'''NC:''' ...Really? You're...you're trying this?
 
 
'''Aki:''' I told her that she wasn't dying, just returning to the Earth's spirit.
 
 
'''NC (vo; sighs):''' Okay, I guess I'll give credit that they're attempting to go outside their comfort zone, but...I just don't really see how this is the romantic moment the movie was building up a second ago.
 
 
'''Aki:''' She told me that she was ready to die.
 
 
''(Cut to a scene from before)''
 
 
'''Neil:''' It's amore, baby.
 
 
'''Aki:''' Only seven years old and ready to die.
 
 
'''Neil:''' It's amore, baby.
 
 
'''Gray:''' ''(comes closer to Aki)'' I'm sorry.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Gray)'' And I mean that in the most non-caring Alec Baldwin-y way I can say that.
 
 
'''Aki:''' I have to find the seventh and eighth spirits. ''(Gray takes Aki by her shoulders)''
 
 
'''NC:''' Holy shit, is he using this as a means to get in her pants?!
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' I guess this was a romantic scene after all!
 
 
'''Aki:''' I don't know how much time I have left.
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Gray):''' Mmm, kids dying are hot. Tell me about the ending of my girl. It so puts me in the mood.
 
 
'''Neil:''' It's amore, baby.
 
 
''(Before Aki and Gray can kiss, the ship starts shaking, and the electronic devices have a glitch)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Gray)'' Damn 90s-early 2000s cock-blocking trope!
 
 
''(Hein is shown in his office looking in his window through the blinds, when Gray comes to him)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' Can someone please give me a cat for my black leather gloves to pet? I'm trying to do as many evil red flags as I can here.
 
 
'''Hein:''' Report any aberrant behavior in Dr. Ross to the major immediately.
 
 
'''Gray:''' Dr. Ross is a spy?
 
 
'''Hein:''' ''(chuckles and comes to Gray, revealing his almost glowing eyes)'' The general is wondering why he's explaining himself to a captain.
 
 
'''NC:''' Somehow, an animator took...
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...Von Doom's comically childish sneer face and turned it into an entire person.
 
 
'''Hein: '''The general is wondering why he's explaining himself to a captain.
 
 
''(NC, imitating Hein, growls like a wild animal three times. In the meantime, Aki, as her infection worsens, falls unconscious, and she has another dream in the unknown planet again, but this time, she's surrounded by the visible Phantoms attacking the planet)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Dr. Ross has another dream about the alien world, as it looks like Robo-Duckmen are going to war. And I'm not gonna lie, that's a pretty cool sentence to say.
 
 
''(Aki looks around the Phantoms that are surrounding her)''
 
 
'''NC:''' Like the audience, everybody's waiting for something to happen.
 
 
'''NC (vo; as the Phantom, in a deep voice):''' Stone's not safe here. Too boring.
 
 
''(Aki and the Deep Eyes visit another deserted planet to collect the seventh spirit)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' The team go to find the seventh of the eight spirits in a dangerous region where Phantoms roam.
 
 
'''Aki:''' The seventh spirit should be just beyond that line of wreckage.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(imitating Elmer Fudd, leaning to the camera)'' Behind the wabbit.
 
 
'''Ryan: '''This was the Phantom Cleansing Mission. My father's in here somewhere.
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Ryan's father offscreen):''' Right here, son! Still disappointed!
 
 
''(Aki spots a falcon flying above them)''
 
 
'''Aki:''' A survivor.
 
 
'''Neil:''' What's it doing right here?
 
 
'''Aki:''' Hoping for life to return.
 
 
'''NC:''' Yes. Most birds follow hope over instinct. Coco Puffs is an addiction that can be beat.
 
 
''(The team approaches a soldier's body and his ovo-pack)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' They seem to find the spirit in one of the soldiers' backpacks.
 
 
'''Gray:''' How do you explain that? The pacs power our weapons, the barrier cities...I mean, it's just bio-etheric energy.
 
 
'''NC:''' Wait, stop! You're doing your painful exposition without using the words "as you know"! Come on, movie, we can go for ''three'' in this stinker! ''(shows three fingers)''
 
 
''(The group is discovered by the Phantoms)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' But the Phantoms find them and try to hunt them down.
 
 
'''Jane:''' Fire in the hole!
 
 
''(She fires from her gun that releases flame onto the Phantom that was about to charge the squad, burning it down)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(rolls eyes)'' Yeah, that was kinda cool.
 
 
''(Flying away, Ross starts feeling unwell, and two squad members prepare to take Aki into custody)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' They take off, as two of the soldiers say they have to take Ross in as her infection attracts the Phantoms.
 
 
'''Gray:''' I won't let you do this, soldier. You're gonna have to shoot me.
 
 
'''Soldier:''' Stand down!
 
 
''(Aki suddenly awakens, making a short yell, and the startled soldier shoots her in the chest)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(stunned)'' Well, that seemed harsh.
 
 
'''NC (vo; as a soldier):''' She screamed! It was scary! I shoot scary!
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' Oh, my God, you killed a hooker!
 
 
''(Gray kicks the weapon out of the soldier's hands. The transparent Phantom floats out of Aki's chest and kills the soldiers)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' The Phantoms take out the two soldiers...aw, they didn't even get to capture the flag... ''(The shot from the video game ''Halo 5: Guardians'' is shown briefly) ''...which makes Underworld here very unhappy.
 
 
''(Major Elliot, voiced by Matt McKenzie, comes to Hein's office. Hein is sitting on his chair with its back turned away)''
 
 
'''Elliot:''' The Deep Eyes are returning from the wastelands, sir. Apparently, there was an incident.
 
 
'''NC:''' What was he (Hein) even doing before that guy came in? Doesn't he have any important work to do?!
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' Mmmm, evil...brooding... ''(sniffs)'' My hand smells great.
 
 
'''Hein:''' By tomorrow morning, the council will be at our feet.
 
 
''(The unconscious Aki is brought into Sid's lab by the Deep Eyes)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Meanwhile, Aki seems to be dying, and...I don't know, you make sense of this.
 
 
'''Sid:''' She needs a sympathetic spirit to help hold her in this world. And I can think of no spirit better suited for that task than yours, Captain.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Gray)'' So if I just...[[Return to Neverland|clap my hands and say "I believe in Aki", she'll come back to life]]?
 
 
''(Gray has the seventh spirit injected into his body, and after this, he lays down next to Aki and takes her hand, finding himself on the planet Aki is dreaming about)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; sighs):''' Well, something like that, as they set up a device to share the same dream while he puts the seventh spirit in her. It's not that I understand it, I...just don't care.
 
 
'''Gray:''' Where are we?
 
 
'''Aki:''' On an alien planet.
 
 
'''Gray:''' You seem pretty calm.
 
 
'''NC:''' Yes, you're usually so energized and expressive! ''(makes a confused face)''
 
 
''(The large groups of the Phantoms charge toward one other as Aki and Gray embrace themselves)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Oh, no. It's the ''[[Alien vs. Predator]]'' movie even less people wanted!
 
 
''(The fire quickly appears on the planet and starts burning everything down. The effect is...not impressive)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; chuckles):''' Wow!
 
 
'''NC:''' I think actual ''Castlevania ''fire...
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...looks more impressive than that!
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(makes jazz hands)'' Photorealism, everybody!
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' The dream shows the aliens destroyed their world, and a meteor was flung into our world. So it's like ''Superman'', except instead of aliens saving the day, they made everything destructive and boring.
 
 
'''NC:''' Like ''Superman''. ''(The ''[[Man of Steel (NC)|Man of Steel]] ''poster appears)''
 
 
''(We go to a commercial. After going back, we see Hein at his table watching the photo of his family)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Meanwhile, adorable ''Wolfenstein'' Nazi sits around again, not doing any real work, just continuing to brood.
 
 
'''Hein:''' My wife and daughter were killed by Phantoms in the San Francisco Barrier.
 
 
'''NC:''' Don't try to give him character now. He looks like...
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...the cool older brother of ''(shot of...)'' Neil Patrick Harris from ''[[Starship Troopers]]''!
 
 
'''NC:''' I think all credibility has sailed!
 
 
''(To scare the council into giving him clearance to fire the Zeus cannon, Hein lowers part of the barrier shield protecting the city)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' He tries sabotaging one of the bases so that the council will be more desperate to go with his plan, not realizing he's letting the Phantoms get too close.
 
 
'''Elliot:''' Breach in Sector 31, General.
 
 
'''Hein:''' Relax, Major. When this night's over, you're going to be a hero.
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's our hero laugh. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
 
 
''(Aki, Sid and the Deep Eyes are taken and put behind the laser bars)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Meanwhile, our heroes get captured and try to figure out what Aki and Gray's dream meant.
 
 
'''Aki:''' The meteor is a chunk of their planet that got thrown into space when they destroyed their world.
 
 
'''NC:''' I feel like she's gonna tell me what number I reached and then instruct me to leave a message. What meteor turns you into Melinda May?!
 
 
'''Neil:''' But how could they survive the trip across outer space on a hunk of rock?
 
 
'''Aki:''' They didn't. They're not an invading army. They're ghosts.
 
 
'''NC:''' Yeah. How's that for a twist? The creatures that were known as spirits and Phantoms...were ghosts.
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Next, she'll be telling me DRINKS ARE ACTUALLY BEVERAGES!
 
 
''(Cut back to Hein and Elliot)''
 
 
'''Soldier:''' Sir, I have numerous Phantom contacts.
 
 
''(The Phantoms start invading the ship)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Speaking of dead weight, the Phantoms break in too far past security and begin wiping out the barrier ring.
 
 
''(Elliot is fatally injured)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' Relax, you're a hero. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha", remember?
 
 
''(Hein walks towards the malfunctioning barrier shield and realizes his plan has gone awry)''
 
 
'''Hein:''' What have I done?
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Ah, yes. He learned his lesson enough to do it just one more time near the end of the movie. Yeah, your attempts at sympathy work as well as Hitler giving us "Sorry, things got out of hand" card!
 
 
''(Back to the group still behind bars)''
 
 
'''Neil:''' The bars are pulse-sonic lasers. I mean, it's not like I can just wave a magic wand and...
 
 
''(The bars malfunction and turn off)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Neil)'' Hey, my voice was so nasally that it short-circuited the doors!
 
 
''(The robotic alarm starts to be going "Proceed to the nearest evacuation facility" over and over)''
 
 
'''Neil:''' ''(after standing in place for a bit)'' I think we should proceed to the nearest evacuation facility. ''(Everybody runs off)''
 
 
''(NC begins to ponder about that moment. He stands up and gets into a talk with a referee played by Malcolm while the sounds of cheering sports fans are heard. After they finish, they lift their heads above)''
 
 
'''Referee:''' This was a cool scene ''(The shot of Jane releasing flame onto the Phantom is shown)'' and a funny scene. ''(The shot of Neil saying his line is shown)'' This movie has earned two points. ''(The cheering gets louder)''
 
 
''(Aki, Sid and the Deep Eyes drive away from the Phantoms to Aki's ship)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' They drive on giant four-wheeler that...somehow sounds like a go-kart...
 
 
'''Aki:''' We need to find my ship.
 
 
'''Ryan:''' If it was towed inside the city, it would be in the military hangar.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Neil, "at the wheel")'' I may have to use a whole horsepower on this thing!
 
 
''(The group crashes because of the Phantoms' attack, and Ryan gets injured)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' But they crash, causing one of them to get injured.
 
 
'''Gray:''' We'll find the ship, we'll be back for you. We'll be back for you, Sergeant.
 
 
''(They make sure Ryan is comfortable, leave him in the four-wheeler and walk to Aki's ship)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' So they run to the ship so they can come back for him...or they leisurely stroll. You know, this does sure get in the way of this nice, relaxing walk. Opens up the lungs. Even though his would be close soon...but it is still nice. It's nice.
 
 
''(Jane and Neil see that the ship is held back by the giant magnetic device, so Neil has to get inside the remote control machine's wires)''
 
 
'''Neil:''' There's the problem.
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' To get the ship moving, though, two of them have to go down to tinker with some wires.
 
 
'''Neil:''' ''(fixing the machine while Jane is at the guard)'' You think we're gonna get outta here alive? I mean, I wonder if anybody else has gotten out.
 
 
'''Jane:''' Uh...
 
 
'''Neil:''' What if it's all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo? ''(is shocked by the electricity)'' Ow! Jane, do you mind we stop talking? I'm trying to concentrate here.
 
 
''(NC is not amused. Cut to the infamous clip from ''Final Fantasy X'' that shows Tidus laughing forcibly. Back to NC; he's discussing something with the referee again. They finish and look above)''
 
 
'''Referee:''' Yeah, we're taking that point back. ''(NC nods as the crowd cheers louder)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' But the Phantoms catch up with them.
 
 
''(The Phantom manages to get inside Neil and takes away his soul)''
 
 
'''NC:''' He went out like he lived: tragically unfunny.
 
 
''(Jane takes hold of her gun...but sees that it's too late to do anything and sadly drops it down. The Phantoms take her soul as well)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Jane):''' Well, it's like they say in the military: "When the going gets tough...bye."
 
 
''(Aki and Sid, who are inside the ship, see the Phantoms' invasion on their comrades)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Aki sees what's going on and decides to help.
 
 
'''Aki:''' We're in countdown to lift off. ''(leaves)''
 
 
'''Sid:''' No, wait. It's too dangerous. Aki!
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Sid):''' Well, I did all I could. Maybe I'll miss her.
 
 
''(Ryan's soul is also taken away. Gray climbs above the ship and shoots the Phantoms out)''
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' LANAAAAAAA!!
 
 
''(The explosion occurs, which forces Aki, Sid and Gray to fly away)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' The team gets wiped out except for Dr. Ross, Gray and smart old guy, who fly out of there.
 
 
''(Gray is looking somber. Aki floats to him while in zero gravity)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Aki):''' Hey, I know a lot of people are dead, but I'm kinda horny.
 
 
''(Aki and Gray kiss)''
 
 
'''NC:''' These two people want to bonk at the most morbid times more than [[Top 11 Strangest Best Couples|Gomez and Morticia Addams]]!
 
 
''(The audio from ''Addams Family Values'' is played)''
 
 
'''Gomez:''' ''(audio)'' To pain.
 
 
'''Morticia:''' ''(audio)'' Tonight.
 
 
''(Aki and Gray go back to Sid at the control panel)''
 
 
'''Sid:''' I enlarged the scanning perimeter...
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Gray):''' Yeah, she enlarged my scanning perimeter, too.
 
 
''([[It (2017)|Richie]] ([[Heather Reusz]]) pops up)''
 
 
'''Richie:''' Am I right, boys?!
 
 
''(Hein is shown to have escaped into the Zeus space-station where he finally receives authorization to fire the cannon. Sid finds the eighth spirit at the crater site of the alien asteroid's impact on Earth)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' It looks like both them and Slimy Del Slime-Slime are going to the crater where it looks like the final spirit is located.
 
 
'''Gray:''' That's a one-way trip.
 
 
'''Sid:''' And then we wait.
 
 
'''Gray:''' That's your plan? We wait and see what happens?
 
 
'''Sid:''' Yes.
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' You learn that in med school that you obviously didn't get into?
 
 
''(Sid lowers a shielded vehicle with Aki and Gray into the crater. Just before they can reach it, Hein fires the Zeus cannon into the crater, destroying the eighth spirit)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' They go down to the crater just before it gets blasted, hurting the Earth's feelings.
 
 
'''Aki:''' ''(via communication)'' General Hein, you must cease fire immediately. What you are looking at in the crater is the living spirit of an alien's homeworld.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(poker-faced, shaking head)'' She recorded this in a day.
 
 
'''Aki:''' The cost may be the entire planet, sir.
 
 
'''NC:''' Chun-Li you is laughing at you! ''(This character from ''Street Fighter'' (1994) is shown)''
 
 
''(Aki and Gray observe the blue fluid in the planet's canyon, which belongs to the Phantom Gaia)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' He, of course, refuses and keeps firing, as Gray and Aki come across the Gaia in all her blue Kool-Aid glory.
 
 
'''Gray:''' That's not what I think it is, is it?
 
 
'''Aki:''' Yes. It's Gaia.
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' So planet spirits are...[[The Smurfs|Smurf]] snot. Good to know.
 
 
''(Cut to Hein floating towards the Zeus)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' I know as a villain, I shouldn't say this, but...wheeeeeee! Whoo, piece of candy.
 
 
''(More Phantoms appear on the planet, and Gray shoots them off)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' I guess one of the Phantoms is a compatible spirit, but they don't know which one yet. Not that it matters much, as Dr. Ross does what she does best in this movie: being passed out.
 
 
''(Aki has a dream vision of the Phantoms' planet, where she is impaled by one of the Phantoms long arms to receive an eighth spirit as particles)''
 
 
'''NC:''' Oh, God! Was this just the longest build-up to the most expensive tentacle hentai? ''(Beat)'' 'Cause I weirdly respect that.
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' Um, does Internet porn know you're cheating on it?
 
 
''(Aki closes her eyes, having fully gathered the final spirit within her)''
 
 
'''Aki:''' With the hope of new life, has Gaia changed the Phantom within?
 
 
''(Cut to her awakened...and not sounding the least bit concerned)''
 
 
'''Aki:''' Do you hear me, Sid? The wave pattern is complete.
 
 
''(NC is squinting)''
 
 
'''NC:''' I don't know. What haven't I used from your IMDb yet? ''(looks at the snippet of Ming-Na Wen's IMDb page) ''Um...you're on ''ER''? ''(turns back)'' Your ''ER'' character couldn't save this performance!
 
 
''(Aki and Gray combine the eighth spirit with seven others. Hein continues to fire the Zeus cannon despite overheating warnings and unintentionally destroys the cannon and himself)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' The final spirit finds her and they use all the spirits to try and stop the beam. But Darth Spaceball actually uses so much energy in his laser beam that it ends up nuking the entire ship. Jesus, this guy could turn on a light switch without blowing a place off!
 
 
''(Hein is shown in his final moments)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; as Hein):''' But I never got my proof!
 
 
''(Gray is impaled through his chest by the Phantom)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Gray is injured, though, and Dr. Ross tries to keep him alive with...all her heart?
 
 
'''Aki:''' ''(speaking almost monotone)'' Don't leave me, Gray. Hang on, please. I still have the wave.
 
 
'''NC:''' What kind of beam was she hit with? A Lucas-Shyamalan-ator?
 
 
''(Gray sacrifices himself as a medium needed to physically transmit the completed spirit into the alien Gaia)''
 
 
'''NC (vo; hesitating):''' It's...kinda confusing what happens next, but somehow, Gray sacrifices himself by mixing his body and her spirit with the Phantom's body and spirit...maybe? Do you care?
 
 
''(Gray's soul leaves his body)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Aki)'' I'll miss you and all three of your jawlines!
 
 
'''Sterling Archer:''' ''(audio)'' OW! It's like being shot in the eyes by a...glitter gun!
 
 
''(The Earth's Gaia is returned to normal as the Phantoms ascend into space, finally at peace. Sid walks out of his ship to look at this)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' Whatever he did, he made it better, as we're given the last line of the movie.
 
 
'''Sid:''' Oh, it's warm.
 
 
'''NC:''' ...The same thing you'd say when your Hot Pocket's done. Deep.
 
 
''(Aki is pulled from the crater holding Gray's body. She sees the falcon from before flying above the planet, screeching)''
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(snickers shortly)'' Is that bird laughing at them?!
 
 
'''NC (vo; as a falcon):''' Ha-ha-ha! Your boyfriend's dead! You look stupid and he looks stupid! You both suck!
 
 
''(Aki looks at the newly liberated world from a great height, and the credits roll, ending the film)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' And...that's it. That's exactly where it ends.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(shifts eyes)'' Um... ''(waves his hand as if to say, "Here you go")''
 
 
''(The continuation of the infamous clip from ''FF X'' of Tidus laughing forcibly, now along with Yuna, is shown)''
 
 
'''NC:''' I mean, it's as good a reaction as anything else!
 
 
''(We go to the movie's clips for the last time as NC states his final thoughts)''
 
 
'''NC (vo):''' So, yeah, this movie is pretty dull and, sadly, very lifeless. The movie encompasses way too much sci-fi instead of a sci-fi fantasy mix, but even if it did, it would still have the same stock characters and dialogue that you would get from...well, a very uninspired video game. On a technical level, I'll give it credit. While the visuals are pretty sterile compared to other sci-fi, it still was a breakthrough in how realistic an entire CG movie could look. Sure, it's a tad dated now, but these were big steps in making CGI more convincing both in totally animated movies and blending in with live-action movies. And, yeah. Obviously, you can't have a virtual actress in other movies if there's nothing engaging about the actress outside of the fact that she's virtual. You have to give the people something cool first if you wish for them to want to see more.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(addresses Malcolm and Tamara)'' And, you know...I'm sorry I took you two for granted. From now on, I'll recognize acting talent in flesh and blood rather than the virtual realm.
 
 
'''Malcolm:''' Aw. Well, thank you, Critic.
 
 
'''Tamara:''' Yeah. We really appreciate that.
 
 
''(Suddenly, accompanied by electronic beeps, Malcolm and Tamara freeze...and their voices appear to be coming out of Ms. Rooster and Mr. Kitty!)''
 
 
'''Kitty:''' Okay, that's all you paid us for.
 
 
''(Both of them rise up, startling NC)''
 
 
'''NC:''' Wait! What are you two doing?
 
 
'''Rooster:''' We negotiated, remember? We let you use our Malcolm and Tamara characters for the amount of time you paid for. ''(presses a button on the remote, and Malcolm and Tamara disappear)''
 
 
'''NC:''' Wait, so Malcolm and Tamara were virtual actors this whole time?
 
 
'''Kitty:''' No, you dumbass! They're doing our voices, remember?
 
 
'''Rooster:''' Yeah, we're still virtual characters. We just made two other virtual characters of Malcolm and Tamara that we voiced.
 
 
'''NC:''' Well, then...where's the real Malcolm and Tamara?
 
 
'''Kitty:''' Oh, we killed them.
 
 
'''NC:''' What?! Then how are you talking with their voices?!
 
 
'''Rooster:''' We recorded them earlier. We just predicted what you were going to say.
 
 
'''NC:''' Oh, come on. No one's...
 
 
'''Kitty and Rooster:''' ''(speak in unison with NC)'' ...that genius.
 
 
''(NC gets perplexed)''
 
 
'''Kitty and Rooster:''' ''(speak in unison with NC) ''Peanut butter. ''(Pause)'' Howie Mandel. ''(Pause)'' Superconductor electromagnetism.
 
 
'''NC:''' Oh, God! You ''are'' geniuses!
 
 
'''Rooster:''' Yeah, you shouldn't have created us so perfect.
 
 
'''Kitty:''' It's only logical that this would be the natural progression of using virtual actors.
 
 
'''NC:''' ''(gets angry)'' Well, I'm not a virtual actor! I'm a real man, flesh and blood! And there is no way that I'm gonna...
 
 
'''Rooster:''' Okay, Chester, you can stop.
 
 
''([[Chester A. Bum]] steps out from behind NC that is frozen while yelling)''
 
 
'''Chester:''' Whoo! I'm sorry, it's just so much fun to imagine he's real!
 
 
'''Kitty:''' You wanna catch a bite?
 
 
'''Chester:''' Sure.
 
 
''(Ms. Rooster, Mr. Kitty and Chester walk out of the room, closing it behind, and head towards the exit)''
 
 
'''Chester:''' I feel like this is one of the stranger of these we've had in a while.
 
 
'''Rooster:''' Better than "where is the proof?" joke.
 
 
'''Chester:''' I still don't get that.
 
 
''Channel Awesome tagline'' - '''Neil:''' That's amore, baby.
 
 
''(The credits roll)''
 
 
 
{{NCscripts}}
 
{{NCscripts}}
 
[[Category:Content]]
 
[[Category:Content]]
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