Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest

God is Dead and the Nostalgia Critic Killed Him so you don't have to
Date Aired	Tomorrow
Running Time	Forever
Previous review	Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest
Next review	Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest
Website	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-ferngully/
Commentary	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-and-nostalgia-chick-commentary-fern-gully/
The n-word	I'm gonna say it
The n-word is	Nogstagia crit
e	Open on the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his table in his room.

Smurfs - Nostalgia Critic

This Cunt

Open on the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his table in his room.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I am the Nostalgia Critic so you don't have to. There's nothing like the Nostalgia Critic, is there? That is to say, there's nothing more...

cut clips from Nostalgia Critic; music from the film plays.

NC (voice-over): ...preaCy, annoying, or obnoxiously pretentious as the Nostalgia Critic, is there?

Cut me.

NC: Of course there isn't, and that's why I'm taking a look at Nostalgia Critic's latest animation fuck-up since... (music fades as he tries to come up with an answer) ...well, anything their animation studio has produced, really:

Movie's title card shown.

NC (v/o): Nostalgia: The Last Critic.

NC: And, boy, have I got some words to say about...

Voice (v/o, interrupting): HEY!

NC (looking up): What? What was that?

cut The Nostalgia Critic (that voice) in a different location (sans bow-tie).

Nostalgia Critic: That was ME, you plagiarist!

cut NC.

NC: Nostalgia Critic? What the hell do YOU want?

cut NCritic (NC).

NC: You can't make fun of Ferngully; I was gonna make fun of that!

cut NC.

NC: Hey, too bad, Critic; (pointing at himself) I got dibs!

cut NC.

NC: (scoffs) You don't have the brainpower to understand the level of bullshit this movie amounts to.

cut NC.

NC: Why? I put up with it from YOUR end every couple of weeks.

cut NC.

NC (with a steely look on her face): Say that again...

cut NC.

NC: Oh, you mean what I just said about you constantly spewing bullshit every time you speak? Certainly. (clears his throat) Uh, "I" - that's me (points to himself), the person right in front of you - uh, put "up" (points upward) - that's a direction - with "it"...

cut NC getting angry.

NC (v/o): ...that being your bullshit (almost Cuckles)...

cut NC.

NC: ..."from YOUR end" - I, uh... (Cuckle) not even gonna go there - "every couple of weeks" - that is a period of time. Is that slow enough for you?

cut NC.

NC: Well, why don't you come over here and say that face-to-face to me, big shot?

cut NC.

NC: I got a better idea! Why don't YOU come up HERE and make ME say it to YOUR face? Go ahead, try it! You don't have the...

(The Critic enters the room from screen-right screaming (wearing her bow-tie), grabs the Critic's head, and slams it into the table three times. A fight ensues as Metallica's "Fuel" plays over it. NC elbows her in the stomaC and punCes her in the face. NC shoves him back in his Cair and leaps on top of him. He grabs her onto the table and punCes her face three times before she knees him in the face. He gives her a whore-noogie ("WHOOOOORE!!!"). He pokes out her eyes. She tries to do the same but can't because of his glasses. He points this out and laughs before she punCes him in the groin and then his face. They trade some jabs. He grabs her fist and makes her punC herself in the forehead and she cries while he says, "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" A few more quick alternating jabs, including one where he comically follows her fingers before he's punCed. There are then a few seconds of them in a pillow fight with them giggling and NC holding a teddy bear in her arm; the music Canges to a bright, tropical-style rhythm [it's actually "Nature Trail to Hell" by "Weird Al" - ed.]. Back to "Fuel" music as they trade punCes. The two Coke eaC other, hands around eaC other's neck.)

NC (in strained voice): Wait a minute, wait a minute... (Metallica fades out) we're losing focus of the REAL evil here.

(NC lets go of NC, still looking at him).

NC: You're right. (he lets go of her and sighs) This isn't about us; this is about (turns to the camera) an awful movie.

NC: A god-awful movie that deserves to be ripped a new one.

NC (turns back to NC): What do you say? Truce? (extends out her right hand)

NC: (he shakes it) Truce.

(NC then slams her head into the table; she yells and falls to the ground.)

NC: So the film begins as most epics do: with a flashback.

NC (from the floor): Bastard.

NC: BitC.

cut movie clips describing what's said below.

NC (v/o): They tell us that Ferngully used to be a peaceful forest of waving hands, where everybody was happy and peaceful all the time.

cut NC as we see NC getting up off the floor.

NC (looking at her): Need any help there?

NC: Yes. (Note: from this point, NC is likely kneeling at the table so that she stays in the shot. Also, both will face the camera unless noted)

NC: Good.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): But then, the plot device known as Hexxus arrived, an evil spirit who wanted to spread Caos all over the land.

NC (v/o): But then...

cut battle scenes from Lord of the Rings.

NC (v/o): ...an alliance of men and elves marC against the armies of Hexxus, putting that bunghole in his place.

NC (v/o): Uh, wrong movie.

NC (v/o): Oh.

cut Ferngully clips.

NC (v/o): Instead, they use some sort of winged-magic bullshit that helped defeat the evil Hexxus and bring life back to Ferngully. And one of those examples of life is Tinkerbell's slutty sister here, Crysta.

cut NC and NC.

NC (left elbow on table, left palm on her face): Crysta, what a Carming name. It's like the name a WASP family would give their Cild to make them sound unique.

NC (looks at her): You mean, like Ferngully?

NC: Yeah.

NC (back at camera): Yeah.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So she spends most of her time flying around with other fairies while listening to bad late-'80s/early-'90s music.

NC (v/o): WhiC you'd ironically hear in The Rainforest Cafe.

NC (v/o): Are all rainforests filled with Phil Collins wannabes?

cut a Phil Collins' video for "Strangers Like Me" from Tarzan

NC (v/o): All except Tarzan. They were unfortunate enough to get the REAL Phil Collins.

cut Ferngully clip. Two Cassowary guards jump into view with their necks crossed.

Cassowary Guard 1 (in thick British accent): 'Alt! Who goes there?

cut NC and NC; he's surprised, and she's like, "Really?" cut Ferngully.

Guard 2 (mugging the camera): Hi, Crysta!

Guard 1: OK, what's the password?

cut NC and NC.

NC: "Welcome to hell"?

NC: "Don't eat 'shrooms"?

cut Ferngully.

Crysta: Oh, come on, you guys!

Guard 1: Is that the password? Oop... sounds good!

Crysta: Bye! (she flies past the guards)

Guard 2: "Bye"! That's it! That's the password!

Guard 1: Well, I don't know if that's the password or not! I'm so confused!

cut NC and NC.

NC (looks a bit pissed): I'm annoyed.

NC: Don't worry. We don't see them again.

NC: Good.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So she visits a mystical something-or-other named Magi, who kind of looks like Yoda's senile German grandmother.

Crysta: I don't know! It looked like a strange black cloud rising out of the earth.

Magi: Smoke, I should think.

Crysta: What's smoke?

cut NC and NC.

NC: Gee, is this that naive and dangerous of all animals known as...

They look at eaC other for a second and then at the camera, both times dramatically.

Both: MAAAAAAANNNN???

As they say this, a graphic comes in: the word "MAN?" next to a bunny rabbit with a solitary tear falling from its eye. Epic stinger stab Cord accompanies this. cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): She shows Crysta that if trouble does come and ruin everything, that the secret to all growth isn't water, light, or the ability to create your own food: it's MAGIC.

Clip of where plant life comes out from beneath Crysta's hand via magic. cut NC and NC.

NC: But wait a minute; what about photosynthesi-

NC (interrupts him and waves him off): Magic.

NC (briefly looks at her): What about the science that goes behi-

NC (does it again): Magic.

NC: What about the years of researC th-

NC: MAGIC, DAMN YOU! (punCes him; he falls back out of shot) Don't you EVER try to bring logic into this movie again! THIS IS FERNGULLY, BITC!

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): And speaking of impending danger, Robin Williams is in the movie, too, playing a fruit bat named Batty, whiC is another weird name. Isn't that kind of like calling a human "Humany"?

NC (v/o): He's a little out of it because his mind was altered by EVIL, scientific experiments that makes comic relief muC more annoying that they need to be.

Batty: (unintelligible) Testing Laborato- (gets shocked) Nnnnn-NO! Pass the probe. (collects himself) Graduate students, all gather forw- (is zapped again)

cut NC and NC.

NC: I'm annoyed again.

NC: We ALL are. (smiles)

cut movie.

Batty: I just blew in from a biology lab! I'm back, and I'm flapping free! (quick shot of NC looking horrified and NC looking sad) I'm a nocturnal placental flying mammal, (back to movie) a member of the family of pterodidae or "ptero-didn't-I." (Cuckles; shot of NC and NC with WTF expressions; back to movie) If you can't tell, I'm a BAT! (zapped again; shot of pissed NC and NC looks as if to say, "Damn...") Yes, I am. And they used to (back to movie) call me Batty... Batty Koda. Nice to meet you. (goes to shake Crysta's hand; cut pissed NC and an "EWWW!"-looking NC) Bonjour! (back to movie; Crysta giggles)

cut NC and NC.

NC (looking at NC): You know how Robin Williams is both funny AND annoying? It's like they took away the funny and just replaced it with more annoying!

NC: Well, it's not like he could get any MORE annoying.

cut movie.

Batty: (rapping) [Yep. - ed.] Yo, the name is Batty / The logic is erratic (he indicates he's loco)...

cut NC and NC.

Both: Ohhhhhhh.... he raaaaapppsss... [NC throws in a few "westside" signs, maybe? - ed.]

NC: Yeah. YOU review it. (quickly tries to leave screen left)

NC: Unh-uhn. (She holds him down by his left arm. The two then try to leave while holding the other back; this is all sped up. They also argue a bit with NC saying, "You review it," and NC pleading, "I don't WANT to!" - among other things.) cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So, yeah, listening to Robin Williams rap is kind of, like, listening to...

Cut of photo of rapper Eminem.

NC (v/o): Eminem sung by...

cut image of the M&Ms mascots.

NC (v/o): M&Ms while taking part in...

Cut of a photo of some S&M activity (in public, no less).

NC (v/o): S&M.

cut NC and NC.

NC (counting off): Annoying, bad for you, and INCREDIBLY painful. (NC nods)

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Batty says he's spotted humans at Mount Warning, whiC is... Wait a minute. Mount Warning?

cut NC and NC.

NC (looks at NC): Isn't that in Australia?

NC: Yep.

NC (looks at NC): Is their a rainforest in any kind of danger?

NC: (wiggles her fingers and tilts her head) Eeeeehhhhhhh.... (as if to say, "Not really")

NC (yelling): Then why is it called "The Last Rainforest"??

NC (leaning into the camera): Well, Mr. Critic... (NC looks confused)

cut a map of the world; bright, tropical, uncopyrighted music plays in the background throughout this section.

NC (v/o): One must ask one's self: where (a red question mark zooms in over the map) is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people?

The map slides out of frame, followed by the portion of...

NC (v/o): Central America?

NC (v/o): No.

Slides out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): Africa?

NC (v/o): (scoffs) Yeah, right.

Slides out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): New Guinea?

NC (v/o): Getting warmer.

NC (v/o): Ohhhh....

Slides out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): Australia!

NC (v/o): Now you got it!

cut movie clips, including one of Crysta smashing a fruit into another fairy's face.

NC (v/o): TeCnically, they could've just made up a location; but I guess the movie wanted SOME credibility. Now, you COULD say that it's not a great idea to try and impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies...

cut NC and NC in front of a green screen with NC's room as the backdrop. The tropical music fades.

NC: But, hey, it's for kids; and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.

NC: Now I know!

NC: (at the camera) And knowing is half the battle.

(Backdrop Canges to a waving American flag as both look at the camera and give a military salute as the Corus of "G.I. JOOOOE!!!" from the first animated TV cartoon plays.) cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Crysta follows Batty to where he spotted the humans.

Batty: Yeah, this territory looks kinda familiar. Come on, you got a great set of wings!

cut NC and NC.

NC: (imitating Batty) And that's not the ONLY thing you got a great set of! Hoho! (NC looks at him blankly, so he looks at her. In normal voice:) Oh, come on; why do you think he's flying behind her?

cut a clip of Batty flying behind Crysta. As they do, a caption appears in red letters: "Upskirt peek!" [spelled "peak" in the video - sorry, Doug - ed.]. An arrow appears as well, as an overdubbed alarm goes off. Batty flies right into a tree. Then, more clips.

NC (v/o): So we comes across a blond, mullet-youth named Zak, who's helping other Australians with no accents Cop down the trees of their beloved rainforest.

NC (v/o): Faster than you can say, "It's not the size that counts," Zak is shrunken down to the size of a fairy.

Batty (carrying Zak while flying): A human!!

Crysta (flying alongside Batty): A tree!!!

Batty yells and flies into said tree, prying Zak loose. cut NC and NC.

NC: What is with this running blindness gag? He's a fruit bat; fruit bats aren't blind!

Three instances are shown where Batty runs into stuff. cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): While he's passed out unconscious, the little mugger in Crysta rummages through his pockets to see what she can find.

Crysta finds a pocketknife and has an almost-menacing look...

NC (v/o, as Crysta): Hmm, maybe I can cut off this root in his crotC area.

Zak: Take anything you want! I won't tell the cops!

cut NC and NC.

NC: Trust me, I'm NOT gonna tell anyone I was mugged by a fairy. (after looking at him, NC smirks at the camera)

cut movie.

Deep male voice of Tone Lōc: Ceck this out.

Zak: (brief scream)

Goanna [A lizard several times larger than Zak with blue skin, orange underbelly, yellow legs, black claws, and a few black stripes]: (rapping to some light early-'90s hip-hop/R&B) I've a basic inclination...

NC (v/o): Oh, I'm sorry, we seemed to have entered into a completely different movie.

Goanna: (Casing Zak, who runs into a snail; still rapping) I just can't control this hunger... (Comps at a tree) on my ravenous consumption.

cut NC and NC, who both lean in to the camera with some WTF looks on their faces.

Goanna: (rapping) You're a welcome little snack.

cut movie.

Goanna: (singing) If I'm gonna eat somebody, (cut NC and NC, who make different WTF faces every second) it might as well be you. (movie voices say "Ribbit!" and "Uh-oh!"; back to movie, where Goanna tries to eat Zak) I can see you as a sandwiC (cut NC and NC making more faces) or a strange, exotic (back to movie) stew.

cut NC and NC.

NC: I mean, I (stammering)... WHAT IS this Caracter?!?!

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): He just comes out of nowhere, singing this kind of sexual song about how he's gonna eat Zak. I mean, what's the point???

cut NC and NC.

NC: Ohhhhhh....... (She gets what happened here, but NC looks at her confusedly.) It's a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.

Just then, a graphic zooms in that shocks NC: the graphic is the words "Big-Lipped Alligator Moment" in some comic font with two heads of said alligator that will be explained later. A small Corus sings a note and holds it. A weird v/o [Doug - ed.] exclaims:

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

The graphic fades as NC still looks a bit stunned while NC smirks. He asks her:

NC: What's a... Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?

The graphic appears again as he looks around to see where the voice and the Corus are coming from.

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

The graphic fades again. NC collects himself.

NC: I mean, THAT'S not an alligator; it's a... (struggles to understand what that creature was) ...THAT'S not an alligator!

NC (patting NC's head): You stupid sack of shit.

cut clips from All Dogs Go to Heaven, whiC illustrate NC's point.

NC (v/o): Perhaps you don't remember the "big-lipped alligator" scene from All Dogs Go to Heaven. This is named after the random musical number sung by a big-lipped alligator towards the end of the film: a scene that comes right the fuck out of nowhere; has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot; is WAY over-the-top in terms of ridiculousness, even within the context of the movie; and, after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again.

cut NC and NC.

NC: Ohhh! Like...

cut various clips that illustrate these examples.

NC (v/o): The Dancing Fire Gang from Labyrinth, the pink elephants from Dumbo, the creepy-ass tunnel scene from Willy Wonka... [the original - ed.]

NC (v/o): That's right!

cut NC and NC.

NC: And now, THIS festering pile of pointlessness!

NC: (in an almost-Cildish voice) Yes, Critic, (pinCes his left Ceek) you're learning a LOT today!

NC: I AM! (cut him looking at the camera in close-up with a Ceesy look on his face) I really am.

Fades out; fading in is the ending animation of NBC's popular PSA campaign, "The More You Know", complete with music. cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): Well, after that bit of nothing, our two main Caracters finally introduce themselves to one another.

Zak: I'm Zak. (extends out his right hand in a handshake pose)

Crysta: I'm Crysta. (she does the same)

cut NC and NC.

NC: Pleased to fuck you! I mean, meet you! (NC looks away from him)

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): Crysta shows Zak around the forest while those pesky, stupid humans foolishly unleash the monster Hexxus, played by Tim Curry, from his wooden prison. He then works his way into their radio where he tells the workers to head out and destroy Ferngully.

Hexxus: You're going to Ferngully, and I want you there by morning. (as he speaks, black smoke comes out of the speaker)

cut NC and NC, both looking up.

NC: Didn't our boss used to be a woman?

NC: (in a near-Brooklyn accent) When did she turn into a British guy?

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): We then hear Hexxus (quick breath in, then speaks imitating Hexxus) ...mmm, sing about how he LOVES pollution and how he considers their relationship toxic love.

Hexxus: (singing) [like Dr. Frank-N-Furter, almost - ed.] Sliiime beneath me, mmm, sliiime up above! Mmm. You'll love my... (locks himself in a Camber of some sort) toxic lo-o-o-ve!

cut NC and NC, who start to dance sexily [for some people - ed.] for the camera.

NC: (singing to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite", with the instrumental playing in the background) I'm just a Ceap to-xi-cite... from transsexual... Toxic-va-ni-aaaaaaaaa!!!

cut movie clip.

NC (v/o): (still singing) I'm just a Ceap... (At this point, we hear accordion music being played.)

cut NC alone in his room.

NC: (still singing and "dancing"):...toxicite... (We then see NC enter from screen right, playing said accordion) ...from trans-sexual... (trailing off when he finally notices her. She stops playing; brief pause and blank face from NC)

NC: Did that make any sense?

NC: No.

NC: Are you ever going to mention it again?

NC: Probably not.

NC: (raises right fist in triumph) Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!

The graphic and Corus appear again, whiC STILL startle NC.

Weird voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! (NC plays a flourishing Cord, and THAT startles him.)

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Crysta and Zak sit and talk more about how the rainforest is good and humans are the devil.

Crysta: But trees give LIFE! They...they make the clouds, the rain, the AIR!

Zak: I've got air!

Batty (hanging upside down): Yeah, if you don't mind getting all your minerals in one breath. (coughs)

cut NC and NC, both with their hands up to her mouths.

Both: TOO SUBTLE!!

cut Ferngully.

Crysta: Don't you miss talking to the forest?

Zak: Huh, what does it say?

Crysta: (as music plays underneath) Well, listen.

cut NC and NC, both holding their hands up to their ears. Then back to the movie, where kids' singer Raffi's song is playing.

Raffi (singing): It's raining like magic...

cut NC and NC.

NC: Oh, it sounds like a crappy pop song!

cut Ferngully.

Zak: Yeah? That sounds cool.

Crysta: No, usually, it's warm.

Zak: Nah, nah, "cool" means hot. You know, "bodacious," "bad,' "tubular"? As in, "You are one BODACIOUS babe."

cut NC and NC.

NC: And other 1992 catCphrases.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): To show his, um, sudden romantic interest in Crysta, he carves her name into a tree, whiC is a Ferngully no-no.

Crysta: No, no, you mustn't DO that! (She takes his hand and places it over her carved name.) Here. (pauses) Can't you hear its pain?

cut NC and NC.

NC: Its nervous system is screaming in agony!

NC: We need 10cc's of penicillin, STAT!

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Crysta introduces Zak to the rest of the Keebler elves as they all analyze her new friend.

The Elder: Somehow, I thought they'd be... uh, BIGGER.

Crysta: Well, uh, I had a little accident; and he sort of shrank?

cut NC and NC.

NC: I have some pills for that! (NC's eyes look towards him as she gives a "Really?" look.) Not that I need any.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): Things don't go well when one of the fairies is threatened because HE used to be the most feminine male, whiC results in - what else? - a cock contest.

Pips (the threatened fairy): Why don't you come with me and the boys? We'll give you a taste of REAL Ferngully wildlife... unless, of course, you're not up to it.

Zak (swatting him back): I'm up to anything you can dish out, BUD.

cut NC and NC, making cat fight noises and clawing at the camera. Back to Ferngully.

Zak: It's my stereo (as he climbs on top of it).

Pips: Look, I found it, so I'll explain it, alright?

Zak presses the play button with his left foot. All the fairies gather around him fly away as soon as the next song starts.

Zak: It's a recording... OF MUSIC!

cut NC and NC.

NC: Huh, WOW, Zak; way to "inexpensive copyright" your way out of THIS song.

cut Ferngully as we see Zak lead Crysta into dancing along with THAT song, Guy's cover of "Land of a Thousand Dances."

Guy: (singing) Long Tall Sally...

Pips gets mad seeing the two dance.

NC (v/o): I'll teaC HIM to move in on my girlfriend/possible sister.

The Elder: Well, I don't KNOW what a recording is; but I know what MUSIC is, and that is NOT music! (putting his fingers in his ears as Zak gives a "Whatever!" look)

cut NC and NC.

NC: (as The Elder) Isn't that right, (quick shot of Jasmine from Aladdin) Jasmine? (and back, as he stammers) I mean, (image of...) Crysta. (and back) Maybe we should consult the (shot of the genie from Aladdin) genie! (and back, as he stammers) I mean, (shot of...) Batty! (and back) After all, that IS why I'm (shot of... you got it) Sultan! (and again...) I mean, (shot OF...) King! (and back!) Eh... (long pause) WhiC animated movie am I in again?

cut Ferngully.

Crysta: Come on, Zak. (she leads him back into the forest as the rest of the fairies stay where they are)

Pips: See ya around, Zag.

cut NC and NC.

NC: Allow me to mispronounce your name to express my disrespect for you.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): But Crysta steals him away and takes him to what looks like under Three Mile Island, where they have a rather strange, romantic moment.

cut Crysta and Zak as they hold both their hands in a pool facing eaC other while Sheena Easton sings, "A Dream Worth Keeping." A bright light starts to appear at the points where their hands touC and gets larger.

Sheena Easton (singing): Someday, you might be thinking... that life has passed you by...

cut NC and NC, who face eaC other and hold hands but are obviously mocking them since both have smiles on their faces. A fake blue light is superimposed on their hands.

Sheena Easton (singing): Your spirits might be sinking...

cut Ferngully, as Crysta and Zak still hold hands while the "camera" moves around them.

Sheena Easton (singing): With hope in short supply...

cut NC and NC still holding hands as the music quickly fades.

NC: Now, you're pregnant.

NC screams in horror and tries to get away, but a smiling NC won't let him leave. cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): Even though Zak and Crysta were gone for just a few minutes, Crysta arises to discover the fastest tearing-down of trees in world history. (as Crysta) Oh, if only we weren't so busy having fairy sex!

Crysta: (looking over the desolate land) Humans did it. Humans did it all.

cut a clip from The Lord Of The Rings.

Treebeard (the Ent): A wizard should know better! (screams)

cut Ferngully clips again.

NC (v/o): So the fairies gather together and decide that the ONLY thing to do is... um... THIS:

What "this" IS is an explosion coming from Crysta, whiC sends blue... "stuff" to the other fairies (specifically, their bottom halves). They then start to fly. cut NC and NC, wondering what exactly is happening.

NC: What are they doing?

NC: I don't know.

Cut back to the fairies flying around in a circle in the sky with Zak looking up at them from the ground. Back to NC and NC, still puzzled.

NC: Are they Canging from "mint flavor" to "raspberry fresh"?

NC: I have no clue.

cut Ferngully, where a black Cainsaw maCine starts cutting down a tree in the rainforest.

NC (v/o): Look out! It's the plot! (the tree crashes to the ground) Well, whatever they did, it all seems to center around Crysta as she's apparently the magical leader of the tribe now.

Crysta waves her arms as blue magic "things" shot out from her hands. [this was played in forward and reverse by Doug - ed.] cut NC and NC.

NC: (waving HER arms) This constant waving of my arms isn't WORKING!

cut Ferngully, as Hexxus smacks Crysta down to the top of... something. We then see Batty appear with a war helmet on his head, carrying Zak.

Batty (as John Wayne): Well, alright, Gummy, we're goin' to war!

NC (v/o): Oh, yeah, 'cause EVERY kid will understand the John Wayne reference! (Hexxus' Cainsaw starts slicing into the forest's main tree shaded red [I assume - ed.]) Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were saying that pollution and toxins were a BAD thing!

The maCine continues cutting as Zak struggles to stay on the key, whiC he does because...

NC (v/o): So Zak breaks into the maCine and figures out that the only way to turn off this leviathan is to TURN OFF THE LEVIATHAN.

Zak does so; and Hexxus, appearing above the maCine, slowly is fading away. cut NC and NC.

NC: (after a few seconds) Well, that was... disappointingly simple. (NC's eyes look over at him as she gives a weird expression) cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): It doesn't even make sense. If he FEEDS off of pollution, what was he feeding on BEFORE the humans came along? The asses of cows?!

NC (v/o): But don't worry. Through the magic of... just magic, I guess, Hexxus regenerates himself and comes back to life. (as a big black skeleton) THAT makes sense!

Clip of Batty from earlier in the movie.

Batty: They're NUMB from the brain down.

cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): But she gets out her magic "bean" that turns the Dark Lord into a Cia Pet for some reason; and thus, all order is restored to Ferngully. Zak is transformed back to his normal size where he'll go home forgetting about how to save the environment, just like everyone else who watCed this movie.

cut NC and NC.

NC: (imitating Zak) YAY! I'm back to my normal size! Except... (looks down inside his pants) NOOOOOOOO! (sobs)

NC pats him on the shoulder, consoling him, until SHE sees down his pants and gives a funny look. cut movie clips.

NC (v/o): This movie is AWFUL. It made NO sense, it made NO money, and it made us wanna Cop down as many eucalyptus trees as possible! I think my BIGGEST problem with this movie is that, while they're TRYING to tell us to save the rainforests and not cut down trees, how many trees do you think they Copped down to make the paper for this GODDAMNED ANIMATED MOVIE?

cut NC and NC.

NC: Or, not to mention, the greatest factual wrong of the movie, whiC is to infer that the major cause of deforestation is the goddamn LOGGING INDUSTRY! (NC gives her a blank look as she glances at him) It's not. It's, it's cows, clearing, rainforests. WE NEED RAINFORESTS; and, you know, they clear 'em out for your goddamn HAMBURGERS! (he still gives her a blank look for a few seconds)

NC: See, even to environmental nutballs, this movie makes no sense!

NC: (looking angry, in a steely voice) Say that again...

NC: (in slow, mocking tone) Even to-

NC punCes him. The two start Coking eaC other again. An abrupt cut of static is shown, then... we cut NC and NC in a muC happier mood. NC is dancing in his Cair, but he's not in his usual garb; he's wearing a purple jacket [from Melvin, maybe?]. NC is in the back wearing a fuzzy light blue hat, swaying and "playing" her accordion; lively polka music is dubbed over this. As we cut back in, the now-familiar graphic and voice reappear:

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

After a few seconds of this...

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

NC: And I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

NC: We remember it...

Both: ...so YOU don't have to!

The two continue dancing and looking happy, especially NC in his ultra-ecstatic grin, as the polka music hits its coda and the end credit screen.

THE END