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FearDotCom
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Aired
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December 23rd, 2009
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Running time
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23:56
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Previous review
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Next review
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Link
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[intro]
Phelous: What would you get if you took the basic plot of The Ringu, updated it, and gave it some awesome characters? [scoffs] Well, you certainly wouldn't get FearDotCom, that's for sure. You're not sure exactly what you'd get there. but let's take a look at this movie about a real killer website that probably thought it was doing the aforementioned.
Phelous (VO): We start off with a man in a subway, [singsong] and he sees a little girl playing on the traaa-acks!
[plays audio of Darth Vader's big "NOOOOO!" from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith over shot of Polidori's horrified shock]
Phelous (VO): But she disappears, so instead of, you know, getting off the track, the guy continues running. He has plenty of time to get back onto the platform, but instead tucks into the other side. But then decides jumping in front of the train is the best decision!
Phelous: I guess he was thinking trains are more scared of you than you are of them? I don't know...
Phelous (VO): So yeah, an image of the girl mocks the guy for having the gall to try and save her. Guess he'll know better on his next life.
[Shows parody level splash screen from Super Mario Bros. with Polidori at zero lives, along with said game's death jingle]
Phelous (VO): Then we get introduced to one of our main characters, Terry Huston.
[Terry screams in shock, causing her Persian cat to look up at her]
Phelous (VO): Oh. Rat-in-the-slipper jumpscare. Brilliant. And she's apparently with the Department of Health. I guess she doesn't inspect her own building, though... And here's our other main character, Detective Mike Reilly. He notices the guy's eyes are bleeding, so obviously concludes...
Mike: Must've been into computers, this guy.
Phelous: Ah, another case of being on the computer too long 'til your eyes bleed, and you can't see incoming trains!
Phelous (VO): Then we see some crap about a guy setting up for a live show on his webpage, and the subscribers just start flooding in. Apparently, everyone was just waiting for this website. What's the content?
"The Doctor": Now all we need is the leading lady.
Phelous: So I guess it's a porn site? But if he has no performers, the people subscribing already confuses me a bit.
Sykes: I think you're pissed off 'cause this "Doctor" guy keeps sending you love letters. I mean, come on! Everybody's got a case or two they can't crack.
Phelous (VO): And Mike's case was apparently trying to catch the amazingly-named "The Doctor". I wonder how he came up with such a brilliant alias!
Eskimo Bob's Fish in Saucer: Yeah, not quite a brilliant as PHELOUS, is it?
Phelous: QUIET!
Phelous (VO): So the cops haul in another bloody-eyed guy who's screaming in German. Over at his apartment, they find a dead girl in the bathtub.
Mike: What do you make of this?
Terry: Ebola.
Phelous (VO): Well, that was an easy one. I guess we're pretty much done here— Ahh, wait, they're sending in the hazard suit boys.
Mike: Should we be in one of those suits...they're wearing?
Terry: We're probably already infected.
Mike: What is it with you people?! You just let this shit run wild?!
Phelous: [as Mike] "It's probably your fault I got the stomach flu last week, too! Next time, show up BEFORE I start touching the dead bodies!"
Terry: It's not a virus.
["Bum-bum-BUUUUM!" musical sting]
[Phelous does a nasally-voiced cover of the opening lyrics of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police playing over a scene of "The Doctor" stalking a young adult woman as his next victim, stopping at "Every single day"]
Phelous (VO): Oh, this isn't creepy at all or anything.
"The Doctor": Well, I was filming you, because you happen to be the perfect leading lady.
Phelous (VO): Yeah, like she's really—
Woman: Do you mean that?
Phelous: [facepalms dumbfoundedly] She's really gonna go for that...? [sighs in exasperation]
Phelous (VO): They watch over Dead German Boy's home movies, and he almost gets his camera stolen at one point, which apparently really amuses Terry! ...I don't know... But then they get to the good part: them filming themselves on the computer.
[Cut to Phelous at his computer monitor, which displays "WHO DOESN'T DO THAT!?"]
Phelous: Who doesn't do that?!
Phelous (VO): But that magic site they go to makes him scream in German, and her tape herself dying in the bathtub! Ah yes, down this cruddy alleyway. That's where all the big productions happen, right? Time to get that big part! Oh, and the lights don't even work properly and no one's around?! THIS MUST BE HUGE! BETTER KEEP GOING IN!
Phelous: I really think a quick open of the door is all she should've needed to see that this wasn't worth pursuing.
[The woman is ambushed by "The Doctor" as a heavy metal song starts up]
Phelous (VO): Oh, and shock, she gets caught by the Website Doctor.
Turnbull: Is it Ebola?
Terry: ...No. I don't even think it's a virus.
Turnbull: What, then?
Terry: ...Are you okay?
Turnbull: ...Yeah.
Terry: Where'd your computer go?
Turnbull: I sent it in for repair.
Phelous (VO): [as Turnbull] "Yeah. Yeah, seriously. I'm-I'm not lying. I didn't even go to this website that kills you or anything. GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT!"
[Cartoon revving-up/running-away sound effect plays, followed by the actual unsettling music that plays in the film]
Phelous (VO): [as Turnbull] "Ugh, stupid little girls and their balls and their background music. Oh, and now she disappeared! That annoys me SO much, I'm gonna take this cigarette out again! No, wait! Put it back! [grumbles, followed by beat] No, I'll take it out. Now, just to casually walk to my car, and— Actually, I could use that cigarette. Hopefully it appears in my mouth as I enter it. Ah, good."
Ghost Jeannie: Don't smoke.
Phelous (VO): See? It's bad for you!
[Upbeat piano/drumbeat music not in the original film starts playing over scene of Turnbull being driven away in his own car]
Phelous (VO): And if you smoke, you go to hell...before you die.
[Scene of Turnbull's fatal "accident" freezing on the frame where he dies]
Phelous (VO): ...Please.
[Caption: "If you smoke...a little girl with powers will kill you."]
Alice: Always on his computer.
Phelous (VO): Aha! Another computer-related death! Case...closed! Back at Website Doctor's, we see he'd already lost his previous subscribers, but is now getting them back again rapidly. And he's apparently doing a live torture podcast!
"The Doctor": We will provide a lesson...that reducing relationships to anonymous electronic impulses is a perversion.
Phelous (VO): Ah yes, and what better way to show this than torture and murder?
"The Doctor": But here...we offer intimacy.
Phelous (VO): Basically, all he's saying is his reason for killing is pretty weak.
Phelous: Except he really needs those subscribers.
"The Doctor": Karen...
["Karen" sobs]
"The Doctor": ...Tell us your hopes and dreams.
Phelous (VO): [as "Karen"] "Well, actually, I wanted to write a live podcast where I torture and kill people."
[Sound of glass breaking]
Phelous (VO): [as "The Doctor"] "Oh... Well now... This is awkward..." So the computer tech, Denise, finds the common link between all the victims' computers is they visited the site Fear.com. Wait a second... Fear-dot-com...dot-com?! Seriously?!
Phelous: "FearDotCom-dot-com"?! I've never heard of someone naming their site something like that. You'd think if you could get a magical website that kills people, securing the actual domain "fear.com" would be simple. I guess not even magic can save you from domain price gouging!
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: I'm waiting for you...Denise.
Denise: 'Kay...
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Do you want to hurt me?
[Denise clicks "no"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: You're lying.
Phelous: Oh, so this is just one of those games that gives you a choice for no real reason, as there's no real choice in the matter; it's just a linear process.
[Plays NES Dragon Quest scene of Gwaelin forcing the player to say "YES" following her rescue]
Phelous (VO): So Denise gets shown a series of disturbing images, much like on a videotape in a certain other movie.
[Plays transitional sitcom jingle]
"The Doctor": I'd like to say I can feel your pain...but I can't. ...I can't feel anything. ...I've been deprived of that somehow.
Phelous (VO): [as "The Doctor"] "Don't you just feel so sorry for me? I sure hope so..."
[Plays brief instrumental of "Christmas Time Is Here"]
[Scene of Denise watching a bouncy ball rotting through to reveal a swarm of cockroaches]
Phelous (VO): Aww, I HATE bouncy balls that hatch cockroaches.
Mike: Do you think you can trace who's running the site?
Denise: Sure.
Phelous: [sarcastic chuckle] Yeah, why bother asking the domain registrar or host or anything? That'd be silly!
Phelous (VO): So then, for no reason, they track down the guy who wrote the book that the guy who died on the tracks had, and he tells them the book...
Frank: ...was a load of shit! [snickers]
Phelous (VO): ...Making this scene pretty much entirely pointless, but they continue to have a long drawn-out conversation with him about it!
Frank: He came to believe that the web could actually receive energy, store it, send it out.
Terry: Energy... Wh-What kind?
Frank: Psychic energy. Stealing your soul!
[Cut to scene from Mortal Kombat: The Movie]
Shang Tsung: Your soul is mine!
[Dial-up Internet noises not in the original film play]
Shang Tsung: Fatality.
Terry: Every one of these victims died two days to the minute after they first logged on to the Fear site.
Phelous (VO): Wow, that's almost like dying seven days after watching a videotape, but SO MUCH COOLER! Back at Denise's, we see she is chanting and carving into her apartment...BINARY?!
Phelous: [sputters dumbfoundedly] BINARY?! [faceplams and pounds his left knee]
Phelous (VO): The cockroaches return, but luckily disappear when the camera cuts. Guess she's safe. Oh, but unfortunately it cut again, and they're all back.
[Scene of Denise at her wit's end and screaming with cockroaches hissing in the background]
Phelous (VO): Mike and Terry start rushing to Denise's like they can actually get there in time, and she starts walking over to the window. Yeah, I wonder where this is going...
[Scene of Denise's body crashing on the hood of Mike's/Terry's car]
Phelous: Yes, that was truly a shock.
Terry: Can you promise me one thing? That you won't visit that site?
Phelous (VO): Why would he bother when you guys could just get all the info without visiting it? Mike goes over to Denise's to have a chuckle at the binary on the wall... Oh! And of course, he's logging in to FearDotCom...dot-com...!
Phelous: On my favorite web browser: Hot Box...
[Scene of Mike visiting FearDotCom.com which blurs the desktop in an unrealistic way]
Phelous (VO): Mike recognizes the Website Girl's one of the Doctor's past victims.
Phelous: Ah, maybe that's why she had a hard time getting a good site address.
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Do you like to watch?
Phelous (VO): No.
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Do you want to see more?
Phelous (VO): Probably shouldn't there, Mike.
[Mike clicks "yes"]
Phelous (VO): Uh-huh.
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Do you want to hurt me...Mike? I know who you are.
[Mike types "Did you kill Denise?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Time to play.
Phelous: For a supernatural website that kills you in two days, it's not very interactive, is it?
Mike: How do I play? [types "How do I play?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Find me. You have forty-eight hours.
[Mike types "What do I get if I win?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Me.
Phelous (VO): Pass...
Mike: What happens...if I lose? [types "What happens if I lose?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: You die. Do you want to play?
Phelous: Well, this seems like a pretty cut-and-dry decision. Some freaky website-killing dead girl's body on the risk of my life? So obviously, Mike says...
[Mike clicks "yes"]
Phelous: Ohhh, Mike, you're so stupid. You deserve this.
[Scene of Mike taken aback as several disturbing images play in rapid-fire, ending with a piercing scream and Mike collapsing]
Phelous: I'm really wondering how this site is coded, and it looks like a Flash site, so let's check the ol' ActionScript book here and... [flips through pages of the book in question] ...try to find out. Must be on some kind of "time" function...and...if timer == 0 and bodyFound == False, then execute kill. [flips through more pages] Can't seem to find the "kill" command in here... Maybe it's under "murder".
Phelous (VO): And the images from the site plague you as you're on your death trip.
Phelous: Getting that odd sensation of déjà vu again.
Mike: Miss, your glove.
[a woman appears and subjects Mike to a screaming jumpscare]
Phelous: JUMPSCAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE...... [grimaces]
Terry: What dead girl?
Mike: Jeannie Richardson. I saw her.
Phelous: She said he had forty-eight hours to find her, yet she keeps knocking him out. That's hardly fair now, is it?
Mike: DON'T GO THERE! PROMISE ME YOU WON'T GO THERE!
Phelous (VO): [as Mike] "Seriously, you listen to me like I listened to you! Oh shit..." So Terry immediately—not even joking—goes right to the computer and goes to good ol' FearDotCom-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com-dot-com...
Terry: Why...are you...killing...Mike? [types "Why are you killing Mike?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Guilty.
Phelous: "Guilty"?! She asked "why", not "are you"! What a piece-of-crap website! Certainly can't be the interactivity that brings people to it, so it must be the "killing you" feature that really draws people in!
Terry: Guilty...of...what? [types "Guilty of what?"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman: Watching.
Phelous: "Watching"...?! "Watching"?! "WATCHING"?! I GUESS I'M GUILTY OF "WATCHING", TOO! WATCHING A STUPID PIECE-OF-SHIT WEBSITE MOVIE!!!
Phelous (VO): So Terry picks up her little forty-eight-hour computer mind virus as well. And she knocked Terry out until daybreak. Man, for a barely interactive website ghost, she's a real cheater. So Terry and Mike's partner, Sykes, check into the dead web girl Jeannie Richardson.
[Caption: "HAD TO BE INTERNET CURSED BEFORE LOOKING THIS UP OBVIOUSLY"]
Sykes: Yeah, Jeannie. I checked out all her addresses. Shitholes. "Artist-model", my ass. You, though...
[Plays line of dialogue from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine over scene]
Weyoun: I find interspecies mating rituals fascinating.
Terry: Will you shut the fuck up?
[Cuts to shot of Terry getting a sudden nosebleed and more blood spilling onto the table]
Phelous (VO): Didn't find that a little interesting, Sykes? No? Well, we see once again he's lost all his subscribers, but is rapidly getting them back.
Phelous: It's ALLLMOOOST like they keep RECYCLING that shot!
Phelous (VO): Terry goes to see Jeannie's mother, basically just to give us the connection that the little girl's also Jeannie.
Mrs. Richardson: She was a happy child.
Phelous (VO): Terry sees the picture start moving, which, if done effectively, could've been a really disturbing sight. Here, it's just kinda like "Hmm, hmm, hmm. I gotta sit down."
Phelous: "Why does she appear as a little girl sometimes," you might ask? ...Guilty.
Mrs. Richardson: Jeanne-Marie was a hemophiliac. And she could bleed to death from just a scratch.
[Cuts to shot of Mrs. Richardson holding papers]
Mrs. Richardson: It's the old Poelzig steel mill about two miles down the road. Jeannie used to play there as a child.
Phelous: She was a hemophiliac, so she used to play at the old steel mill. Did she know if she died, she was gonna haunt a website or something and was looking forward to it?
[Scene of Terry approaching on old woman next to a bonfire, with her next line of dialogue written out in the caption]
Terry: You seem like you were expecting me...
Phelous (VO): [hushed voice] What?! [normal voice] Well, as dumb as that is, the bum lady points Terry out the way to the dead body.
[cell phone rings]
Terry: Hello?
Phelous (VO): [as Sadako Yamamura/Samara Morgan from The Ring] "Seven days..." [clears throat] Uh, I mean... [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Are you ready to play? Find me..."
Terry: Where are you?
Phelous: What? What'd you find at the old steel mill, then? Was that not her? Was it some other victim? Why'd she go do all that, then? Were all those scenes entirely pointless? I think so!
[Caption: "IT WAS HER BODY BUT TERRY HAS TO GO LISTEN TO RANDOM LINES IN THE BASEMENT FIRST"]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman (VO): Do you want to hurt me?
Phelous: YES! HOLY SHIT, YES!!!
Mysterious FearDotCom woman (VO): You're lying.
Phelous: Yeah, of course I am.
Terry: I found you! I found your body! I did what you wanted!
[swooshing noise]
Mysterious FearDotCom woman (VO): I know who you are.
Phelous (VO): Wow, she's as coherent in person as she was on the site.
Terry: I thought once we found the body, that would be an end to it.
Phelous: I THINK they thought that in another movie, too, but if you're expecting a similar twist here, prepare to be mind-numbingly disappointed!
Coroner: Don't know if it matters, but someone performed an autopsy on this body a long time ago.
Phelous (VO): Shouldn't the coroner be able to tell those cuts were made before her death? So, to actually finally combine these stupid stories and get this damn thing wrapped up, she just has the Doctor's current address inside her mouth.
Phelous: Whatever. I have no real complaints about that, because if they didn't just give it to them, they'd probably make about seventeen more useless stops before getting to the right place!
Phelous (VO): Oh, wait. Silly me. She gave them the address to his place where he has random dead faces spinning on TVs and other dumb shit, but then they find the REAL address! They arrive at the Doctor's place and call in Sykes-y Boy to come help them. So finally, Mike and Terry confront the Doctor, but he has a surprise for them!
[Scene panning to Sykes's dead body]
Terry: Oh my god!
Phelous: He's already killed Sykes. ...It takes this guy almost an entire movie to even start killing this girl, yet he's already killed Sykes and strung him up on the wall. I don't even know how Sykes GOT there first, let alone given him time to do all that! He must've just ran in with his throat out, yelling "Kill me! Kill me! Get me outta this stupid movie!" Well, here's ONE thing we shouldn't be surprised about: This makes the whole "calling Sykes in to help" thing entirely POINTLESS!!!
Phelous (VO): So I'm getting sick of this. The Doctor gets shot in the leg, but they're stupid. Instead of killing him right away, he's able to pull out a gun and blow Mike away...despite a moment ago, the Doctor saying...
"The Doctor": Guns are so...impersonal and artless.
Phelous (VO): He starts strapping Terry up, but Mike logs into FearDotCom...dot-com... She teleports him into the net, I guess, and apparently, he doesn't get two days.
[Scene of "The Doctor" screaming in agony overlaid with a scene from The Muppets]
Kermit: Huh. Scooter?
Scooter: Uh, yeah, chief?
Kermit: Remind me to stop setting up these video conferences. They're not very productive.
Scooter: You got it.
Kermit: Sheesh. [presses keyboard key]
[Cue Windows XP logout jingle]
Phelous (VO): Mike dies. So sad.
[home phone rings]
Terry: [sheepish] Hello?
[Plays line of dialogue from an English release of The Ring over scene]
Sadako Yamamura/Samara Morgan: Seven days...
[Womp-wah sound effect]
Phelous: So, wow! FearDotCom-dot-com didn't even try to hide the fact that they just rehashed The Ring's story, and yes, while this did beat The Ring into theaters over here, the original Japanese version was out a few years before this. So I can only assume they didn't think it'd get that much coverage over here, and they tried to beat The Ring into theaters. At any rate, it's just a terrible movie, and I can only hope that there aren't any real websites that awful— [snaps fingers] Actually, let's go find out! Come on, gang, let's go!
[Scene transition]
Phelous: Alright. Better open this up in my trusty Hot Box web browser.
[Phelous types on his keyboard and, after a tense crescendo, hits the Enter key only to encounter a 404 error screen]
Phelous: Ohhh, silly me, it's FearDotCom-DOT-com!
[Plays the same unrealistic screen blot from the film]
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Do you like to watch?"
Phelous: Not really.
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Do you want to play?"
Phelous: Hmmm... Not likelyyy. Let's just saaay "nnno".
Dena Natali: [as Gwaelin from Dragon Quest] "But thou must!" [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Do you want to play?"
Phelous: I said no!
Dena Natali: [as Gwaelin from Dragon Quest] "But thou must!" [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Do you want to play?"
Phelous: No!!!
Dena Natali: [as Gwaelin from Dragon Quest] "But thou must!" [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Do you want to play?"
Phelous: FIIIIIINE!
Dena Natali: [sighs in exasperation] Enough with that attitude, Phelous!
Phelous: [feigning shock] WWWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...???
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "I know who you are."
Phelous: Well, I know that NOW! You DID just say my name!
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Time to play."
Phelous: Time to play what?
Lee Davidge: Hey! Whatcha doin'?
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "GET OUT!!!"
[Lee squeals in fear and runs away]
Dena Natali: [dramatically clears throat] [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Find me."
Phelous: Okay, you're right there, so... You wanna play Silent Hill or something? Silent Hill is fun!
Dena Natali: No! [thumping noises] Really find me!
Phelous: What, online? Ummm... Your YouTube account is Cyborcat. Does that count?
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "Guilty."
Phelous: Huh? "Guilty"?
Dena Natali: [as mysterious FearDotCom woman] "You have one minute." [turns away]
Phelous: I...think I'll just be turning the computer off now, thanks.
Dena Natali: Don't you dare—
[Cue Windows XP logout jingle]
Phelous: Well, that's all the time we have today! Stay tuned for my next review, where I'll be taking a look at the mov—
[Dena's "ghost" appears above Phelous]
Dena Natali: This is for keeping that leg-cutting scene in your review of The Ruins.
[Scene transition noises play as the camera cuts to Dena's "ghost", then to Phelous]
Phelous: Oh, c—
[Gory squishing sounds play as Dena's "ghost" "beheads" Phelous]
Dena Natali: Anyway, if you want to watch a good show, tune into the next Game Den, where I—
Phelous: That didn't make any sense. You're angry at me for showing a gory scene, so you rip my head off?!
Dena Natali: ...Shut up!
[end credits play]
Lee Davidge (VO): That didn't make any sense! You're...angry at me for showing a...gory scene, so you rip my head off?!
Dena Natali: ...Shut up!