Fantastic 4 Rise of the Silver Surfer
September 18, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, and NC title sequence plays, then cut to the following message: "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR33SIV3 THR33". Then cut to NC as Sparky Sparky Boom Man and Malcolm as the Pixelator slumped over lazily on the couch, holding various snacks and alcoholic beverages in their hands; they are clearly drunk)
Voice on TV (Malcolm): Next time on Iron Fist...yeah, like you give a shit.
Rob: Seriously?! (NC and Malcolm are startled awake) Are you idiots ever gonna treat your superhero personas with dignity?!
Malcolm: (drunkenly) Hey, we were gonna stop an evil alien from destroying the world.
NC: (drunkenly) Yeah, but we had a bar hopping day we were planning for months, and ain't nothin' gonna get in the way of that. (He and Malcolm both laugh, then clutch their heads, groaning in pain)
Rob: Where the hell is even Tamara?
Malcolm: Oh, we told her about our bender, but she said she had too much dignity and self-respect to indulge in our childish behavior.
Rob: Well, at least somebody had some sense.
NC: (waving dismissively) Nah, just kidding. She got blitzed on moonshine. I don't remember where we left her.
(Cut to Tamara as the Clobbererer, and it seems she passed out inside the hole of the giant donut-shaped sign of Randy's Donuts from Iron Man 2)
Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson): (offscreen) I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the donut!
(Back to the guys)
Rob: (alarmed) YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOTS! (points toward the window) THE WORLD'S ON FIRE!
NC: (singing) How about yours?
NC and Malcolm: (singing in unison) That's the way I like it, and I never get bored! (They laugh again, then again clutch their heads as they groan painfully)
Rob: (furiously) No, I mean... (He grabs NC and Malcolm by their heads, one in each hand, flings open the door and holds them out the door) THE WORLD...IS LITERALLY...ON FIRE!!!!
(Cut to a shot of a city on fire; raging flames are everywhere and buildings are crumbling)
Malcolm: We let that happen a lot.
NC: Yeah, what is this, like, the tenth Earth we've been through on this show?
Rob: (he angrily pulls NC and Malcolm back inside) HOW COULD YOU TWO LET THIS HAPPEN?!
NC: You don't understand. Even though we let the world go to shit, we've been planning this bender for a while.
Malcolm: A big while.
Rob: (he shakes NC and Malcolm) When are you two gonna learn that with great power comes great responsibility?!?
Malcolm: When Fox learns that with great franchises comes...effort.
Rob: (sighs) Let me guess: you two just saw–
NC: The greatest of the 20th Century Fox Fantastic Four movies...
Rob: (glances toward camera) Sadly, that's true.
NC: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Sur–
(Suddenly, he and Malcolm start to gag, then lean forward towards Rob and throw up)
Rob: (looking up and rolling his eyes) And that's the usual reaction. (NC and Malcolm keep puking) You know, I have other pockets.
(The title of the sequel is shown, followed by clips)
NC (vo): Because 20th Century Fox loves to punish you for liking comics, they gave us a sequel that really nobody was asking for, because...well, we saw the first one. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I guess, tries to up the ante by giving us a new character, a wedding, and...that's it. Yeah, not a whole lot was added, and I guess people recognized that, as this was the last for this particular Fantastic Four series, totaling this cast franchise to just two flicks. But to its credit, (The posters for the unreleased 1994 film by Roger Corman and Fant4stic are shown) the others didn't attempt to make it that far, so I guess that's something. Does it try the least out of the movies, or does it just...appear to try the least?
NC: (gets in his chair, wearing his usual clothes) Well, as long as there's always a superhero series that does very little superheroing...
(He glances at Rob and Malcolm on the couch. Malcolm is holding the phone, chatting with Tamara)
Tamara: (via phone, drunkenly) Dude, I'm, like, on a donut.
(She and Malcolm snicker, but Rob stops them by blowing an air horn into their ears, making them groan)
NC: ...we'll always be here to exploit it. Let's take a look at Fantastic Four: Rise of the Middle Finger...I mean, Silver Surfer.
(The movie starts with the brown planet exploding)
NC (vo): We open on Planet Shit, as it seems to be destroyed, and a glowing orb escapes its destruction.
(The flash of light flies out of the planet, which explodes very slowly to ominous choir)
NC: (hand on cheek) Man, DC Superman reboots are getting lazier.
(The opening credits start rolling, with the text floating in space)
NC (vo): The credits fly by so quickly, it's like someone's tossing them out of the garbage disposal...
(NC imitates picking up two credits like they're garbage and throwing them away without any interest. In the movie, the captions that show the locations are printed in a really bland font)
NC (vo): ...as even the description captions are so embarrassed to be in this movie, they barely want to stand out. This whole movie has the attitude of...
NC: "We made it. We're sorry. We're just gonna get through it as quickly as possible."
NC (vo): The beam of light flies around the Earth, messing up the world's environments.
(The flash flies above the sea in Suruga Bay, Japan. One of the sailors falls off the boat...to find he's not sinking in the water, as it doesn't move)
NC: (as a sailor) Oh, my God, he paused the movie! We're trapped here forever! AAAAAAAHHHH-
NC (vo): Blackouts, frozen water, snow in Egypt? This is the end-of-the-world shit right here, but the big story today is the much-anticipated wedding of fantastic couple Reed Richards and Susan Storm this Saturday!
NC: That is word for goddamn word what the news is reporting.
(In the airport, Reed Richards and Sue Storm (once again, played by Ioan Griffudd and Jessica Alba) are listening to the news on TV)
Female News Anchor: But the big story today, the much-anticipated wedding of fantastic couple Reed Richards and Susan Storm, this Saturday.
NC: (as a news anchor) It's also raining frogs in Detroit, but what will Susan's dress look like?
(Reed glances at the newspaper headline: "Reed Richards: Scientist or Celebrity?" about Reed focusing less on his work and more on his private life)
NC (vo): Yeah, if I had a nickel every time I saw a headline like that...
NC: "Neil deGrasse Tyson: Genius or Famous Genius?" Whoa, I'm buying that paper!
(The crowd of fans greet the Fantastic Four in the airport)
NC (vo): As the credits continue to roll, we see our heroes at the airport sprinkling their celebrity, both figuratively and, sadly, literally.
(Ben Grimm, or the Thing (Michael Chiklis), pours some of his sand into a little girl's handkerchief)
Thing: There you go.
NC (vo; as the girl): Wow! This is better than when I got Randy Quaid's dandruff! Best birthday ever! (normal) But Susan is legitimately concerned these end of the world reactions are going to ruin (speaks sarcastically) her special day.
Reed: This is gonna be the wedding you've always dreamed of. And I'm not gonna let anything get in the way of that. Not even the mysterious transformation of matter at the subatomic level.
NC: ...Aww, I guess.
Sue: That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. (They kiss)
NC (vo): The world explodes so she could have her happy moment?
NC: You know, when they sing "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You", (The image of two people melting in fire is shown) it's not scientifically sound advice!
NC (vo): It looks like the Fantastic Four have their first fantastic dilemma of fantastic proportions: the flight is overbooked!
Flight Attendant: It seems we're overbooked. We do have some seats available in coach, though.
NC: (laughs) How's the world looking again?
(Cut back to Giza with cold temperature and snow)
NC: Awesome. What are we focusing on?
(The Fantastic Four (except Johnny, who can fly on his own) enter the airplane)
Thing: (speaks to the old man) That's my seat. Sorry.
NC: (grinning) I was born ready for this!
NC (vo): Let's see our heroes excitingly steal luggage space from unexpecting saps!
(As the old lady bends down to her luggage, Reed stretches his arm to put his suitcase in the free spot. The lady sees this and gets confused)
NC (vo): Ah, her medicines in that bag she'll have to now check, but at least you're using your powers for good. (The movie's logo and a caption pop up that NC reads in a booming, echoing voice) Fantastic Four: They're Kinda Dicks!
(They arrive home, and Reed instantly starts analyzing the worldwide anomalies in their laboratory. Sue comes to Reed)
NC (vo): The news continues to discuss all the crazy shit going on in the world. Thank God our heroes still have the focus where it needs to be!
Sue: I have a fitting in half an hour. I haven't picked out the place settings or the flowers.
(Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) enters the lab, holding a racer uniform)
Johnny: New uniforms just showed up.
Sue: There's no way we're wearing that, Johnny. (leaves)
Johnny: What do you have against capitalism?
NC: Well, nothing. But judging by that...
(The clip showing the TV broadcasting the news in Circuit City store plays out briefly)
NC (vo): ...obvious Circuit City ad and the fact that they went out of business shortly after this film came out...
NC: ...what do you have against capitalism?
NC (vo): Susan is so gung-ho about him being focused on the wedding and nothing else, that he has to actually sneak his research about saving the world without her knowing!
(Reed comes to another room to sit behind a computer and speak with Johnny)
Reed: Keep it quiet, but, uh, I've cross-referenced and analyzed the global disturbances.
NC: (as Reed) But, you know... don't let any of the other world scientists know. ("stage whispers") Susan will throw a dizzy fit!
Reed: They're caused by cosmic radiation, not unlike the kind which gave us our powers.
Johnny: That's really boring.
NC: (as Johnny) And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm really friggin' dumb.
NC (vo): But screw those world-destroying disturbances. Bachelor party, man!
(Johnny and the Thing take Reed to the nightclub so he can hang out for the last time and relax)
Reed: I don't know anybody here.
Johnny: Yeah, I would've invited some of your friends, but forgot you don't have any.
NC: (as Reed) Eh, maybe if we actually saved people instead of...
NC (vo): ...stealing overhead compartments...
NC: Nah, we're awesome. (starts dancing) Let's party!
(Reed gives up and gets on the disco floor, making a wave with his stretched arms. At the same time, the Thing sits at the bar next to a stoner with big curly hair)
NC (vo): While Thing tries to hang out with Bob TJ Miller Ross, we see how the Fantastic Four's incredibly high-tech research facility is heavily guarded.
(The military, led by General Hager (Andre Braugher), comes out of the limo and enters the building. They walk past the doorman, played by Kevin McNulty, and into the elevator)
Doorman: Uh, good evening, and welcome to the Baxter, uh... You can't use that ele- (The elevator doors close, so he dials a number on his phone to warn Sue)
NC: (as the doorman) Tell the Rob Reiner Lookalike Contest I'm gonna be late! (sighs) I have to do my job, I guess.
(The hologram of the receptionist (Patricia Harras) appears near the desk and greets the military)
Receptionist Hologram: Ms. Storm will be with your shortly.
Sue: Hello? (As the military turns to her, the hologram disappears)
NC (vo): Yay, you'll have no other part in this movie! A couple of hundred special effects down the tube.
NC: (pulls up clenched fists in fake triumph as the movie's title appears below) Fantastic!
Hager: We're here to see Dr. Richards.
Sue: I'm sorry, he isn't here right now. Is there anything I can help you with?
Hager: Yes. You can take me to see Dr. Richards.
NC: (as Sue) Uh, you know, I'm a doctor, too. A doctor of planning weddings, which this better not interrupt!
(At the nightclub, just as Reed grabs two girls close to him, the military and Sue approach him)
NC (vo): She finds Elasti-whore dancing with some hotties, much to her dismay.
Hager: Let's talk somewhere private.
Sue: Unless you need to do Jell-O shots off someone's stomach.
NC: (as Reed, laughs and waves off in dismissal) No, no... (stops) Can I?
(The military and the Fantastic Four enter the club's kitchen, which has no cooks)
NC (vo): Here's someplace private: a completely abandoned kitchen in the middle of a busy as hell nightclub. I mean, seriously. Who eats?!
Reed: What can I do for you?
Hager: As you may know, there've been recent unusual occurrences all over the world.
NC: (sighs in annoyance) Okay. Warning sign's a movie's gonna be bad: using the phrase "as you know".
NC (vo): It's a bad way to get out exposition, because, if the person knows, why are they saying it?
Hager: As you may know, there've been recent unusual occurrences...
Kathy Morningside: (from Miss Congeniality) As you may know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant outdated.
Nute Gunray: (from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace) As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal.
Admiral Zhao: (from The Last Airbender, to Ozai) As you know, I conducted a raid on the Great Library, which most said didn't even exist.
NC: As you know, those movies all blow.
(Hager hands the photos of the glowing orb to Reed)
NC (vo): They say the situation's a lot worse than the public knows, which... (A quick clip of the news on TV is shown) already sounded pretty bad...and Reed can help by building a sensor to track the cause of the problem. But he can't, because...you know...
Reed: I'm afraid I can't.
Reed: You see, I'm getting married this Saturday. (embraces Sue) I just don't have the time.
NC: Gotta love this guy's (Hager's) look...
NC (vo): ...like, "Idiot, you for real?!" And gotta love her (Sue's) look, like "Yeah, that's my loving idiot who dances with two strippers with his hands near their crotches a second ago!"
NC: (smiles) Forgive and forget. (Beat) That the world's gonna die.
(Reed and Sue walk outside, and Reed says he's sorry)
Sue: Besides...it was nothing compared to what I did at my bachelorette party.
NC: Oh. Trust me, we know.
(A clip from Sin City is shown, showing Nancy Callahan (played by Alba) doing her job: doing erotic dancing in a strip club)
NC: (nods) You weren't invisible that night.
(Meanwhile, the flying orb's movements around the globe bring him past Latveria, where the cosmic energy affects Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon), freeing him from two years encased in metal. The next morning, everyone is preparing for the wedding)
NC (vo): So Dr. Doom from the last movie escapes, because, apparently, he had the same weak-ass security the Fantastic Four did, as the big day arrives that's so half-assed, they openly say their Stan Lee cameo is a Stan Lee cameo.
(The security guard (Michasha Armstrong) doesn't let an elderly man that is, who else, Stan Lee himself, to the wedding ceremony)
Stan Lee: Stan Lee.
Guard: Yeah, uh, nice try, buddy. (drives Lee away) Nice try. I'm sorry, yeah.
Stan Lee: (overlapping) No, really. I-I-I'm Stan Lee.
NC: My God. They destroyed his creation so much, they don't even recognize he's the creator.
NC (vo): But even after stopping Reed from protecting humanity for her friggin' days, she (Sue) still isn't goddamn satisfied. Bitch!
(Sue speaks with her blind friend, Alicia Masters (Kerry Washington))
Sue: No, Alicia. It just...doesn't feel right.
NC (vo; as Sue): Could it be because we haven't saved anyone we have been putting in danger ourselves, and now, by dodging our responsibilities, we're doing it again?
NC: (still as Sue) Oh, wait, no. It's the zit.
(Sue discovers a zit on her forehead and makes it disappear by her own will)
Sue: Crisis averted.
NC: (says the following caption triumphantly again...) Fantastic!
Sue: Now all I have to do is concentrate on the area continuously for the next eight hours.
(The clip from Sideways is shown, showing Jack Cole (Thomas Haden Church), not pulling his eyes away from the restaurant menu, giving a thumbs up and an awkward smile)
NC (vo): But it looks like Reed did create the sensor and was even finishing it on his wedding day. Even as they say two craters are heading to Earth, Thing is telling him to focus on more important things.
(Reed communicates with Hager via his monitor while he finishes building the device)
Hager: We've already gotten reports of two more craters.
Thing: (singing through his teeth impatiently) Here comes the bride...
NC: Okay, you need a world to get married in, jackasses! You are all jackasses!
(Sue comes to her brother in her wedding dress)
Johnny: You look beautiful.
Sue: Thank you.
Johnny: Dad would be proud.
NC: Aw. How touching. (Beat) In that...
NC (vo): ...they're physically touching each other.
NC: Outside of that, I don't feel shit.
(The wedding ceremony begins on the roof of their apartment. After Sue approaches Reed, who actually managed to get out, the wedding minister, played by Brian Posehn, begins to read the vows)
NC (vo): But don't worry. The sentimental casting of the priest will win your heart over.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to... (They suddenly notice that the news network helicopter is flying above them)
NC: (as the minister) Wait, I didn't even get a funny line. Why'd you hire a comedian for this part? Oh, wait, let me try this. (clears throat) Marriage. Marriage bonds is the bo- Aw, screw it. I'm gonna go bomb on Big Bang Theory.
(The helicopter loses its control and crashes into the roof)
NC (vo): But, uh-oh. Thing's blind girlfriend seems to be in danger.
Alicia: (standing in place helplessly) Ben!
(Just as the propeller blades get close to her, the Thing manages to grab the helicopter's tail and stops it with Sue's help)
NC: Well, they say your other senses are heightened once one is gone. (Beat) And her sense of stupidity not noticing...
NC (vo): ...a gigantic loud blade hurling towards her is certainly amped.
(Johnny sees the glowing orb that was causing all the problems in town, so he follows it)
NC (vo): Johnny chases after the beam of light that caused the mayhem, but more importantly, (fake disappointment) Susan is bummed about her wedding day! Oh, no!
(The extremely disappointed Sue sits on the stairs to watch all that's left after the ruined ceremony)
NC: (trying not to snicker) You know...this is a side note, but...remember when she had to cover her zit, and she had this line?
(Cut to a clip from before)
Sue: Now all I have to do is concentrate on the area continuously for the next eight hours.
NC: So, even when...
NC (vo): ...stopping a helicopter and breaking down on her most important day, (The picture zooms in on Sue's forehead, which is still looking clean) she still has that zit covered! Glad to know where all the focus is going!
NC: (as Sue, tearfully) This is the worst day I ever had!... (stops to point at his forehead) No zit, no zit, no zit. (tearfully) I wonder how many people died... (points at forehead again) No zit, no zit, no zit, no zit.
(Johnny chases after the orb, who is actually the tall, silver-colored humanoid on the surfboard called the Silver Surfer, around the town)
Johnny: (thinking) Man, he's fast.
NC: (as Johnny, his lips not matching what he says) Man, my ADR is off.
(The Surfer and Johnny continue the chase in the underground passageway)
NC: Yeah, they run to the Men in Black...
NC (vo): ...coming the other direction.
(The chase scene briefly cuts to the famous scene from Men in Black, where Agent K drives in his Ford LTD Crown Victoria on the tunnel's roof and singing. As Johnny catches on with the Surfer, the latter grabs him by neck, drags him into the upper atmosphere, suffocates and throws him with such force, he lands in the desert somewhere)
NC (vo): It looks like the beam of light is known as the Silver Surfer, who drags Johnny into space, sadly, not resulting in his body exploding, and Surfer talks with a powerful entity.
(The Surfer stands up to speak with somebody offscreen)
Surfer (voiced by Laurence Fishburne): Your herald summons you. Another world awaits. Let it be done quickly.
NC: (sighs) Okay. So...that's Doug Jones as the body of the Silver Surfer, and that's Laurence Fishburne as the voice of the Silver Surfer. (Beat) It really doesn't work.
NC (vo): Fishburne has a big booming voice (The image of Thrax from Osmosis Jones is shown) that should come out of a big booming body. Doug Jones is super-tall and super-skinny, and therefore sounds like this.
(A clip of Doug Jones playing a person in a movie or TV show is shown)
Doug Jones: (speaking in a calm, "regular guy" voice) Right on time, as always.
(Two images, one of Peter Dinklage and the other of Mike Tyson, are followed)
NC (vo): Now, that's not to say deep voices can't come out of thin bodies and high voices can't come out of thin bodies.
NC: But if, say, Laurence Fishburne's voice came out of this...
(A clip of Tweety Bird is shown, with Malcolm dubbing his voice while imitating Laurence Fishburne)
Tweety Bird: I tawt I taw a puddy tat.
NC: ...I'd be a little distracted. Wouldn't you?
(After recovering, Johnny meets up with the other three)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Johnny tells everyone what he saw.
Johnny: And it was flying this, like...like, a surfboard-type thing. I know that sounds crazy.
Thing: So, did you follow the shiny man to Lollipop Land or the Rainbow Junction?
NC: Yeah, isn't that crazy, (Gestures to the Thing) Corn Pops Man? (Gestures to Reed) Now let's go consult the stretchy guy. You are all jackasses!
(Reed apologizes to Sue he didn't say about his inside job to her, but she doesn't mind)
NC (vo): Susan's okay they've rebuilt the device, which seems surprisingly understandable...
NC: For her...
NC (vo): ...but she has more to say while also making sure you don't sleep tonight.
(Before Reed can go back into the lab, Sue immobilizes him with her force field, making his face really squishy and square-shaped, and turns Reed to her side)
Reed: (muffled) Okay. Sorry. Please continue.
NC: (lets out a nervous laugh) I didn't need that urine in my body.
Blocky Man: (shown in a clip next to the square-shaped face of Reed) YOU CANNOT BEAT US.
Sue: We will never have normal lives as long as we do what we do.
NC: (as Reed) Exactly. What do we do again?
(Outside of the facility, Johnny says to her sister he doesn't feel right after his encounter with the Surfer)
NC (vo): But something happened when the Surfer touched Johnny...
NC: (finger rests on his cheek) That sounded worse than I intended.
(Sue puts her hand on Johnny's shoulder and, almost instantly, her body is set on fire and she floats in air in front of the crowd of people while Johnny turns invisible against his will)
NC (vo): When someone with powers touches him, they seem to switch.
Woman Bystander: Hey, it's the Human Torch! (The crowd starts taking pictures with excitement)
Sue: (shrieks) Pull me in!
NC: (as the bystander) All right! (looks uncomfortable) I'm having strange physical thoughts I never had for the Human Torch before.
(Johnny touches Sue's hand, making the fire powers return to him, and Sue falls to the ground on her chest, naked. Reed appears in the crowd)
Reed: Hey, get out of there! (whispers) Sue, your clothes.
Sue: (turns invisible) Why does this always happen to me?
NC: (snickers) Gotta love the unconvincing way she said that line, as if she knew exactly why this always happens to her.
Sue: Why does this always happen to me?
(In the facility, Reed finds out an exposure to the Surfer has affected Johnny's molecular structure. The Thing tests out Johnny's new ability for himself and touches his shoulder. This makes him not only get Johnny's powers, but also regain his human form back. Johnny, on the other hand, has the same brown sand-like skin of Thing)
NC (vo): They decide to play around with it more, as Thing switches powers with Torch.
Johnny: (sees his new look in a silver can, annoyed) Oh, my God! Come on!
NC: (winces) You look like one of the...
(The image of Anthony Padilla and the poster for The Tigger Movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...Smosh guys in a gritty reboot of The Tigger Movie.
NC: Actually, who am I kidding? That could be the next Fantastic Four reboot!
Ben: (after putting out the small fire he's gotten) Hey. Hey, it's me! I'm back!
NC: (as Ben) Wow, I felt human skin for the first time in years. The psychological impact this is gonna have on me is tremendo-
(Johnny, who really doesn't approve of this change, returns the fire powers to himself, thus returning Ben to his Thing form)
NC (vo; as Ben): Oh. I guess it meant nothing. Moving on.
Thing: (to Johnny, who's walking out) You and me are gonna be spending a whole lot of time together, pal. (chuckles)
NC: (nods slowly, smiling) I can't compete with the "flame on" joke you've already made in your head, so I'll just continue.
(Cut to the Surfer flying in the sky)
NC (vo; as the Surfer; quickly): Hi. Just a reminder I'm in this movie. Okay, bye.
(We then cut to Sue watching the news about her embarrassing powers switch with Johnny. To calm her fiancee, Reed turns the TV off)
NC (vo): So Susan sits around watching gossip news about herself...Hey, remember when she used to do science?!...and Reed tries to solve the problem.
Reed: What if, after this crisis is over, we leave it all behind? (Johnny is shown overhearing the conversation) I'll take a teaching position somewhere. And the two of us will live our lives and raise a family like normal people.
(Cut to Malcolm and Rob, still on the couch)
Malcolm: Maybe they have a point. All this superheroing is...really exhausting.
Rob: ...What superheroing?
NC: Yes, you're right. We've done so much for the community just like the Fantastic Four. Maybe we have earned calling it quits.
Rob: You haven't done BULLCRAP!
Malcolm: You thinking what I'm thinking?
NC: What if Mr. Peanut has a peanut allergy?
NC: We should give up being the Adequately Impressive Three!
(To the dramatic music, Malcolm gets off the couch and takes off his Pixelator glasses. NC stands up and comes to Malcolm with his Sparky Sparky Boom Man mask. The two throw their superhero items on the floor and look at them solemnly)
NC: It was a good run.
Rob: (arms crossed, looking displeased) It was no run.
Malcolm: We leave behind something beautiful.
Rob: Hollywood marriages have lasted longer.
NC: We've stopped so many catastrophes.
Rob: Anything you've stopped, you started.
Malcolm: But if we are to have our own lives...
Rob: What lives?
Malcolm: ...we must make the sacrifice.
NC: The Adequately Impressive Three...are no more.
(NC and Malcolm put their hands to foreheads tragically...but stop for a moment, along with the BGM)
Malcolm: Oh, we should probably let Tamara know.
NC: Oh, that's a good idea, yeah.
(He takes out his phone and touches the screen once to call Tamara)
Tamara: (via phone) Hey.
NC: It's over.
Tamara: (via phone) 'Kay.
(NC hangs up...and he and Malcolm resume posing tragically, as the dramatic music continues to play. We go to a commercial. After returning, we cut to Dr. Doom, still wearing his black cloak that covers his face, tracing the Surfer to the Russell Glacier and having a talk with him)
NC (vo): So Dr. Doom hunts down the Surfer and tries to make a deal with him.
Doom: Together, we could be unstoppable. Anything would be ours for the taking.
NC: (as Doom) I mean you, with your world-destroying powers, and me...with my badass cloak!
Surfer: All that you know is at an end. (turns to leave)
Doom: (electrocutes the Surfer) Wait!
(The Surfer, who is unharmed after the shock, turns back to Doom angrily. Cut to the clip from Avengers: Age of Ultron, showing Tony Stark in Hulkbuster suit after a similar outcome with The Hulk)
Tony: ...I'm sorry.
(The Surfers blasts Doom through the ice and leaves him, but the cosmic energy of the Surfer's blast heals Doom's body)
NC (vo): The Surfer's power seemed to cure Doom, because...
NC: ...That'll show him.
NC (vo): So now he looks like less like (picture of...) Verminous Skumm and more like a wax model of Seth MacFarlane. (Meanwhile, the team tries to figure out where the next crater will appear) But even bigger problems are on the horizon: it seems every planet the Surfer visits is always destroyed a week later. He's the...Ring video of apocalypses.
(After determining that the new crater will be in London, the Four and the military get into a helicopter to get there. We are shown them speaking inside the copter)
Reed: Gotta stick to the plan and work as a team.
Johnny: Oh, so we're a team now? That's news to me.
Reed: What are you talking about?
Johnny: You know what I'm talking about.
Thing: You should have told us.
Reed: All right, all right, that's enough!
Hager: What the hell is wrong with you people?!
NC: (as Hager) I'm talking about you, people filming this scene! (speaks normally) Have you ever been on a helicopter?!
NC (vo): Why are you shooting it like this?! You're shooting it like it's (clip of...) a back-and-forth in a colorful funhouse! And why are you zooming in?! Helicopters don't zoom in! You are all jackasses!
(In London, the crater appears on the River Thames and drains it, which causes an earthquake. The Four and the military arrive too late)
NC (vo): They find out the next disturbance will be in London, so they try to head over there to stop it.
(The London Eye starts collapsing, and the people run off on the bridge)
Policeman: Get out! Get out!
NC: (mock shock) Oh, no! Does this mean the Fantastic Four will actually have to do something?!
(Cut to a man with a face that is really similar to the other famous one. He almost falls off his cabin in the London Eye, but Sue runs to the falling wheel and tries to put it back in its position with her force fields - even walking above the Thames)
NC (vo): Don't worry, maybe Matt LeBlanc. Invisible Woman will save you with...much more impressive powers than I thought she had. Holy shit, she could do all this?
NC: I feel like there's a lot of scenarios where...
NC (vo): ...encasing building-sized objects and walking on air could have been useful!
NC: And on top of that, she STILL...
(Zoom in to Sue's clean forehead again)
NC (vo): ...has that zit covered! It's only one day later, there's no Windex around...
NC: She's clearly using energy on that!
(Johnny welds the wheel back, saving the people on the London Eye)
NC (vo): So give them a hand. The Fantastic Four finally stops something not caused by them...though, if they had time to focus more on these anomalies and not the wedding, they probably could've stopped it earlier.
(Cut back to the clip of General Hager in the helicopter)
Hager: What the hell is wrong with you people?!
(Unfortunately, the Thames is fully drained)
NC (vo): But the military doesn't see their good deeds as good enough.
(The Four are called in the military's headquarters)
Hager: What the hell was that?! I'm bringing in some help.
Reed: General, you bring in more soldiers and weaponry, you're gonna put innocent people in danger.
NC: (as Reed) That's our job!
(Victor Von Doom reveals himself to the Four (much to their dismay), as he already made a deal with the military, having good experience and recommendations)
NC (vo): So the military ask Dr. Doom for help, because they don't realize how stupid dangerous it is just to, say, ask Dr. Doom for help. HIS NAME IS DOOM!
Doom: (to Reed) The world's at stake, and...we need to work together to survive.
NC (vo): You know, I just figured out why I can't take Dr. Doom seriously...
NC: ...On top of that...he always has a sneer that looks like he's one step away from making a childish insult.
Thing: Reed, don't agree to this.
NC (vo; as Doom, speaking tauntingly to Reed): Yeah, how were the residuals for (poster for 2004's movie...) King Arthur, Lancelot?
(After analyzing the recording of Doom and the Surfer's encounter, they decide to separate him from the board, but don't know how)
Doom: If I knew that, I wouldn't need you people, would l?
Doom: (to Sue, outside of the lab) Give it your best shot.
NC (vo; as Doom, addressing Sue): You're aware Nip/Tuck was overrated...wait, that was the dick in me. You have dumb hair!
(Reed is still unsure about Doom's benefit for the Four. Sue approaches him)
NC (vo): So Reed tries to figure out where the Surfer is gonna appear next. Well, seeing how both Ben and Sue are scientists, I'm sure maybe they can help him ou- (Sue starts rubbing on Reed's shoulders, and in the meantime, Johnny and the Thing drink some booze) ...or she can just rub his neck, and he gets blind drunk.
NC: (says the following in the same tone again...) Fantastic!
(The Four arrive in the Black Forest in Germany to capture the Surfer, but discover the military and Doom are already there)
NC (vo): They do figure out where he's gonna arrive next, though, and the military...again, for no real reason, decide to treat them like assholes.
Hager: So let me make it clear for you and your pack of freaks here. I'm the quarterback. You're on my team.
NC: (as Hager) Oh, by the way, thank you for helping us find this thing, weirdo!
Hager: But I guess you never played football in high school.
Reed: No, you're right. I stayed in and studied. And fifteen years later, I'm one of the greatest minds of the 21st century. I'm engaged to the hottest girl on the planet. (Sue smirks at that)
NC: (snickers) Gotta love fighting simplification by simplifying his wife.
Reed: I'm engaged to the hottest girl on the planet.
NC (vo): Oh, she's also a director of genetic research, saved hundreds of lives and can walk on friggin' nothing...
NC: But, being called the hottest girl, which she clearly didn't like in the first film...
(The clip from the first movie, showing Johnny introducing the gang before Moto-X Games, is shown)
Johnny: (gesturing towards the picture of Sue on the big screen) That's the Invisible Girl.
Sue: (seeing the broadcast on TV) "Girl"?
NC: That's the most important thing! (Beat) That zit...
(Zoom in to Sue's forehead once more)
NC (vo): ...is still covered up!
(Sue sets Reed's tachyon pulse generator where she first sees the Surfer)
NC (vo): At least wait for her to come across the Surfer to prove how useless she can be.
(Sue puts a force field around herself, but the Surfer goes through the field with no effort)
NC: (as Sue, shifts eyes nervously) Oh, shit, that's all I have. Please give me a quick death.
Sue: Why are you destroying our planet?
Surfer: I have no choice.
Sue: There's always a choice.
NC: (as Sue) If Chris Evans can be in two Marvel properties, so can you! (Pause) Pu...put you in one of the Ant-Mans or something. (Bill Foster from Ant-Man and the Wasp, played by Fishburne, is shown)
(The military opens fire on the Surfer upon finding him)
NC (vo): But the Surfer is attacked, and...
(The Surfer absorbs one of the missiles with his board)
NC: ...Yeah, that was kinda cool.
(The Surfer dodges the other missiles)
NC: Also kinda cool.
(The Four then fire the pulse at the Surfer, separating him from his board. The weakened Surfer falls on the ground, and Doom doesn't miss an opportunity to shock the Surfer in return)
NC (vo): Ah, there's the dumb I was looking for!
Doom: Not so tough now, are you?
NC (vo; as Doom): You look like a kid who played your video game.
(The military imprisons the Surfer in Siberia, leaving him strapped to a table, where a doctor named Sherman tortures him for information with an injection)
NC (vo): So, because it wouldn't be a Doug Jones movie without him being naked, covered in makeup and looking in pain, here's all that stuff I just said.
Sherman: You should really be a little more cooperative.
NC (vo): However, the Fantastic Four aren't allowed to see the Surfer...I guess just to make the military look like idiot assholes or something?
NC: Come on, they're besties with a guy named Doom. They have to be smart!
(Sue sneaks into the Surfer's cell)
NC (vo): So Susan sneaks in to talk to him.
Sue: You said you weren't the one trying to destroy our world. Then who is?
(The Surfer's stomach shows a moving image of a cloud-like entity in space)
NC: (as Sue) Oh, my God, you're a Care Bear!
NC (vo): The Surfer says he has to destroy worlds, or else an evil entity named Galacticus* will destroy his. Killing billions to save millions. I'm not a mathematician, but that seems pretty dumb.
- Note: The name is actually Galactus...but, to be fair, that version deserves to be misnamed
Sue: Why did you try to protect me?
NC (vo; as the Surfer): ...you're the hottest girl on the planet. (as Sue) Oh, my God, does anyone take me seriously?! (as the Surfer) No. (normal) Actually, I'm not too far off. He says she reminds him of the woman he loves, and so he spared her.
NC: Yeah, all your education doesn't mean shit. As long as you got a familiar fine ass, you're safe in this universe!
(Cut to Hager in the helicopter clip again)
Hager: What the hell is wrong with you pe-
(Using the device he created earlier, Doom betrays Hager and steals the board from the compound, killing most of the Army personnel there)
NC (vo): So the military decides to give the all-powerful weapon to Dr. Doom. There is no way to rationalize that sentence without sounding like a complete dipshit. But, beyond all comprehension, Dr. Doom steals the powerful weapon! Wha...?!
(Doom puts his black mask and cloak back)
NC: (gasps) Oh, no, the mask! Wait, why does he have that?
NC (vo): Maybe he was to see if it looks any better after all these years? No. Still looks dummy-dumb.
(Doom stands on the board, which color changes to black)
NC (vo; as Doom): I look ridiculoooooous!
(Before flying out, Doom fires at Hager, and he is killed by turning into multiple shards. The Fantastic Four release the Surfer and head to the exit, but are stopped by Captain Frankie Raye (Beau Garrett), who's holding them at gunpoint)
NC (vo): He Photoshops any resistance to death and escapes. Our heroes try to follow them, but they're stopped at the exit. Oh, no! It's that woman Johnny shared one scene with, and she told him to piss off!
(NC just stares)
NC: Do I really need to show her letting them go for no reason? No, I don't, but here it is anyway.
Johnny: (to Beau) Please.
(For some seconds, Beau holds the gun...and cut to the Four and the Surfer running to the top of the building)
Johnny: We need to get to the roof!
NC: (as Beau) Well, I...what can I do?! He said "please"!
(Hager in the copter again)
Hager: What the hell is wron-
(The Four and the Surfer pursue Doom in the Fantasticar)
NC (vo): They track Doom down and try to get the board away before he...
NC: Huh. They forgot to say what his evil plan was.
NC (vo): I guess just having the name Doom was evil motivation enough. He's so evil, he even uses the exact same taunting motion twice!
(Cut to Doom speaking to Reed, turning his head to his right)
Doom: You know, I've never been the giving type.
(Two minutes later, it's the EXACT SAME shot, only slightly darker)
Doom: Come and get it, Richards.
NC: What is this, a Doublemint Gum commercial?
(The snippet of Wrigley's Doublemint ad from 1991 plays, showing the clip of two girls looking out the window repeating the second time, alternating with two times of Doom turning to Reed)
Singers: Double, double your refreshment! / Double, double your enjoyment!
(The Four confront Doom in Shanghai. Sue stands in front of the Surfer, who can't move without any help, and puts the force field around her...which doesn't save her from Doom's spear, which severely wounds her in the chest)
NC (vo): It looks like Sue sacrifices herself trying to save the Surfer. I guess she had to, because he's been on that board so long, he forgot how to move his feet. Move out of the way, you jackass! You are ALL JACKASSES! But Johnny has a plan to absorb everybody's power to sneak up on Doom.
Reed: It would take all of us.
Johnny: Or maybe just one of us.
Reed: We don't know what it could do to you.
Johnny: Let's not make this about me.
NC: Well...seeing how you're making a joke...
NC (vo): ...while your goddamn sister is dying...
NC: ...you kinda are making it about you.
(Cut to Doom in the sky, looking for the rest of the Four)
NC (vo): So he takes all their abilities and proves the power of Fantastic One.
(Johnny materializes in front of Doom)
Johnny: It's clobberin' time.
(Doom lets out a small gasp...and that's all he does before Johnny punches him with his stretchy and strong arm)
NC: (breaks down into snickering) Okay...on top of everything else, there's just something inherently hilarious about hearing a guy named Dr. Doom in that ridiculous costume gasp!
(The scene is repeated)
Johnny: It's clobberin' time.
(Doom gasps and gets punched)
NC (vo): It's just so friggin' funny!
NC: What were the other sounds that didn't make the cut?
NC (vo; as Doom): Aah! (Punch!) Oh, no. (Punch!) Uh-oh. (Punch!) Uh-huh?! (Punch!) AHH! (Punch!) Doy? (Punch!) Ba-gawk! (Punch!)
NC: The least you could do is follow it up with a...
(To end the montage of "left out sounds", a Goofy Holler is put over Johnny punching Doom. The latter eventually loses control of the board and is knocked into the harbor)
NC (vo): He finally gets the board away from Doom, but sadly, it doesn't look like Sue is gonna make it.
(Sue appears to die in Reed's arms)
NC: (as Reed, inhales through his nose tearfully and then shakes a fist into the air) Hottest girl in THE WOOOOORLD!!
NC (vo): I guess this inspires the Surfer to stop Galacticus...really? Nothing else in all those worlds you destroyed was as poetically powerful as the star of the Good Luck Chuck biting the dust?
(You guessed it...)
Hager: What the hell-
NC (vo): And he tries to set things right.
Johnny: (regains control of his board and stands on it) Tell her she was right. We do have a choice.
(Reed is relieved that Sue will live, and the Surfer flies into the dark sky, with Johnny's help)
NC (vo; as the Surfer): My choice is to get the hell out of here. Adios, you apes. It was a nice planet while it lasted.
(The Surfer flies in a brown-colored space tunnel)
NC: Okay, so this will be kinda cool. We're finally gonna see what Galacticus looks like.
(Two images of Galactus, as shown in the comics, appear)
NC (vo): In the comic, he's a massive planet-eating super-giant. They even give us a hint making the shadow look like him heading towards Earth. This is gonna be pretty friggin' cool.
NC: So, what do we get?
(Cut to the astronomic view of the Earth being sucked by a bunch of smog)
NC (vo): A giant space anus that looks like it shat out the Langoliers.
NC: You sure Galacticus didn't just send his ass? (Beat) You sure everyone didn't just send their ass?
(The Surfer lets out a massive blast of energy upon being covered by a smog, which reverses the Earth's destruction and apparently kills the Surfer. Sue wakes up shortly after)
NC (vo): The Surfer, I guess, sacrifices himself...kinda making you wonder why he didn't save billions of lives before doing that...I mean, I know he's still gotta kill himself, but...that's just kind of a dick move...and he also somehow gives life back to Sue.
Sue: (to Reed) What'd I miss?
NC: (as Reed, perplexed) Surfer magic, I guess.
(The wedding of Sue and Reed is held in Japan this time. The crowd mostly consists of Japanese women who weren't seen before)
NC (vo; sighs): So, after all that mayhem, they try once again to get married. But if there's anything masterpieces like The Legend of Zorro, Lethal Weapon 4 and Flubber have taught us, it's that rushed weddings are hilario- No, they're not.
Reed: Venice is sinking into the Adriatic.
Sue: Could we just...skip to the end?
Minister: I know pronounce you man and wife, and you may kiss the bride.
(Sue and Reed kiss. The Thing and Alicia watch them happily)
NC: (as Reed, looks back) Who the hell are these people we invited? I recognize a couple, but...80%, I have no clue.
NC (vo): But we still have time for throwing the bouquet while Venice sinks, I guess.
(Sue throws her bridal bouquet into the crowd)
Thing: Heads up, Johnny.
(Before anyone could catch it (including Raye), Johnny burns the bouquet)
Johnny: Sorry. Reflex.
(The famous clip from Back to the Future Part III of Marty McFly refusing to have a shootout with Buford Tannen even after he called him chicken is shown)
Marty McFly: He's an asshole!
(The Fantasticar flies into the sky and separates into three parts, which form the number 4 with trails)
NC (vo): Oh, we also have time to make our giant 4 while Venice sinks! Again, good to know everyone's priorities are in the shitter!
(The movie ends)
NC: Well, I'm sorry to say, but...shitter's full. (The shot of Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation saying this line is shown)
(The film's clips play out once more as NC says his final thoughts)
NC (vo): Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer tries less, so I guess it offends less. It's got one or two neat things, but they're forgotten very quickly for the lame storytelling and dialogue. The film was only rated PG, so maybe the idea was they wanted to be more of a kids film. But I think even kids would find a lot of this pretty boring, because they don't do much crimefighting. It didn't really make me angry because it was coming off of an already botched film, but it certainly didn't leave much of an impact either. It's just your run-of-the-mill dumb, no more, no less. And certainly nothing fantastic.
Malcolm: But, Critic, will the Adequately Impressive Three ever return?
(NC sighs, stands up and comes to Malcolm, and they look at their superhero items on the floor)
NC: I'll admit, Malcolm, it doesn't look likely. But you never know. If a certain clever fox and a certain clever mouse can figure things out...maybe we can, too. Maybe then, we can have, once more... a symbol.
Malcolm: Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us.
NC: Something good.
Malcolm: Something decent.
NC: Something pu-
(Suddenly, Rob appears and stomps on the items really hard. Someone's hand appears with a hammer. Rob takes it, yells and smashes the items more! The hand then gives him the TNT bomb and a remote. Rob goes to the worried NC and Malcolm, presses the button, and BOOM! Not changing the glum expression on his face, Rob hands the remote to the bewildered NC and leaves the room)
NC: ...Or not.
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Johnny: It's clobberin' time. (Doom gasps)