January 07, 2014
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(We start off in the Nostalgia Critic's office as he sits down at his computer)

NC: Ah, well, those Christmas reviews were fun, but it's time to make way for the future. (he drags a folder called "NC Christmas Episodes" into the Recycle Bin) And...empty. (He then deletes the files) Okay, there we go. Now on to Rachel's farewell video. (he opens the folder, only to see it's empty) What the hell? (Folder's still empty) Oh, that's right, I left all the footage for her farewell video in the Christmas folder. (dawning on him) In the Christ...mas...fol... (freaks out) AAAAHHH!!

(Smash cut to Rachel Tietz)

Rachel: You want me to do what?

NC: Fly back from California so we can shoot your farewell video again.

Rachel: Critic, I can't fly all the way out there and shoot that in such a short amount of time.

NC: Okay, look, I know a lot of opportunities have opened up for you down there. I'm simply asking you to throw away your future for MY personal needs.

Rachel: I can't do it. There's no time.

NC: But it was such a good idea! It won't take long to shoot you die during a war by having your head decapitated before falling down an elevator shaft after being spit out by a gooey alien while getting in a car accident...during the Red Wedding.

Rachel: It. Ain't. Happening.

NC: Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do? Have Malcolm and I discover a--

(Cut to Malcolm Ray and NC holding a DVD)

NC: --video message left here by Rachel.

(NC puts a DVD named exactly that into the PlayStation 3, then sits down with Malcolm to play it)

Rachel: Hello, Critic. Hello, Malcolm. By the time you see this, I will be in California. Some opportunities have opened up to help me continue my career as an actress. Though one door has closed, I will never forget the good times we've had. The fun, the laughs...the fact that Malcolm's worn more women's clothing than I have...

Malcolm: (sarcastically) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: ...I'll remember it all fondly. You guys are amazing friends and I'll never forget the good times we've had together. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of this experience. And...(reading off a piece of paper) if I should die in a war by having my head decapitated before falling down an elevator shaft after being spit out by a gooey alien while getting in a car accident during the Red Wedding...don't be shocked.

NC and Malcolm: We won't.

(NC turns the video off)

NC: *sigh* Well, let's not let this ruin Nicolas Cage Month.

Malcolm: I wasn't planning to.

NC: Oh, good. (camera zooms on his face as he lets out a huge smile) Nicolas Cage Month!

(We do the usual Nostalgia Critic opening, only with Anthony Sardinha as Nicolas Cage singing lyrics to the theme while every single head on screen is replaced by various characters he's played)

I'm Nicolas Cage

Well, I was in Lords of War

No-ot the bees

Another movie I was in

I think it's called Ghost Rider and I played my brother or something or other

I was the only fan of it, but I really think I got it... the vision, you know?

I'm Nicolas Cage.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to Nicolas Cage Month!

(Clips of various Cage movies play)

NC (vo): Oh, you bizarre, human explosion of a man. Just how did you get such a following the past five years or so? I mean, don't get me wrong, Nicolas Cage has been a Hollywood star for some time now. He's even gotten a lot of credit as a pretty good actor. But with the birth of the Internet, people started to notice compilation videos that showcased a certain...

NC: ...motif, if you will. That being that Nicolas Cage likes to act fucking nuts.

NC (vo): The Nicolas Cage freakout has practically patented itself because nobody else can possibly duplicate it. It's his own strange concoction of (captions appear as he says these) 10% Awkward Yelling, 10% Over the Top Spazzing, 20% Creepy Smiling, and an astonishing 60% out-of-skull Eye Bulging, making for the delightful protein shake that is our Nicolas Cage.

NC: So, okay, we all know that he can make any premise interesting by his insane performances. But, what happens when you take an (picture of Cage in Vampire's Kiss) over-the-top actor, mix him with another (picture of Terl) over-the-top actor, and combine them together with the (picture of John Woo) most over-the-top director of all freaking time? You get a mushroom cloud of uneasiness and awkwardness simply known as Face/Off!

(An explosion occurs, then clips of the movie play)

NC (vo): As if the in-your-face acting style of Nicolas Cage wasn't enough, we're complimented with multi-Razzie Award winner John Travolta, together with director and professional dove fetishist, John Woo, for literally the most overblown action flick since... well, okay, John Woo's (poster of Mission: Impossible II) next overblown action flick. But that only had one crazy ego to deal with and this one has two. And every moment of screentime is delicious 90s cornball perfection.

NC: So, let's go eat a peach for hours, this is (waving his hand in front of his face) Face...Off!

NC (vo): So as the credits roll, we see John Travolta as a cop named Sean Archer, who's with his son in one of the most wonderful places anyone could be in the 90s: Flashback Land. Yeah, you know this place. Where mundane activities that can be considered serviceable at best are suddenly romanticized with constant slo-mo, laughing, kissing, this...(Sean strokes his son's face) weird thing that'd be annoying if you did it in real life. Everything average is made great in Flashback Land. If I was to ask someone for a snack, it'd be like...

(Cut to NC at his table with Malcolm eating gummy bears)

NC: Hey, Malcolm, can I have a gummy bear?

Malcolm: Sure. (He brings the bag over to NC who grabs one)

NC: Not very exciting. (Malcolm shrugs) But in Flashback Land...

(We flash cut to Malcolm and NC laughing and throwing gummy bears at each other in slo-mo until a bang is heard and Malcolm drops dead. NC freaks out and then looks to see a giant gummy bear holding an assault rifle. It looks at him angrily before bouncing off)

NC: (slo-mo) Gummy bear!

(back to real life)

NC: Whoa. I should've quit while I was ahead.

NC (vo): And so should have Travolta for that matter, as his nemesis, a terrorist for hire named Castor Troy, played by Cage, tries to shoot Archer but kills his son instead.

(Archer is shot and falls off the merry go round with his son, leaving a big spot of blood on the horse they were on)

NC (vo): Oh, come on, John Woo, no doves? That was at least three doves worthy. How do you want us to feel something if you don't have doves?!

(Archer crawls over to his son's body, crying and cradling him)

NC (vo): Now to this film's credit, this is a pretty dramatic and emotional scene. But, it does kind of beg the question: why does Cage stop shooting? He's got him right there, what's stopping him? Doesn't he know we're gonna flashforward and he's gonna become the clichéd obsessed cop that every 80s and 90s movie has ever given us?

NC: Well, seeing how he missed the first time, maybe we can just draw the conclusion that Cage is a terrible shot.

(Back to Archer holding his son's body. A bullet hits the ground next to him)

NC (vo): (as Cage) Damn it. (another miss) Sonofabitch! (another miss) Zeus's butthole, I'm bad at this! (back to the present) So years pass and, like I said, Sean Archer becomes the stereotypical crazy obsessed cop.

Sean Archer: We're a covert anti-terrorism team that is so secret--/When we put this thing to bed, you can brand the Fourth Amendment on my butt./We'll take a break when the case breaks!

NC: While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to hunt actors from The Croods! (a poster for The Croods pops up on screen)

NC (vo): We also see Cage, smoking around heavy explosives...that's smart...as to this film's credit, it does give him the most fitting intro music an over-the-top Cage performance should be given.

(Castor closes the door to the panel he hid his bomb in as the Hallelujah Choir comes on)

NC: I will make a petition to make sure that every Cage introduction plays that music!

NC (vo): And I think we see the typical way Cage most likely keeps holy the Sabbath.

(Castor walks in front of a church choir singing and whips his head like he's at a heavy metal concert before dancing over to one of the singers)

NC: (as Cage, throwing up the horns) Can you handle this!? Can you handle this!?

Castor Troy: (singing) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (he then reaches towards the girl in front of him and gropes her butt while being a little too...excited)

NC: You know, I think the only reason Cage hasn't done a 3D movie is because the audience is afraid he'll come out and eat...

NC (vo): ...them. I know it's a long shot, but I'm not taking the risk.

(Quick slo-mo of Cage's O-face)

NC (vo): So the bomb is set and Cage makes his way to head out of the country.

(Castor gets out of his car as wind blows his coattails out behind him as he walks across the tarmac to meet his brother, Pollux Troy)

NC (vo): (as Cage) I'm just showing off how cool my cape would've been if I was Superman. (picture of Cage dressed as Superman) Come on, guys, it could've worked!

Castor: But stay away from Downtown on the 18th. It's gonna be a little, uh, [breaks into a grin] smoggy.

(Pollux laughs at it)

NC: Wasn't that the tagline for Hobbit 2? (A poster for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug has the caption "It's Gonna Be A Little Smauggy" on it)

NC (vo): But Team Travolta is hot on his trail and is determined to not let him take off.

Pilot: There's someone on the runway.

(The two look at the police cars that have materialized behind the plane to give chase, plus a helicopter)

NC (vo): (as Cage) I can't believe they located my personal jet and expensive rent-a-car. I'm supposed to be the most secretive terrorist ever!

(The flight attendant on the plane suddenly draws a pistol, revealing that she's one of Archer's undercover agents)

Winters: FBI!

NC (vo): An undercover agent tries to stop them but gets caught, so Cage relieves her of her duties.

(Castor pushes Winters out in front of him, looking at Archer's van)

Castor: One of yours, Sean?!

(He then shoots Winters, dropping her dead body onto the runway)

Archer: Shit!

(Castor gives off a goofy shrug)

NC (vo): (laughing) Oh, my God, buddy. Every movement you have is like the ending of some psychotic Looney Tunes cartoon.

(The Looney Tunes theme plays as we slo-mo on Castor's shrug, then going to his crazy face earlier)

(Archer chases the plane in a helicopter)

NC (vo): (as FBI) We will make you do Ghost Rider 3! (as Castor) Oh, come on, guys! I pissed fire in the last one! Even I thought that was kinda stupid!

(The plane crashes into a hangar, making explosions go off)

NC (vo): What, were there fireworks on that window? What's with all the sparks?

(The Hallelujah Choir plays as Castor dives out of the plane shooting at the FBI)

NC: I'm telling you, I will get that petition.

(After the shootout, Archer and Castor have guns pointed at each other)

Archer: Shut the fuck up.

Castor: You watch your FUCKING mouth! (He then yells some gibberish at him as his gun clicks, showing he's out of bullets) Okay. (he laughs nervously as he gets on his knees) I'm scared, Seanie! (he's reaching behind him for a knife) I think you better pull the trigger, because I don't give a fuck! (singing) I'm ready! Ready for the big ride, baby!

NC: (laughing again) You know, I think John Woo just always went with the rehearsal take. You know, the one that actors do...

NC (vo): ...when they think the camera is off and they're not really trying.

NC: (as Cage) Oh, Sean, I'm scared! I don't give a fuck! I'm ready for the big ride, baby! Okay, okay, let's do the real thing. (As John Woo) And cut! (As Cage, looking quite embarrassed) W-we were rolling? (As Woo) Oh, uh, of course not.

(Castor is kicked in front of a turbine which blows him backwards into a metal grate, knocking him out)

NC (vo): So Sean gets the best of Troy and knocks him out, finally capturing him. The team back at headquarters gives him a standing ovation, but somebody forgot to tell him he can stop the whole crazy obsessed cop thing when he catches the thing he was crazily obsessed over.

Archer: What is all this? (holding a bottle of champagne) How about, uh, what about to Anderson, Montgomery, Berkley, Winters? (he puts down the champagne he got as a reward)

NC: Boy, who invited Sean Penn to the party?

NC (vo): Things don't get more chipper when they find a bomb threat left over by Troy which is threatening, of course, to level the city [of Los Angeles, California]. They try to get information out of his brother as well as the rest of his gang, but they don't get anything. It seems like they're running out of options.

Dr. Hollis Miller: There is one other possibility.

(Cut to Archer's vehicle driving up to the Walsh Institute)

NC (vo): (as Archer) You know, instead of saying "there's one other possibility" and then driving me miles away in complete silence, why don't you just tell me what the other possibility is?

(Laid out in a bed is Castor Troy, upsetting Archer)

Archer: Oh, God! (facepalming) You're keeping him alive!

NC (vo): So it turns out Troy is in a coma, and, while he's out, they say they can perform a surgery where they rip off his face and give it to Sean, in the hopes that maybe his brother will tell him the location of the bomb.

Dr. Malcolm Walsh: ...Your blood types won't match, but Pollux won't know that. Height difference is negligible. Use laser shears for the hairline. Microplugs for body hair.

NC: We were considering working on your overacting, but you oddly enough seem very matched in that area.

Miller: This is a Black Bag operation. Strictly off the books. You can't tell Lazarro, and you can't tell your wife.

NC (vo): And just to add extra security to the immediate danger, we will add no extra security to the immediate danger. I'm not even kidding. They leave Castor Troy with little to no security watching him throughout the majority of the film. (sarcastically) I can't see that backfiring any time soon.

(Cut to a clip of Porky Pig and Daffy Duck)

Audience member: You'll be sorry!!

NC (vo): So this means he has to leave his wife, played by Joan Allen, and daughter again, which won't bode well, seeing how he's been so distant for so many years.

Eve Archer: You're going back on assignment again?

Sean Archer: This one last time.

Eve: "I'm not going anywhere." That's what you told me.

(Archer lets out a long sigh)

NC (vo): Okay, it's obvious she's gonna be upset about this. I mean, what spouse wouldn't be? But there is a better way to make her understand the urgency of the situation. Just enter into the room and say...

(Cut to NC in a bedroom freaking out)

NC (as Archer): Oh, my God, honey, there's a bomb! There's a bomb that's gonna blow up the entire city! Everything's gonna die, your daughter's gonna die, I'm gonna die, we're all gonna die unless I do something! (as wife) Well, then do something! (normal) You said it, not me!

NC (vo): So Operation: Kabuki Actor Swap begins. They put Travolta's face in a neon fish tank for some reason and replace it with Cage's mug. So the face is set, the voice is changed, and he's sent to the most maximum, high-tech, super-duper, secretest-est-est-est prison that no taxpayer would ever pay this much money for. Yeah, Guantanamo's an offensive piece of shit, but this place has Super Mario Brother boots that can keep a person still any time that they want. Oh, and just to make things better, how do they track these dangerous people with the most secretive hi-tech of devices? By purple dots. (a monitor is shown with purple dots representing each prisoner) How the shit dicking fuck does that work?

(Cut to Malcolm and Doug as security guards)

Malcolm: What's that purple dot doing?

Doug: It's walking next to that purple dot!

Malcolm: And what's that purple dot doing?

Doug: It's walking next to that purple dot!

Malcolm: And what's that purple dot doing?

Doug: It's just standing next to that purple dot!

Malcolm: That purple dot?

Doug: That purple dot!

Malcolm: What are these purple dots up to?

Doug: I don't know, sir! They're purple dots!

Malcolm: My God. Purple dots.

NC (vo): So Archer-as-Troy approaches his brother, but he gets into a fight with a guy who claims he slept with his wife and sister. This leads me to one of my favorite concepts in any Nicolas Cage movie: Nicolas Cage trying to be Nicolas Cage.

(Archer looks up at Pollux and has a crazy look in his eyes before pummeling the prisoner who was beating on him earlier, going into a mix of elation and depression)

NC: Oh, my God, (a picture of a pig and various cuts are shown) the ham levels are reaching maximum, people. I swear, if he keeps going like this, we're going to reach pork loins.

Walton: Lock 'em down! (the magnet boots activate on Archer's feet, locking him in place as the guard hits him with a cattle prod, making him fall down) I stop the fights. Not you.

NC (vo): (as Walton) Only I keep the total lack of control in this incredibly disciplined and advanced prison. (normal voice) Things seem to be going well when he convinces his brother that he's Troy and reveals the location of the bomb.

Archer: It's a work of art. Belongs in the Louvre.

Pollux: I guess the L.A. Convention Center will have to do.

NC (vo): Hey, things seem to be on the up-and-up. What can possibly go wrong? (The real Castor Troy wakes up from his coma) Whoops!

(He soon sees Archer's face, letting out a pained scream)

NC: Cage often awakens to the mating call of a peacock.

Castor Troy: (on the phone) They took...switched my... But it's cool! We're gonna deal with it.

(He laughs insanely, letting out a raspy wheeze)

NC (vo): And usually followed by the orgasm of a humpback dolphin. And, no, you shouldn't be disturbed that you're by no means surprised by this.

Walsh: What's this about?

Castor: Dr. Walsh!

NC (vo): So Cage, again, with no security whatsoever, wakes up from his coma, looks up the doctor, and, of course, all the people involved, and forces them to give him the exact same operation.

NC: Meaning quite possibly one of the greatest combinations of all time:

NC (vo): Overactor John Travolta now has to overact like overactor Nicolas Cage.

NC: Okay, okay, just give me a minute. (he takes some time to compose himself for the incoming ham, stifling a couple laughs) Okay, go.

(We now see John Travolta playing Castor Troy)

Castor: Ooh-whee, you're good looking!/See anything you like!?/You're hot!/Wow!/Oh, did I say that?/I have got to go./Oh, sorry./You're gonna be in here for...the next hundred years!/It's like looking in a mirror. Only...not.

(Alarms are going off)

NC: Oh, my God, the ham levels are out of control! (The pig graphic flashes along with a message saying HAM LEVELS MAXIMUM as NC gets on the phone) Someone get me Boston Market! We're at spare ribs and hot dogs! SPARE RIBS AND HOT DOGS!!

NC (vo): So Troy-as-Sean reveals that he's killed all the people who knew about the operation by claiming they accidentally tied themselves up, doused themselves with gasoline, and set themselves on fire.

Castor: God, I miss that face!

(Archer can't stand it and tries to choke Castor out as the guards come in)

Archer: DIE!!

(The cops beat Archer down)

NC (vo): Yeah, maybe our visiting rooms should have glass to separate people from the violent criminals. But, hey, what do you expect from this "technologically advanced super-duper secret prison"?

Castor Troy: Clearly, he's had a traumatic childhood and, uh... thank you.

NC: Understood. Oh, and by the way, you do a great Nicolas Cage impression.

(And we go to commercial)

NC (vo): So Troy-as-Archer makes a deal with his brother so that they saved the day from this terrible bomb, and Archer-as-Troy stays in prison.

Pollux: Seeing that face on you makes me afraid my tiramisu might come back up.

Castor: You're not only one in the family with brains.

Pollux: Although now, I am the only one with the looks.

NC (vo): Okay, did the brother get his acting lessons from the aliens in Galaxy Quest?

Pollux: Oh, my goodness. You exchange brains as well?

(Clip from Galaxy Quest)

Mathesar: We are Thermians from the Klaatu Nebula and we need your help.

NC (vo): So Travolta defuses the bomb, which, of course, makes him a national hero.

(Castor is on the TV holding the bomb while being interviewed by CNN)

Reporter: Agent Archer, does the FBI has any leads on who planted the device?

Castor: Well, that is classified information, but if he is listening, I wouldn't mind giving him a message. [grins for the camera] "Interception. Now our side's got the ball." Sorry.

(The inmates in the prison boo)

NC: You sure Jim Carrey didn't steal that face?

Castor: "Now our side's got the ball." Sorry.

NC: (as Jim Carrey) Take care, bye-bye then.

NC (vo): To make things better, not only is he suave as hell around the office now, but he's also a ten times better husband and father to his wife and kid. Yeah, I'm not even kidding. He teaches his kid self-defense, he makes dinner by candlelight for his wife.

Secretary: It's the President. Oh, and your wife on line two.

Castor: Will you tell the President to hold?

NC (vo): You sure this isn't the guy we're supposed to be rooting for? I get the feeling even Joan Allen is onto him, but she doesn't care. She hasn't gotten this much attention in years.

Castor: And I'm telling him that Sean Archer writes his own ticket, okay?

NC (vo): (as Eve) Hmm, maybe I should call the police to let him know he's not my husb--(one foot and leg massage later) Oh, no, I'm his! Okay, I don't care if you're a terrorist. You rub my feet like that and you can blow up Hawaii for all I care. (normal) But caged Cage is not happy and is eager to look for a way out. So he causes a disturbance which gets him thrown into the... (Dubov is seen getting shock therapy) electric...ish chair, where he makes a plea to the guy who attacked him the first day he arrived.

Archer: Dubov, I didn't touch your wife, and I didn't touch your sister.

NC (vo): (as Dubov) They're the same person.

Archer: So I know your wife loves you. She's waiting for you. So let's get out of here.

Walton: You're more braindead than Dubov.

(Archer burns one of the guard's hands with a cigarette while Dubov knocks Walton out)

NC (vo): Ha-ha! From the five second speech, I guess he suspected that he was an innocent man in disguise trying to sneak in to find the location of a bomb but accidentally got trapped there for the rest of his days and is now trying to set things right. What chosen words to make him think that.

(The guards shoot at Archer as he ducks for cover)

NC: Shoot anything that looks like a purple dot!

NC (vo): The two guys cause a panic and break the entire system of this super-duper hi-tech uber secret security prison, as Cage gets separated from his helper.

(Dubov is hanging on by a gun that Archer's holding onto. Unfortunately, the gun slides out of Archer's hand and Dubov falls to his death)

NC (vo): (as Archer) Take comfort knowing that I'm a lousy father and husband who's about to spread chaos with my escape, causing the deaths of dozens, which could have been avoided if I just stayed here. (normal) He gets to the surface, only to find that the prison is an island (even though it's clearly an oil rig) far from land. (An attack chopper shoots at Archer, who then dives off the platform into the ocean) Ah, yes, and I'm sure nobody on shore notices the giant, loud helicopter firing on a man in this super-duper, secret, hi-tech, holy shit, fuck store prison. (Finally gets annoyed at the prison) I think (picture of) Spy vs. Spy kept better hi-tech secrets than you guys! So Archer-as-Troy manages to swim all the way to shore! I guess Aquaman (picture of Cage on top of Aquaman) owed him one, and he tries calling his wife, but big shock, she doesn't believe him. (beat) Or...maybe she does and she just doesn't care. Again, that was a pretty good footrub. So he goes to Troy's old gang, who put him up and start planning their revenge against Not-Archer after taking a few hits of what I can only assume is called the Robert Downey Jr.

Aldo: Once we kidnap Super Cop, then what?

Archer: I like to take his, his face...off.

Dietrich: You want to take his face?

Archer: Yes. His face...off! Eyes, nose. It's coming off.

Dietrich: Face...off.

NC: Wait, wait, wait, let me get this clear? Face...

Archer: Off.

NC: Face.

Archer: Off.

(It then goes into a quick montage of NC, Archer and Dietrich going "Face" and "Off")

NC: Now I got it. Wait, wait, wait. Face...

Archer: Off.

NC: Totally lost.

NC (vo): He then discovers that not only does he have a girlfriend, but a son, too.

(Castor's son, Adam, turns to face Archer, making the crowd go "aww")

Sasha: I want you to meet your father. Look at him, it's okay.

NC (vo): So, fittingly enough, he has a woman and kid he ignores in this life just as much as he did in the other one. Great...minds?

(A gunshot soon rings out before Archer is bringing Sasha and Adam down for cover)

NC (vo): But Troy-as-Archer attacks and tries to take the gang down. But Mama Troy doesn't want Baby Troy to be scared, so she plays some music for him. Which...obviously would do fucking nothing, but in a John Woo film, it's about as lame as any other reason to be artsy.

("Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays while Castor's gang is being shot down by a SWAT team. Adam stands up and reaches for his "father")

NC (vo): Ah, yes, and if there's any message that this movie is trying to get across, it's "Don't put kids in the middle of a violent shootout between FBI agents and terrorists for hire."

NC: I don't know how many more movies we have to make before America gets that, but clearly, we're not there yet.

(Archer grabs Adam out of the way before a SWAT member shoots at him)

NC (vo): Oh, come on, John Woo. That was at least five doves worthy. Five doves and you didn't even give us one! Come on, you know they're all waiting in the back saying...

(Cut to a clip of two doves, voiced by Malcolm)

Dove 1: How long we gotta wait back here?

Dove 2: I don't know.

1: What do you mean you don't know? We're doves in a John Woo movie. It's like having man nipples in a Zack Snyder film.

2: Will you just keep quiet?

1: What if they never use us? We'll go back to being stand-ins for that movie no one remembers (picture of Rio 2), but for some reason, they're making a sequel to.

(Castor is about ready to shoot Adam until Dietrich steps in the way, taking the bullet)

NC (vo): But Travolta narrows them down and shoots one of the gang members in the neck.

Dietrich: (speaking clearly even though bleeding out of his neck before dropping dead) Hey, man. We had some good times, didn't we?

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's what he'd sound like after being shot there. I'd think the more appropriate sound would be like... (making choking moans) "good night!" So it's the showdown...kind of...as Travolta and Cage are back to back.

Castor: Let's just kill each other.

(Archer and Castor turn to face the mirrors, seeing they're still in the skin of their enemies before shooting the mirrors, ducking out of the way of each others bullets)

NC (vo): Heh. It's symbolic of how they both shot their own careers in the face. (Archer manages to get away as Loomis fires a grenade launcher at him) But Cage gets even by axing off Travolta's brother and thus, he finally gets to his wife and tries to explain what's going on.

(Eve has just gotten out of the shower, unaware that Archer-as-Castor is behind her)

NC (vo): (as Cage) Um, nope. There's no way I can't make this awkward.

(Eve, of course, freaks out at the sight of him)

NC (vo): So he tells her to take a blood test in order to find out the truth. (Eve jabs Castor-as-Archer with a needle to get some blood) She does exactly that as...I guess Travolta is too manly to not notice when a needle's been stuck in him...and she discovers the truth. So now that he has his wife on his side, this now leads to the real showdown...kinda, when Travolta attends the funeral of his boss who passed away (he actually murdered him for discovering his secret) and Cage sends a note. And can it be?

NC: (leaning in) Is it possible?

(Ode to Joy plays as Archer walks in and finally, the doves appear!)

NC (vo): Yes! (reading caption) WE HAVE DOVES! That's right, because this is a church that clearly never closes its doors at any time, we have religious, symbolicous doves to fill the air.

NC: But we need something more poetically hardcore for this climax. What do you say we set those doves on fire?

(The doves are now flying around on fire, screaming in pain)

Dove 1: Aaah! Oh, my God, I'm cooking like Christmas dinner!

Dove 2: At least he isn't blowing us up like his original plan--*BOOM!*

(Castor stretches his arms out, chanting in Latin)

Castor: Isn't this religious?

(Castor stretches his arms out before flashing to Christ on the cross)

NC: (confused) Was that to signify that Travolta is Jesus? I mean, I know he believes that, but it's still kind of confusing for us.

NC (vo): So everybody, and I mean everybody, comes in to partake in a Mexican stand/face-off. This results in the girlfriend getting killed, the wife getting away okay, and everyone except our main characters, of course, getting axed, building up to the final showdown...kinda.

(Archer sits up and shoots at Castor, flipping as he shoots at him)

NC (vo): (as Cage) I throw my pointless flip at you!

(The two of them trade gunfire with each other throughout the church)

Eve: Hello, Wanda? Wanda, this is Eve Archer. (more gunfire) I have something crazy to tell you.

NC: (on phone, as Eve) I clearly should've told you this yesterday so we could bring this to not such a bloody close, but, I'm sorry, I needed another footrub.

NC (vo): So they make their way to some boats, which, of course, they know how to drive, and they partake in yet another action scene.

(Archer chases Castor on a speedboat)

(Cut to a clip of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

Indiana Jones: Are you crazy?! Don't go between them!

Elsa: Go between them! Are you crazy?

(Cut back to Face/Off)

(Archer pushes Castor's boat onto a police boat. The cops dive out of the way as Castor's boat drives through, making it explode as it ramps off)

NC (vo): Okay, that's freaking awesome. Throw in a few flaming doves on that one. (a couple flaming doves fly by)

(Archer's boat soon crashes into a sandbar, launching him, Castor and the boat into the air though it's obvious that the two men in the shot are their stunt doubles)

NC (vo): Oh, no, they must've crashed into two totally different men driving the same boats because that quite clearly isn't Travolta or Cage. Unless they had another face operation between those cuts, which, given these plot holes, wouldn't surprise me.

(The two finally hit the ground while the boat blows up)

(Archer is straining to get up after that launch)

NC (vo): (as Cage) Sand? I can't blow up that!

(The two have a final fight before Archer finally kills Castor with a harpoon gun)

NC (vo): So he finally kills him off, the police believe his story, and they take him to get his face switched back. His family, for some reason, doesn't visit him in the hospital, and he comes home with a brand new mug.

(Archer's finally back in his old face, hugging his family)

Archer: I've got something to ask both of you. (He brings in Adam, now orphaned) This is, um, Adam. And he needs a place to live.

NC: (as Eve) Wow. Really putting us on the spot there, honey. Like we're gonna say no straight to a kid's face who just lost his parents. Couldn't we have at least had a conversation about this beforehand?

NC (vo): (as Archer) Yeah, I'm still a terrible husband, but what are you gonna do? Hug me! (Archer and Eve embrace each other) (as Eve) God, I miss the other guy.

NC: So that's Face/Off. It's over-the-top, ridiculous, totally bloated, 90s cheese fun.

(Clips of the movie play again)

NC (vo): The action is great, the acting is enjoyably corny beyond compare, but to its credit, everything is kind of over-the-top, so it matches the tone. It's silly, crazy, makes little sense, and a great freaking deal of fun. It only gets sillier and better every single time I see it.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Nicolas Cage Month has just begun!

(NC air guitars out of his room. Even the end is sung by Anthony Sardinha as Nicolas Cage)

I'm Nicolas Cage-- okay, there's one credit where I'm a singer.

Now, I'm in Lords of War

I was also in Matchstick Men with that dude from Iron Man 2

Honestly, I think I could've been a really great Iron Man

I was almost Superman at one point

But despite all my rage

I'm still Nicolas Cage.

(We now cut to Doug Walker in his office)

Doug: Okay, so this episode is semi-based on a true story. Uh, Malcolm was really killed by a gummy bear--no. Uh, this was Rachel's last episode as she has gone back to California, some opportunities have opened up for her there. Uh, but here's also the thing that's kind of true is that we actually did shoot this great big exit episode that actually did tie into the review, and it was really big and also introduced the new actress coming in to take Rachel's place, but, uh, sadly, the thing is that's also true about it is that it was deleted by yours truly and I feel awful about that, and it's one of the dumbest things that I've ever done, and I feel awful it, but... We didn't want people to think, "Oh, Rachel was just another performer, you know, came in one step--" No, it was really really cool, and she was always upbeat, always optimistic, no drama whatsoever, and was just even on days where you can tell she was really tired, doing a lot of performing at plays and stuff, but she came in big smile, always gave it 100%, and we at Channel Awesome really appreciate that. So, we got her here right now. Say, hi, Rachel.

(Rachel appears on webcam)

Rachel: Hi!

Doug: Like I said, we wanted to give one last farewell to her because we did have a farewell video in what we recorded as well, but like I said, deleted, dumbass. Uh, so we just wanted her here to just, you know, via Skype to say, uh, any last words that you wanted to get out here to the Channel Awesome audience.

Rachel: Well, I guess all I really wanna say is thank you to you, and, um, to all the fans for...for welcoming me into, um, you guys' family and, you know, the whole Channel Awesome and everything and it was just, it was just such a great experience and I to--never expected to be doing anything like this. Um, so I'm so glad for the opportunity to have met all you guys and, um, and now, now I can watch all the episodes without knowing what's gonna happen! Hahaha! So I'm excited for that, uh, and yeah. Thanks so much.

Doug: Wonderful. Thank you so much. She really is a hard worker, great actress, great talent. Uh, she's got a Youtube page, a Facebook page. Keep showing your support, guys, and I'll catch you later. Take care.

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