|
FMV Hell Halloween Special - Bloodwings: Pumpkinhead's Revenge
| |
|
Date Aired
|
October 31, 2009
|
|
Running Time
|
30:24
|
|
Websites
|
|
The series intro plays for 12 seconds, and then...
Spoony: Stop, stop, I'm sorry, fuck it, no, I, I... no, I'm sorry, guys. I... I can't do this, I won't do this. I, I was going to do this review with all these sketches with the Gatekeeper and the black hole, and try to review Bloodwings: Pumpkinhead's Revenge, but... you know what, I-I-I-I can't. I can't write a review for-- I can't make this funny! I spent all week, sitting in front of a blank word processor screen, writing nothing, because... I couldn't make this funny! And you know what I realized? I finally realized, as the deadline was coming up, that even if I could write something funny...I shouldn't! You know why? Because the worst thing I could do to dignify this, this...this, this piece of shit is by putting more effort into it than the fucking programmers did! You know, I spent a whole month, before that, playing this. And then, when I couldn't play it, I researched it, and then I played it again, all in an attempt to answer one simple question: What the fuck IS this?!
...
Spoony (VO): I guess we should start where I started, when I was sifting through the software rack at an used bookstore for old shitty games. Specifically, FMV games to fill out the series I was doing. And that's when I found this one.
Spoony: Yeah, three fucking dollars; I still feel dirty and cheated like I paid to have sex with a monkey. A dude monkey. Anyway, when I bought it, this was exactly how it came. It didn't have any instruction manuals or anything, so this is exactly what it was like to jump into it.
The game's opening logos play
Spoony (VO): Okay, let's see who's responsible for the-- the Motion Picture Corporation of America? And BAD Interactive? Yeah, that's appropriate. Oh, it's BAP. (The second logo crossfades to the game's title, which fades out. We then fade in on an old woman sitting by a fireplace.) Um, yes? Can I help you? Hello? Did the game just lock up?
- Woman: Beware... you are entering the world... of Pumpkinheeeeeeaaaaad. (As she says this, the image fades out)
Spoony: Wow. You guys really took advantage of this brand new full motion video technology, didn't you? It's almost like there's too much action to be contained on one screen! You have the ultimate bleeding-edge technology, and you use it to stage (Cut back to the opening video) this static, poorly-lit waste of my fucking time?! A withered old crone I can barely see?! (Back to Spoony) I've seen fucking lawn decorations on Halloween more animate than this! And scarier, too!
...
Spoony: And that was it; that was as far as I could get. I was completely lost. All I could be certain of was that you appear in a maze, and white creatures shoot at you. And beyond that, that's it; it doesn't tell you anything! It's like, what, is it assuming, that you've seen Pumpkinhead II? Doesn't that, by connection, imply that you've seen Pumpkinhead I? I just don't get it! I-- you know what? I was a movie critic for three years. I was published in a magazine. I specialized in shitty sci-fi and horror movies, and I've never seen Pumpkinhead, let alone Pumpkinhead Fucking II, and I've seen (DVD cover for...) Santa's Slay! (Back to Spoony) Oh, but this must be for the hardcore fans, you might say. Knowledge and love for the Pumpkinhead series is essential to your full enjoyment of this game, and you know what? Okay, asshole. I'll play. 'Cause, you know, I'm sure this makes loads more sense if you've seen the fucking movies; so you know what? (Holds up DVDs of the first two) I did it!
...
Spoony: Oh, how I wish it was a Doom ripoff. You know why? (Leans toward the camera) DOOM DIDN'T SUCK!
To be continued