Nostalgiaween Opening Plays

NC (voiceover): Let's finish out Nostalgiaween with another bad sequel. You all know the film the Exorcist. Creepy girl gets possessed and two priests have to exercise her through prayer and....beating the shit out of her. Well, four years later, John Boorman took the directing chair to bring us the sequel: Exorcist 2: The Heretic. And just like the first film where people had to be rushed to the hospital because of scariness,

NC: people had to be rushed to the coffee shop to wake the fuck up.

The title of the film is shown as well as clips from it

NC (voiceover): This is certainly one of the strangest sequels to ever be constructed. It has a lot of scary ideas but no real scary scenes. Its concepts are fascinating but its delivery is downright silly. It has the original star, but was directed by the same guy who put Sean Connery in orange leighterhausen.

NC: You can see where problems might arise. So let's see if the power of christ can compell this film. This is Exorcist 2.

NC (voiceover): So we open up with Richard Burton playing a priest who's been called out to exercise a girl they say might be possessed.

A woman is being held back by other people and calms down at the sight of Father Lamont (Burton)

NC (voiceover): The funny thing is, this is just how they get Sarah Silverman to go to church. But she breaks lose and decides to turn up the heat.

Some scene goes on that I think is that woman being burned to death. Correct me if I'm wrong. And she makes a bunch of really weird faces.

NC (voiceover): She takes on the form of Jim Carrey then we cut to our stunt dummy being burned alive. We then cut to Regan, the possessed girl from the first film in....Stanley Kubrick's daycare center..where she undergoes councelling sessions by Nurse Rachett

Regan: Well, you know why I come here.

Nurse: Why don't you tell me?

Regan: To make my mom feel better.

Nurse: Explain that, would you?

Regan: She feels guilty.

Nurse: Why?

Regan: Divorce, her career, away all the time,

NC (voiceover): (snickers) Away all the time. That's code for Ellen Burstyn read the script and said (audio clip from the original film) FUCK ME!

Nurse: But you keep telling me that you don't remember about that time in Washington.

Regan: I remember being very sick and having nightmares.

Nurse: Those bad dreams are still inside you.

Regan: There's nothing wrong with me.

NC: Lots of girls walk backwards down the stairs on all fours.

NC (voiceover): We then cut to Richard Burton who discusses the uneasiness of examining the death of Father Merrin. Four years after his death but better late than satan.

Priest: Some that are close to the pontive go so far as to suggest...that he was a satist. At the end, I mean.

Lamont: Perhaps Father Merrin led us astray. Perhaps he took a path no one could follow.

Priest: Christ is hard to follow, too.

Lamont: We were young. Today, wherever I look, I see only evil. God has fallen silent.

NC (voiceover): Well...yeah, that's what most Catholics think but you're not supposed to say it.

Priest: You will conduct the investigation.

NC (voiceover): So he begins his investigation with Regan. As he asks questions about her to Nurse Rachett.

Nurse: I can't let you question her.

Lamont: You have a heavy responsibility. The care of her soul.

Nurse: The care of her mind and her body is my responsibilty, Father.

Lamont: You do realize what you're up against.

Nurse: What am I up against, Father?

Lamont: Evil. Evil is a spiritual being. Alive and living.

NC (voiceover): Well, I'm sure a woman who plainly shows that she's a person of science and fact would love to go up against (in a cartoony matter) EEEEEVVUUUULLLL!

Nurse: The shock or recall could result in self-punishment.

NC (voiceover): But she does allow him to watch a new psychological experiment tested on her. Listen to this, the device, or "seizure machine" as I like to call it, puts both the subject and the doctor into a deep hypnotic state. This...somehow allows the doctor to go inside her mind and see what she's seeing. Okay, maybe in a scifi film, this would be interesting, you know, sort of this new technology that doesn't exist. But in a horror film? Especially, one as grounded reality as Exorcist, this seems really out of place! Do you think the first film would have worked better with scientific technology?

Merrin (from the first film): I cast you out!

Regan (from the first film): Fuck him!

Merrin Be gone!

Regan: Fuck him!

Merrin: From this creature of god!

Regan: Fuck him!

NC (dubbing as Merrin): Well, set phasers to crisp.

Shows a fire and explosion effect over a clip from the first film

The seizure machine is running and Regan is shown opening her eyes to them rolled in the back of her head, while the NC does a dubbing that sounds like someone having a seizure

Nurse: Now, Regan, I want to come down and be with you.

NC (voiceover): So Regan allows Nurse Rachett into her mind, but it seems like what she's seeing is too frightening for her heart to take. So Regan breaks the connection, which should probably snap the other woman out of it but, whatever. I didn't make it. So the priest goes in to try and save her.

Lamont: I know where she is. Help me to find her.

NC (voiceover): Yeah! The priest! Who has never seen this thing before and has no idea how it works! Why doesn't the assistant go in or...somebody else who knows what they're doing but who are surprising absent! I'm so glad herr mental heath is so important to you lady. That must be why NOBODY ELSE IN THE BUILDING KNOWS WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG. Protection: TOP priority!

Assistant: Relax deeply. Watch the light.

NC: Yes, just relax. Or she'll DIEEE!

NC (voiceover): So Burton sees the image of the exorcism going on while Regans...doing the mindmeld with her goodies.

Regan begs Lamont to bring the nurse back, while a clip from the first film overlaps, seeing possessed Regan and Merrin. For some reason, the Nurse's heart is shown while human Regan and possessed Regan are fighting over it.

NC (voiceover): Ummm, this wass before the jailsploitation films, right?

Lamont: In God's name!

NC (voiceover):

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