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Exorcist 2

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October 25, 2011
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(Nostalgia-Ween opening plays, featuring images and clips from NC’s reviews of Leprechaun, Casper, It, Paranormal Activity, Ernest Scared Stupid, and Teddy Ruxpin, all set to “The X-Files” theme)

(Images and footage from “The Exorcist” (in addition to the movie poster for “Exorcist 2”) are shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Let’s finish out Nostalgia-Ween with another bad sequel. You all know the film “The Exorcist.” Creepy girl gets possessed and two priests have to exorcise her through prayer and… (A clip of Damien Karras beating Regan (while she’s possessed) on the floor is shown) …beating the shit out of her. Well, four years later, John Boorman took the directing chair to bring us the sequel. “Exorcist 2: The Heretic.” And just like the first film where people had to be rushed to the hospital because of scariness…

NC: …people had to be rushed to the coffee shop to wake the fuck up.

(The title screen for “Exorcist 2: The Heretic” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): This is certainly one of the strangest sequels to ever be constructed. It has a lot of scary ideas, but no real scary scenes. Its concepts are fascinating, but its delivery is downright silly. It has the original star, but is directed by the same guy who put Sean Connery in orange lederhosen. (An image of Sean Connery dressed in “orange lederhosen” for the film “Zardoz” appears briefly)

NC: You can see where problems might arise. So, let’s see if the power of Christ can compel this film, this is “Exorcist 2.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So it opens with Richard Burton playing a priest who’s been called out to exorcise a girl they say might be possessed.

(Father Phillip Lamont (Burton) approaches the possessed South American young woman, who is being restrained by other people around her)

NC (voiceover): The funny thing is, this is just how they get Sarah Silverman to go to church.

(The possessed young woman breaks free from the clutches of the other people)

NC (voiceover): But she breaks loose and decides to turn up the heat.

(The young woman deliberately knocks some lit candles over, standing still and making wailing noises while letting the fire burn her alive)

NC (voiceover): She takes on the form of Jim Carrey, and then we cut to her stunt dummy being burned alive. We then cut to Regan, the possessed girl from the first film, in…Stanley Kubrick’s day care center…where she undergoes counseling sessions from Nurse Ratchet.

Regan: Well, you know why I come here.

Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher): Well, you tell me.

Regan: To make my mom feel better.

Dr. Tuskin: Explain that, would you?

Regan: She feels guilty.

Dr. Tuskin: Why?

Regan: Divorce, her career, away all the time.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, “away all the time.” That’s code for Ellen Burstyn read the script and said…

Regan (from “The Exorcist”): (audio) Fuck me!

Dr. Tuskin: But you keep telling me you don’t remember about that time in Washington.

Regan: I remember being very sick and having nightmares.

Dr. Tuskin: Those bad dreams are still inside you.

Regan: There’s nothing wrong with me.

NC: Lots of girls walk backwards down the stairs on all fours.

NC (voiceover): We then cut to Richard Burton who discusses the uneasiness of examining the death of Father Merrin; four years after his death, but better late than sane.

Cardinal Jaros: Some, and they are close to the pontiff, go so far as to suggest that he was a Satanist. At the end, I mean.

Father Lamont: Perhaps Father Merrin led us astray. Perhaps he took a path that no one could follow.

Cardinal Jaros: Christ is hard to follow, too.

Father Lamont: We were young. Today, wherever I look, I see only evil. God has fallen silent.

NC (voiceover): Well, yeah, that’s what most Catholics think, but you’re not supposed to say it.

Cardinal Jaros: You will conduct the investigation.

NC (voiceover): So he begins his investigation with Regan, as he asks questions about her to Nurse Ratchet.

Dr. Tuskin: I can’t let you question her.

Father Lamont: You have a heavy responsibility: the care of her soul.

Dr. Tuskin: And the care of her mind and her body is my responsibility, Father.

Father Lamont: You realize what you’re up against, don’t you?

Dr. Tuskin: What am I up against, Father?

Father Lamont: Evil. Evil is a spiritual being, alive and living.

NC (voiceover): Well, I’m sure a woman who plainly showed that she’s a person of science and fact would love to go up against (speaks dramatically) EVIL!

Dr. Tuskin: The shock of recall could result in self-punishment.

NC (voiceover): But she does allow him to watch a new psychological experiment tested on her (Regan). Listen to this: the device—or seizure machine, as I like to call it—puts both the subject and the doctor into a deep hypnotic state. This…somehow allows the doctor to go inside her mind and sees what she’s seeing. Okay, maybe in a sci-fi film, this would be interesting. You know, sort of this new technology that doesn’t exist. But in a horror film, especially one that was so grounded in reality as “The Exorcist,” this really seems out of place. Do you think the first film would have worked better with sci-fi technology?

(Cut to a clip from “The Exorcist”)

Father Merrin: I cast you out!

Regan (speaking in the demonic voice of Pazuzu): Fuck him!

Father Merrin: Be gone!

Regan: Fuck him, Karras!

Father Merrin: From this creature of God!

Regan: Fuck him!

NC (voiceover): (as Father Merrin) Very well, set phasers to “crisp.”

(An off-screen laser fires at Regan, setting off an explosion)

(Back to the movie)

(The device blinks a white light repeatedly at Regan, making her appear drowsy and roll her eyes back a bit)

NC (voiceover): (mocks Regan’s drowsy and rolled back eyes by vibrating his vocal cords) Aye-aye-aye-aye! Aye-aye-aye-aye!

Dr. Tuskin: Now, Regan, I want to come down and be with you.

NC (voiceover): So Regan allows Nurse Ratchet into her mind, but it seems like what she’s seeing is too frightening for her heart to take. So Regan breaks the connection—which should probably snap the other woman out of it, but whatever; I didn’t make it—so the priest goes in to try and save her.

Father Lamont: I know where she is. Help me find her. (He volunteers to have himself hooked up to the device)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, the priest! Who has never seen this thing before and has no idea how it works. Why doesn’t the assistant go in or…somebody else who knows what they’re doing but is surprisingly absent! I’m so glad her mental health is so important to you, lady. That must be why nobody else in the building knows what to do if something goes wrong! Protection: Top priority!

Assistant: Relax deeply, watch the light.

NC: Yes, just relax, or else SHE’LL DIE!

NC (voiceover): So Burton sees the image of the exorcism going on while Regan’s…doing the mind meld with her goodies (Regan’s right hand is over Tuskin’s breast area, and NC does a camera close-up on that)…

(The exorcism scene is overlaid over the experiment scene with the Possessed Regan clutching onto Tuskin’s breast area, linking fingers with Regan)

Regan: Father, please, bring her back!

NC (voiceover): Um…this was before the jailsploitation films, right? (An image for the film “Chained Heat” is shown briefly)

Father Lamont: In God’s name!

(From what Lamont sees, Normal Regan and Possessed Regan have pulled back Tuskin’s shirt to reveal her beating heart)

NC (voiceover): But the Priest does manage to save her and get her back to normal. However, another problem occurs when Burton sees the drawing that Regan just did.

Father Lamont: We’ve got to put the fire out.

Dr. Tuskin: Take it easy. It’s probably some post-flashing. It’s an aftereffect of the hypnosis.

Father Lamont: (shifts his eyes while speaking) No, no, no, no. No, you’ve got to help me. We may be too late. We may be too late.

NC (voiceover): Boy, nice shifty-eye acting there, Burton. What, was Boorman holding a laser pen to direct you?

(The clip of Father Lamont talking is shown again, this time with NC adding in a laser dot for Lamont to “follow” his eyes at)

Father Lamont: No, no, no, no. No, you’ve got to help me. We may be too late. We may be too late.

NC (voiceover): So of course, he has to search the entire building for it, or just check the floor he’s conveniently on.

(At a fenced security room, Lamont opens the door as we see that smoke has filled the entire room; however, in the next shot, the room has barely filled up with smoke at all)

NC (voiceover): Huh. A double must have changed the direction of the smoke.

(Lamont pulls out a cardboard box with Regan’s drawings inside it on fire; he proceeds to take a crutch and beats at the fire in hopes of putting it out)

NC (voiceover): So Burton does…pretty much every wrong thing you can do with a fire, thinking he could, in fact, beat it into submission, and thereby, spreading it even further than it already was.

(Holding a fire extinguisher from a distance, Dr. Tuskin looks down on the floor to see Regan’s portrait drawing of Lamont’s face with red feathery flames surrounding him, then looks up at Lamont who is surrounded by the fire (probably a symbolism moment for the movie))

NC (voiceover): I know I should be amazed that Regan’s picture matches reality, but I’m just shocked that he spread the fire so far that it actually reached several feet behind him! Good God! Someone take away his Junior Fireman badge!

(Cut to outside (after the fire is put out) with Lamont speaking with Tuskin)

Father Lamont: The work you’re doing is incredible. Miraculous!

Dr. Tuskin: The machine is simply a device to penetrate pathological states.

Father Lamont: No, you’re talking about therapy. You’re talking about therapy. You don’t realize the enormous importance of your work.

Dr. Tuskin: As much as I enjoy a little recognition, you’re really overstating it.

Father Lamont: That’s not true.

NC: (laughs a bit) Gah. You act like reading a person’s mind is some sort of big deal.

NC (voiceover): So Regan starts having dreams about a little boy in Africa who’s fighting off locusts while something possesses her to climb out on the edge.

(Regan steps out to walk toward the edge of a tall building and stand there, almost about to step off; this scene jumps back and forth a bit with the scene of the African boy fighting off locusts)

NC (voiceover): Oh, and fun fact here, this is not an effect. Apparently, John Boorman actually put Linda Blair on the ledge with no means of catching her. How’d you like to be the guy she landed on if she falls?

(Cut to an imaginary scenario with NC sitting in his chair)

Man #1: (speaks off-screen) Hey, isn’t that Linda Blair?

NC: (as Man #2, looks up) Nah, I think that’s Tatum O’Neal.

Man #1: (speaks off-screen) Nah, nah, look closer.

NC: (as Man #2, looks up again) Oh, yeah, you’re right. Hey, Miss Blair, can I have your autograph—?

(An image of Regan falls from the top of the screen, landing on NC and making him disappear below screen before splattering blood is seen)

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): But Regan’s caretaker comes in to make sure she’s alright.

Regan: (notices Sharon Spencer while tending to a couple white doves on the outdoor deck) Oh, good morning, Sharon.

NC (voiceover): That woman, by the way, is one of the assistants from the first movie, who will serve as Regan’s…not-mother for the rest of the film. She (Sharon) does permit her to play mental flashlight tag again, though, because Lord knows it worked (chuckles) so damn well the first time.

(At the psychiatric institute, Regan and Father Lamont are being hooked up to the biofeedback device, and the white lights beam back and forth respectively before the two of them)

Dr. Tuskin: Regan, do you remember dreaming of Father Merrin?

Regan: Yes.

Dr. Tuskin: Can you see him now?

Regan: Yes.

NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, did I mention that these scenes are UNGODLY SLOW AND BORING? But don’t worry, though; we still have three more like ‘em to sit through.

Father Lamont: Regan?

(In Regan’s vision, we soon cut to a scene in Africa with the camera panning through a village)

NC (voiceover): Boy, Epcot’s Africa isn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be.

Villager (from “The Book of Mormon” musical): (audio, sings) I have maggots in my scrotum!

NC (voiceover): We see the boy Regan dreamt about before was actually a healer, and that the demon tried to possessed him in order to destroy such goodness.

Young Kokumo: (to Father Merrin while swarmed by locusts and becoming possessed) I am Pazuzu!

NC: Okay, you sound more like Eartha Kitt from The Emperor’s New Groove, (an image of Yzma from said movie appears quickly) but whatever. I’ll still try to be scared of you.

Father Lamont: Pazuzu. Pazuzu!

NC (voiceover): And this brings us to one of the biggest problems of the film: The name Pazuzu is not scary! It sounds silly! Very, very silly! And yet, they constantly repeat his name over and over again.

(A montage of different characters throughout the film saying “Pazuzu” is shown)

NC (voiceover): Doesn’t it sort of suck out the fear when your villain is named something so goofy?

(Cut to an imaginary scenario acting out as two priests)

NC Priest #1: Quickly, Father! We must get the holy water and destroy Squishy Puppy!

NC Priest #2: What?

NC Priest #1: Squishy Puppy.

NC Priest #2: Aww, that sounds adorable.

NC Priest #1: No, he’s not! He’s a horrible demon that eats children’s brains! Look! (A Photoshopped image of a possessed person eating brains is shown briefly)

NC Priest #2: Yeah, but when you put the name Squishy Puppy under him, he seems so much cuter.

NC Priest #1: No, he doesn’t! He’s a…

(The same Photoshopped image of the possessed person eating brains is shown again, this time with the caption “Squishy Puppy” under him)

NC Priest #1: Oh, you’re right. Look at that. We should adopt one of those.

(Back to the movie, we hear Pazuzu make a high-pitched noise and repeat it over and over as a dust storm occurs in the Africa scene)

NC (voiceover): So as you can hear, Pazuzu’s not a very good karaoke singer, but he is good at possessing little boys and knocking extras off a mountain.

(An African villager is seen falling down a deep and narrow crevice, bouncing off each side of the crevice to his death)

NC (voiceover): So it seems at the top of the mountain is a holy church…

NC: You might want to switch locations there, guys. (A Photoshopped image of a church at the top of a mountain with a “Welcome” sign at the bottom is shown quickly)

NC (voiceover): …where Father Merrin jump cuts the boy to health.

Father Lamont: (voice only) But Merrin saved him.

Pazuzu: (voice only) Never! I could claim Kokumo even now. I’ll show you power.

Father Lamont: (voice only) He’s still alive! Where is he?

Pazuzu: (voice only) You want me to take you to him?

Father Lamont: (voice only) Yes.

(In the next few shots, we get the camera flying over a river, then chaos going on in a village, then the older Kokumo stepping out to roar like a leopard, and finally a quick shot of a leopard roaring (all while Pazuzu makes odd noises) before we cut back to the real world with Father Lamont standing up in shock)

NC (voiceover): What the hell was that?! I mean, jeesh, could that intro be any more silly? That could be the new logo for the MGM lion.

(The title card for the Metro Goldwyn Mayer logo is shown with footage of Kokumo roaring in place of Leo the Lion (complete with sound effects of Leo roaring))

NC (voiceover): So Burton realizes he has to prepare to travel to Africa to find the exorcized boy who grew up into the man named Kokumo, which gives Regan much more time to interact with the kids at the center.

Sandra: (stutters) I-I’m aut-t-t-tis-tic. I-I c-can’t talk.

Regan: But you’re talking now.

(The girl shakes her head no)

Regan: Yes, you are. I can hear you.

Sandra: W-What’s the matter with you?

Regan: I was possessed by a demon.

NC: (reacts in surprise) Pbbbt! What?!

Regan: Oh, it’s okay. He’s gone.

NC: Oh, that’s okay, then. (Beat) No, actually, I think I’m gonna go back to my first reaction. WHAT?!

NC (voiceover): God, who wrote that line? That was awful! Why would you admit that so casually to a stranger? And a little kid, no less! She’d be scared shitless!

NC: (as Sandra) So, what’s wrong with you?

Regan: I was possessed by a demon.

(NC, still as Sandra, reacts in a scared surprise with his eyes widened and the sound of him loosening his bowels)

Regan: Oh, it’s okay. He’s gone.

(NC, still as Sandra and appearing scared, farts out one last bit of his emptying bowels)

NC (voiceover): So it turns out Regan brought the child’s speech back with her…sporadic psychic powers that she suddenly possesses…which doesn’t make Nurse Ratchet the least bit happy.

Regan: (to Dr. Tuskin) Do you think I could start helping some of your other kids?

Dr. Tuskin: You know, Regan, it’s really very dangerous to fool around with other people’s heads. Please don’t try anything like that again.

NC (voiceover): Yes, just disregard the magical telepathic child and the incredible machine that can READ MINDS! Good God, this woman could downplay a healing Chihuahua if she could! (A Photoshopped image of a Chihuahua’s head superimposed Jesus Christ healing a person (complete with an angel halo) is shown) But Regan wants to find out more about her abilities and talks with Burton in a museum.

Regan: Do priests believe in ESP?

Father Lamont: Some do. In fact, a French priest, Teilhard de Chardin, thought that we’d all come together eventually in some sort of mental telepathy…

NC (voiceover): Well, that’s fascinating.

Father Lamont: …a kind of “world mind”...

NC (voiceover): Uh-huh…

Father Lamont: …in which everybody would share.

NC (voiceover): Interesting…

Father Lamont: Father Merrin himself believed that with modern scientific research it could happen quite soon…

NC (voiceover): Intriguing theory.

Father Lamont: …but if it happens before we’re ready…

NC (voiceover): Uh-huh…

Father Lamont: …we may find ourselves pointing in the wrong direction…

NC (voiceover): Uh-huh…

Father Lamont: …toward Satan.

NC (voiceover): What the fuck?! For God’s sake, you don’t have to work everything back to the devil! Just let a theory be a theory!

NC: (as Father Lamont) Two plus two equals four…which could possibly be Satan! (An image of a man in a devil costume and holding a pitchfork is shown below NC with a dramatic music chord and the sound of a lightning strike)

NC (voiceover): So Burton finally travels to Africa, come across that ridiculously hard-to-reach church, prays to “South Park” Jesus, and even manages to point them to the lost body of where that one servant fell years ago.

African Man: How did he know the body was here?

Father Lamont: He was killed by Pazuzu, a very powerful being.

African Group Leader: Pazuzu?

NC (voiceover): Funny, it looks pretty close to civilization there, and yet nobody ever looked behind that one rock? Did they never smell him at all? Did they think it was just bad African cooking? I’m, uh…uh, a little confused.

African Man: (to Lamont, holding him back from the Group Leader) He will not speak to a devil-worshiper!

Father Lamont: I am not a devil-worshiper! I am not a devil-worshiper!

(Other men in the group start throwing rocks at Lamont)

NC: (as the African Men, pretending to throw a rock at the camera) How dare you solve one of our great mysteries, American Satan!

NC (voiceover): So he calls on the help of a two-minute Ned Beatty cameo to fly him around to see if he can find Kokumo.

(Cut to Father Lamont walking through a city with the sun slightly high in the sky in the background)

NC (voiceover): Aww, what a beautiful sunset; in that it’s literally a sun on a set. I don’t know who they’re fooling with that.

Father Lamont: Help me.

NC (voiceover): So Burton communicates with Regan—again with those handy out-of-nowhere psychic powers—and she leads him to Kokumo’s location, which coincidentally is only three steps away from him! Boy, when it comes to fires or African boys that were possessed by the devil, he always seems to be in the right location!

(Father Lamont approaches Kokumo, who is sitting on a throne)

Father Lamont: I call upon you in the name of Father Lankester Merrin.

NC (voiceover): So we see Kokumo—played by James Earl Jones with a locust Muppet on his head—as he tells Burton that if he wants to speak to him, he must test his faith.

Kokumo: Prove it. Cross over! (Between Lamont and Kokumo is a shallow pool with little sharp spikes) Step out of your despair.

NC (voiceover): So he (Kokumo) spits a tomato onto the spikes…

NC: Makes sense to me. I don’t know what your problem is.

NC (voiceover): …and Burton tries to make it across.

(Lamont ends up stepping into the pool, piercing his foot into the spikes and falls forward, but then we jump cut to him landing on a smooth, hard surface (the floor of a different location))

Kokumo: Can I help you? (He appears in a professional white suit)

Father Lamont: I fell.

Kokumo: (helps Lamont up onto his feet) The heat, perhaps. Come inside; it’s cooler.

Father Lamont: Who are you?

Kokumo: My name is Kokumo.

Father Lamont: Did you ever know Father Lankester Merrin?

NC (voiceover): Let me guess; we’re just TOTALLY GOING TO IGNORE the fact that he fell on top of a bunch of spikes and James Earl Jones was dressed like the kindergarten production of District 9!

Kokumo: Yes!

NC: That’s what I thought. You know, this film raises so many questions that nobody drunk or sober would ever want to answer.

(Kokumo shows Father Lamont around his science lab, walking by cages filled with active grasshoppers)

Kokumo: When it is dry, the grasshoppers go their own way, happy-go-lucky individuals. When a heavy rain hatches them out in large numbers, by then, they crowd together. Their wings brush against each other. The brushing of the wings changes their personality. They become a destructive, voracious, marauding swarm, with a single mind.

NC (voiceover): So he traveled all this way just to discover what he could in a National Geographic, as Regan decides to run away and try to find him in order to continue their psychic link. And wouldn’t you know it? They happen to meet up.

(As Regan and Father Lamont hook up to the biofeedback device, music from “Inception” plays briefly)

Father Lamont: (voice only) Not only Kokumo, but others like him, began to appear in the world. Satan has sent Pazuzu to destroy this goodness.

Father Merrin: (voice only) Phillip, you must take my place. She is precious, and I entrust her to you.

NC (voiceover): So the spirit of Merrin is in Regan—I think—but they need to stop Pazuzu, who is also in Regan…I think. You know, I’m sorry. Didn’t we spend a whole GODDAMN MOVIE TRYING TO GET THE SPIRIT OUT OF HER? How the hell did she end up with two? TWO FUCKING SPIRITS! THAT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO! Instead of taking one out, you put another one in! I think you deserve your money from the collection plate back!

(Cut to Regan and Father Lamont climbing up some stairs to return to her old house in Georgetown)

NC (voiceover): So Burton feels all the answers are at the original house where the first exorcism took place. Ratchet and the caretaker find out about this and get a cab to drive them there as well. There, Burton discovers that the room is…

(Upon opening the door to Regan’s old bedroom, thousands and thousands of locusts come flying out of it)

NC (voiceover): You know, if you like locusts and really slow blinking lights, this movie is probably a godsend to you.

(In the cab Dr. Tuskin and Sharon are riding in, the front windshield suddenly breaks (but doesn’t shatter into pieces), causing the driver to react in surprise and swerve the cab, crashing through the front gate of the house; only Sharon and Dr. Tuskin get out of the car wreck without any serious injuries)

NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I’m sure after a car gets totaled by smashing through a brick wall and a metal gate, I’d walk out with just a scratch on my head, too!

Dr. Tuskin: Sharon, I’ve got to get inside. Let me inside!

(Sharon looks down to see that the fuel line to the car is broken and leaking out gasoline, and she starts to walk closer to it)

Dr. Tuskin: No.

(Sharon steps on the detached but still working headlight that is lying on the spilled gasoline, igniting the gas and setting herself on fire for some reason)

NC (voiceover): In answer to your question, I have no idea why she did that. Maybe the idea is she’s being possessed, too, or maybe she just cracked at some point, I don’t’ know. What I do know is what’s going on inside. Oh, wait, no, I don’t.

(Regan comes across a possessed version of herself and clutches to Father Lamont in fear)

Pazuzu Regan: He’s chosen me. (Her demonic appearance changes to that of normal Regan, but with yellow eyes) Pazuzu’s Regan is the only Regan.

NC (voiceover): (sighs) So I guess there are somehow…two physical Regans now? The Pazuzu one—who’s looking an awful lot like Dwight from “The Office” (An image of said character appears briefly)—and the good one who, for some reason, is having a hard time stopping Burton from acting like a perverted pedophile!

NC: (is a little unnerved) Pazuzu’s more weird than he is scary.

Pazuzu Regan: You must tear out her evil heart.

(After having held onto the real Regan, he lets her go to approach Pazuzu Regan, letting the real Regan slump lifelessly to the floor before getting onto the bed and on top of Pazuzu Regan to attack)

Background Singers (from “The Patty Duke Show”): But they’re cousins, identical cousins all the way.

Pazuzu Regan: (yells in Regan’s normal voice) Pazuzu!

NC (voiceover): So I’ll give you one guess as to what’s coming up next. Either—I swear to God here—more locusts or more blinking lights. Well, seeing how we just encountered the locusts a few seconds ago, I think this calls for…(The real Regan (having woken back up) shields herself away from the window and screams as more locusts fly in)…even more goddamn locusts!

(The real Regan continues to shield herself and scream as Pazuzu Regan gets up to struggle by pushing herself away from Father Lamont)

NC (voiceover): You know, maybe this climax would be more fitting if you were fighting Gozer…but, for an Exorcist movie, this is pretty overdone!

(Father Lamont repeatedly punches at Pazuzu Regan in the chest)

NC (voiceover): So Burton literally punches his way to her heart…

NC: Insert “Kali Ma!” or “Fatality!” joke here. (Images of Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and two fighters from the Mortal Kombat video game are shown on either side of him)

NC (voiceover): …while the Good Regan tries to figure out how to stop the locusts.

(The real Regan stands up to whip her arm about as though using a sling; this shot slightly fades into a scene from Regan’s earlier dream of young Kokumo using a sling to fight against the giant swarm of locusts)

NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s…I’m not gonna lie. I have no idea what this is. Somehow, she’s defeating the locusts like the little boy with the slingshot despite the fact that she has no slingshot, yet she can dissolve them away…

NC: I hear the credits on the way, so I’m just gonna skip over this.

Father Lamont: The enemy of the human race…is subdued.

NC (voiceover): That is, until “Exorcist III,” (a poster for said movie appears briefly) which will somehow involve George C. Scott.

Dr. Tuskin: (to Regan) I understand now. The world won’t.

NC (voiceover): So, only NOW do the people come out to look at the damage—I guess the car crash, constant screaming and house demolished by locusts didn’t wake them up; heavy sleepers!—as Burton and Regan walk into the sunset to live from a world that will never understand them.

NC: Much like how people walked away from this movie because we will never understand it.

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): While it has some neat ideas, the execution of this film is really goofy. For an “Exorcist” sequel, it’s pretty piss-poor, especially when you take into account it’s never scary! Oh, I don’t mean, like, they try to scare you and it fails. I mean, literally, they never even made an effort! There’s no jump scares or scary imagery or anything like that. It’s really weird that way! While it’s nowhere close to one of the worst sequels I’ve ever seen, it’s still pretty bad. It should be brought out if you have a locust fetish or enjoy torturing your retinas. Hey, I know that .0001% is out there somewhere, and I think he directed this fucker!

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and I want to be sure I never go through Nostalgia-Ween again, and I’m willing to go through any ridiculous lengths to make that happen!

(Lifting his fist in the air and mocking Regan from the movie, NC whips it around slowly as though using a sling while footage from the Nostalgia-Ween intro is overlaid briefly over him; the intro soon fades away, and he looks around to see if it worked)

NC: My God. I think it worked. I think I never have to do Nostalgia-Ween again! (He is grateful) Oh, my God! This is incredible! (He looks up skywards) Oh! Oh, thank you, great spirits! Is there anything I can do to repay you?

(A VHS box falls from the top of the screen and lands before NC; cut to the front of the VHS box to reveal the cover for “Doug’s 1st Movie” )

NC: (revolted) OHHHHH—!


Channel Awesome Tagline—Regan: I was possessed by a demon.