July 5, 2010
Will Linkara return? Who are Lord Vyce's footsoldiers? And why in the name of all things sacred did they make a comic about Ewoks?
Iron Liz: I don't know, Mr. Finevoice. All these comics are just awful. Seriously, I don't know how he does this every single week.
Harvey: Look, you really want my advice?
Iron Liz: Sure.
Harvey: (taking the fedora off of Iron Liz's head) Stop trying to review stuff like the kid would do it. (tosses fedora aside) You gotta be you. You gotta do what you've gotta do. Well, now, what was he gonna review this week?
Iron Liz: (looking at a script) Um, well, looks like it says, (reading) "Spider-Man: One More Day. I'm giving in to the peer pressure."
Harvey: (grabbing the script and throwing it aside) Forget about it! What do you want to review?
(Suddenly, Iron Liz brightens up and holds up another comic to the camera: "Ewoks #9")
Iron Liz: "Ewoks"!
(Title sequence plays, followed by title card, which is set to the theme to the Ewoks cartoon show)
Iron Liz: Iron Liz here, and hey, I got something to say...
(Footage of the Ewoks from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi is shown)
Iron Liz (v/o): Ah, yes, the Ewoks. Such a shallow attempt to sell toys. Remember when Return of the Jedi was considered the bad one, and how implausible it was that the Teddy Bears' Picnic defeat an entire legion of the Empire's best troops?
(Footage of a spinoff movie, Ewoks: The Battle For Endor is shown)
Iron Liz (v/o): Well, in George Lucas' great spirit of milking his creations for everything they're worth, the early '80s provided more disgusting Ewok merchandise for children to buy. This included a few Ewok movies called The Ewok Adventure and The Battle For Endor. A cartoon was even created about the Ewoks.
(The title sequence for that show is shown, whose song is sung in a very distorted voice that is too incomprehensible to make out, but it is pretty creepy; Iron Liz and Harvey are both stunned)
Iron Liz: That song will haunt my nightmares.
(Cut to a closeup of the cover of "Ewoks #9")
Iron Liz (v/o): Let's take our first look at George Lucas' madness by examining the cover, because this just screams Star Wars, doesn't it? Did the creators of this comic even know what an Ewok was? (reads text on cover) "Travel to the underside of Endor and discover the UNDERSEA KINGDOM!"*
- NOTE: It's actually "UNDERWATER KINGDOM". Also, "discover" is not actually written on the cover.
(Cut to the MST3K gang watching The Undersea Kingdom)
Joel and the Bots: (singing) It's the Undersea Kingdom for you and for me!
Iron Liz (v/o): It's also really unsettling that Wicket here looks like Richie Rich if he got turned into a teddy bear. Why does this illustration have monkey feet and a yellow head scarf? This is the best cartoon they could come up with from their live version? (the comic opens to the first page) So this Ewok excrement begins with a bit of explanation.
Narrator: A voyage across Sunshine Lake on the tiny moon of Endor usually presents no problem at all! No problem, that is, as long as any Ewok stays on the surface!
Harvey: If they don't, then we got a problem.
Wicket: Teebo, please!
Iron Liz: Teebo the Ewok, ladies and gentlemen!
Harvey: Personally, I use my Teebo (pun on "TiVo") to record General Hospital when I'm not home.
Iron Liz (v/o): Well, in all fairness, Teebo is a character that really only appears in the comics. But who is this character exactly? Well, the best I can give you is the description of Wicket's published bio.
(Iron Liz holds up a copy of "Star Wars: The Essential Guide To Characters")
Iron Liz: And I'm quoting here... (reads) "Wicket has always shown a curiosity to explore the unknown, which has resulted in many adventures shared with his brothers, his friends Teebo, Logray, Paploo, Latara, and Malani, and of course his best friend, Princess Kneesa." (drops book in frustration) If you really care about any of these characters, I'd just look up the animated show. But since we're not dealing with that kind of idiocy, let's just continue on.
Wicket: We shouldn't even be sailing in this part of the lake!
Iron Liz: Doesn't sailing usually involve, I don't know, a sail?!
Iron Liz (v/o): So Teebo dives in and finds a shell that contains a large blue pearl.
Teebo: WAHOO! WE'RE RICH!!
Iron Liz: So... what exactly is the currency exchange among forest-dwelling teddy bears?
Iron Liz (v/o): Before they can celebrate, a giant sea serpent knocks over their boat. They survive the attack, but Teebo rapidly starts sinking. Guess those pearls must be made of lead if he's sinking this fast. So Wicket swims down after him, but starts to pass out, thanks to the lack of breath.
(Suddenly, there is an explosion that rocks the area, throwing Liz and Harvey off balance!)
Harvey: What in the name of God and His forbidden past was that?!?
Pollo: The process to bring Linkara back has begun. Come quickly.
(Liz and Harvey run out into the kitchen, where Pollo is seated at the table)
Iron Liz: Have you got Linkara back?
Pollo: Not exactly.
Harvey: Spill the beans, baby blue!
Pollo: I can't get an exact lock on Linkara. It's too well-shielded. However, I can beam up anything in the room that's about his size in one large burst.
Harvey: (to Liz) I think that means we're expecting company!
Iron Liz: (holding up two swords) Arm yourselves!
Harvey: (holding up a Tommy gun) Way ahead of you, Iron!
(Suddenly, Linkara is teleported into the room, along with numerous black-cloaked beings. One of them hisses at Liz and Harvey, who run toward these creatures, Harvey putting his cigarette in his mouth as does so. He opens fire on one creature with his Tommy gun, but it seems to have no effect on the creature as it advances on him. But when it gets close enough to him, Harvey simply punches out the creature. One creature runs at Pollo, who zaps it with a red laser blast, while two other creatures stand before Iron Liz)
Iron Liz: I'd like you to meet my two friends, (holds up the swords) Twinkle and Icing Death!
(She slashes at the creatures with her swords, while Harvey continues to beat up the creature stalking him. Then Linkara groggily gets to his feet)
Linkara: (clutching his head and groaning) No, Tandy Computers, I won't buy your stupid products...
(Looking around, he becomes aware of where he is and what's going on. He then runs off to help Liz, who is trying to fend off the creature she's fighting with her sword; this creature has a hold of her sword and is trying to push back hard. Linkara punches out another creature in his way, then continues toward the creature battling Liz, who is knocked to the ground by it. It starts to raise her sword in the air to finish her off, but Linkara runs up behind it)
Linkara: (tapping the creature on the shoulder) Excuse me, I'm distracting you so she can stab you.
(Sure enough, Liz stabs the creature with her other sword, knocking it down. Linkara helps her up, and they hug. Then she gives him his Morphin' Button)
Iron Liz: Here, you'll need this.
Linkara: Ah, good. (holds out button) It's Morphin' Time! (his coat appears on his person)
Iron Liz: Nice to see you again.
Linkara: Naturally; it's always nice to see me.
Iron Liz: What are these things?
Linkara: Lord Vyce's foot soldiers. They're called "Shades".
Iron Liz: Cool, let's kick their asses!
Linkara: Oh, it gets better. (takes out his scanner and runs it over one of the Shades; it makes a loud buzzing sound) They're robots!
Iron Liz: Cool! That means they can blow up!
Linkara: (excitedly) I know!
(The Shades fire energy blasts at Linkara and Liz; Liz blocks the attack with her sword, while Linkara pulls out his magic gun and fires. Liz starts beating up the Shades, while Linkara continues to shoot his gun at them. Eventually, they start falling over, and soon, only one is left standing. Linkara shoots at this one, and it explodes, covering the screen with a bright flash of light that obscures everything briefly. Linkara and Liz walk out into the kitchen, relieved that all of that is over)
Linkara: Boy, the...
Harvey: (putting his cigarette in his mouth) Good to have you back, kid.
Linkara: Good to be back. That's three days I'd rather not repeat.
Iron Liz: Three days? You were gone a month!
Linkara: (confused) What?
Pollo: You're both right. Apparently, time moves at a different pace in the universe you were being held in. Well, the important thing is, I'm back, we kick ass, and I'm looking forward to a nice long vacation.
(Linkara and Liz start to high-five each other, and the screen freezes – or rather, they just freeze in that pose – as the end credits start rolling. Suddenly, they stop, as if they just realized something)
Iron Liz: Wait, wait, wait, aren't we forgetting something? (Linkara looks away in thought) The review! (they run out of the room)
Harvey: (chuckles, to Pollo) I think those kids are gonna be okay.
Pollo: Do you ever actually light that cigarette?
Harvey: Shut up.
(Linkara and Liz run over to the futon and sit back down, panting for breath; Linkara dusts off his coat)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the–
Iron Liz: No, no, I already did that.
Linkara: Oh. Where are we and what are we doing?
Iron Liz: We're already halfway through the "Ewoks #9" comic.
Linkara: (confused) An Ewoks comic?
Iron Liz: Aw, just roll with it.
(Linkara shrugs, and the comic review resumes)
Iron Liz (v/o): But then, a mysterious purple-scaled arm that magically turns green in the next shot drags Wicket into an underground cave where he can breathe again. Of course, Teebo is already there and fine after nearly drowning to death.
Iron Liz: Uh-oh, I feel some whimsy coming on! (she and Linkara smile exaggeratedly)
Linkara (v/o): It turns out Wicket and Teebo were saved by the fish clones of Casper the Friendly Ghost, who also happen to speak the same language and have the same type of pearls Teebo was after. Why, this is certainly convenient! By the way, I can only imagine how bad this cave must stink; rotting fish mixed with wet teddy bear.
Iron Liz (v/o): They make their introductions, and we learn that the fish person... Seriously, the fish people are never given a name; that's how unimportant they are... who saved them is named Squik. So now we have Wicket, Teebo and Squik. Ugh, this is like a book for rejected Dr. Seuss characters. Two Ewoks notice that the cavern is filled with glowing pearls, and Squik notices them, eyeing the orbs.
Squik: Heh heh! I see you've taken a shine to our pearls!
(Ed McMahon is heard saying, "Hiyoooo!")
Linkara (v/o): Squik offers one to the Ewoks, causing Teebo to suddenly start floating. Weird. When Teebo says that he never realized how easy it would be to make a fortune, the fish people to start laughing. Squik takes the pearl and cuts it up...
(Editor's note: "That's one heck of a strong knife.")
Linkara (v/o): ...explaining that the pearls are in fact their main source of food. Of course, the Ewoks are unable to bite into them and Squik decides to show them their most prized possession: a red pearl that causes the other pearls to grow from the rocks.
Linkara: I'm hoping that just takes a dark turn when we learn that the pearls are radioactive and the fish people are mutants bent on world domination.
Iron Liz (v/o): But before they can ask anything else, something starts bubbling up from the water, and they have to hide the pearl. It turns out to be a Creature from the Black Lagoon-type monster... thing... riding on a sea serpent.
Squik: It's Orcon!
Iron Liz (v/o): Heh, sounds like a World of Warcraft convention.
Teebo: Who's Orcon?
Squik: An evil tyrant who has only one thing in mind!
Linkara: Real estate development?
Iron Liz: Sex on the first date?
Linkara (v/o): Also, his sea serpent can shoot lasers. Squik tells the two that they surrender their food pearls to Orcon whenever he shows up, but Teebo is angered by this and storms off to confront Orcon.
Iron Liz: Uh-oh, shit just got real! Teebo is gonna come and mess you up!
Linkara (v/o): The Ewoks try to convince Orcon not to take so much of the food, but instead, he decides to just have his sea serpent's lasers go into rapid fire. We also learn that he controls the serpent with his trident, thanks to the expositional cries of Squik. Thanks for getting that plot point out of the way. Orcon sees the red pearl and grabs it.
Orcon: Its power will make me invincible!
(Cut to a clip of Goldeneye, showing Boris Grishenko)
Boris: Yes! I am invincible!
(Cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Wicket once again tries to intervene, saying that the fish people will die without the red pearl, but Orcon doesn't care.
Orcon: Heh heh! My heart is breaking!
Linkara: (pointing to camera) And he'd like to arrange see you again.
Iron Liz (v/o): Wicket promises the fish people that they'll help get the pearl back and spots some bubble-shaped plants that weren't there a minute ago. Hollowing out the plants, they shove them on their heads so that they can act as air helmets. That doesn't even begin to make sense, but let's just try not to question these things. Squik summons up some giant seahorses for the Ewoks to ride as they storm Orcon's underwater fortress.
Iron Liz: Just imagine being Orcon and seeing the horrifying might of two teddy bears on seahorses coming right at you!
(She and Linkara both laugh, but then Liz is startled to see a teddy bear on the couch with them that wasn't there a second ago)
Iron Liz: How– How did it–
Linkara: (holding up hand) It's best not to ask; it's just what the bear does.
Linkara (v/o): They sneak past the sea serpent, who is supposedly sleeping, but I think he looks stoned, and find Orcon monologuing to himself. However, they then proceed to LOUDLY announce their presence and charge right at Orcon, knocking him off of his feet despite seeing them coming. WORST TYRANT EVER. They get the pearl back and start running away, but Orcon summons his laser-shooting sea serpent. The three make a hasty plan to get the trident away from Orcon, but he spots their attempt at distracting him right away. In order to save the Ewoks, Squik tosses the red pearl at Orcon, the sea serpent blasting it to protect its master. With Orcon even more distracted by the loss of the pearl, the Ewoks get the trident away and take control of the sea serpent.
Iron Liz (v/o): Naturally, while the sea serpent starts Orcon, they decide to just leave the trident in the cave and return to the other fish people. However, on the way, they discover the blue pearl that started this whole mess and bring it back to them. To their surprise, the blue pearl is even more radioactive than the red one, making the food pearls glow even brighter.
Iron Liz: Let's celebrate with some traditional Ewok music!
(To the tune of the Ewok celebration music from the end of Return of the Jedi, Liz dances with a silly expression on her face while Linkara looks on, confused)
Linkara (v/o): And so, the comic ends with Squik giving the two a food pearl as thanks for helping them stop Orcon, but Teebo says...
Teebo: Thanks. But no, thanks! I think I've had all the pearls I can stomach for one day!!
(The "wah-wah" trumpet sound plays in response)
Linkara: (exaggeratedly) Say, Iron Liz!
Iron Liz: (also exaggeratedly) Yes, Linkara?
Linkara: How does an Ewok cross the road?
Iron Liz: I don't know! How does an Ewok cross the road?
Linkara: He (the following word pops up...) E-Walks!
(A rimshot is heard, and Liz laughs sarcastically, then her expression turns sour)
Linkara: (angrily holding up comic) This comic sucks!
Iron Liz (v/o): Admittedly, it's for little kids, but why should that be an excuse for subpar storytelling, no characterization outside of the Care Bear rejects, and the action is about as satisfying as...
(Cut to a clip of the battle in Return of the Jedi between the Ewoks and Imperial Stormtroopers)
Iron Liz (v/o): ...the last time were engaged in any form of military action.
Linkara: So, I don't suppose you'd like to stick around and, I dunno, review a couple of things while I get caught up, would you?
Iron Liz: Nah, to be honest, comics were really aren't my thing. I prefer RPGs! (winks)
(The website for Iron Liz's Pen and Paper RPG Reviews appears)
Linkara: How did you make the text appear like that?
Iron Liz: How did you it with the Ewoks joke?
Linkara: Ah, touche. (puts down comic, and they both get up and leave)
(End credits roll)
Squik later became a lecturer and writer about the dangers of eating contaminated food.
Teebo started his own line of anger-management books and tapes.
Senator Wicket currently lives comfortably inside of a tree on the forest moon of Endor after having completed two tours of duty as the field commander of the Ewok Militia.
(Stinger: A closeup of Lord Vyce's hand)
Lord Vyce: Report, my Shade. (Shade is heard hissing) So this world's champion has escaped. No matter. The Entity has fled to his universe, and so I set my gaze upon it. And all that I see, (pounds fist on chair) I conquer.