February 06, 2012
(Andrew Dickman walks into the living room, holding a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal.)
Andrew: (laughing) Hiring Barney was the best idea ever. (He looks to his right and notices a sheet of paper. He sets the box down and picks up the paper.) What the heck is this? Why, it seems to be pointing east.
(On the paper are written the words “go that way” with an arrow pointing to the right.)
Andrew: Well, I’m not gonna deny a random piece of paper what to do, so…sorry, Fruity Pebbles. I’m off to the east.
(The theme from Indiana Jones plays as Andrew gets up and walks offscreen. A plane flying across the oceans is shown. The route is marked in red, with the destination labeled “Maryland”. The scene then transitions to Andrew walking down a hallway. He looks at the paper, then walks off in the direction in which he points. When he approaches a door, he knocks, and Phelous answers it.)
Andrew: Don’t -- don’t I work for you?
Phelous: It took you long enough. Get in. We need to talk.
(Phelous directs Andrew into the room and closes the door behind him.)
Andrew: Look, is this about that Octopus title card? Because I followed your directions to the letter. And I swear every word that you said... (Phelous shoves a DVD in his face.) What is this?
Phelous: It’s a movie I found for you to review.
Andrew: Wait, wait. That’s it? You had me walk thousands of miles across the country just to give me something you could’ve easily mailed me?
Phelous: Look, title card man. You showed me this movie, and then I’m pretending I’m showing you this movie so that we can review it on your old cartoonily doobity doo show.
Andrew: You really do take the magic out of these things, don’t you?
Phelous: Okay, okay. If it’ll make you feel better, we'll review it together.
Andrew: Really? You wanna do a review together? Oh, yes! Oh, man! You have no idea how awesome this is! I mean, I don’t know what this is, but...this is gonna be awesome!
Phelous: Yeah, this is gonna be totally awesome.
(The opening credits for Animated Anarchy roll, and then the scene transitions to the title card. The song “Play with Me” by the Thompson Twins plays in the background. Clips from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Anchors Aweigh, and the trailer for Cool World are shown.)
Andrew (vo): In 1988, the awe-inspiring film of Who Framed Roger Rabbit hit theaters, widening the range of movie magic pitting traditional animation with live action actors. Though this kind of pairing has been seen before, it certainly tended to perfect its craft with its incredible storytelling and rather more mature themed situations certainly broadened the audience to an animated scene.
Phelous (vo): Of course, when something is good, there also has to be some studio out there that completely misses the point and just ends up copying the idea to make a quick buck instead of focusing on, oh, I don’t know, the story or something.
(The movie’s title card then comes up.)
Andrew (vo): Enter… *groans* Evil Toons, a movie shot in literally eight days using a film crew from another production.
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: So, hey, we’re gonna be watching the thrilling 20th Anniversary Edition that came out in 2010.
Phelous: Which is kinda funny, as this movie originally came out in 1992.
Andrew: Yeah. So maybe we’ll see the 25th Anniversary Platinum Special Collector’s Edition some time next year.
Phelous: You'd better preorder soon, before it goes back in the vault. (vo) We start off with a quote from the director, stating that this movie is based on a true story and everything that happens in it is really true!
(The film opens with a quote from the director, Fred Olen Ray. “The story you are about to see is true. Nothing has been changed. These are the actual people who lived this great adventure and this is exactly the way it really happened. I truly believe this.” We then cut to a segment from Criswell’s opening narration from Plan 9 from Outer Space.)
Criswell: And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
Andrew (vo): Enter David Carradine (Gideon Fisk), who is apparently holding the Necronomicon of Jiminy Cricket.
Spell Book (Fred Olen Ray): Remember, in times of trouble, let your conscience be your guide.
(Gideon Fisk stands on a chair and places his head through the loop of a noose. Then he proceeds to commit suicide by hanging himself.)
Phelous (vo): So what purpose does Carradine (Fisk) have in this? Apparently nothing, since he hangs himself within the first two minutes of it with no explanation whatsoever.
Spell Book: I never knew you were one to jump to conclusions.
(A shot from The Office is shown, with Steve Carell's character Michael Scott playing a drum set. Then cut back to the shot of Fisk hanging himself.)
Phelous (vo): We can only assume that, by killing himself, he also killed the talking book.
Andrew (vo): Well, we got that obligatory celebrity name out of the way, so we quickly introduce our next victim--er, or I mean, celebrity name, Dick Miller, who plays some sort of…paint…business…guy. Either way, he’s just an introduction to our real main heroes, the Sexy Co-Eds, which consist of Terry (Suzanne Ager), the slutty one, Roxanne (Madison Stone), the slutty one, Jan (Barbara Dare), the slutty one, and Megan (Monique Gabrielle), the nerdy one.
Burt (Dick Miller): Now you girls understand the deal, right? I drop you off, you clean up the house real good for the new owners, I pick you up Monday morning, and you each get a hundred bucks.
Andrew (vo): They’re here to clean up this haunted house, for some reason. But really, we know why they’re here.
(As the girls bend over, the camera focuses on their rears. The scene then changes to Burt clearly watching them. The words “STOP! DICK MILLER WITH CIGAR CREEPINESS OVERLOAD!” flash on screen.)
Burt: Just sign here, saying that you understand the game, and I can get the hell outta here.
Phelous (vo): Oh, nice of them to keep the chat where Dick Miller gets his paycheck for the role.
Megan: What was that stuff you were saying about the new owners disappearing?
Terry: This house has a long history of mayhem and madness. Pretty strange and unusual and weird things have happened here.
(A shot of Fred from the original Scooby Doo cartoon is shown.)
Fred: Well, gang, it looks like we’re up to our armor plates in another mystery.
Phelous (vo): Well, forget that! Nerd girl suddenly meets up with creepy old neighbor (Mr. Hinchlow) who you would think is going to kill them all in the end. But nope, he just shows up here and at the end for no reason other than to be the snooping neighbor.
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: Arte Johnson? The guy from Laugh-In? Well, it’s a little weird, considering he’s probably the “least perverted” acting character in this.
Phelous: Probably just took the job to broaden his acting career. (vo) Once again, forget him, because now it’s time for the young, beautiful Co-Eds to start cleaning up the basement.
Roxanne: Why do these things always have to start with beautiful co-eds going into the basement?
(Footage from Sally Cruikshank’s animated short Face Like a Frog is shown.)
Lizard: ♫ You can tell a dirty story in the old conservatory, but don’t go in the basement! You can make a scene on the mezzanine, but don’t go in the basement! ♫
Andrew (vo): Inside, they open up a chest that practically states that they shouldn’t open it, only to find it contains a human skull and a dagger. But that means nothing for now, so it’s nighttime, complete with thunder and lightning.
Megan: Well, I think it’s standard issue.
Phelous (vo): David Carradine (Fisk) shows up again, proving that hanging yourself gives you special come-back-to-life-with-lightning powers! And…he has the book he destroyed in the beginning…WHAT???
Terry: Have you guys seen Rox?
Andrew (vo): (mimicking Jan) “Wait, you mean, like those things that are made of stone and stuff?” So, I'm guessing in their job description, they’re being paid to just meander about the house, rearrange basement assortments, clean nothing, and spend the night in it? Or does that also include the parts where they take their tops off?
(Phelous and Andrew start gawking in awe as Roxanne starts removing her clothing while moving along to a song on the radio. She then removes her top, and a black bar with the word “OMG” appears in front of her breasts. Obscurus Lupa suddenly appears behind Phelous and Andrew as the music suddenly scratches off.)
Obscurus Lupa: What are you guys doing?
Phelous and Andrew: Uh…nothing…
(Lupa slaps Phelous upside the head as a cartoon “bonk” sound effect is inserted.)
Obscurus Lupa: I don’t want you hanging out with that artist anymore! He’s a bad influence.
Andrew: (shrugs) I’m sure it won’t happen again?
(The scene changes to Megan looking at herself in a mirror. A black bar with the word “OOPS” appears in front of her breasts as she takes her top down.)
Andrew (vo): Oh, come on!!!
Phelous (vo): Anyway, Carradine (Fisk) comes in to give the girls a package, which just so happens to be the evil Necronomicon from the beginning…WHY??? Mmm…
Gideon Fisk: Delivery.
Terry: Uh…sure. Do I need to sign anything?
(Fisk just steps out into the darkness as the scene cuts back to Phelous and Andrew.)
(The scene cuts back to the film with Fisk watching from the shadows.)
Waylon Jeepers (vo): You want to see something strange and mystical?
(A clip from the Freakazoid episode “Dance of Doom” is shown.)
Andrew (vo): They take a look inside the devil’s sketchbook, which was probably drawn by the guy who made the mascot for a high school football team.
Phelous (vo): And speaking of football, apparently Dumb-as-Rocks (Roxanne) has a boyfriend coming over, so the other girls get ready for bed, and… (Jan starts peeling off her clothes, and a black bar with the word “again” appears in front of her breasts.) Damn it!
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: Yet again! More boob shots! ’Cuz that’s obviously more interesting than a cartoon coming out of a demonic book! I swear, this movie has more exposed breasts than a Benny Hill sketch!
Phelous: (softly) Benny Hill sketch?
Andrew: (softly) I couldn’t come up with anything better. Sorry.
Phelous: (softly) Clearly.
(Phelous glances to one side to find SadPanda standing in the hallway. The words “Insert Cameo Here” appear on screen while 8-bit music plays.)
Phelous: Cinema Snob??? What are you doing here???
(Classical music plays as Andrew taps Phelous on the shoulder.)
Andrew: (softly) That’s not Cinema Snob.
Phelous: Yeah, but you wrote that he comes in next.
Andrew: I thought he was coming to MAGFest. Okay, hold on.
(Andrew dials a number into his cell phone. There is a flash of light, and we are transported to the Cinema Snob sitting in his chair.)
Cinema Snob: Excuse me? I think I’ve seen enough. With all the black boxes you’re using in this review so far, you’re getting dangerously close to my territory.
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous. Andrew gestures toward the camera.)
Phelous: Oh. Cinema Brad? What are you doing…at your own place?
Andrew: Wow. Cinema Snob. *stammers* Uh…you know, this isn’t exactly a porno, but, uh…do you wanna review Once Upon a Girl with me?
Phelous: We’re in the middle of our Evil Toons review!
Andrew: *groans* Yeah, but this movie sucks!
Phelous: It’s supposed to suck! You review crappy animated films!
Andrew: But there’s barely any animation in this!
Cinema Snob: Hel-lo! As much as I would love to stay and listen to you two bicker about this crap, I’ve got more important things to do, like watching this copy of…The Astro-Zombies? I already watched this!!!
Andrew: Wait! Cinema Snob! Are we still on for that crossover? *sighs* Crap. (to Phelous) Where were we?
Phelous: (softly) Whatever.
(Cut back to the film. Fisk is still observing while obscured in the shadows. Roxanne, in the meantime, prepares to get a wine bottle from a paper bag.)
Andrew (vo): I don’t know about you, but it seems awkward to be watching a girl getting ready for her “night of passion” when we can see a portrait of Jesus right behind her.
(Roxanne tries to open the bottle with no luck.)
Andrew and Phelous: IT’S A TWIST-OFF CAP!!!
(Cut back to the film. Roxanne is still struggling to get the bottle open.)
Phelous (vo): You would think she would at least know simple tasks like opening up a bottle!
Andrew (vo): Well, on the upside, you wouldn’t have to worry about any child-proof caps on your medicine around her.
Phelous (vo): After Chaos D1 knows how long, the picture in the book suddenly transforms into the cartoon character through…the power of David Carradine (Fisk) looking through the window? I don’t know.
Andrew (vo): Ugh! Sweet Magilla! Thirty minutes in, we finally have our animated portion of the movie. *groans* It’s a shame it has to look like the retarded cousin of the Tasmanian Devil on steroids.
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: That’s it? This is the animation you were talking about? This is the reason you made me come all the way over here to review this movie? This is the animated… (Phelous shoves the DVD case in Andrew’s face.)
Phelous: Yeah. It’s crappy, isn’t it?
Phelous: Mission accomplished. (He throws away the DVD case.)
(Cut back to the film. The Toon monster is staring at Roxanne with a look of anticipation.)
Andrew (vo): *groans* With this disappointing animation, I can’t help but pine for the mastery works of Tex Avery.
(A clip from Red Hot Riding Hood plays. Wolfie, Avery’s cartoon wolf, goes crazy with desire as he watches Red perform on stage.)
Red: ♫ Hey, Daddy… I want a diamond ring, some bracelets, everything… Daddy, you better get the best for me… Hey, Daddy… ♫
(Roxanne screams in terror as the monstrous Toon advances on her. The monster gets on top of her and licks her with its tongue. A black bar with the word “uhhh…” appears when her top comes undone. Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: Uhhh…don’t you have this, like, thing you usually do for parts like this?
Phelous: Oh, right.
(Phelous holds up his finger as a trumpet sound effect plays. Cut back to the film. The Toon monster has dealt with Roxanne accordingly, and is now covered in blood.)
Andrew (vo): Well, I certainly hope you found that riveting, because that’s it. That’s all you’re gonna get outta this stupid drawing, because immediately afterwards, to obviously save on animation, the Demon Dog turns into Roxie right after he kills her. *beat* Charming.
Megan: What are you doing? We heard screams and now you’re here naked and covered in blood. Are you okay?
Toon Monster: (as Roxanne) I cut myself opening a bottle of wine.
Phelous (vo): (mimicking Megan) “Well, that’s all I needed. If I know you, you’re always having problems opening a bottle.”
(After Megan heads upstairs, the lightning flashes, showing right through the Toon Monster’s disguise. At that moment, Roxanne’s boyfriend Biff, played by Don Dowe, enters the house.)
Andrew (vo): Well, quickly after that, Rox’s boyfriend Ron Fizzlebeef (Biff) shows up, and…
Phelous (vo): AND HE DIES!
(The Monster then proceeds to murder Biff by sinking its teeth into his neck.)
Andrew (vo): Thanks for showing up. your paycheck is at the door.
Rockwell: ♫ I always feel like somebody’s watching me, and I have no privacy. Oh, oh. ♫
Toon Monster: (real voice) Alive again.
(We then cut to Burt, smoking a cigar and watching a scene from Roger Corman’s A Bucket of Blood, which happens to be another of Dick Miller’s starring roles -- in this case, Walter Paisley.)
Andrew (vo): Suddenly, Dick Miller (Burt), watching a movie that he was in. How…meta.
Phelous (vo): Puh-lease, Artist Drew, like you know what “meta” is.
Burt: You know, one of those girls is a contortionist.
(A garbled voice comes from the other end of the phone.)
Andrew (vo): He gets a very mumbly phone call from, I’m guessing, Arte Johnson, telling him to get to the house, pronto, to be the next victim…er, I mean…check up on things.
Burt: How come this guy never won an academy award?
Phelous (vo): Probably because he accepted being in crap like this movie.
(A scene from Gremlins 2: The New Batch is shown. The following text appears on screen: “For your consideration, Dick Miller for Best Actor in this scene from Gremlins 2.” Then we cut back to the movie, where Burt is seen knocking on the front door of the house.)
Burt: C’mon, girls. Open up. It’s me, Burt.
Terry: We’ve gotta hide this body!
Andrew (vo): ’Cuz, you know, when you find a dead body, make sure not to tell anyone who might be able to help, and just hide it. It’ll fix itself by morning.
Burt: Hey, chickies, c’mon! I’m catching my death out here.
Phelous (vo): While Drunk Miller waits for the girls to get rid of the corpse, Evil Rox picks him up and takes him to the basement for a surprise killer bow job!
(Suddenly, the killer Toon reveals his sharp teeth and bites off Burt’s penis. Burt screams in agony. The scene cuts to a clip from an episode of Knightmare, with Treguard and a bunch of other guys.)
Treguard (Hugo Myatt): Ooh…nasty.
Andrew (vo): I think it’s safe to say that the boob-to-death ratio is severely unbalanced. The girls head over to the basement themselves as they try to figure out what’s going on, only to find out that Mr. Burt is, of course, dead…with a head wound caused by his…blow job.
(Terry is seen panicking after catching sight of Burt’s corpse. Fisk is still watching, of course, and conceals himself behind a tree.)
Phelous (vo): Meanwhile, David Carradine (Fisk) watches on!
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: You know, I may be looking too deeply into this, but whenever David Carradine (Fisk) has shown up, a person has died.
Phelous: Everyone, watch out! If David Carradine (Fisk) shows up outside your place, you could be next!
(Andrew puts his hands on his cheeks as the scene cuts to SadPanda standing in the hallway.)
SadPanda: Still not.
Phelous: No, behind Cinema Snob over there.
(Andrew’s mouth drops open as Phelous points offscreen. Film Brain suddenly appears around the corner, dressed in a hat and trench coat as music from Young Frankenstein plays in the background.)
Film Brain: HI, GUYS!
(Andrew and Phelous let out a scream of terror. Cut back to the film.)
Andrew (vo): So Arte Johnson (Mr. Hinchlow) shows, up, only to turn into evil possessed Roxanne.
Phelous (vo): BECAUSE HE DIES!!!
Andrew (vo): Slutty McCurly-Hair (Terry) tries to save the day…
Phelous (vo): AND SHE DIES!!!
Andrew (vo): Slutty McOther-Curly-Hair (Jan)?
Phelous (vo): THEY ALL DIE!!! …Well, except for Nerdy Girl (Megan).
(Jan is seen struggling with the Toon monster while Terry drags Megan off with her.)
Phelous: What is this? They just run out of there… *gibberish*
(Phelous suddenly sputters and collapses on the bed.)
Andrew: You okay? Oh, crap.
(Andrew then gets up and walks off camera. After he leaves, SadPanda enters the room.)
SadPanda: Still not the Cinema Brad.
Toon Monster: (real voice) Meg was right.
Andrew (vo): *muttering* A wild David Carradine (Fisk) appears…again. This time, he’s finally doing something!
Fisk: But this time, I’m going to erase you once and for all.
Phelous (vo): So, wait a minute? He comes in, stabs the girl (Roxanne), who turns back into the cartoon wolf…demon…thing, Nerdy Girl (Megan) tosses the book into the fire, ultimately destroying the killer cartoon? Why couldn’t he have done this in the first place???
Spell Book: You little bitch! I’ll get you in the sequel for this!
Phelous (vo): You'd think if it was that easy, instead of hanging himself at the beginning or watching five people get murdered in the course of a day, he could’ve just gotten a knife, stabbed ’em, and made a fire, it would’ve saved us all an hour and a half of stupidity!
Andrew (vo): Damn, or even more nails in the migraine… What, she’s alive again? Oh, wait. I see what they’re doing here. There’s gonna be this big twist ending where she shows up coming back to life because, you know, he said, “I’ll get you in the sequel!” And…wait, everyone’s alive now?
(After Fisk’s departure, everyone killed by the Toon monster has been revived. Mr. Hinchlow stops over with a portable television set.)
Mr. Hinchlow: Well, it’s Saturday morning. Don’t tell me you kids don’t enjoy a good cartoon!
(At the mention of the word “cartoon”, Megan screams in terror. The movie ends, and we cut back to Andrew and Phelous. Phelous once again shoves the DVD cover in Andrew’s face.)
Phelous: So, Artist Drew, that was Evil Toons. What do you think?
(Andrew takes the DVD cover out of his face and looks at it. He doesn’t seem the least bit satisfied.)
Andrew: I will light this movie on fire.
(Phelous give a thumbs up. Clips from the movie play as Andrew proceeds to give his final thoughts.)
Andrew (vo): For something called Evil Toons, there were NO TOONS IN IT! They just stole a concept and just sloppily put together a crappy “B for boob” movie. There was no effort in the literal one accumulated minute of animation, and the celebrities were more shooed in and pointless than a Dreamworks billboard! This is even more of a travesty than calling motion capture an “animated production”!
(Cut back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: There wasn’t even enough animation in this, so it was a complete waste of my time!!!
Phelous: And I didn’t like it either. (waves) BYE!!!
(The credits start to roll with SadPanda singing “Oh Phelous”, but they abruptly come to a halt as a record scratch sound is played and the scene cuts back to Andrew and Phelous.)
Andrew: Oh no, you don’t! I’m gonna get you back for this, someday when you least expect it. And when I do, you’re gonna be so humiliated that not a thing you say or do will save you from it!
Phelous: *scoffs* What are you possibly gonna do to me, McDickpick?
(Andrew strokes his chin while he brainstorms. A piece of artwork with the words “Friends 4 Evers” featuring Phelous and Dave Coulier appears onscreen while the Inspector Gadget theme plays in the background.)
Phelous (vo): (as Dr. Claw) DAMN YOU, MCDICKPICK! I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME! NEXT TIME!!!
(The screen fades to black as the end credits start to roll.)