Escape From Tomorrow (Part 1)

Escape tomorrow some jerk

Some Jerk With A Camera
Original Air Date
November 6, 2015
Escape From Tomorrow (Part 2)

(We cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios Hollywood entrance sign, the screen is in black and white.)

Jerk: To all who come to this reasonably content place, welcome. I'm Some Jerk With A Camera! (We cut to the entrance archway for the park with the "Some Jerk With A Camera" Logo in the style of Disney's logo. Cut back to Jerk, looking depressed.) Have you ever felt overshadowed? Eclipsed? Usurped, even? Have you ever spent years of your life that you will never get back, toiling relentlessly on a massively ambitious project, very near and dear to your heart, only to see someone else with more money and resources than you will ever have, swoop in and abduct your spotlight with an idea just similar enough to yours that you look like the idea thief who's just riding a coattail? Have you ever felt like that? Cause I have. MTV's (yells) "JERKS WITH CAMERAS!" ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!

(We cut to clips from MTV's "Jerks With Cameras", set to abrasive dubstep music)

Jerk (v/o): (Sarcastically) Hey, I got an idea: let's make the world's most retarded prank show for those who find "Jersey Shore" too high-brow! Uh-oh! One of the jerks pretended to take someone's cell phone! BA HA HA! Stupid pedestrian thinks her property is being stolen! Uh-oh! This jerk's holding up an elevator indefinitely! BA HA HA! Stupid people with jobs they're gonna be late for! (We see a prank of a jerk moving a baby carriage roughly, nearby people notice) Uh-oh! These people think a baby's being endangered! BA HA HA! Stupid life-forms with no basic cable show! God, I hate them all!

Tone Bell (Host of the show): The audience will actually decide "The Jerk Off!"

Jerk: They actually call it "The Jerk Off," because they can! MTV: "Artistic expression is dumb! Content is dumb! (Referring to the short cancellation of "Daria") We're horrible jerk offs and we're gonna live forever!" (Cut to some one on the show, badly twerking) MTV: "Uuuunnnngh!"

Jerk: (Groans at the thought of the show than perks back up) Anyway, someone shot a movie at the Disney parks!

(Cut to footage from "Escape from Tomorrow")

Jerk (v/o): This film has been on my radar ever since it premiered at Sundance 2013, where, despite being a tiny, low-budget, indie film made by a first-time director and a cast that had no famous people, it soon took the festival by storm and skyrocketed to international notoriety.

Jerk: Oh, um, for the benefit of my younger viewers, I should probably explain what Sundance is. Uh, remember the bad guy from "Captain America 2" (Robert Redford)? Well, every year, he compiles a YouTube playlist, projects it in dark rooms, up in the mountains, and scams the upper 1% by charging them to watch it with them. Boy, are those old fogies gonna feel silly when their grandkids tell them about the Internet! (laughs)

Jerk (v/o): You see, "Escape From Tomorrow" wasn't, strictly speaking, legal. It was shot with digital consumer cameras, entirely in black and white to make lighting easier, and mostly shot guerrilla style on location at Disneyland and Walt Disney World, without a scrap of permission from the famously litigious Walt Disney Company.

(Cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios globe fountain)

Jerk: That's right, folks. Someone finally had the guts to stand up to those lying vicious rodent bastards and sneak a camera past Disney security, then they pointed that camera at a human face, and then they pressed a button! You know, we really don't see that many truly revolutionary concepts in one lifetime, so I think...

(We cut to static then to Spazz Master in front of Disney Castle in Disneyland.)

Spazz Master: (Annoyed) Why are you still at Universal?

Jerk: You know why.

Spazz: This movie has nothing to do with Universal, it was shot on location at...

Jerk: I know where it was shot and I already told you, I am not setting foot in that rancid hellhole again! Disney is an evil corporation...


  • Ironically, Spazz's day job is at Universal Studios.

(Jerk looks annoyed. Cut to him near an abandoned lot)

Jerk: To all who come to, whatever.

Jerk (v/o): And who was this bold new voice in 21st Century cinema? None other than Mr. Randy Moore, whose name ironically rhymes with the voice of a Disney princess (Mandy Moore from "Tangled"). He and I have quite a bit in common; we both visited Disney parks a lot as little kids, usually with just one parent, we both loved every minute of every childhood visit, and then, as grown adults, we both came to realize that these parks are nothing but nightmarish, deceitful shams.

(Cut to an interview Randy Moore did for the film.)

Randy Moore: It's a corporate religion for so many people, you know? Dare I say the word "cult," but there's cultish aspects of it.

(Cut to Jerk sitting in a circle of other reviewers like an intervention or an AA meeting. We see reviewers like Calluna, Luke Spencer, Spazz Master, Tricksterbelle, Doggans, Ryan Hipp, Chris The Nerd, R.L. King, Arthur Knowledge, Insane Ian, Matt Iannone, Lotus Prince, Michael Novelli, Kitty Marie, and leading the group, Linkara.)

Jerk: Hi, um, my name is Jerk and I'm a Disney-haulic.

Group: Hi, Jerk!

Jerk: All my life, I've been duped into believing that Disney parks were these magical places where these magical creatures live and all your problems disappear and your dreams come true. All the commercials said so, and if you can't trust omnipresent advertisements in which (gets sadder) a sentient toy spaceman detects increasing levels of happiness, then who can you trust? (Cries)

Ryan Hipp: (Whispers to Chris The Nerd) I thought this was a supports group for necrophiles.

Chris The Nerd: (Whispers back) I thought this was a filk circle!

Jerk: (Perking up) But then, I realized that Disney parks are manufactured and staffed entirely by mere humans. I don't think the kingdom of elves were even consulted on it! That was my very last episode visit to "Dismal Land," as I've come to call it, and I've refused to have any fun there ever since! (See Jerk's "ABC Goes To Disneyland" episode for the details)

(The group applauds Jerk.)

Linkara: That was very brave of you, Jerk. We other jerks (gestures to the rest of the circle) all have similar stories. (Looks at R.L. King) Some of us more severe than others.

R.L. King: (Dressed like Pinnochio, depressed) I'll never be a real boy again.

Linkara: (back to Jerk) And on behalf of the whole group, I wholeheartedly welcome you to this circle of Jerks. (More excited, pulls out a box for...) Now, let's play "Cards Against Humanity!"

The Whole Group (even Jerk and R.L. King): (Hands in the air) YAY!

(Cut back to Randy Moore's interview)

Randy Moore: That magic for them never went away, you know? No one ever told them that Santa Claus wasn't real.

(Cut to Jerk on a street)

Jerk: Santa Claus isn't real either? Then who the hell is my real dad?!?!

Jerk (v/o): Soon, this film was getting rave reviews for its ballsy shooting style, its DIY aesthetic, and the sheer audacity it took to bring its frightening re-appropriation of the Happiest Place on Earth to the silver screen. The move was a lot of things, but I’ll tell you what it most definitely wasn’t: a Ben Stiller comedy.

(Cut to another interview with Randy Moore with the lead actor of “Escape From Tomorrow,” Roy Abramsohn on a big Ferris wheel gondola.)

Roy Abramsohn: This is a comedy.

Randy Moore: I don’t think it’s a comedy.

Roy Abramsohn: Like a Ben Stiller comedy. It’s how I….

Randy Moore: I don’t think it’s a Ben Stiller comedy.

Roy Abramsohn: Yeah, I mean, I kept telling people, they would say, “What kind of role is it?” I’d say, “Something Ben Stiller would do, the guy all the shit happens to. Like, the guy that’s got to get out of the shit.” But it’s…

Randy Moore: It’s not a Ben Stiller comedy.

(Cut to Jerk in a similar Ferris wheel gondola.)

Randy Moore/Jerk: I’m not some hack making mindless pablum for the masses, like Wes Anderson or Noah Baumbach, I’M AN ARTIST!

Jerk (v/o): And now, the time has finally come to review this “Non-Ben Stiller comedy” with a subject matter so near and dear to my gag reflex. No more fluff pieces, no more synergistic sitcoms, no more watered down attractions, this is one man’s surreal interpretation of Walt Disney’s personal pleasure palace, without the approval of some big, faceless conglomerate,… (Cut to the logo for Target, who sells the DVD for “Escape From Tomorrow” at their stores) except for that one.

Jerk: Tear up your annual passes, folks, this is “Night at the Museum 4: Escape from Tomorrow!”

(The movie begins)

Jerk (v/o): The movie gets off to a pleasant start with footage of Big Thunder Mountain.

Jerk: Oh, yeah, Big Thunder Mountain. Yeah, I guess that was fun, but the rest of the place is completely worthless!

Jerk (v/o) (Little bored) More ride footage, when are the museum exhibits gonna come to life…(We see as the ride goes under a tunnel, a guy’s head gets cut off.) AH, JESUS!

Jerk: (Confused) What just happened?

(We see the head get cut at the tunnel again, set to a line from Disney's 1951 animated adaptation of "Alice in Wonderland".)

Queen of Hearts: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Jerk: (Feeling awkward) Well, It’s good to see that film is rejecting the make-believe, phony, fakeness of Disney parks in favor of the more realistic approach of the absolute, unassailable truth that Big Thunder Mountain decapitates people. I…I mean, they practically bankrupted the guillotine industry at this point. If ever a head needs to come off, you just: “ah, Big Thunder Mountain…(Makes noise of head coming. Off),” blood everywhere. I mean, that’s how they punish adults for having too much fun. Kids are so small that they just go right under; they’re in no danger. But, adults are like, “Oh, no, no.” And…and yet, so many adults are still under the delusion that, I mean, dare I use the word “cult”, but, um, it’s a cult that says that Disney rides don’t sever one's head from one's torso in a gruesome act of bloody violence. So, thank you, Randy Moore, thank you for exposing that un-exaggerated truth to the masses and saving us from ourselves.

(We then cut to an older version of NBC’s “The more you know.” But the NBC logo is replaced by the “Channel Awesome” logo and the shooting star chops some random guy’s head off.)

Jerk (v/o): The opening credits continue as we watch a hairy shirtless man (Jim White, played by Roy Abramsohn) get fired like the voyeuristic bastards we are!

(Jim White is on the balcony for his hotel at a Disney Resort, on the phone with his newly ex-employer. It’s early in the morning so he just woke up when he got the call.)

Jim White’s Ex-Employer: It’s a transitional period.

Jim White: So, you’re firing me for no real reason then?

Jim’s Ex-Employer: Well, there’s a little more to it than that.

Jim: What do you mean?

(Cut to a clip from Disney’s “The Emperor’s New Groove”.)

Emperor Kuzco: (To Yzma) How else can I say it: (Snaps fingers for a scribe to write what he says) You’re being let go, your department is being downsized, you’re part of an outplacement…

(As Emperor Kuzco still talks, Jerk holds the DVD for “Escape From Tomorrow.”)

Jerk: I though this movie was supposed to comment on Disney, not the other way around.

(He then hits the DVD, causing the “Emperor’s New Groove” clip to go away and ‘Escape From Tomorrow” to return.)

Jim’s Ex-Employer: Oh, and don’t forget about Soarin’ (A ride in DCA and EPCOT). My boys just won’t stop talking about it, they say you actually feel like you're flying. Sounds lovely. Well,…

Jim: Hey, Roger, please!

Roger: Best of luck.

(Roger hangs up. As Jim contemplates, the credits continue to roll as we see that two people are credited as production designers.)

Jerk (v/o): Wait a minute, the movie hired production designers?

(Cut to Jerk as a Director with R.L. King as a Production Designer in front of a green screened Disney Castle.)

Director/Jerk: So, what I’m basically going for here is I want all this to look like a Disney World-esque theme park, preferably Disney World.

Production Designer/R.L. King: What, (gestures around him) all this?

Director/Jerk: Yeah, all of this.

PD/R.L.: And it has to be all this?

Director/Jerk: It does. Now, can you do it?

PD/R.L.: Yeah, but it’s not gonna be cheap.

Director/Jerk: How much we talking about?

PD/R.L.: Let’s see. (Looks around, points to something on his left and then to to his right) Put that over there, that big thunderous mountain thing, probably Haunted Mansion.

Director/Jerk: Well, yeah.

PD/R.L.: Probably three million?

Director/Jerk: It’s a little steep.

PD/R.L.: Well, you get what you pay for.

Director/Jerk: (Pulls out check book) Yeah, I guess. (Starts writing.)

PD/R.L.: Trust me, this place will look exactly like Disney World!

Director/Jerk: It better. (We then cut to Director/Jerk with a second production designer, which is clearly the first with a big, fake mustache, which keeps falling off a lot.) And, best I can tell, the other guy fled to Mexico. So, how much do you charge to make all of this look like Disney World?

Production Designer 2/R.L. King: Eh, two million.

Director/Jerk: (Happy) Now that’s more like it! (Starting to write in his checkbook) Now, you see, it’s nice to finally trust someone! Does million have seven zeros or eight?

PD 2/R.L.: Nine, actually. You know, better make it ten, just to be safe.

Director/Jerk: Good idea, (mutters) good idea.

(Cut back to the film)

Jerk (v/o): This is Jim. Jim is on the last day of a Disney World vacation with his family; his son Elliott, his daughter Sara, and his wife who probably has a name, but I’m not sure this film ever reveals it. (It does, her name is Emily, which Jerk finds out in part 2.) Jim just wants to forget his troubles and enjoy himself, the only way he knows how: male gazing jail bait! (We see Jim and his family take a tram from their Hotel to the park as Jim and Elliott leer at two pretty, French teens, Sophie and Isabelle.) Ew, that’s the first time I’ve ever see a child with a pedo-smile.

Elliott/Jerk (v/o): Don’t judge me, I’ve got a thing for cooties! If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right!

Jerk (v/o) So, they enter the Magic Kingdom, walk through Cinderella Castle, and… magically emerge at the “Snow White” ride at Disneyland in California.

Jerk: How do you expect us to believe your story if you can’t even decide which theme park you're…?

(Jerk is then joined by a toy gorilla.)

Gary The Guerilla Gorilla: Oh, come now, Jerk. The game ain’t worth winning if you don’t play fair.

Jerk: (Excited to see him) Hey, everybody, it’s our old pal: Gary The Guerilla Gorilla!

(Applause is heard)

Gary: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Jerk, let me ask you something; in your ABC retrospective alone, how many times did you suddenly switch coasts?

Jerk: 74.

Gary: Exactly! You of all people know that when you film on location without permission, sometimes you’ve got to go back and re-shoot and you’ve got to do it on the coast you stuck with.

Jerk: Okay, but how do you justify that narratively?

Gary: Why, simple. These characters are visiting a fictional hybrid of Disneyland and Disney World, You’ll notice they haven’t mentioned either park by name.

Jerk: You’re right, Gary, that is a valid and creative choice! Gary The Guerilla Gorilla, ladies and gentlemen!

(We hear the audience cheer.)

Gary: Thanks very much! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go throw barrels at some Italian dude! (Leaves)

Jerk: (Waves) Have fun!

Jerk (v/o): So, they ride Snow White’s Scary Adventures and... (Nothing happens, just footage of the ride) No hurry, I’ll patiently wait for something to happen. (More ride footage.) Riding the ride. Ride-y, ride-y, ride, ride.

(At part of the ride, we see the evil queen in her old hag disguise.)

Sara White: (To Jim) It’s just pretend, right?

Jim: That’s right.

Sara: Witches aren’t real.

Jerk (v/o): I know an undead caveman in Florida who might disagree with you.

(We then cut to them riding the Winnie the Pooh ride)

Jerk (v/o): Oh, it’s Winnie the Pooh now, okay. (More ride footage. Jerk sighs.) You know, I know I don’t exactly have the cleanest conscience on this one, but if you’re not gonna add your own twist to these rides, this is kinda…stealing. (We hear some nice piano music playing.) Music’s nice though. (Jerk sings along as Jim tries to kiss his wife, but she doesn’t want to)

I ache for the touch of your lips, dear.

But, much more for the touch of your quips, dear.

You can raise my…

Jim/Jerk (v/o): C’mon, honey, you know I have a thing for bears.

Emily White/Jerk (v/o): I thought you meant large, hairy, gay men.

Jim/Jerk (v/o): Them, too! Now c’mon, the kids aren’t gonna traumatize themselves!

Jerk (v/o): And then they ride… (Jerk realizes that it’s “It’s A Small World”) Oh, dear God!

Jerk: Well, speaking of non-consent.

(We cut to the Whites ride “It’s A Small World,” but the infamous music is not playing. Instead, it’s a generic annoying song with “La la la” wrought out it.”)

Jerk (v/o): Oh, my God! I didn’t think it was possible, but this music is even worse! Could someone give this composer a medal? He just climbed Mount Everest, while juggling flaming chainsaws, and dividing by zero, he is ONE WITH THE GODS!

(Jim starts to see some of the little dolls have evil eyes and fanged, spikey teeth. Jerk, looking confused, gets his phone out. We then cut to the “It’s A Small World” head from Jerk’s “It’s A Small World” review. His ringtone is “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks, which rings, he then picks it up.)

It’s A Small World Head: What up, bitch boy?

Jerk: What the hell?! After everything you did to me, all you can muster for these jerks is a few spooky faces?!?!

It’s A Small World Head: Hey, man, bros before hoes, and anyway, you wanted it!

Jerk: Oh, typical, blame the victim!

It’s A Small World Head: No, literally, you wanted to be depicted as a rape victim and me as the rapist, that was 100% your idea for the episode. Kind of offensive to real rape victims, really.

Jerk: (Annoyed) I also seem to recall wanting you to explode. (It’s A Small World head sighs, then explodes.) Thank you! (Throws his phone in the air and catches it.)

(Jim starts seeing delusions. Emily White, sitting behind him, taps him on the back to tell him something.)

Emily White: (In a dream like filter) I hate you!

Jerk: The feeling’s mutual, movie. Uh…(Realizes) No, no, no, I take that back, the enemy or my enemy is my friend. There are very few Disney haters out there and we have to support each other. I am behind this movie, no matter how many artsy shenanigans it tries to pull.

(Jim then sees that his daughter, who was blonde before, now has raven black hair.)

Sara: “Hate’s” a bad word.

Jerk (v/o): Why does the girl have different hair? (Jim then sees Elliott’s eyes turn black.) Why did the boy’s eye turn black?

Emily: Oh, you’re not his father!

Jerk (v/o): What the…(Emily laughs) What? (We then cut to the end of the ride, the family are normal, Jim contemplates what he saw.) Um, is any of that gonna be explained? Any of it at all? The movie’s gonna meet me halfway, I just know it. The next line of dialogue out of these characters' mouths will explain that last scene!

(The family gets off the ride.)

Emily: That was fun.

Jim: Hey, honey, did that seem normal to you?

Emily: What do you mean?

Elliott White: Now can we go on Buzz Lightyear?

Sara: I don’t like that ride.

(Jerk looks annoyed, he then takes a deep breath.)

Jerk: I’m not gonna complain, I’m not gonna curse the darkness, I am gonna turn on a light.

(He walks off screen to an infomercial and a red curtain.)

Announcer/Jerk (v/o): It’s time, once again, for “Amazing Innoventioizers!” Here’s your host, Some Jerk With A Colorful Sweater!

(The curtain parts showing Jerk in a kitchen set wearing a colorful sweater. A studio audience applauds him.)

Some Jerk With A Colorful Sweater: (Laughs and speaks in way like he’s trying to be charming) Okay, okay, okay, let me ask you a question: What’s the biggest problem with watching art house movies today? (The audience looks befuddled) It’s understanding them!

Audience: Ooh!

Sweater Jerk: You’ve got your symbolism in the soundtrack, you’ve got your metaphors in the Mise-en-scène, you’ve got your political march in the proscenium arch, I can’t keep track of it all, I’m just an idiot! (He and the audience laugh) Well, what if I was to tell you that we could solve that problem right now?!?! (The audience applauds) Right, fucking, now! Let’s find out more about it with the help of our good friend from (Points off screen) over there somewhere. Take it away, Jerk!

(Cut to regular Jerk in a hotel room, holding a remote control.)

Jerk: Thanks, Jerk, I’ve gotta tell you, today’s innovention will completely revolutionize the entire act of feeling smarter. (Goes to the closet of his hotel room.) Introducing the one, the only, Cine-Kyle!

(He opens the closet to reveal the Cine-Kyle, played by Kyle Kallgren/Oancitizen, which is basically a robot version of Kyle. We even get the captions “Rust Proof!,” “Adjustable Brow Height!,” “Attempts Multiple Languages!,” “Now with even more Shakespeare!,” and “Warning: Keep away from trolls.”)

Announcer/Jerk (v/o): That’s right, the one and only Cine-Kyle, well versed in even the art-siest of film tropes! The Cine-Kyle can translate the most esoteric cinema into bite-sized smart nuggets, even your Neanderthal brain can grasp!

Jerk: Observe! (He pressed a button on the remote control.)

Cine-Kyle: (In a robot voice) The surrealistic, nightmarish imagery represents the realization of Jim’s worst fears as he begins his decent into madness.

(Jerk looks pleased.)

Announcer/Jerk (v/o): “The Cine Kyle!” Not affiliated with “The Cynic Kyle.”

(Cut to Kyle in front of Disney Castle)

The Cynic Kyle: Everything is the worst.

Jerk (v/o): So, Jim tries to forget his “Big Lipped Alligator” episode and decides to take his son, or whoever he is, on Buzz Lightyear, while his wife takes their daughter through Fantasyland. (We see Jim and Elliott waiting in line for Buzz Lightyear while Emily and Sara ride the spinning teacups, Dumbo, and the carousel.) Ha-ha! The women folk are having fun and he’s stuck in line. Ha-ha! What a loser! (Laughs, then yells) I CAN’T KEEP UP THIS HIDEOUS CHARADE ANY LONGER! IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE CAN YOU RIDE THE TEA CUPS, DUMBO, AND THE CAROUSEL IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO WAIT FOR BUZZ LIGHTYEAR?!?! AN OMNIMOVER DESIGNED FOR PERPETUAL TO MOVE THE LINE AS SWIFTLY AS POSSIBLE, IT ONLY STOPS WHEN A DISABLED GUEST NEEDS ASSISTANCE GETTING ON OR OFF! SPINNY-THINGS, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE TO STOP, ENTIRELY, EVERY TIME A NEW BUNCH OF PEOPLE WANT TO BOARD! EVEN ON A BUSY DAY, ESPECIALLY ON A BUSY DAY, YOU COULD NEVER RIDE THREE SEPARATE IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO WAIT FOR BUZZ ONCE!

Jerk: This is probably what some poor, pathetic geek who actually, foolishly, likes these parks enough to care about might say.

(Jerk looks around, feeling awkward. Meanwhile, Jim and Elliott make their way close to the front of the line, when they hear one of the Disney park staff members announce something on the P/A.)

Disney Staff: Sorry, space rangers, this ride is no longer in service. Please proceed to the nearest exit and have a great day.

Jim: Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

(As he and Elliott leave, the guest in front of them notices they’re leaving and look confused.)

Jerk (v/o): And this guy (The guest in front of Jim) is officially my favorite character in the movie. It’s not even a photo bomb; it’s photo humanitarian relief efforts for victims of a bomb. He has no idea why these idiots are suddenly leaving the line so close to the front of it.

Jerk: It’s all fake, you see. The ride didn’t actually break down, there is no Santa Claus, the Disney characters are just costumes with people in them, and I’m pretty sure that I’m a genius visionary figuring those things out. (Holds out his hand.) Oscar, please?!

(Cut to Jim and Elliott exiting the building for the Buzz Lightyear ride.)

Elliott: What happened?

Jim: I don’t know.

(We then cut to water shooting from a fountain near the statue for Tomorrowland.)

Jerk: Purpose, ladies and gentlemen! When two fountains love each other very much, they give birth to symbolism! Get it?! Look, the underage French girls (Sophie and Isabelle) are eating bananas! Get it?! (He and Elliott, then ride Speedway, which Sophie and Isabelle are riding) So, Jim straight up stalks them and imagines riding with them, because “What the hell is ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation?’ I’ve never heard of such a movie and I refuse to stand for such unfounded slander.” Then he bumps them from behind (With his car into their car), because “get it?!” And they follow him all the way to the Tiki Room, where the water (From the indoor water fountain) forms a long, vertical rod with fluid shooting out of it!

Jerk: GET IT?!?!?!?! (Realizes) You know, I’m starting to see why they shot this in black and white.

(Cut to color footage of the water fountain, it’s lit to looks like there are shades of pink and green.)

Jerk (v/o): Dude, I’m not a doctor or anything, but you might want to get that looked at.

Jerk: So, we’re, what, an hour into this movie? 45 minutes, at least, right? (We cut back to the water in the Tiki Room scene, as we then get a live timer showing we’re over 18 minutes in. Jerk, looking a little annoyed, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.) The enemy or my enemy is my friend. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

(We then cut to a black and white version of the clip of the end of part 1 of the Disney World episode of “Full House,” with the caption ‘To Be Continued.”)

DJ Tanner: Michelle?

Kimmy Gibbler: Michelle?

Stephanie Tanner: Michelle, where are you?

(We then cut to the end credits. Followed by the scene of Elliott with black eyes to “Pompeii (But if You Close Your Eyes)” by Bastille)

(To be continued in part 2…)

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