Ernest Scared Stupid

Nc ernest scared stupid by marobot-d306033.jpg

October 05, 2010
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, every year, I do some sort of Halloween episode, but this year? Fuck it. I’m doing the entire month! So get ready, kids! All through October, you’re going to experience Nostalgia-ween!

(A clip from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” where a chainsaw killer cuts off Linus and Lucy’s heads and the title “Nostalgia-Ween!” appears)

NC: And what better way to start off this terrifying month than with a terrifying movie? (Long pause) Not really scary, just…terrifying. Let’s take a look at “Ernest Scared Stupid.”

(The title screen for the movie appears, followed by clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): The last Ernest movie to be shown in theatres—(laughs) and by GOD, you can see why—“Ernest Scared Stupid” certainly lives up to its title. It has Ernest, it’s stupid, and it is scary in its own right, and that the idea of sitting through this ass-testicle of a movie scares the living shit out of me!

NC: So let the bitching hour commence! This is “Ernest Scared Stupid.”

NC (voiceover): So the credits open with Ernest, played again by Jim Varney, as he reacts to cheesy scary movies that are probably more entertaining than this cheesy movie.

(During Ernest’s reaction shots, there is a white flash on another man standing in place of Ernest for a brief moment before cutting to Ernest)

NC (voiceover): Wait a minute. (reverses the film to go back to the white flash and pauses on the shot of the man who is still under the white flash) Who the fuck’s that guy? What, did one of the stagehands save the director’s life, so he promised him a pointless one second in a movie?

NC: It doesn’t even make sense! I mean, if I for one second changed into somebody else, would that add up?

(quick flash to Bhargav wearing a Batman mask)

Bhargav: I’m Batman.

(quick flash back to NC)

NC: No! No, it wouldn’t!

NC (voiceover): As the credits continue, we see that the movie was written by John Cherry and Coke Sams. So yes, this movie was officially written by Cherry Coke. That’s how strange an experience we’re in for, folks! We’re in a movie written by a soda! Fasten your seatbelts! (The opening credits end with Ernest falling backwards) So we open with a girl (in the late 19th century) being chased by the "Evil Dead" monster as it finally corners her up against a tree.

(The girl backs up against the tree and screams, though we see her briefly smile in-between screams)

NC (voiceover): Oh, points taken off for smiling! (He pauses the movie to focus in on her smiling face)

(The monster reaches a hand out toward her until a net covers it)

Townsperson: Grab him! Grab him!

NC (voiceover): But the monster is captured and buried under an oak tree, because…maybe he makes good fertilizer, as we cut to years later where Ernest P. Worrell now has a job as a garbage truck driver.

(Ernest ends up falling backwards into the back of the garbage truck, his dog Rimshot messes with some controls that causes the truck’s top to cover over Ernest, then two walls inside start to close in on him)

NC (voiceover): Hey, hey! This might have a happy ending after all! I was wondering why the running time was only two minutes.

(Ernest pulls apart the battery from a controller, stopping the walls from moving; he chuckles at this until static electricity sporadically connects between the battery and the controller, starting up the mechanisms again; he screams at this)

NC (voiceover): Yes, even God wants you dead, Ernest! That’ll teach you for saying that Mello Yellow is better than Mountain Dew.

(Ernest places a shovel between the two crushing walls in hopes to stop them, but they end up breaking the shovel)

Ernest: (calls out from inside the truck) Rimshot! Help! Do something! Rimshot!

C-3PO (from “Star Wars”): (to R2-D2) No! Shut them all down! Hurry!

(Two kids (a boy and a girl) are outside the truck)

Elizabeth: Ernest!

Kenny: (turns a switch on the outside) This should open it!

(The back of the truck starts to open up)

Elizabeth: Way to go! You did it!

Kenny: (speaks in a cowboy drawl) No need to thank me, little lady. Just your routine hero at work.

NC (voiceover): You know, we’re gonna have a hard enough time stomaching Varney’s impressions, kid. I don’t think we need your help.

(Ernest ends up in a garbage cube and is pushed out of the truck and onto the ground)

NC (voiceover): Oh, I see. I see the stop button calls for a stagehand to push the prop out. (camera close-up on a stagehand’s hand pushing out the garbage cube while holding onto a hammer)

(The scene of the garbage cube being pushed out is played again)

NC (voiceover): So after that, Ernest is assigned to clean up the yard of a crazy old lady who I think lives in the anus of the garbage monster from “Fraggle Rock.”

(Ernest knocks on the front door with a metal hand attached to the side of the door; there is no answer)

Ernest: Well, nobody home!

(Francis “Old Lady” Hackmore (played by Eartha Kitt) shows up and steps out on the porch)

Francis: Get off of my property!

NC (voiceover): (speaks as Dr. Emmett Brown from “Back to the Future”) Marty! I’ve transformed myself into a withering black lady!

Ernest: Ma’am, I’m just here to pick up all this garbage.

Francis: Got no garbage here!

NC (voiceover): Actually, that’s Eartha Kitt, and she doesn’t seem to be happy to see Ernest on her property.

Francis: You will bring down the curse on us all! Woe to you, O Seed of Worrell! Get out of here and don’t come back!

NC (voiceover): That was Catwoman, everybody! Adolescents around the world used to jerk off to that.

(Francis screams and fires her flame thrower all around her until there’s a poor transition to Elizabeth screaming)

Elizabeth: Pretty scary scream, huh?

Joey: (places a hand on his heart) My heart was in my throat.

Kenny: You have a rare gift.

NC (voiceover): Wait…why was she screaming again? That makes no sense.

NC: Let’s look at the script. (He holds up a script to flip through the pages and stops on one to read it) Just says here, “Poorly done transition. P.S. I wish that Santa guy was in this one.”

NC (voiceover): So the kids of the neighborhood are putting together a haunted house, or rather a haunted box. But the EVIL bullies come to mess up their fun!

(The bullies continue shaking the haunted house until the three main kids get out and run away, and then the bullies succeed in collapsing the house)

Kenny: You buttheads made a big mistake!

NC (voiceover): (as Kenny) I’ll show you by running away some more! (normal) So they tell Ernest about their bully problem to see if there’s anything he can do to help.

Ernest: (turns the crank on a jack in his garage) You need to learn the…self-defenses from…tiny Botswana, that…plucky little nation that defeated the great Ottoman Empire. (He sets his jack in place before we cut to him dressed as Roman emperor) It was a dark night in Botswana…

NC: (asks flatly while shrugging) Huh?

NC (voiceover): Uh, no. Cinema Snob already reviewed “Caligula,” and besides, I don’t want to see you naked.

Lloyd Worrell (dressed as a Hun warrior) WAAHHH!

NC: (is surprised and shrugs again) Huh?

Lloyd Worrell: We’re the Ottoman, and you’re not!

Coy Worrell (as a cowboy): Sure, I’m scared of you.

NC (voiceover): You know, it’s like one of those guys from an amusement park that tries WAY too hard to entertain the kids. You know, to the point that they’re…terrified of them.

Auntie Nelda: He got a merit badge in wholesale slaughter.

Lloyd Worrell: AHHHH!

NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. Is the kid waiting patiently while he goes to change into every costume? What’s the logic behind this?

Ernest: (as a Roman Emperor) Romans, Botswanians, lend me your trees.

Ernest (as a lumberjack): There ain’t no trees in Botswana.

NC (voiceover): Yes! You have costumes! Stop it now! Go make a difference in somebody’s life!

(Ernest kicks the jack, which goes flying over to another car and breaks the front windshield glass; all of Ernest’s alternate personalities and Rimshot follow the jack with their heads turned)

Ace Worrell: Way to go, Ernest.

Bunny Worrell: Do you smell fish?

NC: (beat; he proceeds to grab the camera and punches it once on every phrase) It’s not funny, it’s not funny, it’s not funny, it’s not funny, it’s NOT funny! It’s NOT funny!

NC (voiceover): So they decide to relocate their haunted house to a tree house. And, of course—knowing Ernest—he picks the only one that happens to be the burial ground of an evil satanic demonic being!

(The buried monster groans from underground, and a crudely animated ghost appears out of the ground to wail)

NC (voiceover): Really? Those are the effects we’re gonna be seeing throughout this movie? I’ve seen more frightening images on a Count Chocula commercial!

Francis: Worrell! The whole world of trees, and you had to pick this one! Flee this evil place! Flee!

NC (voiceover): (sighs) How did she go from Catwoman to Cat Lady? (The bullies from earlier walk in) Uh-oh! The prototypes for Bulk and Skull have arrived! But it’s OK. This time, the kids come prepared!

Kenny: Got them in my sights. Fire! (He fires some ammo at the two bullies) Fire! (fires again) Fire three! Got ‘em!

(Cut to Aragon (from “The Lord of the Rings”) yelling to his army to fire; the footage of the army shooting arrows intercuts with the fighting in “Ernest Scared Stupid”)

Elizabeth: Direct hit!

Kenny: Ew! Pizza mess!

Matt (the fat bully): Binder, this isn’t the end of it! (he and the other bully walk away)

Theoden (from “Lord of the Rings”): Victory! We have victory!

NC (voiceover): So Ernest talks with the Eartha Kitt lady and…for SOME stupid reason, actually tells him how to summon the troll. WHY WOULD SHE TELL HIM THAT?

Ernest: He can only be awakened on the night before Halloween.

Elizabeth: Like tonight.

Ernest: When a Worrell…

Elizabeth: Like you.

Ernest: …places a hand on the tree (does so) like this and says, “Yay, I call thee forth Trantor!”

NC (voiceover): So this, of course, summons the troll named Trantor.

(Trantor slowly starts to wake up)

NC: Ehh, that’s not very impressive. Now, Trogdor? That would be awesome!

(An image of Trogdor appears over Trantor as a background singer shouts “Trogdor!”)

NC (voiceover): So the troll comes to life and starts turning the children into little wooden dolls, because that somehow gives him his power.

(Joey gets turned into a wooden doll, and Trantor holds it up in triumph)

Troll Guard (from “A Troll in Central Park”): (audio) I’m a bad troll!

NC (voiceover): Ernest, of course, sees the troll and tries to get some help nearby.

(Ernest quickly knocks on the door of a house)

Ernest: Sheriff! (camera closeup on his mug face) Sheriff Binder!

NC: (reacts in sight of the closeup mugshot) D’ahh!

Ernest: Open up! Sheriff Binder, open up! Please!

NC: Is his whole mission in this movie to eat the fucking camera?

(The camera follows Ernest in and aims at every person who speaks their line)

Sheriff Binder: Woahwoahwoahwoah! Ernest! Slow down. What happened?

Binder’s Wife: Ernest, you know what time it is.

Ernest: Maybe Old Lady Hackmore was right! Maybe it was a troll! Luckily, I was there to beat it within an inch of its face!

Sheriff Binder: Hold it, hold it.

NC (voiceover): Uhh…what’s up with the sudden handheld camera? I feel like we’re on an episode of “COPS”!

Binder’s Wife: Leaving the kids out there? Trespassing on an old lady’s land?

Sheriff Binder: Yeah, but what happened?

NC (voiceover): That, and…have you realized there’s no edits in this scene? We don’t see anything else except for the front door! What, could they only afford one corner of the house to film in?

Sheriff Binder: We’ll talk about it tomorrow. (He starts to shut the door while Ernest stands outside talking)

Ernest: This thing was huge! It had this great big head and his teeth were this long, and—

Sheriff Binder: Good night, Ernest! (He shuts the door)

(A fake “COPS” TV bumper begins to play with the caption “COPS: Idiot Division” being shown)

Announcer: “COPS” is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So the troll heads back to the tree so that he can use the doll to somehow bring the other trolls to life. Look at him; he looks like a caricature of Mickey Rourke playing Willow.

Trantor: Grow, my children! Grow!

NC (voiceover): So while Ernest runs around like an idiot—big shock—we see the chubby guy and his old skinny brother from the other Ernest movies make their cameos again. The only strange thing is (camera close-up on the chubby guy) that’s not the chubby brother. (images of the chubby brother played by a different actor are shown) Where’d he go? They were usually the funniest part of the films! (back to the movie) Oh, well, who knows? Maybe this guy is funnier.

Tom Tulip: Fella comes in here the other day and says to me, “Will Tulip brothers give me a good deal on an outboard motor and some taxidermy supplies?” And I said, “Does a fat puppy hate fast cars?” (He laughs as his brother Bobby does a rim shot on a drum set)

NC: Or maybe I’d rather be castrated than listen to them anymore!

NC (voiceover): So the kids talk about whether or not it’s possible that Ernest actually did see a troll.

Kenny: Come on, there’s no such thing as trolls!

Elizabeth: But Ernest saw something out of the tree, and he’s never lied to us before.

NC: Yeah, but he’s also gotten a million other things wrong! (He flicks his hand as if to say, “Right?”)

Elizabeth: I don’t know.

Kenny: You’re not…scared, are you?

NC (voiceover): Eh, it’s been a while. Let’s see Jim Varney and Eartha Kitt try to out-mug each other again.

Francis: The troll is getting stronger! He has one child already!

NC (voiceover): (as William Shatner) Spock!

Francis: By now.

Ernest: Just the kids?

Francis: Listen to the last two lines…

NC (voiceover): Is it weird to say that she looks like Chester A. Bum’s grandmother?

Chester A. Bum: Hooray! I’m a bi-racial half-feline cat person! How come I’m not more surprised?

NC (voiceover): So Ernest sets up a trap for the troll before he drops the two kids off at their home.

Kenny: Just leave the troll fighting to us. My dad, he’ll know what to do.

Elizabeth: What about the party?

Kenny: You stay here tonight.

(Elizabeth kisses Kenny on the cheek before running off)

NC (voiceover): WWWWWhere did that come from? She never expressed any interest to him before. It just sort of came out of nowhere. In fact, I don’t think that was in the script! I think she’s just a horny girl! I mean, look at the boy’s face! He’s totally shocked when she does it! He didn’t know it was coming!

(The scene of Elizabeth kissing Kenny on the cheek plays again)

NC (voiceover): (as the director) Uhh, just go with it, Austin! We’ll edit it out in post. (normal) So as the girl relaxes at home—dreaming of spontaneous boy sex—she can’t help but feel a predictable jump scare is about to attack her.

(Elizabeth starts to look under the bed)

NC (voiceover): (whispers in a way similar to a voice heard in “Friday the 13th”) Cheap cheap cheap shot shot shot! Cheap cheap cheap shot shot shot!

(Elizabeth looks under the bed to find her teddy bear and sighs with relief)

Elizabeth: Oh, Snuffy. It’s just you. (She grabs her teddy bear and snuggles it)

NC (voiceover): He’s on the bed. He’s on the bed. He’s on the bed. He’s on the bed. He’s on the bed.

(Trantor appears on the other side of her bed after she turns over, and she screams)

Arnold (from “Troll 2”): (speaks while intercutting with Elizabeth screaming) They’re eating her! And then they’re gonna eat me! Oh, my GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD!

NC (voiceover): And he’s not done with just her. Soon, he starts going after other children as well.

(Kenny starts to run away)

Trantor: Don’t let him escape.

NC (voiceover): So he runs away from the troll in hopes of giving him the slip.

(Kenny stops running and turns around to see if he lost Trantor)

NC (voiceover): He’s behind him. He’s behind him. He’s behind him. He’s behind him. He’s behind him. He’s behind him. He’s behind him. (Kenny turns around to see Trantor standing there) Oh, what a shock! He’s behind him. After the boy finally outruns him, it looks like Ernest finally caught the troll in his trap. So he goes to the police to show them the evil, nasty DANGEROUS troll!

(Ernest opens up the back door of his garbage truck, and he, Kenny, the mayor, and Sheriff Binder stand there waiting for something to happen; the sheriff has his pistol ready)

Sheriff Binder: Slowly. Slowly.

(The door opens to reveal…Douchey McNitpick?)

Douchey McNitpick: In "The Pebble and the Penguin", seals really can get that big!

(NC screams and pushes a button below the screen)

DM: I have several arguments about it on many blogs! (The back door of the truck closes on him) Ow!

NC (voiceover): Actually, it’s just two kids dressed as trolls who fell in there. Yeah, didn’t see that one comin’, did ya? This finally pisses off his boss as he fires him from his garbage truck job. But does that stop the annoyingly persistent Ernest?

Ernest: (to his dog Rimshot) I’ve never been a quitter! Why…why, I have never known when to quit! Just ask my fourth-grade teacher!

(Cut to a flashback when Ernest was a kid; he’s in detention writing on a chalkboard)

Teacher: He never knew when to quit.

(Kid Ernest scratches on the chalkboard with his fingernails, but the teacher slaps him on the back of the head, and he ends up hitting his head on the chalkboard before stumbling backwards a bit)

Kid Ernest: Oh!

NC: (laughs) OK, that’s one funny scene. (The words “Funny Scenes: 1” appears onscreen)

NC (voiceover): So his (Trantor’s) scared shitless action set is almost complete as he tries to get rid of the only person who apparently can stop him.

(Trantor rips off the passenger door of the pickup truck Ernest is driving in and goes after him)

NC (voiceover): (laughs) Good God! He looks like the love child of Large Marge and Gimli! How are we supposed to be afraid of him? (Ernest and Trantor fight on the back of the pickup truck) So as Rimshot drives the car—Are you really questioning this?—Ernest has a fight scene in the back and manages to toss him off.

(Trantor grabs onto the rope that’s attached to the truck and pulls on it, bringing the truck toward him)

Ernest: Rimshot!

NC: Why doesn’t he just put it in reverse? (Rimshot does) Oh, hey, a smart moment! Those are rare.

(Rimshot rams Trantor over after putting the truck in reverse)

Ernest: Bingo!

(Cut to Trantor landing on the front windshield of the truck)

NC (voiceover): (sighs) Why is this thing so hard to stop?! I mean, in the opening, he was caught by a net! A fucking net! And here, even a goddamn pickup truck can’t stop him! What, was he bench-pressing all those years he was under that tree?

(Trantor throws Ernest off the truck as Ernest rolls away in a barrel; Cut to Francis using a giant can-opener to get Ernest out of the barrel)

NC (voiceover): So he (Ernest) makes it back to Kitt’s house as they come across the page that says how to defeat the troll. (pauses) Coulda used THAT a little earlier, huh? You know, for a woman who knows everything about these monsters, she sure did overlook the page about how to stop ‘em! What, was the book just not sucking her in? Did it lose its edge in the last few pages?

Francis: (reads the text in the book) “Thou canth destroyeth the troll with…”

Ernest: (reads in the book) “M-I-something-K.”

NC (voiceover): Yeah, “milk.” It’s so obviously milk.

Ernest: Midk? That’s it! Authentic Bulgarian miak!

NC (voiceover): Look, you don’t have to be a Wheel-of-Fortune wizard to figure this out! It’s fucking milk!

Francis: Gotta go! (turns around as the can opener she’s holding knocks the barrel over and onto the floor with Ernest still inside it)

NC (voiceover): Alright, so they make it to the school where they think the troll is gonna get his last victim when…this happens.

(A mother and daughter (wearing a pizza delivery boy costume and dog costume respectively) are outside having an argument; Francis is watching this in the car)

Girl: This thing looks silly. I’m not gonna wear it.

Mother: Don’t you talk back to me. Now, you march right in there!

Girl: I hate you! (She starts to walk away)

Mother: Well, I’m not too fond of you, either!

Girl: (stops to turn around and look pouty) Mommy…I’m sorry!

(NC reacts as though confused by the girl’s delivery of the line)

Girl: I love you.

Mother: (sighs with a smile) I love you, too.

(NC still looks confused as the mother and daughter hug)

NC: Bipolar: The Family!

NC (voiceover): Seriously! What was up with that one-minute episode of “7th Heaven”?

Francis: Unconditional love. That’s the heart of a child.

NC (voiceover): What? That wasn’t unconditional! She hated the costume, she hated the kid, [and] they had to apologize to make it better! It was based entirely on conditions! Fuck it, let’s move on. Ernest runs into the Halloween pageant hoping to save the kids from the troll’s next attack.

(Cut to Trantor standing next to Matt (the fat bully) backstage)

Matt: (sarcastic) Ewww! Scary costume. I know a dork when I see one. (hits Trantor)

(Trantor snarls at Matt and attacks him from behind the curtain)

NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) ZUUL, YOU COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!

Ernest: You’re history, pal. You’re Elvis. I’m ready for ya! (approaches Trantor) Let’s see how you like a little…(holds out a jar) miak!

Trantor: Miak?

(NC does a facepalm)

Ernest: Yeah, miak! I bet you thought I couldn’t find any this time of year.

NC: You know, I’m just gonna spend this part of the movie looking up what miak is. (He pulls out a dictionary to look through it as the scene continues) Let’s see, uhm…ah! “A rare, slightly antiquated beverage generally produced in Bulgaria, which may or may not be fictional.” (He slams the book shut) Goddamnit, movie! Your fucking fictional beverage is more entertaining than you are!

(During this scene, Ernest attempts to use the miak on Trantor, but before he even has a chance to use it, he's blown into an ice cream stall by the troll's powerful breath. Ernest is on the floor covered in ice cream and screams while shielding himself as Trantor approaches him, but Trantor stops and runs away)

NC (voiceover): So, of course, the “miak” doesn’t work, but he’s scared away by the ice cream. Why? Because it’s so obviously MILK!

(Kenny brings in a wooden doll meant to be shaped like Rimshot, transformed into a wooden doll by the troll, although the shape isn’t so obvious)

Ernest: Rimshot! (sobs) Rimshot, old boy.

NC (voiceover): That’s Rimshot? You sure it wasn’t one of his petrified leavings or something?

(Cut to Ernest driving through town on his pickup truck)

NC (voiceover): So Ernest gets out for revenge as the boy (Kenny) figures out what everybody has 20 minutes ago.

Kenny: Mother’s care. Milk! That’s it! Milk!

(Cut to a scenario between NC and The Other Guy dressed as a bully)

NC: (stands shorter than TOG as though he’s a small kid) You may think you’re strong now, but I’m drinking my milk. (drinks a glass of milk and stands a little taller) Which will allow me to grow strong bones, clear skin…(takes another sip and grows even taller)…and, of course, make me totally invincible to all satanic troll attacks. (He walks away sipping his milk)

The Other Guy: What?

(Trantor comes out of nowhere to attack The Other Guy, who screams and yells)

Announcer: (The following text appears as he speaks) Milk. It keeps you safe from all Satanic troll attacks.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So the people of the village all head out there to stop the troll just as he puts the final child in the tree.

(Trantor laughs evilly a couple times before walking off)

NC (voiceover): (as Trantor) Where was I? Oh, yeah. Muahahahahaha!

(Ernest arrives at the tree with his truck)

Ernest: It’s time for troll squish-kabob!

NC (voiceover): So Ernest tries to squash the troll, but again, it doesn’t work. Too bad there wasn’t a fucking net in there. But it doesn’t matter! The other trolls are born and run a rampage on the villagers. (He speaks as one of the villagers while the rampage goes on) Look out! We’re being attacked by Rob Zombie’s Deviant Art page!

  • Trivia: Two of the trolls are recycled clowns from another Chiodo brothers movie: Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

Ernest: Worrell selects the ball… (He brings out a bowling ball)…and steps to the line. It looks like a tricky 7-10 split.

NC (voiceover): Uhh…people are probably dying, Ernest. Could you hurry up with your funny little speech there?

(Ernest shoots the bowling ball into a basketball hoop)

NC (voiceover): So while being harassed by rejected Garbage Pail Kids, a bunch of the school children pop up with their secret weapon.

Boy (dressed as a vampire): You sure this milk thing is gonna work?

Kenny: We’d better find out.

NC (voiceover): (as Kenny) Let’s do a body good, boys!

Kenny: (shoots at a couple trolls with the milk) It works, Dad! It really works!

(The trolls disappear into a pile of goo)

NC: I guess the trolls were lactose implode-able.

(A few other trolls get squirted with milk and disappear; Kenny approaches a troll)

Kenny: Hey, butt breath! (shoots milk at it)

NC (voiceover): (as Kenny) Got milk, motherfucker?!

(The troll disappears)

NC (voiceover): So unfortunately, he teams up with Ernest and his multiple personality disorder and spread the milk on all the trolls.

Bunny Worrell: (sprays milk on a troll with an aerosol can, then looks at the camera) Hair spray will fix anything.

NC (voiceover): You know, we could utilize our time a little better if you did less mugging.

Boy (Vampire): Hold on, Dad! (He shoots his milk)

NC (voiceover): (as the boy vampire) Control daily intake of calcium, bitches!

(Those trolls disappear)

NC (voiceover): So all the trolls are destroyed except for Trantor, who’s used all his evil powers to grow…a whole three inches taller! AHHHHHH!

(Trantor has turned into an uglier, more powerful version of himself. Kenny shoots milk at Trantor, but it does nothing)

Trantor: I’ve grown too strong for that. Not even milk can stop me now.

NC: Well, that’s a villainous catchphrase you don’t hear very often.

(Trantor turns Kenny into a wooden doll)

NC (voiceover): Eh, I always said his acting was wooden.

(Cut to Bobby Tulip doing a rim-shot on his drum set)

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So Ernest is up against the troll himself, as he…somehow figures out that the only way to defeat him is unconditional love.

Ernest: (brings his arms out) Come on, little fella!

(Trantor jumps into his arms, and Ernest spins around as waltz music plays over this)

NC: (looks bored) That’s just silly.

(The spinning continues)

NC (voiceover): Of course! Showing unconditional love to KILL your enemy! That’s the ultimate weapon of destruction! Peace and love! WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?!

(Trantor explodes after Ernest kisses him, much to Ernest and the villagers' disgust)

NC (voiceover): So the children return to normal as they fly into the arms of their parents.

(Elizabeth runs up to hug her mother)

Elizabeth: Mom!

NC (voiceover): (freezes the film to focus in on the mother’s behind, which appears to be stained) Uhm, need to wear Depends there, Madre? Or were you really just scared shitless?

(Cut to Bobby Tulip doing a rim-shot on the drum set)

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): Even some children that were taken years ago were released as well.

Girl (from the past): Sister Francis? Is that you?

Francis: My sister! My sister! (She hugs the girl) Ohh!

NC (voiceover): (as Francis) You have quite a bit of adjusting to do! Your years of absence will lead to much psychological scarring, but we’ll talk about that later. Welcome back!

(Francis walks up to Ernest, who looks sad)

Francis: What’s the matter, Ernest?

Ernest: (sobs) There’s nothin’ in that tree for me.

NC: (takes a deep breath through his nose and pounds his fists on his desk, sobbing) WHAT ABOUT RIMSHOT?

Announcer: Rimshot will live. (The same text appears as Rimshot does appear sitting in the pickup truck)

(NC squeals with joy and raises his arms up high to sway side to side in his chair)

Ernest: (holds Rimshot as he licks Ernest’s face) You know where we’re goin’? We’re gonna ride in the truck, and we’ll have fun, and we’ll eat nothin’ but the best. (He walks offscreen, leaving Francis alone)

NC (voiceover): (as Francis, who looks at the camera briefly) Well, I’m glad you can sit through it, folks. I know I couldn’t have. Tell you what; complimentary Milk Duds on me!

(Fade to black, ending the film)

NC: So that’s “Ernest Scared Stupid” and boy…is it stupid.

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): I mean, even if you don’t like the other Ernest movies, you can sense there’s a passion and energy to them, that the people were at least having fun while making it. Sadly, you don’t get that here. Everything seems forced, tired and even unpleasant. It’s definitely the weakest of the films released in theatres, and apart from some of Eartha Kitt’s over-acting, it’s pretty forgettable. Jim Varney—God bless him—I’m sure he’s trying, but he just needed better direction. It’s that horrible combination of boring and unpleasant. In fact, “Ernest Scared Boring” probably would have been a more appropriate title, but what can you do?

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and stay tuned! More Nostalgia-ween is on the way! (laughs as evil plays over him and scary music plays as he stands up to leave)


Channel Awesome Tagline—Trantor: Not even milk can stop me now.

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