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NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Seeing how we are nearing the end of Schwarzenegger month...
 +
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And seeing how we are nearing the end of Schwarzenegger month...
   
 
''Plays 'Put the cookie down' remix''
  
''Plays 'Put the cookie down' remix''
   
−
NC: ... very thankfully. I was trying to think of what's the best film to end on. I mean Arnold's already fought savages, terrorists and the horrifying threat of pregnancy. What's there left to fight? ... THE DEVIL.
 +
NC: ... very thankfully. I was trying to think of what's the best film to end on. I mean Arnold's already fought savages, terrorists and the horrifying threat of pregnancy. What else is there left to fight? ... THE DEVIL.
   
 
''Footage: End of Days title card and clips''
  
''Footage: End of Days title card and clips''
   
−
''(voice over) ''NC: Yes, in 1999 some numb-nut figured it was time for Schwarzenegger and the horned one himself to duke it out in ''End of Days.'' Is it as awesome as it sounds? Err... no, but it is as lame as it sounds and isn't that enough reason to celebrate? (non-voice over) I'm going to lie to you and say: yes, yes it is. So, let's see how the Lord of Darkness competes with the Lord of Austrians in ''End of Days.''
 +
NC: (voice over) Yes, in 1999 some numb-nut figured it was time for Schwarzenegger and the horned one himself to duke it out in ''End of Days.'' Is it as awesome as it sounds? Err... no, but it is as lame as it sounds and isn't that enough reason to celebrate? (non-voice over) I'm going to lie to you and say: yes, yes it is. So, let's see how the Lord of Darkness competes with the Lord of Austrians in ''End of Days.''
   
 
''Footage: opening clip''
  
''Footage: opening clip''
   
−
(voice over) NC: So it starts out in the most horrible and terrifying years this film can conjure up...
 +
NC: (voice over) So it starts out in the most horrible and terrifying years this film can conjure up...
   
 
''Footage: Subtitle: Vatican City, Rome, 1979''
  
''Footage: Subtitle: Vatican City, Rome, 1979''
Line 44: Line 44:
 
NC: (v/o) The Carter years! AHH!
  
NC: (v/o) The Carter years! AHH!
   
−
''Footage: Priest goes to the Pope, talking about the 'eye of god'''
 +
''Footage: Priest goes to the Pope, talking about the 'Eye of God'''
   
−
NC: (v/o) Yes before the Church had to worry about ''The Da Vinci Code ''being over-rating they were worried about "The Eye of God", a sign that the mother of the Anti-Christ was going to be born and wouldn't you know it, she is! Right in New York.
 +
NC: (v/o) Yes before the Church had to worry about ''The Da Vinci Code ''being over-rating they were concerned about "The Eye of God", a sign that the mother of the Anti-Christ was going to be born and wouldn't you know it, she is! Right in New York.
   
 
''Footage: DOCTOR: "A beautiful baby girl."''
  
''Footage: DOCTOR: "A beautiful baby girl."''
   
−
NC: (v/o) But the baby is taken out of the mother's hands for a bit so... this can be performed.
 +
NC: (v/o) But the baby is taken out of the mother's hands for a bit so that... this can be performed.
   
 
''Footage: Doctor lays down the baby, cuts open a snake and makes the baby drink its blood.''
  
''Footage: Doctor lays down the baby, cuts open a snake and makes the baby drink its blood.''
Line 76: Line 76:
 
''Arnold: What's the job?''
  
''Arnold: What's the job?''
   
−
''Kevin: Cashport''
 +
''Kevin: Cashport.''
   
 
''Arnold: Anyone special?''
  
''Arnold: Anyone special?''
Line 82: Line 82:
 
''Kevin: Nah, just some Wall Street scumbag.''
  
''Kevin: Nah, just some Wall Street scumbag.''
   
−
''Arnold: Why does he need all this protection? Personally, I like scumbags.''
 +
''Arnold: Why the hell does he need all this protection? Personally, I like scumbags.''
   
−
NC: Big deal. Who hasn't had a Coffee-Beer-Peptobismal-Chinese-Food-and-Pizza slurpie? Or as I like to call it: cbpcfps. (v/o) So it turns out Arnold and Pollock are bodyguards protecting, oddly enough, THE DEVIL. I guess the Lord of Darkness is afraid somebody might throw an egg at him or something. And lord knows Arnold knows all about fighting those guys.
 +
NC: Big deal. Who hasn't had a Coffee-Beer-Peptobismal-Chinese-Food-and-Pizza slurpie? Or as I like to call it: cbpcfps. (v/o) So it turns out Schwarzenegger and Pollock are bodyguards protecting, oddly enough, THE DEVIL. I guess the Lord of Darkness is afraid somebody might throw an egg at him or something. And lord knows Arnold knows all about fighting those guys.
   
 
''Footage shows Arnold getting hit by an egg.''
  
''Footage shows Arnold getting hit by an egg.''
Line 107: Line 107:
   
 
NC: (Pollock) Haha! You just made me sploodge.
  
NC: (Pollock) Haha! You just made me sploodge.
  +
  +
''Footage: as the helicopter rises the sniper on the roof shoots at the passengers. Schwarzenegger clips himself onto a safety rope attached to the inside of the helicopter and dangles down as the helicopter follows the fleeing sniper.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) (laughs) We're in the Arnold Schwarzenegger puppet show. (sings as Schwarzenegger) I got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret or make me frown. I have strings but now I'm free there are no strings on meee.
  +
  +
''Footage: Arnold grabs the sniper as they jump from a skyscaper and the weight causes the knot to become loose and they slowly fall due to the safety clip. As they fall the sniper (revealed to be an old man) tries to shoot Arnold but misses as Arnold fights him for the gun.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) Ah, come on! You can jump out of a plane and land faster than these guys are!
  +
  +
''Footage: Arnold looses his grip on the sniper as the rope stops him from falling further and the sniper falls through a glass roof and smashes a newspaper stand below him. He gets up and runs away.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) Oh, yeah, he's fine! Just fell several stories, crashed through a glass wall and landed on a newspaper stand. Just walk it off, walk it off.
  +
  +
''Footage: The sniper limbs away as Arnold lowers himself down and chases after him into a subway tunnel, the man is standing on the tracks as they talk.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.
  +
  +
''Sniper: The dark angel is loose from his prison!''
  +
  +
''Arnold: Get down on the ground!''
  +
  +
'' Sniper: A thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done!''
  +
  +
''Arnold shoots the man and he falls to the ground. Arnold searches the body and finds he's wearing a clerical collar.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) Woah, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head. I mean, how many bum-priests are there?
  +
  +
''Latin choir sings.''
  +
  +
Chester E. Bum: OH MY GOD! ''[gibberish that sounds Latin] humanus'' (possibly)...''dominus ''(means: Christ the Lord or dominos the pizza shop) The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! Ah, come on!
  +
  +
''Footage: the police and ambulance services are at the scene and take the bum/priest/sniper away. A police woman is questioning Arnold.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) So as they take him away they discover something ''very ''interesting about him.
  +
  +
''Policewoman: You said here the guy spoke to you.''
  +
  +
''Arnold: Yeah, so what?''
  +
  +
''Policewoman: The guy doesn't have a tongue.''
  +
  +
NC: (as Arnold) Neither do I but that doesn't stop me from speaking! GARHLALALALALA!
  +
  +
''Footage: Arnold and Pollock search the bum's house in a rundown area of the city.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) So to get some answers they take a look where the bum lives.
  +
  +
''The house is dirty, wooden crosses all over the walls, they see his clerical outfit. They see red crosses painted over walls and doors.''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) Looks like Mel Gibson's house.
  +
  +
''Pollock: I could eat.''
  +
  +
''Pollock opens the fridge and we see a close up of a black cat, meowing loudly at the camera. Pollock jumps away in shock. The cat hisses.''
  +
  +
NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)
  +
  +
''The cat jumps out of the fridge as Pollock collects himself.''
  +
  +
''Pollock: Shit!''
  +
  +
NC: (v/o) By God that was the scariest... non-scary thing I've ever seen!
  +
  +
''Arnold: This man is no ordinary hitman.''
  +
  +
''Pollock: No, this one's extraordinary. Let's get the hell out of here. This place is making me itch.''
  +
  +
''The door is busted in as men run in waving torches shouting: DON'T MOVE.''
  +
  +
NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)
  +
  +
''The policewoman from earlier is there and the shouting continues with close-ups to people's shocked faces.''
  +
  +
NC: ATTTTT-ATTTT-CAT! (waving his arms moreso)
  +
  +
''More people rush into the room and more shouting.''
  +
  +
NC: CAT! CAT! CAT! (jumping out of his seat)
  +
  +
''The characters calm down and lower their guns.''
  +
  +
''Policewoman: Jesus Christ, you two. How'd you find this place?''
  +
  +
''Arnold: Lucky guess. So what did you find out?''
  +
  +
NC: Well nothing compared to the CAAAATTTTT! (waves his arms in the air)
   
 
(continued)
  
(continued)

Revision as of 14:21, 21 April 2011

End of Days

NC End of Days by MaroBot

Date Aired:
January 26th, 2010
Running Time
20:20
Website


NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And seeing how we are nearing the end of Schwarzenegger month...

Plays 'Put the cookie down' remix

NC: ... very thankfully. I was trying to think of what's the best film to end on. I mean Arnold's already fought savages, terrorists and the horrifying threat of pregnancy. What else is there left to fight? ... THE DEVIL.

Footage: End of Days title card and clips

NC: (voice over) Yes, in 1999 some numb-nut figured it was time for Schwarzenegger and the horned one himself to duke it out in End of Days. Is it as awesome as it sounds? Err... no, but it is as lame as it sounds and isn't that enough reason to celebrate? (non-voice over) I'm going to lie to you and say: yes, yes it is. So, let's see how the Lord of Darkness competes with the Lord of Austrians in End of Days.

Footage: opening clip

NC: (voice over) So it starts out in the most horrible and terrifying years this film can conjure up...

Footage: Subtitle: Vatican City, Rome, 1979

NC: (v/o) The Carter years! AHH!

Footage: Priest goes to the Pope, talking about the 'Eye of God'

NC: (v/o) Yes before the Church had to worry about The Da Vinci Code being over-rating they were concerned about "The Eye of God", a sign that the mother of the Anti-Christ was going to be born and wouldn't you know it, she is! Right in New York.

Footage: DOCTOR: "A beautiful baby girl."

NC: (v/o) But the baby is taken out of the mother's hands for a bit so that... this can be performed.

Footage: Doctor lays down the baby, cuts open a snake and makes the baby drink its blood.

NC: I guess slapping the baby is no longer a practice. (v/o) We then cut to twenty years later on the verge of the new year as the Devil himself decides to return to Earth. How does he choose to do this? By blowing up some sewers, flying around as an invisible gargoyle and possessing the not-Keyser Söze from Usual Suspects.

Footage shows all of the above happening as the Devil, played by Gabrial Byrne goes up to a random woman and makes out with her.

Her husband: What the hell are yo-

The Devil looks over and glares at him and he backs down.

NC: (as the husband) Woah, Gabriel Byrne, I-I'm sorry. Continue groping my wife. Hey, everybody Gabriel Byrne is groping my wife! This is the happiest day of my l-

The Devil walks out of the building as it explodes.

NC: (v/o) So yeah... This isn't the Devil that tries to feed the subtle sadness or builds anger in the heart of men. No, this is a Devil who likes to blow shit up and turn into monsters going blehblehblehblehbleh. (non-v/o) Tsh, where's Arnold Schwarzenegger when you need h-Oh wait

Shows the introduction to Schwarzenegger's character.

NC: (v/o) He plays the typical, depressed ex-cop as you always see them. Messy room: check. Blind closed: check. Pointing a gun at his head but too afraid to pull the trigger: check. (non-v/o) Don't any depressed cops eat ice-cream? (v/o) But Kevin Pollock comes in dressed as Kevin Pollock as he tries to lighten Arnold's spirits.

Footage, as Arnold makes a smoothie filled with... everything.

Arnold: What's the job?

Kevin: Cashport.

Arnold: Anyone special?

Kevin: Nah, just some Wall Street scumbag.

Arnold: Why the hell does he need all this protection? Personally, I like scumbags.

NC: Big deal. Who hasn't had a Coffee-Beer-Peptobismal-Chinese-Food-and-Pizza slurpie? Or as I like to call it: cbpcfps. (v/o) So it turns out Schwarzenegger and Pollock are bodyguards protecting, oddly enough, THE DEVIL. I guess the Lord of Darkness is afraid somebody might throw an egg at him or something. And lord knows Arnold knows all about fighting those guys.

Footage shows Arnold getting hit by an egg.

Film footage: sniper shoots at Gabriel Byrne.

NC (v/o): But as luck would have it somebody is trying to take him out as Arnold and Pollock chase him down.

Footage: a helicopter comes down to the street.

NC (as Pollock): Hey, Arnold: say it.

NC: (as Arnold) No.

NC: (Pollock) Come on! Just say it.

NC: (Arnold) No.

NC: (Pollock) I'll pay you fifty bucks if you say it.

NC: (Arnold) *sigh* Get to the choppa.

NC: (Pollock) Haha! You just made me sploodge.

Footage: as the helicopter rises the sniper on the roof shoots at the passengers. Schwarzenegger clips himself onto a safety rope attached to the inside of the helicopter and dangles down as the helicopter follows the fleeing sniper.

NC: (v/o) (laughs) We're in the Arnold Schwarzenegger puppet show. (sings as Schwarzenegger) I got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret or make me frown. I have strings but now I'm free there are no strings on meee.

Footage: Arnold grabs the sniper as they jump from a skyscaper and the weight causes the knot to become loose and they slowly fall due to the safety clip. As they fall the sniper (revealed to be an old man) tries to shoot Arnold but misses as Arnold fights him for the gun.

NC: (v/o) Ah, come on! You can jump out of a plane and land faster than these guys are!

Footage: Arnold looses his grip on the sniper as the rope stops him from falling further and the sniper falls through a glass roof and smashes a newspaper stand below him. He gets up and runs away.

NC: (v/o) Oh, yeah, he's fine! Just fell several stories, crashed through a glass wall and landed on a newspaper stand. Just walk it off, walk it off.

Footage: The sniper limbs away as Arnold lowers himself down and chases after him into a subway tunnel, the man is standing on the tracks as they talk.

NC: (v/o) So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.

Sniper: The dark angel is loose from his prison!

Arnold: Get down on the ground!

Sniper: A thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done!

Arnold shoots the man and he falls to the ground. Arnold searches the body and finds he's wearing a clerical collar.

NC: (v/o) Woah, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head. I mean, how many bum-priests are there?

Latin choir sings.

Chester E. Bum: OH MY GOD! [gibberish that sounds Latin] humanus (possibly)...dominus (means: Christ the Lord or dominos the pizza shop) The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! Ah, come on!

Footage: the police and ambulance services are at the scene and take the bum/priest/sniper away. A police woman is questioning Arnold.

NC: (v/o) So as they take him away they discover something very interesting about him.

Policewoman: You said here the guy spoke to you.

Arnold: Yeah, so what?

Policewoman: The guy doesn't have a tongue.

NC: (as Arnold) Neither do I but that doesn't stop me from speaking! GARHLALALALALA!

Footage: Arnold and Pollock search the bum's house in a rundown area of the city.

NC: (v/o) So to get some answers they take a look where the bum lives.

The house is dirty, wooden crosses all over the walls, they see his clerical outfit. They see red crosses painted over walls and doors.

NC: (v/o) Looks like Mel Gibson's house.

Pollock: I could eat.

Pollock opens the fridge and we see a close up of a black cat, meowing loudly at the camera. Pollock jumps away in shock. The cat hisses.

NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)

The cat jumps out of the fridge as Pollock collects himself.

Pollock: Shit!

NC: (v/o) By God that was the scariest... non-scary thing I've ever seen!

Arnold: This man is no ordinary hitman.

Pollock: No, this one's extraordinary. Let's get the hell out of here. This place is making me itch.

The door is busted in as men run in waving torches shouting: DON'T MOVE.

NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)

The policewoman from earlier is there and the shouting continues with close-ups to people's shocked faces.

NC: ATTTTT-ATTTT-CAT! (waving his arms moreso)

More people rush into the room and more shouting.

NC: CAT! CAT! CAT! (jumping out of his seat)

The characters calm down and lower their guns.

Policewoman: Jesus Christ, you two. How'd you find this place?

Arnold: Lucky guess. So what did you find out?

NC: Well nothing compared to the CAAAATTTTT! (waves his arms in the air)

(continued)

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